- 2 days ago
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00:00The End
00:30I think it's today.
00:40You said that yesterday.
00:42It's today.
00:44Might not be.
00:45Dr Piper said you might last another month.
00:47He's an idiot.
00:48It's today.
00:51I really think it might not be.
00:54How's the museum?
00:55Don't worry, Mum.
00:56It's booming.
00:58Chock-a-block.
00:58I'm taking care of everything.
01:00Exactly.
01:02How many visitors yesterday?
01:0499.
01:05How many?
01:07Two.
01:08One of them was eating a 99.
01:10Bugger off.
01:14If it is today,
01:16then those might be your last words to me.
01:19Bugger off.
01:20And don't forget my prescription.
01:23Those are your last words now.
01:25And don't forget my prescription.
01:28Lovely.
01:29Tim.
01:32Bugger off.
01:41Morning, Graeme.
01:42All right, Tim.
01:43You're not covering up the little little museum display bill, are you?
01:47Yeah.
01:48I'm sure there's room for both our museum bills to flourish.
01:51Seems not.
01:52How's your mother?
01:54Uh, I think it's today.
01:56Good.
01:57I mean, it's good that you know.
01:58So you're prepared.
02:05Oi!
02:06Hello, Maud.
02:10Nice day.
02:11Nice day.
02:11Lovely.
02:12Yes.
02:13It's lovely.
02:14It's a lovely day.
02:16How's your mum?
02:16Bugger off.
02:18That's what she said.
02:19She's not a well woman.
02:21How's David?
02:22Not well.
02:23His kidneys have all packed up.
02:25We're going to see Mr Cherry, the vet.
02:27They're putting him down.
02:29Just like my mum.
02:31Except she's not being put down.
02:33She's just going to die.
02:35Death, be not proud, though some have called thee mighty and dreadful.
02:39Really nice talking to you, Maud.
02:44Count to the crab.
02:46Crabby.
02:48Len.
02:49Yeah.
02:50I know.
02:51Now might we do it, Len.
02:53She'll be dead before tea time.
02:55So, this afternoon, I want you to go down to Little Hottle Museum
02:59and experience Tim Fleck's guided tour.
03:02If you can come back here and describe it without using the words
03:05tedious, dull, and tedious, I will never say steakhouse again.
03:11Yeah.
03:12Good afternoon.
03:14A little local knowledge makes Little Hottle seem not so little at all.
03:20That's the slogan of the museum.
03:23Clever.
03:24Yes, yes.
03:24I like the play on words.
03:26A little local knowledge makes Little Hottle seem not so little at all.
03:33Hottle at all.
03:35You're right, it is clever, yes.
03:40I'd love to take the credit for it,
03:42but that particular flash of genius came from our caretaker, Alf.
03:47Look, I'm from Gates.
03:48Beats one.
03:50Beats two.
03:51Oh, the lad's a genius.
03:54Go.
03:55Are we all here?
03:58Right.
03:58Now, this might impress you, young fella.
04:02Legend has it that these pistols belong to the infamous highwayman, Dick Turpin.
04:08Warren Dick Turpin.
04:10Did he live here?
04:12Almost.
04:12He lived at the big house down the road.
04:14It's a museum now, Hottle Museum.
04:17I was actually named after Dick Turpin.
04:20Tim Turpin Flack.
04:21Stand and deliver.
04:23Warren, tell the man who you were named after.
04:26Warren Beatty.
04:27Right.
04:28Right.
04:33Yeah, so these pistols must be very precious if they belong to Dick Turpin.
04:38Ah, the big if.
04:40Oh, might they not have done?
04:42Well, you can never be certain.
04:45It's kind of legend, folk myth, sort of, er...
04:50No, they didn't.
04:52Now, if you'd like to come this way, I can show you a potato knife that was used by a cook
04:58who used to work for someone who knew Cardinal Wolsey quite well.
05:03And that's not folklore.
05:04That is fact.
05:05This is Little Hottle Museum.
05:14Welcome to a world of interest.
05:17Local agricultural implements.
05:19The most extensive fossil collection this side of Risby on the Nape.
05:23Not one, but three medieval wolf forks.
05:27Plus a barometer.
05:29Whatever takes your fancy.
05:31Please leave...
05:32Graham Lambert here.
05:33Just wanted to see if your mum's died.
05:36When these things drag on, it's painful.
05:38Like your answer phone message.
05:41As you can see, the blade is largely perished.
05:44But, er, you can still imagine him chopping a potato and saying,
05:48How's Cardinal Wolsey?
05:50Did anything ever happen in Little Hottle?
05:52Oh, yes, plenty.
05:53In the 13th century, someone was burned for being a witch.
05:57Oh, Warren, a witch?
05:59Who was she?
06:00The old nag of Little Hottle.
06:03She lived in a cave.
06:05Are you making this up?
06:08Yes, I am.
06:09The children like it.
06:12Little Hottle Museum.
06:14Leave a message.
06:15Look, I was just thinking, surely Dick Turpin would have passed through Little Hottle to get to Hottle.
06:21I was just thinking, he might have left his horse in here if this was a stable.
06:27Yes, but there's no evidence to suggest he did.
06:29No, but he might have done.
06:31Well, it's unlikely.
06:32But he might have done.
06:34Turpin might have stood in this very room.
06:37It's possible.
06:38Um, no, I can't let you have that.
06:41He'd have ridden him via Risby on the nape and tethered his horse at the stable of the big house down the road.
06:47It's a gift shop now for Hottle Museum.
06:49They've got all kinds of vulgar merchandising in there.
06:52Turpin souvenirs, Turpin this, Turpin that.
06:55Have they got Turpin masks?
06:56Yes.
06:57And Turpin Nintendo?
06:58Yes.
06:58And the Turpin shooting gallery?
07:00Maybe.
07:00Yes.
07:01Look, I'm really sorry, but would it be possible for us to have a...
07:07Refund?
07:07No, I can't understand.
07:08Sorry, I...
07:09It's all right.
07:10Just get me over there.
07:12They, um...
07:13Want their money back?
07:15Yes.
07:16See where I put today's takings?
07:18Yeah.
07:19Done.
07:22Who won?
07:23United.
07:2452-0.
07:25They're on form this week.
07:28Any calls?
07:29Not a sausage.
07:29No, no, no.
07:3130 for children.
07:32It's 90 for...
07:33Oh.
07:33They said they had to go.
07:36Right.
07:37Well, fasten your seatbelts for a Victorian milking stool with a difference.
07:43You see, most milking...
07:44Yeah, is there much more after that?
07:46Just over 90 minutes.
07:48I'm sorry.
07:49My car's on a metre.
07:50I've got change.
07:51I did take a quick peek at the milking stool just now, actually.
07:55Yes.
07:56Terrific.
07:57Really very good.
07:58You can't have done it on a special plinth behind a shroud.
08:01Well, I'll see it next time, then.
08:03Right then, bye.
08:05Come again soon.
08:06I certainly will.
08:07When?
08:08What?
08:08When will you come again soon?
08:09I can't commit at this stage.
08:16Bye.
08:16A cup of tea.
08:22Lovely.
08:26Right, I'll make it today, then.
08:29Mint.
08:30Rosehip.
08:31Chamomile.
08:32Pick your poison, Len.
08:33No, thanks.
08:34I've got a rather nasty mouth ulcer, actually.
08:37Mouth ulcer?
08:39Stomach ulcer?
08:40Stress?
08:41Palpitations?
08:43You're dead.
08:45Life's short, Len.
08:46It's like that bending machine.
08:48Rosehip or chamomile.
08:49Life or death.
08:51Highly profitable steakhouse with a 10% bung for Councillor Crabb.
08:56Or tedious museum run by a weirdo.
09:00Make your choice, Len.
09:01Then, I'll take the highly profitable steakhouse with a 15% bung.
09:09Done?
09:10I'll push it through at the committee meeting tonight.
09:14Tim, there's something I've been meaning to ask for quite a few years, in fact.
09:20You see, I've watched you do your guided tours, and they're very good.
09:25Oh.
09:25And I've picked up the way you do it.
09:28You know, learn from the master.
09:30Wow.
09:30And I was just thinking whether next week, on a quiet day, if I could conduct one of the tours.
09:39It would mean the world to me.
09:43You can say no.
09:44There'll be no hard feelings.
09:46No.
09:51Robin, may I have a route for me tungsten tip self-tapping screws?
09:56Hello, Ernest.
09:58Robin.
09:59Who told you to remove this sign?
10:01Graham Lambert.
10:02I give the orders.
10:04I give the orders.
10:04So what's the order?
10:06Carry on.
10:09No better than his father.
10:12Can I eat my pasta now?
10:14Yes.
10:14So you see, under the new regulations, as soon as your mother passes away, this museum becomes council property.
10:27Well, people like this museum.
10:29Well, people like to pick their nose. It doesn't mean the council should fund it.
10:32He likes picking his nose.
10:34Do you want me to fund that?
10:35No, no, it's unnecessary.
10:37Exactly.
10:38So we have to be realistic.
10:41Life's like a vending machine.
10:45Look, in the last six months, you've had nine visitors.
10:48Things might change.
10:50This phone could ring any moment, and it could be someone wanting to book an enormous coach party.
10:55Tim, Alf, it won't be so bad.
10:59Graham Lambert has promised me he'll give you both new jobs.
11:03Where?
11:03In his new steakhouse.
11:05Turpin's Steakhouse.
11:07There's nowhere around here to build a steakhouse.
11:10Alf's right.
11:11The only way he could have a steakhouse is if he built it right here in my museum.
11:16I'm very sorry.
11:20Excuse me.
11:22Call of nature.
11:27Could have all been different.
11:29What could?
11:29This museum.
11:31Different curator.
11:32Different ideas.
11:33I could have got a hold of some of Samuel Pepys' crockery.
11:38His name said it was too flush.
11:42Little Addle Museum.
11:44Leave a message.
11:47Hello.
11:48Is that the excellent Little Addle Museum?
11:51My name is Martin.
11:52My name is Martin.
11:54Phone.
11:55Martin Phone.
11:57Phoning from America.
12:01Say, I'd sure like to book a coach party tour of your lovely museum.
12:06There'll be a hundred of us arriving tomorrow morning.
12:09And hundreds more of us the next day and forever.
12:12Tim.
12:13It's Martin.
12:15Tim, it's over.
12:17The game's up.
12:18What'll me mum say?
12:21Little killer.
12:29Death be not proud.
12:33Oh, sorry.
12:34I can't remember it.
12:35Tim.
12:56Hi.
12:57Max, have you seen my diaphragm?
13:01Um, Dr Piper, I think you better come upstairs.
13:04My mum's died.
13:05Hey, bad boons.
13:08Sadness.
13:09Where's the bloody hell, is it?
13:12Um, I'll go back upstairs then.
13:14Yeah.
13:15Eh, do the grief thing.
13:18I'll just put some respectables on.
13:20Be up with you.
13:21Max, what's going on?
13:23Mrs Fleck's birthed it.
13:26Adios, Mrs Fleck.
13:28She wouldn't have felt a thing.
13:33Not a dicky bird.
13:35You're lying.
13:40Morning, Tim.
13:41Morning, Maud.
13:43Did David go off OK?
13:46Oh.
13:48Maud's dog David died.
13:51Oh, it's a bit of a tongue twist to that, isn't it?
13:54Maud's dog David died.
13:55Sorry.
13:58My mum died last night, if that's any consolation.
14:01It is.
14:05Can I blow you a kiss?
14:08I've got to go and buy a coffin.
14:10Right, bye.
14:13This one's quite nice.
14:15The Copperfield.
14:16It comes in beech.
14:17That's a fawny beige.
14:18Or ebony.
14:19That's black.
14:20Bit depressing, actually.
14:22Or there's this one, the Pickwick.
14:23A bit gaudy.
14:25Yes, yes, they are.
14:27Now, this one's quite dignified.
14:29The McCorber.
14:30It's very solid.
14:31Or we're doing a discount on the squeers.
14:34Oh, how much is that one?
14:35The smike?
14:36No, don't have that.
14:37It's not very strong.
14:39There have been incidents.
14:41Thomas B. Treacy, Annette speaking.
14:47How may I help you?
14:49For dogs?
14:51No, I'm afraid we don't.
14:54Not very savoury.
14:55Um, how much would the fagin be, including cremation?
15:00Cremation?
15:00Yes.
15:01Then you won't be needing a premier casket if she's having a cremation.
15:05You could opt for an economy model from our Bronte range and a respectful urn.
15:10The Nickelby urn is lovely.
15:12Or you could just scatter her ashes on a sacred spot.
15:16Did she have a sacred spot?
15:18Yes.
15:19She used to spend hours there.
15:21Little, awful graveyard.
15:23I'm sorry.
15:24I'm afraid it won't be possible to scatter her ashes there.
15:28Oh.
15:30Could we put her ashes in a coffin and bury that?
15:34Erm.
15:37Why not?
15:39Right.
15:40You'll want two coffins, then.
15:42One for the, and one for the...
15:44How's Warren?
15:46Warren?
15:47Your son.
15:48Oh, he's very well, thank you.
15:50Like Tottle Museum, did he?
15:52Yes, yes.
15:53Better than he liked Little Ottle Museum.
15:55I don't know.
15:56I'd have to ask him.
15:58Steakhouse!
15:58Steakhouse!
15:59They're turning it into a steakhouse!
16:01Yes, I had heard a rumour.
16:02You'll be going, I suppose, gala opening night at the steakhouse.
16:06Ooh, steakhouse!
16:07Steakhouse!
16:08Let's all go to the steakhouse.
16:09I'll have a steak, please, with some steak on it.
16:12Let's all go to Turpin's Steakhouse and have a good time eating meat.
16:16Will it be the faking, then?
16:21Oh, yes.
16:22Phony beige?
16:24Black.
16:31Oh, well.
16:32All right, Tim.
16:37You look like you've been to a funeral.
16:38I have.
16:39My mum's.
16:40Right, sorry.
16:42Very sorry, Tim.
16:43Everyone dies.
16:45True enough.
16:46I remember when my dad died, he, uh...
16:50Doesn't matter.
16:58Just think, in a month's time, this'll be Turpin's Steakhouse.
17:01Yes.
17:02Hey, Alf!
17:02You like the waitresses?
17:04Only busty brunettes need apply, know what I mean?
17:06Where's Cardinal Wolsey's potato now?
17:08In a skip out the back.
17:10Where's the Victorian milking stool?
17:11Oh, we've kept that.
17:12I've got to put a sign on it saying Turpin's arse was here, know what I mean?
17:15It was made 150 years after Turpin died.
17:18All right.
17:19The ghost of Turpin's arse was here.
17:21Well, I must be on my way.
17:23My car's on a...
17:25It's my ulcer.
17:27Cancel business.
17:32Has anyone ever been haunted by an arse?
17:38Come on, lads.
17:39I've got some costumes for you to try on.
17:41Everyone's got to wear old and day's clothes.
17:42Come on, Alf, you and all.
17:43I'm a cock, I hope.
17:44Come on, Timbo.
17:46Stop moping, you boring ginger misery.
17:49I'm not a boring ginger misery.
17:52I'm a pale and interesting redhead.
17:59Everyone dies.
18:02Hi.
18:04Tim.
18:05The door was open.
18:07How's things?
18:08All right.
18:09We're having a few drinks tonight.
18:12Very casual.
18:13Just flopping around, you know.
18:15Bit of grub.
18:16Couple of vids.
18:17Touch of the old wacky backy.
18:19One or two other substances I managed to procure from Otto General.
18:24Wondered if you fancied indulging.
18:27She knew.
18:27No, thanks.
18:28No, thanks.
18:30Sure.
18:31Go your own way, guy.
18:33Right.
18:37Er, one thing.
18:39I hope it's cool.
18:41I buzzed the social services.
18:43They're sending round a bereavement counsellor.
18:46It's just a chat, you know.
18:48Nothing heavy duty.
18:51Right.
18:52When's the funeral?
18:55It was today.
18:57You didn't tell anyone?
18:58She died alone.
19:00She was buried alone.
19:01We're all alone.
19:04Is that a gun in your pocket?
19:07No.
19:08You're just pleased to see me.
19:10What do you mean?
19:13The counsellor will be along next week.
19:18Hi, Mum.
19:19How's things?
19:20Are there things where you are?
19:25You don't have to answer.
19:28Mum, I'm going to kill Graham Lambert.
19:31And anyone else who goes to the steakhouse.
19:36Just thought I'd let you know what I'm up to.
19:39I'll be busy as a bee.
19:41A killer bee.
19:44I hope you don't mind the flowers being plastic.
19:47But they last longer.
19:50When we've lost someone we love,
19:52we often bottle up all the feelings we feel.
19:56Very strong feelings.
19:59And we don't let them out.
20:02Do you know what I mean?
20:03It's milk.
20:04No, thanks.
20:04And sometimes the best thing to do is to have a really good cry.
20:12Really uncork the feeling bottle.
20:15Does that make sense?
20:17In a penguin.
20:19Not just now.
20:20Oh.
20:22Do you feel like a weep, Timothy?
20:25Quite busy at the moment.
20:26OK.
20:30You have a wee.
20:31Oh.
20:33In your own good time.
20:39Have you heard about this new steakhouse?
20:42Turpin's Steakhouse?
20:44Yes.
20:45I'm going on the opening night, actually.
20:47So am I.
20:51Well, that's something to look forward to, isn't it?
20:58There.
21:00I knew it would come.
21:04Well done.
21:09Right.
21:10So you're at Turpin's Slaughterhouse, then?
21:13Steakhouse?
21:14Oh, yes.
21:15Of course.
21:15Chop, chop, Alf.
21:22Elbow grease, elbow grease.
21:24Try and look 18th century, will you?
21:28Hey.
21:29Stand and deliver.
21:31Oh, cheer up, you miserable witch.
21:34Now.
21:35What a bloody hell's tiny, Tim.
21:38Got a new job?
21:39Yeah.
21:40I'd be meaning to tell you.
21:41I've been struck off for the drugs.
21:44Oh.
21:44I've been doing a bit of music, you know.
21:46Oh.
21:47Minstrelink.
21:48At the s...
21:48The steakhouse.
21:50Non-contract pieces.
21:52Don't feel guilty, Judas Piper.
21:55The more the merrier.
21:56Don't feel guilty.
21:58Oh.
21:58Pah-pah-pah.
22:06Hi, Maud.
22:09All right, Tim.
22:10Just digging up David.
22:12Right.
22:13Any particular reason?
22:15I found this carpenter in Risby and his hobby's making coffins for dead pets.
22:20I wish I'd have known that before I buried him.
22:23Come on, you bog-air.
22:25I was just thinking, actually.
22:26You and I have got quite a lot in common.
22:28We're both like a laugh, and we're both recently bereaved.
22:32Yeah, all this, will you?
22:36Oh, I love you, Maud.
22:38Save me from what I might do.
22:41You're beautiful, like a woman.
22:44I'll always love you.
22:46Marry me.
22:47Let's run away to Cardiff and start a new life.
22:51See you tonight, then.
22:53What?
22:54You're working at Turpin's, aren't you?
22:56I'm going tonight.
22:57I love steak.
23:00Goodbye, Maud.
23:07Oh, Turpin.
23:13Treasure.
23:14Oh, sorry.
23:23Health, come in here.
23:25What for?
23:26I want to show you something.
23:30Are those the guns from the museum?
23:33Yes.
23:33They still work.
23:34I killed a cow on the way here, and an owl, with one bullet.
23:40How?
23:41I shot the cow, and it fell on the owl.
23:44Oh.
23:46Nice one.
23:47That's not all, Alf.
23:48I've got a secret plan.
23:49That's insane.
23:56You couldn't get away with it.
23:59Could you?
24:00Good evening.
24:01Hey, you've heard of Bernie in.
24:02This is Turpin.
24:04Good evening.
24:05Evening, Tim.
24:05Guess what?
24:06You know what was...
24:07It's too late, Maud.
24:08No, but the thing is...
24:08It's over, lady.
24:10You had a chance.
24:12Stand and deliver your coat, madam.
24:14I don't want Porter's head.
24:16I want Gypsy Kings.
24:19Has the Turpin pie got a lot of kidney in it?
24:22Oh, great.
24:24One High Women's platter.
24:26One Black Bess platter.
24:27And what do you want, Warren?
24:28A Big Mac.
24:29No, they only do platters.
24:31Do you think Dick Turpin had a dog?
24:34Here's your stand and deliver.
24:36Very fruity.
24:37And the drink.
24:39Are you talking to me?
24:42Because I'm talking to you.
24:44You must be the person talking to me
24:46because I'm the only one here.
24:48Shut up, will you?
24:50I'm trying to concentrate.
24:55Hello.
24:59Hello.
25:00Do I hear the sound of money being printed?
25:02Oh, it's very impressive, Graham.
25:05We'll have a whole chain of these
25:06throughout the Northwest region by Christmas.
25:08Quid's in, mate.
25:09They'll be cacking themselves down the Chicago rib-shack.
25:12Chic-rib-shack.
25:13Graham Lambott, stand and deliver.
25:17Oh, it's true.
25:21Very good, Sim.
25:23Very funny.
25:24Now, put your toys away,
25:26scuttle back to your cubby hole,
25:28or I'll stand and deliver you
25:30a P-45.
25:31Have you seen a turpin with a gun?
25:50He stole my pistols.
25:52Stop that turpin.
25:54Those turpins are dead.
25:58Bleeding students.
26:02Come on.
26:05Go, you, you toe-rag.
26:07Dr. Piper.
26:09Tim, why did you do it, Tim?
26:11I didn't.
26:12I wanted to, but another turpin stole my pistols.
26:15I thought it was you.
26:17Not me.
26:17It's not my scene.
26:18Stand and deliver.
26:21Alf?
26:22It's the curator to you.
26:24Eat lead.
26:25Whoa.
26:25Welcome to the Tim Fleck Museum of Murder.
26:45I, myself, was there that horrific night
26:50when Tim Fleck, failed and selfish curator,
26:58became known as...
26:59The steakhouse psycho of Little Attle.
27:02Bang on, son.
27:03Yes, he murdered Graham Lambert over there,
27:06which you saw previously.
27:09Then he slaughtered the drug craze, Dr. Piper,
27:13whom he blamed for the death of his beloved mother.
27:17Where is he now?
27:18Ah.
27:20He was never found.
27:24Some say he is in the Amazon jungle with Lord Lucan.
27:29Others say they saw him coolly dunking his crossings
27:33into a cappuccino outside Ottle Brasserie.
27:37But one thing's for sure.
27:39He will never again be known.
27:43As the curator.
27:50Ah, we've been expecting you.
27:53Have we met before, Mr. Phone?
27:56Call me Martin.
27:58Martin Phone.
28:00And this here's my lovely wife.
28:02Howdy, y'all.
28:04Yep.
28:04We just flew in from good old U.S. of States.
28:07Right.
28:09And I believe a million pounds was the figure you offered
28:12as a donation to the museum.
28:16Cash?
28:17Yes, sirree.
28:19You got it.
28:20With one stipulation.
28:22Anything.
28:24That from this moment on,
28:26I've been known as...
28:26He wants to be the curator.
28:28I wanted to say that.
28:30But from this moment on,
28:32I've been known as...
28:33Howdy.
28:53Howdy.
28:53Howdy.
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