- 8 hours ago
the reappearance of Maggie Monohan (played by Jean Willes), McHale's resourceful, gambling, saloon-owning friend, who sets up shop in New Caledonia, forcing Captain Binghamton to deal with her illicit business and try to shut it down, much to McHale's amusement and Binghamton's constant frustration.
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00Captain Packer!
00:15What's up, man? I was very busy here.
00:18Busy?
00:19I'm sorry, sir.
00:21But, sir, look, your uniform just got back from the cleaners.
00:23Look, sir, it's as good as new.
00:24It's about time.
00:26For heaven's sakes, don't you ever, ever open a bottle of ink in front of an electric fan again.
00:37What are you staring at? Is there something the matter with my legs?
00:40Oh, no, sir. No, sir. They're fine.
00:41As a matter of fact, sir, they're very shapely.
00:43And, sir, look, you've got the cutest dimple on your right knee.
00:46Right there.
00:47Oh, shut up.
00:51Excuse me.
00:53Captain Binghamsen's office.
00:54Oh, yes, Admiral Slocum. The captain's right here.
00:57Oh, yes, sir. He's just putting on his...
00:58I'll take that.
01:01Here, sir.
01:03Hello, Admiral. Good to hear from you.
01:06Binghamton, I've got a top priority mission for you.
01:09So drop everything.
01:12Drop everything? You wouldn't want me to do that, Admiral.
01:15What the devil are you talking about?
01:17No, about the top priority mission, Admiral.
01:19Well, I hate to say this, but Maggie Monaghan is operating in your area again.
01:23She just opened up a tea room in New Caledonia.
01:26Maggie Monaghan with a tea room?
01:29Well, that's impossible.
01:31Now, I don't care how you do it, but I want her place shut down once and for all.
01:36Yes, sir. Once and for all.
01:38And if any Navy personnel are found on the premises, I want you to throw the book at them.
01:42You can count on me, Admiral.
01:44Bye-bye.
01:45Rattling.
01:48You always have to pick on me.
01:50You can't get one of his flunkies and pull them off in the front lines.
01:55Carpenter, shut the door. There's a draft in here.
01:57Sir, that's not where it's coming from.
01:59I don't care where it's coming from.
02:00I know where it's going.
02:04I'm sure that it's a mistake, sir.
02:05McHale's men would never do that purposely.
02:07They'd never...
02:08McHale!
02:08You don't mean to tell me you shut my pants down.
02:11Sir, you know that they have the fastest laundry service on the base, so I'll...
02:14No, no, no.
02:14The fastest laundry...
02:15Those men would sabotage me in the pants, in the back, any place.
02:19They could do it.
02:20But this is going too far.
02:22I'm going to ship them so far north that they...
02:25Wait a minute.
02:27I don't have to ship them north.
02:29All I have to do is ship them to New Caledonia.
02:32But, sir, you just turned down Commander McHale's request for a leave to New Caledonia.
02:35Yes, well, I'm going to turn it up again.
02:37It just so happens that Maggie Monahan is an old friend of McHale's.
02:41And any friend of Maggie's is a friend of mine.
02:44Right up until the last minute before we raid her joint.
02:48Oh, yes, sir.
02:48Absolutely.
02:49Oh, sir, you have really mastered the art of treachery this time.
02:53Yes, thank you, Elroy.
02:53Now get out of my way.
02:55Yes, sir.
02:55I've got to get over to McHale's Island and get the ball rolling.
02:58Sir, your pants.
02:59I'd better go get you another pair.
03:00Oh, no, no, no.
03:01Don't bother about that.
03:02I've got another pair.
03:03Oh, really?
03:03So where?
03:04I'll go get them.
03:04No, no.
03:04You've got them.
03:05I've got them.
03:06Oh, sure.
03:06My pants.
03:07Oh, sir.
03:09Sir, anything.
03:10Sir, anything.
03:26Oh, sir.
03:27Oh, sir.
03:32There, there, there.
03:32THE END
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07:10HOW ABOUT THAT
07:11SKIPPER
07:11THE CAPTAIN
07:11ISN'T A BIG
07:13ORIG сбrr
07:14LIKE
07:14I LOVE HIM
07:16Love. Well, then, start packing. I'll see you main side in about an hour.
07:21That's it, guys. Three cheers for the captain.
07:23Hip, hip, hooray!
07:28All right, Captain. All right.
07:29No, no, no. Don't apologize, sir. Don't apologize.
07:32Just don't apologize. I mean, it's my fault.
07:34I'm always getting in your way.
07:36I love you. I love you.
07:38I love you.
07:46Well, here we are.
07:59Huh? It's fun time. Forget the war.
08:01Let your hair down. Enjoy yourself.
08:04McHale, why can't you ever believe me?
08:07Don't you realize we're shipmates? We're buddies?
08:10This is the new me.
08:12I beg your pardon, sir. I like the old you better.
08:15At least we knew where we stood, sir.
08:17We've got to forget the past.
08:19And we forget rank. While we're here, we're all just happy-go-lucky, carefree sailors.
08:24Well, I guess he means it, Skip. Right, Wally?
08:26That a boy, Biggie?
08:27That's Bobby.
08:29Good old lip bottle.
08:31That's more like it, boys.
08:33Well, boys, let's go. We don't want to be late for our little supply meeting.
08:37Tommy, excuse me.
08:38Here you are, Wally.
08:41Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let's not overdo it.
08:44Lieutenant Marsh.
08:49Bye-bye, Captain.
08:50I still wish I knew what he's up to.
08:54Skip, you can't look a gift captain in the mouth.
08:56Yeah, you heard the man, Skip. It's fun time.
08:58It's fun time to join.
09:00Yoo-hoo. McHale.
09:02Quentin.
09:04Oh, no.
09:05Maggie Monaghan.
09:06Yoo-hoo.
09:07Down, boy. Down.
09:09Hey, McHale, you little sea dog, you.
09:12How are you, fellas?
09:13Hi, how are you?
09:14Well, McHale, what happened to your manners? Aren't you going to help a lady down?
09:20Ooh, what big, strong arms you've got, Grandpa.
09:23All right, come on. Cut it out, will you? Look, control yourself, will you? It's only me.
09:29Come on, Skip.
09:30Yeah, the honor of the Navy's at stake.
09:32Ah, get off, you white balls.
09:34Hey, listen. I thought they shipped you back to Australia.
09:36Oh, honey, that's a long and very dull story.
09:39Oh, and by the way, the smallest thing I've got is a thousand-franc note.
09:42Would you be in love and take care of the cab?
09:45Same as ever, huh?
09:47Here, shove off.
09:49Here, watch yourself, watch yourself.
09:51Say, would you mind telling me one thing?
09:53How did you know I was coming in?
09:55Well, you don't have to be coy with me, sugar. I got your wire.
09:58What wire?
10:01Right here.
10:06Well, I never sent this.
10:08Well, you must have skipped. See, it's signed Quint Baby.
10:10Yeah, you're the only Quint Baby I know.
10:12No, no, no, look, Maggie, I don't know about any...
10:15Oh, why don't we discuss it over some nice liquid refreshment?
10:17I've got a new little place here in town.
10:19It's different, but it's cute.
10:20Come on, and the first round's on me.
10:22Boy.
10:30Maggie's tea room?
10:31I don't believe it.
10:32Hey, Skip, she wasn't kidding.
10:34I'm gonna hand it to you, Maggie. It does look different.
10:36I told you, Quint Baby.
10:40Now, second thought, this must be the place.
10:50What?
10:50Oh, wow. This is what I call my cup of tea.
10:53Let's go, man. This looks like a swinging joint.
10:56You said it, Tink.
10:59You mean to tell me there are no off-limit signs on this place?
11:05Sugar, why would the Navy put a nice, respectable tea room off-limits?
11:10Come on, I'll show you around.
11:16What is the matter, monsieur? You do not like what you see?
11:19Oh, no, no. I was just wondering who you see to get a cup of tea.
11:23Ah, one cup of tea, please.
11:24You are shooting.
11:42I hate to say anything, but you left the bag in a little too long.
11:47That's good, though.
11:48That's the way I like to work.
11:54That's the way I like to work.
11:56Bonjour, monsieur.
11:58Bonjour.
11:58Place your bets.
12:02Mad money.
12:04There you go, Frenchie.
12:05The whole bundle on 21.
12:10I, uh, always bet my age.
12:12Well, this is my command post.
12:16Talk it, honey.
12:16You've just found yourself a home away from home.
12:19I gotta hand it to you, Maggie.
12:20Hey, you still haven't lost your touch.
12:22Oh, well, thank you.
12:23And you haven't lost your touch either, I hope.
12:26All right, all right.
12:27Now cut out the malarkey, will you?
12:29Oh, don't play so hard to get.
12:31You didn't send me that telegram just for laughs, now.
12:33I didn't send you that telegram, period.
12:35And you want to know something?
12:36That's what's bothering me.
12:37Oh, I was hoping it was me.
12:39Oh, come on.
12:40Lay off, Maggie.
12:41Now look level with me, huh?
12:43How did you send that fake wire?
12:44And how did you know you were coming in?
12:46Sugar, I want to play games, but not 20 questions.
12:49Oh, come on, will you, Maggie?
12:51All I want to know is what's going on around here.
12:53Well, my gosh, you've been in combat longer than I thought.
12:56I'm going to have to have a long talk with that commanding officer.
12:58Oh, Maggie, I wish it.
13:04Binghamton.
13:06Binghamton.
13:07I'll bet he's the one that sent that telegram.
13:09Quint, what are you talking about?
13:10Our commanding officer.
13:12Yes, sir.
13:13Oh, boy, we walked right into his little trap.
13:17Oh, that's why he got so palsy-wellsy.
13:20You want to know something?
13:22This joint has got to be off limits.
13:24Oh, boy, what a sucker I am.
13:26Now, just a minute, Quint.
13:28Calling my place a joint is bad enough.
13:31But why all this panic?
13:32Because I know Binghamton better than you know Binghamton.
13:35Yeah, and you want to know something?
13:36I'll lay you odds right now.
13:38That that paddy wagon is backing right up to the front door.
13:41See you later.
13:42Come on, little ball.
13:43Number seven.
13:44You think you should have bet the whole roll group?
13:46It's the group of systems.
13:47Seven can't lose.
13:48And the winning number is...
13:49Double zero.
13:52Now, wait a minute, Frenchie.
13:53Hold on.
13:54That blow bounced two feet in the air.
13:55That'll be a fake.
13:56That's right.
13:56That's right.
13:56That's right.
13:57That's right.
13:57That's right.
13:57That's right.
13:57That's right.
13:58That's right.
13:58That's right.
13:58What are you talking about?
14:00That's right.
14:00That's right.
14:00That's right.
14:01That ball goes.
14:02That's right.
14:02I don't hear it now.
14:03Hold it.
14:03Hold it.
14:04Hold it, you guys.
14:04Come on.
14:04Let's get out of here.
14:05Start running.
14:06But, Skip, this guy picked me for all the loot.
14:07This wheel is rigged.
14:08Oh, come on now, matey.
14:09Don't be a sore loser.
14:10Where's the door?
14:12Chuck, come on.
14:12Let's get out of here.
14:13Oh, I hate to say anything, Skip, but the tea kettle is boiling.
14:15Come on.
14:17Boys, let's go.
14:19Mr. Moore, out the back door.
14:21Oh, it's the SP.
14:23I don't know what I mean, everybody.
14:25This is a raid.
14:26All the United States military personnel are under arrest.
14:30Well, McKay.
14:33Fancy meeting you here.
14:35Yeah, fancy that, Captain.
14:37Don't pull.
14:37Don't pull.
14:38I'm coming.
14:38I'm coming.
14:39Well, Seaman Gruber, how nice.
14:43That makes a complete set.
14:44Welcome to the raid.
14:46Where were you five minutes ago when I still have money?
14:49Oh, just a minute, Captain.
14:50You can't come busting in here like that.
14:52My place isn't off limits.
14:54That's right, Captain, like she said.
14:55You were both saying?
14:59Captain, it's a frame-up.
15:00And I knew it looks good.
15:02You're dirty, no good, miserable.
15:05Hey, you show me anywhere in the regulations
15:07where it says anything is against having a tea party.
15:12Oh, this is beautiful, Elroy.
15:14We've caught them in an off-limits place.
15:17Drunk, gambling, resisting arrest.
15:19Oh, good old.
15:20Yes.
15:20So it makes life worth living.
15:22Yeah, well, go ahead and live, Captain,
15:23because every dog has his day, you know.
15:25And the captain is finally having his.
15:27Right, I've...
15:28Oh, shut up.
15:29All right, back in your gambling.
15:31Hey, wait, how's my friend?
15:33Wait a minute, wait a minute.
15:35The civilians, not the Navy.
15:37As far as the civilians are concerned,
15:39this raid is finie.
15:40You mean you're not shutting me down?
15:42Au contraire, dear lady.
15:44In fact, when the Admiral gets here,
15:45I want him to see that this joint is really a joint.
15:48All right, you SPs, line the prisoners up against that wall
15:51where we can keep an eye on them.
15:53All right.
15:53Sir.
15:54Oh, the Admiral.
15:55Yes.
15:55The Admiral?
15:56How about it?
15:56Move!
15:59That goes for you, too, you wino.
16:01Who do you call a wino?
16:03No, I...
16:04Well, that does it, you squirrel.
16:09I'm not even going to wait for a firing.
16:11No, no, no.
16:13Stop it, stop it.
16:17Bring the wheel.
16:18Everybody play.
16:19Try to play.
16:20I'll give you all a good lick.
16:22Admiral gets here.
16:23We're gunners.
16:24Yeah, it'll be bread and water time.
16:26All they don't serve the team.
16:28Who are my head?
16:31Wait, honey, what are we going to do?
16:33If that screaming Mimi over there sicks the Admiral on me, I'm ruined.
16:36He'll run me out of this town for good.
16:38Oh, well, I got news for you, baby.
16:40We're just as bad off.
16:43All right, you two.
16:44Break it up.
16:45Maggie, you get back to your customers.
16:47If you're so friendly with McHale, you can visit him every Sunday through a little wire screen.
16:51Oh, uh, Captain, sir.
16:54How come Lieutenant Carpenter isn't sitting over here with the rest of us gamblers?
16:58Why?
16:58What is he doing?
17:01Oh, no.
17:04Lunkhead.
17:05Carpenter, freeze!
17:06You pull that handle, and I'll pull those stripes right off of your stoop little shoulders.
17:14Don't you know that this machine is rigged?
17:16Don't you know that you haven't got a chance?
17:18Don't you know you can't win?
17:20Anybody that thinks they can make any money gambling, I'm...
17:23Here, I'll show you.
17:24Oh, sir, look what I got.
17:33Just drop your little hands off and let's go, I'm scrapping you.
17:35That's an order.
17:36Well, no offense, sir, but I lost my coin that hit the jackpot.
17:40Oh, but lay the tears.
17:41If you're going to be so chintzy about it, here.
17:43Oh, sir.
17:44Your coin back.
17:52He's a human claw machine.
17:54Why would I never saw a guy go for money like that?
17:56Murder.
17:59I think I feel it's my money.
18:02He changed his mind about gambling after all he said about it.
18:06Hey.
18:07Wait a minute.
18:08You give me a brainstorm, it might get us off the hook.
18:11Hey, look, fellas.
18:12What do you suppose would happen if Binghamton suddenly hit a big winning streak, huh?
18:17On this joint, Skip, you must be dreaming.
18:19Not if Maggie fixes it so he can't lose.
18:22You know what I mean, honey?
18:22Wait a minute, Quint.
18:24I...
18:24Now, now, now, you wait a minute.
18:25Don't you see?
18:27If Leadbottom gets on a hot streak, he's liable to be just greedy enough to call off the admiral.
18:32And you're getting mighty generous with my money.
18:35All right.
18:36What would you rather lose, then?
18:37A few thousand?
18:39Or the entire operation, huh?
18:41You put it that way, Quint.
18:43It's a nice girl.
18:45Hey, Carpenter, remind me to put all this evidence in a safe place.
18:49My bank account.
18:50Could we maybe make it a joint account instead, you and me?
18:53Oh, shut up, you ingrate.
18:54I'm putting your name in the report.
18:56What more do you want?
18:58Oh, pardon me, sir.
19:00Pardon me.
19:01Madame, Monsieur, place your bets.
19:08Place your bets.
19:09This really looks like your lucky day.
19:11McHale, how'd you get loose?
19:13Carpenter.
19:13Sir.
19:14Get this beady-eyed tin horn back over there where he belongs on a double.
19:17Yes, sir.
19:17Come along, Command.
19:18Now, wait a minute.
19:19I'm not going to do anything.
19:20McHale, if you con me anymore, I'm going to fill you full of holes.
19:23Now, now, wait a minute.
19:24Back, McHale.
19:25Back.
19:26The winning number, three red.
19:28Not for the last time, McHale.
19:30All right, I'm going, sir.
19:32But aren't you going to collect your winnings first?
19:34My winnings?
19:34What are you talking about?
19:35The winner number, three red.
19:36There you are, Captain.
19:38Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my.
19:41Well, don't you see, sir, you let it ride on the 1 to the 18th?
19:44Is that what I did?
19:45Yeah.
19:46So I did.
19:48Place your bets, please.
19:49Nice going, sir.
19:50I'll have this money impounded and save this evidence for the ad.
19:52Keeps your rubby little hands off of that money, didn't you?
19:55hear that that's my money i won that parent square winner number three red oh boy you're
20:01hot as sure as you get you got to go in touch today i didn't mean to do that oh man are you
20:07a plunger sir letting it ride like that i didn't mean to i mean all this is mine sure gentlemen
20:14here we go again place your bets place your bet go on place your bet go on that's it hurry up you
20:19be you got a hot streak sir before the admiral comes too oh hang me i don't care about the air
20:23what do i i'm i'm hot sir sir aren't you going to pick up your money get your grubby little hands
20:28off the money you hear what he said i'm a plunger a plunger let me see what am i going to do here
20:32i'm fine now the works the works on the on the number nine oh no go go go you little ball make
20:40my money wall to wall the winning number nine black
20:53okay now this time everything right here on number uh uh five five sir sir don't you don't
21:03think you better call the admiral off first sir after all he could break up your winning streak
21:07sir stop babbling mikhail can't you see i'm busy all right let's go go go go wallach needs to do
21:12all right now the admiral's on his way let you stand back and stop that don't you realize you're
21:18breathing on my money you peasant oh i hate poor people oh no i number five pardon me sir but he's
21:23right about the admiral go get yourself a brain
21:26come on come on winner number five
21:34put the money on there
21:36on the last of the red hot cap
21:43now this time everything it works on number 11. hey skips yeah you just pulled up outside no of
21:49all the blasted luck all right let's roll that wheel i'm losing money everybody stand back
21:54watch lucky wally break the bank come on 11. put me in heaven there it goes the winner is you guessed it
22:01folks
22:10i'm rich i'm rich i'm filthy rotten stinking rich
22:16captain sir the admiral the admiral who cares about the admiral the admiral i'm a millionaire
22:22all right binghamton that's enough now listen admiral if you think you're gonna horn in on my
22:26winning secrets here you got another thing because i you oh admiral smoke them now what is all this
22:33about your being a millionaire oh yeah well you misunderstood me i don't see what what i mean is
22:39i have millions in uh in evidence evidence thousands anyway at last we've got mikhail and his men no this
22:45is your money uh captain you remember you wanted fair and square lucky wally i guess he doesn't want
22:51to mention it on his income tax cap cap that is binghamton and you shut up you're the ranking officer
22:58here and i'm holding you responsible oh no admiral you shouldn't hold me responsible you should hold
23:03the owner of this den of iniquity responsible she's the one she's the one you want oh but no captain
23:08you're the owner now right maggie oh yeah yeah definitely that's right admiral that that last
23:15row broke the bank he's the boss now he owns this joint locked stock and barrel they're trying to
23:21frame me admiral i mean they're the ones they're the gamblers they're all the time gamble gamble gamble
23:24gamble now admiral you said you're going to make an example of somebody are you promised exactly and
23:29you're elected i'll come along and that's an order excuse me boss before you go could you leave the key
23:34to the restroom
23:55oh goodbye quinton well so long fellas see you all around the south pacific
24:04what a tough great being shipped back to australia like that yeah well at least you had the pleasure
24:12of seeing the admiral knock binghamton all the way down the bottom of the promotion list that was
24:16really something that's the first time i saw a captain cry the captain was crying because the
24:21admiral made me give that money to the navy relief fund if you ask me maggie's the one who really got a
24:25bad break boy i'll go along with that absolutely losing her joint and getting run out of town without
24:30her scent to her name hard if i know maggie at any rate boy as soon as the captain gets back
24:37hey my my watch my my wallet of all the conniving females
24:53the
24:55the
25:01the
25:03the
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