- 17 hours ago
Premiere Show: intro by Groucho Marx; guests: Joan Crawford, Rudy Vallee, Tony Bennett, Mel Brooks.
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00:00:00Johnny Carson is still considered the master of the monologue, and hearing this clip from 1981 is proof positive.
00:00:07Who else but Johnny could keep the audience laughing with jokes like these?
00:00:22Now, come on, be perfectly honest. Are you applauding me or the fact that the roof does not leak here at NBC?
00:00:30The crowd's in a good mood for this funky weather we've been having.
00:00:33What are you sitting down playing? What is that?
00:00:35I'm here with Slim Whitman.
00:00:38Slim Whitman's with us.
00:00:38Yes.
00:00:39Yeah.
00:00:39Yes.
00:00:40Slim Whitman is here.
00:00:41Now, I've been over to the Alvino Ray Guitar School.
00:00:45Do you know how to play that?
00:00:46Then we can also iron your shirts on.
00:00:50Okay.
00:00:52Why do I get into this?
00:00:53Anyway, I'm Johnny Carson, a firm believer in Darwin's theory of comedy.
00:01:00Tonight, you're about to hear two million-year-old jokes that have adapted to the environment and have survived.
00:01:07It's known as the monologue wrecks.
00:01:11Any tourists here tonight?
00:01:18Welcome to the mud and slush belt.
00:01:21We have had a couple of thunderstorms the past week that have been dynamite.
00:01:26Last night, it opened up again.
00:01:27And it's still hazy out.
00:01:30It may rain again tonight.
00:01:30Yes.
00:01:31It is very wet out there, I want to tell you.
00:01:32How wet is it?
00:01:35Thank you, class.
00:01:35Very good.
00:01:37It's so wet out there today, I saw a robin at a laundromat waiting for his worm to come out of the spin dry cycle.
00:01:43All right, what do you got?
00:01:52There's some good news and bad news.
00:01:54Uh-oh.
00:01:55Good news is the American auto sales went up substantially, 21% over last year.
00:02:01I think that was stimulated by the rebate program.
00:02:05Good news is the rebate checks were just recalled by the Goodyear Rubber Company.
00:02:08Yeah, I got it.
00:02:12Rubber checks, yeah.
00:02:13Rubber checks.
00:02:15My producer's explaining the jokes to me.
00:02:20There's some kind of sweet things in the news today.
00:02:22Last night, the Ronald Reagan celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary.
00:02:27It was kind of sweet.
00:02:2729 years ago, Ronnie asked, uh, the parson asked Ronnie.
00:02:32He said, uh, I'm going to get this correct because there's a joke here.
00:02:35What happened, uh, 20?
00:02:3729 years ago?
00:02:37Yeah, what happened?
00:02:38Well, the parson asked Ronnie.
00:02:39He says, do you take this, uh, woman to be your lawfully, the wedded wife?
00:02:44The parson couldn't speak very well.
00:02:46That's right.
00:02:48Well, he was nervous.
00:02:49They were both actors.
00:02:51And Ronnie said, well...
00:02:54Oh, to hell with it.
00:02:55I don't like that joke.
00:03:03Don't...
00:03:03You don't...
00:03:05What?
00:03:05You don't have to play Johnny Olsen when I do a joke.
00:03:09Hey, how about that?
00:03:13Wait a minute.
00:03:14I think you do tonight.
00:03:15What are you doing over here?
00:03:27What are you getting ready?
00:03:28I'm not done yet.
00:03:30Oh, yes.
00:03:30I give a million dollars for a straight man.
00:03:37I don't have any straight...
00:03:39Anyway, what was I talking about?
00:03:40Anything important?
00:03:42Here's some show business news.
00:03:43Kind of sad.
00:03:44I hate to report things like this.
00:03:46It was, uh...
00:03:47Excuse me?
00:03:48Oh.
00:03:48Oh, I thought maybe you were having a meeting with the writers.
00:03:58Were they here today?
00:04:00What?
00:04:00Were they here today?
00:04:01Yes, they were here today.
00:04:06And I wish I'd have seen them.
00:04:08Here's some sad show business news.
00:04:14It was announcing.
00:04:17You like it when I struggle, don't you?
00:04:20You really love that.
00:04:21Okay.
00:04:22Okay.
00:04:22Lonnie Anderson, the luscious star of WKRP's Cincinnati television show, apparently is divorcing
00:04:32her husband.
00:04:33Oh.
00:04:35It should be an interesting case.
00:04:37I understand he's asking for half of what she's got.
00:04:43Okay.
00:04:43We have a, oh, one other little item.
00:04:45I'll just throw this in because I'm coming to the end of this anyway.
00:04:49Oh.
00:04:52In the newspaper today, a brothel in the state of Nevada, where they are legal, in certain
00:04:57counties, named Maud's Ranch, was impounded by the IRS for non-payment of taxes.
00:05:05Now, if you think about it, actually the IRS and the brothel have a lot in common.
00:05:08They provide the same service to the public.
00:05:09That's all.
00:05:14Anyway, good night.
00:05:22It took nearly half a century for Helen Bullock's accomplishments to land her on The Tonight
00:05:32Show.
00:05:33But was she still ever grateful?
00:05:34Uh, my first guest set a record at the World's Fair in 1940 for chopping and bagging wood.
00:05:43And our staff ever alert to fast news-breaking things.
00:05:491940.
00:05:491940.
00:05:50Well, we get around to these things.
00:05:51We've been busy.
00:05:52A record, she says, is unchallenged today.
00:05:54We thought you'd like to meet her.
00:05:55She's from Denver, Colorado.
00:05:56Would you welcome champion woodchopper Helen Bullock?
00:05:59You have a firm handshake, Helen.
00:06:15I know that.
00:06:15Yeah.
00:06:16Yeah, you really do.
00:06:17I know that.
00:06:17Good to see you.
00:06:18I guess I was born with it.
00:06:19Yeah.
00:06:19Welcome to the show.
00:06:20Welcome.
00:06:21Oh, Johnny.
00:06:22It's so nice to be here and meet you in person.
00:06:24Well, okay.
00:06:25You're from, uh, Colorado, Denver.
00:06:27Yes.
00:06:27Yeah.
00:06:28Did you have a nice trip out?
00:06:28Oh, wonderful.
00:06:29Good.
00:06:29Yeah.
00:06:30Best in the country.
00:06:31Yeah.
00:06:33Well, you've flown before.
00:06:34It's not your first trip, I think.
00:06:35Oh, yes.
00:06:35I know that.
00:06:36Yeah.
00:06:42You're quite a guy, you know.
00:06:43Well, yes, thank you.
00:06:46You're extremely lonely, aren't you?
00:06:55Lonely for you.
00:06:56No, I'm just teasing you.
00:06:58You're not easy there.
00:07:00I'm very susceptible, yeah.
00:07:02You know, Ed.
00:07:03You've met Ed before, haven't you?
00:07:04Yeah.
00:07:08You're a very, you're a very tactile person, aren't you?
00:07:11Oh, you, I am.
00:07:12I'm full of life.
00:07:13Touching is good.
00:07:13Not tonight, you and me.
00:07:14No, no, I'm full of life.
00:07:16No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:07:18Look, those days are past.
00:07:21Let him take any boy along.
00:07:22Well, he can go out with you.
00:07:26Yeah, he's just about right now.
00:07:29Oh, there you are.
00:07:30I can watch.
00:07:30So, where did we put you up in time here?
00:07:34Where are you staying?
00:07:35Was it nice?
00:07:36Oh, beautiful.
00:07:37Good.
00:07:37You ought to come up and see, though.
00:07:38No, no, no, no, no.
00:07:40Oh, no, no, I mean, just look it up if you're watching.
00:07:43There, Johnny, it's a beautiful place.
00:07:44Yeah.
00:07:44You want to know where?
00:07:46No, I just wonder where we put you up.
00:07:48But it's pretty, and you liked it and everything?
00:07:50Oh, yes.
00:07:51And did we send a car for you to bring you out?
00:07:53Yes, big, beautiful limousine.
00:07:54That's kind of nice, huh?
00:07:55Oh, yeah.
00:07:56Yeah.
00:07:56Too bad you wasn't on the back seat.
00:07:58Can't be company.
00:07:59There's a bra there, a television, all the convenience you want, but...
00:08:03When's the last time you made love?
00:08:10You're making a move on everybody.
00:08:14Hey, Helen, I know...
00:08:15Essentially, you, Johnny, you got something.
00:08:17You got something.
00:08:18I know you're...
00:08:19Really?
00:08:21I know you're teasing.
00:08:22What is this, coffee?
00:08:23That's coffee.
00:08:24Just plain coffee.
00:08:24Would you like something?
00:08:25Oh, that's what you drink.
00:08:25No.
00:08:26Would you like a glass of water, a little wine or something?
00:08:28A little wine or something?
00:08:29Wine?
00:08:30No.
00:08:30A little, um...
00:08:32Uh, no.
00:08:33This is not a cafeteria.
00:08:33I mean, it's not a request.
00:08:37You can have water or you can have wine, but you're not supposed to drink wine or liquor on television.
00:08:41Oh, that I know.
00:08:42I'm not a...
00:08:43Would you like some coffee?
00:08:44No.
00:08:44Don't you ever have a little cocktail once in a while?
00:08:46I'll have it with you.
00:08:47No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:08:50Anything you do?
00:08:51You want to do that, okay.
00:08:54Helen Bullock was a tough act to follow, but show business and comedy legend Steve Martin
00:08:58is up to the challenge in this memorable appearance in 1989.
00:09:02I don't know who could follow a woodchopper except this guy.
00:09:05He's a good friend, and I'm sure you know the star of a new movie that's one of the biggest hits in town.
00:09:11It's called Parenthood.
00:09:12Would you welcome Steve Martin?
00:09:13I'm sorry, I'm just on the lookout for Helen.
00:09:28Helen has an attraction for older, mature men.
00:09:46Have you noticed that?
00:09:47I haven't seen her since 1940.
00:09:48Yes, that's...
00:09:49She hasn't changed, has she?
00:09:53I saw her backstage looking for you with an ass.
00:09:58That was good to see you.
00:09:58That was good, wasn't it?
00:09:59Yeah, nice to be back.
00:10:00Yes.
00:10:00I'll have to be honest with you.
00:10:02I can't lie to you.
00:10:03We know each other too well.
00:10:04Sure.
00:10:04I have not seen Parenthood yet.
00:10:06Fine, fine.
00:10:11I only have the courage to keep going and be married.
00:10:14Wouldn't that be funny?
00:10:15You'd never come back at all?
00:10:17Never?
00:10:17Wouldn't that be funny?
00:10:18And you know...
00:10:24We don't want to mess up your routine on this.
00:10:26I mean, the number of times you've been here.
00:10:28This is yours.
00:10:28Somebody pointed out.
00:10:29Do you have any idea how many appearances you've made on the Tonight Show over the years?
00:10:32I think it's like 60 or something.
00:10:3466.
00:10:3566.
00:10:3666 times.
00:10:40I do have an idea because I always keep a diary of the show.
00:10:44And you know, how I did and what material I used and how it went over and things.
00:10:47That's interesting.
00:10:47Yeah, I've always kept that.
00:10:49A diary?
00:10:50I bring it down with me and like after the show I'll make quick notes on how it went.
00:10:54So I know what I did.
00:10:55So I don't, God forbid, ever repeat any material.
00:10:59Oh, that's right.
00:10:59That's a show business sin.
00:11:01That would be terrible, wouldn't it?
00:11:02I'd like to do something you did five years ago that no one remembered that went great and then do it again.
00:11:06Oh, man.
00:11:07Did you...
00:11:07Now, did you...
00:11:08Did you bring your diary tonight?
00:11:11Oh, I always have it with me.
00:11:13Well...
00:11:14You want me to read something for you?
00:11:14Yes.
00:11:15If it's not too personal.
00:11:16No, no, it's fine.
00:11:17Sure.
00:11:18If a diary is an intentionally personal possession, you know, and I wouldn't want you to...
00:11:21Well, I think every show business personality should keep a diary of how their shows went.
00:11:25Mm-hmm.
00:11:26Let's see.
00:11:26Here's one.
00:11:27December 8th, 1984.
00:11:28A Tonight Show.
00:11:29Good show.
00:11:30Went well.
00:11:30Lots of laughter.
00:11:31Ed, very funny.
00:11:33Johnny seems sluggish.
00:11:34Well, that can happen.
00:11:44I mean...
00:11:45We all have...
00:11:46Once in a while, you have an off night.
00:11:48Absolutely.
00:11:49Every performer has those.
00:11:50April 2nd, 1985.
00:11:51Great shot.
00:11:52I felt great.
00:11:53Audience was great.
00:11:54Wall-to-wall laughs.
00:11:55Everything seemed to work.
00:11:56Ed, funniest I have ever seen him.
00:11:59Johnny seems sluggish.
00:12:00Yeah, but this is 66 appearances you made.
00:12:08Oh, yeah, I did a lot, so...
00:12:09November 12th, 1985.
00:12:11Very funny.
00:12:12Appearance did longer than usual because things were going so well.
00:12:16Doc, exciting, colorful, and vibrant.
00:12:19Ed was hilarious.
00:12:21Johnny just didn't seem to be there.
00:12:27In fact, he wasn't there.
00:12:28It was Jay Leno.
00:12:30Comedy is true.
00:12:36Yeah, it's true.
00:12:38It's true.
00:12:38October 2nd, 1986.
00:12:40Sensational appearance.
00:12:42I was really on a roll.
00:12:43One of my best shots.
00:12:44Audience was really hot.
00:12:49And?
00:12:51About you?
00:12:52Oh, yeah.
00:12:52Sluggish.
00:12:56Let's see.
00:12:57September 24th, 1987.
00:12:58I was hysterical.
00:13:00Lots of ad-libbing that played all sensationally.
00:13:03Johnny was terrifically funny.
00:13:05Yeah.
00:13:05Yeah.
00:13:08There's a note here.
00:13:11If you can call sluggish...
00:13:13December 5th, 1987.
00:13:18Mmm.
00:13:18I was bad.
00:13:20Real bad.
00:13:22But compared to Johnny and Ed, I was...
00:13:24April 10th, 1988.
00:13:29Great show.
00:13:30One of my best.
00:13:31Audience seemed to love me.
00:13:32Big applause.
00:13:34Ed, Doc, Johnny.
00:13:35Sluggish, sluggish, sluggish.
00:13:37Sluggish.
00:13:37Well, there it is.
00:13:39How about tonight's show now?
00:13:41Well, I will fill out.
00:13:42After the show, you will fill in.
00:13:44I might as well do that now.
00:13:45Yes, why not?
00:13:46That's all.
00:13:47Mind if I borrow this?
00:13:47No, please.
00:13:48Well, let's see.
00:13:49The old diary up to date here.
00:13:50So, it'd be August 30th, 1989.
00:13:54Right.
00:13:54Great appearance.
00:13:56Top of my form.
00:13:59Audience loved me.
00:14:07Just underline that.
00:14:12Not only is the comedy funny, but it has depth and meaning.
00:14:19Much of the audience actually felt moved and laughed through their tears.
00:14:28See, Johnny.
00:14:32Two G's, I believe.
00:14:33Go smoke a herring.
00:14:43Just who has a more difficult start in life?
00:14:46Is it the shark or the little-known seabird, the sweat?
00:14:49Well, last night that fascinated me, it was on PBS, KECT out here, which is the public television, I don't know if any of you saw it, on animals, called the Olympian of Animals or Animal Olympics.
00:15:02Anybody see it?
00:15:02I don't know if any of you?
00:15:03I think that's what public television is having problems, yes.
00:15:04That's what the public television is having problems, yes.
00:15:05That's what the problem would be.
00:15:07In the way they were talking about man's brain being so highly developed, but animals that
00:15:14were really the specialists of the world.
00:15:15You know, there are animals that can run faster, they can stay in their water longer, they can
00:15:19certainly stay in the air, they can lift a hundred times their own weight, they can do
00:15:23all these things.
00:15:24And then they were talking about a bird.
00:15:26Did you know this?
00:15:27There's a bird called, I think, called the swit.
00:15:29Swit?
00:15:30Any bird lovers here?
00:15:31Is that, is that a bird, is there a bird called the swit?
00:15:35Yes.
00:15:36Did you know, did you know that the bird, and now this is fascinating to me, I'm just bringing
00:15:42it up to pass this along, there's a little educational feature.
00:15:45When the bird is born, for the first three years of its life, it never stops flying?
00:15:51Mmm.
00:15:52Mmm.
00:15:53Never.
00:15:54Never?
00:15:56It never lights.
00:15:57I was about to say that.
00:15:58Mmm.
00:15:59It blights for three years.
00:16:00Wow.
00:16:01It eats in the air, I guess, insects.
00:16:03It mates during flight.
00:16:05Boy.
00:16:06Well.
00:16:07Listen.
00:16:08That's why they call it the swit.
00:16:09I don't know, what does that mean?
00:16:13What does that mean?
00:16:14That's the silliest thing.
00:16:15That's the past of swat.
00:16:16I know, that's the swat.
00:16:17Yes.
00:16:18The swat, thank you.
00:16:20Mates in the air.
00:16:22Right.
00:16:23And even sleeps, apparently glides.
00:16:24Yeah.
00:16:25But for three years, the bird never...
00:16:27Yeah.
00:16:28Doesn't a shark continually swim?
00:16:29It never stops swimming.
00:16:31A shark never stops swimming.
00:16:33All its life.
00:16:34What's that got to do with my swim?
00:16:35Well, I mean, you're saying for the first three years, this is all its life, it never
00:16:39stops swimming.
00:16:40But this bird is in the air.
00:16:42This shark is in the water.
00:16:44It would be silly to see a shark flying around.
00:16:47Well, wait a minute.
00:16:48I fail to see the logic of this.
00:16:50A shark never stops swimming.
00:16:52A shark is buoyed by the water, its own weight.
00:16:55It can rest and move.
00:16:56But in the air, I mean...
00:17:00It's one thing to do this for three years.
00:17:03It's another to do this.
00:17:05I see what you mean.
00:17:06You see the difference?
00:17:07Yeah.
00:17:08I see the difference.
00:17:09Now, the bird lovers.
00:17:11Orthonologists, right?
00:17:12Yes.
00:17:13Now, am I right in that?
00:17:14Am I making that up?
00:17:15Or are you familiar with the sweat?
00:17:17Correct.
00:17:18Correct.
00:17:19Oh, isn't that amazing?
00:17:22Three.
00:17:23Are there any shark enthusiasts here?
00:17:25Okay.
00:17:26All right.
00:17:27All right.
00:17:28Fair as fair.
00:17:29Fair as fair.
00:17:30Now, is there anybody, an ichthyologist here?
00:17:32Yeah.
00:17:33Well, would you sit with the orthonologist?
00:17:36Is that true about a shark?
00:17:38Yeah.
00:17:39Ah-ha.
00:17:40They swim constantly?
00:17:41Yes.
00:17:42No.
00:17:43No.
00:17:44No, I don't think they...
00:17:45What?
00:17:46They never stop moving.
00:17:47They never stop moving?
00:17:48Oh, now, come on now.
00:17:49That's what I think.
00:17:50They'll die.
00:17:51What?
00:17:52They'll die.
00:17:53Because the water doesn't go through?
00:17:55It has to go through the gills.
00:17:56The water has to keep going through the gills?
00:17:58Yeah.
00:17:59Can they stop once in a while?
00:18:00No.
00:18:01Now, some people say, yes, they can stop.
00:18:02Once in a while, after dinner or something, they may have a cigarette.
00:18:05But, I mean, that's...
00:18:06Yeah.
00:18:07After sex, they smoke a herring.
00:18:10Right?
00:18:11Okay.
00:18:12As we all know, Aunt Blabby had a lot of issues in her life.
00:18:17But overcoming a sidekick who didn't know his lines was sometimes just too much to take.
00:18:23Now, it is time for a visit from someone we see too little of.
00:18:27She's been away all summer, taking a vacation in Europe.
00:18:31Would you please welcome dear, sweet, lovable, and old, Aunt Blabby.
00:18:37Get away from me.
00:18:38Hello, Aunt Blabby.
00:18:39I'm not falling down yet.
00:18:40We haven't seen you in so, so long a time.
00:18:43Yes.
00:18:44Bet you haven't seen your loafers in a long time either, have you?
00:18:46Right down there.
00:18:47I see you're the same old Aunt Blabby.
00:18:48Well, parts of me are.
00:18:49Oh, yes.
00:18:50Good to see you again.
00:18:52Nice to see you.
00:18:53You know, this is an air traffic controller strike.
00:18:54Yeah, I know that.
00:18:55Were you stacked up over L.A.?
00:18:56No, I wasn't then and I'm not now.
00:18:57I've never been stacked up over L.A.
00:18:58I've never been stacked up over L.A.
00:18:59Like to be stacked up over L.A.
00:19:00With the air traffic controllers out on strike.
00:19:01What?
00:19:02What?
00:19:03With the air traffic controllers out on strike.
00:19:04What are you seeing?
00:19:05Don't rush it, we got a long time.
00:19:06All right.
00:19:07Now that's the time.
00:19:08You're the same old Aunt Blabby.
00:19:09Andre, have you seen the same old Aunt Blabby?
00:19:10Well, parts of me are.
00:19:12I guess it's good to see you again.
00:19:13Nice to see you.
00:19:14You know, there's an air traffic controller strike.
00:19:15Yeah, I know that.
00:19:16Were you stacked up over L.A.?
00:19:18No, I wasn't then and I'm not now.
00:19:19I've never been stacked up over L.A.
00:19:20I'd like to be stacked up over L.A.
00:19:22What?
00:19:23With the air traffic controller on strike.
00:19:24What?
00:19:25strike. Don't rush it. We've got a long time. All right. Now that they're out on strike. Yes. Do you
00:19:31think it's dangerous to fly? Let me put it this way. This morning, the governor sentenced a
00:19:37condemned man to fly a 747 to Denver. I wish he'd have sent me to Denver. So you're saying,
00:19:46what you're saying is that it is dangerous at the airport. They nearly had a mid-air collision over
00:19:51the airport today. Yeah? What? Is that yeah? Where does it say yeah? What difference does it make? You're right. Yeah, Governor Jerry Brown almost flew into O.J. Simpson. They almost hit in the air. Yeah? Did you book your travel through a travel agent? No, I joined a travel group up in Northern California, Club Medfly. At the airport, the airport, you go through a fruit detector.
00:20:21Now, Aunt Blabby, today... He wouldn't get through.
00:20:26With that outfit.
00:20:31Hold up there anyway. Anyway, right now, the royal couple may be having a very romantic honeymoon. Are your eyes going, too?
00:20:44You know, if you would just get your lines out, I might have a shot at this.
00:20:51What money can buy. Here in 1989, Super Dave Osborne finds out just how far a few dollars well spent can go.
00:21:03Greatest daredevil superstar entertainer of our day, and it's a pleasure to know him. Would you welcome Super Dave Osborne?
00:21:14That's a Super Dave wallet for both of you.
00:21:16That's very nice.
00:21:17You're the only guest I ever have here who brings a gift.
00:21:18Yeah.
00:21:19Well, Jimmy, I hope you enjoy it.
00:21:20No, no, Johnny.
00:21:21Johnny.
00:21:22That's great.
00:21:23This may be the last time, as I was coming out here, one of your stage stands said, there goes Mr. Kiss'em Up, trying to give the star a gift.
00:21:30Well, it's so maybe this will be a guest, best of Carson. And I just wish people would take a person at face value and not think that everyone has an ulterior motive to try to get somewhere.
00:21:43Well, you're probably right.
00:21:45Look at this.
00:21:46It's very sweet.
00:21:47It's very sweet.
00:21:48It's just, it's very sweet.
00:21:49It's very sweet.
00:21:50It says, uh, money in it.
00:21:51You got the wrong one.
00:21:52Thank you, Dave.
00:21:54Thank you, Dave.
00:21:56Thank you, Dave.
00:21:57It's a gift.
00:21:58It's a gift.
00:21:59Well, it's so maybe this will be a guest, uh, best of Carson.
00:22:00And, uh, I just wish people would take a person at face value and not think that everyone has an ulterior motive to try to get somewhere.
00:22:01Well, you're probably right.
00:22:02You're just, very sweet.
00:22:03Look at this.
00:22:04There's, uh, money in it.
00:22:05You got the wrong one.
00:22:06Ha!
00:22:07Ha!
00:22:08Ha!
00:22:09Ha!
00:22:10Ha!
00:22:11Ha!
00:22:12Ha!
00:22:13Ha!
00:22:14Ha!
00:22:15Thank you, Dave. It's really good to see you again.
00:22:19Now, let's talk about this.
00:22:22You have a training program going on.
00:22:24Aren't you representing, is it Evander Holyfield?
00:22:27Evander Holyfield, yes.
00:22:28The boxer?
00:22:29He's come to my compound, and he's working.
00:22:32Oh, you have a boxing compound?
00:22:33Well, it's an area on the compound.
00:22:34Right.
00:22:35And he's working.
00:22:37He asked if I would help him prepare for Mike Tyson.
00:22:40He's the number one challenger.
00:22:41He's a sensational guy, and I'm putting him through a special computer program.
00:22:46Where, say, he's working on the light bag.
00:22:49Yeah.
00:22:49When he hits the light bag, I will punch a computer, and a name will come up,
00:22:54and it will explain to him how he compares with the greats.
00:22:57Do you follow me?
00:22:58In other words, his speed and dexterity, I punch it up, it says he's like Muhammad Ali,
00:23:03or something like that.
00:23:04So it's a great program, and he's enjoying it, and Fuji Haki-Hito, my assistant, came up with it,
00:23:10and I'm very happy about it.
00:23:11Yeah, well, I understand we managed to get the tape from your staff that shows this new...
00:23:16I don't want to show any tapes tonight, okay?
00:23:18Let's just talk about the program, because there was a mishap, and we're redoing it, and...
00:23:23Look, Dave, wait a second.
00:23:25You know, when you come here, and you talk about representing a boxer of the stature of Holyfield,
00:23:30getting ready for Tyson, and you say you have a tape computerized, that's something kind of new,
00:23:34and I think you kind of owe it to the audience to show.
00:23:36They want to see a tape.
00:23:44I respectfully disagree, and think we ought to look at the tape.
00:23:47So, Bob, you want to roll this tape, and we'll get a look at how this is going.
00:23:52You're progressing.
00:23:53Although you're having a good time, I want you to get the anger back.
00:23:57This is Tyson.
00:23:58This is the big one.
00:23:59Think of some reason to get angry at him, okay?
00:24:02I could make him angry.
00:24:03I'm angry.
00:24:06That's it, man.
00:24:10Concentrate.
00:24:11Work on it.
00:24:12Left, right, left, right.
00:24:13Great, great, great, great.
00:24:14Keep it going.
00:24:15All right, all right.
00:24:16Back off, back off.
00:24:17That's enough.
00:24:18Look at this.
00:24:19Look at this.
00:24:21You're going, you're going.
00:24:22Keep it going.
00:24:23Keep the energy up.
00:24:24All right, this is special computer.
00:24:26It's a life-size.
00:24:27It's a punch-o-matic.
00:24:28The only thing I want here is one right hand.
00:24:31Go down, deliver a right.
00:24:33Go ahead.
00:24:33You got one shot, and go for it.
00:24:35Down, and go for it.
00:24:36Oh, I love it.
00:24:37I love it.
00:24:38Beautiful.
00:24:39Look at this.
00:24:39Rocky Marciano.
00:24:40Rocky Marciano.
00:24:41There we go.
00:24:42All right, yeah.
00:24:43Let's keep it up.
00:24:44Keep the energy up.
00:24:45Now you're going.
00:24:46This is walk-a-punch, all right?
00:24:47You're going to bob.
00:24:48You're going to weep.
00:24:49One punch is going to be thrown.
00:24:51Oh.
00:24:53How many times do I have to apologize to this man?
00:24:58We come in here, and my band is gone.
00:25:01Then you show us a tape of an eight-year-old Mike Tyson.
00:25:04Then you take off your hat, and you have that stupid Don King wig on.
00:25:08And now, I don't know how much this costs.
00:25:11You've put two right gloves.
00:25:13Look at this.
00:25:14Don't worry.
00:25:15It won't work.
00:25:16It's not going to work.
00:25:17It won't work.
00:25:30Mark Schiff doesn't know whether he's coming or going, but he knows for sure that his luggage
00:25:35is long gone.
00:25:36I'm always glad when a young comedian making his first appearance on the show, he gets
00:25:42a Friday night audience.
00:25:44It's good for him.
00:25:45He is from New York.
00:25:46He performs at the Improvisation in Hollywood.
00:25:48He'll be in Philadelphia at the Comedy Works, February the 24th and 25th.
00:25:51This is his first time with us.
00:25:52Would you welcome Mark Schiff?
00:25:54I was visiting my parents, and this ever happened?
00:25:58You ever have dinner with your parents, look at them, and think to yourself, if these weren't
00:26:01my parents, I'd never visit these people?
00:26:14And my mother's still exactly the same.
00:26:15To this day, hates cleaning up anything.
00:26:17Always says the same thing.
00:26:17You know, Mark, I am not your maid.
00:26:20I am not your maid.
00:26:23In my head, I'm thinking, yes, you are.
00:26:27Somebody's been cleaning up.
00:26:28It hasn't been me.
00:26:30I once told her, I said, you are my maid.
00:26:32Get me a hamburger.
00:26:34She ran and told my father.
00:26:35He said, sounds good.
00:26:36Get me one, too.
00:26:42An amazing thing happened last year.
00:26:44It's absolutely true.
00:26:44I flew back to see my folks.
00:26:45I flew L.A., New York, T.W.A.
00:26:48Okay, nonstop, nonstop, and they lost my luggage.
00:26:56T.W.A., nonstop, stuff's gone.
00:26:59And you ever wait at that shoot for the stuff to come out?
00:27:01It's like, please, God, send it out.
00:27:03I have no underwear left.
00:27:04Please send it out.
00:27:06Other people get their luggage.
00:27:07They rub it in.
00:27:08It's like, I got mine.
00:27:09Ha, ha, ha.
00:27:09So I'm there like an idiot for a half hour, right?
00:27:13This red cap guy comes over, asks me what's happening.
00:27:16I tell him, he sends me into this room to see this guy named Ed.
00:27:19Ed is in charge of all luggage for T.W.A.
00:27:21He's showing me slides, drawings, you know?
00:27:24Finally, he says, he goes, are you sure you checked it?
00:27:27I said, Ed, you know, I'm glad you brought that up.
00:27:30Just remembered, on my way to the airport,
00:27:32I chucked it out the car window.
00:27:38I don't know how I forgot that, Ed.
00:27:41Tell you the truth, I wasn't even on the flight.
00:27:46I just got out of a mental hospital a week ago.
00:27:50I was walking by a little dog.
00:27:51He told me to come here and kill you, Ed, all right?
00:27:52All right.
00:28:02Then he goes, he goes, were there any zippers on the bag?
00:28:05I go, no, no zippers at all.
00:28:07You put the clothes in, you get a blowtorch,
00:28:08you melt the leather back around the bag, right?
00:28:12Then listen to this, I shot five rolls of film in New York.
00:28:15I get back to L.A., I mail it to this place called 25 Cents a Photo.
00:28:18It's supposed to be cheaper.
00:28:20A week later, they send me back five rolls
00:28:21of these Chinese people in Yugoslavia on vacation.
00:28:27I call them up, tell them what happened.
00:28:28The lady says, are you sure those aren't your shots?
00:28:30I said, ma'am, I'm glad you brought that up.
00:28:35I said, you know Ed?
00:28:44She said, yeah, T.W.A., right?
00:28:48I mailed them back to her.
00:28:49A week later, she sends me photos of the same people
00:28:52in New York with my luggage.
00:28:54Thank you, Ed.
00:28:57Sage, seer, soothsayer,
00:28:59and a favorite of millions.
00:29:01Karnak the Magnificent could always be counted on
00:29:03for insight into the day's hot topics.
00:29:06I cannot think of a possible better crowd
00:29:09for our next guest.
00:29:11The famous visitor
00:29:12from the East.
00:29:18The all-seeing, all-knowing, all-obniscient,
00:29:21famous seer, sage, soothsayer, mystic,
00:29:24and former campaign manager
00:29:26for Patrick Lucey,
00:29:28Tarnak the Magnificent.
00:29:46Welcome.
00:29:47Welcome.
00:29:49You seem to have gotten shorter.
00:29:50Famous sage and seer,
00:29:58a thousand blessings on your house and household.
00:30:01I hold in my hands the envelopes.
00:30:04A child of four could see these envelopes
00:30:06are hermetically sealed.
00:30:08They've been kept in a mayonnaise jar
00:30:10in Funkin' Wagnall's porch since noon today.
00:30:12No one
00:30:13knows the contents of these envelopes,
00:30:16but you in your divine and borderline mystical way
00:30:18will ascertain the answers,
00:30:20having never before seen the question.
00:30:22If Tarnak has any time left,
00:30:23he will do that.
00:30:27In the new hour format,
00:30:28perhaps I shortened the introduction.
00:30:30That's right.
00:30:30Envelope number one.
00:30:32I will define
00:30:32the answer to the question.
00:30:35Hermedically sealed.
00:30:36I have not seen the question.
00:30:37It's inside here.
00:30:38Funkin' Wagnall's porch.
00:30:41Bob and Carol
00:30:42and Ted and Alice.
00:30:44Bob and Carol
00:30:44and Ted and Alice.
00:30:46List all the names
00:30:52of the people
00:30:52who voted for President Carter.
00:31:04A genetic scientist
00:31:05and Elizabeth Taylor.
00:31:09A genetic scientist
00:31:10and Elizabeth Taylor.
00:31:13Who split a lot of genes this year?
00:31:16May a bloated yak
00:31:25make a breeze
00:31:25on your brunch.
00:31:302001.
00:31:322001.
00:31:322001.
00:31:32That's what I said.
00:31:37What's the combined age
00:31:38of Reagan's top three advisors?
00:31:39P-L-O.
00:31:52P-L-O.
00:31:55How would a carrot
00:31:56introduce itself to a P?
00:32:00P-L-O.
00:32:01P-L-O.
00:32:01Do you have other work
00:32:07besides this show?
00:32:11No nukes.
00:32:16I already divined the answer.
00:32:18No, neither.
00:32:19What do you say
00:32:20when you order
00:32:20a plain hamburger
00:32:21at Three Mile Island?
00:32:22P-L-O.
00:32:29Jerry Falwell.
00:32:35How does Betty Ford
00:32:36describe her husband's walk?
00:32:44The Spruce Goose.
00:32:46What would you get from a lumberjack proctologist?
00:33:01The DC-10
00:33:03What do you call the Democrats left in Congress?
00:33:16The power behind the throne
00:33:20The power behind the throne
00:33:22Describe a tidy-bowl man with a nuclear submarine
00:33:29Plop-plop, fizz-fizz, plop
00:33:39What do you hear when you give a guy a poisoned Alka-Seltzer?
00:33:56George Gallup, Lou Harris, and Zbigniew Brzezinski
00:33:59Name three Poles who are out of work
00:34:06Corned beef hash
00:34:14Corned beef hash
00:34:15What gets you higher than pumpernickel marijuana?
00:34:27I hold in my hand the last envelope
00:34:31May an illegal alien valet park your sister
00:34:43Bacharach, Lance, and Billy Carter
00:34:54Name two birds and a squirt
00:35:01Never accused of having a tin ear
00:35:18Guest Renee Hall proves in 1990
00:35:21That even saw blades can be music to your ears
00:35:24Okay, as I mentioned earlier
00:35:27As I said, my first guest plays a one-of-a-kind musical instrument
00:35:31She calls it Playing the Coins
00:35:32She's from Arroyo Grande, California
00:35:35Would you welcome, please, Renee Hall
00:35:36Miss Hall
00:35:37How are you? Welcome
00:35:48Thank you
00:35:49Can I call you Renee? Is that all right?
00:35:50Oh, yes, do
00:35:51What a pretty dress
00:35:52Thank you so much
00:35:54Nice to have you here
00:35:54Oh, it's nice to be here this evening
00:35:56Isn't that wonderful?
00:35:57Yeah, you want to put your stuff here?
00:35:58Oh, you look so gorgeous
00:35:58Well, thank you
00:35:59Thank you
00:36:00You're all gorgeous tonight, aren't we?
00:36:03You've lost a lot of weight, you guys
00:36:04And you look so beautiful
00:36:05Thank you
00:36:05I wish I'd done the same
00:36:07Yeah, somebody told me you were hesitant to come on the show
00:36:10Because what?
00:36:10Oh, because of the weight
00:36:11You've got so much up here
00:36:13But you know, I was born in a grapefruit rose
00:36:15So that accounts for a couple of things
00:36:17Yes, well, you're what we would call, I guess, zoptic, right?
00:36:22Oh, something like that
00:36:23Yeah
00:36:23Is that a clean word?
00:36:25Oh, sure, oh, yeah
00:36:26Now, you come from, somebody told me, from a family of entertainers
00:36:29Oh, yes
00:36:29I own a very old family of entertainers
00:36:32My father was the world's greatest Y-Walker
00:36:35Really?
00:36:36Wonderful Y-Walker
00:36:37And I took that out when I was three years old
00:36:39Are you putting me on?
00:36:40No, three years old
00:36:42But when I was seven
00:36:43I had a four
00:36:44The wire between my legs
00:36:46Now, if I would have been a boy
00:36:48I'd have had a soprano voice from then on
00:36:50It's not a pretty picture you paint here
00:37:00So you almost, so you gave up the wire walking
00:37:05Yes, but I almost came in two
00:37:06I gave up the wire walking
00:37:07Yeah, well, that's dangerous
00:37:09Oh, I say it's dangerous, yes
00:37:10I hope that's the only accident you've had in your career
00:37:13The only one
00:37:14Oh, I'm accident prone
00:37:15I'd trip over a pin or anything
00:37:18Or a safety pin
00:37:19Yeah
00:37:19But anyway, I had some terrible accidents
00:37:21I was doing a round or flip-flap back when I was an acrobat
00:37:24You were an acrobat also?
00:37:25Acrobatic
00:37:25And the corner of a piano, grand piano
00:37:28Went right into my back
00:37:29That was a nice thing, too
00:37:31But I came up, you know, smiling after a while
00:37:34And then, and then
00:37:35I was a trumpet player
00:37:37So, I'm up in Seattle
00:37:39We had this big bowl there
00:37:40And these gorgeous steps
00:37:41You come down while you're playing
00:37:43Right
00:37:43But the guy forgot to put a white edge on the step
00:37:46So I couldn't see where I was going
00:37:47You didn't know where the last step was?
00:37:48I fell from top to bottom
00:37:50Knocked out all my teeth
00:37:52So that finished my trumpet playing
00:37:55Someday you've got to get out of show business
00:37:59I'm going to do it
00:38:02Yeah
00:38:02Now, tonight you're going to play what you
00:38:04And then I took to this
00:38:04Because I stand up and do that
00:38:05You call them coins, right?
00:38:06But they're not really coins, are they?
00:38:08No, no
00:38:09They're, it's German bell steel
00:38:10But they're serrated ages like this
00:38:12Tell us what it is, we're
00:38:13They're like that
00:38:13Now, that's metal
00:38:14That's German bell steel
00:38:16Uh-huh
00:38:16And they're corners like that
00:38:18Now, be careful
00:38:19Because they get underneath your nails
00:38:20And you, you come off with bleeding hands
00:38:23If you're not careful
00:38:24Well, you probably would
00:38:25But I wouldn't
00:38:25The way things are going for you
00:38:29You could cut yourself in two with this
00:38:31In other words, the different size
00:38:33Gives them a different tone
00:38:34A tonal quality
00:38:34That's right, different tone
00:38:35And it's, you know, it's like a piano
00:38:37Just from, uh, from C to C
00:38:40And all that kind of stuff
00:38:41And then this little hammer here
00:38:42It's not to knock me out
00:38:43Yeah, okay
00:38:44But this is for, if the coin is a little sharp
00:38:47I have to turn it on that side
00:38:49And do this around there
00:38:51To flatten it
00:38:51To just turn it down a half a tone
00:38:53And then the other way
00:38:54Yeah
00:38:54And then I do it this way
00:38:55And make them sharp
00:38:56All righty
00:38:56So, well, we're gonna
00:38:57We're gonna do a commercial
00:38:58Then we're gonna come back
00:38:59And you're gonna do a number of two for us
00:39:01Oh, I'd love to
00:39:02All right, well, we'd love to hear it
00:39:03Okay
00:39:03All right, we'll take a break
00:39:04And we'll be right back
00:39:05Okay
00:39:06This is, uh
00:39:09Were you, were you a dancer, too?
00:39:12You were doing bumps and grinds there
00:39:13Sure, I used to be a dancer
00:39:15Well, you did everything
00:39:15Now, these are the coins, so-called, right?
00:39:17These are the coins, yes
00:39:18And you have, what is this?
00:39:19Is this marble?
00:39:19This is marble
00:39:20It's played on marble
00:39:21Well, that's the way you get the sound
00:39:22That's the sound of coming out, yes
00:39:24All right, what selection have you chosen?
00:39:26What songs am I chosen?
00:39:27Yeah
00:39:27Oh, I've chosen Around the World
00:39:28On the Bells of St. Mary
00:39:30Ah
00:39:30But I'll have to tell you, Johnny
00:39:31Yes
00:39:32At no time to approach the melody
00:39:33I see
00:39:34We just kind of
00:39:35We just fill in the gaps
00:39:37So, welcome to the Twilight Zone
00:39:39This is Around the World
00:39:42Around the World
00:39:42On the Bells of St. Mary
00:39:43Then you segue right in
00:39:44To the Bells of St. Mary
00:39:45That's right
00:39:45Okay, here we go
00:39:45Okay, here we go
00:39:46Renee Hall
00:39:46You ready?
00:39:48Thank you, darling
00:39:48Thank you
00:39:50You're safe
00:40:01Did you hear that?
00:40:04Somebody's been messing around
00:40:08With the props
00:40:08Oh, no
00:40:09What happened?
00:40:12Oh, beloved
00:40:13I thought you were right on schedule there
00:40:15You, no
00:40:16Somebody's been messing around
00:40:18With the blessed things
00:40:19And now I've got to
00:40:19Did you leave one over here?
00:40:21No, that wasn't the one
00:40:23Wait a minute
00:40:23I think we'll be all right now
00:40:25Okay
00:40:29What did you just play there?
00:40:30Was it where you
00:40:30Oh, I see
00:40:31I thought you were playing
00:40:32I was just collapsing around
00:40:33Trying to get them in order
00:40:34That's all
00:40:35Are we ready now?
00:40:38Okay, we're ready
00:40:39Okay, my ducky
00:40:40Lovely
00:40:42Are you ready?
00:40:44Here we go
00:40:44Here we go
00:40:46Here we go
00:40:48Here we go
00:40:49Here we go
00:40:50Here we go
00:40:51Here we go
00:40:52Here we go
00:40:53Here we go
00:40:54Here we go
00:40:55Here we go
00:40:56Here we go
00:40:57Here we go
00:40:58Here we go
00:40:59Here we go
00:41:00Here we go
00:41:01Here we go
00:41:02Here we go
00:41:03Here we go
00:41:04Here we go
00:41:05Here we go
00:41:06BIRDS CHIRP
00:41:36BIRDS CHIRP
00:42:06BIRDS CHIRP
00:42:08If homework was always this much fun, no kid would ever want to play hooky again.
00:42:24BIRDS CHIRP
00:42:26Now, because many students do their homework while watching our program,
00:42:33the Tonight Show would like to help them with their studies as we present the Homework School of the Air.
00:42:40And here to answer your questions is a man who has an MBA from NYU, a BS from MIT, and a BLT from WW2.
00:42:51Please welcome a man who hasn't let education go to his head, Professor John W. Carson.
00:42:57BIRDS CHIRP
00:43:07Good evening.
00:43:08Professor, before we...
00:43:09Hello, students watching at home. Nice to be with you again.
00:43:12Before we begin, is it true that the age of 19, by that time a man loses 6 million brain cells a day?
00:43:21What?
00:43:21Would you like me to...
00:43:23I'd like you to...
00:43:24Perhaps it would be better if I repeated the question.
00:43:26Why don't we go on to the next question and forget that one.
00:43:28All right.
00:43:28Oh, here's one from a biology student.
00:43:36Okay.
00:43:37He wants to know what animal mates the most times in its life.
00:43:42That is the male Nepalese horsefly.
00:43:45During their brief, very brief two months of existence in the months of June and July,
00:43:49they swarm over the land and mate once every 65 seconds.
00:43:53Wow, that's amazing.
00:43:55Now, she also asked, what is the most nervous animal?
00:43:58In June and July, the female Nepalese horsefly.
00:44:06Very small clanger in this building. It's a bigger clanger.
00:44:10A geology student asks, what are the three types of coal?
00:44:15There's coal, really coal, and freezing.
00:44:21A student of anatomy asks,
00:44:23What is the furthest anyone has ever sleepwalked?
00:44:30Interesting.
00:44:30California teacher was once discovered by his wife in his pajamas,
00:44:35in the bed of a strange woman almost 15 miles from his house.
00:44:40Professor, that doesn't sound like sleepwalking to me.
00:44:44That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
00:44:54What's the most gullible animal?
00:44:57Most gullible animal is the African matty-you.
00:45:00Really?
00:45:01What's a matty-you?
00:45:02Nothing.
00:45:03What's a matty-you?
00:45:03That was in honor of Chico Marx.
00:45:15God, I miss him.
00:45:17A math student writes,
00:45:19There's something I've always wondered about.
00:45:21Is there a number higher than infinity?
00:45:24Oh, yes. Infinity plus shipping and handling.
00:45:26You have another question?
00:45:31No, you have a, uh, kind of a goodbye message for us.
00:45:36No, did we, did we miss a couple here?
00:45:38No.
00:45:40No, I went right from 20 to 21.
00:45:42Oh, wow.
00:45:43And you've got kind of a goodbye message.
00:45:45Something you're going to be doing later.
00:45:47I thought we missed a couple questions.
00:45:48Are you sure?
00:45:49No, no.
00:45:50Well, uh, Bob, uh, Bob over here has some different cards.
00:45:53Don't you have, don't you have a million in there?
00:45:56I seem to have lost some of my cards.
00:45:58Let me see here.
00:46:00Why don't I look over here?
00:46:01Maybe I'll get an idea.
00:46:03Yeah, why don't you?
00:46:15A young, a young mathematician wants to know,
00:46:21$1,000 an hour for a thousand years,
00:46:24what would that be?
00:46:26Here they are right here.
00:46:29There he is right there.
00:46:30Isn't that the one over there?
00:46:35I wonder how I missed that.
00:46:37Well, I have to, uh,
00:46:41okay, let's do it.
00:46:44Let's do the finish.
00:46:45Remember the finish?
00:46:46All right, yes, yes.
00:46:47I have to leave now because I am tutoring a young lady about Austrian composers.
00:46:51Oh, really?
00:46:52Mahler?
00:46:53No, just, oh, Mahler?
00:46:54No, no, not, oh, really.
00:46:56Just Mahler?
00:46:57Mahler?
00:46:58Every chance I get.
00:46:59Okay.
00:46:59Poached, scrambled, or hard-boiled, how do you like your eggs?
00:47:07Here in 1974, Johnny finds out how Dom DeLuise likes his.
00:47:11I've looked over to my left here, and I see a lot of paraphernalia.
00:47:15Is this stuff yours?
00:47:16Well, I was in Warren, Ohio, doing my play,
00:47:20and Roy Clark and his friends came by,
00:47:22and they were doing this trick, and I said,
00:47:24I bet I can do that.
00:47:25And then I tried it there in the restaurant,
00:47:27but I was quite drunk, so I don't remember.
00:47:29But I'd like to try it again.
00:47:30I mean, it's a phenomenal trick.
00:47:32I have the slightest idea what it is.
00:47:33Drop the eggs with the tray and the match covers and the broom.
00:47:37It's unbelievable.
00:47:38Really?
00:47:38Want to see it?
00:47:39No, wait, I haven't worked.
00:47:40I haven't either.
00:47:41I tell you the truth, this may be brilliant, or who knows?
00:47:44It could go nowhere.
00:47:45Yes, it could go right in the old toilet.
00:47:46Well, let's go find out.
00:47:48Okay.
00:47:49Okay, I'll try it.
00:47:49Okay.
00:47:54Okay.
00:47:55Well, here we are at the trick.
00:47:56Okay, here we are at the trick.
00:47:58Now, let me just, let me just tell you
00:48:00that I have five glasses of water.
00:48:02Yes, I have five glasses of water.
00:48:03Like this background?
00:48:04Yes, a little background until the moment.
00:48:06There's a climax here that is unbelievable,
00:48:08matched only by whatever you can fill in as a climax.
00:48:12Would you sit down a moment?
00:48:13Don't be afraid.
00:48:15Don't be afraid, and trust me.
00:48:17Oh, my.
00:48:17Oh, jeez.
00:48:19Okay, this is really something that I...
00:48:21Oh, I'm a little scared, actually.
00:48:23Okay.
00:48:24Okay.
00:48:25All right, now, this is just, this is a book of matches.
00:48:27You see that rolled up like that?
00:48:29And I have to put them over the glasses.
00:48:31Oh, jeez.
00:48:31I'm scared.
00:48:32I don't like this very much.
00:48:34What are you scared of?
00:48:34What I'm going to do is I'm going to hit the tray,
00:48:37and all the eggs that I put up here are going to fall in the glass.
00:48:45It's really nice, John.
00:48:46You're going to love it.
00:48:47What is my role?
00:48:48Your role is to sit there and trust me.
00:48:50Oh, jeez.
00:48:51And no, no, you're going to, you can, in fact, in fact, oh, jeez.
00:48:55I don't know if I like this, John.
00:48:56This is harder than I thought.
00:48:58Okay.
00:48:58That's good.
00:48:59And then you can start, you can start with the eggs, and this goes right over here.
00:49:02Okay.
00:49:04I have, yeah, this is the important part, is this part right here.
00:49:06Gee, Roy, oh, she's, okay.
00:49:09It's all right, John.
00:49:10It's all right.
00:49:11It's okay.
00:49:12Okay.
00:49:13This tray is going to go shooting out there.
00:49:15It just takes a few seconds, and the tray, all right, let me just check if the eggs are
00:49:20over the thing.
00:49:20Oh, no, this is off.
00:49:21Just a moment.
00:49:22Okay.
00:49:23That's good.
00:49:23Now, that's good.
00:49:24Here, this is fine.
00:49:25How do you feel, John?
00:49:26Oh, I don't, is this?
00:49:28Yes, this is going to be good.
00:49:29Now, the eggs, these are all, they're not hard-boiled or anything.
00:49:32They're just, they're still raw, you know?
00:49:34Okay.
00:49:36Let me just take a, let me.
00:49:38Just in case it doesn't work.
00:49:42Wait, just let me prove to you that the eggs are all raw.
00:49:45They're all, okay, the eggs are all raw.
00:49:47Just in case this doesn't work.
00:49:50Okay.
00:49:51All right, this is going to be nice.
00:49:52Just let me just see that.
00:49:54The idea is, you see these eggs?
00:49:57And when I say three, the eggs are going to go in the glass.
00:50:04Yes.
00:50:05Okay.
00:50:06Now, ready?
00:50:06Hold on.
00:50:07What are you talking about?
00:50:12Don't, what, what are you talking about?
00:50:13All right, all right, I don't have to do it that way.
00:50:14All right, just a moment.
00:50:15Just a moment.
00:50:16All right, here, you watch it.
00:50:17Now, just watch it.
00:50:18Okay, just a moment.
00:50:20Okay, just a moment.
00:50:21Are you crazy?
00:50:22Are you crazy?
00:50:23All right.
00:50:38Oh, yeah, let's go.
00:50:40Oh, yeah.
00:50:44Let's go.
00:51:45I like it.
00:52:03No more.
00:52:04I like it.
00:52:34My first two guests are two young ladies, actually they are in the second grade, from Hooper, Utah, and who are experts on the fine points of marketing jokes.
00:52:47Would you welcome, please, from Hooper Elementary School, Sonny Hawes and Jennifer Weston.
00:53:21Well, you look very pretty, and it's nice to meet you.
00:53:26Have you ever seen the Tonight Show before?
00:53:29Yeah, but we fell asleep.
00:53:30I heard you girls wanted your money in advance, so I have some pennies here, okay?
00:53:41I have to give you the penny first.
00:53:43Who's going to do the first joke?
00:53:44Me.
00:53:44Okay, here's your penny.
00:53:46Now, let's hear the joke.
00:53:48And why doesn't an anteater ever catch cold?
00:53:52Why doesn't an anteater ever catch cold?
00:53:55I don't know why.
00:53:56Because he's full of little antibodies.
00:54:08That's a very good joke.
00:54:10That's really worth more than a penny.
00:54:12Okay, Jennifer, you going to tell me one?
00:54:14Oh, I know, I know.
00:54:15I know, okay, money in advance.
00:54:19Did you hear that Willie Nelson got hit by a car?
00:54:23Did I hear Willie Nelson got hit by a car?
00:54:26No.
00:54:26He's playing on the road again.
00:54:29He's playing on the road again?
00:54:30These jokes are worth lots more than a penny.
00:54:46Really, those are good jokes.
00:54:48How much did you make now selling these jokes altogether?
00:54:51152 pennies.
00:54:53Okay, so thank you very much for being here.
00:54:54I hope you have a very nice time.
00:54:56And I like your jokes.
00:54:58They're very good.
00:54:59Okay?
00:55:00Thank you, Sonny.
00:55:01Thank you, Jennifer.
00:55:02No, you keep your point.
00:55:16Somehow, I thought a kiss was in order.
00:55:18Yeah, you kiss.
00:55:20But she's got three boyfriends already.
00:55:22Well, as soon as they get the money.
00:55:25What a bad year for you.
00:55:27You're not going to get a lot of kissing.
00:55:30It's been said you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
00:55:45And maybe the same could be said for a pig.
00:55:48But as for Johnny, he's always willing to learn.
00:55:50You just joined us.
00:55:53This is Mr. Herbert Wells.
00:55:54And we're showing you the intelligence of a seven-year-old trained pig, which you just saw.
00:55:58A piglet.
00:55:58Seven weeks.
00:55:59Seven weeks.
00:55:59And now...
00:56:01What did I say?
00:56:01Seven months?
00:56:02Why, seven months, he'll be over there playing.
00:56:04I have something behind the curtain just for you, Mr. Carson.
00:56:14All right.
00:56:15And bigger is always better.
00:56:17So let's see what we have here.
00:56:18Sometimes it is.
00:56:19Good.
00:56:24You are sensational.
00:56:25You're right.
00:56:31And she has an animal with her, too.
00:56:36Hi, you are...
00:56:37Dory.
00:56:38Hi, Dory.
00:56:38How are you?
00:56:38It's a little slobbery.
00:56:40This is a big pig.
00:56:43Yes, indeed.
00:56:44He's also musical.
00:56:45He plays the chimes.
00:56:46Would this be called a boar?
00:56:48Yeah, a Russian boar.
00:56:49Russian boar.
00:56:49Oscar.
00:56:50Oscar.
00:56:51Oscar.
00:56:51Oscar.
00:56:51Oscar.
00:56:52Oscar.
00:56:53Play it.
00:56:54Oscar.
00:56:54Play it.
00:56:55Oh, good boy.
00:56:56Come on, play it.
00:56:57Play it.
00:56:58Okay, on the seat.
00:56:59Good boy.
00:57:02It's not a recognizable tune, but...
00:57:04All right.
00:57:07I...
00:57:08Would you like to try to do something with Oscar?
00:57:11Would I like to try to do something with Oscar?
00:57:13Well, nothing that would get me emotionally involved, no.
00:57:15Oscar, come on.
00:57:16Oscar, come on.
00:57:17All right.
00:57:18Oscar, all right.
00:57:19What do you want me to do?
00:57:20From over here, stand on your left.
00:57:21You can hold on to him.
00:57:22Oscar, come here.
00:57:23Oscar.
00:57:24All right, push it.
00:57:25Here, have some food in your hand.
00:57:27Yes.
00:57:27Tell Oscar to push it.
00:57:28Oscar, push it.
00:57:29No.
00:57:30Oscar.
00:57:31Now push it.
00:57:32Oscar, push it.
00:57:33Oscar, push it.
00:57:34I'm out of food, Oscar.
00:57:35Here, here's one of them.
00:57:36Very important after you were finished.
00:57:37Oscar, push it.
00:57:38Oscar, push it.
00:57:39Push it.
00:57:39Come on, push it.
00:57:39Oscar, push it.
00:57:43Oscar.
00:57:44Push it.
00:57:45Oscar, push it.
00:57:46Push it.
00:57:47Oscar, come on.
00:57:48Push it.
00:57:48Right this, Oscar.
00:57:49What's in a name?
00:58:03Darryl Savad gives us his unique observations here from 1988.
00:58:07Well, I can say my relationship's working out.
00:58:13My wife's great.
00:58:13She's great.
00:58:14It's working out because I'm sensitive.
00:58:16I think all men should be sensitive.
00:58:19Yeah.
00:58:20Yeah.
00:58:21Learn to cry.
00:58:22Crying is the key.
00:58:23I think all men should cry.
00:58:25I do it once a month just to get even with her.
00:58:28I do.
00:58:28She comes home.
00:58:29I'm in the kitchen.
00:58:31My arms folded.
00:58:33I cry and I listen to Barry Manilow records.
00:58:38When she walks up and asks me what's wrong, I look at her and go, nothing.
00:58:44You're a woman and you wouldn't understand.
00:58:47But I'll try.
00:58:49I'll try and tell you.
00:58:50I'll try and be sensitive.
00:58:51It was a fourth down.
00:58:56The Raiders had the ball.
00:59:05And they flew it.
00:59:07I don't know.
00:59:09Recently got back from Michigan.
00:59:10I had a chance to visit my uncle.
00:59:12My uncle's getting fat and lazy now.
00:59:14He's 80 years old.
00:59:15He's at that point of his life where he just sits in front of the TV with a remote control
00:59:19in his hand.
00:59:20He's looking at my aunt going,
00:59:23Bertha?
00:59:26Bertha?
00:59:27Come in and push the button.
00:59:33His waistline is taking over his whole body.
00:59:36His waistline is right here now.
00:59:38I'm sure next time I see him, he'll be a pair of pants walking around the house.
00:59:41He'll have to pull his zipper down to watch the news on TV.
00:59:48My aunt buys his underwear, of course, and that's great, you know, because women know
00:59:53the secret.
00:59:54They know a guy would just never get new underwear, especially single guys.
00:59:58Single guy wears underwear forever.
01:00:01Holes in them, the elastics worn out.
01:00:02I had a pair at home that was just an elastic band.
01:00:06I went jogging in the park, pulled it up on my head like a sweatband.
01:00:11So I just got back from Vegas.
01:00:20I had a chance to open for a couple of blues singers there, and that was great.
01:00:24I don't like the blues because it's depressing music.
01:00:26That's why you never hear blues Christmas carols.
01:00:29Can you imagine that?
01:00:31Some guy in front of your TV, like on your TV, going, I'd like to do a Christmas song for
01:00:39you.
01:00:40It's a song of love, a song of joy, a song of happiness.
01:00:46I call it, My Woman It Dead.
01:00:49I woke up Christmas morning.
01:00:59My woman was dead.
01:01:03Reindeer came down the chimney and stepped on her head.
01:01:08Precious heirloom, Mr. Warmth, Don Rickles, finally gets his due as Johnny asks him to
01:01:27fess up.
01:01:28Ninety-six-year-old woman.
01:01:32They just broke her cane, and she's now in a home going, where's my cane?
01:01:35Where's my cane?
01:01:36But you'll love it at the Riviera.
01:01:37I'm going to the Sahara with all the wonderful people there, all the great stars.
01:01:43And I'm going to be there for two years for a great deal of money.
01:01:47And you'll be over at the Riviera, stumbling, fumbling around the lobby, as he's going, talk
01:01:52to the animals, talk to the birds.
01:01:55It'll be wonderful.
01:01:55You'll just sit with him and hunt animals and birds all day long.
01:01:58Then you'll get a day job, go back to Chicago, and do what you do best.
01:02:01Count, carry the two, five and five is six.
01:02:04Seventy-seven is fourteen, and that's forty dollars.
01:02:07Okay, you can now go to Mexico.
01:02:09There's notes.
01:02:18This is not your land, you crazy town, you're not going to have the land.
01:02:22You're stupid, man, you're not going to have the land.
01:02:24This is not your land.
01:02:25You take the fuck.
01:02:29And Carson's cigarette box.
01:02:31Oh, I broke his back.
01:02:33So I broke Carson's cigarette box.
01:02:35Carson's cigarette box.
01:02:39Those of you from the other world.
01:02:54Merry Christmas.
01:03:04Uh-oh.
01:03:07What the hell happened to this?
01:03:09Well, as long as you've seen what happened.
01:03:14Do you know how long I've had the cigarette box on this desk?
01:03:16You brought that out from New York, sir?
01:03:18I brought this from New York.
01:03:19What on earth?
01:03:20It happened last night.
01:03:21Who?
01:03:23Don Rickles.
01:03:23I did not see the show last night.
01:03:24Don Rickles did it last night.
01:03:26Are you putting me on now?
01:03:27No, no.
01:03:28Don Rickles did it last night on the show.
01:03:30What the hell did he do with it?
01:03:32The wood is broken.
01:03:35That's an heirloom.
01:03:36Well, right here.
01:03:38That, look, I've had that box from the scene where I sit here and I get rid of my pencils
01:03:42during the show to keep my sanity.
01:03:44Well, I know.
01:03:47I haven't broken that box.
01:03:49Don Rickles.
01:03:49How did he do it?
01:03:50What did he do?
01:03:50He probably was having a fit, you know, and he, uh...
01:03:52How could you tell?
01:03:53I just saw him in makeup getting ready to tape that, uh, FPO, uh, Harky, or whatever
01:04:07it is.
01:04:08C.P.O. Shark.
01:04:08C.P.O. Shirky.
01:04:10Uh...
01:04:10I don't know.
01:04:12He told a joke and it didn't go well and he got upset and he didn't...
01:04:14Is he in...
01:04:17He hit it.
01:04:18He hit it with his hand.
01:04:18Is he taping out?
01:04:19What?
01:04:20He's taping across the hall.
01:04:22C.P.O. Shark.
01:04:23Can I get over there?
01:04:25Can I get over there?
01:04:26Can I get over there?
01:04:29Be right back.
01:04:40Come on.
01:04:41Just follow me.
01:04:49Is he in studio?
01:04:49Are they taping?
01:04:51Are they on the air?
01:04:52I don't give a damn if they're on the air.
01:04:54Open the door.
01:04:57Rickles.
01:04:58Rickles.
01:04:58Hold.
01:04:59Stop the taping.
01:05:00Stop the taping.
01:05:02Somebody broke my cigarette box.
01:05:07Come here.
01:05:08Leave this.
01:05:09Stop.
01:05:10Stop.
01:05:10Stop.
01:05:11I just started the show.
01:05:20I picked my box up off my desk that I've had for nine years.
01:05:24My box is broken.
01:05:27They told me...
01:05:28They told me you broke it on the show last night.
01:05:32Well, I...
01:05:33I...
01:05:34I...
01:05:34I...
01:05:34You big dummy.
01:05:37I...
01:05:37I...
01:05:38I...
01:05:38I...
01:05:38I...
01:05:39I...
01:05:40Look, I didn't...
01:05:41I didn't mean to interrupt your taping here because I know you're in your big dramatic
01:05:44scene.
01:05:45You know, in your position today, you really are one of the biggest guys in the business.
01:05:48I want my...
01:05:49So help me.
01:05:49I want my box.
01:05:50Next Christmas, I'm going to make sure a tree drops on your head.
01:05:52No, but I'm sorry about the box.
01:05:55Well, so am I.
01:05:55I will come up with something.
01:05:56Well, I hope so.
01:05:57But just keep me on your show.
01:05:58You mean so much to me.
01:05:59Certainly.
01:06:00No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:06:02Don't...
01:06:02Don't humble yourself in front of these people.
01:06:05Don't...
01:06:05Don't humble yourself in front of...
01:06:07I want something back.
01:06:08Okay, carry on.
01:06:09Carry on.
01:06:09Good to see you.
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