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The Ultimate Johnny Carson Collection E01 Best of 60s 70s
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00:00From New York, The Tonight Show, starring Johnny Dunn, and now is Johnny!
00:30He's running away from now!
00:33You've got a chance!
00:37You've got the chance!
00:39You've got the chance!
00:42When will you get to that?
00:46What the hell am I this?
00:50You're right!
00:54He's running away from now!
00:57What else happened today?
01:02Let's see what it was in the paper today.
01:03Ethel Kennedy is expecting again.
01:07Did you read that in the paper today?
01:08Senator and Mrs. Kennedy are expecting their tenth child.
01:12I understand Ethel Kennedy is demanding a civilian review board.
01:18And I probably shouldn't say this,
01:23because we had the vice president on, you know,
01:25Hubert Humphrey on our show in California,
01:28but I understand he's starting a little campaign.
01:30He's calling the Kennedys at home, you know,
01:31anonymously at various times during the day,
01:34saying, psst, there's only one bathroom in the White House.
01:40You have to work on that one a little bit.
01:41We have a good show tonight.
01:43Stay where you are.
01:44We'll continue.
01:52You know how much my vote costs?
01:54What?
01:54$2,500.
01:56A 29-foot boat that costs $2,500.
02:01Yours costs 1,000 a foot,
02:03and mine don't even cost 100 a foot.
02:05Do you have ship to shore on yours?
02:08Yes.
02:09I don't.
02:09Do you know why?
02:10No.
02:11So much smoke and steam pours out of the boat
02:14that people come to give me help
02:16when I don't even ask.
02:17You can take your boat out anywhere, right?
02:29Well, except in heavy weather.
02:30Heavy weather, like in the Hudson River.
02:32Sure.
02:33Anytime, right?
02:33Yes.
02:34Not me.
02:35I sit in it and wait for the tide to take me.
02:41What?
02:41Just the other day,
02:42I got to the other side of the marina.
02:44How are you?
02:47You see?
02:49When I yell,
02:50Ahoy!
02:51You know who I'm yelling to?
02:52I'm not a guy in the boat.
02:57Do you have a depth finder?
02:59Do I have a depth finder?
03:01You don't think I'm going to put that in the water, do you?
03:07Maybe you misunderstood the question.
03:15Okay, Bingo.
03:17Well, shall we have a go at it?
03:18Get your axe and let's go.
03:19All right.
03:25What is the trick on it?
03:26You throw underhanded?
03:27No.
03:28Oh, overhanded there.
03:29It's an overhand throw.
03:30Well, the trick is to keep your arm extended
03:32and that way you break the microphone.
03:35You know, you keep your arm extended
03:36and put only one revolution on the...
03:40Once around.
03:41Once around on the way.
03:43But that's indefinite.
03:45All right.
03:47Right.
03:48Right.
04:00You think I'm going in with another business, huh?
04:14You think I'm going in with another business, huh?
04:31I didn't even know you were doing it.
04:33But you know, Johnny, I've watched you so often and you sit here and I heard that you played a little drum.
04:48You didn't get up with Louis to do a thing.
04:50No, no.
04:51I heard you could sing, but with me, you are going to sing.
04:54And he didn't know about this either.
04:55It's all that weird.
04:56You know what hurts me?
04:57I didn't even have to pull him.
04:58He got up.
04:59This is ad lit, isn't it?
05:00This is ad lit.
05:01Oh.
05:02Oh.
05:03Oh.
05:04Oh.
05:05If you don't have to, you will have to...
05:06You know what hurts me?
05:07I didn't even have to pull him.
05:08He got up.
05:09This is ad lit.
05:10This is ad lit.
05:11And he didn't know about this either.
05:15All that new.
05:19You know what hurts me?
05:20I didn't even have to pull him, he got up.
05:24This is that new, isn't it?
05:29From the top.
05:30Love, da, da, da.
05:34Now.
05:35It's very clear.
05:36Our love is here to stay.
05:41Why is our love here?
05:43Why is it here?
05:44Not for a year, but forever and today.
05:52Go on.
05:57Telephones.
05:58And.
06:01And.
06:02And.
06:03The movies.
06:04That we know.
06:06Oh yes.
06:07Are only passing fans.
06:09Passing fans.
06:12And in time.
06:13Yes.
06:14They may go.
06:15Don't leave me Johnny, don't leave me.
06:34They may go.
06:35Hey.
06:36The rock is waiting.
06:37It may go.
06:38It may go.
06:39Hey.
06:40Come on.
06:41Come on.
06:42Hey, come on.
06:43Come on.
06:44Hey, come on.
06:45Hey, come on.
06:46Here are only may.
06:48Hey, come on.
06:49Hail all we made!
06:51Hail all we made
06:53Cause
06:55Yours, Johnny
06:57Our
07:01Please, honey, we're through anyhow on this thing
07:03Yeah
07:07But our
07:09Love
07:11Is here
07:13He said our
07:15Love is here
07:17I just said
07:19Our
07:21Love
07:23Is here
07:25That's French
07:27Our love is here
07:29To
07:31Do what?
07:33Stay
07:47I was coming in from Baltimore to do the show
07:49And
07:50Well
07:51I was on the train there
07:52And I'm settling my seat
07:53I'm very relaxed
07:54Very relaxed
07:55And the first thought that passed through my mind was to
07:57Familiarize myself with the surroundings
07:59And I glanced across the aisle
08:01And I noticed that the lady occupying the seat there
08:04Had her baby with her
08:06Ugly baby
08:07Bad looking baby
08:09You know
08:10Bad looking baby
08:11Now generally I'd hesitate about passing an opinion about somebody's kid
08:14But this was
08:15Even if I don't say it
08:16It's an ugly baby
08:17I
08:19I only took one quick look like
08:21Like that in my soul
08:23In from the front of the coach comes this guy the guys
08:26He's had a few
08:27And as he approached the section where the woman was with the baby
08:30He stomps
08:31And he's staring
08:32Like that
08:33And the woman
08:35The woman's watching him
08:36She's watching him from the corner of her eyes
08:37She says to him
08:38What are you looking at?
08:39The guy says
08:40I'm looking at that ugly baby
08:44That's a bad looking baby lady
08:52You'd save a lot of money with that baby
08:56You don't have to hire any babysitter
08:58Nobody's gonna bother that kid
08:59The lady gets offended
09:04She gets offended
09:06Does that make sense?
09:11As he pulls the emergency cord
09:13The train stop
09:14There's a big scene in there
09:15Well everybody's crowding around there
09:16And you know the guy who goes through the train
09:17Selling those 25 cent sandwiches for a buck and a half
09:22He comes in
09:23Big scene the conductor comes in
09:24The conductor says
09:25What's going on here?
09:26What's going on here?
09:27And the lady says
09:28I don't have to spend my money
09:29And ride this railroad
09:30And be insulted
09:31Conductor said
09:32Now calm down
09:33He said
09:34Madam the Pennsylvania Railroad
09:35Will go to any length
09:37To avoid having differences between the passengers
09:39He said
09:40Perhaps it would be more to your convenience
09:41If we were to rearrange your seating
09:43And as a small compensation from the railroad
09:45And as a small compensation from the railroad
09:47If you'll accompany me to the dining car
09:49We'll give you a free meal
09:50Maybe we'll find a banana for your monkey
09:52I'll find a banana for your monkey
09:53I'll find a banana for your monkey
09:54I'll find a banana for your monkey
09:55Thank you
09:56Thank you
09:57Thank you
09:58Thank you
09:59Thank you
10:00One of the funniest lines I've ever heard about.
10:30I clap your hands, take a deep breath, head up, and move from your lower back.
10:37Lady, you're going to get such a shock.
10:44Oh!
10:45I'm using the lower back.
10:47I'm using the lower back.
10:49All I can is all that's left of it.
10:52Shoulder straight.
10:53That's right.
10:54All right.
10:55Now bring it.
10:56Bring it.
10:57Bring what?
10:58Now bring your body back.
10:59Oh, sure.
11:00All of that feels really good.
11:13And now with the latest in weather, here's Al Sweet, your hippy-dippy weatherman.
11:26Hey, man, what's happening?
11:27Hey, man, what's happening?
11:28Hey, man, what's happening?
11:29And now with the latest in weather, here's Al Sleet, your hippy-dippy weatherman.
11:40Hey, baby, what's that noise?
11:50Kay Fossil!
11:54Al Sleet here, and I imagine some of you were a little surprised at the weather over the weekend.
11:59Uh, especially if you watch my show Friday night, man.
12:04I like to apologize for the weather, especially to the former residents of Rogers, Oklahoma.
12:13Talk them napping.
12:16I see the radar tonight is picking up a line of thundershowers,
12:19which extends from a .9 miles south-southeast of Chester, Pennsylvania,
12:23along a line and six miles either side of a line,
12:26to a .8 miles north-northeast of Secaucus, New Jersey.
12:30However, the radar is also picking up a squadron of Russian ICBM.
12:36So I wouldn't sweat the thundershowers.
12:43Johnny, I want to tell you something, I'm very glad to be here.
12:46And I'm going to tell you, without me, your show tonight would have been nothing.
13:00Here's a pretty fast lead.
13:02Oh, this is, uh, the eight troops are out here tonight.
13:03And I'm glad you saved me.
13:05Now, you know, because, uh, you know, when you come on last, you're, uh,
13:12did you ever get the feeling, uh, did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo
13:18and you wore a pair of brown shoes?
13:19One of those days, huh?
13:33And I have a feeling it's going to get worse before it gets better.
13:39I asked you about this before, and I think they thought you were making a joke.
13:42The fighter pilots.
13:42You were a pilot, right?
13:43Oh, yes.
13:44I was a, uh, I was a pilot during, uh, the war.
13:47You remember the wars and all the papers.
13:49I read, yes.
13:50I remember garbaging it.
13:52Well, I told you about that the last time I was on your show, you know,
13:54about, uh, I fought the whole war in Oklahoma.
13:57And, uh, I don't know why people laugh when I say that, you know,
14:01because that's evidently where they needed me or they wouldn't have sent me.
14:09Well, go ahead and laugh.
14:10I don't care.
14:11I'm very mildly mad, you know, but if you remember, you think back.
14:14No, first of all, I was an instructor.
14:16I was in V-26, V-89s first at Altus, Oklahoma,
14:20and then V-26s at Frederick, Oklahoma, and I was an instructor there.
14:24And if you think back, and I'm not mad at anybody or anything,
14:27but just remember, there was not one Japanese aircraft got past Tulsa.
14:32Oh, my God.
14:36Oh, my God.
14:41Oh, my God.
14:42Oh, my God.
14:46You know, you know what?
14:51We didn't even have guns on our airplane.
14:54And that record still stands, I understand.
14:57Yeah, to this day.
14:58To this day.
15:00I think I haven't checked the papers.
15:02Oh, well.
15:05I've been working all day.
15:07Of course you've been.
15:09What?
15:12Oh, yeah.
15:13What commercial were you shooting?
15:14Were you shooting a commercial today?
15:15Yeah.
15:18You don't believe it.
15:20Whatever you say.
15:23Exactly what time did I lose control of the show?
15:26One of the most exciting visits when we come to the West Coast is a great visit from our Easterner.
15:33The great sage, seer, soothsayer, famous mystic, all-obniscient, and former tax advisor to Governor Reagan,
15:44Karnak the Magnificent.
15:46Now, would you tell me, who was your last employer?
16:07Can I have that?
16:08I work 30 years as faithful sidekick for Kimasabe.
16:12Hunt, fish, make food, sew clothes, sweep up, stay awake all night, listen for enemies for Kimasabe, risk life for Kimasabe.
16:2130 lousy years.
16:23Let your fingers do the walking.
16:35Let your fingers do the walking.
16:37Hey, that really kicked out.
16:42I told you, remember?
16:47Could I do it a couple of minutes?
16:53No.
16:54No.
16:55Just give me a break.
16:57I'm so lonely.
16:59Get out of here.
17:03No.
17:04No.
17:04No.
17:05You know, we're going to talk a little bit about pollution tonight.
17:25We have Dr. Paul Erick and Mr. Ben Waterman with us
17:27and ecology and so forth and population explosion.
17:30But the Hudson is bad.
17:31It is really bad.
17:33Uh, I went over there, I saw a fisherman today.
17:36He turned his back for a second and his worm made a break for it.
17:50That's a minor word.
17:51Hello, Freud.
17:53Hello, Freud.
17:54Hello, Freud.
17:55Hello, Freud.
17:56He also changes his voice.
17:58Oh, this is funny.
18:02Finally happened.
18:03This is...
18:03How does the kitty go?
18:04Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
18:06How does the kitty go?
18:07Meow, meow, meow, meow.
18:08Move the mic over.
18:09The bird does impressions.
18:11How are you?
18:13Freud?
18:14How are you?
18:14The doggy go.
18:15Ow, ow, ow, ow.
18:16The doggy go.
18:17How does the doggy go?
18:20And she barks.
18:22Call the kitty.
18:23Call the kitty?
18:24Say, how do you call it?
18:24How do you call the kitty?
18:25Call the kitty.
18:27Well, how do you call the kitty?
18:29Yeah, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
18:36You saw it here on this show.
18:38A bird calling a cat.
18:41That's a gutsy bird.
18:45That's remarkable.
18:46I've got a list of things I can ask here.
18:48That's right.
18:48That they gave me.
18:49Call the kitty.
18:51Call the kitty.
18:52How does the kitty go?
18:53Meow, meow, meow, meow.
18:55All righty.
18:56How does the monkey go?
19:03That's wrong.
19:04That's wrong?
19:04He makes a different noise.
19:05Ask him again.
19:06How does the monkey go?
19:08No, no, you should ask him how does...
19:10Yeah, the monkey.
19:11That's right.
19:11The monkey.
19:11How does the monkey go?
19:14Very good.
19:15I do the choreography.
19:20How does the duck go?
19:22Freud?
19:23Crawl the kitty.
19:24Not bad.
19:26How does the duck go?
19:29Ask him the duck again.
19:30The duck.
19:31Quack, quack.
19:32Duck.
19:34How does the wolf go?
19:38This is the city.
19:59Los Angeles, California.
20:02Some people rob for pleasure.
20:04Some rob because it's there.
20:05You never know.
20:07My name's Friday.
20:08I'm a cop.
20:09I was working the day watch out of robbery when I got a call from the Acme School Bell Company.
20:13There'd been a robbery.
20:15There's been a robbery.
20:18Yes, sir.
20:18What was it?
20:19My clappers.
20:27Your clappers.
20:28Yeah, you know those things inside a bell that makes them clang?
20:33The clangers.
20:34That's right.
20:35We call them clappers in the business.
20:37A clapper caper.
20:41What's that?
20:43Nothing, sir.
20:43Now, can I have the facts?
20:45What kind of clappers were stolen on this caper?
20:47They were copper clappers.
20:48And where were they kept?
20:53In the closet.
20:55Uh-huh.
20:56You have any ideas who might have taken the copper clappers from the closet?
21:00Well, just one.
21:01I fired a man.
21:02He swore he'd get even.
21:04What was his name?
21:05Claude Cooper.
21:10You think he...
21:11That's right.
21:12I think Claude Cooper copped my copper clappers.
21:16Kept in the closet.
21:18You know where this Claude Cooper is from?
21:21Yeah.
21:22Cleveland.
21:22That figures.
21:24That figures.
21:25What makes it worse?
21:26They were clean.
21:28Clean copper clappers.
21:30That's right.
21:31Why do you think Cleveland's Claude Cooper would cop your clean copper clappers kept in your closet?
21:41Only one reason.
21:48What's that?
21:50He's a kleptomaniac.
21:54Who first discovered the copper clappers were copped?
21:57My cleaning woman.
21:59Clara Clifford.
22:03That figures.
22:05Now let me see if I got the facts straight here.
22:08Cleaning woman Clara Clifford discovered your clean copper clappers
22:11kept in a closet were copped by Claude Cooper,
22:14the kleptomaniac from Cleveland.
22:15Now is that about it?
22:22One other thing.
22:23What's that?
22:24If I ever catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland
22:26who copped my clean copper clappers from kept in the closet...
22:29Yes?
22:31I'll clobber him.
22:42Carnac is attempting to divine an answer while you're sitting here...
22:46giggling.
22:47May I have silence, please?
22:49Yes.
22:49You've had it many times before.
22:59Okay.
23:00All right.
23:00Now come forward so the shoe won't bounce off and hit your leg.
23:04See?
23:05Just...
23:05Now just don't move.
23:07Now don't you move unless I tell you.
23:08Look out!
23:25We've, uh...
23:25We never met until just backstage a moment ago, did we?
23:28That's why I was cursed.
23:29Oh.
23:33Hi, hi.
23:34I'll think of something.
23:39Uh...
23:39Are you married?
23:43Oh.
23:47I'll...
23:48Put that down as a no.
23:53Oh.
24:04What am I doing?
24:24What the hell am I doing?
24:28Can I just...
24:29Can I just hit it easily first just to see what it...
24:32Just, you know, kind of...
24:33You have to hit it right on the...
24:39You hit right, right up the...
24:41And all the way through really quick.
24:43We'll be right back, right after this one.
24:51Alpo Beef Chunk's Dinner is the only one of the three leading canned dog foods that does have real beef.
25:12Right.
25:14Nourishing meat byproducts and real beef, plus soy, vitamins, and minerals.
25:19The real beef could be the reason.
25:21Hernandez here.
25:22You heard him cry.
25:23Come here, dear.
25:23Come on.
25:24Come here.
25:24Here it is.
25:25Come on.
25:26Come on up.
25:26Come on.
25:27Right here.
25:28There you go.
25:29Okay.
25:30He's a little frightened.
25:31I'll put it down further.
25:32De-horn.
25:33There you go.
25:37Come on.
25:38Come on.
25:39Come on.
25:41Come on, dog.
25:46Well, the Hernandez is a little...
25:48Little...
25:49Yes, please.
25:50Come right.
25:51Yes, please.
25:52Hern...
25:52Nice Hernandez.
25:53Yes.
25:54Nice Hernandez.
25:56Alpo.
25:57The next time you find yourself looking at the...
26:01Endos.
26:02Yes, nice Hernandez.
26:04It is a reach of the can that contains real beef.
26:08Alpo.
26:09That way you can be sure of giving your dog the meat byproducts and the meat he loves.
26:14Now, doesn't your dog deserve Alpo?
26:16Alpo.
26:17You can be sure of them.
26:25You can be sure of them.
26:27You can be sure of them.
26:29Oh, my God.
26:59Oh, my God.
27:29Oh, my God.
27:59Oh, my God.
28:29Oh, my God.
28:31You're a good nerve.
28:33What?
28:33You always keep healthy.
28:35I always keep healthy.
28:36Yes, I'm a great health.
28:37And you have a good back, but you have a tendency to walk like a rooster when you come.
28:42Well, would you like to know why?
28:46This is bad.
28:52And you can make up your own joke, folks.
28:55You're very sexy, no, no.
28:59Excuse me?
29:00You're very sexy.
29:01You have hair on your, on your toes.
29:06A song in my heart.
29:07You will marry again, of course, time.
29:11I will what?
29:12You will remarry.
29:13Oh.
29:13That's all I need, honey.
29:31With, with, not with a woman.
29:33Not with a woman?
29:34I mean, I mean, I mean, there's a woman.
29:42There's a man in my foot.
29:45What are these back here?
29:46What are these?
29:47I saw them here last night.
29:49They're left over from that bit we did with the pancake thing.
29:53Oh, two weeks ago.
29:54We did that.
29:54Before you went to Honolulu.
29:55That lady was on the show two weeks ago.
29:56Yeah, they're done now.
29:58And we're still here?
29:59They're ready.
30:00Get the syrup.
30:03Cleaning lady didn't make it this week, huh?
30:04They've been sitting here, yeah.
30:05Look at this.
30:05You believe this.
30:07Oh, what a, what a mess.
30:08As Billy DeWolf says, Mr. DeWolf says, Mrs. Beamish.
30:12Now, why are you putting that all over on me?
30:13I just cleaned you off.
30:14I wasn't sure.
30:15I was just cleaning off the desk.
30:17You've got her hair right here.
30:20All right.
30:21Why don't we, uh, do that?
30:25Stop.
30:46I knew this would get out in public sooner or later.
30:50They purr.
30:51Relax.
30:51They say if you look an animal right in the face and talk to them,
30:53you'd say, then they don't know you're not scared.
30:56God!
31:03Hi.
31:04Do you mind if I talk to you for just a minute?
31:07I just want to say a few words about diarrhea.
31:14Do you see what's happening to the women athletes in Montreal?
31:18They are making them take a sex test.
31:21That is true.
31:22That's absolutely true.
31:23To compete in the Olympic Games, first the woman has to qualify to make the team.
31:26Then they go to Montreal and have to prove that they are a woman.
31:30And they have, they are subjecting the women athletes up there to a, a sex test to prove that they are,
31:36they have two ways of doing it.
31:37Uh, uh, no, let me, let me, let me point them out.
31:44You may have yours.
31:45I got mine.
31:45Uh, they can either take the physical examination by a doctor or they can go on a date with one
31:51of our congressmen.
32:01Dippity-doo.
32:02Dippity-doo.
32:06What forms on your dippity early in the morning?
32:08Now, as you know, the San Diego Zoo is one of the finest zoos in the world, and we've
32:19had this young lady on the show very often the past, um, I guess, seven or eight years
32:23she's been appearing with us.
32:24About nine years.
32:25Hmm?
32:26About nine years.
32:27Right, yeah.
32:28Several plus several would be about nine.
32:30You said seven or eight.
32:33No, I said seven.
32:33No, I didn't say seven or eight.
32:34I said several.
32:35Then you said seven or eight, and I said nine.
32:37Nine, yes.
32:38Nine, nine.
32:38Good, thank you.
32:41Some of the animals, some of the animals you had as babies are now ten years old.
32:47That would be about right.
32:54Um...
32:54Remember the animals that did something funny on your tie?
32:58Yes.
32:59Those little lions, the little baby lions were one year old.
33:02That's right.
33:02They are now treacherous and ferocious ten-year-old animals.
33:06Okay.
33:08Anyway, Joan, uh, Joan Embry is here tonight.
33:11And she's now 32.
33:12That's right.
33:17Joan is an animal handler and a trainer.
33:20And, uh, you really think you're fooling everybody, don't you?
33:24No, no, no, no.
33:25And she also...
33:26I'm just here to do my best to help you.
33:27I know that.
33:28And she does her three horse shows a day.
33:30Did you know that?
33:31At the animal park.
33:33Boy.
33:34What?
33:34What an exciting idea.
33:40Would you like an army cotter or something?
33:42Maybe just a...
33:44Kind of catch up on a little nappy poo?
33:46Just might snap you right out of it.
33:47Okay.
33:48I love Joan.
33:48I'm the only one who went down to see Joan.
33:50Doc has never seen her.
33:51You've never seen her.
33:52I went to the wild animal farm.
33:54It's all right.
33:55It's all right.
33:56It's okay.
33:57But you're upsetting me.
33:58You're upsetting me.
33:59No, no.
33:59I don't upset you.
34:00I went down Joan and I...
34:01I know you did.
34:02That's all right.
34:03I know you did.
34:03That's all right.
34:04Don't say...
34:06What?
34:07I don't...
34:08I know her.
34:08I went down and...
34:09Oh, I know you did.
34:11I know you went down there.
34:14I held a baby gorilla.
34:15I couldn't go with you that week.
34:17You held a baby gorilla.
34:18Good.
34:19All right.
34:19And let's get her out here quickly.
34:21Who is you?
34:22Welcome.
34:22Joan Embry.
34:23Those are...
34:24These are orangutans.
34:26And this is really a very special occasion to have twins.
34:30These are twins.
34:32And they are...
34:34Oh, excuse me.
34:47I don't mean to laugh at your face.
34:48It's a very sweet face.
34:50Really is.
34:51Look at that face.
34:52Can he see me?
34:54I mean...
34:54Oh, yes.
34:55Oh, sure.
34:56And he'll laugh.
34:57If you laugh at him, he'll usually laugh.
34:59Will he laugh for you?
35:00Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
35:12Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
35:42Do you know what these are, boys and girls?
35:45That's right.
35:46These are baby shoes.
35:49And you know what?
35:50Mr. Rogers was once a baby a long, long time ago.
35:54And do you know how babies suddenly appear in the world where before there weren't any around?
36:00Well, I know, and I'll show you.
36:03This is a mommy doll and a daddy doll.
36:08And they love each other very, very much.
36:12So what they do...
36:15At night, they get under the covers.
36:23And nine months later, mommy doll looks like this.
36:30So daddy doll takes mommy doll...
36:34to the hospital.
36:37They go into the hospital.
36:40And the very next day, out comes mommy doll and her new baby doll.
36:47Then the daddy doll comes out to take them home.
36:51Whoops.
36:52It looks like daddy doll has made a new friend, Miss Nurse Doll.
37:01And they'd better be careful because nine months later, Miss Nurse Doll might look like this.
37:07And then it's all over for daddy.
37:11Because that's when mommy doll comes in and calls in, Mr. Lawyer Doll.
37:17Who does to daddy doll what daddy doll did to mommy doll nine months earlier.
37:22You ever see David Janssen's commercial for Excedrin?
37:30Man looks like a headache.
37:31See, when I was a kid, we were never allowed to have headaches.
37:47See, my folks grew up during the Depression.
37:49So consequently, they make you feel very guilty about everything, you know?
37:53I mean, even now I go home for a weekend.
37:55Hey, Dad, pass the salt.
37:57We never had salt when we were kids.
37:58We had to live without salt.
38:01We didn't have underwear or potatoes.
38:03We ate dirt every day of the week.
38:07Your mother and I hunted wild dog for food.
38:09We had nothing when we were your age.
38:17Come on, I dare you.
38:19I dare you to knock this battery off my shoulder.
38:24Come on, I double dare you.
38:25My pantyhose make me look like I'm not wearing nothing.
38:31My pantyhose make me look like I'm not wearing nothing.
38:34Now, hold it, you little teasers.
38:36Now, come on.
38:39Admit it, you're really wearing something, aren't you?
38:42Yes, we are.
38:43Well, I'm not.
38:48Okay, I'll tell you it was really hot today.
38:52I'll tell you it was worth the trip in, wasn't it?
38:58Just to...
38:59It was so hot today, I saw a...
39:03It was so hot today, I saw a robin dipping his worm in nest tea.
39:10It was, uh...
39:11It was so hot today, I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles.
39:19It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, if you want it your way, cook it yourself.
39:29I thought it's going to be a little hot.
39:30Sir, how do you spell relief?
39:35Otherwise, I spell relief.
39:37I spell it R-O-L-E-V.
39:40All right.
39:41Hello, this is Steve Martin.
39:46I'm away from the phone right now, so your call is being answered by an expensive telephone answering machine.
39:52It was also, incidentally, my wife.
39:56So if you'll leave your message when you hear the beep, I'll be happy to call you back.
40:02Now, let's introduce the rewind.
40:06Should I rewind it?
40:08Now, let's place back all the messages you've received.
40:10Right.
40:10Well, Steve, this is Fred down in the garage.
40:14Yeah, we were able to fix that lighter.
40:17No problem at all.
40:19Cost about eight bucks, I guess.
40:21Please call when you get in.
40:23All right.
40:25Steve, this is Jimmy Hoffa.
40:27Give me a call when you get a chance.
40:33Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
40:35Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
40:37It's my cat.
40:38Steve, this is Trudy.
40:43Don't be embarrassed about the other night.
40:45It can happen to any guy.
40:52Hello, Steve.
40:53This is Victoria.
40:54Don't be embarrassed about the other night.
40:56It doesn't mean you're not a man.
40:59Talk to you later.
41:00Steve, this is Bill.
41:05Don't be embarrassed.
41:12Hi, diddle, diddle.
41:17Hi, diddle, diddle.
41:20How do you greet your diddle, diddle in the morning?
41:24Hi, diddle, diddle.
41:25I didn't know.
41:27Like him.
41:29I didn't know that you've been seeing him.
41:31I just...
41:31An analyst.
41:32I just told you I was seeing...
41:34Why don't you listen to me?
41:36Burt Parks is available 364 days a year.
41:39Do you know that?
41:40One day he works.
41:41He can be here every night.
41:44You know, I've been depressed lately.
41:46Depressed?
41:47Depressed.
41:49Yes.
41:51Depressed.
41:51Why do you repeat everything?
41:54If I can go to Taco Bell for that.
41:56Why do you...
41:56I got a...
42:01I have a dog, a lovely animal.
42:03It's a Belgian airhead.
42:04Beautiful animal.
42:05And smart as a whip, too.
42:08I'm feeding him that dog food.
42:11It's numbered.
42:12I'm not sure what it is, but they got it for everything.
42:13One for the puppy.
42:14Two for the middle dog.
42:15You know, three for the gay dog.
42:17Four for the...
42:18Whatever.
42:18On up.
42:20The psych...
42:21I'm looking at this can, and it says on there,
42:23for the dog that suffers constipation.
42:26You know, the way I look at it, if your dog is constipated,
42:29why screw up a good thing, huh?
42:33That's good.
42:37Sure.
42:43So, um...
42:45Sleep in in the morning.
42:49Let him bloat.
42:50What do you care?
42:57So, I'm buying the animal, the dog food,
43:01and there's this one.
43:02I'm not sure of the brand, but it says,
43:04all beef, not a speck of cereal.
43:06Not a speck of cereal.
43:07It's a point of pride here.
43:08Not a speck of cereal.
43:10My dog spends his day rooting through garbage and drinking out of the toilet.
43:17Chances are, he's not going to mind a speck of cereal, you know?
43:20I think you'll realize when it's there, a little bit more about it,
43:36in relation to your arm, the size.
43:38They only live three months.
43:40They go in the larval stage and...
43:42Can you imagine waking up at night and seeing this in your bedroom?
43:47Oh.
43:47Oh.
43:49Wow.
43:50Now, what do they subsist on?
43:51Well, this feeds on almost anything.
43:55They apparently have a very wide...
43:56But they breed in these hollow, rotten logs,
44:02and the male is very aggressive during the mating season.
44:06He bulldozes the male.
44:07I don't believe it.
44:08See this hinge point right here?
44:09Yeah.
44:10Don't put your finger there,
44:11because they'll snap shut on your finger at that point.
44:15It's quite a pinching animal.
44:16I see.
44:17Now, is that...
44:17They trap their prey in there, or what?
44:19Or just...
44:19No, that's when they're fighting.
44:21When they're fighting.
44:21If one gets up here on his back,
44:23another male, he'll lock on it, roll over, and...
44:26That's incredible.
44:27That is really incredible.
44:28If you'll put him back on here, this is his...
44:29How do I pick him up?
44:30He eats bananas, huh?
44:33How do you like that for a...
44:34Do I pick him right here?
44:35Yeah, just pick him up there and put him right back.
44:38That's all you have to do.
44:39He can't get back.
44:40In fact, he doesn't have any mandible for eating.
44:44Oh, I'm sorry.
44:47Wait a minute.
44:49Take the stick.
44:54That's all right.
44:54Wait a minute.
44:54Wait a minute.
44:55I thought he'd go under the stick.
45:08I thought he'd go under the stick.
45:10Well, you thought he'd go under the stick.
45:11Sure, Jim.
45:12Now I know why Marlon stays in the tent.
45:16All right.
45:19By the way, this can move quite rapidly.
45:21I noticed that.
45:23Does he know the banana's there?
45:25Of course, they normally don't find him, I suppose, in nature, tied with string on a branch, do they?
45:31That's a very crazy tree, you know.
45:33I don't think he's there with it.
45:36What's he doing?
45:38You didn't tell me he could fly.
45:40I didn't know he could fly.
45:41Well, what the hell else don't you know about him?
45:50If you don't know where you fly, you don't know he could be poisonous, right?
45:54This is going to turn out to be the flying poisonous insect and has nothing to do with being a Goliath beetle.
46:00I do know about this one.
46:01Well, I hope you know more about this, Jim, than you do about that.
46:03Well, let's see.
46:07Today is, of course, Tuesday, June the 14th.
46:12I lose track.
46:14But do you know what the anniversary is today?
46:16No.
46:19No?
46:20The Army.
46:20The United States Army was founded today.
46:23This day in 1775.
46:29So, to commemorate this historic event, as you go to dinner tonight, put some saltpeter in your dinner.
46:43You had to get used to it, really.
46:45Have you always been rather...
46:47Zoftic?
46:49What would they call that when you grew up in Tennessee?
46:51I can't say.
46:53Zoftic, healthy, I guess.
46:58Bosomy.
46:58Bosomy?
46:59Yeah, I guess that would be what they'd say.
47:01But, what did you ask me just before that?
47:05Have you always...
47:06Oh, well, yeah.
47:08You were young, I mean...
47:08I've always been pretty well blessed.
47:09People are always asking if they're real and...
47:12Oh, I would never.
47:14I would never, you see.
47:15No, you don't have to ask.
47:16I would not.
47:16I'll tell you what.
47:17These are my...
47:18I have certain guidelines on this.
47:19You do?
47:20I usually say...
47:22But I would give about a year's pay to peek under there.
47:25I cannot tell you how tacky I feel right now for saying that, but I had to get it out, you know.
47:48And, uh, what's today, Thursday?
47:51Thursday.
47:51Tomorrow's Friday?
47:52Friday.
47:53Who do we have tomorrow?
47:54I don't know.
47:55Well, I...
47:56I'm not going to be here, I don't know.
47:59Are you putting me on?
48:00No, I'm off...
48:01I'm going to be out of town tomorrow, so...
48:03What do you mean you're going to be out of town?
48:04I'm going to be...
48:05Tomorrow's Friday.
48:06I know that, but I can take a day off once in a while.
48:08You certainly invented it.
48:09I'm going to be out of town tomorrow.
48:24I'm going to be out of town tomorrow, so...
48:28I'm going to be out of town tomorrow, so...
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