- 2 days ago
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00:00Oh
00:30You've not signed your gyro, Mr. Kerff.
00:42Oh, yeah.
00:43How do you like it?
00:44Krugerrands.
00:45Eh?
00:45Nothing.
00:46I'm feeling it!
00:47I'll get up later.
00:50Oi!
00:50Ship the brain.
00:51I have a floor.
00:52Yeah, get up floor, Paul.
00:53I thought your name was Peter.
00:55You great burke.
00:57Do you know who he is?
00:58Yeah.
01:00Frankenstein.
01:01Get up.
01:01Open your mouth and you're dead.
01:03Shit, Barry!
01:04I'm indecuant!
01:05There's a camera!
01:07Oh, God.
01:13It's the Parry brothers, isn't it?
01:15I've absolutely no idea, Inspector Lynch.
01:17All we need is somebody to point the finger.
01:21Well, good luck with the case.
01:22Sit down, Paul!
01:27What's this?
01:28Er, it's a gyro.
01:30Yeah, for Peter Kerff, your dad.
01:34He died two years ago and you've been cashing his gyros illegally.
01:39It's what I would have wanted.
01:41Cigarette?
01:42It's your choice, Paul.
01:44Do you want to go to prison or are you going to point the finger?
01:48Ian Parry, Dean Parry, and Barry Parry.
01:53You're dead.
01:54You're dead.
02:04You're dead.
02:04You're dead.
02:04do you have to change that baby while i'm having my breakfast you ignore your uncle paul he's a
02:17grumpy old bastard to my little petula isn't he yes he is isn't he well it stinks what have you
02:22been feeling it curry you was no better paul if you put it in one end it's going to come out the
02:28other it does pass me breath it is a she yeah and it's got a name i mean she
02:34else i see elsie dwyer's being cremated on wednesday is she dead what have i got for me
02:39sandwiches meatheads of course she's dead she was very thick with her that had that glass eye
02:45listen the caravan at back of dewland anything else lost her husband young it was tragic he went
02:52doo-lally and fell out of a window yeah monster monster and the rest of them broken biscuits oh
02:57great all right see you later she had eczema and her son who were homosexual got moved on with the
03:03council she put her head in the gas oven what were her name lucky
03:09do you remember her who i'm just saying you remember her it's had that glass eye
03:15the governor says the same thing to all new recruits you do it oh yeah the three most important
03:22things a prison officer must be alert alert alert
03:27where have you transferred from holloway well that's a women's prison
03:34right who's for fishing chips they were on mr and mrs her husband said her favorite color was blue
03:44and she never forgiven she died a year later i'll get it as a son who was a surgeon at saint patrick's
03:52he's not a surgeon he's a porter hello grandma hiya hiya i brought that material for the christening
03:58gown oh hello pa hello got a job yet you have a food tester for sugar puffs
04:04viscous isn't it that's silk only better right moustache and some of us have got jobs to do
04:10julie can have a word yeah loser
04:14julie
04:17julie
04:21julie i don't understand why don't you want me back
04:28because your life revolves around three things getting pissed watching porn videos and getting
04:34more pissed it's copless i do loads of things you don't know about oh you mean like when you go
04:39to grab a granny night at cinderella's i like the music
04:43want a rispy hello paul all right
04:49you promised the herd paul but you couldn't deliver pizza
04:56i want to marry you and live in a big house and have loads of kids and get a job
05:03a lot a lot a lot
05:10you've been a passenger too long paul and this is where you get off
05:21if i get off this bus then that is it you can say goodbye to all those good times
05:26like what don't interrupt i mean it if i get off then everything i've worked for
05:30don't work
05:31you're trapped i love you you daft cow
05:34right this is it
05:35get on with it
05:36julie if i get off this bus i am history
05:40i think if you tell him it's gareth cheeseman he'll put you through
05:55no no i'll wait
06:00got a prob
06:01not at all just to marry you suit where's it from
06:04hugo boss
06:05very nice chip
06:10ronald ian barry
06:13rest in peace
06:16r.i.p. r.i.p. r.i.p.
06:20right start digging
06:23excuse me sir would you like to escape the consumer society
06:31do you want to escape the consumer society sir
06:35yeah what are you selling
06:36we are a spiritual enterprise that seeks mutual karma
06:40right what's that all about
06:42it's about earth nurturing
06:44communal nourishment
06:45self-expression through mantra
06:47free love
06:48practical isolation
06:50and basket weaving
06:51hang on a second go back a bit
06:53earth nurturing
06:54no spin on
06:55self-expression through mantra
06:57practical assimilation
06:59free love
07:00that's it free love
07:01what's that then
07:02the physical coupling of young disciples
07:05what you mean shagging
07:08as part of an alternative experience
07:11yeah well it won't be for me
07:13my name's dolphin
07:15as in the mammal
07:16calf
07:17as in baby cow
07:20is he with you
07:21allied carpets monster sail
07:25bag of shite
07:27here it is
07:29his life's in this bag
07:34his man united scav
07:37grass door knob
07:39he nicked that from bisco's hardware on mossway when he was eight
07:43it's not there anymore
07:44burnt down
07:46he burnt it down
07:48they didn't pay on time
07:50he wouldn't go anywhere without that door knob
07:52yeah sentimental
07:54no he just used to hit people with it
07:56mars bar
07:57i love mars bars
07:58and of course
08:00and of course
08:01his most prized possession
08:03that thing still work
08:05apparently
08:07what do we do now
08:09get carved
08:10yeah
08:11so you're not going to match then
08:13no
08:14i've had it up to here one with everything
08:16pauline and grandma
08:17i've got yapping off to a fine heart
08:19one breathes in the other takes over
08:21like gobsite tennis
08:23what will your mum going on at you
08:24get a job
08:25get a job
08:26get a job
08:27bob bob
08:28you're doing it now
08:29so where are you off to then
08:30big auction here sharpwell
08:32with a load of religious nutters
08:33like the moonies but with shagging
08:35yeah
08:36you've seen them handing out leaflets
08:37what the gorillas
08:38no that's allied carpets
08:40everybody in the van please
08:42don't tell me ma'am sir just worry
08:47are you sure about this
08:52no worries
08:53all me troubles are behind me
09:02escape this way
09:05aww look that cheeky little face
09:08cheeky little nose
09:10ooh is Nana making me a christening girl
09:13Julie got it discount from fabric warehouse didn't she
09:16she did didn't she
09:18when's heartbeat on
09:20Mick Berry i like him
09:22he's very clean
09:27right
09:29no no no
09:30you two stay here
09:31you're the boss
09:32you go boss
09:33you go boss
09:34you go
09:35join the house
09:36he can form a rainbow
09:39a rainbow
09:40around the world
09:42the old amand united went to rome to see the pope and this is what he said all together
09:50you know
09:51you know so i just said Julie stop the bus cause this is where i get off
10:03there was total silence i'll prove me point you know
10:07you know
10:09have you seen this
10:10apparently they brainwash you and turn into a zombie
10:13look they're just a bunch of armless cranks that are like dressing up in blue
10:17i heard they put drugs in your tea
10:18i know
10:19and they put a tube up your nose
10:20and they suck your brains out while you're asleep
10:22who told you that
10:23who told you that
10:24barbara
10:25whole stuffy's barbara
10:26oh
10:27well
10:28here we are
10:31how do i order room service
10:37what
10:38nothing
10:39good night calf
10:40yeah good night flipper
10:41dolphin
10:42time for breakfast calf
10:53what
10:54it's five o'clock in the morning
10:56wear me clothes
10:59listen dolphin i'm really looking forward to exploring the spiritual what not and that
11:04i was just wondering like when are we going to get our hopes
11:07any moment now i should imagine
11:09great
11:11right
11:12oh
11:13shh
11:14the great bear is about to speak
11:20happiness
11:21happiness
11:22happiness
11:23the greatest gift that we possess
11:25in this world where we live
11:27there should be more happiness
11:29bring me sunshine
11:31bring me laughter
11:33bring me love
11:35dolphin i see you are looking after our new disciple
11:38yes great bear
11:39this morning calf will be helping us to replenish the earth with food of the plants
11:46great
11:47what's that exactly
11:48what's that exactly
11:49what's that exactly
11:55how's that exactly
11:56so
11:57on a
12:02right
12:04right
12:05hey where's that pal
12:08I forgot to tell you, he's gone away to think about his life.
12:12Is he depressed?
12:13He will be.
12:15Right, I'd better go and see Tegrand. She's a slave to her bladder.
12:20You've just told her little porcupine, haven't you?
12:25He's staying in that big house near Shatwell with all them blue people.
12:28Well, if they want to suck his brains out, it won't be his nose they're shoving the strobe.
12:32How do you know when I'm lying?
12:34Let's just say it's my third eye.
12:40Third eye?
12:48How are you paying?
12:49Erm, American Express.
12:51It'll be fine.
12:53Have something yourself, stick it out in the tab.
12:55Oh, I couldn't possibly, Mr Cheeseman.
12:58Oh, go on. It's only one.
13:05She looks very familiar. I'm sure I've seen her somewhere before.
13:10That's Butterfly.
13:12Where was she this morning?
13:14Making love.
13:16Who with?
13:18Badger.
13:19It was his hour of free love.
13:21Yeah, happy hour.
13:23The cult with their distinctive blue robes have spent many hours leafleting passers-by and shopping centres and public buildings.
13:31Now, listen here, Mr Clutch.
13:33Oh.
13:34Bob Clutch.
13:35Pin back your lug holes and I'll go over it again.
13:38Now, the fuses in the alternator are tickety-boo.
13:41But if you turn off the wireless...
13:43The Parry brothers who recently...
13:44Here presto.
13:46It restarts.
13:47Ergo, there's a short in the circuit.
13:50Now, I happen to have a circuit diagram.
13:54Now...
13:55Please describe the brothers as clean-shaven, with short hair, and all in the region of six foot.
14:00Q103 plays the most music, most music.
14:03Non-stop.
14:04It's a good picture, that.
14:11You see that blue Escort opposite Calf's house?
14:14Plain, closed coppers.
14:16Oh, well, I'll have to go round the back then.
14:19Now, that looks more like me, don't you think?
14:25Calf.
14:27The Great Bear has decreed that all cigarettes must be confiscated.
14:31What is it with this Great Bear?
14:34He is our yogi.
14:37Calf.
14:38Do you find this earth nurturing is helping you on the path to spiritual assimilation?
14:42Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem.
14:44Er, listen, Great Bear.
14:46Don't get me wrong, I love shoveling shit.
14:48Er, it's just that I think I'm ready for free love.
14:51Spiritually like.
14:52You are ready.
14:53But you are not ready.
14:55You, Calf, are holding yourself back.
14:57No, I'm not honest. I'm dead keen.
14:59I think it's what I'll be best at, if you want my honest opinion.
15:01You are holding yourself back because of your little secret.
15:04Oh, well, that's cleared up.
15:06I think he means your cigarettes.
15:08It's up to you, Calf.
15:09You can keep the cigarettes, but you will never attain free love.
15:13It's a filthy habit.
15:16E.C!
15:18Do you hear something?
15:22There will be grandma at the Sherry, I bet.
15:25I'll go and check.
15:31Hello?
15:33Who is it?
15:34I'm a police officer.
15:36I heard a noise.
15:37I was a bit concerned.
15:39Do you want to open the door?
15:40Oh, no.
15:42You could be anybody.
15:43You could be one of them Barry brothers.
15:46They're nutters, you know.
15:47I read it in the paper.
15:49Don't worry, we'll catch them.
15:51Well, as long as you're safe.
15:52Oh, safe as houses.
15:55And good luck and be on your guard,
15:56because they don't take any shit.
15:59Well, right.
16:00Thanks.
16:03Very much.
16:05Where is everyone?
16:07They've gone round to Julie's to show her the christening gown.
16:10Where's Paul?
16:11I don't know.
16:12Fat Bob said they were going to meet him,
16:14but he didn't say where.
16:15Are you off the telly?
16:18Right, I'll drop you two at Fat Bob's
16:19and I'll go and see Pauline.
16:20What am I doing?
16:22You're coming with me.
16:23Oh.
16:26Hello, this is Mr. Clutch.
16:28Please leave a message after the tone.
16:31Sit, Bob, it's Paul.
16:33Listen, you've got to bring us some fags.
16:34I'm going mad here.
16:40Piss, poo, wank.
16:48Formed bastard flippy bollocks.
16:51Joan.
16:52Oh, forget her other name.
16:53It'll come to me.
16:55She had a plastic hip and a young lad in the army.
16:58Aidan, that's where he went.
17:00He was shot in the back by Arabs.
17:02And her husband were no better.
17:03Oh, she had a dreadful life.
17:07Clobber.
17:07Joan Clobber.
17:09No, that weren't it.
17:13How's Grandma?
17:15Sleeping like a lamb.
17:17It's been at the Sherry.
17:18The Chamber of Love.
17:46Well, it's better than the backseat of a Ford Cortina.
17:50Looks very familiar.
17:51I'm sure I've seen it somewhere before.
17:53You've had free love in the backseat of a Ford Cortina.
17:57Oh, it wasn't free.
18:11Now, you stay in the car or else...
18:13Well, it explode!
18:14Yeah.
18:26Hello, Pauline.
18:30Barry Parry?
18:32What are you doing here?
18:33I thought I'd look up an old flame.
18:37So, is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?
18:39I'm afraid it's a gun.
18:41I would that it were not.
18:43Oh, aye.
18:44Little Barry Parry.
18:47I'll never forget that Christmas Eve when we were going out with each other.
18:50Shagging all night in your dad's bed.
18:53Where were you?
18:54In the pub, controlling me mum.
18:57Listen, Pauline, we've got grandma.
18:59If you don't tell us where Paul is, we'll take her out.
19:03And I don't mean to the bingo.
19:05I'm sick of you all this pushing me through glass doors.
19:16Shut up and start looking for some clues.
19:18Just because Barry's not here, you think you're chook Norris.
19:21How'd you like if I started pushing you around?
19:24Shit, Bob.
19:24It's Paul.
19:25Listen, you've got to bring us some fag, because I'm going mad at it.
19:28And some booze, yeah.
19:30And some decent food.
19:31You know, chips, pies, pasties.
19:33Use your imagination.
19:35Some of them chocolate biscuits wrapped in foil.
19:38Sort of minty.
19:39Yo-yos.
19:41Oh, shit.
19:42Right, get these directions.
19:43I'm outside Jackwell in Yorkshire.
19:45It's a big house, just off the A44...
19:53Pauline, tell us where Paul is, or grandma gets it.
19:57You don't want grandma to die, do you?
20:00You're one of her favourite, you know.
20:03Hassan's Pharmaceuticals.
20:05Yeah, it's for you.
20:09Brilliant.
20:13Pauline, I am really, really sorry it's a bothered you.
20:15I'll be on me way.
20:19Here.
20:20Catch.
20:21For your alitosis.
20:23Pauline, haven't you seen that man with the beard?
20:27What, Sheila?
20:31Cough.
20:32I need to see you privately.
20:35I think you're now ready to commit totally.
20:39Julie, the shit's at the fan.
20:42Get on.
20:45Paul.
20:47Paul.
20:48Bob.
20:50Have they sucked your brains out yet?
20:51They've sucked nothing, thank God you do.
20:53Have you got any decent food on you?
20:54No, I've got some monster lunch.
20:55This place is a bloody nightmare.
20:57They wait you at five, lights out by eight,
20:59they work you to the bone,
21:00and all they give you is pea soup and porridge.
21:01It could be worse.
21:02You could be in prison.
21:03Yeah, I suppose so.
21:09You got a fag on you?
21:10No, come on, let's go.
21:11No way, I'm on a promise tonight.
21:14She looks familiar.
21:17Dolphin.
21:18This man is from the outside world,
21:20and he's seeking spiritual asylum.
21:23He has taken the name Worm.
21:25Eh?
21:27Are we at the ideal sensor?
21:29Not yet.
21:30We welcome our new disciples
21:35and bless them.
21:38Bring me sunshine.
21:41Tonight is a special night,
21:42for tonight's hour of free love
21:44is bestowed on our disciple, Carth.
21:48Dolphin,
21:50you will conduct the blind ritual.
21:52I have to meditate in the inner sanctum.
22:06He married the meals-on-wheels lady.
22:09She were a gold digger.
22:10Went all lardy-dars,
22:11started wearing slip-ons,
22:13shaved off his sideboards.
22:14Got knocked down by a tram,
22:15just like that Alan Bradley.
22:17I never trusted him.
22:22That's where we are,
22:37on that road there.
22:38That's not a road,
22:38that's a contour.
22:40How do you know?
22:40Because it just goes around in a circle.
22:42Well, that's what we've been doing.
22:43Are we near we're there yet, Barry?
22:46Ian, give him another miles, Barry.
22:50Carth,
22:51who do you choose for your partner?
22:53Is it number one,
22:55who promises to replenish your karma,
22:58number two,
22:59who will meditate your transcendentals,
23:02or number three?
23:04Yeah!
23:04Yeah!
23:05Sorted.
23:26All that remains now is the blessing.
23:30Has calf been prepared?
23:31It's a bit nippy out.
23:41It's an old joke.
23:45Oh, my God, Dean Parry.
23:49All right.
23:52Well, in case you're wondering,
23:53I guess I am pleased to see you.
23:55I'm pleased to see you.
23:56I'm pleased to see you.
23:56I'm pleased to see you.
24:08Hasta la vista, you twat.
24:10Pauline!
24:12Great bear.
24:14Great bear.
24:16Oh, Bob.
24:17Reminds me of our honeymoon.
24:19What's all this stuff?
24:21Hang on.
24:22I've seen that set before in a porn video.
24:24Where's Paul?
24:25I think he's about to appear in a pornographic film.
24:27Coming too soon to a cinema near you.
24:30So, Great Bear's here.
24:32Who did we pass in the corridor?
24:35Shit.
24:37I'll untie you.
24:45Paul!
24:48You're dead.
24:51You're deader.
24:55Well done, lads. You look lovely in blue.
25:00Hold on, who's this?
25:02He's the brains behind the old thing.
25:04I'm the victim!
25:05Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? Look at him.
25:07Thinking all the time.
25:09My name is Gareth Cheeseman.
25:11I'm a computer software salesman.
25:14Come on!
25:15Come on, come on, come on, come on!
25:18Paul was worried about you, love!
25:20Oh, hello, Julie.
25:22Sorry you've not been introduced, have you?
25:23Julie, butterfly, butterfly, Julie!
25:32You look very familiar.
25:48Have I seen you somewhere before?
25:50Bye-bye.
25:53Bye-bye.
25:54Bye-bye.
26:13Bye-bye.
26:15You
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