- 6 weeks ago
First broadcast 13th January 1982.
Monty Wiseman, a dodgy travel agent, pays Terry to collect a coffin from the airport and store it at Arthur's lock-up.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Harry Fowler - Monty Wiseman
Patricia Maynard - Mrs. Chambers
Derek Fowlds - Meadhurst
Harold Innocent - Incapable
Suzi Quatro - Nancy (as Suzy Quatro)
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Michael Povey - D C Jones
Eileen Way - Mrs. Chambers' Mother
Rayner Bourton - Randolf
Michael Jenkinson - Vicar
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Richard Bonehill - Barman
Jerry Judge - Pub Patron
Steve Meek - Pub patron
Raul Newney - Pub Patron
Fred Wood - Deadbeat
Monty Wiseman, a dodgy travel agent, pays Terry to collect a coffin from the airport and store it at Arthur's lock-up.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Harry Fowler - Monty Wiseman
Patricia Maynard - Mrs. Chambers
Derek Fowlds - Meadhurst
Harold Innocent - Incapable
Suzi Quatro - Nancy (as Suzy Quatro)
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Michael Povey - D C Jones
Eileen Way - Mrs. Chambers' Mother
Rayner Bourton - Randolf
Michael Jenkinson - Vicar
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Richard Bonehill - Barman
Jerry Judge - Pub Patron
Steve Meek - Pub patron
Raul Newney - Pub Patron
Fred Wood - Deadbeat
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00The fire is killing the future!
00:30believe me mrs chambers you have my deepest sympathy i know what you must be feeling
00:45do you mr wiseman of course my dear your husband joe wasn't just an employee
00:50he was also a very close personal friend really he never said oh yes well i mean that was joe
00:56wasn't it you know what i mean they're discreet loyal stone a nice man god rest his soul believe
01:02me he's a great loss a tragedy i i trust you had him well insured yes there is a policy yes well
01:10a person has to protect themselves against the wicked tricks of fate very sensible one of this
01:17had to be i'll take care of the funeral expenses help you to organize things it's the least i can
01:24do i just want to help and the man should be laid to rest with dignity
01:28dead well and truly a little furry pancake needed a shovel to lift him off the road
01:38what do you expect 20 ton of articulator lorry you can't argue with i bet the wife's upset
01:46i think he was human the way she's going i better get attached a bit
01:51i hope this isn't going to take long a small formality my dear all you have to do is sign
01:57a few papers and leave everything to me don't worry
02:01you got a meat or something no i just wonder where terry is he's usually in here by now
02:08well he pulled out blonde sort that was in here last night after you left
02:11he's probably sleeping late sleeping i don't know how he does it really the boy's obsessed
02:16with crumpet i think he's after the queen's award for industry and it drains his strength
02:21he interferes with business he's got no consideration at all
02:25and what were you doing when you were 20 years younger arthur
02:27that is not the point dave
02:29is it
02:29you know terry as lovers go you're not too bad
02:37yeah well i practice a lot on me own you know
02:42anyway i thought we were gonna have a bath before we did all this
02:48that's right yeah
02:51yes madam you're quite right we're gonna have a bath
02:57but you get the end with the taps
03:00my hero
03:01i'm sorry we can't accommodate your late husband here on the premises mrs chambers but as you can see we are
03:10rather full
03:11well i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it
03:14i can't have him at home i've got my mother staying she and my husband hated each other
03:18to have him lying around the house yet again would be just too intolerable
03:23perhaps we should try somewhere else
03:25forgive me mrs chambers but this is not the kind of thing you shop around for my dear
03:30and mr medhurst here does a lovely funeral believe me
03:33meadhurst
03:34forgive me
03:35and he's already handling the arrangements for bringing joe god rest his soul
03:38back into the country
03:40yes but what about the body
03:41well that's not a problem i will arrange a dignified place of temporary rest
03:46what are friends for
03:47i want you to drive me back to the office and then take mrs chambers home
03:59she's standing it then
04:00what do you think i'll make a living by being a bad judge of people
04:03she's a million
04:04yeah but
04:05arthur daly
04:06intellectuals i should trust
04:08geezers with nass
04:10now listen randolph if you want to make a crust in this wicked world always use mugs
04:14take my word for it we're surrounded by them what about incapable
04:18yes well uh when you've dumped the grieving widow go find him before his liver winds up in a bottle
04:24oh i'm so terribly sorry madam
04:32oh god
04:33would i could make contact with him madam
04:35if perchance you have his ear so to speak perhaps you could say a few words on my behalf
04:41you're disgusting
04:42i'll have you know i was once a professional man of some repute
04:47and a fellow of the royal college of surgeries
04:52arthur it's for you
04:58monty wiseman
05:00monty wiseman
05:01hello monty
05:03yeah
05:05of course
05:07what you know me always ready to discuss a bit of business
05:10yeah sure where
05:12all right yeah
05:14i'll drop in
05:15you can't be serious
05:25i'm serious already
05:26you think i brought you here to tell jokes
05:29i don't think i feel very well
05:42i'm not surprised look at you look at you you're an affront to nature
05:46a bottle on some laboratory shelf you'll end up in
05:48that may well be but my brain is in very good condition
05:52well arthur have the good sense to have a trade
05:54so much money you got you couldn't use a grand for a few hours graft
05:57grand
06:00do you want the hangle
06:03um
06:03oh no no but there are um
06:06one or two things to uh consider
06:09cash ready's in the hand no vat
06:12what's to consider
06:14well i mean it is a bit um
06:15i mean why can't you handle
06:18well not handle but deal with it
06:20well it's the wife nervous disposition
06:23i mean a thing like that lying around the house
06:25you understand it's not nice
06:27anyway uh
06:28joe she didn't know
06:30oh he's not a relation then
06:32he's not even the same religion
06:34but if he's not a relation why are you uh
06:37you know well uh close personal friend no family
06:42what could i do arthur a man must be laid to rest with dignity
06:47dignity in my lock-up
06:50well he won't be complaining will he
06:54arthur last time i saw a pair of legs like that when i've made a message tied to it
07:24so why don't you give me a break i've had as much as i can take
07:30now we should break up
07:32i'm tired of making up while you've been making out with someone else's
07:37makeup
07:39i suppose it should be heartbreak time but funny thing i'm feeling fine
07:44and then you give it to me
07:50one more time
07:52and i nail my mouth
07:54you are writing terry
07:56what are you doing here
07:58looking for you my son
08:00and searching for culture
08:02we've come to the right place of both
08:03haven't you
08:05go and drink
08:05need one terry need one
08:08some asses lipstick
08:10oh some asses lipstick
08:17good aren't i
08:18terry some people have opinions others have taste i belong to the latter
08:25hey you're not a bird you pulled in the winchester last night
08:28i've been pulling this babe have you
08:31no i didn't pull her no
08:33she pulled me
08:35i'll tell you something
08:38singing is not the only thing she's good at
08:42stop on the plate
08:45stop
08:49there
08:52you're right you've got a problem
08:53no no no problem just a little job i want you to help me with
08:58help
09:00i'll do it for you eh
09:02go on next
09:04help
09:05assist
09:06right
09:07give a hand remember
09:17great come in
09:20get some of that down you thanks
09:21well done my dear
09:23you're arthur right
09:24such is my name
09:26oh sorry i thought it was arthur
09:28it is arthur
09:30so who's such
09:32pardon
09:34terry what is happening i think we'll be missing something
09:37oh no not at all
09:38come on what about this job
09:39um
09:41don't be daft spit it out
09:43well look we've got to go to the airport tomorrow and collect
09:47pick someone up
09:48or someone who's flown in
09:49um
09:50who will have been flown in yeah
09:52that's no problem is it you've got your motor
09:54no no it's not that it's a little bit more complicated you see he's um
09:57a bit incapacitated
10:00oh an invalid
10:01yeah you could say invalid yeah
10:03a wheelchair job
10:04no no no no no not wheelchair but he is uh
10:07very very ill
10:08how ill
10:09you could say terminally
10:11terminally
10:13well well to be really accurate i mean precise
10:17he's dead
10:18first i make a central incision in the abdominal wall
10:25that is of course unless my hand slips
10:28not bloody man
10:30and then i open up the peritoneum
10:33and having completed my examination
10:36remove the offending organ
10:39and then
10:41shut the wall
10:43here you seen incapable
10:44no
10:46you
10:48seen incapable
10:50justice
10:52now let me get this straight
10:54monty weisman is paying you 500 quid to collect a dead mate of his
10:58and you are going to keep the body in your slaughter
11:00well you can't turn down that kind of dough terry
11:03i didn't know you i'd think it was a wind-up
11:05no no serious
11:07you're dead serious
11:08yeah oh terry please
11:11monty weisman ain't got any friends
11:13i mean monty weisman is so crooked he'd nick the rings from under his mother's eyes
11:18i mean if he's partying with a monkey there's got to be a catch
11:20so young and yet so cynical look the man is a close personal friend
11:27even the monty weismans of this world are entitled to a moment of genuine grief
11:31look if he was grieving he wouldn't be dumping his friend in your slaughter would he
11:35it is not a slaughter it's a warehouse terry unfortunate term in the circumstances one of us must be drunk
11:50it's all within the law legal and proper i tell you
12:03yeah but that monty weisman i mean the people he knows the places i mean he he could have dumped his
12:08friend anywhere couldn't he i mean why pick on us trust i suppose terence plain and simple trust
12:13well i don't know where else to look piss artists like that could be anywhere couldn't he he's got
12:21to go back to that filthy cars he lives in sometimes you go back there and hang about till he shows up
12:25leave off monty i'll probably catch something have you seen it it's the only way uh listen darling
12:32your sums are atrocious this booking had cost me money what's the matter with you listen
12:44mon you sure about all this randolph possession is nine points of the law right so they say so if we
12:50run into a little difficulty who's in possession arthur right look shut huh
13:02maybe it's been a bad month for death terry i'm not sure what their opening hours are
13:10listen what this geezer die of anyway heart attack on a boat on the way to malta according to monty
13:18that's why the uh departed has got to be flown back so that his uh mortal remains can repose
13:24somewhere till monty makes arrangements for the uh funeral yeah but shouldn't his mortal remains
13:31repose in a place like this yeah well i mean perhaps perhaps there's uh other company in there
13:38or perhaps monty wants to maul in private i don't know
13:45mr meadhurst meadhurst yes can i help you yes are you the under the funeral director yes
13:52i'm mr daly oh yes mr wiseman did ring and explain things will you come in a minute i'll just get
13:57the coat and the papers oh it's all right uh we're not open yet only the walking allowed
14:03uh will you be accompanying me in the van to the airport or do you have a car uh no no we'll just
14:15uh follow you up in the car nice now i understand for mr wiseman that you are in some way related to
14:20uh mr chambers mr chambers the deceased oh yes yes uh distantly second cousin we've never actually
14:30met socially that is oh i see sell it's never pleasant is it well i'll get my coat and we can
14:37be on our way what was all that then i didn't know monty was gonna tell him i was a cousin
14:45you better read that what to do after dick terry
14:55these don't seem right to me terry that's what i've been trying to tell you innit no no not that
15:00it is i mean it should be us and blokes in dark suits i mean look at that undertaker he's wearing a
15:08sports jacket anyone i think we come to collect furniture no respect these days terry no respect
15:14at all well i shouldn't think it would upset your second cousin too much mr daly it's all in order
15:21they're bringing the body out now well go on then come with them
15:36urgent medical supplies it's all right it's quite standard just a discreet way of transporting that's
15:42all right oh you how long has this cousin of yours been brown bread terry well it could be unhealthy
15:49couldn't it well actually the body was embalmed at the port of course well that's a relief
15:54if you could uh just give me a hand to load it up yeah well we're gonna have to move the transit
15:59aren't we the keys in it oh look terry terry i'll do that you work you hope mr meadhurst
16:03oh that'll do you all right all right hold on now it'll be heavy that's a dead weight innit
16:23uh open the doors
16:32fire uh give me a sharp little slide inside
16:35right oh my god
16:40sorry mate that's all right not you him
16:43don't think that little mishap caused any damage do you terry can't get much more damage than dead
16:56that is not funny that is not funny at all that is the kind of irreverence for the human condition
17:01i find totally offensive especially at 500 quid a time hey look yeah how much am i getting out of
17:09that oh well that depends on uh how long you have to spend with the um late lamented uh mr chambers
17:18do what oh sorry didn't i tell you uh monty wants someone to uh watch over his uh poor parish pal
17:25while he uh makes all the arrangements you know he wants someone to sit with him
17:32how do you feel now dear i feel perfectly all right mother good i didn't know about his heart you
17:38know getting around the world like that he never did have any consideration for others
17:43not totally inconsiderate at least he's left me comfortable yes and you'll be careful some
17:48other man doesn't come along to take advantage of it don't worry i will be when did you say the
17:53funeral was tomorrow nice of that mr wiseman to help out convenient yes
18:00no arthur definitely not there is no way i'm gonna sit minding a bleeding corpse
18:07for a short time terry i don't want we can make other arrangements are you deaf or something no
18:14exactly that's my answer too no no got it you don't have to make your mind up now this will be on
18:19nice wages uh not not here surely um well it is only temporary you know till mr wiseman makes other
18:35a lot i'll just make some room while you and terry uh well it's not very orthodox mr daly i
18:42well i do believe my late cousin was not famed for his formality
18:46but it's all right isn't it i mean uh there's no lawful reason why uh well uh no i good good
18:54well don't stand there terry give mr meadhurst a hand oh and then move my car out of the way and lock it
19:12okay arthur i'm not sure maybe a couple of hours right just make sure he's not left on his own
19:32i'll be off then hold on i'm coming with you yeah but monty i'm not monty wait come on
19:39monty oh god no arthur look it's only for a couple of hours terry arthur not even for 10 minutes
19:47yeah i tell you what look 50 sobs now i can't say fairer than that and that is on top of the pony
19:52i've already given you no no 75 hundred done cashing your claw soon as monty weighs in you can
19:59collect you have my committed word no no i mean he's probably gonna knock you anyway ain't he
20:05besides uh i've got a mate hey you've got a mate yeah i promised nancy i'll take her out for a cup
20:11a drink and that's charming it's nice i am in stuc and you're going bird in it
20:16well it's only a couple of hours in it i don't see why you can't dwell here
20:19terry i would i would but i promised her indoors i'll take the shopping at brent cross
20:23you yeah and she'll go potty if i don't turn up look just bella and explain things leave it out
20:29terry she wouldn't believe it i don't believe and believe it i'll see you later well terry terry
20:36terry hey don't shut the door
20:48terry
20:50terry
20:56terry
20:58terry
21:00terry
21:02terry
21:04terry
21:06terry
21:08terry
21:10terry
21:12terry
21:14terry
21:16terry
21:18terry
21:20terry
21:22terry
21:24terry
21:26terry
21:28terry
21:30terry
21:32Wake the schmock up, Randolph.
21:47He's well zonked, Monk.
21:48You ain't gonna get much joy out of him for some time.
21:50Aye, aye, that's all I need.
21:53Well, tie the drunken bump to the bed so he can't get his hands on any more booze when he wakes up.
21:57We'll come back later.
22:32Hey.
22:37Terry.
22:38Ooh, what are you doing here?
22:40You invited me, remember?
22:42Oh, that's right.
22:44Come on in, come here.
22:48It's all right, innit?
22:50Yeah, the door's open, so I just came up.
22:52Oh, yeah, don't worry about that.
22:53It's an open house.
22:54It's a squat.
22:55Everybody's welcome.
22:58Everybody?
22:59Well, not everybody.
23:03Well, don't it be your plaything for an hour, you know?
23:08There's a drink over there if you want, would you sell yourself?
23:10Or, uh, you want something else?
23:15Listen, uh, do you have to smoke that crap?
23:19I don't know.
23:49Hello?
24:14Hello, Wiseman Enterprises.
24:16Mr Wiseman, this is Mr Meadhurst.
24:19Hello, Mr Meadhurst. What can I do for you?
24:21Well, I'm afraid we have a little problem concerning the late Mr Chambers.
24:26Problem? What do you mean? What problem?
24:28Well, I've had a phone call from the coroner's office requesting a post-mortem.
24:32I have informed Mrs Chambers.
24:34Just a moment. How come the coroner knows about my friend?
24:39Well, you've probably forgotten, but I did explain to you that it is incumbent on the funeral director to inform the coroner.
24:46A courtesy call, you said?
24:48Well, yes, but I'm afraid I shall have to collect your late friend and deliver him to the mortuary in order for the post-mortem to be carried out.
24:55That is the law, Mr Wiseman, and there's nothing we can do.
24:59Land off!
25:00I'm afraid the funeral arrangements for tomorrow will have to be cancelled, Mother.
25:04You can't rely on the man even when he's dead.
25:08Hello, Arthur.
25:09Who the hell are you going to?
25:10I'm leaving.
25:11I'm going home, Mum.
25:14Where the hell are you going to?
25:35I'm leaving. I'm going home. I don't feel very well.
25:39You ain't going nowhere.
25:40Please, Monty. I've had the most disturbing experience.
25:43I feel quite wretched.
25:45Wretched? What's wretched already?
25:47That in there, that was horrible.
25:49Horrible. It moved and made the most weird noise.
25:53I'm telling you, Monty, it is not of this world.
25:58Have you been drinking?
25:59Drinking? Come on.
26:05Hello, Monty.
26:07You're peppering with the forces beyond the pale.
26:09Where is it?
26:10Over there, on the pet food.
26:12The undead?
26:14It's not natural, Monty.
26:15Shut up, Arthur. Give us a note.
26:16Look, Monty, please. I have read my Dennis Wheatley.
26:19You are dealing with the supernatural.
26:21Ouija, ectoplasm, and that sort of thing.
26:24Evil beyond man's understanding.
26:26What are you?
26:28Crank, as I'm kind?
26:29Here, Arthur.
26:30Arthur, this casket is sink-lined.
26:34Thermatically sealed with solder.
26:36Nothing has got out of here, and that includes the undead.
26:39Look, Monty, I know what I saw.
26:40I know what I heard.
26:41I'm not an idiot.
26:42Yeah, yeah, Arthur.
26:43Now, listen.
26:43Have you got a roof rack or something around here?
26:45Roof rack?
26:46Yeah, they go on top of cars to put luggage in.
26:49I know what a roof rack is.
26:51Well, have you got one, Arthur?
26:52Well, as a matter of fact, I do a very nice line in roof racks.
26:55I can let you have two dozen.
26:56It costs price.
26:56I only want one.
26:58Well, get it.
27:02I've got to shift this right away.
27:04Shift it?
27:05Why?
27:06Because they want to commit unspeakable indignities on my friend here.
27:10Unspeakable indignities?
27:12Yes, Arthur.
27:13And that I cannot allow them to do.
27:15Who?
27:16Interfering bureaucrats, that's who.
27:18And feeling schmocks.
27:20The coroner wants to slice him up.
27:23But that's official.
27:24I mean, you can't just hide a body.
27:28You want a bet?
27:29Where?
27:35Boy, you got a nerve.
27:37Aye?
27:39You've only known me for two minutes,
27:40and already you're trying to organise my life.
27:43As you said, you fancy to walk.
27:45What about that hassle with the dope?
27:48Well, what's a good-looking bird like you need with that crap, aye?
27:51You see what I mean?
27:53Lectures already.
27:53Do you want anything stronger than grass?
27:58What's that got to do with you?
28:00God, you're beginning to sound like a cop.
28:04Look, if you want to be used and exploited by the slags who deal in that crap, all right, rock on.
28:10I mean, you won't be the first rock and roller to sit outside boots in the dilly with her tongue hanging out, will you?
28:15You see what I mean?
28:16Now he's a social worker.
28:17Oh, no, he's a social worker.
28:21Come here.
28:23I beg your pardon?
28:24Come here.
28:24You're nice.
28:36You're a little bit old-fashioned, but nice.
28:40Not like most of the guys I meet.
28:43I suppose a Lego was out of the question.
28:47Anyway, you can talk about being used.
28:55What about that Arthur of yours?
28:58I mean, from what I can make out, he uses you all the time.
29:02Yeah, I suppose so, in a way, yeah.
29:03I mean, that business with the dead body.
29:06No, with Arthur and me, it's different, you see.
29:08I mean, we've got an understanding.
29:10Like, he knows how far he can or can't go with me.
29:13I'll stand for him, what I won't.
29:14He won't stand for it, Monty.
29:15I'm telling you, he'll go potty.
29:17Well, let Randolph worry about that, shall we?
29:21Do me a favor, Arthur.
29:22Stop whining about Teddy.
29:26Hey, boo!
29:27Monty, this is the boy's home.
29:37I mean, nobody likes strangers parked in their living room.
29:41Especially dead ones.
29:43Ah.
29:44You're right, Arthur.
29:46Randolph, slap it in the bedroom, it'll be easy.
29:49Ah.
29:49You working tonight?
29:58Yeah.
30:00Well, shall I come down to see you?
30:01Yeah.
30:03Do you want to go home?
30:05No, I can't go back to my pad.
30:06The boys are going to be all over the place.
30:08Let's go to mine, then.
30:09You two, all right?
30:11Um, well, I'll have another one.
30:13Yeah, Nance?
30:14Oh, no, thanks, not me.
30:15Don't eat it.
30:17Don't.
30:19Well, you look nice and jolly.
30:21I had a bereavement in the family, haven't I?
30:23Oh.
30:24Our old Tom, he got run over.
30:26Tom?
30:27The cab.
30:28Oh.
30:29You looked fond of it, were you?
30:31I couldn't stand a bleeding thing.
30:35Oh.
30:40Well, I'm afraid I don't understand, Mrs. Chambers.
30:42You say that Mr. Wiseman never told you where your husband was.
30:45No, he didn't, and I can see why.
30:47And that Mr. Daly, the man who accompanied me to the airport, is in no way a relation.
30:53Don't you think I would know if he was?
30:55Well, yes, yes, of course, but it does all seem to me to be just a little odd.
31:01Odd is hardly adequate term to describe the fact that my late husband has been parked in a garage, Mr. Meadhurst.
31:08Oh, well, I can assure you, Mrs. Chambers, I naturally assumed...
31:11Yes, yes, I know it isn't your fault.
31:13But if there's something funny going on, I would like to know about it.
31:17Funny?
31:17Anyway, it could affect the insurance policy.
31:29Here we go. Spare. Absolutely spare.
31:31There you go, Walt.
31:32That should do it for the minute.
31:34Oh, my good God.
31:35Eh? What's the matter?
31:37Put it to name, plate.
31:38It's the wrong way up.
31:40So what?
31:41So what? You've got your...
31:43He's upside down.
31:45Well, I don't suppose the blood will rush to his head.
31:48Monty, I have to tell you, I am beginning to think your interest in your dear friend is less than sentimental.
31:54Oh, to me, Monty Wiseman.
31:56How could you think such a thing?
31:57And I don't think you've been absolutely straight with me.
32:02Really?
32:02Well, not lies, actually, but, you know, little bits of omission.
32:09Randolph and me, we have to go somewhere to collect someone.
32:12Now, you'd better be here when we come back.
32:14We wouldn't want Randolph to have to spend time looking for you, and that would be our offer.
32:19Schmeitz.
32:20Here you go.
32:44Hold it. Can I come?
32:45Hold it.
32:45Hold it.
33:10Terry, I've got to explain everything.
33:22I think you've bleeped better.
33:27Now that's it, Arthur. This is well over the top. You've taken a right liberty.
33:31Terry, I keep telling you I had no choice.
33:33I want this out of here and I want it out now.
33:34You know what Monty Wiseman's like.
33:36He's going to know what I'm like.
33:37But he can be very persuasive.
33:39So can I, Arthur.
33:40Yeah, but you're forgetting Randolph. It can be even more persuasive.
33:42I can be downright insistent.
33:44Oh, calm down, Terry. It's not all that bad.
33:47Not all that... Do you believe him?
33:50He puts a dead body in my bedroom and he says it's not all that bad.
33:53Well, I agree. It's not a situation one finds desirable.
33:56It's bleeding obscene.
33:57Please, Terry, that is not nice. Remember, we are all mortal.
34:02Well, if he had to be late to rest, the bedroom is as good a place as any.
34:05Now, don't you start.
34:07What? Anyway, I ain't been late to rest as he's standing up in my flat.
34:11Uh, I don't think so, Terry.
34:14You've even got him on his head.
34:16No, no, that wasn't me. That was Monty and Randolph done that.
34:19That bleeding Wiseman.
34:20I'd hardly call him wise.
34:22A little bit of levity, Terrence, just to try and get the situation into perspective.
34:25Ah. The situation, Arthur, is I don't want dead bodies as part of my fixtures and fittings.
34:31Look, Terry, I can understand you being a bit upset.
34:33Oh, but I am also upset.
34:35Oh?
34:35I have been witness to unexplainable phenomenon and have exposed the dark forces.
34:41I've had a very disturbing experience.
34:43Arthur, what are you talking about?
34:45The occult, Terry, the occult.
34:47Spirits in the nether regions. Things that they'll bump in the night.
34:50Or day, in this case.
34:52I'm sorry, mate. I ain't standing for that.
34:54What?
34:55Arthur, I know you.
34:56It's me, Terry, right?
34:58He's going to tell me some lunatic story and then expect me to think,
35:01oh, well, it's poor old Arthur. I'd better help.
35:03That has no bearing on the matter. It happened.
35:06I even passed out. I fell and hurt my head.
35:09Look, Phil.
35:10I'm not interested, Arthur.
35:11All right, all right. Have it your way.
35:13I was obviously wrong to expect a sympathetic hearing from someone I've always thought was a friend and a confidant.
35:18Don't you ever stop.
35:19All you're thinking about is the dough you're going to make out of this lark.
35:22I'm glad you brought that up because it did cross my mind and I dismissed it immediately.
35:26But as I say, I had no choice.
35:28And now that he's a fait accompli, I think it's only fair that you should have half the fee.
35:32Arthur?
35:33Well, you'd get it into that thick head of yours.
35:35Something is very dodgy here.
35:37Well, I did say to Monty I didn't think he was being entirely frank with me.
35:40Look, just think about it, eh?
35:42Why won't he let the coroner get his hands on his late friend, eh?
35:46What's there to hide?
35:48I mean, there might not even be a body in there.
35:51Could be full up with dope or something.
35:53And we could be in right stock if this all comes on top.
35:56Well, let's open it and find out.
35:57No, no, no, no. We mustn't open it. No, Terry. No.
36:00Uh, not wise, man.
36:02Pardon?
36:03Look, nobody's opening anything, right?
36:04I'm going to run you home, and then I'm going to sort out Monty and Rand off the Red Nose Ranger.
36:09And you are going to stay here in case I miss them.
36:11No, no, no. I'm not staying with Thingy. Not after what I've been through, Terry.
36:14It's like you said, innit?
36:15What?
36:16You've got no choice.
36:18Come on, Curly.
36:20Don't worry, Arthur. Just keep a stiff upper.
36:26She's American.
36:32You seem to know Mr. Daly and his assistant, Sergeant.
36:38Oh, yes. I know them, Mr. Meathurst.
36:41Meathurst.
36:42And Monty Wiseman.
36:44I do hope you don't mean in a professional sense, Sergeant.
36:47That's precisely what I do mean, Madam.
36:49I don't understand.
36:51What is going on?
36:52What has happened to my husband's body?
36:54I don't know, Madam.
36:56But I intend to find out.
36:58What do you think, Joyce?
37:00Well, with that little firm, it's got to be a bit iffy, Gov.
37:04But I wouldn't have thought Arthur and Terry were in the same league as where you spoke.
37:07Perhaps Arthur's getting ambitious.
37:09Sergeant!
37:10I'm sorry, Madam. Just thinking out loud.
37:13Tell me, you say your late husband worked for Monty Wiseman.
37:18Doing what, exactly?
37:19We never talked much about what he did.
37:22Some sort of travel career, as I understood it.
37:25Mr. Wiseman has a travel agency, you see.
37:28And that's not all.
37:30Sergeant, I demand that something be done about this.
37:33I couldn't agree more, Madam.
37:40Good morning, sir.
37:41Can I help?
37:42No, not yet, no.
37:43Terry, what can I do for you?
37:44Sit down, tell me the problem.
37:46Don't give me all that bullshit.
37:47I want that body, if that's what it is, removed from my flat and I want it done now.
37:50Er, no interlustions.
37:53If that's what it is.
37:54Now, er, Terry, what are you saying?
37:58What I'm saying is you're a lying, thieving bastard who takes liberties, only you ain't
38:01gonna take any with me.
38:02Now, look, Terry, you haven't made the mistake of tampering with that casket, have you?
38:06No, I haven't, no.
38:07But don't you make the mistake of thinking it's got anything to do with you or that pudding
38:10you keep on a leash.
38:11All right, all right.
38:12You've got the needle, I can understand that, but I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.
38:16Now, look, I'll tell Arthur to give you half the grand I'm bunging him.
38:20Grand?
38:21Well, I know it's generous to afford, but what the hell, a favour's a favour, right?
38:25Wrong.
38:26That is not staying at my gaff at any price.
38:28Now, don't be unreasonable, Terry.
38:30I mean, two hours, that's all, no longer.
38:32You don't even have to go back home.
38:34As soon as Randolph rings me, I'll schlep round there with him and soon after we'll all be away.
38:38I'll give you my word.
38:39It is not staying at my place for two minutes, let alone a couple of hours.
38:43Now, listen, you get it shifted or I'm going to bung it in the street and the old building
38:47sort it out.
38:48Terry, Terry, listen, what can I do?
38:50Randolph is making arrangements for somewhere now.
38:52As soon as he rings, I promise you.
38:55Well, it better be before I get home.
38:57Already.
39:02Darling, don't parade around.
39:03Get on that phone and get me some wheels.
39:07Ah!
39:09Don't, don't, don't, please don't.
39:12I'm, don't, don't.
39:13I'm perfectly all right.
39:17Incapable, I'm waiting.
39:18Please.
39:20My name is Mr. Sims.
39:24All right, all right.
39:25Mr. Sims.
39:27Shift your drunken arse, please!
39:28Come on, come on, you look lovely.
39:41And don't forget your toolbox.
39:43I'm not going to do it.
39:44What are you, some kind of nut as well as a lush?
39:49I'm sorry, Mr. Weissman.
39:50It's both immoral and illegal.
39:54Can you believe this schmuck?
39:57Listen, you won't even have to worry about slipping with the scalpel on this one.
40:01The man's dead already.
40:02I'm sorry.
40:04The answer has to be no.
40:06Oh, come on, get a hold of him.
40:14Terry, what you doing?
40:16I'm getting rigged.
40:16That's what I'm doing.
40:17And now you're here, you can give us a hand.
40:19Look, we're supposed to be minding this.
40:20Monty will go berserk.
40:21I don't give a monkey's what Monty will do.
40:23It's going!
40:23Terry, Terry!
40:24What are you going to do with it?
40:27I don't know.
40:29Dump it somewhere.
40:30Dump it?
40:31Terry, there's a human body in there.
40:33You know respect.
40:34They teach you nothing in school assembly.
40:36What's up, Arthur?
40:37You worrying about the grand that Monty promised you?
40:40That is not the point, Terry.
40:41It's a matter of human dignity.
40:43This is sacrilegious.
40:44And what will he think?
40:45Have you thought about that?
40:47Look, just get the other end up.
40:49Otherwise I'll drag it out by myself.
40:51Get the other end.
40:52Come on.
40:53Careful.
40:53You're making a big mistake, Terry.
40:56You're not thinking.
40:57I mean, if anything goes wrong, it's all legal and proper, isn't it?
41:02I mean, we're in the clear, but if it goes missing and the old girl gets involved, we'll be in right trouble.
41:08Look, just move it, will you?
41:09Turn around it for easier.
41:11Wait, wait, wait.
41:12Hang on.
41:12Come on.
41:12Come on.
41:13Where have I been in?
41:15Oh, God!
41:20Terry, you've gone and done it again.
41:22You wait here.
41:39So, what is this desecration?
41:41This was not my idea, Monty.
41:42Tell him, Terry.
41:43Tell him.
41:43I'll have your legs for this, Arthur.
41:45You're going to have to have mine as well, then.
41:48Randolph, Arthur, take this back inside.
41:51Hold on, hold on.
41:52If you'll pardon the expression, gents.
41:53Over my dead body.
41:56Monty.
41:57Stop, stop.
42:03Leave it to me.
42:05That is a comfort.
42:10Chism.
42:12What the hell's going on here?
42:14Mrs. Chambers, I assure you...
42:15Are you responsible for this?
42:17Good gracious me, no.
42:18It was him, you see.
42:19You bastard!
42:20You bastard, I want you arrested, aren't you?
42:23She's mad.
42:25You're mad.
42:26I'll have you arrested.
42:27I'll sue you.
42:28Chism, I'll be having a blast.
42:29Shut up, you nutter.
42:30Chambers, calm down.
42:31We'll start it up.
42:31You're responsible.
42:32I'll sue you as well.
42:33Get her in the car.
42:34Come on.
42:35Bastards.
42:35I want these animals arrested, Sergeant.
42:37It'll be my pleasure, madam.
42:39Just go and sit in the car and let me handle it.
42:42An unhappy accident, Mr. Chism.
42:44I just came to collect my poor departed friend there.
42:46Can it, Monty.
42:47Well, I don't know what the wording on the charge sheet will read.
42:54Body snatching, more or less, went out with Birken hair.
42:58But I should think conspiracy will do, for starters.
43:02Now, don't be hasty, Mr. Chism.
43:03This has got nothing to do with me.
43:04Not all me.
43:05No, we will just do him, Mr. Wiseman, here, a favour.
43:08That's right.
43:08You?
43:09A favour?
43:10Well, a service, then.
43:11Mere paid hirelings.
43:13It was simply a question of storage till Mr. Wiseman could make funeral arrangements.
43:17At least that's what he told us.
43:19Mr. Meadhurst here can confirm my role in his unhappy affair.
43:23Please.
43:25Well, yes, yes, yes, I suppose so.
43:28I did phone Mr. Wiseman a few hours ago with the coroner's decision.
43:32That is correct.
43:33That is correct.
43:34So I came over as soon as I could to inform Mr. Daly.
43:37And what do I find?
43:38My friend, cast on the steps like so much garbage, a tragedy.
43:43God knows what they were up to.
43:44God knows what we were up to.
43:45Now, come off it.
43:46You know very well what we're doing.
43:47Well, well, incapable.
44:02Now, what would Monty be wanting with you?
44:04I have been held in custody for over 24 hours in a cell.
44:17That is an affront to human dignity.
44:19Not to add the citizen's inalienable right to adequate toilet facilities.
44:23I shall be getting in touch with my MP.
44:25It's a clear case of police brutality.
44:27Not the mention of...
44:27Will you turn it in?
44:28It's your bleeding fault.
44:30Oh, God, what's her indoors going to say?
44:32Tell her you had a bad case of coughing.
44:33Oh, Terry, this is no time for uncouth levity.
44:36Well, Arthur, you managed to sort out a few facts, thanks to incapable.
44:41Incapable?
44:43The geezer in Monty's car.
44:45Oh, I'd like to say neither Terry nor me never met him.
44:47I know, Arthur.
44:48Must be your lucky day.
44:50Ah, does that mean we can go, then?
44:51Do you know why incapable is called incapable?
44:54Well, no, how could we?
44:56Oh, that's right.
44:57How could you?
44:58Anyway, you used to be a surgeon.
45:01One day, he went into the operating theatre, a bit pissed, and his scalpel slipped, and a patient died.
45:08So he lost his job and took to the source.
45:11Oh, this is interesting, isn't it, Arthur?
45:12So Monty got hold of incapable to perform an operation on his so-called mate Chambers,
45:23who was acting as a courier in stolen diamonds for the bulk, Monty,
45:29and used the novel idea of smuggling them inside his stomach.
45:35He swallowed them and waited for nature to take its course.
45:41Could I have a drink of water, please?
45:45Anyway, the geezer had a heart attack, and Monty wanted his stones back.
45:48It's really strange.
45:50So how did you and I get out of it?
45:52There was no evidence.
45:53They did an autopsy on Chambers, but didn't find anything.
45:56Yeah.
45:57Even White hasn't got off.
46:08What do you mean, we've got to go to the funeral?
46:10It's just a formality, Terry, a mark of respect, that's all.
46:15Anyway, Monty insists.
46:17Oh, it does, does he?
46:18Well, what he said was, either we go or I don't get paid.
46:21Amounts to the same thing.
46:23Just finish off the job, that's all.
46:26Finish off the job?
46:27No, no, no, not finish off the job.
46:29That's all done and over, but tidy up the loose ends.
46:33What loose ends?
46:34Now, look, I don't understand it either, Terry.
46:36The point is, Monty owes me, us, for all the aggro,
46:40and I intend to see that you get it.
46:48I am the resurrection and the life, saith the Lord.
47:06He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.
47:10And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.
47:15We brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.
47:20Oh, let thine ears consider well the voice of my complaint.
47:23Lord, who shall dwell in thy tabernacle?
47:27Even he that leadeth an uncorrupt life, and doeth the thing which is right.
47:31I go to prepare a place for you.
47:33And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again.
47:37I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
47:42We commend into thy hands of mercy, most merciful Father,
47:45the soul of this our brother departed.
47:47And we commit his body to be consumed.
47:51And we beseech thy infinite goodness to give us grace to live in thy fear and love,
47:56and to die in thy favor.
47:58That when thy judgment shall come, which thou hast committed to thy well-beloved son,
48:03both this our brother and we may be found acceptable in thy sight.
48:07Grant this, O merciful Father, for the sake of Jesus Christ,
48:10our only Savior, mediator, and advocate.
48:14Amen.
48:17Yeah, cop this, cop this.
48:25Let's go. Let's go.
48:27What is that, Monty?
48:28They must have missed them at the autopsy.
48:30They had to be there in the mortal remains.
48:33And diamonds are immune from fire, right?
48:36Well, let's go, Schweiz!
48:41If I didn't know better, I would have thought you were about to nick the ashes of the late Joe Chambers.
48:47Oh, leave off.
48:49No, no, we're mere employees, Mr. Chisholm.
48:55Me?
48:56You've got to be joking.
48:58We were just going to spread the ashes on the river.
49:00Well, that's down to the widow, Monty.
49:03I love Joe as well, you know.
49:05A nice guy.
49:08A nice guy, they said, Terry.
49:10A diamond, Mr. Chisholm.
49:15A diamond, Mr. Chisholm.
49:15A diamond, Mr. Chisholm.
49:23Oh, my God.
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