- 1 day ago
Best of Johnny Carson Vol 01 Ep 02
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00:00What line of work are you in?
00:03We doubt very many of you have as unique an answer as specialist jeweler Frank Hill.
00:10Let me tell you about Mr. Frank Hill, whom I have not met until this moment.
00:14We found out about him through, I guess, a newspaper item.
00:18He is from Route 5, Union, South Carolina,
00:22and he modestly bills himself as the Manure Man of South Carolina.
00:28Mr. Hill is known for making original handmade artifacts from quail droppings.
00:39Let me repeat that.
00:42In case you just tuned in and thought maybe I had gone bonkers,
00:46he makes original handmade artifacts from quail droppings.
00:50And a man like that, we wanted to meet, so we asked him to join us tonight.
00:55So would you welcome from Route 5, Union, South Carolina, Frank O'Hill.
00:59Frank?
01:11Frank, have a seat there. See if that fits you all right.
01:16It does real good.
01:17You're a pretty good-sized man.
01:19You're a nice-looking man, too, Mr. Carton.
01:21Thank you, Frank.
01:22Yeah, thank you.
01:23You can just call me Johnny if you want to.
01:24Well, my people taught me to call everybody older than I am Mr.
01:28I am Mr.
01:38So you're dropping a few on me right off, huh?
01:40There's a little quail ammunition, though.
01:42Oh, I'm just kidding.
01:43That's all right, Frank.
01:45Where is, I was going to say, where is Route 5?
01:48But, obviously, it says here, Union, South Carolina.
01:50Where is Union, South Carolina?
01:51It's kind of in the suburbs of Lockhart, South Carolina.
01:55Wow.
02:00That's a beautiful state, I understand, and I've never been to South Carolina.
02:03Oh, yes.
02:04There's Allenburg and Kelton and Bentleytown.
02:06Yeah.
02:07A lot of pretty good-sized towns.
02:09Yeah.
02:10Is your life down there?
02:11Yes, sir.
02:12Yes, sir.
02:13Born and raised right there.
02:14And I always knew where to go when I'm home.
02:16But around here, people move a lot faster than they do down at home.
02:22It's spread out.
02:23They talk a lot faster than they do down at home.
02:26We do, don't we?
02:27We tend to rush things.
02:28Yes, sir.
02:29But if you don't have much to say, I guess it's all right to talk faster.
02:40Well, you're probably right.
02:43I'm sorry, boss, man.
02:47I was talking about something.
02:49I was thinking about something.
02:51Okay, now.
02:52Now, they tell me.
02:56You call yourself the Manure Man of South Carolina, and you make handmade artifacts from quail
03:02dry.
03:03Now, how did you first get interested in this?
03:05Well, you remember back in the 70s.
03:08Sure.
03:09Gas.
03:10Really, it started going up.
03:11Price of gasoline.
03:12Gas went up, and a lot of things started going up by that.
03:15You betcha.
03:16Now, after one season, I finished with my birds and hunting and all, and I had to fill
03:21my bins back up to start the next season.
03:23And the bill they sent me was for twice as much as the year before.
03:28You for your gas bill.
03:29I thought they had made a mistake.
03:31You know.
03:32So I called and said, no, no, this is right.
03:35The soybeans has doubled, and this has doubled.
03:38I said, oh, my goodness.
03:39You know, and I had that huge feed bill, and I swapped them birds in the pen, and their
03:44heads in the feed pan, and dropping coming out the other end, you know.
03:49Nature at work.
03:50Nature at work, yeah.
03:51Looked like I said, I'll never be able to get my money out of that bird.
03:54He's going to eat more feed than he's worth.
03:56Yeah.
03:57So maybe I could take the dropping and, you know, do something with it and get it out.
04:02Yeah.
04:03These were quail, were they?
04:04Yes.
04:05Quail birds, you know.
04:06Yeah.
04:07So I thought it'd be a good idea to make some as a joke and sell them to some of my Yankee
04:12friends.
04:13I'd buy anything they had to sell.
04:16Can we show some of these items?
04:17Yes, yes.
04:18Because they're rather fascinating, and I'll just ask you about them, and I don't really
04:23understand how this works.
04:26Is this...
04:27This year, Mr. Carson, there's one of the largest droppings that a quail ever dropped.
04:33Yeah, I'm sure it'll...
04:35A Guinness, a Guinness dropping, huh?
04:37Yeah.
04:38And her name was Sarah Bell, and she died soon after that.
04:42Now this...
04:43This is the actual, uh...
04:48This is the actual thing that came out of her feathered colon, right here?
04:51Yeah.
04:52You get such a high price, so I brought you the biggest one.
04:56Well, that's very nice of you.
04:57And here's the star, and I'm gonna break the mold.
05:00That's a first limited edition, and it's just for you.
05:04A limited edition?
05:05And I'm gonna break the mold when I get back to South Carolina.
05:08And that's it.
05:09It's a...
05:10It's a big dropping...
05:11Yeah.
05:12...for a big star.
05:13Oh, that's very nice.
05:14Good dropping for a big star.
05:19I don't think I...
05:21I don't think I've ever been so moved, Frank.
05:24You'll...
05:25Excuse the, uh, expression there.
05:27Don't cry, but I'm sincere.
05:29You're kind of the Cartier of caca, aren't you?
05:32That's...
05:34That's really nice.
05:36I'm outstanding in my field.
05:38Yes, you sure are.
05:39Now, this is a little pendant.
05:41I suppose one could give a loved one, or...
05:43Yes, sir.
05:44Uh-huh.
05:45Yes, sir.
05:46Because you really have an unlimited supply.
05:48As long as the birds are, I guess, uh...
05:50Your enemy could probably be Keopectate, if anything.
05:52Yeah.
05:53Yeah.
05:54See, I used to sell hatching eggs from the quail.
05:57You used to sell hatching eggs?
05:58The eggs that they laid the hatching on.
06:00Right.
06:01But they only laid one egg a day.
06:03Uh-huh.
06:04And I only got a dime for the egg.
06:06Well, that's, uh...
06:07And they'll go to the bathroom about 40 times a day.
06:10And they'll get about $10.
06:12Yes, if you push it.
06:13See, I chew the feed up some for them.
06:15They don't have to digest it so much so long.
06:17I see.
06:18You know, get it free.
06:19Well, they spent most of the day, uh...
06:20Most of the day is in a frenzy, I guess, for them.
06:22Yes.
06:23Well, it's fascinating, Frank.
06:24Are you going to stay out here for a while now?
06:26No, I'm going to head back just about as soon as I can.
06:28Kind of miss South Carolina, huh?
06:30Yes.
06:31What do we have there, Frank?
06:32There's some drop-ins here.
06:33I didn't really want to see those.
06:34Well, I...
06:35No, not really, Frank.
06:36I'll just peek in there.
06:38Yeah, they're big ones and little ones.
06:39Yeah, that's what they are.
06:40Okay, it's kind of a gift assortment.
06:43Yeah.
06:46Well, Frank, you're a fascinating gentleman, and I thank you for coming out here.
06:49I hope you had a good time.
06:50Thank you for asking.
06:51Give our best to everybody.
06:52Mr. Bob Lowe, they've been real good to me.
06:54Bob Dolshin?
06:55Yes, sir.
06:56They really am good to me, yes, sir.
06:57Well, I hope you have a good time.
06:58It's been a pleasure being out here and visiting.
07:00It's been a pleasure having you here.
07:01I sure do appreciate it.
07:02As I look out to you, you know, I see not strangers, just friends.
07:05I've never met.
07:07Good for you.
07:08Getting your driver's license renewed should be relatively easy.
07:13But in this sketch from 1985, Johnny shows just how tough an exam can be.
07:18The Department of Motor Vehicles is a frequent target of criticism because what is seen as
07:25bureaucratic inefficiency, the discourteous behavior of its employees.
07:28The Tonight Show has invited a representative of the department to answer this criticism and
07:34to explain departmental policies and procedures.
07:37We switch you now live to the Department of Motor Vehicles and its spokesman, G. Walter Schneer.
07:43Hello.
07:44Way down here at the Department of Motor Vehicles receive a lot of complaints.
07:58People complain because of the long lines, they complain because of the inconvenient hours
08:03that were open, and they complain because we like to take real long coffee breaks.
08:09Many of you want to know if these complaints fall on deaf ears.
08:13Let me put it like this.
08:15Hmm?
08:16Now, here at the department, we're all civil servants.
08:22That means that I've got a lifetime lock on this job.
08:25If you don't like it, you can go do something in your hat.
08:34Now, some people say that we issue driver's licenses to people who have no business on the road.
08:43This is another misconception.
08:45For example, our rigorous eye test is one way that we weed out those unfit to hold a valid
08:50vehicular license.
08:52Now, here comes a gentleman now.
08:55Over here, sir.
08:56Just follow the sound of my voice.
08:59I'm supposed to have an eye examination.
09:02All right, very good.
09:03That's fine right there.
09:04Okay, we'll start the examination.
09:05Now, I want you to, uh, right over here.
09:08Would you kindly try and read the top line?
09:11Uh, R?
09:13No, that's incorrect.
09:15Oh, I guess I fail.
09:17Well, not necessarily.
09:18We have a special eye chart for people such as yourself.
09:22Let's start off with this top line here.
09:27Uh, S.
09:28That's right, S, and...
09:30Uh, L, I, P.
09:32That's right.
09:33Slip.
09:34Uh, the M, E...
09:37You got it.
09:38Slip me.
09:39Uh, F, I, F...
09:43Slip me 50.
09:44T-Y-U-C-K-S.
09:48Slip me 50 bucks.
09:49That's right.
09:50There you go.
09:51Oh!
09:52That's good.
09:53And over here.
09:54Oh!
09:55There you go.
10:02Happy motoring, Four Eyes.
10:06Yeah, now, just look for the knob there.
10:09Right, now, now as a special service,
10:12special service for $25,
10:16we'll issue a personalized license plate
10:18with up to seven letters of your choice
10:20to make safe motoring fun motoring.
10:25Are you in charge here?
10:27Yes, ma'am, I certainly am.
10:28The man over at the other window told me
10:30that you gave away my personalized plate.
10:33You people are a bunch of incompetent fools.
10:35Well, we're sorry for the inconvenience, ma'am,
10:37but I'm afraid we did give away your plate,
10:40but here's another one I think you can have,
10:42and it was ordered for Lassie's trailer.
10:44How about that one?
10:59Kind of brightens up our day when we can do that to people.
11:02Now, the most important function of the DMV
11:06is administering the road test.
11:08Now, we make special considerations for senior citizens.
11:13For example, this woman here, Mrs. Gertrude Wilkins,
11:16needs to take the road test,
11:18but she doesn't have an auto,
11:20so we'll provide her with a vehicle.
11:22Now, Mrs. Wilkins, your vehicle is right outside.
11:25I want you to drive it along the prescribed course,
11:27and then I'll come out in a few minutes
11:29and give you your grade.
11:32Lord, I can drive that thing.
11:35You just get out there and...
11:37and drive, Granny,
11:39or there's no license for you at all.
11:40And see, right up the munchkin' land on Granny.
12:04Anyway,
12:06afraid I'll have to flunk you.
12:08Thank you very much.
12:09Let's get out there.
12:16Seven-and-a-half-year-old Kalina Kiff
12:18scored a Tonight Show first
12:20when she stopped by to promote her TV show,
12:23Love, Sydney,
12:24starring Tony Randall.
12:25Would you welcome Kalina Kiff.
12:27How are you?
12:39Fine.
12:39Hey, it's nice to meet you.
12:41It's nice to meet you, too.
12:42You're a very good actress.
12:45Yeah.
12:45How old are you?
12:46You're tiny.
12:47Seven-and-a-half.
12:48You're seven-and-a-half?
12:50Yep.
12:50Yeah, I remember.
12:50We always put the half in there.
12:52When's your birthday?
12:53October 23rd.
12:55You...
12:56I...
12:57You know my birthday is October 23rd?
12:58It is?
12:59Absolutely.
13:01Absolutely.
13:02I'm a scorn.
13:02We're on the cusp.
13:04Between Libra...
13:05Well, you're too small to be on the cusp,
13:09but I'm on the cusp.
13:10Yes, my birthday is October 23rd.
13:16It's never happened on this show before.
13:18And, uh, I'll be 56-and-a-half.
13:23Something like that.
13:24What grade are you in the school?
13:25About...
13:26Um, I'm going under third.
13:28Third grade.
13:28Do you like school?
13:30Pretty much.
13:30Pretty much.
13:31You have to study, don't you,
13:32when you're, uh, when you're working?
13:34Do you, uh, in school?
13:35Who comes down and helps you?
13:36Do you have a supervisor that...
13:38Um, well, I practice with my teacher,
13:43and I practice with Tony and Swoosie.
13:46Ah, Swoosie Kurtz.
13:48Mm-hmm.
13:48And they help you a little bit sometimes
13:49with your homework?
13:50Are they supposed to do that?
13:52Yeah.
13:52That's okay, huh?
13:53Yeah.
13:54Tell me about Tony.
13:55Now, you can just tell me really honest.
13:57Now, since he's not here to, not you.
14:00I mean, do you get along with him all right?
14:02Yeah.
14:03Yeah.
14:03He's one of the nicest people I've ever met.
14:06Well, that's very nice.
14:11Yeah.
14:11I think he feels the same way about you,
14:14because he said that on the show.
14:15Did you see him one night he was on the show?
14:17Yeah.
14:17Do they allow you to stay up this late to see our...
14:19Have you ever seen this show before?
14:21Yeah.
14:21Really?
14:22Twice.
14:22No, three times.
14:23Three times.
14:25Some kind of punishment, obviously, huh?
14:27What do you think of this show?
14:35Do you think Mr. Randall and I are alike at all?
14:37Mm-hmm.
14:37How would you describe him?
14:39He's nice looking.
14:41Yeah.
14:42You consider him old?
14:44Yeah.
14:48Would you say Mr. Randall is older than I am,
14:52or do you think I'm older than Mr. Randall?
14:54No, be real honest, Kalina.
14:57Well, I know how old he is,
14:58and you told me how old you are.
15:07Okay.
15:10We'll keep that secret, then.
15:12Can you stay with us a little while longer?
15:13Mm-hmm.
15:13Do you have any brothers or sisters, Kalina?
15:15No, but my mom's going to have one pretty soon.
15:18Ah.
15:19How soon?
15:19You know?
15:20Um, November 15th.
15:24Pretty good.
15:25That's about when it's due.
15:26Would you like a...
15:27You don't have any...
15:28Would you like a brother or sister?
15:29A brother.
15:31Well, why's that?
15:33Well, I think a little brother would be better
15:36because I have lots of friends.
15:38They have little sisters.
15:40Yeah.
15:41And they drive me bananas.
15:42Yeah.
15:43Little brothers have been known
15:50to drive their sisters little bananas, too,
15:52but that's kind of nice.
15:54Um, do you have a lot of friends in school?
15:56Yeah.
15:57Yeah.
15:57What do you do together when you're not working?
15:59I would like to go roller skating.
16:01Yeah, you're a good roller skater?
16:02Mm-hmm.
16:02Yeah, that's fun, isn't it?
16:03And I'm an ice skater.
16:04Are you going to...
16:05You ice skate, too?
16:06Mm-hmm.
16:06That's great.
16:07So you're going to be on Love, Sydney?
16:09It's at 10 o'clock on NBC, right?
16:119.30.
16:129.30, excuse me.
16:13Yes.
16:14I have trouble with times,
16:16and it's nice to meet you.
16:17Would you come back and see us again sometime?
16:18Yes.
16:19Thank you, Kalina.
16:20Good night.
16:25Fishermen are known for their tall tales,
16:27but we're pretty sure Gary Shandling
16:30told some whoppers here in 1982.
16:32We have a young comedian, Gary Shandling,
16:37who has been with us before,
16:39and he's with us again.
16:40And he's going to be touring the country,
16:42opening for Melissa Manchester,
16:43starting March 31st.
16:44So keep an eye out around the country
16:46where Melissa is appearing,
16:47and you will see Gary there.
16:48Would you welcome, please, Gary Shandling.
16:50Gary.
16:59How are you tonight?
17:00Are you well?
17:01Having a good time?
17:02Great, great.
17:04Have a good weekend.
17:05I went fishing.
17:13I wanted to play it safe.
17:15I went to a place called Lake Kachuma.
17:18You know, it's outside of Santa Barbara.
17:20It's Indian for no fish.
17:23And I never catch any fish.
17:25I never catch any fish.
17:27This is absolutely true.
17:27I go with my best friend Dave.
17:29And we don't have any idea what we're doing.
17:31We're in the boat.
17:31We're trolling in the boat.
17:33We're going 40 miles an hour in the lake.
17:35All right?
17:36The worm is water skiing.
17:37All right?
17:38You know?
17:38He's waving at girls on the beach.
17:40You know?
17:41We're not catching anything.
17:42All right?
17:43So one of the fishermen says, go to the end of the lake.
17:46The fish are spawning.
17:48So I'm figuring we'll be pulling them out two at a time.
17:50I don't want to bother a fish while they're doing this, you know?
17:56I don't want to be making love when someone dangles pizza over the bed, you know?
18:01And you go, excuse me, honey, I'm hungry.
18:03And you get yanked out of the room.
18:05I learned to fish from my dad, who's the worst fisherman in the world.
18:12My dad takes me on a charter boat when I'm like eight years old.
18:15And we go out on this boat.
18:16And my dad casts off the boat and hooks a seagull.
18:20All right?
18:21Because they'll hover over the water and they'll grab the bait.
18:23It's the water, you know?
18:24And everyone's going, geez, the guy's hooked a bird there, you know?
18:27And my dad's strapped to the chair going, boy, he's a beauty, isn't he, Gary?
18:31Whoa.
18:31Look at him fighting me, huh, Gary?
18:35Whoa.
18:35My mother's with a net going, bring him on in, Irv.
18:38Bring him on in.
18:39I'm going, cut the line, Dad, all right?
18:42That's all he catches are birds.
18:43It's great.
18:44I got pictures of him with a fishing rod and an owl in the other hand.
18:56We were at the park once and geese flew over.
18:58My dad's going, geez, I wish I had my rod and reel.
19:02Look at those babies.
19:10Then they got bears up there.
19:12And they give you this pamphlet that says, if you see a bear, you know, don't irritate
19:17the bear, which is the first thing I'm going to do if I see a bear is try to tick this thing
19:21off, you know what I mean?
19:23How do you irritate a bear?
19:25What do you do?
19:25You go, hey, I've seen better fur on a steering wheel, all right?
19:31Your mother's a throw rug, buddy, all right?
19:38Animals are so weird.
19:39I take my dog camping because, you know, I can't get a date.
19:42So I take my dog and he's old.
19:46He's 12 years old and he can't keep his footing in the car anymore.
19:48Have you ever seen this?
19:49He stands up in the back seat and you make a turn and he slides into the window of the
19:52car and he seems to like this, you know?
19:56You turn the other way and he's bouncing back and forth.
19:59This is fun for the dog.
20:01He finally lies down in the back seat and I trick him.
20:04You know, I yell, we're here, and he stands up and I hit a turn real hard.
20:10He likes this.
20:13I do that to my aunt.
20:19Oh, she likes this.
20:22Did you ever dance with your dog?
20:24Did you ever?
20:25Am I the only one who's danced with your dog?
20:28Because when I'm lonely, I have put on a record and picked my Irish setter up by her front
20:33paws and danced with her.
20:35And she loves it.
20:36She's biting my hands going, put me down, I'm a dog, all right?
20:39And take this skirt off of me, would you please?
20:44I just, I'm lonely.
20:45I just broke up with my girlfriend because she moved in with another guy and I said, you
20:49know, that's where I draw the line.
20:51This is true, which is the worst part of this.
21:02She says, she says, hey, you know, we can still be friends.
21:05And I said, great, I'll call you up.
21:06We'll go pick up some chicks.
21:09I just met a new girl in a club, as a matter of fact.
21:16In a nightclub, she gave me her name and phone number on a piece of paper.
21:19Her name was Patty, and she had an 800 number.
21:21It was a toll-free number.
21:26I figure I got a shot with this girl, right?
21:33So we go out on a date, and I'm trying to act macho this whole date, you know, because
21:39it's the first date.
21:40We go to Disneyland, right?
21:41And she decides she wants to go on the merry-go-round.
21:43Now, guys, have you ever tried to act macho sitting on a merry-go-round?
21:47And all the horses are taken.
21:49I'm sitting on a swan, all right?
21:52And the worst part is she saw me push the kid off the swan to get the swan.
21:56So we go back.
21:57This is the part you want to hear.
21:59We go back to her place, and I'm on the couch, and I'm really getting into it.
22:02And she comes into the room and joins me, and we're going on the couch.
22:13I'm whispering in her ear, you know, things like, I got cash, stuff like that.
22:17And she's responding, you know, and I got my clothes off.
22:22Are you guys always nude before the woman?
22:25Because it's embarrassing when you're naked, and she's wearing, like, a parka.
22:29You know what I mean?
22:31And so we're going out, actually.
22:34See, I'm hesitant of relationships.
22:35Is anyone divorced here?
22:40See, now, these are happy people here.
22:42I just had a friend who got divorced.
22:43He had a divorce party, and they showed the wedding films in reverse
22:46with the couples walking away from each other.
22:48Courage under fire?
22:52Here in 1973, Johnny doesn't flinch, even when faced with a samurai sword.
22:59We're going to do something heavy now, Johnny.
23:02Looks like a concrete building.
23:04Yeah, listen, feel it.
23:04Lift it up.
23:06You know, that weighs a good round tip, what, something like 10 pounds?
23:09Maybe not quite that much.
23:12This is more action.
23:15And if you're in for action, this is where you find it.
23:17Don't be doing for action.
23:18Yeah.
23:21Now, the idea is to hit this thing and don't kill him.
23:28Certainly a simple premise.
23:31And I'm good at that.
23:32Now, you have to check his breathing.
23:33That's a regular sledgehammer.
23:35Yeah, it's a regular feeling.
23:37It's a regular sledgehammer.
23:38First, you have to check his breathing, and you have to make sure he's breathing after you hit.
23:41Oh.
23:47I've got your little breathing.
23:48Listen to this.
23:58Don't be scared, Johnny.
23:59That's not it.
24:00Boy, you miss on that.
24:23That'll set you free.
24:25I'm going to let you in on the action.
24:26What do you mean you're going to let me in on the action?
24:31As long as there's action, you've got to be in.
24:33What are you going to do?
24:33No, I would like you to hold this apple between your hand.
24:36You're going to show all those millions of television people that you're very brave.
24:40What are we going to do?
24:41You're going to hold it like this.
24:43Oh.
24:44Like that.
24:44And what are you going to do?
24:45I'm going to cut it from between your hand.
24:47You're going to cut it from between my hands?
24:48Yeah, let him see your face.
24:51No.
24:51No, don't do it.
24:52Don't do it.
24:55Hey, is this guy in your insurance company?
25:00Is this guy's Johnny insurance company?
25:02Like that?
25:04If he uses insurance broker.
25:06That's not very wide between.
25:08Suppose I, at the last minute, I get nervous.
25:10Well, all these years you've been in show business, you've never been nervous.
25:14Well, I've never had anybody do this either.
25:17Okay, let me train him.
25:21Hold that.
25:22Yeah.
25:24Do you want to see what's coming up here?
25:26Do you want me to blindfold you?
25:27No.
25:27Okay.
25:30Up here.
25:33Ow.
25:34You hold your breath.
25:39Don't shake.
25:40I'm not.
25:40I'm good.
25:44Whistle.
25:46What?
25:46Whistle.
25:47Whistle?
25:47Yeah, take away the fare.
25:52How long does that come on this side?
25:54It doesn't touch your heart.
25:55It comes center.
25:57I mean, how much further does that come to...
25:59Just enough to touch your heart.
26:07You're together, Johnny.
26:08You're together.
26:08You're together.
26:09All those ladies have been watching your show all these times.
26:15There are the people who are screaming.
26:16Yeah.
26:17Yeah.
26:18Relax, Johnny.
26:19Relax.
26:20Don't shake.
26:21Don't shake, baby.
26:21Shake, baby.
26:30Wait.
26:30Wait, wait, Johnny.
26:31Wait.
26:31Wait.
26:32Yeah.
26:32Wait.
26:34Okay.
26:36I'll see if I take a little chance.
26:38Since I take a little chance with Johnny, it's really fear that I take some chance myself.
26:45You love that.
26:45That's fair enough.
26:46Yeah.
26:46Good.
26:47Okay, hold this up.
26:48Hold it up.
26:49Both hands.
26:51Now, you was taking chance all the while.
26:53No, I take chance.
26:54I'm going to kick it from that sword.
26:56You're going to kick that off?
26:56Yeah, you look happy now.
26:58Hold it up.
26:59With your bare foot?
27:00With my bare foot.
27:02Anything can happen in Johnny Carson's show.
27:05Wow.
27:06Just hold it up there.
27:07Hold it up.
27:10All who's screaming, let them scream.
27:13Let me try it.
27:16Good.
27:17If I miss, I blame you.
27:19Everybody be still.
27:28I got it.
27:32Angle is right.
27:3316.06 degree.
27:35Backward.
27:36One touch.
27:38Right.
27:39Many people consider a presidential news conference a joke.
27:58But here in 1975, Johnny turns it into an entire routine.
28:03All right.
28:04In recent American history, you've seen an actor become governor of California, a song and dance
28:08man become a senator of the United States.
28:10And we also have found that President Ford has hired a comedy writer named Robert Orban to kind of punch up his material.
28:18He writes his speeches.
28:19Now, some humor in a presidential speech can be good.
28:22But if you get carried away with show business jokes, well, it could get out of hand.
28:26Come with us now as the mighty Carson art players take you to a presidential press conference conducted by Ford's successor, the 39th president of the United States, Ralph Mavey.
28:38Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.
28:59Good evening, gentlemen.
29:00I just flew in from Palm Springs.
29:01Boy, are my arms tired.
29:08Coming up on the plane, I watched a movie so old, the cowboys were riding dinosaurs.
29:13But enough about me.
29:14Let's talk about this great country of ours.
29:16May I have the first question, please?
29:17Scott Reston, Mr. President, New York Times.
29:19Ah, New York City.
29:20I saw the first sign of spring in Central Park yesterday.
29:23A robin mugging a worm.
29:27Mr. President, what is the status of our detente with China?
29:30Well, you know those Chinese.
29:31You have a peace talk with China, and two hours later, you're in danger again.
29:38Hey, Scotty, where'd you get the suit?
29:39Is it a garage sale?
29:43Stir.
29:44Yes.
29:46What is it?
29:47Stir.
29:48Let's move along with the question, Bob.
29:51I was asking you about red China.
29:53Red China.
29:53Well, all I know is red China goes good with a white tablecloth.
29:56Ring it, boom, Bob.
29:58Next question, please.
30:00Harry Watterson, Philadelphia Inquirer.
30:02Mr. President, how do you propose to solve the economic problem?
30:06You make Saudi Arabia the 51st state.
30:07Sir, what's your plan to stimulate the car industry?
30:14Massage Detroit.
30:15Ring it, boom, bang.
30:18Fred Gonsadine, Casper, Wyoming.
30:20Blade.
30:21You're from Casper, Wyoming, huh?
30:22Fred, I'll make you feel at home.
30:24Casper, Wyoming on a Saturday night.
30:25Look, Harry, a cricket.
30:26Ha-ha!
30:27Ring it, boom, bang.
30:33Now, Mr. President, what do you think of foreign relations?
30:36I'm against them.
30:37You don't have to cross the border to get lucky.
30:38Ring it, boom.
30:40I say buy American.
30:41Next question.
30:43Rising prices.
30:44For instance, what about the rising price of chickens?
30:47Rising chicken prices?
30:48I say shoot them down.
30:54Oh, what about offshore drilling?
30:56What was that again?
30:57I said, what about offshore drilling?
30:59Well, that's fine if you can get a dentist to work underwater.
31:01Hurry, come on.
31:03These are the jokes.
31:04I don't get any better.
31:04Yes, right over here.
31:06What do you think of what's going on in the labor movement?
31:08Fine.
31:08I belong to the CIO, because everybody, I see, I owe.
31:16Yeah.
31:19You can't get them by mail.
31:20You got to go right down for a fitting.
31:21What's your comment about the recent flood?
31:25I'll never forget the Johnstown flood.
31:26My uncle was floating down the river on a sofa accompanied by his sister on the piano.
31:30Ring it up.
31:30Is this mic on?
31:33What is this, an audience or an oil painting?
31:34This is it, folks.
31:36How many of you out there from New Jersey?
31:38Good.
31:38Get your shoes on and get the hell out of here.
31:41Next question.
31:42When are we going to see your new cabinet?
31:44My new cabinet.
31:45Is that soon enough?
31:46Where's my new cabinet?
31:47Mr. President, have you picked a new vice president?
31:52No, but I know a president should have his head in the vice.
31:55Ring it up.
31:56Are you going to make any new positions?
31:57I beg your pardon?
31:58New positions.
31:59Yes, here's a new position.
32:02No, no, I'm making a new position.
32:10Let's move it along, son.
32:11What is it?
32:11I'm trying, I'm trying.
32:12Do you have any new appointments?
32:14Yes, I've seen my barber at 3.30.
32:15What came out of the last joint session of Congress?
32:19We all got stoned.
32:22Mr. President?
32:23Yes, what is it?
32:24I don't think you take your job seriously.
32:27Oh, really?
32:27Why don't you get your head, Lance, fat boy?
32:31What are you wearing?
32:32Prescription underwear?
32:36Some people bring happiness wherever they go.
32:37You bring happiness whenever you go.
32:39Ring it up.
32:40I think it is time to go, and thank you very much.
32:43I think it is, too.
32:44Remember, friends, it's National Forester Reeves, so take a treat of lunch.
32:46Ring it up.
32:52Simply put, in 1987, the Peking acrobats put on one of the most amazing juggling displays
32:59we have ever seen.
33:00We have had several members of the acrobatic troops from the People's Republic of China
33:07on the show before.
33:08They are absolutely amazing.
33:09Every time you see them, you say, they can't possibly do this.
33:12We have two members tonight.
33:14Three companies, actually, of acrobats are in the United States.
33:17This summer, they're performing at the Six Flags Amusement Parks in Dallas, St. Louis,
33:21and Atlanta until this Labor Day.
33:23So would you welcome, please, Mr. Sheng Wei Min and Mr. Ding Wei Ping.
33:28Ladies and gentlemen.
39:33Simply can't be done.
39:34Those things look like they're suspended on the wires, don't they?
39:37That's marvelous.
39:38People have said, when are you going to have some big jugs on the show?
39:40Yeah, that's why we brought them to the show, Johnny was a real big animal lover, but sometimes
39:50his pal Jim Fowler brought creatures on the show even Johnny found hard to warm up to.
39:55Would you welcome you, Jim Fowler, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you really keep your tailor busy, don't you?
40:09Yeah, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know
40:39is that it's a good it's good to carry uh things around it how would you like to be a pickpocket
40:49and stop him on the just thinking of that and dip his hand into the what the hell is that that's a
40:55good question this is a very unusual that's not a is that a snake it's not a snake it's a lizard
41:00wow it's a legless lizard and if you'll if you'll lizard you hold the front end and i'll show you
41:04no you hold the front end give me a part you hold the back end you got it yeah because this is the
41:11if you hold that i'll show you that the body goes down to about here and then all that tail
41:15so it's a a harmless lizard a harmless lizard right without uh it's not a snake look at its
41:21look at its mouth and its eyes you'll notice the eyes are more human-like here you can see it is
41:27harmless yeah it's uh and it's got a it's got a flat tongue instead of a you know regular tongue
41:35but it's very unusual this is this is not no it has never been known to bite
41:44never ever been known to bite well it will eat that's not saying that's not saying he can't bite
41:49it will eat mice and things like that but no it i don't think there's any danger where is this uh
41:54is it well it's a reptile it's a czechoslovakian legless lizard and the thing is fascinating is
41:58this is the one that was used in raiders of the lost ark when they were never down the tomb yeah
42:03there are only a few people in the country that would recognize that they weren't cobras but this
42:07is uh the one that was highly uh visible but was not dangerous so that's how they did that
42:12fascinating animal we're gonna set him over in the sandbox because this one bores under the sand oh
42:17here we'll see okay yeah it won't do that is that normally to hide out or what well they just uh
42:23we'll just leave him there and see what he do what he does what he do
42:30yeah why don't we see what he do
42:34he's a burrowing under the sand now you see that
42:37what he's doing there hang on to him if he tries to get out and i'll get the other
42:40he's a burrower yeah i think he'll be all right that that's a good idea
42:55yeah we got it along here got a couple of weird things here i think you'll be especially
43:01happy with this one when you say that i know right away there's trouble you'll notice uh
43:08that's a frog right this is a giant african bullfrog let me see if i can get him out of this i'll show
43:13you how to do it because you gotta like you to have the see how this is done just reach down and pick
43:19him up by both sides right there we go you got to hang on to him a little bit though right why
43:25then set him on the desk because he's got a fascinating habit of how to defend himself
43:30you want it you want to you want to tell me about that first
43:35you want to just clue me in what is fascinating i would show you but it's easier if you take him out
43:39on the desk sure sure i can show you a little bit better jim you know i trust you implicitly yeah i
43:44know you do and just grab him grab him take him by both sides both sides and just pick him up gently
43:49right right and set him on the desk okay that's good i need to hold the bucket that's the reason
43:54set him down that's got they just set him down now all right good now thing is fascinating about this
44:00and i'll show you how to do this and then you can try it a little wet there uh this is this is a frog
44:06that uh expands himself he inhales air if he's attacked and he literally blows himself up
44:12you mean he goes boom exactly and if you're a snake and you're trying to
44:16catch him watch this now you see see what's happening here if i'm a snake trying to swallow him
44:22this is found in africa he blows himself up now he also i'll let you do this he also
44:28wrestles this is one of the most unusual things you'll ever see and that he likes to hold on to you
44:35and uh he'll actually push against you like this okay now try that you'll see i doubt if you've ever
44:41had an opportunity to wrestle with a frog that's right let him hold on to you there you go now
44:48he'll let him stand up and he'll do it push against him now and he'll push back against you he's pushing
44:53that's right you feel him holding on yeah all right now it doesn't seem fair i'm so much bigger than
44:59if you do this then does he enjoy this jim oh yeah oh yeah he's uh he's uh there we go now what do i do
45:07with him now wait a minute leave let him blow just like that a minute now okay now now when you
45:13touch him watch him come through now now touch his stomach there we go i think i think you've
45:20really uh yeah you have quite an effect on animals john now touch him now he's starting to swell up
45:26even more that's right now touch him a little bit faster there you go all right that's a weird
45:32looking it's a strange bullfrog but it's one of the largest of all the bullfrogs in the world do
45:36they eat those uh you know but this eats large things mice and this has teeth it's one of the
45:42few uh bullfrogs that actually have you didn't tell me that no i didn't you always drop these little
45:48tidbits on me after i've been handling i keep forgetting about that but you know that's the way
45:52that goes okay okay so that's the african bullfrog let me get him back off of here
46:05okay all right yeah have to be kind of quiet here that is an ugly looking bird that's about as
46:15strange a bird as you'll ever see in fact now i think everybody probably knows what that bird is
46:20it's a vulture right it's a vulture and it's called the lappet face vulture it's the largest
46:25storing vulture in africa and just take a look at that face huh incredible that's not a that's not
46:33a pretty sight yeah let's take that let's see here oh you better take that glove because if you don't
46:42mind just put that on your left arm all right on my left arm now johnny if you'll come over here
46:48here he's eating more meat while he's in the mood for feeding i want you to call him with this
46:54this is why marlin's in the home now lying here
47:02i want to see if he'll come to the fest i know he will put that on your glove yeah
47:10now walk come over a little closer her name is lightning lightning
47:30walk right on over don't be don't be ashamed to walk over all right hold it higher hold your meat
47:35feet don't come back what what
47:46now walk yeah walk where i think i think that he will come to your fist if you just hold your fist
47:51steady and high hold it like out in front like this like this i come back a bit what do you mean this
47:57will be the first time what do you have jim look here this will be the first time ever that the
48:04vulture's ever flown to uh there you go how do you like that huh now bring them over here
48:16well anyway how about going to africa some time oh sure jim let's head right in the bush now
48:37thank you anyway this is from wiki watchie springs in uh brookville florida and it's the only trained
48:43lapid-faced vulture in the world and i just want to mention sherry williams trained it it's in the
48:47birds of prey show down there well that's fascinating this is one of the great spots always on our show
48:51and i thank you for coming thank you for flying through fifth thank you i'll take that
49:05if you got it flaunt it model jennifer richards gives johnny a special lesson in both focus
49:11and concentration would you welcome jennifer richard
49:25i suppose um john am i too young to be here yes you should
49:48i suppose you are used to that kind of reaction when somebody um
49:51sees you for the first time and in the flesh as they say yes yes indeed um
49:56actually i i started to look like this when i was nine and you're kidding
50:03no and um people tease me because they say i used to develop a cup of grade
50:08you have always been an early bloomer we used to say uh
50:20does the word humongous mean anything
50:26we're talking heavy duty artillery here
50:28uh you seem to be very good natured about it as well you might be um
50:34well it actually it's opened a lot of doors for me
50:40yes i would um
50:42i think that that once you get in the door though there are 9 000 other busty blondes who
50:47also got in the door yeah then you have to uh
50:50the talent has to come through where's this door at yeah where's this
51:01oh yeah yeah let's go where the door is
51:07somebody told me that um you know people always think because somebody you you have a very quiet a
51:12little whispery voice yes actually i have a whole variety of voices um growing up in new york you
51:19know taught me that sometimes you have to be tough right so if anybody hassles me you know i i started
51:24out i'll give them my my meanest new york look and then i'll say something like uh shut up or i'll crack your face
51:31i would i would be interested to see how you do that
51:50uh possibly we shouldn't ask
51:55what did you uh
51:57johnny yeah how old were you when you started to develop
52:01a week ago thursday
52:06uh no but i mean this is rather unusual oh yeah well actually you know i i've played just about
52:12every dumb blonde role in the theater yeah but i'm very proud of the fact that i have 148 iq
52:18that's what somebody said yes that's a very high iq isn't it generally and i'm a cum laude graduate
52:23from brookin college are you really yes i am very proud of that that's right next to the the top
52:27isn't it yeah magna cum laude and then summa cum laude and then cum laude and then cum laude
52:31nice b plus yeah what did you uh or or or yes at least um what was your what was your major my
52:41major was speech and theater speech and theater but actually my my intellect was most helpful in
52:46uh selecting uh selecting prospective dates yeah yes how would you do it well actually i had two very
52:52specific qualifications um first it's too easy too easy first um for my own intellectual stimulation
53:04i felt that we had to have at least one conversation of ten words or more right which is i thought
53:09reasonable and then could you turn away for just a minute look at the band for just a minute okay
53:18here's the biggie johnny what color are my eyes
53:30your eyes are blue
53:43i took a shot at it maybe i can maybe i can luck in
53:48so that's that's you one of the initial questions make sure that they really are
53:51looking at the at the total person did you ever meet someone that looked at your eyes when they
53:55met you uh the only person that knows the color of my eyes i'm marrying oh good really is that nice
54:01that's love that was your
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