- 8 hours ago
The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:02Listen to the happy rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the swingy songs of Connie Haynes.
00:07And with Halloween fast approaching, we remind you of the time Frankenstein met Dracula and said...
00:13Hey, Albert!
00:27Hey, Costello, where have you been?
00:29Where have you been?
00:30Why are you all dressed up tonight?
00:31Oh, Albert, I just came for my cousin Corporal Hugo Costello's wedding.
00:36Oh, so your cousin Hugo finally got married, eh?
00:38Yeah.
00:39Who did he marry?
00:40Who did he marry?
00:40Yeah.
00:41He married a woman.
00:42He a dummy?
00:43Of course he married a woman.
00:44Who ever heard of anybody marrying a man?
00:47My mother did.
00:47Oh, no.
00:49Talk sense.
00:50Did your cousin Hugo have a military wedding?
00:52It must have been.
00:53Her father was carrying a gun.
00:54Well.
00:56Well, I hope Hugo will be very happy.
00:58I think he will have it.
01:00Marriage is so romantic.
01:01So it is.
01:02Just think his ration books, her ration books...
01:05Yes.
01:05...lying side by side on the kitchen table.
01:08Yes.
01:09That is...
01:10Side by side.
01:11Side by side.
01:11Ration books.
01:12That is romantic.
01:13Ration books side by side.
01:15Yes.
01:16That's the biggest toll I'm going to drill right here with my slab.
01:19There's no more.
01:20I'll guarantee it.
01:20Hey, wait a minute.
01:21Look.
01:21Either you do or you don't.
01:22All right.
01:22Look.
01:22Look.
01:23Look.
01:23By the way, who gave the right away, Costello?
01:25Huh?
01:25Who gave the right away?
01:27Well, let me see.
01:28What page are you on?
01:29Oh, never one.
01:33Who gave the right away?
01:34That's what I said.
01:36Don't you know?
01:37It's your own cousin.
01:38Oh, nobody.
01:39Oh, nobody.
01:40No, I could have, but I cut my mouth shut.
01:42Oh, no, no.
01:44No, Costello.
01:45I mean, who led her down the aisle?
01:46Nobody led her.
01:47She knew the way blindfolded.
01:49Look, Costello.
01:50Somebody had to lead her down the aisle to meet her spouse.
01:52To meet her what?
01:53To meet her spouse.
01:55Hugo is the spouse.
01:57Are you lost now?
01:58No, no, no.
02:00No, no.
02:01Don't you understand?
02:02A spouse.
02:03Her spouse.
02:03Now, just a minute.
02:04Now, wait a minute.
02:05Just a minute.
02:06Hugo is her spouse.
02:07You can't call Uncle Hugo a spouse.
02:09He never touches the stuff.
02:11No, no, I don't.
02:12Okay, okay.
02:12Then we'll say Hugo was the groom.
02:14That's better.
02:15He was the groom before he got married, too.
02:16Oh, now, wait a minute.
02:17How could he be the groom before he got married?
02:19He took care of the general's horse.
02:20Oh, well, skip it.
02:22Okay.
02:22Never mind.
02:24Look, how did the bride look, Costello?
02:26Was she wearing a corsage?
02:28Abbott, how can you ask me such a thing?
02:29I'm only a young boy.
02:30Oh, now, look.
02:32I'm only asking you if the bride wore a corsage.
02:36No, with her shape, she didn't need one.
02:38No.
02:39Look, Costello, you saw the bride, didn't you?
02:41Sure.
02:41Well, what kind of clothes did she wear?
02:43Oh, she had a beautiful torso.
02:45Torso?
02:45Yep.
02:46Every bride has to have a torso.
02:48No, no, no, no, Costello.
02:49You mean Trousseau.
02:50Did you see her Trousseau?
02:52He wasn't there.
02:53No.
02:55Who wasn't there?
02:57Robinson Trousseau.
02:57No, no.
02:59Listen, Costello.
03:00You're talking like a kid.
03:01No, I'm not talking that way.
03:02Listen, I'll explain it to you.
03:03When the bride came into the church, did you notice her train?
03:06What train?
03:07She drove up in a second-hand Plymouth.
03:08No, no, no.
03:10I'm talking about the train on her dress.
03:12Now, with every bridal dress, you get a train.
03:14What store is giving those away?
03:16I bought a suit once.
03:17I got a baseball bat and a catcher's mitt.
03:18But I never got a train.
03:19No, no, no, Costello.
03:21All right.
03:21No, no, no, no, no, Lord.
03:22Will you please listen?
03:23What a joke.
03:24Yes.
03:24When the...
03:24Look, when the...
03:25When the bride walked into the church...
03:27Now, listen to me, please.
03:29When the bride walked into the church, was she dragging anything behind her?
03:32Yeah, my cousin Hugo.
03:33I...
03:34No, no.
03:35I'm talking about her dress.
03:37Did you see that long, white piece of goods hanging from her dress?
03:40Oh, yeah.
03:40I saw that.
03:40Well, that was her train.
03:42That was her train?
03:42Yeah.
03:43I tripped over that thing and tore it off.
03:44You tore off her train?
03:46Yep.
03:46How did the bride look without a train?
03:48She looked like a late freight with a loose caboose.
03:58Costello, you're not fit to talk to an idiot.
04:00Okay, then I'll have to write you notes.
04:01Costello, will you shut up?
04:02All right, all right.
04:03Shut up.
04:04Now, I have a definite reason for wanting to know about this wedding.
04:07Now, listen to me, please.
04:09I'm still thinking about your $75 that we have in the bank.
04:12Yeah.
04:13Now, we're going to make that money.
04:14Will you listen to me, please?
04:16Turn around here.
04:17Go ahead.
04:17All right, now we're going to take that money.
04:19Will I have to look at you?
04:19Yes.
04:20We're going to take that money and open a matrimonial agency.
04:23We're going to open up a matrimonial agency.
04:24That's what we're going to do.
04:25Not me, Abbott.
04:25Why not?
04:26I am going to be responsible for sticking guys with mother-in-laws.
04:28Oh, what's wrong?
04:29Not me.
04:30What's wrong with mother-in-laws?
04:32Do you know what a mother-in-law is?
04:33Yes.
04:34A mother-in-law is the Gestapo with bloomers.
04:37Now, but Costello, think what a wonderful thing it would be to bring people together.
04:42Why, marriage is a wonderful thing.
04:44Maybe, but I don't like the part where they throw the rice.
04:46They threw rice at my cousin Hugo today, and it's too messy.
04:49Oh, come, come, come.
04:50It's too messy.
04:51Rice isn't messy.
04:53It is messy when it's mixed with chop suey.
04:56Oh, nonsense.
04:57Weddings are beautiful.
04:58Don't you like the old-fashioned unions?
05:00No, they itch me all over.
05:01No.
05:02Cut that out.
05:03Please.
05:04Your underwear doesn't fit our conversation.
05:07My underwear will fit anything.
05:10My underwear will fit anything except me.
05:12All right, look.
05:13Where am I?
05:13I don't know where you're at.
05:15Costello, there's no use arguing.
05:17I've made up your mind.
05:18Well, you always do.
05:19Now, look, here.
05:20We're going to take your $75 and open a matrimonial agency.
05:23Now, look.
05:25You know we can make a fortune by uniting people in bonds of matrimony?
05:28The bonds of matrimony?
05:29Sure.
05:30Are they anything like war bonds?
05:32No, matrimony has nothing to do with war.
05:34That ain't the way I heard it.
05:36And besides, Abbott, where are we going to get any customers?
05:39A guy has to be making a lot of money nowadays in order to get married.
05:43Oh, that's ridiculous.
05:44Do you know what I was getting when I was married?
05:47Do I know what you was getting when you got married?
05:49Yes.
05:50No, and I'll bet you didn't either.
05:52No, I didn't.
05:52All right, get out of here.
06:00Well, Costello.
06:04Well, here we are in our own office.
06:06Well, yeah, here we are in our...
06:07Hello, Ken.
06:08How are you?
06:08Ken.
06:09Come over here a minute.
06:09Ken, how you been?
06:10You've got something to say to the folks, haven't you, Ken?
06:11I have nothing to say to the folks.
06:13Why not tell the folks right from our office?
06:15Well, now, I don't have anything to say right here.
06:17Well, then get away from the mic.
06:18How are you doing in the office?
06:19All right, I'll come back.
06:20It's a brand new office.
06:21Yeah.
06:22How do you like the office, Lou?
06:23How do I like the office?
06:24This is our new matrimonial agency.
06:26Everything is laying around the office here.
06:28Yeah.
06:28Look, Abbott.
06:28What?
06:29Who painted our names on those office doors?
06:31I did.
06:32You did, eh?
06:33You see, on my door it says,
06:34Bud Abbott, senior partner.
06:36And your door it says,
06:37Lou Costello, Jr.
06:39I don't like the way you spell Jr.
06:41What do you mean?
06:41J-A-N-I-T-O-R.
06:46Looks like I'm going to clean up in this business.
06:51Oh, come on, Costello.
06:52Answer the phone.
06:53It might be a reply to the matrimonial ad
06:55that I put in the papers this morning.
06:57Hello, hello, hello.
06:59Abbott and Costello's matrimonial agency.
07:01If you furnish the money,
07:02we'll get you a honey.
07:04Say, do you think you could find me a wife?
07:06You see, I've got to have a wife.
07:08I've got two million dollars.
07:09I'll give the girl a million dollars,
07:10and I'll give you a million dollars for your fee.
07:13A million dollars for me?
07:14Oh, boy.
07:15Come right over to the office.
07:16I can't come over.
07:17They won't let me out of here.
07:19But I'm all right, I tell you.
07:20I'm all right.
07:21No, no, no, no.
07:25Hey, Abbott, what paper did you put that ad in?
07:27The hardware journal.
07:29I thought so.
07:30One of the nuts just called up.
07:33I'm looking for a man.
07:34I've got to have a man.
07:35I must have a man.
07:36I tell you, I must have a man.
07:38Lady, put me down!
07:41Just a minute, miss.
07:42What can we do for you?
07:43All my life, I've been looking for the ideal man,
07:46and at last I've found him.
07:47I love this little fat boy.
07:50Oh, speak to me, my chubby little Romeo.
07:53Tell me that you love me.
07:54Speak to me.
07:55Speak to me.
07:56Why don't you say something?
07:59I can't.
08:00You're standing on my chest.
08:03Get up!
08:05Oh, you wonderful man.
08:08Take me in your arms, my little fat boy,
08:10and say...
08:12Say that I am beautiful.
08:14Go ahead, say it.
08:15I don't want to.
08:17Oh, please, please say it.
08:20Say that I am beautiful.
08:22Okay.
08:23I am beautiful.
08:25Look, ma'am.
08:26Now you mean to say it.
08:26Look, madam, we'll find a husband.
08:28Look, we'll find a husband.
08:28If you'll just answer a few questions.
08:30Now, have you ever been married before?
08:32Oh, yes.
08:33I was happily married for 15 years,
08:36but seven years ago, my husband disappeared.
08:38I'm afraid the poor man is dead.
08:40Costello, just look at this poor woman.
08:42Yeah.
08:42Her husband is dead.
08:44I am looking at her.
08:45He isn't dead.
08:46He's hiding.
08:49Now get her out of here, Abbott.
08:51Look, Abbott, please.
08:53What kind of a business did you get me into?
08:55First a crazy, crazy guy calls up,
08:57and then a dame tries to run away with me.
08:59I'm going back to my old racket, raising pigs.
09:02Raising pigs?
09:03Yes, sir.
09:03I buy pigs in the fall for $2.
09:06I fatten them up and sell them in the spring for $2.
09:08Wait a minute.
09:09You buy pigs in the fall for $2 and you sell them in the spring for $2?
09:12Sure.
09:13You can't make any money that way.
09:14No, but I have the use of the pigs all winter.
09:19Uh-oh.
09:20This is probably another customer.
09:22Come in.
09:23Hi-hi-hi-hi, aren't you, Grindy?
09:25At weddings, I am handy.
09:27Well, it's our friend Kissel.
09:29Oh, Kissel!
09:35Kissel, what brought you here?
09:36Well, I heard that you two kiddies were in the matrimonial business,
09:40so I left Chicago and I came out here on a greyhound.
09:44You came out here on a greyhound?
09:45Yes.
09:46How did you ever stay on his back?
09:48How did I stay on his back?
09:51All right, all right.
09:52I know you don't like it.
09:54I like it.
09:56Yeah, I know.
09:57Look, we're very busy, Kissel.
09:58What's on your mind?
09:59Well, I would like to have the catering concessions for your wedding banquet
10:03because I'm serving the finest food and drink who money can buy.
10:08You know, for instance, just look at this bottle of genuine French champagne.
10:13That don't look like French champagne to me.
10:15Oh, now, don't look like French champagne to him.
10:19There is the name right on the bottle here.
10:22Lukey Laguerre.
10:24What's that?
10:25Lukey Laguerre.
10:27Lukey Laguerre?
10:28Yes.
10:28That's Lukey Laguerre.
10:33Lukey Laguerre.
10:36Lukey Laguerre.
10:37Some foam, huh, kid?
10:41Just a minute, Kissel.
10:42How much do you charge to put on these wedding banquets?
10:45Well, I don't like to disturb you, but I got two prices for banquets.
10:49They have $5 and $10.
10:51For $5, I throw in the dessert.
10:53And for $10?
10:54Oh, for $10, I carry it in.
10:58Gentlemen, I have here a sample of my most delicious dessert.
11:01It's called policeman cookies.
11:03Policeman cookies?
11:05Yeah.
11:05Cupcakes.
11:08I suppose you also make affectionate pie.
11:12Affectionate pie?
11:13That's where the top crust is stuck on the bottom one.
11:17That's my line.
11:19Oh, I beg your pardon.
11:23Costello, look, will you please cut it out?
11:25Kissel is just trying to make an honest living.
11:27Yes, yes, that's right, gentlemen, because you know I got a very big family to support.
11:32Would you believe that right now I got living in my house Uncle Willie and Tilly and Alofa named Billy,
11:38Terrence and Clarence and all my wife's parents, Louie and Fred,
11:41they sleep under the bed, Joe and Flo, and on the back porch there's more.
11:44Not to mention...
11:46Bert, Mert, and the two-year-old squirt, Annie and Fanny are sleeping with Granny,
11:50Mike and two tramps are doubling with Gramps,
11:52and old Uncle Apey is sleeping with babies.
11:55It's crowded in my...
12:17Come in.
12:18Good afternoon, gentlemen.
12:20I'm from the Marriage License Bureau.
12:21Mr. Costello, do you understand the laws governing marriage?
12:24I do.
12:24And, Mr. Abbott, do you understand the marriage laws?
12:26I do.
12:27Very well.
12:27I now pronounce you man and wife.
12:28Five dollars, please.
12:31Hey, this is a fine business, Abbott.
12:34I can't understand why we haven't got any customers coming in.
12:36I put an ad in the paper this morning.
12:39How did the ad read?
12:40I don't know.
12:41Freddie Rich probably can tell you better than me.
12:44Well, I'll tell you.
12:45The ad said,
12:45gentlemen with bottle of olives would like to meet a lady with a pint of gin.
12:49Object?
12:50Martinis.
12:50Oh.
12:52Now, you silly dope, not martinis, matrimony.
12:54Well, hello, fellas.
12:55How's the new matrimonial agency?
12:57Well, it's Ken Niles.
12:58Yeah, I just dropped over to bring you some business.
13:00I have a little niece at home, and she's dying to marry Lou Costello.
13:03Oh, why does everybody want to marry me?
13:05Sometimes I wish I wasn't so young and beautiful.
13:09And boy.
13:09All right, look.
13:10And charming.
13:11Yeah, I know.
13:11And souvenir.
13:12Yeah, we know that.
13:12And petite.
13:13Yeah, petite, yeah.
13:14In French, petite.
13:15Petite, all right.
13:17In French, petite.
13:18Petite, all right.
13:19In Irish, petite.
13:20Well, let it go with that.
13:21I got no more.
13:22All right, well, let it go.
13:22Look, Costello.
13:23Uh, Niles' idea sounds like a good proposition.
13:25Now, has your niece got any money, Ken?
13:28Oh, yes.
13:28She inherited a very fat dowry from her mother.
13:31We don't care about her sheep.
13:33Has she got any money?
13:35How dare you ask such a question, Costello?
13:37She is a Niles.
13:39I'll have you know, we Niles are a proud lot.
13:42You Niles are a vacant lot.
13:45Now, now, Costello.
13:47Hey, look.
13:47Look, are you really serious, Ken, about your niece wanting to marry Costello?
13:50Oh, yes, I am.
13:51Just last night, my little niece was sitting on the floor playing with her toys, and she
13:54looked up at me and said, Luke, Costello is the sweetest boy, and I'd like to marry
13:59him.
14:00Oh, now, isn't that cute?
14:02How old is she?
14:03At 57.
14:05But look, Ken, Costello doesn't want to get married, but we'll be glad to find a husband
14:09for your niece.
14:10Oh, that's wonderful, bud.
14:11She's right out in the waiting room.
14:12Shall I bring her in?
14:13You better wheel her in.
14:15Oh, Poinciana.
14:16Or roll her in.
14:17Poinciana, will you step in here?
14:21Here she comes, on the run.
14:23She don't run very good.
14:24Maybe she needs a grease job.
14:26Quiet, Costello.
14:27How do you do, Miss...
14:28Your full name is Poinciana Pigeon, hyphen Pigeon.
14:32Uh, what's the hyphen for?
14:34That's for the pigeon to sit on.
14:37Uh, Miss Pigeon, I'm sure that we can find you an ideal husband.
14:42Now, if you'll just leave a hundred dollars deposit and one of your pictures...
14:46Oh, I'm afraid I haven't any pictures of myself.
14:48I did have some taken, but the photographer didn't develop the negative.
14:51He was probably afraid to go into the dark room, but I'm alone.
14:56Don't pay any attention to Costello, Miss Pigeon.
14:58Just sign the contract here and let us have your check.
15:01Not so fast.
15:02Before I give you any money, you'll have to prove to me that your marriages are successful.
15:06I'd like to see a happily married couple.
15:09Who wouldn't?
15:10I...
15:11Uh, yeah, yeah.
15:13He's, uh, he's just joking.
15:15You keep quiet, your mug.
15:16Uh, he's joking.
15:17Now, Miss, uh, Pigeon, if you come to my house at eight o'clock this evening, I will show you
15:21a happy family.
15:23Myself, my wife, and our little boy.
15:25Oh, this is so thrilling.
15:26I'll be there at eight o'clock.
15:28Abbott.
15:29What did you tell that woman?
15:30You haven't got no little boy.
15:32Costello.
15:32We're going to put this deal over.
15:34Now, I'm going to give your kid brother, Sebastian, 50 cents to pretend that he's my son.
15:38If you get Sebastian into this thing, you're asking for trouble, Abbott.
15:42He's a pretty nasty little brat.
15:44How dare you say that about your own brother?
15:47How dare me say that about my own brother?
15:49Yes.
15:49Because I'm going to play both parts.
15:58Well, Abbott, I've brung my little kid brother, Sebastian, over to play the part of your son.
16:03Yeah, but I ain't going to do it.
16:06Sebastian, you'll do as you are told.
16:09Oh, yeah?
16:11Yeah.
16:12Oh, yeah?
16:13Yeah.
16:14Oh, yeah?
16:16Yeah.
16:17I score.
16:20Uh-oh.
16:21Now, there's Miss Pigeon now.
16:23Sebastian, you answer the law, and I'll go in the kitchen and get Mrs. Abbott.
16:27Well, good evening, little boy.
16:29I'm Miss Pigeon.
16:30Hiya, Miss Pigeon.
16:32Oh, hi, boys.
16:32Hiya, Miss Pigeon.
16:34Pull up a perch and sit down.
16:36Spread your feathers.
16:37Why, what a quaint little fellow.
16:39I just love little boys like you.
16:41I wish I had 14 little boys, and I wish every one of them was just like you.
16:46You want 14 kids just like me?
16:48Yes.
16:49Let me smell your breath.
16:53Oh, how cute.
16:54Now, tell me, my little man, where are your father and mother?
16:57They're out in the kitchen, passing time.
16:59Passing the time?
17:00Yeah, they're throwing a clock at each other.
17:03Now, now, now, now, Sebastian, behave yourself.
17:06Oh, good evening, Miss Pigeon.
17:08How are you doing?
17:08I want you to meet my lovely little wife.
17:11Come in here, snowflake.
17:12Coming, shaky.
17:15My, what a happy little family.
17:17Mrs. Abbott, do you do your own cooking?
17:19Oh, yes.
17:20I was just out in the kitchen baking some biscuits.
17:22Buddy simply loves them.
17:25Wouldn't you like to sink your teeth into another one, dear?
17:27No, he'd like to get his teeth out of the last one.
17:32Oh, dear little Sebastian, he's always joking.
17:35I'll kill that kid.
17:37Miss Pigeon, who would you say for dinner?
17:39Here, let me take your coat.
17:40Oh, no, no, no, no, snowflake, dear.
17:43That coat is too heavy for my itty-bitty you.
17:46Let me take it, snowflake, dear.
17:48Oh, Mr. Abbott, you and your wife are such a lovely couple.
17:51Well, I've decided to let your matrimonial agency get me a husband.
17:56If you'll get me the pen and ink, I'll make out the check.
17:58I'll get the pen and ink.
18:00Oh, no, no, no, snowflake, darling.
18:02You get the pen, I'll carry the ink.
18:05I don't want you to tire your itty-bitty army.
18:08I'll help, too.
18:09I'll help, too.
18:09I'll carry the blotter.
18:12Oh, my, I've never seen such a devoted couple.
18:15You're a lucky little boy, Sebastian,
18:17to have such a wonderful father and mother.
18:20Are they always this kind to each other?
18:21Oh, yes.
18:23Did you see the lovely up-sweep hairdo my mother was wearing?
18:26My daddy gave it to her.
18:28Oh, now how could he give her an up-sweep hairdo?
18:31He hit her on the head with a broom.
18:34Oh, you're so great.
18:36And he's always buying her presents, too, my mother.
18:39Only this morning he went downtown and bought her a beautiful present,
18:42a nice new shotgun.
18:43Does your mother know your daddy bought her a shotgun?
18:46No, it's a surprise.
18:49She don't even know she's going to shoot her.
18:51And he's going to shoot her.
18:55Somebody's going to get shot.
19:00A shotgun?
19:01Oh, my, he's going to shoot her.
19:02Oh, this is terrible.
19:03You people are nothing but hideous.
19:04I'm getting out of here.
19:06What happened, Sebastian?
19:08Where's Miss Pigeon Pigeon?
19:09Pigeon Pigeon just flew to Cuckoo.
19:12What did you say to her?
19:14I just told her.
19:15I said...
19:15The high voice.
19:16Oh, yes.
19:17I just told her to get the gag.
19:21I told her to gag about the shotgun.
19:23Oh, why give me two parts?
19:28Come here, Costello.
19:29It's about time.
19:30It's about time to teach this kid brother of yours a lesson.
19:32He...
19:33He just cost us $100.
19:35Do you know that?
19:35I'll talk to him, bud.
19:36That a boy.
19:37Now, Sebastian, I don't know why I have to speak to you all the time.
19:40Every time I get a chance to become a big business maggot,
19:43you always have to gum up...
19:47That's what it says.
19:52You always have to gum up the works.
19:55I'm sorry, Louie.
19:57Anybody would think the least you could do
19:58is to lend a helping hand to your own brother.
20:00I'm sorry, Louie.
20:03But instead, you continually hold up to ridicule
20:05and put big blotches on my escutcheon.
20:08Don't stand there, Sebastian.
20:10Say something.
20:11Oh, I'm a bad boy.
20:15Bye.
20:26Thanks, Ken.
20:27And all we want to say, folks, is bye, Bonds.
20:29Bye, plenty of them.
20:30Good night, everybody.
20:31Good night, everybody.
20:32Good night.
20:37Be sure to tune in next week
20:38for another great Abaddon Costello show.
20:40And remember, try camels on your throat and your taste.
20:43See for yourself how camels' mildness, trueness, and flavor
20:46See for yourself how camels' mildness, trueness, and flavor click with you.
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