- 4 hours ago
Upon learning that Parker is a close friend of a well-known war correspondent, Binghamton assigns Parker the role of Base PR Officer to use Parker as the topic of the correspondent's next story.
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00:00The End
00:30And good luck to you, sir
00:30Luck?
00:32Well, yes, sir
00:33Every time Mr. Barrett devotes one of his newspaper columns to a man
00:36He seems to get promoted
00:37I couldn't care less
00:40But in the last six months, sir, it's happened three times
00:43Four
00:43Stutz
00:45Admiral Brawley
00:47Commander Simpson
00:49You're forgetting that young hot rodder on the PT-109
00:53He became a full lieutenant
00:55Hi, Captain
00:57You want to see me?
00:58I never want to see you, McHale
01:01But it doesn't seem that I have any choice
01:03We're having a very important visitor here tomorrow, McHale
01:07You know who it is?
01:08Yes, sir
01:08Quit Barrett
01:09Ah, well, I was looking over Carpey's shoulder when he was typing the dispatch
01:14Are there no secrets in this Navy?
01:18Well, anyway, I want to show Mr. Barrett a very taut ship when he gets here
01:21Therefore, I want you to keep those pirates of yours confined to your island
01:25Yes, sir
01:26Yes, sir
01:27Especially that numbskull, Parker
01:30Where is he now?
01:32Oh, well, he's picking up your jeep, sir
01:34At the motor pool
01:35He heard it was ready and he wanted to save your trip
01:37Well, it's about time he did something for our side for a change
01:46Well, look, Captain
01:48You just give that Mr. Parker a chance
01:50And in a pinch, he'll come through, sir
01:52Morning, Captain
02:01Watch your brakes
02:03Thank you
02:13Thank you
02:14Thank you
02:21Thank you
02:23Thank you
02:28Look, Captain, don't be upset.
02:53I'll get my crew on in and we'll have it patched up in no time at all at all.
02:56McHale, get out of here and take this dimwitted drag racer with you.
03:02As soon as Whit Barrett leaves here, I'm going to transfer him out of here.
03:05Oh, now look here, Captain. Did you say Whit Barrett is coming here?
03:11Yes, I said Whit Barrett is coming here.
03:14And I want him to think this is a naval base and not the Indianapolis Speedway.
03:19That's a good one, sir. Old Whit would have laughed at that one.
03:22He's got a great sense of humor.
03:24Oh, does he? Well, I don't. Now, you button your lip.
03:29How do you know he's got a great sense of humor?
03:31Oh, he and I are old hometown buddies.
03:33Why, before he made the big time, I used to be his copy boy in the Chagrin Falls Gazette.
03:37After work, we'd go next door in the bar and have a couple drinks.
03:40You and Whit Barrett used to drink together?
03:43Well, not exactly. He'd have a bourbon and soda and I'd have a Shirley Temple.
03:47But we always said Skoll.
03:49We know him then, huh?
03:51Oh, yeah. We're old pals.
03:53What he used to say, I appeal to his sense of humor.
03:56Oh, well, Skoll, Ensign, you appeal to mine too.
03:59I mean, but...
04:02Oh, yes, yes. Can I help you out of there, Chuck?
04:08Don't worry about that.
04:09You know, I'd like to have you around here more.
04:11Oh, but no, no, that's not possible, sir. The transfer, remember?
04:16Quint.
04:17Don't you know when your old commanding officer's just fooling around?
04:22Oh.
04:24Right, Chucky?
04:25Right, Captain.
04:27You know, Chuck, I think that you're wasting your talents. You know that boy?
04:32Anyone could drive a Jeep through a wall, you know?
04:35But how many men are capable of handling a job like, uh, public relations?
04:40Public relations?
04:42Uh-huh. Just decided. I want you for my public relations officer.
04:45Gee, did you hear that, Skip?
04:48Uh, loud and clear, yes.
04:50Uh, well, now, Chuck, uh, hmm, maybe with your influence, uh,
04:56you could interest, uh, Mr. Barrett in doing a story on Captain Binghamton.
05:01Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
05:03I wouldn't want Barrett to do a column on me.
05:05I'm much too modest a man for anything like that. Why, it'd be terribly embarrassing.
05:10Well, now, don't you worry, Captain, with my influence.
05:12I assure you that Wit won't write a word about you.
05:14Who do? Now, I, uh, I mean, uh, if a newspaper man needs copy, uh, who am I to deny it to him?
05:21And who are you? You shouldn't do it either.
05:23Cause if you do, you're going to get the fastest transfer in the history of Taratupa.
05:28Make myself clear, Chuck.
05:31Sure thing, Wally.
05:34Here we go.
05:35Bye-bye, Captain.
05:36The keys are in the Jeep.
05:40Oh, that's murder.
05:42Why would anyone want to write about the Captain?
05:44Yeah, yeah, he's about as dull as you can get.
05:46Even his name is dull.
05:48Wallace Burton Binghamton.
05:50I once had a disease with a more colorful name.
05:53You know, a good nickname would sure help.
05:55Look at all the publicity on, uh, Bull Halsey and Blood and Guts Patton.
05:59Yeah.
06:00And, uh, what about Maddo Yamamoto?
06:03Hey, guys.
06:04Hey, you sparked me onto something.
06:05That's the angle.
06:06Yeah?
06:07My name?
06:08Sure.
06:09And I got the perfect name for Captain Binghamton.
06:11Jolly Wally Binghamton?
06:15Well, now, sir, we gotta make you a colorful character.
06:17We gotta build up your public image.
06:19But Jolly Wally, that sounds like a candy bar.
06:22Get off of my desk.
06:25Well, now, sir, it's more than a name.
06:27It's an attitude you have to take.
06:29Um, Jolly Wally Binghamton.
06:31A man who laughs in the face of adversity.
06:34Smiles, when the going is rough.
06:37Chuckles, where others may cry.
06:42You think he'd go for a thing like that?
06:44Well, not only ferrets, sir, but the whole country.
06:47Why, it'll be in all the papers.
06:48Radio broadcasts.
06:49Really, sweep the country.
06:51Sweep the country?
06:52Yeah.
06:53Sit on the desk, of course.
06:55All I have to do is laugh and smile and chuckle?
06:58Yeah.
06:59Well, I know it's gonna be kinda hard at first, sir,
07:01but you just have to practice a little bit.
07:04Sir, could you give me a little laugh now, just to see what one would sound like?
07:07Ah.
07:08It's kind of a combination laugh and chuckle, I do.
07:11Well, sir, maybe we ought to do the Stanislavski method.
07:14Think of something funny.
07:16Uh, like your wife leaving you.
07:17If I can see it.
07:18Honey, what?
07:19Let's see if you can laugh in the face of adversity.
07:20Ah!
07:21Why would you do a thing like that?
07:22Just when I get to like you, you do a dumb thing like that.
07:23Wait a minute.
07:24Jolly Wally Binghamton.
07:25Oh you good, I suppose.
07:26Wait a minute.
07:27But what?
07:28Let's see if you can laugh in the face of adversity.
07:29Hi, hi, hi, hi!
07:30Ah!
07:32Why would you do a thing like that?
07:34Just when I get to like you, you do a dumb thing like that.
07:37Jolly Wally Binghamton.
07:38How are you good? I'm supposed to.
07:47Here we come, Skip the Great Whitbarrett.
07:49Hey, Chuck, are you sure he's going to go for this Jolly Wally stuff?
07:52I don't know. If this thing backfires...
07:54Now, look, Skip, I got the captain all worried, so don't get briefed.
07:56What?
07:57I mean, I got the captain briefed, so don't get worried.
07:59Oh.
08:01Hey, hi, Whit. Remember me?
08:13Not little Chuckie Parker.
08:15Well, why, old boy?
08:17Well, it's Ensign Charlie Parker now, uh, based public relations.
08:21Oh, Ensign, huh?
08:22Well, that should add another three years to the war.
08:25Sure, I mean, by a sense of humor, Skip.
08:27Oh, this is my skipper, Commander McHale.
08:28Oh, hi, nice to meet you.
08:30Well, you're going to love it around here.
08:31We got a CO that's a barrel of laughs.
08:33Yeah, yeah, well, he's a real colorful character.
08:36I'm sure he'll give you a great story.
08:38Good. Take me to your leader.
08:39Well, we don't have to, really.
08:41He's coming to see you, though.
08:41Oh, wonderful.
08:42Stop here.
08:48You, Addleheader, nitwit!
08:56What about, uh, wit?
08:58I'd like to meet our skipper, uh, golly-wally-beam.
09:01Nice to meet you, Captain.
09:02Nice to meet you, Mr. Barrett.
09:07Hey, carpenter.
09:08Give my congratulations to the motor pool.
09:11They really lined those brakes this time.
09:15Uh, Captain, your hat.
09:18Oh, my $25 hat is ruined.
09:23Stay with your hair.
09:24I've been around this war zone about seven months, Captain Binghamton.
09:28Oh, I just called me Jolly.
09:32Sure thing you're Jolly.
09:33As I was saying, I never met anyone quite like you.
09:36A man who can laugh in the face of adversity.
09:40All right.
09:41All right.
09:42Take cover.
09:43All right.
09:44Come here.
09:44Come here.
09:45Chuck, take you, Mr. Barrett.
09:46I'll go to him both.
09:47All right.
09:51Hey, Barrett, where's all the guys?
09:53Let's get him.
09:56Here he comes now.
09:57Let's get him.
10:09Open up.
10:11Open up.
10:14Oh, I can't get him to dance, can't you?
10:16Well, un-jam it, you bird-beam.
10:21It won't bite you, Jolly.
10:23Oh, yeah.
10:27Well, I could get killed out here.
10:39Bob, some place there.
10:40You have to walk this way.
10:42Well, I think the engines are okay.
10:44How you doing, Virg?
10:45Well, a gun car got chopped up pretty bad, Skip, but I fixed it.
10:47All right.
10:48All right.
10:49Oh, here comes laughing boy.
10:51Now, look.
10:52Let's make him look good, even if it hurts, right?
10:57Ah, Mr. Barrett, Captain.
11:00Well, sir, I'm sorry about our little visitor up there.
11:03Oh, that's all right.
11:04Most interesting air raid I've ever been through.
11:06Oh, it was a million laps.
11:12Thank you, sir.
11:13Thank you, sir.
11:15Well, Mr. Barrett, now I'm going to show you how our boats are combat-ready at all times.
11:22All right, over here we've been...
11:24Oh, that's stupid.
11:26I'm sorry, sir.
11:28He's a lovable fella.
11:32Oh, I haven't had so much fun in years.
11:36Excellent beer for everybody.
11:38Yes, sir.
11:39Oh, don't worry about that.
11:42Excellent.
11:43Ah!
11:45Man, extinguisher on a captain's pants are on fire.
11:47You can't say that again.
11:49The fire's out, Captain.
11:53The fire's out.
11:54I'm so sorry about that, sir.
11:57That's all right.
11:58Accidents will happen.
12:01And now, Mr. Barrett, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to check into the infirmary.
12:07I think I am second-degree burns.
12:14All right, Tinker, start your wrenches.
12:19Hey, Steve, how about let me take command of the boat?
12:22I'd like to impress wit, too, you know.
12:24Okay, go ahead, Chuck.
12:27Bon voyage!
12:30Okay, full speed ahead!
12:34Hey!
12:35Kill your wrenches!
12:36You forgot to cast on your mooring lines!
12:46Captain!
12:47Captain!
12:47Are you all right, sir?
12:49I'm drowning!
12:57Captain Binghamton!
13:00I'm finally, Miguel, don't you ever knock.
13:02Oh, well, now, now, now, now, remember, Jolly Wally?
13:05Oh, that's right, Jolly.
13:06Ha, ha, ha, ha, don't you?
13:07I'm knocking off of that Jolly Wally stuff.
13:10It's been almost three weeks since that draft-dodging correspondent was here.
13:14There hasn't been a word about me in the papers.
13:17Well, that's what we came to talk to you about, sir.
13:19The paper just arrived in the mail, and it's got your story in it.
13:22My story's in that paper?
13:24Oh, don't you stand there.
13:25Read to me quickly, quickly, quickly.
13:26Sir, sir, a dispatch just arrived for you.
13:31Oh, belay that cardman, belay that.
13:33Hurry, read it aloud.
13:34But, sir, this is very...
13:34I'm an act.
13:35Take quiet and listen to this.
13:36I want you to know what kind of a man you're serving under.
13:40Yeah.
13:42A report from a PT base somewhere in the South Pacific.
13:45That's our base.
13:46I spent a day with a commanding officer known to his men as Jolly Wally Binghamton.
13:51I've met a good many COs in my travels through the war zone, but none quite the equal of Jolly Wally.
13:57My boy, you're going to get a promotion for this.
14:00I swear, Chuck.
14:01Thank you, sir.
14:02Well, now, in the course of my day,
14:05with this most extraordinary CO,
14:07I watched him pitched out of a jeep on his head and come out laughing.
14:11During an enemy attack,
14:12he stood outside of a bomb shelter
14:14and laughed as he was strafed by enemy gunfire.
14:17I watched him laugh again as he backed into a welder's torch,
14:20and later, when the dock was pulled out from under him by one of his own PT boats,
14:24he laughed with joy as he almost drowned.
14:28Boy, that was a good day.
14:31In my opinion, he...
14:33Well, it gets pretty dull after that, sir, so I won't read any more.
14:39What do you mean, dull?
14:41What is dull about that?
14:42I find it very exciting.
14:43Read, read.
14:44Is that dull?
14:44Give it to me.
14:45I'll read it.
14:45Dull, you don't even know what to...
14:47In my opinion, the lives of our fighting boys
14:51should not be entrusted to a laughing hyena like this.
14:55You think he's been out there too long,
14:57and he should be investigated?
14:59Well, you know what they say in the newspaper game, sir.
15:02Even bad publicity is good publicity.
15:04That's right, sir, and they spelled your name right, too.
15:07No P.
15:07Oh, no P!
15:09A story like that could ruin me.
15:11Why, the Navy Department could send somebody out here
15:13to investigate me to find out
15:14if I'm mentally confident to command this base.
15:17Oh, sir, then you've already read this dispatch.
15:19Yes, I...
15:20Guess what, dispatch?
15:21Well, this one, sir.
15:22From Comfleet to Captain Wallace Binghamton.
15:24And it says,
15:24Stand by for examination by fleet psychiatrist at 1700 today
15:28to determine your fitness for combat command.
15:33Psychiatrist?
15:34Oh, sir, if you want to forget about my promotion,
15:36it's all right with me.
15:37Promotion?
15:38I can lose my command over this, Parker,
15:40and if I do, I want to tell you one of my last acts
15:43is going to be to break you down to apprentice semen
15:45and ship you to the illusions in your skivvies.
15:48No, no, no, calm down, Captain.
15:50This may not be as bad as it looks.
15:52Yeah, now, there still may be a way out of this,
15:54I mean, public relation-wise, you know.
15:56So now, let's not lose our heads.
15:58Don't lose our heads, he says.
16:00Don't lose our heads.
16:02Don't lose our heads.
16:03No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
16:10I can kill your fleet, please, Nick.
16:14Captain, wait!
16:15Wait a minute.
16:16What happened?
16:17Well, what can't you see?
16:19Captain's flipped.
16:20Well, I just saw the dispatch about the fleet psychiatrist.
16:22Well, that's what did it.
16:24I can't kill you, bitch, wait.
16:26I'm running out of order.
16:32That man needs something to calm him down.
16:34You know, a tranquilizer.
16:36Hey, Molly, that's it.
16:38Tranquilizers.
16:39Go get them, will you, honey?
16:40Lots of them.
16:42What a war.
16:48Captain Binghamton?
16:50All right, who is it?
16:52Who's there?
16:52Who, who is that?
16:55It's Commander Turner, Captain.
16:57I thought you might like to have some hot milk.
16:59I also brought you some tranquilizers.
17:01I don't want any tranquilizers if we're nervous people.
17:04Who needs tranquilizers?
17:05Well, I'll just leave them for you in case you change your mind.
17:08Take two.
17:09Captain Binghamton?
17:34Sir, I just got a call from the airfield.
17:38The psychiatrist's plane will be landing in 30 minutes.
17:41Are you all right, sir?
17:43Of course I'm all right.
17:44I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
17:47Get out of here.
17:48I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
17:49I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
17:50I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
17:51I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
17:52I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
17:53I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
17:55I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
17:56I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
17:57I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
17:58I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
17:59I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
18:00I wish everybody quit asking me if I'm all right.
18:01Oh, my God.
18:31Chuck, I don't know. I gave up permission to use the radio, but I don't think this is a good time to see the old man. Besides, the doc will be here any minute.
19:00Now, look, Skip, I think we ought to tell them about radio and Whitbarrett for that retraction. It might calm them down.
19:04Now, maybe. Boy, I sure hope Molly got in that track while I say.
19:11Ensign Parker, request permission to speak to the commanding officer.
19:13Oh, come on.
19:14Help me get him out of this wastebasket.
19:16You wonder who threw him away?
19:17Captain, Captain, come on, boy. Wake up. Wake up.
19:24You're worried about being relaxed.
19:26Chuck, we both find his clothes. Go on. Come and dump him.
19:28Captain, Captain. Come on, boy. Come on. Come on, boy.
19:31Come on. Before the psychiatrist gets here. Come on. You've got to put yourself together.
19:36Come on, Captain.
19:39Hey, wake up, Captain.
19:41Come on. Let's get his shirt on.
19:42Come on. Come on. Come on, boy.
19:46I'll take one arm. You take the other.
19:48Hey, you don't suppose that pill that Molly gave him could have knocked him out so cold, huh?
19:53I don't know, Skip.
19:54Got him in.
19:57Put his pants on.
19:58All right.
19:59There you go.
20:01That's you, stupid.
20:05I'm him. That's it.
20:06All right. All right.
20:08Come on.
20:08All right, I'll give him some black coffee.
20:10Take it easy.
20:12Hey, young, Captain.
20:15What'd you do with his head?
20:18Come on, Captain.
20:19Come on, boy.
20:20Come on.
20:20Get this black coffee in here.
20:22Boy, if he were any more relaxed, he'd be dead.
20:26Who's there?
20:27Captain Saunders of the Medical Corps.
20:30Oh, talk about being dead.
20:32We are...
20:33Hey, stall him.
20:35I'll take Binghamton's other room
20:37and try to bring him, too.
20:38Good afternoon, Captain Binghamton.
20:51Ah, well...
20:52You are Captain Binghamton, aren't you?
20:54Ah, well...
20:55Calm now, Captain.
20:56That's a very simple question.
20:57You can't...
20:58Captain!
21:00Why, yes, yes.
21:01Well, yes, it is.
21:02Yes, quite a simple question.
21:04Well, 1,700 hours cocktail time.
21:06What do you say we'd all go to the club and have a couple drinks?
21:10You coming?
21:10Yeah.
21:11Captain Binghamton, I have to be back at the airstrip by 1,800.
21:15So if you don't mind, we will proceed at once with this examination.
21:18A glass of pop, maybe?
21:18Yeah, you know, Captain Binghamton,
21:20you're very young-looking for a man in your position.
21:24Well, yes, yes.
21:25As a matter of fact, our whole family is kind of young-looking.
21:28Baby-face is young.
21:29Well, my father didn't shave until he was 35.
21:32Neither did my mother.
21:40I have a notation here that you were pitched right out of your jeep,
21:44and yet you came up laughing.
21:45Do you always laugh when you get hurt?
21:47Uh, well, actually, I didn't get hurt.
21:49I landed on my head.
21:51Ah, Captain Binghamton!
21:53I just came by to see how you were doing.
21:55Oh, excuse me, sir.
21:56My name is Lieutenant Commander McHale.
21:58Captain Saunders, now, if you don't mind,
22:00I'd like to continue this examination in private.
22:02Well, in that case, I'll leave.
22:04Oh, well, then we'll go down to your sister's club and have a drink.
22:06Is that all you men do in this base, drink?
22:09Commander, I'm sure you'll excuse us
22:11while we continue with this examination.
22:14What's going on here?
22:17Now, who was that?
22:21Ah, well, that was the captain's orderly, sir.
22:24A little bit under the weather.
22:28Say, you know, that was a pretty good idea, McHale.
22:30I think we ought to walk down to the officer's club and have a little drink.
22:32What's going on here?
22:33What do you men run, a naval base or a cocktail lounge here?
22:36Ah, that's a good one, Captain.
22:38Oh, hiya, Chucky.
22:42They told me you'd be here.
22:43When?
22:44I got you a dispatcher, Kalua, and flew over.
22:46Maybe I've been a little too rough on Captain Binghamton,
22:49so I decided to try to write a new story on him.
22:52You mean this isn't Captain Binghamton?
22:54Of course not.
22:55That's Ensign Parker.
22:56What's going on here?
22:57That's what I'd like to know.
22:59And where in the blazes is Captain Binghamton?
23:01Let me out of here.
23:04Ah, well, look, Captain Sonners.
23:05Why don't we...
23:06If you invite me for another drink, I'll flip.
23:10McHale, stand away from that door, and that's an order.
23:15Let me out of here.
23:17That was Captain Binghamton.
23:42Well, see, like I said, sir, he's just as sane as any one of us.
23:47Well, that psychiatrist turned out to be a regular guy after all.
23:57According to this dispatch, he passed me with flying colors.
23:59Oh, congratulations, sir.
24:01I just knew you were normal.
24:02Ah, well, sir, I think that Ensign Parker deserves a good bit of the credit here, too.
24:06Credit?
24:07Credit?
24:07For what, what, what, what?
24:08Well, his getting Whit Barrett to write that special story on the psychiatrist certainly didn't hurt.
24:13Well, I guess as much as I hate to admit it, Parker does have a head on his shoulders.
24:25Excuse me, sir.
24:27You blithering tattle-brained any of your paws.
24:30Now, wait a minute, Captain.
24:31You remember you said you had a good head on his shoulders.
24:33Yes, I'm going to remove it.
24:35It's just not like it never happened before, Captain.
24:45It's just not like it never happened before, Captain.
25:15It's just not like it never happened before, Captain.
25:30Lord, uh-oh.
25:33Bye.
25:34Bye.
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