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00:00Hey guys, it's me Daniel.
00:02Before you ask, no, I did not get the Rona.
00:06Unfortunately, neither did my parents.
00:09I thought your show was canceled.
00:11Never!
00:13But this is Comedy Central's final season of Tosh.0.
00:17You're insane if you think I'd stay off the air
00:19while Nick Saban puts hundreds of lives at risk
00:22for a chance to win college football's biggest asterisks.
00:25Just a heads up, the first episode
00:27and some of the bits you'll see throughout the season
00:29were taped pre-apocalypse.
00:31Some jokes will feel inappropriate.
00:34It was a different time.
00:36There was even a studio audience.
00:38They are all dead now.
00:40If there's a bright side to the 200,000 COVID deaths,
00:43it's that my dream of being on TV
00:45without having to be around people has finally come true.
00:49Will there be a laugh track?
00:53No?
00:54Now take it away, King of Staten Island.
00:57Tosh.0 features videos from the internet
00:59and is intended for a mature audience.
01:01Comedy Central does not condone the activities performed
01:04and discourages anyone from attempting them.
01:06Enjoy.
01:06There's a crowd.
01:31Yeah, positive.
01:33New set, new graphics, new music, new attitude, same dipshits.
01:58Welcome to the 2020 premiere of Tosh.0.
02:01For tax purposes, we've moved the show to Miami.
02:05Despite the cool vibes, this year is going to be a huge downer, because this is the season
02:12of mourning.
02:15Have some goddamn respect.
02:19In these dark days, nothing says it's time to laugh like funeral attire.
02:24Congratulations on being the last studio audience that will ever get to watch a taping of Tosh.0.
02:31Not because of the coronavirus, but because being around my fans makes me sick.
02:39Tonight, our tribute to an L.A. legend that was taken too soon.
02:43I attend the most depressing family reunion, and I introduce you to this week's lucky son
02:48of a bitch.
02:49Now, let's head on back to San Diego, the Florida of California.
02:58Not as dangerous as shaking hands or touching your own face.
03:04Hope his stepdad was still alive to see this.
03:07That's a Hot Rod reference.
03:09Top five greatest films of all time.
03:13Hot Rod.
03:15The Godfather doesn't make the list.
03:19Hope there's a fresh spine in that igloo.
03:22Or is it a Coleman?
03:24I know he can't afford a Yeti.
03:25All right.
03:28Aside from his testicles exploding.
03:32Worked out pretty well.
03:34I don't want to say I told you so.
03:36But I think there was an error in solving the inequality for velocity squared to get your
03:41acceleration variable, y max, of the initial velocity, v sub zero, over the degree angle
03:49of the ramp.
03:50No need to check my math.
03:52Bill Nye is my dad.
03:53All right.
03:56Here's exclusive footage from the Tosh.0 Christmas slash Hanukkah party.
04:00One, two, three.
04:10I respect any bowler who uses a 240 pound ball.
04:14This is also how Chris Matthews asked to be removed from the set of Hardball.
04:26I see a lot of foot faults.
04:28Mark it a zero.
04:30Don't worry.
04:31Even though there was a wicked oil pattern, I picked up the spare.
04:33Who do you think you are?
04:37I am.
04:40It's less hygienic to stick your fingers in a bowling ball than a co-worker's butthole.
04:45That's straight from the CDC's website.
04:48Okay, statistically, most women miss 100% of the shots they do take.
05:06She should get at least one point for being hilarious.
05:09Let me guess, Lori Loughlin has another daughter and she's putting together a highlight reel
05:14for USC?
05:17Oh, hard to shatter the glass ceiling when you can't even hit the glass backboard.
05:23If you say it didn't go in, that's gaslighting.
05:26In case you were wondering, Lewisburg High lost that game.
05:30Six to four.
05:33Thank God they stopped allowing fans to watch this.
05:36I've always been known for my precision passing.
05:40Can you pass the salt?
05:44Oh, my God.
05:48I put a little too much pepper on that salt.
05:51Moving on, here's a live look inside Joe Biden's brain.
05:56You're telling me this won the Oscar for Best Picture?
06:11Unusual to see an Asian with such a massive
06:13Hey, Houston Astros, does this mean a fastball or curveball is coming?
06:21While they're cooped up in quarantine over in Wuhan,
06:27they came up with a germ-free version of the hand slap game.
06:30All is forgiven.
06:34Don't worry, she eventually got her hands on that
06:37cock.
06:40That hairless skin crisps up real nice.
06:43Uno mas.
06:44Please keep your arms, legs, and lunch inside the ride at all times.
07:02She's going to be sick.
07:03But not as sick as the sexual assaults her beloved bailer
07:07tried to sweep under the rug in this week's breakdown.
07:10Welcome to Dallas, home of the JFK getting shot in the head museum.
07:18But if swinging around an abandoned parking lot from a crane is more your speed,
07:2235 bucks will get you into the Zero Gravity Thrill Amusement Park.
07:26That's a mouthful.
07:27Speaking of mouthfuls...
07:30Yeah, first puke of the season.
07:33If you're full enough, any ride can be Splash Mountain.
07:36I'm sure the college graduate who's operating the ride will do a real deep clean.
07:51How much egg salad did she eat?
07:55We're going to need to quarantine the entire great state of Texas.
07:58He's tapping out.
08:09You'd think a guy who likes Mumford and Sons enough to buy a t-shirt
08:12would be able to handle the disgusting sounds of her barfing.
08:17Maybe they don't even know each other.
08:19Just two single riders that got paired up.
08:23I'm so sorry.
08:24Sorry doesn't wash off all the hot vomit, Becky.
08:28Now she should hightail it back to the guess your weight guy
08:31and challenge that smug asshole to a rematch.
08:33And for that, we thank you.
08:37But first, there's nothing amusing about stealing your souvenir photos after the ride.
08:42Friends, please.
08:43Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.
08:46That's a great block.
08:47Cheers to the ones that we got.
09:12Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not.
09:15Cause the drinks bring back all the memories of everything we've been through.
09:20Toast to the ones that it ain't.
09:23Toast to the ones that we lost on the way.
09:25Cause the drinks bring back all the memories.
09:28And the memories bring back memories.
09:30Bring back yours.
09:32Everything I remember.
09:35And I did not know no pain.
09:37When I believed in forever.
09:40And everything would stay the same.
09:42Now my heart feel like December.
09:45When somebody say your name.
09:48Cause I can't reach out to call you.
09:51But I know I will one day.
09:53Yeah.
09:54Everybody hurts sometimes.
09:56Everybody hurts someday.
09:58Yeah.
09:58I'm told sharing your saddest life stories is what comedy is in 2020.
10:09If that montage didn't make you tear up, knowing that we had to pay Maroon 5 $18,000 for their music probably will.
10:17Thanks to Spotify's shuffle, it was the last song Castro heard as he went peacefully in my arms
10:23while poison coursed through his frail, cancer-riddled body.
10:28I truly believe in my heart that song is what did him in.
10:31Adam Levine killed my dog.
10:34I can't put into words what Castro meant to me.
10:37I mean, I can, but my family is sick of hearing I wish they died instead.
10:41I'd say I've had a hard time sleeping since he passed, but it's actually better now that I'm not on high alert for his spontaneous midnight puking.
10:51Toward the end, his breath smelled like a trout shit down his throat.
10:55Castro appeared in nearly 100 episodes of Tosh.0.
10:59He worked more than 95% of the actors in L.A., which is why I'm calling on Hollywood to give Castro a star on the Walk of Fame.
11:08Doesn't need to be prime real estate.
11:13He'll take a back alley off Las Palmas.
11:15I'll even share a star with him.
11:17I'm sure the Emmys in memoriam will snub him, too, which is insane.
11:22Losing a pet is way more traumatic than losing a lighting guy.
11:27But Castro's not the only dog who deserves to be honored.
11:31So I asked my fans to share pictures of their dead dogs.
11:35Not actual dead dogs.
11:37You get it.
11:39So grab a box of Kleenex, if you can find one thanks to the coronavirus, for the Tosh.0 Canine Memoriam.
11:46Please hold your applause until the end.
11:48MUSIC PLAYS
13:54So, what brings you in today?
13:55My dog died, so now I only have one, and I've always said you have to have two dogs, because
14:01when one is unfairly taken from you, you're not dumping a freezer full of expensive raw
14:06food.
14:07Now, bring out the used dogs.
14:09We prefer rescue.
14:10And they need to be good on camera.
14:12I'm a lot like Kris Jenner.
14:14You live under my roof, I will exploit you and film you having sex.
14:21This is Marbles.
14:22Okay, that is a dumb name.
14:25Are you allowed to change their names immediately?
14:26Well, she's seven years old, but she'll probably answer to anything after two days.
14:29Let's see if you can perform.
14:30Up.
14:31Come here.
14:31Marbles.
14:32Marbles!
14:33I mean, how do you train a dog that doesn't like a treat?
14:37Are you just shunning me?
14:39This is Babs.
14:43Come here, Babs.
14:44Babs?
14:45See you later, Babs.
14:47My mailman's a POC.
14:49Is that going to be a problem?
14:50Oh, God!
14:51Babs!
14:52Babs!
14:54Babs!
14:57This is Lulu.
14:58Oh, my.
14:59Have fun.
15:01Hello there.
15:01You're not one of those at any moment you can snap and eat the fetus out of my pregnant
15:05wife pit bulls, are you?
15:06No.
15:06Where do you keep your designer breeds?
15:09I want one of those Chrissy Teigen rescue dogs for their 100% purebred puppy and not a rescue
15:13at all.
15:15Is that on a loop?
15:17This is Pepe.
15:19Well, hello there.
15:21And how old is Pepe?
15:23Let me guess.
15:24You guys don't know.
15:25Let me see if you're doing it.
15:26Pepe?
15:28Pepe, sit.
15:29Pepe, come.
15:32Pepe, shake.
15:33You can keep a secret, can't you?
15:35Are you a good kisser?
15:36I'd hate for you to have a peanut allergy.
15:40That's a little joke.
15:41Peanut butter.
15:43Never mind.
15:44Thank you so much.
15:45Before I make my decision, I need to do my due diligence.
15:48Check some puppy mills, pet stores and malls, things like that.
15:51I hear there's a sketchy breeder outside of Kansas City making a three-inch Havanese.
15:56Five grand!
15:57This seems like a steal.
15:58Just so you know, there are over 20,000 free dogs here in L.A. that need rescuing every
16:01year.
16:02But hey, no pressure.
16:03Oh, I don't need 20,000.
16:05I just need one that's really cute.
16:07I couldn't get a replacement dog before I honored Castro's final wish.
16:12Every week for the past 12 years, he'd watch me rehearse in his favorite seat in the audience,
16:17row A, seat two.
16:18So if it's no trouble, I'd like him to sit there one last time.
16:31So much ash for such a small dog, but I'm told most of it was tumor.
16:36I don't know about you, but I feel at peace.
17:10That's a weeping mother using VR technology to reunite with her dearly departed daughter.
17:16I'm starting to feel like this season might be a real bummer.
17:20Even I think this is majorly effed up, and I just dumped my dog's ashes on an audience member.
17:26Sorry about that.
17:27These tech companies are profiting off grieving parents, and millions of people online are watching
17:33this.
17:33Okay, just when I thought this video couldn't get any more depressing, there's a birthday party
17:41for two.
17:43It's virtual reality.
17:45You could have created anything.
17:47At least drawn a few friends.
17:50A bounce house.
17:52Maybe a pony.
17:56All right, ride's over.
18:01If you want to play again, you have to lose another loved one.
18:05I called next.
18:11Daniel, my favorite grandson.
18:14Pop Pop.
18:15Is that really you?
18:16Leroy Jenkins!
18:23You're going down, you old racist try-hard.
18:26Hey, you're not one of my dead relatives.
18:37Well, I'm here for the grandpa gangbang.
18:38Sorry to tell you, but he's dead again.
18:41That's not going to suck me.
18:42This game is a lot sadder than I thought it would be.
18:45Shame on you, Dave and Busters.
18:48Shame.
18:49Now, here's this week's out of nowhere racially charged exchange.
18:54Hi.
18:54Hello, hello, hello.
18:55Nice to meet you.
18:55I have Nancy.
18:56Nancy, that's my mom's name.
18:58My dad named me after my great-aunt, who was a slave.
19:01Okay, I'm sorry.
19:04Being white is so exhausting.
19:08We'll be right back with more tweezer meat.
19:10But first, if he doesn't get to use his legs, nobody does.
19:14Welcome back to the only TV show that has fully quarantined itself from the rest of Hollywood since 2008.
19:43Next Tuesday, it's Friday.
19:44Next Tuesday, it's Friday.
19:46It's Friday, Friday.
19:49Got to get down on Friday.
19:51Everybody's looking forward to the weekend.
19:54Party and party and party and party and party and party and spoiler alert, she is all grown up.
20:03Shadow ban me on the four majors of social media, can't afford cable, check out Tosh.0 on our new YouTube channel, come see me do stand-up if we're still allowed to gather in public.
20:14Finally, the season of mourning is not just about honoring those who died, but also about honoring those who should be dead, in this week's Lucky Son of a Bitch.
20:25Now, sober up and buy a lottery ticket, you lucky son of a bitch.
20:50Hologram disengage.
20:51Good night.
20:52Good night.
20:57Good night.
20:59Good night.
21:00Good night.
21:01Good night.
21:02Good night.
21:03Good night.
21:04Good night.
21:05Good night.
21:06Good night.
21:07Good night.
21:08Good night.
21:09Good night.
21:10Good night.
21:11Good night.
21:12Good night.
21:13Good night.
21:14Good night.
21:15Good night.
21:16Good night.
21:17Good night.
21:18Good night.
21:19Good night.
21:20Good night.
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