- 1 day ago
These "episodes" are curated highlights from Johnny Carson's thirty years of hosting The Tonight Show.
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00:01Even during his own lifetime, Vincent van Gogh was one of the most misunderstood artists.
00:07And in this monologue in 1985, we realize it really hasn't got much better.
00:21I know how you must feel.
00:24You sound good tonight. I'm Johnny Carson. You're a supply-side comedian.
00:27That means I've manufactured jokes and hopefully they'll trickle down to the consumer.
00:33It's an economic joke.
00:38I haven't heard so much applause like that since Mr. Goodwrench backed into his air hose.
00:44Does Mr. Goodwrench bug you a little bit? Have you seen that commercial?
00:48Where the people... I've been looking for Mr. Goodwrench all my life.
00:52I love those scenes on television where the service station where you go into the garage
00:56and the guy comes out and he's got this uniform, little leatherette bow tie,
00:59little hat, says Mr. Goodwrench here.
01:01I don't find those where I get my gas.
01:04I get some freak with a boil on his neck, you know.
01:08You ever notice how?
01:10Comes out from the bathroom dressed like Emmett Kelly.
01:12You want gas?
01:13I want to see Mr. Goodwrench with a little bow tie. Come on. Hi there. How are you?
01:28The place I go, the fellow's name is Mr. Goodshaft.
01:31No, I took my car in last week and I said, my engine's knocking. He said, answer it.
01:44And a young man lives.
01:46You sound good tonight. I'm glad because we got a sketch for you.
01:48The Mighty Carson Art players are going to perform.
01:57I'll give you a little hint about what it's about.
01:58Well, I'll tell you what it's about.
02:00Walter Cronkite, as you know on Friday, does his final CBS evening news broadcast in that time spot.
02:05I've had a fantasy for a long time of what Walter might like to do on that last broadcast after 19 years.
02:12So, that's what we're going to show you tonight.
02:15And you make up for last night. We had a rough audience last night.
02:18How rotten was it?
02:20You got the job.
02:22I, um, instead of laughing, after each joke they held up their green card.
02:27I don't think they...
02:31All right, let's see. Today I...
02:34I checked the calendar of events.
02:36Calendar of events.
02:37And on this day in 1853, whom do you think was born?
02:41Who was born?
02:42Vincent van Gogh.
02:44The famous... Who's he?
02:46You want to hold up your card?
02:50The famous Dutch painter.
02:52He's my uncle.
02:53He's your uncle.
02:58Ah.
03:00Oh, you say so. Good. Say hello. Give me my best, will you?
03:03Yeah.
03:05Well, he was a genius while...
03:07Uncle.
03:09No, Vincent van Gogh was a genius.
03:12And of course, as you know, he cut off his ear in a fit of rage.
03:15And when he did it, his friend Picasso said,
03:18Now you're talking.
03:20Of course, Picasso was a strange guy.
03:22See, some people say van Gogh,
03:24and some...
03:26Some people pronounce it van Gok, right?
03:28How does your uncle pronounce it?
03:29Some people do.
03:39Am I... am I correct in that? Some people do. Say van Gogh.
03:42Yeah.
03:43Van Hock.
03:44What?
03:45Also van Hock.
03:46Van Hock.
03:47Yes.
03:48You want to go sit with this guy out here?
03:52Beg your pardon?
03:53Both ways he pronounced.
03:54He pronounced it both ways. Thank you.
03:57Inside out.
03:58What?
03:59Inside out.
04:00Inside out, right.
04:01Want to get the net?
04:05Okay, I have a late report from the newsroom.
04:08Very late.
04:10John Gavin just resigned as ambassador to Mexico
04:12and he was offered a movie of the week.
04:16I thought that was kind of an amusing joke,
04:18but I seem to be alone in that judgment.
04:22How many of you watched the hour show last night
04:24with President Reagan and Walter Cronkite?
04:26Yeah, good show.
04:28As I mentioned, Friday is Walter's last show on the air.
04:32He's going to stay on and do major news things
04:34and he's going to retire.
04:35And what's going to happen with Walter?
04:36He's going up to William Paley's ranch in Connecticut
04:40where he's going to be put out the stud
04:42to breed future anchor men.
04:45That's right.
04:46I think that's nice.
04:47Keep the breed alone.
04:48Yeah.
04:50You realize that the combined age of Reagan
04:52and Cronkite's 135 years?
04:56Even Lorne Green couldn't translate that into dog years.
04:59That's right.
05:00That's right.
05:03Feel like the power.
05:14A star is born.
05:16In 1986, Ellen DeGeneres makes her debut on The Tonight Show
05:20and launches a career that is still climbing to this day.
05:24This is a good night for a young comedian to appear
05:27because you're all in a great mood.
05:29This is her first appearance on network television,
05:31although she can be seen this month on HBO's Young Comedian Special.
05:35And she's working at the Improvisation in San Diego this weekend.
05:38She'll be at the San Francisco Punchline the 3rd through the 6th of December
05:41and at the Dallas Improv December the 9th through the 6th to 14th.
05:44Would you welcome Ellen DeGeneres?
05:46Ellen.
05:57Hi.
05:59Good.
06:00You feeling good?
06:04Me too.
06:05Feels great.
06:06I've been keeping in shape lately, you know.
06:07You have to.
06:08I'm getting older.
06:09I'm 27.
06:10People say, you don't look 27.
06:11You look like you're about 23.
06:13I'm lucky because that runs in my family.
06:14My grandmother is 97.
06:16She looks about 93.
06:19Have a little nephew who's 4.
06:20Doesn't even look like he's born yet.
06:23Tiny embryo of a thing.
06:25That whole fitness thing runs in my family though, I think.
06:28My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60.
06:31She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
06:40I'm kidding.
06:41We know where she is.
06:42I'm kidding again, you know.
06:46I kid a lot because I'm a comedian.
06:49A lot of people ask me, were you funny as a child?
06:53And no.
06:54I was an accountant.
06:55But, um...
06:59My mother used to hum me to sleep every night.
07:01She'd stand there...
07:02Mmm...
07:05So aggravating.
07:08My parents were extremely cruel to me.
07:09I remember one day I was coming home from kindergarten.
07:11Well, they told me it was kindergarten.
07:13I found out later I'd been working in a factory for two years.
07:16I don't know.
07:20Horrible.
07:25Yeah.
07:26We used to...
07:27We used to...
07:28My dad, when I was about four or five years old, he walks up to me before Christmas one day and he says,
07:31Ellen, what would you like for Christmas?
07:32I said,
07:33Gosh, Dad, I'd like a little dolly.
07:34Christmas Day he wheels in this tremendous heavy metal thing.
07:38No, Dad, that's nothing.
07:41You ever try to dress one of those things?
07:44They're impossible.
07:45We had fire drills around the house so that in case of a fire, we each had a special duty.
07:50Like, my father had to grab the pets.
07:52My mother grabbed the jewelry.
07:53My brother ran out to get help.
07:55They told me to try to save the washer and dryer.
08:00Good thing I had that dolly.
08:04They're heavy.
08:06I used to wander around in the woods when I was a kid because my parents would put me there.
08:09And I'd find petrified wood and I'd think to myself,
08:14what could have scared these trees so badly?
08:18Maybe a dinosaur lifting his leg.
08:20I guess that was scary.
08:23For a tree.
08:25I'm always thinking about these things because to me life is very precious.
08:28It's very special.
08:29We're here for such a short time that everything on this earth should have a reason,
08:33should have a beneficial purpose.
08:34And I feel like everything does, except for fleas.
08:38Fleas do nothing at all beneficial.
08:40I always thought at times like this when we can't figure it out for ourselves,
08:43wouldn't it be great if we could just pick up the phone and call up God and ask him these things?
08:47Just pick up the phone and call up God.
08:49Yeah, hi God, this is Ellen.
08:55Ellen.
08:56Degenerous.
08:58Degenerous.
09:00What's so funny?
09:01No, I never thought of that.
09:03It does sound like that, doesn't it?
09:07I get it.
09:08Listen, if you weren't a bit...
09:09Shira, hold on.
09:11Somebody's at the gate.
09:12Under the gate.
09:22Onward, Christian soldiers.
09:26Yeah.
09:27Just sing along to your tape.
09:33It's not a tape.
09:34They're good.
09:35They're great.
09:36Yeah.
09:37Listen, there are certain things on this earth.
09:38I just don't understand why they're here.
09:40No, not charro.
09:42No.
09:43No.
09:44But there are certain things.
09:45Like, uh...
09:46Insects.
09:47No, bees are great.
09:49The honey.
09:50That's clever.
09:52Yeah.
09:53I was thinking more about fleas.
09:54They seem to have no benefit...
09:55No, I didn't realize how many people were employed by the flea collar industry.
10:06Not to mention sprays.
10:07Well, I guess you're right.
10:09Of course you are.
10:11Of course you are.
10:13Being who you are.
10:15Yeah.
10:17Got a little cold.
10:18God bless you.
10:19Or bless yourself.
10:22Bless yourself.
10:23Oh, I'm still doing that comedy.
10:27You got a joke for me.
10:28Oh, I'd love to hear it.
10:29Uh-huh.
10:30Now, I got time.
10:31Of course you would know that more than me, huh?
10:35That was a joke.
10:36Go ahead.
10:38Who's there?
10:42Got who?
10:44Godzilla.
10:46That was incredibly funny, huh?
10:48Yeah.
10:49Yeah, and another one, sure.
10:50Who's there?
10:53Who?
10:54Got who?
10:55Got a dime.
10:57Oh!
10:59No, I don't have time for another one.
11:00No.
11:02Yeah, I just remembered an appointment I have to get to, so I gotta go.
11:04How about that?
11:05Got who?
11:06Gotta go?
11:07Cute?
11:08Stupid.
11:09Alrighty.
11:10It was good talking to you, too.
11:11And I'll see...
11:12I'll talk to you later.
11:14Thank you very much.
11:17A nose for talent?
11:18Well, when it comes to Miss Abby Jay, you'll have to be the judge.
11:26As I mentioned in the monologue, this young lady has been booked on the show three times.
11:30And we ran along and I said, well, we're sorry, Miss Jay.
11:33And people thought we're putting them on.
11:35Because she is a nose flutist, or a nostrilist, I guess, whatever you want to say.
11:38She's from Sherman Oaks.
11:40Would you welcome, please, Abby Jay.
11:53I thought we should start tonight with you, because you've been here, what, three times now?
11:56Three times.
11:57And I told you one night, you shouldn't feel badly, because Flip Wilson, before he made his first appearance on The Tonight Show,
12:03set in the green room for three, five or six nights, never got on.
12:08So, here you are, finally.
12:10Now, what do you call yourself?
12:11A nostrilist?
12:12A nose flutist?
12:13Flutist?
12:14No flutist is fine.
12:15Uh-huh.
12:16Now, I understand you have other talents besides this...
12:17A million, yeah.
12:18Like, see this fist?
12:19Yeah.
12:39I can...
12:40This...
12:41I can put my foot in...
12:42This was certainly worth the wait.
12:45I can put my whole foot in, too, but...
12:49You put your whole fist in your mouth.
12:51I can put my whole foot in, too, but...
12:52Please don't.
12:53I know.
12:54Please, no, don't, don't.
12:55I know, because it's not ladylike, and my mom's in the audience.
12:57Where did you learn that from? Sean Penn? I mean, what...
12:59No, it's...
13:00When I was a little kid, my mom used to threaten to wash my mouth out with soap if I said a bad word.
13:04And so, in order to prevent the soap, I'd...
13:10I'd go like that.
13:11And then she couldn't put the soap in my mouth.
13:13Oh, that's a...
13:14Okay.
13:15Uh...
13:18What else, uh...
13:19Dare I ask?
13:20What else, uh...
13:21What else you can do?
13:22Uh, millions of things, but in the interest of time, I'd like to do...
13:24I'd do a very unique rendition of the William Tell Overture on all the different parts of my face,
13:28and I thought maybe I'd go right into the flute from that, if that's okay.
13:32The William Tell Overture?
13:33Yeah.
13:34Without the flute first?
13:35First, just with various parts of my face, if that's okay.
13:37Here it goes.
13:38This is my rendition of the William Tell Overture.
13:41Oh, yeah.
13:42That was my only one-f BROWNING-MIFER.
13:44I think I'm gonna move across the fridge.
13:45No, yeah, yeah, no, yeah.
13:46Here it goes.
13:47Tell me how your face is awkward.
13:48Now, with my turn it goes back then...
13:49You heard me then...
13:50Oh, yeah, yeah, no...
13:51I think that would do better work, those two moves.
13:52πολmas Unknown people TL券
13:53実 Heritageines
13:54overturned with thePro lived experience in 2008...
13:55Now, when it worked...
13:56Tell me about you...
13:57That was the one-final3,
13:59It started to be the voilà p Aww-houses...
14:00I think,
14:00so it'll go together.
14:02Other people who knew...
14:03Well, I thought the question was...
14:05You look.
14:05I think your head is about a half-tone low, but outside, if there's ever a musician strike,
14:25guys, we got the whole band right here.
14:28Doesn't that hurt?
14:29Yes.
14:30But this hurts, too.
14:33I remember people doing this on the old major bows, but then it became a Ted Mack amateur hour
14:39where guys would come on and hit their cranium with mallets and play all kinds of things.
14:44And do this kind of stuff.
14:45Yeah.
14:46Okay, what else you got for us?
14:47Well, I guess I'll do the flute, because that's what you haven't...
14:49Now, when did you first decide?
14:51How does one decide?
14:52I love gum.
14:53You love gum?
14:54Yeah.
14:55And when I was little, I used to be a professional gum chewer.
14:57I mean, I used to be a competitive gum chewer.
14:59I used to enter bubblegum blowing countries, and I can blow them up to 16 inches, and I
15:03used to win prizes when I was little.
15:05When you compete professionally, it's very important that the gum be at the proper...
15:07No, this is serious.
15:08At the proper temperature and consistency, therefore, it must be in your mouth all the time.
15:14When I went to private school, when I was seven years old, this instrument, the flute,
15:17was mandatory, but I noticed by playing it with my nose, I could keep the gum in my mouth.
15:22And, you know, once the flute stuck up your nose, you don't want to put it back in your
15:24mouth.
15:25So, I've been doing this for 20 years.
15:26That would be my choice, you know.
15:27This is my original flute.
15:28So, there was no rule as to how you had to play this?
15:31No, no.
15:32I mean, it doesn't say with your mouth.
15:33No, it was private school.
15:34I also brought you two nose flutes, and I'd be happy to teach you after I show you how
15:37it's done, if you like.
15:38Have they been pre-used?
15:39No, they're new.
15:42Maybe I'll just watch.
15:43I'm not very good.
15:44I've never been good at this instrument.
15:45All right.
15:46This is now the William Tell Overture and the nose flute.
15:52William Tell Overture on the nose flute, right here.
16:05This is leading up to the big, a double job.
16:26Well, give him half of it.
16:27Hold it, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.
16:32What are you talking about?
16:33Hold it, hold it.
16:34Hold it, hold it.
16:41Hold it, hold it.
16:44Hold it.
16:47Wait a minute.
16:49It's...
16:49Wait a minute.
16:50No, it's not what you think.
16:52This is the greatest moment of my life meeting you
16:54Well, I think it's close to mine, too
16:56A few moments, we'll top this one tonight
16:59I want to do something a little bit
17:00Ed Sullivan would like to step out of his grave right now
17:04To miss this
17:05That's the only thing I'm worried about, Ed
17:07Right on, Archie, Eddie, no joke
17:09Now, two nostrils
17:12Right here
17:12Okay
17:16What were you going to do?
17:20You were going to disrobe, or what?
17:21I want to do something I've never done with the flute before
17:23I want to do something a little unusual
17:24Because I want to make sure you always remember me
17:25Oh, boy
17:26And I've never done it since
17:27This could close the whole shop down
17:30I've never done it on TV before
17:32And as a matter of fact
17:33I only conceived the idea a month ago
17:35So if I'm a little shaky
17:36I may need your assistance, okay?
17:37Okay
17:37Johnny, are you there?
18:03Johnny, I need you
18:08I'm going to have to take my hands away to play the flute
18:14So I need you to hold my ankles very firmly
18:16So I don't fall
18:17And don't let go of the flute
18:19Now we know where everyone's favorite canned meat got its name
18:45Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for a very rare visit
18:55From that famous visitor from the East
18:58The all-knowing, all-seeing, all-telling, all-obniscient
19:08Famous seer-sage soothsayer
19:10And former fertility advisor to Deborah Norville
19:14Karnak, the Magnificent
19:17We have not seen you for too long a time
19:37That's true
19:38Nice to welcome you once again
19:40Thank you
19:40I hold in my hands the envelopes
19:43My four-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Catherine Mary
19:46Could tell that these envelopes are hermetically sealed
19:49They've been kept in a mayonnaise jar
19:52On Funkin' Waggles' porch since noon today
19:54No one knows the answers inside these envelopes
19:58But you, in your mystical and borderline divine way
20:01Will ascertain the answers without even knowing
20:04Heretofore the questions
20:06Isn't that correct, sir?
20:08Do we have time for this now?
20:10Heart gets longer every time we do this
20:14Now family plugs
20:16I have the first envelope
20:20Here is the first envelope
20:22Hermetically sealed
20:24That's right, I will divine the answer to the question
20:26Yes
20:26In the envelope
20:27Funkin' Waggles' porch since noon today
20:30That's right
20:32All systems go
20:36All systems go
20:38What happens if you take a Sinutab, a Maalox, and a Phenomint?
20:45Mind sweepers
20:55Mind sweepers
20:55Mind sweepers
20:57That's right
20:58Name the book Hitler wrote about his cleaning lady
21:04Remember all powerful Karnak can control air conditioning thermostat
21:17These are a few of my favorite things
21:25What do you say to a doctor who's wearing a rubber glove?
21:32Spam
21:42Spam
21:43Spam
21:44What's the sound of a pig hitting the bottom of an elevator shaft?
21:49Hell or high water?
22:04Name two things you really don't want in your underwear
22:06I hold in my hand the last envelope
22:12May a nearsighted sand flea suck syrup off your short stack
22:27Not easy
22:31Pecan, almond, Saddam Hussein
22:37Name two nuts and a maniac
22:40No respect
22:52Mr. Dangerfield stops by in 1982
22:56To share with Johnny his tale of life's ups and downs
23:00It is respectful time now
23:06This gentleman will be appearing at, get this
23:09The Dorothy Chandler Pavilion
23:11Now that's respect
23:12Now I want to tell you
23:13That's a very strange thing for Rodney
23:15That's like Beverly Sills at the Roxy
23:16Anyway
23:18Believe it is already sold out
23:22But if you'd like to see him perform
23:24He'll be at the San Francisco Civic Auditorium on Saturday
23:26Would you welcome Rodney Dangerfield
23:29What a crowd
23:39What a crowd
23:40Are you kidding me?
23:42You're all right
23:43You're all right
23:43You're all right
23:43Thank you very much
23:45Now I tell you
23:49I'm all right now
23:53But last week I was in rough shape
23:54You know
23:55Yeah, last week my wife cracked up the car
23:57She hit a deer
23:58It was in a zoo
23:59Oh, my wife took her driver's test
24:02She was happy
24:03She got 18 out of 20
24:04Yeah, two guys jumped out of the way
24:05I tell you what, my wife
24:11There's always something, you know
24:13Well, the other day I called her up
24:14I said, well, honey
24:15I've been thinking about the last time we had sex
24:16I'm getting excited
24:17She said, who is this?
24:22My wife, I got no sex life either
24:24Just when I get going, she wakes up
24:26I mean, the other night I told her
24:30I said, don't laugh behind my back
24:32She said, I won't
24:32The funny stuff's on the other side
24:34You're kidding me
24:36You're kidding me
24:38Man, I tell you
24:42I can't relax, you know
24:43My dog drives me nuts
24:45My dog
24:45He wants me to have made him
24:46I wouldn't have made him
24:47Let him go through what I go through
24:48My daughter, too
24:52She's no bargain either
24:53In public school
24:53She was voted most likely to conceive
24:55My daughter
24:57She's been picked up so many times
24:59She's starting to grow handles
25:00I mean, the kids today
25:04They got it too good
25:04When I was a kid, it was different
25:05I had it rough
25:06Well, Christmas, I got batteries
25:08Toys not included
25:08My old man
25:12He didn't help at all
25:13My old man
25:13We used to play tag
25:14And he'd drive
25:15I mean, are you kidding?
25:19My old man never liked me
25:20When he took me hunting
25:21He gave me a three-minute head start
25:22And in a way home
25:25He tied me to the fender
25:26To put the deer in the car
25:27I'll tell you
25:29When I was a kid
25:30I was ugly, too
25:30I told my old man
25:31He never took me to the zoo
25:32He said, if they want you
25:33They'll come and get you
25:34Now, you kidding
25:36I know I'm ugly
25:37Halloween, my wife
25:38Sends the kids out
25:38Dressed like me
25:39You kidding?
25:42You kidding?
25:43You know when you're ugly
25:45It's all right
25:45You're working off
25:46It's all right
25:46You know when you're ugly
25:48Last Halloween
25:49A kid tried to pull my face off
25:50I mean, that's the story of my life
25:55No respect
25:56I don't get no respect at all
25:57Are you kidding?
25:58No respect from anybody
25:59Nobody
25:59You're not easy
26:00You're not easy
26:00Are you kidding?
26:01No respect at all
26:03Why, I donated to a sperm bank
26:05Now I'm the father of three puppies
26:06I don't get no respect from anyone
26:10What, the other night
26:11I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand
26:12My wife lit it
26:13I tell you, it's not easy being mean
26:17Why, I called them Alcoholics Anonymous
26:19They told me it was Miller time
26:21What can I tell you?
26:22What was that?
26:36You're kind of, you're kind of folks, right?
26:38Always have a good time out here, Johnny
26:40Don't you, Lord?
26:40You're nice people
26:40You like it out here, don't you?
26:42Sure, sure, yeah
26:42Dorothy Chandler Pavilion
26:44That's high-class stuff
26:45Yeah?
26:46Yeah
26:46Well, all right
26:47Sold out?
26:48Everything is okay, yeah
26:49I'll be in San Francisco, as you mentioned
26:50Civic Auditorium on Saturday
26:52That's nice
26:52I have a special coming out, too, you know
26:54Do you?
26:54In May, yeah
26:55You want to tell us about it?
26:56Different network
26:57Aw
26:57I'll give you two guesses
26:58Now, it's good
27:02Bill Murray's in it, very funny, you know
27:03And Aretha Franklin, Queen of Souls
27:05She sings Respect
27:06Rude numbers there
27:06And Valerie Perrine's in it, too
27:07Lovely girl, good girl, Valerie, too
27:09I found that out
27:09Now, but things are going real good for you
27:14Real good
27:14Good, huh?
27:14I mean, I just finished my first book
27:16Now I'm going to read another one
27:17Now, but show business is tough, Johnny
27:23You know, that's a tough
27:23You're a kid, you're a kid
27:25Tough, right?
27:26I mean, what's easy?
27:26Everybody has a tough
27:27Everybody
27:27I mean, hookers are giving away toasters
27:29I get it
27:30It's the economy, I guess
27:32Everything, everything
27:33It's a rough racket
27:34You're kidding
27:34Everybody's looking for love, though
27:35Deep love
27:36A lifetime of deep love
27:37I'm looking for a shallow half hour
27:38But I'm not a shallow guy
27:42You know that, Johnny
27:42I'm not a shallow guy
27:43Are you kidding?
27:44I mean, people look at me
27:44They figure I'm the type of guy
27:45I get drunk and go to the track, right?
27:47They're wrong
27:47I get high first
27:48I get drunk and go to the track
27:49No, I'm not a shallow guy
27:52Are you kidding?
27:53I'm a good lover, though
27:53With girls
27:54Oh, very good lover
27:55I make love to a girl
27:55She scratches, she screams
27:57Then she realizes
27:57I'm not going to take no for an answer
27:58That's right
27:59That's all right
28:04Now, the girls I get aren't worth getting anyway
28:09You're kidding?
28:09I get fat girl
28:10Girl, last week I got fat girl
28:11Very fat girl last week
28:12You're kidding?
28:13I'm fat!
28:13I'm fat!
28:15I found she went swimming
28:16She left the ring around the lake
28:17Okay?
28:19That's only fat
28:20That's a big girl
28:21Big girl
28:21Fat girl, you're kidding
28:22Very fat
28:23You don't get pretty girls
28:24She got a job sitting in the front end of trucks
28:26While they changed the rear tires
28:27I didn't know that
28:27She's a fat chick
28:28You're kidding?
28:29Large girl
28:29Heavy, heavy girl
28:30She tried computer dating
28:31The machine messed her up with Detroit
28:33You're a fat girl, Johnny
28:35I'll tell you that
28:36Fat girl, boy
28:37I put my arm around her waist
28:38I got jet lag
28:39Are you kidding?
28:39She was fat
28:40I mean, this girl was fat and ugly
28:42Ooh, she ugly
28:43Ugly, huh?
28:44How ugly?
28:44Well, Christmas
28:45They hang her and kiss the mistletoe, okay?
28:47She's fat, you know
28:48That's a bad-looking girl
28:49Ugly chick
28:49I took her to the beach
28:50They asked me what I use for bait
28:52Bait
28:54That's right
28:57She walks in the room
28:58Mice jump on chairs
28:59Are you kidding?
29:01Unpleasant-looking girl
29:01I shouldn't have to talk about girls
29:03Talk about health
29:03How is your health?
29:04It's very bad
29:05You're a kid
29:05I'm getting older
29:06I'm not a kid anymore
29:06I'm getting old
29:07That bother you?
29:08Oh, yeah, well, you know
29:09I'm getting old
29:09My last birthday cake
29:11I couldn't blow out the candles
29:12The heat drove me back
29:13I'm getting old
29:17You're kidding?
29:17My age to me
29:18The daily double is prune juice
29:19And an enema
29:20Not easy
29:24With sex
29:25I got no energy
29:25Oh, I'm sorry
29:26I get tired
29:26Just holding up the magazine
29:27I mean, Johnny
29:35I got no sex life
29:36I got a water bed
29:37My wife calls her to Dead Sea
29:38Tell you, I figured out
29:42I'm bisexual
29:43I have sex twice a year
29:44Yeah
29:44And my doctor
29:46He don't help either
29:47You know, Dr. Vidi Bumbach
29:48How is he?
29:49How is he?
29:51How's he doing?
29:52I called up last week
29:53I told him I had diarrhea
29:54He put me on hold
29:55Oh, I'm talking too much
30:01Girl, I love the young lady
30:01Back there wants to come out
30:02I'll hear what she has to say
30:03This is about it
30:03Oh, death, where is thy sting?
30:10Death
30:10Oh, you're going into the classics now, huh?
30:13Well, don't you know you're Shakespeare?
30:14Certainly
30:15Oh, Death said that, didn't he?
30:18I think it was Nicky Pomponese
30:20Who said that
30:20Nicky Pomponese
30:21He's my lawyer, you know
30:23Good lawyer, very good lawyer
30:24Yeah?
30:24He had a rape charge
30:25Reduced to tailgating
30:26In the late 1980s
30:35Some people were convinced
30:37The Japanese were taking over America
30:39But how would they do
30:40With their own Tonight Show?
30:42I guess the big news story
30:44Of a couple of weeks ago
30:44Was that the Japanese bought
30:46Wasn't it Mitsubishi?
30:47Yes
30:48They bought Rockefeller Center
30:49Or a controlling interest
30:51Where we used to do this show
30:52And a lot of people are
30:54I guess not upset
30:55But concerned about all of the
30:57Japanese takeovers
30:58Do you know who has the most investment
31:00In Manhattan real estate?
31:02It's not the Japanese
31:03Outside of Americans
31:05I think it's the Canadians
31:06The British
31:07And the Dutch
31:07Then the Japanese
31:10I think are third or fourth
31:11Would you like to hear
31:12What they have bought
31:12In the last few months?
31:14We certainly would
31:15CBS Records
31:21You probably know they bought
31:22Including the Michael Jackson catalog
31:24They were bought by Sony
31:27For two billion dollars
31:29Firestone Tires
31:32Owned by the Japanese
31:33Bridgestone Corporation
31:34Did you know Bridgestone Tires
31:35Are Japanese made?
31:36That's right
31:37They bought Firestone
31:38Columbia Pictures
31:39They just bought
31:40A couple of weeks ago
31:41Including films like
31:42When Harry Metzali Ghostbusters
31:44Purchased by Sony
31:45For thirty three point four
31:47Billion dollars
31:49Payne Weber Group
31:51Eighteen percent
31:51Owned by Yasuda
31:53Mutual Life Insurance
31:54Here's some other homes
31:54You know they own
31:55The Mark Hopkins Hotel
31:56In San Francisco
31:56The Riviera Country Club
31:59In Beverly Hills
31:59Yesterday
32:01Right here in Los Angeles
32:02They bought
32:03The Biltmore Hotel
32:03Downtown Los Angeles
32:05For two hundred and nineteen million dollars
32:06Mere pittance here
32:08Rockefeller Center
32:10I mentioned that
32:11The controlling interest
32:11Thirty percent
32:13They say
32:14Of downtown Los Angeles
32:15Owned
32:15By Japanese firms
32:17You're a member of
32:18Bel Air
32:19And Bobby O'Quinn
32:20Aren't they thinking of buying
32:22Bel Air Country Club?
32:22Yes
32:23Large offer
32:23What have they offered
32:24For the Bel Air Country Club?
32:26More than I make here
32:27Hundred and eight dollars
32:32They offered for that?
32:33Well a few years ago
32:35We got to thinking
32:36As we are
32:36Prone to do
32:38Some of them
32:38Or want to do
32:38Or prone to do
32:39Sometimes we are prone
32:40And want
32:41What would happen
32:45If the Japanese
32:46Bought a general
32:47In the national broadcasting
32:48Company
32:49And all of a sudden
32:49They started to take over
32:50All of the television shows
32:52Including
32:53The Tonight Show
32:55What would happen?
32:56That's what we said
32:57To ourselves
32:57What would the Tonight Show
32:58Look like?
33:00Well here is what
33:00We thought it might look like
33:02Watch the monitor
33:02From Hollywood
33:11The Tonight Show
33:12Starring Johnny Carson's son
33:14This is Edward Blackpahan
33:17Along with Dr. Simonson
33:19And the NBC Orchestra
33:21Inviting to join you
33:23And Johnny
33:23And his guests
33:25Now
33:29He is here
33:30Johnny
33:32Sure you love me now
33:51But I saw you already
33:52Slipping your phone number
33:53To another talk show host
33:54You sound like a good group
33:59You make up for
34:00Last night's crowd
34:01They were not very bright
34:04I looked out
34:05And they were swinging
34:07From a tire
34:07Hanging from the applause sign
34:09How are you doing Edward?
34:19Oh fine Johnny
34:21How's the new baby?
34:22Oh very good
34:24Edward's baby
34:26Just learned how to crawl
34:28By watching Edward
34:29Come into the house
34:29Last night
34:30Hey
34:34Do you believe this weather
34:36Here in Burbank
34:37Huh?
34:37It was being
34:38Very hot
34:39How being hot
34:41What's that?
34:44It was so hot
34:46I saw a robin
34:47Rubbing
34:48Rolling
34:48Right guard
34:49On his worm
34:50Hi Thomas
34:55Ladies and gentlemen
34:57Thomas Newsome
34:58Thomas is being
34:59A good musician
35:00But it's not being
35:01The most exciting personality
35:03When Thomas orders
35:04Clams on the half shell
35:05It's called
35:06Family reunion
35:07Today I went for my
35:14Annual physical
35:15From the National
35:16Broadcasting Company
35:17Doctor
35:17He says I am in
35:18As good a shape
35:19As another
35:20National Broadcasting
35:21Company star
35:22Alfred Hitchcock
35:24You seem like
35:29A good audience
35:30We got a great show
35:31For you tonight
35:32Life is a balancing act
35:38And mastering it
35:39Can make all the difference
35:40But then again
35:41It's a little funnier
35:42If you don't
35:44A couple of people
35:46From the Renaissance
35:47Fair
35:48Out at the old
35:48Paramount Ranch
35:49In Agora
35:49Past Woodland Hills
35:50The young lady's name
35:51Is Babbitt
35:52Close
35:53Babbitt
35:54That's right
35:55Karen Babbitt
35:55Right
35:55And I understand
35:56The young man's name
35:57Over here is Gary Morgan
35:58Who's going to show us
35:59What this contraption is
36:00Good luck
36:01Hello Gary how are you
36:02Fine
36:03Now people have told me
36:04About this
36:05They say this is
36:06Absolutely insane
36:08But I have not seen it
36:09Now what's the idea
36:10I'd like to ask you a question
36:11Do you remember
36:11A few years ago
36:12You had a man on a trampoline
36:13Jump up and never come down
36:15Yes
36:15Well that was me old man
36:16Was that your father
36:17Now he bedeviled you
36:18With a trampoline
36:19And I'm about to bedevil you
36:20With a rope ladder
36:20Absolutely nothing
36:22To climb in a rope ladder
36:23Quite right
36:24Come over here
36:24All right
36:25All right now
36:26Well here we are
36:29At the ladder
36:30And you've got to keep
36:33Three things in your mind
36:35You've got to keep
36:35Your eye on that horn
36:36Up there
36:37Now you have to
36:38The idea is to get up there
36:38And blow the horn
36:39You've got to keep
36:40Your mind on your prize
36:41And you've got to keep
36:43Your butt out of the hay
36:44Oh I see
36:45Now
36:46While watching the horn
36:49You just climb the ladder
36:50Absolutely nothing to it
36:52You reach out
36:54You onk it
36:55And that's all
36:57Now you don't have
36:58To climb down
36:59You just have to climb up
37:01I'll tell you
37:04What I'm going to get
37:05I'm going to hold it
37:08Until you get your balance
37:09A bit
37:09Just hold on
37:10It's all right
37:11Hey Gary
37:12You better fluff up the hay
37:15Put it right there
37:24I couldn't blow
37:25And cushion you
37:26All right
37:30You've got your balance
37:36I'm still holding on now
37:38You can let go
37:39I wasn't ready
37:53Give it another
37:54As they say
37:57That's one turn shot to hay
37:59Yes
37:59All right
38:00Maybe I should start
38:05Without you
38:06Hold it
38:06All right
38:07Come on Johnny
38:12Come on
38:13Come on Johnny
38:15Go get him John
38:31Still want to do it on your own
38:33All right
38:34Let me get started
38:35Let me just get my balance here
38:36There's nothing to it
38:55All right
38:55Shut up
38:56Come on John
38:59In the hay
38:59Get in the hay
39:02Oh I want to tell you
39:04This ain't easy
39:04This is murder
39:07The winner gets a roll
39:08In the hay with Calra
39:09She's right up there
39:09She's going to be an old maid
39:11Before I get up there
39:12By the time I get up there
39:17I'll forget why I'm climbing
39:18Now you did that
39:23Show me how you get started
39:25All right
39:25Let me show you
39:26Now it's attached
39:27One rope at the top
39:28I know where it's attached
39:30Which means
39:32You can't put any more weight
39:33On one side
39:34Than the other
39:35You see
39:36You have to switch equally
39:39One side to the other
39:40You see
39:42You have to honk it
39:44And you don't even have to
39:47Climb down
39:48Just up
39:49Well here's another fine mess
39:58Come on now Johnny
40:03The night depends on it
40:06Opposite energy
40:07Opposite leg
40:09And on the hands
40:09Like this
40:10Switch equally
40:12Okay
40:12Let me tonight
40:19See you
40:20Come on
40:20Come on
40:21Come on
40:22Come on
40:23Come on
40:24Come on
40:25Come on
40:26Come on
40:27Come on
40:28Come on
40:29Come on
40:30Come on
40:31Come on
40:32Come on
40:33Come on
40:34Come on
40:35Come on
40:41Give me that
40:41Keep it warm
40:44Keep it warm
40:44Sweetheart
40:44Come on
40:46Come on
40:47Come on
40:51Come on
40:52Come on
40:56No, sir.
41:08Shall I let down my hair?
41:13One more time.
41:17I can do this.
41:19Now, calm down.
41:28Yes, it's just counterbalance.
41:29Calm down.
41:34Rest your knees like this.
41:37Come on, Johnny.
41:38Concentrate on the road.
41:40The road.
41:49Mr. Warmth, Don Rickles, recalls the early years with Johnny
41:55in a nostalgic sense only Rickles can find.
42:00Mr. Warmth, Don Rickles.
42:01I don't want to get frog fungus.
42:29Sorry, I didn't have time to tidy up here.
42:33No, it's okay.
42:34Jews don't work, zoos.
42:39Ever seen a Jewish line tamer?
42:40Never.
42:41You never hear Lou Lipschitz in a cage or a tiger.
42:44We've seen him in a cage, but that's another story.
42:47How long?
42:48Fine, John.
42:49I haven't been on with you for some time.
42:51It's been a long time.
42:52Yeah, well, you've been busy with other things.
42:53That's...
42:54And I heard the other party's story and...
43:00Well, I'm going to help her get all we can get.
43:06I only kid you, John, because, you know, your mother, your dad,
43:10your whole family, well, your father, the rest of the soul,
43:12he's gone, but your mother, you know, she did call me
43:14and you're short again.
43:15I mean, $50 a week and working as a house cleaner is a little...
43:23When you're a multimillionaire sitting out at Malibu
43:26with those nine-year-olds going,
43:27Little girl!
43:31Well, you do kind of regress.
43:33That's true.
43:33Because we go back a lot of years.
43:35Oh, do we ever.
43:35We know each other.
43:36I know Ed.
43:38Slate brothers.
43:38Yeah.
43:39Ed I used to be very close with, but he got too big.
43:41Yeah.
43:42He sits around now with his wife, Victoria, going,
43:45We're bigger than Johnny.
43:48He's got shoes all over.
43:49Star search, hunt your dog, look for your monkey,
43:52find your animal, go in a weekend,
43:55seven weeks in El Segundo, it's the whole thing.
43:58And he keeps telling me,
43:59Isn't it a shame how Johnny's doing bad?
44:03I'm a friend.
44:04The guy knocks you.
44:04Yeah.
44:05Anyway, look at this.
44:08Tommy Newsom and the other guy, Doc Seppens,
44:11he went, We love you.
44:12We love you, Johnny.
44:12We'll do whatever you want.
44:13They're all busy going.
44:18I don't have to do that.
44:19That's why I haven't been on in a great deal of time.
44:23That's right.
44:24It's about two years since I started.
44:26But I got the phone call and I started doing.
44:29I don't need you, Belch.
44:31I hope your beer truck blows up.
44:35Are you, let me ask you a question.
44:37Are you good with animals?
44:38Would you have been comfortable in this spot?
44:40Well, let me put it this way.
44:41Dogs is the man's best friend.
44:43Right.
44:43But you know, during the terrible times in World War II,
44:46they were in our camps.
44:49And they went, Hello, Mr. Katz.
44:51Ay, ay, ay, ay.
44:52So you're not fine with dogs?
44:54So, no.
44:54I have a little dog now.
44:55We have a little dog, Sarge.
44:57And I love dogs.
44:57What kind of a dog is that?
44:58Well, we got it from a pound, believe it or not.
45:00I think you'd have a Doberman, something like that.
45:02No, no.
45:03Well, we used to, but the wife got tired of barking.
45:06Anyway, uh...
45:07Now, you see, that joke can cost me.
45:09I'll be in heat tonight.
45:10And the wife's going to lay on the bed and go,
45:12Arf, arf!
45:15So I don't need those dog jokes, you know.
45:17And certainly you don't.
45:18That's for sure.
45:20Uh...
45:20Both you guys got a lot of trouble.
45:24I'm happily married until tonight.
45:25Yes.
45:25Anyway, uh...
45:27Because I'm going to go home now.
45:28I know I'm going to take a, you know,
45:29big move at the wife and she's going to lay there.
45:31You called me a dog.
45:33Have you ever been close to breaking up?
45:36My wife and I?
45:37No, you're dog and you.
45:38Of course you're a wife and I.
45:40Yes.
45:41My dog and me.
45:42Yes, Barbara.
45:43Have I ever been close to breaking up?
45:44I'll be very honest.
45:45I was more sensible than you.
45:46You got married when you were 12.
45:49You got married when you were 8.
45:50I was 25 the first time I got married.
45:52Well, what did you know?
45:53You were out in the breath going,
45:54strawberry shortcake, cuckaberry pie,
45:55V-I-C-T-O-R-L-R
45:56Nebraska, Nebraska, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
45:58Did you know?
46:01Well, you got married.
46:01And he was running around going,
46:03off we go into the wild blue yonder.
46:05He was a moron too.
46:06And both of you have college educations.
46:08I never went to college.
46:09I married a wonderful Jewish girl
46:11that just lays there and says,
46:12Gucci, Gucci, Gucci.
46:19Well, you got married very late in life.
46:22Right.
46:22Well, look at the way I look.
46:24But anyway, no, I got,
46:26because I knew, we both knew,
46:28I was in between marriages with you.
46:31Well, I was 38 before I got married.
46:33Well, you didn't know that.
46:34And I ran around.
46:35I was in heat for singers.
46:36Oh, ran around?
46:37Well, singers, singers always knocked me out.
46:39But I knew it was over
46:40when I started carrying the music.
46:41I saw some of those singers you had with.
46:42Yeah.
46:42Well, I've seen some of the girls.
46:44You went in between marriages
46:45and they weren't exactly, you know,
46:46I've seen you with a couple of moose.
46:48But, uh,
46:50but what, in those days when you drank,
46:52you kept saying,
46:53you're gorgeous.
46:54No!
46:57No!
46:57All right.
46:59I mean, so you didn't have any Madonnas.
47:01Do you want me to get in
47:02to start telling stories about you
47:03and you don't remember who?
47:04Let's tell it now.
47:05No, no.
47:05Let the world know.
47:06I have nothing to be afraid of.
47:07No, I'm not going to.
47:11No, no.
47:12We shouldn't,
47:13we shouldn't live in the past.
47:14But you know what?
47:15Yes, we should.
47:15You never answered my question.
47:17What was that?
47:17Did I ever have trouble with my,
47:18no.
47:19The biggest argument I had with my wife,
47:20she said to me,
47:21I want to tell you something very honestly.
47:24That's the kind of wife,
47:25am I right, Johnny?
47:25Am I right, Ed?
47:26I have, I married a value.
47:28And, uh,
47:29on the wedding night,
47:32she went,
47:32is that about it?
47:34Ah.
47:37I married within my range.
47:39Let me put it to you.
47:41In your species.
47:43I didn't go overboard
47:44with the other broads
47:45like some of my black brothers
47:47that go,
47:47yeah!
47:49You know, yeah.
47:50Jews don't do that.
47:50They said,
47:51well, start in a minute,
47:52I'm going to go get a paper.
47:56And you Irish guys go,
47:58and Victoria isn't over!
48:01Anyway, so, um...
48:03I've missed you on this show.
48:06You got...
48:07Well, thank you,
48:07but all it takes is a call.
48:09That's right.
48:09Um...
48:11You just...
48:11You're right.
48:12You're right.
48:13You're right.
48:13You're right.
48:13You're right.
48:14I'm gonna send it Vancouver.
48:15You're right.
48:15Yeah.
48:16You're right.
48:16You're right.
48:17You ask me...
48:18You're right.
48:18You're right.
48:19It's gonna be like,
48:20you're right.
48:21That's gonna be like,
48:22you knowh...
48:23I saw you!
48:25You knowh...
48:26You got to be like...
48:27For me,
48:28believe me.
48:30I loved it.
48:30Where you were!
48:32I was already,
48:33going from her,
48:34you knowh...
48:35What it was like?
48:36I moved down to you
48:37it.
48:37Right?
48:38No...
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