- 2 days ago
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00:00Yeah.
00:01Now you're going to get your second leg up.
00:03Yeah.
00:04Yeah.
00:05Wow.
00:06Yeah.
00:07Oh, well, I guess I'm back now.
00:10For the guys.
00:11I'm going to go.
00:12Ah, you!
00:13Oh, well.
00:14Ah, you!
00:15Oh, well.
00:16Ah.
00:17Yeah!
00:18Oh, well, tickety-boo.
00:20Oh, well, tickety-boo.
00:22I think I'll get something back now for the guy.
00:23Ah, you!
00:24Oh, well, oh, I'm falling for a while.
00:26Oh, well, I'm falling for a while.
00:28Oh, well, I'm falling for a while.
00:29I'm calling for this.
00:39You better beware.
00:41Start again.
00:59Just what you might find.
01:01Does anyone know the way?
01:03There's got to be a way to blockbuster!
01:07Yeah!
01:09I hate that song.
01:10So do I.
01:11Where to now, Guy?
01:13Yonder and thence.
01:14Yes, but whither where?
01:16Thither and nor.
01:17Where?
01:18On the left.
01:19Where's Dr Phillips?
01:22Still smiling.
01:25Stuart Crump.
01:27Guy Crump.
01:28Nutters both.
01:29Where will they run?
01:31Where will they hide?
01:33Very shortly, we should be joined by our resident criminal psychologist, God help us.
01:38I know what you call him, but for the purposes of this investigation, we will call him Fraser.
01:44Gonna need someone to act as liaison.
01:47Now, I know you can't all be doing crowd control at Main Road.
01:51So, who is going to volunteer?
01:54Thanks very much, er...
01:56Briggs, sir.
01:57Briggs.
01:58You're new here, aren't you?
02:00Demi, brother Guy.
02:01In the next town, I know a place where a couple of guys like us could get lucky.
02:07The kind of place where you can walk in off the street, choose one you like, then do it right there.
02:12Bang on, buddy boy.
02:14A place for guys with the right answers to the right questions.
02:19Guys who can push the right buttons.
02:22Guys with the right kind of hair.
02:25Yeah.
02:26Money.
02:27Not money.
02:28I've heard Teddy can have three of them at the same time.
02:29You know what I mean?
02:30I know exactly what you mean.
02:32Ooh!
02:33Ooh!
02:34Iguana.
02:35Potassium promanganate.
02:36Arthur Askey.
02:37Stenhouse Muir.
02:38Coxix.
02:391973.
02:40Leonard Nimoy.
02:41Halifax.
02:42Liverpool Chamberlain.
02:43Isaac Asimov.
02:44Dollar.
02:45Igneous.
02:46Toot him anyway!
02:47Good point!
02:48Oh!
02:49Better than sex.
02:50I pray tell would you lie.
02:55Jonathan Dimbleby.
02:56Skunk.
02:57Yes, welcome to the grand final of top of the class 1975.
03:12The quiz where you have to have your wits about you.
03:27The rules are very simple.
03:29Two teams have to answer three questions on a subject from our timetable board behind me,
03:33or they can choose a free period,
03:36and if they get through that,
03:38they become head boys,
03:40or girls,
03:41and collect this delightful trophy
03:43and claim the title,
03:45Top of the Class.
03:46Top of the Class!
03:48And these are the files on the Crump's arrest in 1975.
03:51You've got a ten.
03:52I've got two fives.
03:53It ain't bloody fives.
03:54It doesn't take fives.
03:55It doesn't take fives.
03:56It doesn't take twos.
03:57It doesn't take ones.
03:58Well, I've got my pocket fives.
03:59Two and ones.
04:00I've got a twenty.
04:01Oh, forget it.
04:02I'm all out of coffee.
04:03I'll do without.
04:04Right, um...
04:05WPC Briggs, sir.
04:06Right, Briggs.
04:07Give me the SP on these bozos.
04:08Stuart and Guy Crump.
04:10Half brothers.
04:11Same father, different mother.
04:12Same nuthouse?
04:13Ottel Remand.
04:14Jesus.
04:15Escaped this morning.
04:16How?
04:17Kidnapped their therapist.
04:18Phillips.
04:19Yeah.
04:20How's his hemorrhoids?
04:21Put it this way, sir.
04:22He can't look a grape in the eye.
04:23Sir, I'd really like to help you on this one.
04:26So, you want to help me, do you, WPC Briggs?
04:28You know what they call me in this nick?
04:30Shithead Fraser, sir.
04:31Right.
04:32Do they?
04:33Yes, sir.
04:34Do they really?
04:35Yes, sir.
04:36Give me a twenty.
04:37I'm going to have an oxtail.
04:38Shithead.
04:39A sleeping policeman.
04:40No, he's getting up again.
04:41Second on the left.
04:42Down yonder Cobbled Street.
04:43Cobblers.
04:44Why do you really want to work on this case, Briggs?
04:45Personal reasons, sir.
04:46Does Inspector Lynch call me shithead?
04:47Yes, sir.
04:48How's his exmo?
04:49Clearing up.
04:50How's the soup?
04:51I wanted coffee.
04:52Here.
04:53Take this down to Berenzig.
04:54See if he can find any traces of oxtail.
04:55Yep.
04:56Be careful.
04:57Tedbury's whole nut.
04:58Ah.
04:59Nuts are all hazelnuts.
05:00Ooh, cabberries take the man, they cover them in chocolate.
05:02Marathon.
05:03Comes up peanuts.
05:04Do do do do do do.
05:05Bounty?
05:06They came in search of paradise.
05:07Mama.
05:08They found it.
05:09He's right.
05:10It's Snickers.
05:11It's Snickers.
05:12Oh, I'm not sure.
05:13He's not a good one.
05:14Clearing up.
05:15How's the soup?
05:16I wanted coffee.
05:17Here.
05:18Take this down to Berenzig.
05:19See if you can find any traces of oxtail.
05:21Yep.
05:22Be careful.
05:23Tedbury's whole nut.
05:24Ah.
05:25Nuts are all hazelnuts.
05:26Oh, cabberries take the man, they cover them in chocolate.
05:29Marathon?
05:30He's right, it's Snickers, not Marathon.
05:32It was Marathon for that slogan.
05:35Pothole.
05:36Got it.
05:37Well, time waits for no man.
05:40Least of all, shithead Fraser.
05:42Inspector Lynch, isn't it?
05:43It is.
05:44How's your lovely wife, Fraser?
05:46Hit by a car this morning.
05:48She's in hospital.
05:49How's your lovely eczema?
05:50Improving.
05:51How did you know?
05:52Scabs on your knuckle.
05:53All right, everyone, pay attention.
05:56Wacko one.
05:58Wacko two.
05:59Where will they run?
06:00Where will they hide?
06:02I've already said that.
06:03Those would be the questions of an idiot.
06:05Now, the question we should be asking is what do they want?
06:08Now, remember, they have been resident in Ottel Remand for almost exactly 20 years.
06:13Resident, get it?
06:14Not banged up for arson and manslaughter. Resident.
06:18Have you tried calamine on that?
06:21Now, all that time, they have been dreaming of only one thing.
06:24And I suppose you're going to tell us what that is?
06:27No.
06:28I'm going to show you.
06:30It is this.
06:31Top of the class champions, 1975.
06:36Is this some sort of joke?
06:39Oh, no, Stuart.
06:41What's wrong with my eyes?
06:43Oh, Glashopper.
06:45Oh.
06:46These will make your eyes pop out.
06:48Claw!
06:51Ah, good morrow, stout yearman of the fancy dress shop.
06:55Vending required in the educationally orientated juvenilia department.
06:59I.e. my demibro and wah will take two of your finest schoolboy's uniforms.
07:05He's a card, isn't he, your mate?
07:07Indeedy doody.
07:08He is numero uno loony de mondo of the world.
07:12As am I.
07:13I see.
07:14Have you got any aspirin?
07:15I've got a splitting headache.
07:18No.
07:19Now, got any girly tugs?
07:21You know, school blazers.
07:22Navy blue knickers.
07:23Netball skirt.
07:24Navy blue knickers.
07:25Navy blue knickers.
07:26Navy blue knickers.
07:27Navy blue knickers.
07:28Navy blue knickers.
07:29Navy blue knickers.
07:30Can we have a spare set of everything?
07:31In case one gets dirty.
07:32Mmm.
07:33I've read about people like you.
07:35Out.
07:36Mmm.
07:37Can I just ask you one question?
07:40Yes.
07:41Can you name both a famous British film company and the object with which I am about to hit you?
07:47Hammer?
07:48Eh, eh.
07:49Sorry.
07:50It's eeling.
07:51You're going to hit me with an eeling?
07:53No.
07:54A hammer.
07:55That one.
07:58Thank you so much, Fraser.
08:02Right.
08:03Ignoring just for a while the fascinating psychology, let's do some boring old criminal catching.
08:08We know they stole a black cab this morning from a rank in Risby.
08:12Registration number...
08:13Was it a metro cab?
08:14Yeah.
08:15Did it have an advert on the side for Turpin's Steakhouse?
08:18Yeah, and a sticker in the back saying my other cab is a Porsche.
08:21Did it have an advert for Turpin's and a broken nearside headlamp?
08:24I've no idea.
08:26Is it psychologically important?
08:28In a way.
08:29That's the car that hit my wife.
08:31Hold the old dough.
08:32Lieutenant Pigeon.
08:33Oh.
08:34Do you think you'll still be here?
08:35Positive.
08:36Or I am a flying Dutchman.
08:37Well, let's hope so, Wing Commander Stuwart van Krump.
08:50Wait in the cab.
08:51More news on the Krump story.
08:52I have with me cab driver, Tony Sword.
08:53This morning, he parked his taxi at the rank, went into a cafe.
08:54Seconds later, the cab had literally gone.
08:55Tony, what happened?
08:56Well, this morning I parked my taxi at the rank.
08:57Went into the Butty Bar Plus to get an egg cod.
08:58I come out and the cab had gone.
08:59Literally.
09:00And back to the studio.
09:01Is your wife going to be okay?
09:02Oh, she'll be all right.
09:03Just a few minor fractures.
09:04She'll be out of hospital in a week.
09:05Tragedy, really.
09:06We were going to spend the weekend at my sister-in-law's bungalow in Penrith.
09:09We're going to help out with the rockery.
09:10Can't happen now.
09:11Still, I suppose I'll get over it.
09:12You see, what happened?
09:13What happened?
09:14What happened?
09:15What happened?
09:16What happened?
09:17What happened?
09:18What happened?
09:19Well, this morning I parked my taxi at the rank.
09:21Went into the Butty Bar Plus to get an egg cod.
09:22I come out and the cab had gone.
09:23Literally.
09:24And back to the studio.
09:25Is your wife going to be okay?
09:26Oh, she'll be all right.
09:27Just a few minor fractures.
09:28She'll be out of hospital in a week.
09:29Tragedy, really.
09:30Well, I suppose I'll get over it.
09:33You see, what Chief Inspector Psoriasis doesn't understand is you're going to think like they
09:38think.
09:39Get inside their heads.
09:41Got to remember that these two are unpredictable, but they're unpredictable in a predictable way,
09:46which makes them...
09:47Predictable.
09:48I looked up the archives of Top of the Clasp, and evidence still had the trophy.
09:53Then it hit me.
09:55Hello, Cathy.
09:56Ah!
09:57Yeah.
09:58My name is Gareth Cheeseman.
09:59It's an emergency that has been an awful accident.
10:00The hole of the windscreen and the bonnet.
10:01I'll need towing.
10:02And I suppose you'd better send an ambulance as well.
10:03Drive, please.
10:04Just drive.
10:05Amber's request.
10:06Hello, Cathy.
10:07Ah!
10:08We meet again.
10:09Over and out, ha!
10:10Ha!
10:11We must consider your abduction and...
10:12Ha!
10:13Ha!
10:14Ha!
10:15Ha!
10:16Ah!
10:17Ah!
10:18It's not the bag!
10:20Oh, looks like we've captured the Elephant Man.
10:22Perhaps we should hide her in the trunk.
10:24Ha!
10:25Ha!
10:26Ha!
10:27I have arrived.
10:28Ha!
10:29Oh, I have arrived.
10:30I'm not a bad.
10:31Ha!
10:32Ha!
10:33Ha!
10:34Ha!
10:35Ha!
10:36Ha!
10:37Well, our autumn term winners are the half-brothers, Stuart and Guy Crump.
10:46And here to show that the girls are just as clever as the boys,
10:50our spring term winners, twin sisters, Cathy and Claire Briggs.
10:55Or is it Claire and Cathy?
10:58Remember, no one leaves empty-handed.
11:00The runners-up will take home a Top of the Class Prefect badge and a Blake 7 kit bag.
11:07No peeking now.
11:11Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
11:13Peaky, peaky, get biffed on head again.
11:16I now declare this car boot open.
11:19God bless her.
11:20And all who car boot sail in her.
11:25F.A.B.
11:26She's going to blow, Mr. Tracy.
11:28I can help you, you know.
11:30I bet you can.
11:32I know what happened to you.
11:34I just need to know why you're doing this.
11:35Remember Top of the Class?
11:37Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
11:38Of course I bloody remember it.
11:39Oh, yeah.
11:40Sorry about kidding your sister.
11:42It's okay.
11:43I'm over it.
11:44You see, it was taken off the air exactly 20 years ago today.
11:48So tonight, with your help, we're going to restage it.
11:51Just as it was.
11:52But with one crucial difference.
11:54You're grown-up wankers now?
11:56Ha!
11:57No, this time we win.
11:59You're mad.
12:00Oh, that old chestnut.
12:01Just because we burnt down a television studio killing four people, including our parents,
12:06doesn't mean we're mad.
12:08We only did it once.
12:09Oh, oh!
12:10Oh, chung-o!
12:11What if you just say, contestant who caused trouble?
12:15Get blown to bits by human bomb.
12:18You see, if I take Sir Thomas' thumb off this button,
12:21you'll end up like your sister.
12:25And he doesn't mean frumpy.
12:27I mean dead.
12:28Leave Claire out of this.
12:30We couldn't possibly.
12:31She's irreplaceable.
12:33Au contraire.
12:34Our therapist, Dr. Phillips, bears an uncanny resemblance, don't you, Dr. Phillips?
12:43All right, then, boys.
12:46If we're going to play top of the class later, why don't I test you?
12:49You know, practice.
12:51Bona idea, me lud.
12:52Verily.
12:54Right.
12:54Here goes.
12:55Bonus all buzz around.
12:56Bonus first, I think.
12:58Oh, yeah.
12:59Stuart.
13:00Science.
13:01Who was the first man on the moon?
13:02Oh, Neil Armstrong.
13:03Correct.
13:05Another bonus.
13:06French.
13:06Who said, let them eat cake?
13:08Oh, Marie Antoinette.
13:10Correct.
13:10Make it harder.
13:11Mine can't get any harder.
13:14Guy, biology.
13:15Have you ever had sex?
13:16Yes.
13:17With another person?
13:18Is that biology?
13:20Well, we fix you with these two.
13:21Guy, psychology.
13:22Do you hate your brother?
13:24These aren't proper questions.
13:26Wrong interrupt, Stuart.
13:27Lose two points.
13:28Guy's question.
13:29Guy, are you scared of women?
13:30I think not.
13:31No more interruptions, Stuart.
13:33Or you're disqualified.
13:36Guy, are you frightened at night?
13:37No.
13:38Guy, are you frightened at night?
13:39Yes, yes, I'm very frightened.
13:40Guy, do you want to be free?
13:42Yes, I want to be free.
13:43Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
13:48Now, Stuart, Guy, you've been a thoughtful romance six years and you're now up for parole.
13:54But first, I need to be satisfied that you can behave normally in the outside world.
13:59You're in a supermarket.
14:01J. Sainsbury's limited.
14:02Could be any supermarket.
14:04Guy, you can't find the eggs.
14:06What do you say?
14:07Could you tell me where the eggs are?
14:14Very good, Guy.
14:15Stuart, you can't find the baked beans.
14:18What do you say?
14:19Could you tell me where the baked beans are?
14:23Oh, stout yeoman of the bean, I seek not the human bean, but the baked bean.
14:29Bring forth said jitties that I may scuff my socks off.
14:32Oh, I love a bean.
14:39Jessa, take them back to the cells.
14:44Ah, sleeping beauty awakes from her magic slumber.
14:48Oh, piss off, Lynch.
14:50Language, Fraser.
14:52Oh, no.
14:54I told them you'd like to be next to your wife.
14:56It's not getting any better, is it?
14:58He's not himself.
15:00You want them to take a look at your skin while you're here?
15:02No, he's himself.
15:04Have you traced Jeremy Monkhead?
15:06No.
15:07Look, they've got Cathy, they can't get Claire, they'll need a quizmaster, they'll take Monkhead.
15:12And they've still got Phillips.
15:14Shite.
15:15And don't let him slip through your fingers!
15:18Don't shite, dear.
15:19How pleased do you think Jeremy will be about our impending reunion-y?
15:26Oh, I get it.
15:28That was punch.
15:29Correctamundo, Kimo Sabe.
15:31Good one.
15:32He must be ancient by now.
15:34What if Senor Senility is lodging in the attic?
15:37If you catch my nautical asideage, i.e. drift.
15:40Ah, but brain so light or zimmer-bound, he'll still be the Jeremy Monkhead.
15:48At the end of that period, our current teacher's pets are Cathy and Claire.
15:53And facing detention are Stuart and Guy.
15:56Now, hold on to your hats for spelling.
16:03Surprise, surprise!
16:05It's Stuart and Guy.
16:09Jeremy Monkhead, you are hereby cordially invited to host tonight's special edition of...
16:15Top of the...
16:16I think you'd better come in.
16:26This is very cosy, isn't it?
16:29Um, Mr Monkhead?
16:32Angela, please.
16:33It's Jeremy.
16:34You're Jeremy.
16:36I'm sorry.
16:36I know how disappointed you must be, but I did always want to be a woman.
16:42And once the show was axed, well, I just thought I'd cut out the middleman, so to speak.
16:48It wasn't just the show that was axed.
16:55Your breasts are very nice.
16:59Is that the bell?
17:01The official top-of-the-class bell?
17:03Yes.
17:04Yes, it is.
17:05I managed to rescue it from the...
17:08Fire.
17:09What are we going to do, Stuart?
17:10I don't know.
17:12Well, I'll give it a go.
17:14Should be quite fun.
17:15I can still remember my catchphrase.
17:18It's top-of-the-class.
17:19The quiz where you have to have your wits about you.
17:23Da-da, da, da-da, da.
17:26Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da.
17:31Shall I be mother?
17:32Uh, Fraser, a fax has just come in from Sir Stewpot Crumble.
17:39Wacko one.
17:40Stuart Crump.
17:41Read it.
17:42Oh, yay.
17:43Oh, yay.
17:44The non-frazzled bits be ours.
17:46We've got Cathy and Monkhead.
17:47Plus one shrink-wrapped taboot.
17:50We've got Dr. Phillips.
17:52A studio-a-go-go, chink-way-trento, or yingtong-yingtong-kamikaze-po.
17:58You know what this means, don't you?
17:59You won't have a clue.
18:01I don't have a clue.
18:02It means we're going to replicate a 1970s TV studio on the site where the old one burnt down.
18:09We want full TV coverage of the event.
18:11We'll kill ourselves and everyone else.
18:14Right, Lynch.
18:15Give them what they want.
18:16Guy.
18:21Uh-oh, chongo.
18:22Why don't you let me go?
18:23No can do, m'lady.
18:24Order a strictness from General El Stuarto.
18:27No letty prisoner go-go.
18:29Guy, stop it.
18:30I beg your treacle pudding for a second helping.
18:34Stop talking in that silly way.
18:36You don't have to.
18:37It's all right.
18:38No comprendes.
18:39Speak on the English.
18:41Guy, you don't have to say pudding when you mean pardon.
18:44Or i-clavdives when you mean i-claudius.
18:47Or uh-oh, chongo when you mean whatever you mean by it.
18:51I-clavdives.
18:53I like that.
18:54By the time we're finished, you're going to be able to go into a pub and ask for a pint of beer.
19:01And not...
19:02A flagon of your finest foaming ale, Caesar.
19:05Right.
19:06And who are you going to ask it from?
19:08The barman.
19:09And not?
19:10Yeast out yeoman of the bar.
19:12Right.
19:12Guy, you've got lovely eyes.
19:16They said that at Ottil Remand.
19:19Well, lads, per wrong time again.
19:23I understand you've been quite busy with extracurricular activities.
19:27It's good to have a hobby.
19:29Guy, what have you been up to?
19:30I'm learning to play badminton.
19:32Great.
19:33Stuart?
19:34I've been playing table tennis.
19:36Excellent.
19:37With mice.
19:39Dead ones?
19:40Eventually.
19:43Cheers, sir.
19:44And so Guy and Cathy lived happily ever after.
19:51In their normal street.
19:53In their normal house.
19:54With their normal water bed.
19:56And Guy never had to answer stupid trivia questions any more.
20:01Again, again.
20:04Once upon a time, a kind, honourable, sexy boy called Guy untied his little honey bunny and
20:10received his reward.
20:12A big kiss.
20:13French.
20:15Well, why don't we try it and see?
20:17I suppose I could untie.
20:20There'd be no harm.
20:22Oh, yes.
20:22Yes, big guy.
20:24Quickly.
20:25If I untie you, will you stroke Simon?
20:28Who's Simon?
20:29My penis.
20:30Champion the Wonder Horse.
20:33Yes, a.k.a.
20:34Stuart.
20:35Thank you, fans.
20:37Missione accomplished.
20:38We shall be on air at 5.30 precisely.
20:42Beep.
20:43Greetings, O noble Stuart, for verily thou hast done bloody well, mate.
20:49Chief Inspector Lynch, you're in charge of the operation.
20:52What do these killers want?
20:54They want to restage a 20-year-old quiz in a car park with full TV coverage.
20:59And you have exceeded to their demand?
21:01Yes.
21:03Why?
21:04Because one of them is a human bomb.
21:06And the other one?
21:08Uh, his heart running.
21:11What a stupid prat.
21:13What an arse.
21:14You'll have a heart attack.
21:15Oh, you may not care, but there are lives at stake here.
21:18Oh, action man.
21:20My hero.
21:21Oh, you are unbloody believable.
21:23You read one article on premature ejaculation, you think you're German bloody Greer.
21:27Germaine?
21:28Christ, woman, this case affects you, you know.
21:31It's not just shithead Fraser trying to crack the Crump Brothers.
21:34Stuart and Guy?
21:35Yeah.
21:36Those two jellyheads knocked you down this morning.
21:39Oh, that'll be Stuart.
21:40You what?
21:41Well, Guy would never have run me over.
21:43He was in love with me.
21:44Stuart was jealous.
21:46Eh?
21:46I taught them at school when I was Miss Draper, before I was married, when I had a life.
21:53I never, ever thought I would say this, but keep talking.
22:00Well.
22:01I named this quiz master Jeremy Monkhead.
22:10Can I keep my slingbacks on?
22:12What?
22:12Oh, it's all right.
22:13I used to wear them sometimes under the desk, on air.
22:17No one knew, so it'll be quite authentic.
22:19You weird.
22:22You don't know this chair makes me look fat, do you?
22:25Go on, Stuart.
22:26Let her wear the slingbacks.
22:27It's only a kid's show.
22:28A what?
22:29Oh, I mean, a kid's show worth killing for, obviously.
22:33Well, lads, our final session.
22:35I expect you're both very excited about being released tomorrow.
22:39I understand you've both been very busy in the tool shop, making use of the facilities while you can.
22:44Guy, what have you made?
22:46I've made a badminton racket.
22:48Oh, very good.
22:49Stuart, what have you made for us?
22:51I've made a toasting fork.
22:53Very good.
22:54And a bomb.
22:56Where's the bomb?
22:58Jessup?
23:04Where's Jessup?
23:05In the kitchen.
23:06Where's the toasting fork?
23:07In Jessup.
23:09In the kitchen.
23:10I see.
23:12It's Stuart who's made you go all weird, isn't it?
23:15If it hadn't have been for him, you could have led a normal life.
23:18You know, friends, a few drinks.
23:21Badminton?
23:22Badminton?
23:23I could have been normal.
23:28I think it's only fair that I get the first round in, winner's privilege and all that.
23:32So, what does everyone want?
23:33Phil?
23:34I'll have a lager.
23:35Tina?
23:35Oh, for the same place, Guy.
23:37What do you want, darling?
23:38Same again, tiger.
23:39Hey, later.
23:42Four pints a lot, please.
23:44Correctioni!
23:45Make that five of your finest foaming flagons of ales.
23:49Stout you, my lord, the bar.
23:51For we are Stuart and...
23:53Guy!
23:54Guy!
23:55What are you doing?
23:56Chop us, chop us.
23:57On there in 30 seconds.
23:59Ready, Stuart?
23:59Now, these questions are the same as 20 years ago.
24:03Remember the answers?
24:04No.
24:05We do.
24:06And you'd better pray that Guy gets it right this time.
24:11Because if we lose...
24:12Fergus finger off the button.
24:16We're all human casserole.
24:19Come on, Angela.
24:21Let's make a dash for it.
24:22It's Jeremy.
24:24And we're on air in 15 seconds.
24:27Amateurs.
24:28On air in 10 seconds.
24:319...
24:338...
24:347...
24:366...
24:385...
24:39Get me lynch!
24:404...
24:413...
24:42Impotence.
24:432...
24:441...
24:45Yes, and welcome to the grand final of Top of the Class 1995.
25:01The quiz where you have to have your wits about you.
25:03This week we're in a car park, but the object of the game remains the same.
25:08To become head boys.
25:10Or girls.
25:11And collect our delightful trophy and claim the title.
25:15Top of the Class!
25:16That is perverse.
25:20I thought you said you liked it.
25:22It seems the Crump Half Brothers are recreating their last day of sanity.
25:27In a cruel and vicious twist, they've dressed up Jeremy Monkhead, the ex-host of Top of the Class, as a macabre man-woman-creature.
25:35It's a psychological minefield out there.
25:38Lynch!
25:39What the hell's going on?
25:41Not now, Fraser.
25:42Oh, look, it's the tiebreaker.
25:45What?
25:45The banana splits question.
25:48Guy had such a crush on me, he said Draper instead of Drooper.
25:51Silly boy.
25:52You mean all this?
25:53It's quite sweet, really.
25:55Lynch!
25:56Oh, God, this line's like his skin.
25:59It's breaking up.
26:00Lynch!
26:01Final round.
26:02Stuart and Guy, all that stands between you and the winner's trophy are two questions.
26:07Stuart, flipping like a pancake, popping like a cork, are the lyrics from the theme tune of which children's television show?
26:14The banana splits.
26:15Is correct.
26:17Bingo, Flegel and Snorky are three of the banana splits.
26:21Guy, to become teacher's pet, 1975, can you name the fourth?
26:27Draper!
26:29Is wrong.
26:30I'll have to hurry you.
26:34And your answer is bingo, Flegel, Snorky and...
26:40And...
26:42I love you, Cathy!
26:45Who cares what the names of the banana splits were?
26:48It doesn't matter.
26:49Is that your answer?
26:50No.
26:51It does matter.
26:52I care.
26:53But you get the answer right.
26:56You could never live with yourself if you got it wrong.
26:58I don't want to live with myself.
27:00I want to live with you.
27:00Answer the question properly, Guy.
27:02Get it right.
27:04For me, big guy.
27:06Lynch?
27:07Lynch?
27:07Let me speak to them all.
27:08What the bloody hell's going on?
27:11Get it right and we can go away together.
27:14It doesn't matter whether I win or lose the quiz.
27:16I just don't want to lose you.
27:17I really am going to have to hurry you.
27:19Get it right.
27:20I'll have sex with you right now.
27:23Has anyone got a blank tape?
27:26Guy.
27:27Sex.
27:28Drooper!
27:29Yes!
27:30I know the feeling, mate.
27:32Is the right answer.
27:34Steward and Guy, you are top of the class 1995.
27:38Yes!
27:38Okay, Fraser here.
27:47Now let the hostages go and we'll give you the trophy.
27:50No can do.
27:51Trophy first.
27:52Hostages second.
27:54Listen, bozos.
27:56No hostages, no trophy.
27:58Okey-cokey.
27:59Boomtown time.
28:00Okay, blow us all up.
28:02See if I care.
28:03Go on, let go of the bloody button.
28:05I want to die.
28:06Put us all out of our misery.
28:07Fraser, you'll get me killed.
28:09It's just a risk we have to take.
28:13Stuart, Guy, it's Miss Draper here.
28:17Now be good boys and let the girls go.
28:19Get off the bloody line, woman.
28:21Be quiet, Nigel.
28:23Everyone, let's give the crumps some encouragement.
28:26Now let's have a hand for our winners.
28:30Come on.
28:31Come on.
28:37Oh, could I possibly have a cushion, please?
28:42I'd rather enjoy that.
28:45Top of the class, boys.
28:47Well done, Mrs. Shithead.
28:50Well done, boys.
28:52You finally won something.
28:54This is from me and Claire.
28:55Right, I shall keep the trophy.
28:59You keep your digit firmly adhered to Derek the detonator.
29:04Ah, you've got Bernard the button.
29:08Yeah.
29:09Methinks the reaper approacheth.
29:11Looking somewhat grim forsooth.
29:14For Stuart and Guy are about to...
29:16Well, it hasn't gone off, Stuart.
29:23You must have wired it incorrectly.
29:24Ah-ah.
29:25Unlike you, Guy, I don't make mistakes.
29:28ORCHESTRA PLAYS
29:45ORCHESTRA PLAYS
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