- 17 hours ago
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00:00Tosh.0 features videos from the internet and is intended for a mature audience.
00:04Comedy Central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them.
00:09Enjoy.
00:30Comedy Central does not condone the activities performed.
01:00If this doesn't at least chub you up a little, you're a homophobic racist.
01:06Welcome to Tosh.0.
01:07When every day feels like a funeral for society, you dress accordingly.
01:12It's the season of mourning.
01:16I don't know how that works.
01:18Tonight, I get in this gardener's pants.
01:21I mean, plants.
01:22I introduce you to a no-look cook whose secret ingredient is creepy eye contact.
01:28And this week's lucky son of a bitch.
01:30Now, I don't have jokes for this first video.
01:34My wife walked in on me watching it and I had to pretend it was for the show.
01:39So, here we are.
01:41Eww.
01:44That first guy could take or leave, you know?
01:46But then, it really heats up.
01:48Are you jealous?
01:51I got to shelter in place with such sensual roommates?
02:01What the heck, guys?
02:02We're out of whipped cream.
02:04This is a grapefruit.
02:05He ate all peaches.
02:07Makes me feel like I'm back in Florida going down to my Nana.
02:09Peaches have a small window, but sexy never goes out of season.
02:17Moving on, thankfully, the Summer Olympics were postponed, so these synchronized divers
02:22will still have a chance to compete.
02:30Really tough way to find out no one at the party gives a shit about you.
02:35You don't listen to them.
02:36You're beautiful.
02:37Keep shining.
02:38She didn't call bank.
02:43That awning took it like a champ, too.
02:47Okay, good rule of thumb.
02:49If you can't spell your own race, your life doesn't matter.
02:53This cannot be real.
02:56And get out here.
02:57Get the out here.
03:00Wig-hit power.
03:03Wig-hit.
03:04Wig-hit-y.
03:05Power?
03:06On second thought, let's open the schools.
03:10Kind of quaint.
03:11A white bigot fence.
03:14Now, we saw your American flag.
03:15We already know what you think.
03:17I'm sold.
03:18Congratulations, Sunbury, Pennsylvania.
03:20You're our new shithole of the week.
03:23All right.
03:24Is this dressage?
03:29Maybe.
03:31How do horses put up with us riding them when they could easily kill us at any moment?
03:37Power?
03:37Oh!
03:39The odds of his survival went from 3 to 5 to 40 to 1.
03:42That's a long shot.
03:46That filling needed to be replaced anyway.
03:49Thanks, horse dentist.
03:51Horse dentist.
03:55Guess what doesn't kick you in the head when you ride it?
03:57Huh?
03:58The hyper-scorpion electric moped-style bike from Juiced E-Bikes.
04:02Hashtag not sponsored.
04:04But I would be interested.
04:07Uno mas!
04:08So, I haven't done this adjustment on Renee in quite some time because she hasn't let me.
04:15But I'm going to today.
04:16Just get back this way.
04:21Okay, so you can get right back up here.
04:23No, I'm doing it anyway.
04:25I can't do that part, though.
04:28I know what you can do and what you can't do.
04:30Your vocal cords need an adjustment.
04:33Sounds like you got a knot in your nuts.
04:35Now, let's find out what's popping.
04:38Brand new whip just hopped in.
04:40I got options.
04:41I can pass that bitch like Stockton in this week's Breakdown.
04:47Meet Gregory and his wife slash patient Renee.
04:51Their chiropractic office is in Houston, Texas.
04:55Home of con artist the Houston Astros.
04:59Chiropractors are doctors the same way your cousin who posts anti-vax memes on Facebook is a scientist.
05:04You want to be a doctor but still disappoint your parents?
05:07Become a chiropractor.
05:08There you go.
05:11Okay, so I'm not going to bring this around.
05:13I'm just going to put it in the right position.
05:15Just relax.
05:16Breathe.
05:16Exhale.
05:17We'll get your left ear.
05:18There it is.
05:19Right there.
05:20Oh, my God!
05:21What's the goal here?
05:22You trying to get her back out on the mound again?
05:25Oh, God.
05:26All right, I need you to stand up real quick.
05:28Those are the wailing shrieks of another satisfied patient.
05:32You're better off being healed at the megachurch.
05:34Don't worry, everybody.
05:36He went to Palmer College of Chiropractic.
05:40Hogwarts is more credited.
05:42Face the mirror.
05:43Ooh, what's that do?
05:44Erase their memories, I hope.
05:46It's Texas.
05:47Of course, they've got a gun for everything.
05:50These two look like they should be standing in front of a gaudy mansion,
05:53pointing that thing at peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters.
05:58Yeah, with a divorce lawyer.
06:02Oh, God.
06:03Okay, let's see your head's right down in the center now.
06:06Walk around.
06:07Walk it off.
06:09I wonder how many doctors at Cedars prescribe walk it off.
06:13So this is a really painful condition.
06:16She was moving towards frozen shoulder there,
06:19and she does have just a ton of years of cumulative trauma
06:24by being on the computer so much and working at the front desk
06:28and actually, she runs into the walls and stuff and hits her shoulder.
06:33And for that, we thank you.
06:38Hashtag Blame Women.
06:39But first, here's another installment of Street Justice.
06:42Street Justice.
06:43Street.
06:44Street.
06:45You fucking scared, you a bitch.
06:50Street Justice.
06:51Hi, I'm Free Della DeVille, and I'm here to show you how to care for your plants like you care for your d***.
07:02When's the last time you finger your f***ing plants, b***h?
07:05Instead of trying to finger your man, you need to see if your plants need watering.
07:08This right here is a prayer plant.
07:09It got its name because as the day goes from day to evening, it slowly raises its leaves in a prayer position
07:14to save on moisture, and b***h, you might want to do the same and start praying that the s*** works.
07:18This right here is a rubber plant.
07:19It got its name because its leaves produces a sap that is used to make latex.
07:23Now, it's not just for condom making, b***h.
07:25You can use it for f***ing irritating his skin,
07:27or you can rearrange his guts by making him a good old-fashioned houseplant salad with this in it.
07:32All right, that's all you get, b***h.
07:34See you next week on Child Gardening.
07:36Bye.
07:37Bye.
07:39Bye.
07:42That's Marvel's replacement superhero, Black Planner?
07:47Wakanda forever.
07:48R.I.P. King.
07:49Everybody knows plants need water, sunlight, and tons of pizzazz.
07:54Gardening is a hobby for old white women with dead husbands.
07:57There's no place for a beautiful Brooklyn hipster like Fridella DeVille.
08:01He's a trap gardener, which means he gardens and he DJs.
08:06Check out his semi-pornographic Instagram feed for tips on mulch,
08:10and stay for the tutorials about murdering people with poisonous plants.
08:14I'm told millennials are really into houseplants,
08:17probably because they'll never be able to afford a house, much less a kid.
08:22Eh, at least nobody's gonna lock you up if you accidentally fry an orchid in a hot car.
08:26Truly the most pathetic generation.
08:29But if Fridella wants to turn his apartment into a rainforest cafe, I won't stop him.
08:34That's why I brought him to L.A., where gardeners are called migrant workers,
08:37in this week's Swebity Profile.
08:39in this week's mostì ‘is.
08:46Oh, oh, oh, oh.
08:51Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
08:58Feed me.
09:02Who said that?
09:04Feed me.
09:07Oh, feed me, Friedella.
09:10The hell are you?
09:11I'm Audrey 3.0, and I'm getting hangry.
09:14Feed me.
09:15Let me get you some water in Miracle-Gro.
09:17Oh, I want your sweet nectar.
09:20My blood?
09:21No, gross. I'm not a vampire.
09:23I was thinking of something a little saltier.
09:28Oh, I see how it is.
09:31Oh, Friedella, is that your Christian name?
09:34No, because me and God don't get along.
09:36Mm-hmm.
09:37At all.
09:38Mm-hmm.
09:39How did you come up with the name Friedella DeVille?
09:43So, Friedella DeVille was, like, a combination of my DJ name, DJ Freedom,
09:47and that evil bitch Cruella DeVille.
09:49So, I just, like, combined them together and just made a more evil entity.
09:53You're gardening and a DJ.
09:56What earns less money?
09:57The gardening, for sure.
09:59Oh.
10:00Oh, I hate to be a bother, but I had a light lunch I could use a top off.
10:04Feed me.
10:06Feed me, you blonde mother .
10:10Oh.
10:11Why do you want to be associated with that evil bitch?
10:14Because I'm an evil bitch.
10:15Yeah, but that evil bitch wanted to take little dogs and kill them and make them into a coat.
10:19Yeah, and I want to take plants and help them kill people and make the world a better place.
10:23Do you really want that?
10:24I do, actually, because plants make half up the world.
10:27They make up half the world?
10:30Is that what you fucking said?
10:31Yeah.
10:32They make up half the world just like water.
10:33So, where are you from?
10:34I'm from Atlanta, but I live in New York.
10:36Where in New York do you live?
10:37Brooklyn.
10:38Brooklyn!
10:40What's the biggest difference between Atlanta and living in Brooklyn?
10:44I can get a penis and a sandwich at 4 a.m.
10:47In Atlanta, you can just get what?
10:48Just the penis?
10:49Just the penis.
10:50Till 2 a.m.
10:51Oh.
10:52What's your go-to sandwich?
10:53I love a Cubano.
10:54Oh.
10:55Because I love pickles.
10:56Hamon.
10:57Hamon.
10:58You said penis.
11:01Penis.
11:02So, you're a gay man.
11:03Unfortunately.
11:04Do you think it's unfortunate?
11:05No, I'm just kidding.
11:06I mean, if you could pick your own life, would have you picked gay or straight?
11:10If I could, I would choose to be a gay alien on Mars.
11:15Well, yeah, I guess.
11:16I didn't know that there was this third option.
11:18Yeah.
11:19Are you young?
11:20I'm young-ish.
11:21I'm 27.
11:22Oh, yeah, you're young-ish.
11:23How'd you get so into plants?
11:24I was sad, and I needed something to cheer me up.
11:27Uh-huh.
11:28And I bought a plant, and I couldn't stop.
11:30And it gave me something to do instead of just laying in my bed all day.
11:33I'm fascinated with you because I don't know a lot of young black people
11:39that are really into gardening, and that's probably my own fault.
11:42But the gay thing was a nice little sprinkle on top.
11:45That's the razzle-dazzle one?
11:46And then the fact that you were trying to kill people was also interesting.
11:49This right here is a pothos in joy.
11:51It got its name because you're gonna enjoy watching your man's guts get evicted when you feed him this shit.
11:55This shit will him up more than the coronavirus will.
11:57It will have his mouth all red and stretched out on the sides like a joker,
12:01and this shit will his skin up.
12:03He might even shout along or die.
12:05Have you ever actually poisoned one of your lovers with a plant?
12:08I thought about it.
12:10I actually, like, prepared the salad, and then something was like redella.
12:14No.
12:15You can't murder people.
12:16No.
12:17I went back, and I put it in my fridge, and it's still there.
12:19That salad is still there?
12:21Mm-hmm.
12:22That's not gonna keep.
12:23What's your favorite thing to grow?
12:24Well, if I could grow weed, it'll probably be that.
12:27Do you grow weed?
12:28No.
12:29People think I do.
12:30People think I grow really good weed for some reason,
12:31just because, like, my plants are, like, amazing.
12:32But I'm like, no.
12:33I'm not about to come up with no hope on a DEA scoop.
12:35Do you like marijuana?
12:36I love it.
12:37I literally can't eat without it.
12:40You don't do any vegetables?
12:41No.
12:42I like vegetables, but I don't grow them.
12:43Are you a vegetarian?
12:44No.
12:45I love meat.
12:46Hence, penis.
12:47Huh.
12:48Penis is a meat.
12:49When I was young and just a bad little kid.
12:52Shut it.
12:53We're not going that deep on this parody, bitch.
12:56Sorry about that.
12:57I love your hair.
12:58Does the curtain match the drapes?
13:01No.
13:02It does not.
13:04What was it like acting alongside of Sylvester Stallone in Demolition?
13:10Right over my head.
13:11It was Wesley Snipes.
13:12I usually get either, like, Dennis Rodman or Cisco with the blonde hair.
13:15Yeah, but you're tall.
13:16How tall are you?
13:176'2".
13:18Cisco's a tiny little fella.
13:19Dun, dun, dun, dun.
13:20How many robes do you own?
13:22Probably about as many plants as I own.
13:24Probably, like, 20.
13:25You have a lot in common with a Harvey Weinstein.
13:28He always wears robes and, I don't know if you're going to like this or not,
13:32has been known to rub one out into a plant.
13:35What houseplant would you say is the most erotic?
13:38The majesty palm.
13:40This motherfucker right here is called the majesty palm.
13:44This hole is about as tall as me and I'm damn near 40 feet motherfucking tall.
13:48Very erotic.
13:49The palm.
13:50But I wouldn't ejaculate into one.
13:51That's where I draw the line.
13:52That can't be good for it.
13:53It's not.
13:54Yet feces is good for it.
13:56Apparently.
13:57I prefer to use worm feces because that's better.
13:59I'm not about to use my shit or anybody else's shit.
14:01You could have a composting toilet.
14:03I'm not doing that neither.
14:04Okay.
14:05Your Instagram is a lot hornier than your YouTube channel.
14:10I'm a horny person.
14:11Okay, but I'm just saying, the two are very different.
14:15For instance, four fingers deep.
14:17Oh.
14:18I actually remember that.
14:19Okay, Instagram actually took that the down.
14:20Of course they sure.
14:21That's disgusting.
14:22Man, it was soap.
14:23It was soap.
14:24I promise you.
14:25I promise you it was soap.
14:26I promise you.
14:27That's not what you were acting like it was.
14:28Nasty mother .
14:30Can plants be gay?
14:32Plants are actually pretty asexual.
14:34I think the only plant that I know of that's male and female is weed.
14:37I don't know if like house plants have male, female genes.
14:40You can make pussy at anything.
14:42Ooh.
14:43Ooh.
14:44Time to feed.
14:47I got the need for seed.
14:49Man seed.
14:50I'm gonna need a Gatorade and a gnat first,
14:52cause I'm busting dust over here.
14:54I'm a growing plant-free, Della.
14:55What am I supposed to do?
14:57Ooh.
14:58I got the perfect home where you'll never be hungry again.
15:01Bye.
15:02Bye.
15:08Almost time for the fourth video.
15:10There's nothing queer about this.
15:12Boy, do my boys on the CB hear about you.
15:14All right.
15:15Start succulatin'.
15:26For an additional $45 plus another $30 on top of that,
15:29you can see our entire Little Trap of Horrors parody on Disney+.
15:33We'll be right back, but first, this pretty much sums up the Trump boat
15:36parades.
16:06Don't forget.
16:07Don't forget toìž… a city who has told us
16:08that it really is asfee��.
16:09A fan from and out.
16:10All right.
16:11It's hard to replace people when they all look like us.
16:12But when it comes to the radar river we'll get back to a community.
16:13Yes, let's wrap down the house,
16:14there's nothing good for the camera.
16:15I'll have to wait back a few hours to do that.
16:16You can see this big secbere video features on my side.
16:18All right.
16:19Can do that again?
16:20Can do it?
16:21I'd be quite brief when we have donÃt.
16:23Emergency techад Ah!
16:24Being氣 and journalism is出來,
16:25So my growing plant business is a fresh part of the brain.
16:26My in the brain and Hey!
16:27The bestding tomorrow So the placement of those Albert
16:31to form is to give a snowflake.
16:32What the hell are you smiling at?
16:43Nothing good has happened in seven months.
16:46The guy with Don Jr. cocaine eyes is Barack,
16:49and he Instagrams himself cooking without looking.
16:53Nothing better than a heavy Turkish dish
16:55after the chef eye f***ed you.
16:58How does he still have fingers?
17:00Not to brag, but I'm the one who invented
17:02looking straight into the camera
17:03back when I was the first person
17:05to play people's home movies on TV.
17:32I'm the one who invented
17:35and he's the one who invented
17:37the world.
17:39If you're not willing to do that,
17:41I would like to transmit
17:41an emotional moment.
17:41I would like to have a look at
17:42the camera and see.
17:42You can see.
17:43You can see,
17:45you can see you on camera.
17:45You can see that.
17:45Look what you made me do, no-look Turkish chef.
18:08Half of California is burnt.
18:11Now, rarely in Hollywood do you get to hear from the other side.
18:14So here's another insane voicemail from my only conservative friend, comedian Greg Hawn.
18:21Hey, Daniel, are you in town?
18:24Greg Hawn here.
18:25I don't know if I have COVID.
18:28I just did 100 squats.
18:30Is that a symptom?
18:32Anyway, man, give me a call.
18:34Okay.
18:36I have got to change my number.
18:38We'll be right back with more Tosh.0 on Comedy Central.
18:44Next week, I see if this pet foodie prefers chicken or liver.
19:01Hey, I'm here to do some pet food reviews.
19:05First bite, it's kind of like meatballs.
19:12Ooh, look at that.
19:18Smells like clam chowder with tuna in it.
19:20I mean, cat food tuna, but yeah.
19:26Whoa.
19:26That's what you have to do for food when you miss your Instacart delivery window.
19:31Follow me on the four majors of social media.
19:33As you know, these are our final episodes on Comedy Central.
19:37And just because I may be moving on to another network doesn't mean I don't love CC.
19:42And to prove it, we've been paying tribute to some of my favorite executives
19:46that have made Tosh.0 the longest-running weekly live-action show in network history.
19:52This week, you guessed it, Gary Mann.
19:54Gary!
19:56If you're a loyal fan of the show, you already have his personal home phone number.
20:01And you've probably sent cheese to his office.
20:03But did you know he was the only executive to ban me from playing male-on-male pornography
20:08instead of using a traditional audience warm-up comedian?
20:11Finally, here's this week's lucky son-of-a-bitch.
20:16Did you lock the door?
20:17Your purse is wet and just touched my face.
20:19Hold my hair.
20:21Older fucking hair.
20:24You have to get down to the bottom.
20:25I am!
20:27Do you want this toilet seat up?
20:28I keep fucking shoulder deep.
20:31My fingers are fucking dead.
20:32Oh, I found it. I found it.
20:34Shut up. No, you didn't.
20:35Yeah, I did.
20:35Did you actually?
20:36Yeah.
20:38What?
20:38Quick, eat some rice and poop it onto your phone just to be safe.
20:49Okay, hologram disengage.
20:52Good night.
21:08Good night.
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