- 1 day ago
First broadcast 29th September 2006.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Clive Anderson
Arthur Smith
Vic Reeves
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Clive Anderson
Arthur Smith
Vic Reeves
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Well, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to another voyage to the dark continent aboard HMS
00:08Pig Ignorant.
00:10And joining me on the poop deck this evening we have Admiral Sir Clive Anderson.
00:18And Mr. Midshipman Arthur Smith.
00:26Stoker Reeves.
00:32And Alan, the ship's cat.
00:38They buzz with anticipation and this week they buzz with nautical noises. Clive goes...
00:44Get old potters, get old potters, old hands, man your battle stations.
00:50Arthur goes...
00:52Ah, Vic goes...
00:54I want Arthur's.
00:58And I want it to be a copson.
01:00Yes.
01:01Don't call me son.
01:04And Alan goes...
01:08No, but bless.
01:11Tonight our D theme is discoveries, and to that end, in front of each one of you here, you should
01:17find you have a picture, which is a picture of a genuine United States patent office patent application.
01:25Arthur, have a look at yours, shall we?
01:29Ann Clive, yours looks like this.
01:36And, uh, Vic.
01:43And Alan, you've got a picture too.
01:47And you've got the next half hour to think about it.
01:50Uh, at the end of the show, I'll ask you exactly what you think they are for.
01:54And so to our first question, which is something I've always wanted to know, which is, why does it always
01:58rain at the weekend?
01:59General Potters!
02:01General Potters!
02:02General Potters!
02:02All hands, man your battle station!
02:05Clive!
02:05Is it because cricket matches are played at the weekend?
02:09And God doesn't like cricket?
02:10Well, it's just sort of an element of Sod's Law, isn't it? That you're trying to do something outdoors, uh,
02:14fates, you know, garden fates happen.
02:16Clive, Clive, Sod's Law doesn't really exist.
02:19As a practicing Sod and lawyer, I am.
02:23If it doesn't exist, I'm sure this government is going to introduce it fairly soon.
02:27I think more people go out at the weekend and they create a warm front with heat.
02:33Especially if they haven't got hats on.
02:35There's a lot of body heat that's lost.
02:37But the thing is, though, a week is a man-made construct.
02:41You're right. And which men first made it?
02:43Well, they had it in the Bible, didn't they?
02:46That's right. It's a pre-biblical civilization, first gave us a seven-day week.
02:49Yes.
02:50The Romans had an eight-day week.
02:51It's Egyptians or Babylonians.
02:53Babylonians is the right answer. It was the Babylonians.
02:55What do you mean? If it's a man-made construct, what have we done that makes it rain at the
02:59weekends?
03:00I'm going to give you points because you're actually on the right track.
03:02It's industry, combustion, all kinds of things like that builds up during the working week.
03:07And on Saturdays, particularly in America, it rains considerably more than it does on other days.
03:12I remember it raining one Saturday.
03:17That's a lovely story.
03:19Did you like that? I knew you'd like it, Steve.
03:21That is gorgeous.
03:22Anyway, that's the answer.
03:23More rain falls on a Saturday than any other day.
03:26Recent discoveries show this is due to a seven-day dust cycle caused by traffic and industrial activity during the
03:33working week.
03:34Now, next question.
03:35What connects gelignite, saccharine, and the rings around Uranus?
03:42This is what I call a fantastic night owl.
03:49Well, if this is about discoveries, the thing I know about gelignite is it was invented by Noble of the
03:55Nobel Prize.
03:56Exactly it was, yes.
03:57And this is a safety version of dynamite.
03:59Gelignite is safer than nitroglycerin, which is what's inside dynamite.
04:04Nitroglycerin escapes from the dynamite and it blows people up, including Nobel's brothers.
04:08If you get that on your hands, you can get a headache and they call it, I mean, bang head.
04:12I learnt that on Brainiac.
04:13You're absolutely right.
04:16I have reason to believe that it was invented by mistake.
04:21Hooray!
04:22Top marks.
04:23Absolutely right.
04:23They're all serendipitous accidental inventions.
04:26When were the rings around Uranus discovered?
04:30Quite recently, I think.
04:33The rings of Uranus were discovered in 1977, actually.
04:36When did it stop being called Uranus?
04:39About five minutes ago, I said Uranus.
04:41I suddenly noticed that it could sound like your anus.
04:46I can't remember who discovered it, but the guy who discovered it wanted to call it George Planet after the
04:51king.
04:52Herschel.
04:52Herschel, yeah.
04:53In 1781.
04:54You can't ask for anusole in that way in a shop.
04:58You have to pronounce it anusole.
05:00It's a slightly embarrassing product.
05:01Let's call it anusole.
05:04Can I ask you cockwart go, please?
05:07I mean, it might as well be.
05:08Yes, yes, yes.
05:10Ridiculous.
05:10And whilst about it, I'll have a packet of those spunk bags.
05:21Well, anyway.
05:23Alfred Nobel was trying to make dynamite more stable and he discovered by adding collodion.
05:28He'd had some on his finger.
05:29I don't know if you've ever used it as an actor.
05:30If you've ever had to have a scar.
05:32It tightens on the skin very hard.
05:34They used to use it as a sort of liquid plaster.
05:35He'd cut himself and he thought, this is a very odd stuff.
05:37And he just thought he'd try mixing it with lots of other things.
05:40And he accidentally mixed it with his nitroglystinine and it formed a jelly,
05:43which you could throw around unlike nitroglystinine.
05:45And he says, you know, it's very, very unstable.
05:48Saccharin, he forgot to wash his hands after playing with some chemicals
05:51and then found his food tasted sweet.
05:53So he was an American, obviously, because he ate with his fingers.
05:57There's a huge amount of number of things that are discovered by accident.
06:00Trousers.
06:01Trousers.
06:03When somebody accidentally fell into two drain pipes.
06:07Hey, presto.
06:09No more embarrassing walks.
06:13That's like the story of Rockford, when a young shepherd boy,
06:16just picture the scene, he's dropped his cheese in a hole.
06:25And six months later, he's sheltering in the cave.
06:28And he found his bit of cheese, he's starving, and he's all rotten.
06:31And he's like, oh, well, what the hell, I'll eat it anyway.
06:34Mmm, it's delicious.
06:36And that's how blue cheese was discovered, children.
06:40The 3M company were after a paper glue that would stick cards and paper together really strongly.
06:45And one of her research companies was so bad at it that he just,
06:48but it sort of stuck, but you just peeled it off.
06:51And so he came up with the post-it note, which was an accident as well.
06:55Caffeine.
06:56Silly putty.
06:58Viagra.
06:59And another accident, of course, the Americas.
07:02Yes.
07:04They're not all successful.
07:06So yes, the most famous serendipitous discovery perhaps was penicillin, a great cure for diseases.
07:12And while we're on the subject of diseases, who suffered from Shagger's disease?
07:18Oh, did you know what I mean?
07:21Oh, bloody Shagger.
07:23Oh.
07:24Yeah.
07:26Wait, wait, wait.
07:27Touching.
07:27I'm off.
07:30We didn't see that one coming.
07:33Is it something to do with shag pile carpets, and the dust that comes from the shag pile,
07:38that it's drawn in through the nasal passage into the lungs, perhaps called woolly lung?
07:44I've done that idea, but it's not that.
07:46How are you spelling this Shagger's disease?
07:48Ah, no, that's a good question.
07:49How are you spelling it?
07:49It's actually spelled C-H-A-G-A-S, Shagas.
07:53I think it's some sort of virus or a bacterium or a...
07:56A parasitic disease.
07:57A parasitic disease.
07:58It's a parasitic disease.
07:59Is it some sort of equatorial disease?
08:01I'm sure I've had an injection against this or something.
08:02If anyone needed an injection against Shagger's disease.
08:05Yeah, what now?
08:06You're doing this thing!
08:07It's true!
08:10It's infectious.
08:11There's a famous person that is.
08:13And what's our letter of the series?
08:15D.
08:15D, it's a famous... Darwin.
08:16Darwin, Charles Darwin had Shagger's disease, and he described it.
08:19It's pretty unpleasant, I have to say.
08:21Did he get it off the beagle?
08:23Er...
08:24He did.
08:24Oh, look how it took him.
08:26Oh, look.
08:27Oh, that's true.
08:29The description of Shagger's disease is unpleasant.
08:30Vomiting preceded by shivering, hysterical crying, dying sensations.
08:36Half faint, copious and very pallid urine.
08:38This is pre-menstrual tension.
08:41What about this one?
08:42This is an odd one.
08:42Now, vomiting and every passage of flatulence preceded by ringing of ears.
08:50Mine is followed by ringing of ears.
08:51But he had this for 50 years.
08:53For 50 years he had that.
08:54Very sad.
08:55Amusing name.
08:56But by no means an amusing condition.
08:58Shagger's disease is a serious problem still for millions of people all over, particularly
09:01South America.
09:02It was discovered by Carlos Shagas.
09:04It's unique in the history of medicine, in as much as it is the only disease that was
09:08entirely described by one single researcher.
09:11Charles Darwin, one of the great discoverers of all time, of course, described many things
09:14with one notable exception.
09:16What was Darwin's problem with brown owl?
09:20And why did he not describe it?
09:22Now, clearly if one makes a joke about girl guides here, that he was traumatized during
09:29a period in the girl guides...
09:32Before...
09:32No!
09:34We...
09:36Help me now.
09:38We even predicted your mistake, because I think brown owl brownies.
09:40Yeah.
09:41Yeah.
09:42He must have died before...
09:43Before the brownies existed, exactly.
09:45Yeah.
09:45He probably ate it or something.
09:46Ah!
09:47So he ate brown owls, you're saying?
09:49Well, actually he didn't, because he described it as indescribable, which is why he didn't
09:54describe the brown owl.
09:56Well, actually as food he meant, because Charles Darwin, one of the greatest scientists,
10:00one of the greatest men really of any age, was considered a very dim pupil and couldn't
10:04spell and was terrible at arithmetic and went to Cambridge.
10:07The only subject his father thought was fit for him was divinity.
10:10And he spent his time chasing rats and shooting and looking at animals and eating strange
10:16animals.
10:17He was a member of the gourmet society, or the gluttons as it was known at Cambridge, and
10:20their aim in life was to eat as many rare and peculiar animals like bitons and hawks.
10:24But brown owl, they didn't like at all.
10:27And all the others became Bishop and Arch Jenkins.
10:29Well, this is...
10:29Is this still exist, this cloud?
10:31Exist?
10:32Stephen's the president of it!
10:34Well, otherwise you'd write me round for fox on cred.
10:38I think panda.
10:39That's the...
10:40Oh, that's lovely.
10:41Have you eaten panda?
10:42I've got a book at home.
10:43It's an equivalent to the Collins Book of Birds from 1850.
10:46And after describing each bird, at the end it will say, for instance, a buzzard tastes
10:51a little bit milder than a golden eagle.
10:54Yes.
10:54But still, quite palatable.
10:56Does it have a wine recommendation at the bottom?
10:58You suggest a Chablis or a New World Merleau.
11:01Do you know what you should drink with the beating heart of a cobra?
11:06This is a dish in China where you get a cobra and it's brought to the table alive.
11:11They then slice it open, rip the heart out, and it's beating on the plate there.
11:15You have to chase it round the plate, I suppose.
11:17And then you drink the blood of the snake as the wine.
11:21Actually, I ordered the lasagna.
11:22Yeah.
11:25What's the most disgusting thing you've ever eaten at all?
11:31Earwax.
11:36Your own?
11:38It was your own, I don't know.
11:39It's really horrible.
11:42Very bitter.
11:43I mean, just a tiny bit on the end of your fingers.
11:45Sweet and sad if you had to have a sandwich of it.
11:47Oh!
11:48Oh, no.
11:49Really, like a block of it.
11:52Oh!
11:54Anyway, a phylum feast is held on the 12th of February every year by zoologists and biologists,
11:59in which they try and eat as many different species as possible,
12:03in honour of Charles Darwin, whose birthday that was.
12:06Now, what's quite interesting about this sentence,
12:09serrated nor'wester sea breezes caress rambling sea lion kumquat excursion.
12:15They're all in different colours.
12:19One individual introduced all these words into the English language.
12:23John Macefield.
12:25No, it was earlier than that.
12:26Nicholas Parsons.
12:27Cook.
12:27James Cook.
12:29Not James Cook.
12:31Funnily enough, he was the first Englishman to put in Australia.
12:33He was a hero to many, many people and spoke many languages.
12:37He was the first man ever to work out the importance of wind over currents
12:40and published wind maps.
12:42Cook used him.
12:43Oh, we all feel we're thick as hell.
12:45No, no.
12:47I have to confess he was a vague name to me.
12:49I knew nothing about him before.
12:50William Dampier, his name was.
12:52I was going to say Dampier.
12:53I've got two first editions of Dampier's Voyages.
12:55Ah!
12:561701.
12:57But I didn't think he went there.
12:59You did?
12:59Have you read these books then?
13:01Yeah, yeah.
13:01And there's no mention of Australia.
13:04For about a hundred years, almost every Voyager carried a copy of his Voyages around with them.
13:10A New Voyage Around the World was his huge bestseller.
13:13So why isn't he famous?
13:14He should be, because there's a subsequent question which you might now get.
13:17How did he influence two of the most famous books in English?
13:22Robinson Crusoe?
13:23Robinson Crusoe is one.
13:24No, that wasn't him.
13:25That was Alexander Selkirk.
13:26It was Alexander Selkirk.
13:27But one other book.
13:28Peter Rabbit.
13:29Gulliver's Troubles.
13:30Yes.
13:36Gulliver's Troubles is a sort of fantasy version of his...
13:39That's right.
13:40It's a kind of parody-stroke fantasy version.
13:42And he mentions Dampier in the preface and he bases the Yahoo's on Dampier's descriptions
13:46of the aboriginals of Australia.
13:48But was he stranded on an island?
13:49No.
13:50The voyage on which Alexander Selkirk was the first mate was organized by Dampier
13:55and he was on board as well.
13:56And there was a captain who had furious rows with the young 27-year-old Alexander Selkirk,
14:02a Scot.
14:02And he tried to go around the Horn of South America.
14:05And for the fourth time, they arrived on this Masatierra, this little island,
14:10400 miles off the west coast of Chile.
14:12And Alexander Selkirk said,
14:13You can get me off here.
14:15I don't want to sail any more with you as captain.
14:17And he took his, you know, mattress and some books and some equipment.
14:20And then on the beach, then the ship prepared to go.
14:22And he thought, I've changed my mind.
14:24And straddling, the captain said, tough.
14:26And went off.
14:27So it wasn't a wreck.
14:28It was just that he fit.
14:29Left him.
14:29Left him for four and a half years on his own there.
14:31And then another ship came, the Duke.
14:35And he had Sue Lawley on board.
14:38But the pilot of the other ship that came up was William Dampier,
14:41who picked him up and rescued him.
14:43And on the way back, they took charge of a Spanish ship.
14:48Leaden.
14:48Leaden Spanish ship.
14:50All due to Selkirk's superior seamanship.
14:51And he went onto the ship that they captured and sailed it back.
14:55Made a fortune from the prize money.
14:57But what happened to him?
14:58He couldn't readjust to society after being Robinson Crusoe, as it were.
15:02And he went to live in a cave in Scotland for 15 years.
15:05And then Defoe wrote the book Robinson Crusoe.
15:08And he became a huge celebrity.
15:10People came to visit him in his cave and he got very annoyed.
15:12So he joined the Navy.
15:13And off the coast of Africa, drank infected water and died.
15:17Dampier wasn't well liked either because he was a privateer.
15:19And also, another person on one of his ships was John Silver,
15:24who was a peg leg.
15:25He was just an ordinary seaman, but he was there.
15:29Israel Hands was real.
15:31He was shot in the leg by Blackbeard.
15:32Oh, really?
15:33Blackbeard put his gun under the table and shot Israel Hands in the leg
15:37and said, now, don't forget who's boss.
15:39It would teach, was it not his name?
15:41It would teach, yes.
15:42I know that there's a bloke in Moby Dick called Starbuck who liked coffee.
15:46And his best friend was Costa.
15:50I think I know that because you told me.
15:52Yeah, well, it's good to know.
15:54There's an extraordinary academic book called Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition.
15:59Do you know that book?
15:59I've got it, yeah.
15:59I've got that book.
16:02Tom Baker came up to me and said, Jim, I think you might find this interesting.
16:10It's a fine book that I'd recommend it.
16:12The name of the show is quite interesting.
16:14I think Vic here has been more than quite interesting.
16:16Yes.
16:16I'm going to give you 20 points for this fantastic stuff.
16:19Brilliant.
16:24Now, what two discoveries do we owe to this gentleman?
16:30Shorts and socks.
16:33I would say this is the first ever full mince.
16:40He looks a bit like Harry Houdini.
16:42Is he a circus performer?
16:45A circus performer is so precisely what he is.
16:48And that's his outfit.
16:49His outfit is his name.
16:51Ted Tights.
16:53Jules?
16:54He is Ted Tights, but Jules Leotard.
16:57He is the man about whom the song The Daring Young Man on the Flying Trapeze was written.
17:03You said two inventions, though.
17:06He invented the somersault through the air onto another piece.
17:08He also invented hummus.
17:10Which was discovered when he peeled off the leotard.
17:16And when left to rot, it turns into Tere Misalata.
17:21It was most unpleasant.
17:23He, of course, didn't call it a leotard.
17:25It was only called that after his death.
17:26He called it a maillot.
17:27M-A-I-L-L-O-T.
17:28So, if I had an unusual item of clothing that had never been seen before, we could call it a
17:33smith.
17:34You could.
17:35You're wearing it now.
17:36Yeah.
17:39So, we say thank you to Jules Leotard for the flying trapeze and the leotard.
17:43And lastly, we must come now to a relatively recent discovery.
17:48Name something quite interesting that kangaroos can't do.
17:53They can't drive.
17:57That's kind of true.
17:58They can't drive.
17:59I'm going to reduce it then to a bodily...
18:02They can't smell.
18:03They can't climb trees.
18:04It's a bodily function, I'm afraid.
18:06Can't fart.
18:07They cannot fart is the right answer.
18:09That's too polite.
18:11Well done.
18:14You do wonder how they found this out.
18:17Well, you absolutely...
18:18We've been here for 200 years and not one of those damn kangaroos has farted.
18:23I can't believe it.
18:25The odd thing is that they eat exactly the same sort of diet as cows who fart an enormous amount.
18:30In fact, cows fart so much that they're a threat to the planet, aren't they?
18:33Oh yeah, let's blame the cows.
18:35Well, it's our fault for domesticating them and having huge prairies on them, isn't it?
18:39Well, why can't they fart?
18:40Well...
18:41They're not really big arseholes, are they?
18:43They're very tight ones.
18:44They don't know that would create a high-pitched fart.
18:47Let me tell you.
18:48I'm the prince.
18:51Trap wind is terrible.
18:53Yeah.
18:54Well, that's the point.
18:55It's one of 40 different bacteria that are in the kangaroo's gut that aren't in a cow's gut
19:00and they want to isolate it and maybe try giving it to a cow and see if that'll stop cows
19:04farting.
19:04Well, these cows are like swells. There's enormous signs, wouldn't they?
19:08Because it'd be fantastic to be in charge of a good, brutal fart when you jump like that, wouldn't it?
19:13It could give you...
19:15It could give you an extra foot in the air, wouldn't it?
19:18It's cheap but true and potentially of world-chattering importance
19:21because if we can get cows to stop farting, we may well save the planet.
19:24Who knows?
19:25Now, we will move on as our flimsy bark of ignorance brings us to the great terror incognita
19:32that we call general ignorance.
19:34So fingers on buzzers, if you will, please, and let's see what swamps and quicksands lay awaiting.
19:39What did Queen Victoria have to say about her musical bottom?
19:45It was, er, La Petta Mine.
19:47Ah, no, it wasn't that kind of bottom. It was the kind of bottom that you wear.
19:51Bustle. Bustles.
19:53Yes.
19:53A musical bustle was made for her, for her golden jubilee.
19:56And the tune that it played, when she sat down, was, Arthur.
20:01We are not immune.
20:02No, no, no, no.
20:03Oh, no, you didn't say that!
20:05Oh, no!
20:08We fought them into that.
20:09All right.
20:10What I meant, Arthur, was, press yours.
20:12Yeah.
20:14Exactly.
20:15No, it was God save the Queen.
20:17Oh, how...
20:18The idea was that, of course, if you'd sit down and it would play God said, then everyone would
20:21stand, you'd have to stand up.
20:23Apparently she was immune, I'm sorry to say.
20:25The mark of a true Queen, Stephen, apparently, is that you never have to look around when you
20:30sit down.
20:31She didn't look behind her to see if there was a chair, because a chair would always be
20:35put underneath her, so you could spot it was a fake Queen.
20:40Somebody, at some point, some teacher of the royals, has said, whenever you go out
20:44anywhere, just look around at anything.
20:47It doesn't really matter what you're looking at.
20:49But they're just constantly looking about.
20:51Yeah.
20:51Like there's a fly loose.
20:54Well, anyway, that was the musical bottom.
20:56What goes to wit to woo?
20:58Oh, I'm going to say brown owl, just to get rid of the points, you know.
21:02Well...
21:02Yeah, you see, I just, I'm just...
21:05If only you'd said brown owls.
21:09Two brown owls go to wit to woo, but one never can.
21:12Well, one goes twit and one goes twoo.
21:14Exactly!
21:15We might even be able to whip up the sound of it for you.
21:21That's the twit.
21:22And that was the who.
21:25In legal documents and statutes, you always construe the singular to include the plural.
21:35I'll have the penalty, if you can tell me, is it the male who goes who, or the female?
21:39I'd have thought the female would have the last word, so the male would go who.
21:43Oh, it's the other way round.
21:44The female goes twit, and, and...
21:47The male goes who?
21:49Exactly!
21:50Anyway, why did Fernville Lord Digby work in the nude?
21:57Ah, is that him there?
21:58No, I don't know who that is.
22:00I can't.
22:00I don't know who that is.
22:02Don't turn round!
22:03Because it was a dog.
22:04Because it was a dog.
22:05It was a Dulux dog.
22:06You're absolutely right!
22:08Oh, brilliant.
22:08Oh, brilliant!
22:10That was the second one.
22:12Well done!
22:15I always wonder why they have a dog on the Andrek, you know, the, the toilet paper adverts.
22:20So there's this sort of implication that really you'd rather be wiping your arse with a dog.
22:25Thank you very much.
22:29But actually, er, what was the French, er, what was that French, French decadent writer?
22:36Rabelais.
22:39Rabelais, he says...
22:40Always wiped his arse with a dog.
22:41No, he did.
22:42Over the swan's neck.
22:43But he wouldn't go down there, he wouldn't go down the pan, would he?
22:44That's what he said.
22:45The best he did a survey.
22:47Wipe your arse.
22:48That's the best thing to wipe your arse with.
22:50And then put it back on the seine.
22:52And then off you go.
22:54That's really flossing, really, isn't it?
22:57But how astonishingly successful, for all its oddity, as you say.
23:01I mean, the fact is, people now all over Britain, if they can't remember that that's called an Old English
23:05Sheepdog,
23:05they'll say, oh, they've got one of those lovely Dulux dogs.
23:07I mean, they're actually called that now, aren't they?
23:09But he did more for the sales of Old English Sheepdogs than did for the paint, yeah.
23:13And there's, again, the implication that you could paint using the dog.
23:18Who knows?
23:19I, you know, I had occasions to hire a theatrical duck once.
23:24A lovey duck.
23:26In my career, I've had occasion to hire many, many inanimate profit animals.
23:33But the most expensive was a pelican.
23:36Was it an enormous bill?
23:39Hey!
23:42You weren't going to say that, were you?
23:43No, I wasn't.
23:44But do give yourself ten points for that.
23:48Anyway, it's time to guess your patent, if you'd be so kind.
23:51Alan, what have you got for us?
23:53Well, it's some sort of electrified Christmas stocking.
23:56It's a shoe bomb.
23:59Why would you want an electrified Christmas stocking, anyway?
24:01It's a Santa Claus detector.
24:04Oh, of course.
24:05It's got a motion detection.
24:06You hang it amongst your other stockings,
24:08and when Santa Claus comes, it triggers a light and an alarm on it.
24:11There's no such thing as Santa Claus.
24:13I know there isn't.
24:15Waste of time.
24:16Waste of time.
24:18This looks like a bra, where you've got a little nozzle,
24:21and you can blow down it to inflate the bra.
24:24So this is clearly designed for a woman who maybe thinks...
24:28A woman with no arms.
24:29Oh, yes.
24:29I wasn't going to mention that.
24:32She's got one breast she feels is slightly smaller than the other,
24:34but she doesn't make a big thing, except when she's walking past somebody
24:37who she fancies, so she can quickly and surreptitiously
24:41inflate the breast.
24:42Odd enough, your breath was going in the wrong direction.
24:44You were blowing when you should be sucking.
24:46So you suck...
24:47You basically have drink in your bra.
24:49Yes.
24:50And you can surreptitiously suck your drink out of it.
24:53It's only going to be for red wine, though, isn't it?
24:55Because it's going to be too warm for white wine or beer, or...
24:58Oh, what about Ovaltine?
25:00Oh!
25:02Can I have one of those Ovaltine bras?
25:05That I've heard so much about.
25:08She came in here reeking of Ovaltine.
25:14What's yours, young Arthur?
25:15Ah, yes.
25:16I remember Clive Anderson in his thirties.
25:21And, er...
25:23I can't hardly believe it, but maybe someone has actually patented the coma.
25:28Yeah, absolutely right.
25:28On May the 10th, 1977, Frank Smith, from Orlando, Florida,
25:34filed a patent for a method of styling hair to cover partial baldness
25:38using only the hair on a person's head.
25:39But why is his head the colour of a baboon's arse?
25:43Have you got the full details of this that I could take away and study?
25:48If you look at this picture, though, what you'll see is a horse with its tail...
25:54And that's just the end of it.
25:56Vic, what have you got for us?
25:59Er, this is, erm, a device for sucking those special gases out of a U-bend.
26:09And it looks like an actual pan that's filled with some sort of worms.
26:13Which probably create the gas in the U-bend.
26:16Well, you're more or less right.
26:17It is a device for allowing you to breathe in the event of a fire in a hotel room.
26:21You pop it in.
26:23It's called the toilet snorkel.
26:27So, your last moments before the fire burns your backside off,
26:33you're spent sucking in lavatory air.
26:36Lavatory air.
26:37Darling, where's the toilet snorkel?
26:43And on that marvellous note, ladies and gentlemen,
26:47I think it's time to have a look at the points.
26:48And they are more than a little interesting.
26:51Because, in first place, a newcomer to the game,
26:54and my God, did he play a blinder,
26:56Mr. Vic Reeves.
26:57Ooh!
27:0216 Trist Young points he earned.
27:04But look at this.
27:05I cannot believe it, ladies and gentlemen.
27:07In second place, with zero, it's Alan Davis!
27:10Oh!
27:11How you've primed a giddy hug for zero.
27:15You've dreamt of scoring zero, haven't you?
27:17You've dreamt of it.
27:18I come in with zero. If only I can leave with it.
27:21In third place, with minus seven, Clive Anderson.
27:24What are those seven times?
27:26I don't know.
27:27But I'm afraid the one who fell most into our heiferlump traps
27:30was Arthur Smith on minus 23!
27:33Oh!
27:41From Clive Vic, Arthur Allen and me,
27:43that's all from QI this week.
27:45One last word on discoveries from the plenipotentiary
27:48of gobbledygook himself, Ken Dodd.
27:50The man who invented cat's eyes got the idea
27:52when he saw a cat facing him in the road.
27:55If the cat had been facing the other way,
27:58he'd have invented the pencil sharpener.
Comments