- 1 day ago
First broadcast 29th August 1973.
Jo is anxious to impress new boyfriend David and strong arms Robin into cooking a romantic meal for him.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Steve Patterson - David(as Steve Paterson)
Jo is anxious to impress new boyfriend David and strong arms Robin into cooking a romantic meal for him.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Steve Patterson - David(as Steve Paterson)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00Oh, my God.
01:30Oh, £150,000, and he's playing like Long John Silver.
01:35Football, is it?
01:36No, nothing like it. It's Southampton.
01:40Who are they playing against?
01:41Spurs, two linesmen, a referee, and I'm sure he's Bill Nickleton in disguise.
01:45A penalty rep, it must be! Yes!
01:48Watch this. Watch this. Watch the way...
01:51Chrissie, the plug!
01:55Oh, sorry.
01:57Anyway, you don't live in Southampton anymore. You should support a London club.
02:00Just because a man moves home doesn't mean to say he changes his religion.
02:03Now, come on!
02:04Come on!
02:05Oh!
02:06Oh, great!
02:07They don't move very fast, do they?
02:12That's a slow-motion replay.
02:13Oh.
02:15Oh, look! All the rest of his team are raping him.
02:17Look, Chrissie, Chrissie, will you please go out and talk to Jo, please?
02:20She's out with her boyfriend.
02:21There's a difference between natural enthusiasm and rape.
02:23That's probably what she's saying to him right now.
02:25Let go of it, let go of it.
02:27And that.
02:27He's got this splashy little sports car.
02:31The horn plays Colonel Bogie in stereo.
02:34Wow!
02:35No, that's not my taste, either.
02:39See that? Look, look, look!
02:40He's nearly pulling off his shorts.
02:42Oh! Will they do a slow-motion replay of that?
02:51They've just pulled up in his sports car.
02:54He's helping her out.
02:55Oh!
02:55Oh! She flashed a bit of leg there.
02:58Come away, you dirty little devil.
03:01I'm just showing her neighbourly interest.
03:04Oh, you're...
03:05Oh, hey.
03:06They're on the front doorstep now.
03:09She's turning to him.
03:11He's reaching out for her.
03:14He's shaking her hand.
03:17God, dear, but he's shaking her hand.
03:20Perhaps he's trying to find out if she's a mason.
03:22Come away!
03:25You'd think he'd have tried for a bit of a snog, wouldn't you?
03:30George.
03:32If you're that interested,
03:34I've just finished a chapter.
03:37What?
03:37Where Armina, the slave girl, is being oiled by the eunuchs in readiness.
03:48Fancy an early night?
03:50Well, I was...
03:53Yes, I was thinking we might have a sort of game of Monopoly.
03:58What do you think?
04:01Exactly.
04:02Well, what's he like?
04:08He's a gentleman.
04:10You don't often meet them these days,
04:11but David is a real gentleman.
04:14Oh, well, can't win them all.
04:15No.
04:16You know, he took me dancing.
04:18The real thing is seen on television.
04:19You mean Ethel is a bus driver
04:21and sewed all the sequence on by hand type dancing?
04:23Yeah.
04:23Jo, Jo, do you mind?
04:24Please, please.
04:25Oh, sorry.
04:26Then he brought me home.
04:29Shook my hand.
04:30What, before or after?
04:33No, instead of.
04:35You mean he didn't try to...
04:36No.
04:37Well, surely he must have put...
04:39What, not even a little bit of...
04:40No.
04:41He's bent.
04:42No.
04:43He's just shy, that's all.
04:45But the Colonel Bogey Melterhorn?
04:47Well, his mother bought him that for his birthday.
04:49Thought it might help to bring him out a bit.
04:51Jo, Jo, Jo, you know, you have a really delicious bottom
04:53and normally I can't think of anything else I'd rather look at,
04:55but do you mind, please?
04:56Oh, he's right.
04:58Are you sure he's just shy?
04:59Oh, yes.
05:01Just take some men a while to get going, that's all.
05:03Yeah, I went out with a chap like that once.
05:05The first time, nothing.
05:07The second time, nothing.
05:08The third time, it was like King Kong meets Godzilla.
05:13Perhaps it's me.
05:14Look, maybe I'm losing my sex appeal.
05:16Oh, come on.
05:18Is this the same girl who once turned down a date with Tom Jones?
05:20Well, actually, I lied about that.
05:22Well, I know, but it showed self-confidence.
05:25Yeah, but look, tell me honestly, am I sexy?
05:28Well, not to me, no, but then I'm not a fella.
05:30Go and ask him.
05:32Offside, ref.
05:33Miles offside.
05:34What's the matter with that?
05:35Come on, don't bother talking to your linesman.
05:38Ask your guide dog, you crazy.
05:39Stop it.
05:41What?
05:42Do you fancy me?
05:44What, not at the moment.
05:45We're two one down.
05:48Well, do you think I'm sexy?
05:50What?
05:51Do you think she's sexy?
05:52Huh?
05:53Sexy, me.
05:55I tell you, I lust after you.
05:57Every five of my being crazy or crazy,
05:59and I shut up, they're taking a corner.
06:01Typical.
06:02If you'd scored a goal, it'd be all over you.
06:04Well, that's it.
06:05Whatever it takes to turn a man on, I don't have it.
06:08What turns you on?
06:10Oi!
06:11Eh?
06:12Uh, uh, uh, uh, being, being ticked on the back of my ear.
06:16Like this?
06:16Yeah, that, yeah, that, yeah, yeah, that, yeah, that's it.
06:21Oh.
06:22See, different things work.
06:26Different things work for different people.
06:29That's the way you catch trout.
06:32Maybe it's got some trout blood in it.
06:35No, he's having you on, that's all.
06:38They've scored.
06:39He isn't, you know.
06:40Who's, who's what?
06:41Who's scored, what?
06:42Long John Silver.
06:43I told you it's good, I told you it's good.
06:45Now, come on, come on, we've got five minutes to go.
06:47We can win this game.
06:48I saw the final score in the paper.
06:49I don't want to know.
06:50All right, all right, I won't even tell you when the replay is.
06:52Good, because I...
06:53Thank you very much.
06:59Too off.
07:00Right, we've got his attention.
07:02Now, what about Joe's problem?
07:04Look, I don't know anything about boyfriends.
07:05I mean, I've, you know, I've never had one in my life before.
07:07Listen, I mean, what do you want him to do?
07:10Nothing.
07:11Yeah, but that's exactly what he's doing.
07:12Well, he could try, couldn't he?
07:13Yes, at least it was sure he was interested.
07:15Oh, I see.
07:16I mean, you know, would he, uh, would he succeed if he did?
07:19No, of course not.
07:20What's going on after football?
07:24That ought to help you are.
07:26Listen, why should I help you trap a poor, innocent young fellow, eh?
07:29He's a Spurs supporter.
07:30Right.
07:31Intimate dinner for two, right?
07:33Candlelight, low music, oh, he'll be carried away.
07:35The way she cooks, he probably will.
07:37Yes, that is true.
07:38On the other hand, you're an expert.
07:40Oh, no, come on, be fair, Chris.
07:41I could enough, you know, cooking at the technical college.
07:43Now, be fair.
07:44If I tell you something you don't know, will you do it?
07:47I am not interested.
07:47The score was 3-3 after extra time.
07:50I failed to see, well, that's for...
07:52What?
07:55An anchovy paste.
07:56You'll need some anchovy paste.
07:58Um, oh, yes.
08:00Oh.
08:01Come on.
08:03Used by March the 1st, 1972.
08:06I'll put it on the list.
08:08Look, it's no good.
08:09I can't cook this far on muck.
08:11There's only one thing I can cook.
08:13It just doesn't go.
08:14Candlelight, wine and Marmite soldiers.
08:17Well, couldn't we ask Robin again?
08:29Well, just a minute.
08:34Look, we've got to get that lock fixed, you know.
08:36It's all right.
08:36I'm not after you, rubber duck.
08:38Now, David is coming for dinner tonight.
08:41Listen, I'm not cooking for your boyfriends.
08:44Come on, there'd be no end to it.
08:45You're mean, and your suds are getting a bit thin, just there.
08:50You think you've got me at a psychological disadvantage, don't you?
08:53Yes.
08:53Listen, I could get you out of this bathroom just by standing up, just like that.
08:57Bluff.
08:57Yes.
09:03Sorry, could you pass me that, oh, can you pass me that loofah, please?
09:09Or, to put it another way, how do you like the smell of this perfume?
09:15It's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit powerful.
09:17If I tip this in your bath water, you'd smell of roses and jasmine for weeks.
09:22I see.
09:23Now, you're bluffing, aren't you, eh?
09:24Well, waste it.
09:25See if I care.
09:26I don't care if I smell of roses.
09:27Oh, I'll have it!
09:28No, mate!
09:29Now, come on, that's me, that's blackmail.
09:31Oh, what a sneaky idea.
09:33Well done.
09:33Now, come on, girls, let's be civilised.
09:35I'll tell you what I do.
09:35Now, I'll tell you what I do.
09:36Look, look, you know, I'll give you a couple of tips, right?
09:39And then you can say that you...
09:40Oh, I'll cook it!
09:41I'll cook it!
09:42Oh, isn't that nice?
09:44But under protest.
09:47Now, what shall I get you from the shops?
09:50Oh, hello, Mrs. Rope.
09:52Hello, dear.
09:53You wanted to borrow some wine glasses?
09:54Oh, Joe did, yes.
09:55Well, you don't get the bouquet in a jam jar, do you?
09:58And I thought I might bring some cutlery up, you know, seeing it's a special occasion.
10:01Oh, that's nice.
10:03Yeah, I won it, a bingo.
10:05All in all, it only cost me 400 quid.
10:08Hey, do you know what's up at the Osoldo tonight?
10:11Oh, yes.
10:12Oh, hang on, what was it?
10:14Oh, yeah, I remember.
10:15It's a sensitive story of the dawning relationship between a young girl and a simple farm lad.
10:24And how they keep having it away.
10:26I don't think I'll bother.
10:27Oh, damn, and if you're at a loose end, why don't you pop down and have a drink with us?
10:31It'd be nice to see a human being for a change.
10:33Oh, honest, I'm so fussy.
10:35How can you tell if wine vinegar is a good year?
10:37Look, why don't you be robbing and all?
10:43I mean, tell him it's nothing special, just come as you are.
10:45Oh, we start naked in the bath.
10:47Oh, well, we'll be an informal evening.
10:51Hang on, I'll ask him.
10:52All right.
10:52Hey, have you got anything on tonight?
10:58Oh, just a minute.
10:59Oh, no.
11:01Oh, no.
11:01Oh, no.
11:02Oh, come on out.
11:04Get off.
11:04Get off.
11:05Oh, no.
11:07Oh, no.
11:40There we are, that's coming along lovely. Roast pork peregodine, my speciality.
11:45Oh, what a lovely smell.
11:46Thank you very much.
11:47Roses and jasmine.
11:50Shut up, will you? Just remember that you're taking the credit for this meal.
11:53Only if he likes it. Do you think there's enough?
11:55What is he, a gourmet or a gannet?
11:58You have put the wine in the fridge, I suppose?
12:00Yes.
12:00Take it out, it's red.
12:03How's it going?
12:04Oh, fine, if you like Beau's rum a stick.
12:06She knows absolutely nothing about gastronomy.
12:08Oh, yes, I do. I'm a Capricorn.
12:11What?
12:12Don't try and work it out, she's just over-excited.
12:16Look, I know, I know. I've had three bars of red to try and get rid of the smell.
12:19My toenails have gone soft.
12:20I did offer to help.
12:21I don't want to be rubbed down by a pan scrubber, thank you.
12:24Well, pretend it's aftershave.
12:25Yeah, lots of them wear aftershave like that. They have special pubs for them.
12:28Right. That's it. Out, out, out.
12:30I can't cook in front of head clothes. Go on.
12:32Well, I've been sorting through the records.
12:35A don of a Burt Baccarat to get him in the mood.
12:37Michel Legrand to take it a stage further.
12:39Oh, and in case he looks like getting too carried away, the Foden's Motorworks brass band.
12:45Look, do you think the light should be a bit lower?
12:47No! Let the dog see the rabbit.
12:49Now, look, this is just a cosy dinner for two, you know.
12:51I'm not on the menu for afters.
12:53Of course not.
12:54Hey, do you want to buy my perfume?
12:55I don't have to. I've been standing next to him.
12:57Right. Now, listen.
12:58The roast pork will be ready to serve in about 20 minutes, right?
13:01And with it, you'll be having baby Hungarian maras and palmitre de hotel.
13:05No chips?
13:06You don't deserve it. You really don't deserve it.
13:08Come on, over here in a minute.
13:10Don't forget to tell him that the patty's homemade, right?
13:13It's not shop-board, right?
13:14Right.
13:14Oh, and the cream, it's fresh.
13:16It's not out of a packet, it's fresh.
13:17Yeah, and we made the tables and chairs ourselves.
13:19Now, come on.
13:24I'd rather have gone to the pictures.
13:26Still, you know, I suppose, you know, the ropers, they get a bit lonely
13:29and it's only sort of neighbourly that we should give them a little bit of young company.
13:33Yeah, you mean we owe them a month's rent?
13:34Yes, that's what I mean.
13:36Listen, listen, what are we going to talk to him about?
13:37I mean, has he got any hobbies?
13:39Oh, yes, he's the foremost authority in this country on cocoa tin labels.
13:42Collect them.
13:43I think I prefer to go to the pictures.
13:44Hello, dears.
13:47How lovely to see you.
13:49Come on in.
13:50There we are.
13:51You know, George, of course.
13:53Hello, Rosie.
13:54And Robin.
13:55Here, look, sit down.
13:56I've got to pop out to the kitchen and get us all a nice glass of sherry.
14:01Oh, here you go.
14:03Oh, here you go.
14:16Sorry.
14:21Oh.
14:22Oh.
14:24Oh.
14:25Oh.
14:25Oh.
14:26Oh.
14:27Oh.
14:28Oh.
14:28Oh.
14:29Oh.
14:30Oh.
14:30Oh.
14:30Oh.
14:31Well, well, you know, I must say, you've got a very nice, uh, got a very nice, oh, got
14:52a very nice fudgy. Does he talk? No. We used to have a goldfish. Didn't the water keep coming
15:09through the bars? No. We kept him in a bowl.
15:22He didn't talk much either. Oh, um, yeah, I, I believe you, you collect Kirkpatine labels,
15:42then. No. Why? Do you? No, no, no, I don't. Not a lot of people do. No.
15:58There we are.
16:20Mr. Rope will be keeping you entertained, has he?
16:32Oh, yes. Has he told you his joke yet?
16:35No. No? Yes, I am.
16:38It's the one about the goldfish not talking very much.
16:41Oh, I see. Very good, that one.
16:45Yeah, I see. She's wearing a very powerful scent, isn't she, that one?
16:55There is an explanation, Mr. Rope, I see.
16:58Yes, I'm sure. Anybody fancy a game of Monopoly?
17:15Hello, David. Come in. Thank you.
17:22Have the lights fused?
17:34There we are, and that's 150,000 francs each.
17:37I've never seen a French Monopoly set before.
17:39Oh, we bought it on our honeymoon.
17:41It was something to help pass the time.
17:47As far as I can recall, you never pass go the entire fortnight.
17:53I'll start first, cos it's my game.
17:58Right, you start from there, see, where it says depart.
18:01Depart. That's French for depart.
18:05Or go.
18:07Two. One, two. Here, I'll buy it, I'll buy it.
18:10No, no, actually, you can't buy the community chest.
18:13Oh, he can, dear.
18:15He's built hotels on it before now.
18:19Take a card.
18:20Yes.
18:25Ali's in prison.
18:27Avances to throw it in prison.
18:30Pases, pas par la case. Depart.
18:33Near reservoirs, pas 20,000 francs.
18:37Here!
18:38I won second prize in a beauty contest.
18:41Actually, you go to jail.
18:44No, I knew it was one or the other.
18:46Six.
18:47Whereabouts did you go for your honeymoon?
18:48Would you believe Dunkirk?
18:52He's been on the retreat ever since.
18:54Give me your glasses, dear.
18:55That's it.
18:57She's got a big mouth, she has.
18:59You could get both hands in there and still have room to wind wall.
19:06Oh, hey!
19:07Oh, double six.
19:08I'm out of prison.
19:09There, you're getting the luck.
19:1110, 11, 12.
19:12Chance.
19:15Ali's in prison.
19:16Hey, Kristen, how do you think they're getting on upstairs?
19:20Oh, it's a thin ceiling.
19:21We'll hear if there's two pinfalls or a submission.
19:24Oh!
19:25Avenue de la République.
19:26I'll buy that.
19:27Is he nice, this young man?
19:28Oh, you've seen him.
19:29What?
19:30David.
19:31What's his name?
19:32Who?
19:33His father owns a drapery shop in the high road.
19:34What?
19:35Yeah.
19:36Oh.
19:37Blumsteins.
19:38You mean he's, uh, he's Jewish?
19:40Yeah.
19:43Ham and bacon patty.
19:45Ham and bacon?
19:47Yes, it's homemade, not shop bought.
19:49The wine.
19:50Oh, the wine.
19:51Do you like burnt comfort?
19:52I don't know.
19:53I've never drunk it.
19:54Oh.
19:55Actually, I wasn't talking about the wine.
19:58It's...
19:59Oh, you've finished already.
20:00Oh, very nice.
20:01Can I pour the wine for you?
20:02Oh, thank you.
20:03It's a good job the main course is ready.
20:04I hope you like roast pork.
20:05Roast pork?
20:06Yes, there's plenty more in the oven.
20:07I don't know.
20:08I don't know.
20:09I don't know.
20:10I don't know.
20:11I don't know.
20:12I've never drunk it.
20:13Oh.
20:14Actually, I wasn't talking about the wine.
20:15It's...
20:16Oh, you've finished already.
20:17Oh, very nice.
20:18Can I pour the wine for you?
20:20Oh, thank you.
20:21It's a good job the main course is ready.
20:26I hope you like roast pork.
20:29Roast pork?
20:30Yes, there's plenty more in the oven.
20:35Oh.
20:37Help yourself to veg.
20:38Excuse me.
20:42Oy vey.
20:48Roast pork and he's Jewish.
20:50It could have been worse.
20:51You could have given him pig strotters and custard for afters.
20:53Shut up.
20:54Hello, hello, hello, Joe.
20:55It's Robin.
20:56Listen, how's the meal going?
20:57Rapidly.
20:58What?
20:59You mean he's eating it?
21:00Yes.
21:01Why?
21:02What's wrong with it?
21:03No, no, no, that's all right.
21:04If he's eating it, that's all right.
21:05How's the rest of it going?
21:06Has he made a pass at you yet?
21:07No, he hasn't.
21:08If you like, I'll leave the phone off the hook and shout a running commentary.
21:15Sorry, that was my flatmate.
21:17Fair enough.
21:18Fair enough.
21:23Seven.
21:24One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
21:26Ah, Champs Elysees with hotel.
21:28That'll cost you 150,000 francs.
21:30I'll have to borrow the money from the bank, love.
21:33George, I've already advanced you 500,000 francs on your get out of jail free card.
21:39I see.
21:40This is a point where he usually knocks the board over.
21:44Well, it's mostly luck involved in this game.
21:47No, I disagree.
21:48No, I think there's a lot of skill involved.
21:49In fact, quite a lot, quite a lot of, well, luck too.
21:53Well, mainly luck really.
21:56Stupid foreign game.
21:57No, we haven't finished playing yet.
21:58I think we have.
21:59Oh.
22:00Would you like another drink?
22:01No, we must be going now.
22:02Well, it's only half past nine.
22:03Oh, as late as that.
22:05Oh.
22:06Listen, thank you very much, girl, for a lovely evening.
22:09Happy to have you.
22:10And, er, I'm sorry I fell asleep a little earlier, all right?
22:14Oh, you're quite welcome to stay and watch them sulk, if you like.
22:18No, that's very kind of you, but thank you very much.
22:20Well, we must do this again sometime.
22:21Why?
22:23Not.
22:26Why not? We must.
22:27Yes.
22:28Good night, Mr Roper.
22:29Night.
22:30Good night.
22:31Good night.
22:32Ooh.
22:33I've never had so much fun since I had the mumps.
22:36He cheated, you know.
22:37Listen, how can you cheat at Monopoly?
22:38He had a railway station up his sleeve.
22:40Hey, do you think we'll be interrupting anything?
22:42No, we'll make a bit of noise before we go in.
22:48Cough, cough.
22:49Hello.
22:51You can stop being tactful because he's gone.
22:53Oh.
22:54Well.
22:55Well what?
22:57Oh.
22:58The bulb's gone.
22:59How did it go?
23:00Did you have a wrestling match?
23:01Yes.
23:02And?
23:03He got away.
23:04Excuse me, please.
23:05Excuse me.
23:07Did he whisper sweet nothings?
23:08Oh, I don't know.
23:09I couldn't hear for his stomach rumbling.
23:11Yeah.
23:12I think I, I think I know why.
23:18Bacon and ham patty.
23:24Roast pork potato.
23:25What?
23:26I don't know.
23:28What the fuck?
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