- 2 days ago
"Return to Studio One" is a famous "lost" episode of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, originally broadcast on March 6, 1969. This specific show is a highly regarded segment and a key feature in several "Best of Johnny Carson" DVD collections.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I'll see you next time.
00:30And now, here's Johnny!
01:00And now, here's Johnny!
01:30And now, here's Johnny!
01:59Yeah!
02:00Did you know?
02:03I did not know until this trip out here that there's a primary race for mayor coming up soon in Los Angeles, right?
02:11And I saw a lot of signs today that said, return Mayor Yorty.
02:15And unfortunately for Mayor Yorty, the signs were at L.A. airport just after he got off a plane from Mexico.
02:20Oh, this is a good audience.
02:24We love it out here.
02:24This is the end of our first week.
02:25Typical audience.
02:26Where else would you see old ladies applauding by slapping their bear midriff with a roll-up copy of Teenage Nudist?
02:32We don't get that in Los Angeles.
02:36I almost didn't get out here tonight.
02:40I stopped to watch a Hollywood funeral procession.
02:43Now, I know that that sounds a little callous, but you see, back east, we seldom get to see a topless kazoo player riding a yak.
02:53Did you hear from Forest Lawn at all this trip?
02:58I told this story last year I was out here, because I kidded Forest Lawn, which is a very unusual establishment.
03:04And I kept making jokes on the air, and the next day, after about three days, I got this call.
03:08True story.
03:09And this voice.
03:09And you knew the guy who worked for Forest Lawn.
03:12Is this Mr. Carson?
03:13They always do.
03:14I said, yes.
03:15He says, you've been doing some material about Forest Lawn.
03:18I said, yes.
03:19He says, but we will have the last laugh.
03:23He had me in a box, ready to go already.
03:28People are nice at her.
03:29You know what?
03:30I think they're more friendly in California.
03:31Would you say than New York?
03:33Gotcha.
03:38As a matter of fact, a couple of days ago, in honor of Ash Wednesday, a motorcycle gang.
03:43You got something, folks?
03:47What is it?
03:48A motorcycle gang.
03:49Row down the Sunset Strip and put ashes on people's foreheads by grinding their cigarettes
03:54out.
03:54Isn't that nice?
03:58A little rain out here again.
04:00Boy, you've had enough, haven't you, in Los Angeles?
04:02Yeah.
04:03Have you seen the free press?
04:05Huh?
04:06That they hand out, these people hand out to you?
04:09Well, how do you explain the free press for people who haven't seen it?
04:12But the rains have triggered a whole new wave of ads, which are rather interesting.
04:16Saw one today, it's this girl with wet rumpus room.
04:23Wishes to meet man with sump pump.
04:34You've seen it?
04:35You've seen it, haven't you?
04:36I bought one today from one of those sidewalk machines.
04:39The machine self-destructs in ten seconds after you drive.
04:41Los Angeles had a scare this morning.
04:44The sun came out for about 15.
04:46The church is filled up in about half an hour.
04:49Our staff is doing well.
04:53It's like sailors on leave.
04:54We come out here and we act sillier than we normally do because we're away from home.
04:58And John Carsey, our associate producer, he's strange.
05:04Um, he likes the Hollywood Wax Museum.
05:08Um, I know, I saw him about five this morning in a hotel trying to carry the Bride of Frankenstein across the door.
05:15Um, at least I think it was him.
05:17Bobby Quinn, you know Bobby, the beast with ten fingers.
05:19Bobby!
05:21Don't make these jokes up.
05:22Last night, Bobby was picked up with an unidentified gypsy in Griffith Park trying to force-feed a squirrel Mexican jumping beans.
05:28Did you believe that?
05:29We're out in Burbank.
05:33I say Hollywood, but we're really in the beautiful downtown Burbank, as Dan and Dick say.
05:37I passed Dean Martin, was coming in the gate out here, and he'd forgotten his identification to get into the studio.
05:41And he was apologizing to the guard, and the guard says,
05:43It's all right, Mr. Martin, we know who you are.
05:46And Dean said, Thank goodness, who am I?
05:50That happened right outside the, uh...
05:53Of course, you've heard the big news.
05:54I just discovered water off Santa Barbara.
05:59They've opened three new restaurants down on the Santa Barbara coast.
06:07Ask me what the names are.
06:08What are the names?
06:09Hmm?
06:10What are the names?
06:11The man wanted to know what the names are.
06:13They've got Don the Beach Greaser.
06:14It's a new place.
06:15Uh, Leaky Pete's.
06:18And Trader Yip.
06:22All right, no, no, you don't have to go.
06:25What are you doing this weekend?
06:26Ah, now, I kid him about you.
06:29I wouldn't want to say he's implied you would do anything to pick up a little loot.
06:32But name me one other big-time announcer who, on a weekend, would put on a grass skirt,
06:38go to a filling station, hand out wiki-wiki dollars.
06:43Wendy Rich is with us, and Louie are going to do something together.
06:46We have Judy Karn from Laugh-In, that lovely, lovely girl.
06:49Um, I believe George Goble is here tonight, whom am I leaving out?
06:55And who else knows?
06:58Mr. Rich likes to come out in front and watch, doesn't he?
07:01Okay.
07:01So, stay where you are.
07:03Where did you get that coat?
07:05I've had this.
07:06This is a California product.
07:10Oh, well, whoopee-doo.
07:13See what happens when you start wearing that stuff?
07:15You start to go bananas when you wear that.
07:22I've held my body back as long as I can.
07:35Oh, I wish I had a line, but I don't.
07:38Anyway, we're going to have a great wild time tonight, so we'll be...
07:45We've got something that's going to be really, really exciting.
07:49Did you miss the Samplein when they were...
07:50I missed the Russell, yeah.
07:51As you know, out here we've got, uh, Louie Belson,
07:54who is one of the fine, fine drummers in the world.
07:57I don't even know how you equate drummers when they're this good.
08:00And, of course, Buddy Rich has won about every pole, I guess, in his life
08:03that you can win, the Playboy pole.
08:05The album Mercy Mercy is number three on the charts, I hear.
08:09Um, and, uh, what can you say?
08:13And they've got together tonight with the troops,
08:16and we have a beautiful set-up here,
08:18and it's going to be crazy time.
08:19So would you welcome Louie Belson and Mr. Buddy Rich.
08:23Welcome, Mr. Buddy Rich.
08:24Welcome, sir.
10:52Oh, yes.
10:53We nearly got it on.
10:54Hello, Mr. Rich.
10:56Pleased to meet you.
10:56Hello, dear.
10:57Nice to see you.
10:59Oh, go.
10:59Oh, uh, I want to tell you, you are, you're something.
11:04Thank you, love.
11:05Yeah.
11:05Is that my dress?
11:07What there is of it is, uh, is, I've seen doily is better than, uh, Adam McCassar.
11:14You know what an Adam McCassar is?
11:15Pardon?
11:16An Adam McCassar.
11:16Those are the things I used to put on armchairs, little lace things that...
11:19Oh, yes, yes.
11:20On the backs of chairs.
11:20They're called something different in England.
11:22They're called chairbacks, which...
11:23Oh, okay.
11:24Right?
11:25We're probably behind the times.
11:26Adam McCassar is kind of a dumb name, isn't it, for chairbacks?
11:28Right, right.
11:30Why would they call it an Adam McCassar?
11:32I know.
11:32The Americans do tend to complicate things a bit, I think.
11:35We have a lot of different things here that can get you in trouble.
11:37I mean, if you say them in England, they're completely different, right?
11:40Oh, I'll say.
11:42More trouble here.
11:44You get into trouble when you come here.
11:45You know, knock me up at nine and all that sort of thing.
11:49That means wake up.
11:51That's right.
11:51Right.
11:52Somebody said that to me on one trip to London.
11:58I explained to the judge...
11:59During pre-trial exams.
12:03It was very strange.
12:05But that's cute.
12:07I'm starting a fashion line.
12:09You were going into the clothing thing?
12:10Is this one of your little designs?
12:12Yes.
12:12Well, no.
12:12I didn't design it.
12:13There's this marvelous girl called Claudette Durand.
12:16And the line is called Claudette.
12:17And she's done a line of Judy clothes.
12:19And this is one of them.
12:20Judy clothes?
12:21Yes.
12:23And we have a fashion show at Sandra Anita Racetrack, of all places, on Saturday.
12:28And we're going to model them.
12:29And I'm going to put them on.
12:29On the racetrack?
12:31Yes.
12:31We're going to do it in between races.
12:34You know, something different.
12:34That's a novel, eh?
12:35Yeah.
12:36That's a novel.
12:36Everybody does it at a hotel or something.
12:38So we thought we'd do it at a racetrack.
12:40Yeah.
12:41And anything to be different, right?
12:44Sure.
12:44So we're going to do that tomorrow.
12:46Tomorrow.
12:46That's a good idea.
12:47That's a good idea.
12:48What else are you involved in?
12:50Um, I'm leaving for England on, uh...
12:52Going back home?
12:53Monday morning.
12:53Did they get a laugh in England?
12:55Oh, yes.
12:55We talked about that the other night, I'm sure.
12:56Yes.
12:57And, um, I'm sort of really excited because I'm going to do a whole bunch of, uh, craft,
13:03musical summer shows.
13:04Oh, great.
13:05Which will air here and there.
13:06What are you going to do with Whitney?
13:08Oh, don't put me on.
13:09Oh, you were walking, you devil.
13:10She had a dog on the show the other night.
13:12And right in the middle of it, I don't know why, the dog's name is Whitney, which struck
13:15me.
13:15And I said, are you taking Whitney to London?
13:16And I said that dumb question for a grown man to ask.
13:19That did it.
13:20But Whitney's...
13:20From then on, all your questions were just...
13:23Whitney's staying here.
13:23Right, yes.
13:24Unfortunately, well, that's silly law, you know.
13:26They're so antiquated with that.
13:29We're back now.
13:31I know you were taping the, uh, the other night, Bob, because, uh, they had the dinner
13:35for Jack Benny.
13:37Right.
13:37And you got hung up until about 12.30 or 1 o'clock in the morning to do your show.
13:39I was all set...
13:40I know.
13:40I was all set to come over there and say a couple of things because, uh, not only because you
13:44were there, but Jack was so nice enough to do a dinner for me down at the Desert Classic.
13:48And, uh, you know, he does a lot of things.
13:51He's a guy that does great things.
13:53And he was celebrating...
13:53You were the emcee, weren't you?
13:54I am seated.
13:55And, uh, celebrating his 75th anniversary?
13:5875th year old, 20th year in television.
14:00It's hard to believe, isn't it?
14:0120 years in television.
14:04That's hard to convince the producers of Turn On, I bet, huh?
14:0620 years.
14:11The only show that got canceled during a commercial.
14:13That is a short...
14:14The middle is to turn off.
14:16No, but, um, wasn't that something?
14:18Well, that was George, too, though.
14:20We shouldn't mention that because George has done pretty well with that other thing.
14:23A big shop.
14:23A big shop, too.
14:24But Jack is great, you know.
14:25And I'll tell you one thing.
14:27You can't...
14:27There's no way you can not like Jack Benny because he not only does great things for people,
14:32but he's also, I think, got the prettiest legs at Sun City, don't you?
14:35He does.
14:37You've seen him in drag, haven't you, huh?
14:39He's beautiful.
14:40That's when I met him the first time.
14:41I followed him two blocks.
14:45He was so embarrassed when I caught up to him, I signed him for a guest shop.
14:47This is the truth.
14:50No, but he is a wonderful...
14:50No, Jack did that line on himself the other night.
14:52Did he really?
14:52That he does about when, uh, about Phil Harris.
14:54Yeah.
14:55Most of them said about him.
14:55Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:56Phil Harris once said about Jack Benny.
14:57And Jack quotes the line himself.
14:58He says, Phil once said that you put a dress on him and you could take him any place in town.
15:03But can you imagine this guy, uh, you know, at his age?
15:09He's one of my favorites among the older fellas.
15:12And, uh...
15:13At his age, the way he's going, it's just...
15:16And he's the delightful ham, this guy.
15:18He really is.
15:19He's, he's the most...
15:20He talks about you the other night.
15:21He's the delight...
15:21He's the delight...
15:22Well, I think...
15:23Well, I give it to him.
15:24Really.
15:24If a sink gurgles, he does 20 minutes.
15:28It's just gurgles.
15:29It's true.
15:30Want to bring, want to bring, uh, George Stanton back right here?
15:33We've got to.
15:33He's a delightful guy.
15:34I think he's one of the funny, funny men in our business.
15:37Who?
15:37George Goble.
15:38George Goble?
15:39George Goble.
15:40He, I dig him.
15:41I thought he was going to introduce me again.
15:44I love him.
15:45George Goble.
15:45Look at George.
15:46Come on, George.
15:46Sit!
15:47Come on, George.
16:07Hmm.
16:10Go.
16:10Do it.
16:14Good.
16:14Come on.
16:15No, but where's the guy you talk to?
16:27Oh, I love that.
16:30John!
16:30That's just the way it works.
16:33John!
16:35So this is old John, huh?
16:38You know, not only are you important in show business,
16:41but I found out you're important in hotels and everything.
16:44The best time I get a room, there's a John.
16:52You all right?
16:53Oh, yes.
16:54How long do you have to wear that brace?
16:56It's not very long.
17:03Well, I got the test back today.
17:05It's coming a long night.
17:07Now, this is the way you do it every night, huh?
17:09I thought you were in New York.
17:10You're doing it.
17:11We do not.
17:12We come out here twice a year, Gene.
17:14Come out where?
17:15Come out here.
17:16In California.
17:17Oh, we're in California now.
17:18California, yeah.
17:20Let's talk my way once in a while.
17:22I want to live, too.
17:33Just don't talk up.
17:35You'll set off the sprinkler system.
17:36We're going to get off.
17:38Get wiped out here.
17:39This is beautiful.
17:40Oh, this is beautiful.
17:41It is good to see you.
17:42I thought you were all...
17:43What did you call me?
17:44Lonesome what?
17:45No, no, no.
17:45I'm talking about George Cobalt.
17:47I didn't know you were going to come out here.
17:48Oh, no.
17:49George isn't here.
17:50George Lance did it.
17:52Who's George Lex?
17:53Well, old John.
18:01Yeah, I thought this place was bigger than this thing here.
18:04You work that.
18:05You work when you do your show down the hall, right?
18:07That way.
18:08Don't hold to the building.
18:09Building here.
18:09You drink a lot, don't you?
18:10This is it, huh?
18:16Now, they always kid you about...
18:18Aren't you supposed to ask me things?
18:19Sure.
18:20Can I try this?
18:21Because people always kid and say,
18:23it's just a prop.
18:25You know, it's a show business prop.
18:26That's, uh...
18:28Holy...
18:31Holy...
18:32Oh, sure.
18:34Oh, well, Todd.
18:37These are all American boys, but I do the drinking.
18:39Yes.
18:40I say, to hell with a doctor.
18:47Beautiful.
18:48Beautiful.
18:51Speaking of doctors, my doctor...
18:52Don't give it to Eddie's back on prune juice.
18:56My doc sent me a note.
18:57He said, he said, stop smoking.
18:59Yeah.
18:59I rolled it and smoked it.
19:01Smoked a note.
19:01Okay.
19:02You ought to do that.
19:05Ah!
19:05There's the guy with all the new suits, huh?
19:07Yeah.
19:08He can't make that much money.
19:09I'll tell you that.
19:11Well, I finally found a perfect girl.
19:15I could not ask for more.
19:17She's deaf and dumb and oversex and owns a liquor store.
19:19There was an old hermit named Dave.
19:31No, that's a whole...
19:32There was an old hermit named...
19:35What?
19:35Named Dave.
19:36Dave.
19:36There's another type of a limb right there.
19:38Well, old John.
19:40Old John.
19:40Right here.
19:41This is the way the show works.
19:43Well, you've got to ask me something.
19:45I just can't sit here.
19:46You're all, uh...
19:48They're going to do something.
19:49Look at that.
19:51What are you doing, fellas?
19:52What are you doing?
19:53You're through for the season, aren't you?
19:54Oh.
19:55Yeah?
19:55Are you through?
19:58Scared me.
20:02Yeah, well, I'm through for this season.
20:03Yeah.
20:04Yeah.
20:04Of course you are.
20:06Yeah, I finished my show, uh, last show, Christmas.
20:10Yeah.
20:11And what are you doing?
20:11What are you doing now?
20:13I mean, it's...
20:13Nothing.
20:14I'm going to go to, uh, Minneapolis...
20:16Hmm?
20:17...to do airport with Burt Lancaster.
20:19Yeah.
20:21Good book.
20:25But somebody hijacked, uh...
20:27We're going to do it in Cuba.
20:30Right.
20:30That's not why I'm that hard to believe.
20:32No, it's the truth.
20:32The truth.
20:33Yes.
20:34Yeah.
20:34Ha!
20:35Ha!
20:36You've got a great thing going with those Matt Helm things.
20:38Because all you have in them are beautiful girls.
20:39Like Bob.
20:40Every time Bob does a picture.
20:41Beautiful girls.
20:41Well, that's why Bob has been a success.
20:43He's always had beautiful girls with him.
20:46And, uh...
20:47Jeannie don't want me to do that.
20:50You don't want a bad eye, huh?
20:51Ha!
20:51Ha!
20:58Jeannie, you're beautiful.
21:00I read it in...
21:01I'll ask.
21:01I'll bet you, Grace.
21:02Yes.
21:03You read what?
21:05You'll be working with Clay soon.
21:06You're getting much better.
21:07You'll be...
21:08You'll be after that weekend privileges soon.
21:11Uh...
21:11Last time I ran into Dean, one time I ran into you, was in Las Vegas in the summer.
21:15In July.
21:16You ran into me where?
21:31You ran into me where?
21:33In July, it was about 114 degrees.
21:35And you were out on the golf course.
21:37In 114 degree?
21:39How do you play in that kind of weather?
21:41Remember golf course?
21:42Try to read my lips.
21:44Golf course.
21:46Summer.
21:46Las Vegas.
21:48Oh, yeah.
21:49The summer.
21:50Yeah.
21:51Oh, I play a lot of golf in Las Vegas.
21:55You know, I heard that somewhere.
21:57I do.
21:58Yeah.
21:58Play a lot of golf there.
22:00Yeah.
22:00I played with you once.
22:01It was 114.
22:03I didn't know that.
22:05You said it, man.
22:06The only fellow I know uses a cork for a tee.
22:15Why, this sure...
22:16Yeah.
22:19This sure beats staying up.
22:21Doesn't it?
22:21That's all.
22:27This is a lot of golf.
22:29Do we have to cut away for a second here?
22:31We're going to leave for just a second or two.
22:33We're coming right back here.
22:34We're coming back?
22:34Oh, yeah.
22:35Welcome back to...
22:36We are on the air.
22:37We're back now.
22:38Wait.
22:39We're back.
22:40We're back.
22:40Back, back.
22:41Back, back.
22:41Back on the air.
22:42Back on the air.
22:43Well, on the air.
22:45On the air, live.
22:45Going right...
22:46Going right into all homes across America.
22:48We're on the air.
22:50I watched you last night.
22:51You had, you know, all the laughing show in.
22:55That was Monday night.
22:56That's just the last night.
22:57Last night.
23:00You're on a delayed broadcast out here at your house, aren't you?
23:03What a set does it take?
23:05What is tonight?
23:07No, no.
23:07Tonight is a Friday.
23:08Friday?
23:09Friday.
23:11I missed my own show.
23:20And it was...
23:21You said I saw it.
23:22You were lucky.
23:24Little zingerini there, huh?
23:25Yeah, I do.
23:26I want to tell you about...
23:27Last night, Jeannie, she's surprised she had a nice little supper with the candles, you know.
23:32Oh, sweet.
23:33And I said, just hold it, baby.
23:34I'm going down the cellar.
23:35And I went down and I brought up something real old with cobwebs and everything.
23:40My mother-in-law.
23:40Yeah.
23:43Must have been a little musty, I suppose.
23:45Oh, it must have been a beautiful day.
23:48Yeah, it must have been a little bit of a...
23:49Okay.
23:51Okay.
23:52Do you, um...
23:52Are you a fast study?
23:53You're going to go to this movie airport.
23:55You said Bert Lancaster calls you and...
23:57He called...
23:57Bert called me.
23:58He said, want to do a little rehearsal?
24:00And I said, no.
24:01You just learn your lines, I'll learn mine.
24:03We'll see if they fit.
24:04I mean...
24:05He said, we'll go jogging.
24:08I said, you go jogging, I'll go jogging.
24:10I don't want no award.
24:13I just want to get this thing over with.
24:15It's all we can do.
24:16Airport.
24:24Yeah, when Dean Martin shows up, well, you'll be surprised.
24:27He'll be out here shortly.
24:28I met him coming down here.
24:30Yeah.
24:31How did you get over here tonight?
24:32Did you drive over?
24:33No, I don't have a car.
24:34Flew down.
24:34Flew down?
24:37No cars at all.
24:39Oh.
24:40I got a lot of gas in there.
24:44Probably got an old piece of shrapnel in there from the war that's just kicking up on you, right?
24:48There's nothing I do want to say.
24:54Did anybody catch that?
24:57There's George.
24:58George is going to get out of here.
25:08Hello, George.
25:09Give me your spot.
25:10You're very sweet.
25:11Oh, that's okay.
25:12Johnny, I want to tell you, I'm very glad to be here.
25:15And I'm going to tell you, without me, your show tonight would have been nothing.
25:19There's a pretty fast league.
25:30Oh, this is, uh, the eight troops are out here tonight.
25:32And I'm glad you saved me.
25:33Now, you know.
25:34Because, uh, you know, when you come on last, you're, uh, did you ever get the feeling, uh, did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?
25:48One of those days, huh?
26:02And I have a feeling it's going to get worse before I get rid of you.
26:07Know where to go, but, uh.
26:09Because I told Alice I'd be home early.
26:12And in good shape.
26:14You're in good shape right now, I think.
26:17That's about the best I ever felt in my whole life.
26:21Just waiting for you to get off.
26:23You know, I had the, I had the yips and the jingles and the whips and the clanks and everything.
26:27You know, because you guys, you know, I don't mind somebody getting a few laughs, but this is ridiculous.
26:33I mean, when you're waiting in the, in the back.
26:36Hey, you.
26:37What?
26:37After the laughs I heard he got, I started drinking.
26:44Well.
26:47I gotta say one thing, uh, I started even before he got the laughs.
26:53I figure you ought to get a good early start.
26:56Do you, do you have one or two, George, before you perform?
26:58Just to kind of settle in there.
27:00Oh, me?
27:00Oh.
27:07Is, is, is, is the Pope a Catholic?
27:12He talks like a man that lost his mind.
27:15You gotta have sight fits, too, when you're down here.
27:20Well, I'm a sight, you know, I, I, I, I just, uh, no, I, I get so jumped up like this because this has happened to me before.
27:28One time in the desert, they had a big show, and this fellow said, George, we need you right now.
27:33We really do.
27:35You better get down here, Georgie.
27:36Uh, oh, no, I just come down to rest.
27:38And he said, oh, we're not gonna have a show, and it turned out just like this.
27:42I get down there, Bob Hope, Phil Harris, Keely Smith, Ray Bolger, and, and, uh, I guess, I don't know why, but, uh, I guess it's because everybody else squeaks and they figure I won't complain too much.
27:55So, in the meantime, I'm sitting back there and waiting to go on, and I think I'll have one just to steady myself, you know.
28:01And I do, because, you know, and let's face it, you ask me if I do have a, I, I have a drink or two on occasion.
28:08You know, like if the sun goes down or something like that, then, uh, Volkswagen drives by.
28:14Yes, anything.
28:14Ken, I fired up pretty good, isn't it?
28:18But, uh, no, but I'll tell you one thing.
28:21I have, I have never been known to touch a drop during a total eclipse.
28:29Which is more than I can say for my friends.
28:31Right.
28:31George and I, we, we drink moderately, and I got a case of it in the back of my car.
28:38I'll bet you do.
28:39Boy, he's got a lot of, and we're going to get right back to the edge of your car right now.
28:42You can bet your sweet face.
28:44No, no, the thing is, I just had to think about that a little bit.
28:49Yes, it takes time.
28:50Comes in a little bit late, you know.
28:51Like he says, he misses his show.
28:53You know, I, I've, I've got a television set at home that I built myself.
28:57And, uh, and I miss, uh, I don't miss any shows, but I mean, they, uh, uh, like sometimes
29:05we don't get the nine o'clock programs till after midnight.
29:08That's because I built it myself.
29:10Now, I forgot where I was.
29:15Would you like us to roll an army cot out and catch a couple of short naps sometimes?
29:19No, it's okay.
29:20I'll, I'll lie out of it.
29:20Like a shot, yeah.
29:21Don't worry about it.
29:22You're doing some commercial.
29:23What, what is this?
29:23I should know.
29:24What is this?
29:24Oh, this is, uh, no, this has nothing to do with the commercial.
29:27Oh.
29:28This is the American Fighter Pilots Association.
29:31Really, it is.
29:32Is that right?
29:33Yeah, it's not.
29:34If I'm lying, I'm dying.
29:36I didn't come out here to tell you a lot of big lies, you know.
29:39You mean you fight pilots?
29:41No.
29:47You know, you know, the same thing happens, every time I get on your show, the same thing
29:51happens.
29:52We get to goofing around, and you say something that you're not supposed to say, and...
29:57You make it dirty.
29:58Well, I don't really make it dirty.
30:01I don't know what you're squawking about.
30:03I did the warm-up here tonight.
30:04But it's a funny thing, you know, that I would have five dogs, because actually, I never
30:15got along too good with dogs, really.
30:17Yeah.
30:18Never.
30:18I mean, I had trouble with dogs.
30:20I used to get bit by dogs like other people get bit by mosquitoes.
30:24But dogs are like it.
30:25Never.
30:26When I was a kid, they didn't.
30:27Once I got bit by an old dog, he didn't even have any teeth.
30:32He died shortly after.
30:35Just kind of over-gummed you a little bit, huh?
30:36Well, it was a question of biting off a little more than he could chew.
30:42He went peacefully, I suppose?
30:45But then I got...
30:47Then I got my first dog.
30:50You know, my dad bought me my first...
30:52Or he didn't buy him, actually.
30:53He got him from the dog pound.
30:54And it was a real nice little dog.
30:57He figured if I'm going to get bit, I ought to get bit by somebody I know.
31:00Of course.
31:01So he got me this dog, and it was a little bitty...
31:05When I got him, it was a little bitty.
31:06And then he started to...
31:09Actually, he turned out to be a Shetland pony.
31:11I see.
31:13Gave no hint until he started to figure out.
31:14No, no, but you can never convince my dad.
31:16You know.
31:16No, he said, any dog you get from the dog pound is a dog.
31:21It's not a Shetland pony.
31:23We used to put him on.
31:24You know, he used to say, hey, Dad.
31:26Look at old Rover there, galloping across the meadow, munching on the apples.
31:31My dad said, yeah, he sure is a crazy dog.
31:35That's the way it goes.
31:39God bless you, brother.
31:44Look at old Rover, munching on the apples.
31:47Oh, hell yes.
31:50I mean, heck, yes.
31:52Yes, that's better.
31:52I asked you about this before.
31:55I think they thought you were making a joke.
31:56The fighter pilots.
31:57You were a pilot, right?
31:58Oh, yes.
31:58I was a pilot during the war.
32:01You remember the wars and all the papers.
32:03I read, yes.
32:05I remember averaging it.
32:06Well, I told you about that the last time I was on your show, you know.
32:09But I fought the whole war in Oklahoma.
32:12What were you saying?
32:13I don't know why people laugh when I say that, you know.
32:15Because that's evidently where they needed me or they wouldn't have sent me.
32:24Well, go ahead and laugh.
32:25I don't care.
32:26Very well admit.
32:27But if you remember, you think back.
32:29No, first of all, I was an instructor.
32:30I was in V-26, V-89s first at Altus, Oklahoma, and then V-26s at Frederick, Oklahoma.
32:37And I was an instructor there.
32:39And if you think back, and I'm not mad at anybody or anything, but just remember, there
32:43was not one Japanese aircraft got past Tulsa.
32:46You know, you know what?
33:05We didn't even have guns on our airplane.
33:09And that record still stands, I understand.
33:11To this day.
33:12To this day.
33:13I think I haven't checked the basement.
33:17Oh, well.
33:20I've been working all day.
33:22Of course you're there.
33:23What?
33:27Oh, yeah.
33:28What commercial?
33:29Were you shooting a commercial today?
33:30Yeah.
33:32You don't believe it.
33:34Whatever you say.
33:37Exactly what time did I lose control of the show?
33:41Did you make a look at it?
33:43I better bring out the other two people, because I didn't know.
33:45There are other people.
33:47Are there more people coming?
33:48More people are coming out of here to see.
33:50Wonderful.
33:51And who are they, John?
33:53Old John?
33:53Carol Wayne and Bob Wagon.
33:55So we'll just get them out of here.
33:57Well, there's the feed.
34:14Hey, the show's going well, isn't it?
34:15Yeah, so...
34:16Right it is.
34:17I didn't say it, Dolores.
34:29I didn't say it.
34:31Dolores.
34:33Dolores is my shepherd.
34:34I shall all walk.
34:35Oh, yeah.
34:36She needed me.
34:39Oh.
34:40Here we are.
34:42You, uh...
34:42Anytime you're ready, John.
34:44Yeah.
34:45The old...
34:45Oh, John.
34:46The old name-dropper, you.
34:51Folks.
34:53You want to lock up, Ed?
34:54I'm going to catch a cab.
34:56Leave the key.
34:58Hey, John.
34:58Try to lie out of this one.
35:00I get it.
35:01Uh, Carol just is a new bride.
35:03Yeah?
35:04You are married when?
35:05Valentine's Day.
35:06Valentine's Day.
35:07Yeah.
35:08Well...
35:08All heart, huh?
35:09I hope, yeah.
35:12Or a...
35:12Or a transplant or something.
35:14I don't know.
35:15Uh, are you...
35:16Are you happy, Mary?
35:16Happily now, Mr. Mary?
35:17Oh, yes.
35:18Well, you know, I believe that there are just some areas in your life that you do not want
35:23any surprises.
35:24And Mary is definitely one of them.
35:29No, this is actually her voice, fellas.
35:31Quit looking...
35:32Quit looking around.
35:33It's coming from right here.
35:34So, this is it.
35:35No, kidding.
35:36I thought there was a cartoon going on.
35:39You see, now, she...
35:50I'll tell you one thing.
35:51The oil slick could help that.
35:53Yeah.
35:54What does your husband do?
35:55Oh, he's a famous photographer and a filmmaker.
35:58Famous...
35:59A motion picture photographer?
36:02Yes.
36:02He did a great movie that's been accepted by the Academy Awards called You Are What You
36:06Eat.
36:07Good.
36:09First one of you that says a thing is under house arrest.
36:18You're not going to take my career down the drain.
36:21Nobody here.
36:22I'm here every night, fellas.
36:24Don't do it to me.
36:25Not after this show, you're here.
36:27Oh, yeah.
36:27Well, this has been a night.
36:32Well, we'll do more, but I'm leaving immediately for open-heart surgery after this one.
36:37He's talking.
36:38Never had work.
36:38Big Johnny, don't you?
36:39Oh, John.
36:41Oh, John.
36:42Oh, John.
36:42Bob, I'm sorry we got you a little late here tonight, but I thank you for joining us in
36:48the sketch, and I hope you have a real happy marriage.
36:50Thank you, man.
36:51Really.
36:51You're real happy.
36:52You're a very, very lovely girl.
36:55Anna, could you...
36:56Do you...
36:56Could you get mad for me once?
36:58Just like...
36:59You never get mad, do you?
37:03Oh, I'm just as miserable as everyone else.
37:05Oh.
37:07You want to play around with that a while?
37:09Oh, I didn't think so.
37:10Oh, I'd love to play around with that.
37:10Yeah, I know that, Dave.
37:13No, I don't think she could get angry at her wonderful husband with that voice.
37:16It's not just...
37:17It'd kind of melt, wouldn't it?
37:18Oh, yeah, easily.
37:19Oh, yeah.
37:20Dean, now, thank you for being here.
37:21Dean's on his way to...
37:22Dean, I told you in front of people, Mr. Mark.
37:24He's on a...
37:24Oh, excuse me.
37:26Never come while I'm working.
37:27Dean, thank you.
37:28What a kick.
37:29Really.
37:29Bob, I just came on to do a finished thing just to walk on and say a line.
37:35And you stay here the whole thing?
37:35I do it.
37:36Yours goes to my attorney's.
37:39Thank you, George.
37:40Such a great show tonight.
37:42I wish now I'd have been on it.
37:47Thank you, Judy.
37:49Good night, all.
38:03This program was pre-recorded.
38:19The End
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