- 2 days ago
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00:00Ah!
00:02Blackers, guys!
00:06Blackers, guys!
00:08Blackers, fans!
00:10We're just here, huh?
00:12Whoa!
00:16Oh, yeah!
00:18Ow!
00:22You're a commissioner in the back now!
00:24I'm gonna carry him!
00:26Mike Crystal is a man of many parts
00:42You want singing? He's got it
00:49You want dancing? He's got it
00:53You want comedy? He can do it
00:58Just like that
01:00Not like that, but like that
01:05Mike is truly one of Britain's most popular and in-demand entertainers
01:14Call him at home on 0161 289 5391
01:22Mike asks you to note that whilst he is a jack of all entertainment trades
01:31He is master of the song
01:35I.E. singing
01:40Then I saw her face
01:43Now I'm a believer
01:45Are that all right then?
01:47Oh, I think so, Mr Woods
01:49That exit door is fine
01:50If there was a fire, I think everyone would be able to get out here all right
01:53If they get an advance notice of some sort
01:55Oh, and I also think that the absence of fire extinguish is actually a good thing
01:59Because it leaves more room when people are running towards the exit
02:02Buy your wife a night, eh?
02:04Oh, thank you very much
02:06Thank you
02:20Thank you very much
02:21That was a special request from Deborah
02:24Who's tickling the ivories over there
02:26Lucky old ivories
02:27As I say, a special request from Debs
02:30She asked me not to sing it
02:32Thank you
02:34I must actually apologise for the absence of my trumpet player
02:38He's not very well
02:39No, he's seriously ill
02:42He's got a kidney infection
02:43Anyway, on with the show
02:45Clem?
02:55Clem?
02:56Clem?
02:59Clem?
03:00Oh, Michael
03:01Great show tonight
03:02I'm a believer
03:03That's good stuff
03:04Yeah, I was just wondering
03:06Any chance of any money for the week?
03:08For what?
03:09Food
03:10Yeah, yeah
03:11Yes, food, sorry
03:12Hey, hey, hey
03:15Nearly closed the door on me then
03:17What kind of food do you want, Mike?
03:23Well, ordinary food
03:24Meat pies, spaghetti, ice cream
03:26Not on the same plate
03:28That'd be daft
03:29I've got some Viscounts
03:33And some cream crackers
03:34No, no, you don't understand
03:35What I meant was
03:36If you give me the money
03:37I can buy the food
03:39You can have money, Mike
03:41You can have all the money you want
03:42As long as you don't mind my son
03:44Gone without school books
03:45Oh, God, no
03:47Take a pew, Mike
03:48How long have we been friends, Mike?
03:52Erm, well, I've been playing at the club
03:55Five years
03:56Five years?
03:58Andy?
03:59I think we've gotten to be pretty good friends, haven't we?
04:02It's tea, ain't it?
04:03No, coffee
04:04Oh, right
04:05Two sugars?
04:06No, no sugar
04:07Right
04:08Milk?
04:09No
04:09No
04:10Well, the truth is, Mike
04:15If I were to give you the money now
04:17I'd be endangering the long-term future
04:19Of the Maxi Club
04:20Yeah, it's just that
04:22Yeah, I know
04:23I know, Mike
04:25And I'm sorry
04:27Right
04:28Well, er
04:29Fair enough
04:31You know
04:31I can, er, I can accept that
04:33Obviously
04:33But, erm
04:35And you'll forgive me for being ever so slightly bold here
04:38Clement
04:39But, er, I really would quite like to do me own night
04:42You know, Crystal Night
04:43And I'll be frank, Clement
04:45I, oh, used to know Frank Clement
04:47It's thrown me a bit
04:48Anyway
04:49Butcher
04:50Yeah
04:51Anyway
04:52Er, Crystal Night
04:53I'm standing me ground
04:54Two words, Mike
04:56New York
04:57When?
04:59Now!
05:00Oh, God!
05:02Start spreading the news
05:10I'm leaving today
05:14Sorry
05:16He said his son would have to go without school books
05:19His son's a lorry driver
05:22Oh, yeah
05:23He'd buy his own school books
05:24Mike
05:26Clement, Clem
05:29Mike
05:30Isn't it a lovely evening?
05:32Er, yes
05:33Yes, yes it is
05:33Clem, I...
05:34Shh!
05:35Listen
05:35Silence
05:38Yeah, Clement, I really...
05:40Silence is golden, Mike
05:42I know it is, Clement
05:43But I've got to ask you this right now
05:44Crystal Night
05:45Yes or no
05:47You need a definite answer
05:49Don't you?
05:50Yes
05:50I can definitely say
05:52That I'll be able to give you an answer
05:54Within the next while
05:55And I can't be much clearer than that, can I, Mike?
05:58Now, look, Clement
05:58Keep your voice down, Mike
06:00It's a residential area
06:01Sorry, sorry about that
06:02Mike?
06:03Clement
06:04All right, look
06:07I'll make a decision
06:08Crystal Night is next Thursday
06:13Are you serious?
06:16May God strike me down if I'm lying to you
06:18Strike me down, God
06:20Oh, Clement
06:22Hang on, Mike
06:22Give him another few seconds
06:23There
06:25He didn't strike me down
06:28And he could have done if he'd wanted to
06:30Cos he's God
06:33Debs
06:46You were great tonight, Mike
06:53You really stood up to Clement
06:55Yeah
06:57Quite liked it
06:58Being a bit tough
07:00Suits me
07:01I don't need a manager
07:03I can handle myself
07:04Even though you're a bit of a dickhead
07:07It was really impressive
07:07You do realise
07:08If Crystal Night's a hit
07:10We could be talking
07:11Big books
07:12New synthesiser for you
07:14Cordless microphone for me
07:15New patio
07:17The sky's the limit
07:19Who's a dickhead?
07:21So why did the police call in the jackal?
07:23Oh, I haven't got to that bit yet
07:24I'm reading the hijack bits first
07:26God, he loved to hijack things
07:28If you were on a plane
07:29And it suddenly changed direction
07:30You know, it went
07:31Like that
07:32You could be sure that Carlos
07:34Was behind the wheel
07:35Laughing his head off
07:37Anyway, it's only a matter of time
07:39Before they catch him
07:40And then it'll be
07:42Adios, Carlos
07:44They already caught him
07:45They caught him last year
07:46Oh, thanks a lot
07:49Debs?
08:05Hmm?
08:06Do you want to have sex at all?
08:09Yeah, all right
08:09I'll just watch the end of this
08:13All right, so, uh, after this?
08:15Is that all right for you?
08:16Hmm?
08:16You won't be too tired or anything?
08:17No, no, it'll be all right
08:19I might not, you know, be able to keep going for ages and ages
08:22That's all right, don't worry about that
08:24Quick one
08:26Yeah, quick one
08:27During the weather
08:28Unless it's Suzanne Charlton
08:31Oh, turn it up, it's a great bit, this
08:34Turn it up, turn it up
08:35I've treated you lot well
08:37Even when you was out of order
08:39Right?
08:40I've treated you lot well
08:42Even when you was out of order
08:44Yeah, right
08:44All right, all right
08:50Hold your horses
08:50Hold your horses
08:52Hello
08:54Hello
08:55Hello, who the hell's this then?
08:57Clement Woods
08:58I wanted to speak to Mike Crystal
09:00Right, I'll just get him
09:03Er, hello Clement, Mike Crystal here
09:06Who was that Mike?
09:07Erm
09:08Right
09:09Mike, just to confirm the details about Thursday night
09:12Crystal night?
09:13Yeah
09:14Anyway, you're on at ten
09:16Just before Gerald the Sumo Magician
09:18And wait
09:19Hang on a second
09:19I thought you said it was crystal night
09:21It is crystal night
09:22Well, how's that crystal night?
09:24Well, it's crystal night
09:25Because I'm checking you off Wednesdays and Fridays
09:27So it's the only night you're on
09:29Hence, crystal night
09:30I thought when you said crystal night
09:32You're still exactly the same place on the bill, Mike
09:35It's just the rest of the bill is moving up a bit
09:37You see, I'm demonstrating with my hands, Mike
09:40Now, you were here
09:42In line with my windpipe
09:44And the rest of the acts were round about here
09:47Just below the upper chest region
09:49Now they're here
09:50I'm putting my hands in front of my face, Mike
09:53But you're still where you were
09:56You haven't moved at all
09:57Obviously, it'd be better if you could see this
09:59Hang on, Clement
10:00I'm at my windpipe
10:02And they were on my chest
10:04So where are they now?
10:04They're at your hairline, Mike
10:06And that's where they're staying
10:07Clement, I really don't think you
10:08Can you hold on a moment, please?
10:18Hello, who's this?
10:20Hello
10:20Clement, how are you?
10:22It's good to talk
10:22I met you at that party
10:23Now, I really don't like what you're trying to pull with my boy
10:26Who is this?
10:28I'll be representing Mr Crystal from now on
10:30Now, what's this about the line-up?
10:32Well, Gerald the Sumo Magician's on a bit of a nut streak at the moment
10:35Wrong!
10:36Sumo magic?
10:37What's that?
10:38Some bloody sumo wrestler doing magic?
10:42Yes
10:43Right, well, I'm very unhappy about that
10:46Well, if you've got a problem, you know where I am
10:48I do know where you are
10:49And I'll be round tomorrow, so be there
10:51I will, it's my office
10:53Right, see you tomorrow at two o'clock
10:55Goodbye!
10:56I've got the voice
10:59All I need is a name and a disguise
11:02I know it's you
11:04No one ever recognised the jackal
11:06I need a name like Clint Eastwood
11:09But harder
11:10Arnold Schwarzenegger
11:13When I hear the name Arnold, I think of
11:17Arnold works down re-diffusion
11:19You know, lanky, big nose, very bad acne
11:23Yeah, I've only got any fever
11:24Yeah, not a tough guy
11:26What about Sylvester Stallone?
11:32Sylvester?
11:33All right, Mr. Stallone, what can I do for you?
11:36Clint
11:36Clint?
11:38Clint Stallone?
11:39Like the film star?
11:41Are you related?
11:43Well, between you and me?
11:45No
11:45All right, Clint
11:48I can give you two minutes
11:49Actually, thinking about it
11:51I would prefer it if you called me Mr. Stallone
11:53Do continue
11:54Mr. Stallone
11:57I don't know who you are
11:58But I'll be honest with you
12:00You look a bit flash to me
12:02And I'm always wary of that type of man
12:04Oh, you know all about sports cars and casinos
12:07But very little about hard craft
12:09Now I'm a very busy man
12:11So just say your piece and be on your way
12:12Well, it's very simple
12:14You are out of order
12:19How dare you take Mike Crystal off Fridays and Wednesdays
12:24Mike is Mr. Friday night
12:26And Mr. Wednesday night
12:28You soldiery little man
12:31Now you put Mike right back in the shop where he belongs
12:34Right now
12:34Or I'll fall on you like a fat clumsy stripper
12:37And when I say right now
12:39I mean right now
12:41Mr. Stallone
12:42I think you've made your point
12:43With admirable clarity
12:44And without having to resort to foul language
12:46I'm a plain man
12:48Who appreciates plain speaking
12:49I've noted what you've said
12:51And I think I'll be able to agree to some of your demands
12:53Not some!
12:54All!
12:55All!
12:55I meant to say all
12:56But in the excitement I came out of some
12:57Clement?
13:01Yes, Mr. Stallone
13:02You can call me Clint
13:04Thank you
13:06Clint
13:07Goodbye then
13:15Bye
13:16Goodbye
13:17Bye
13:17Bye
13:18I'm so proud of you
13:24Do the voice again
13:26So, what do you think you're up to, young lady?
13:29No, no, leave it on
13:31What?
13:32Let's see what the manager can manage
13:35Oh, I see
13:36Role play
13:37Nice idea
13:38And you're going to perform for me, are you?
13:42So, who are you?
13:44Gerald the Sumo magician
13:46Oh, you put me off now
13:47Why did you say him?
13:49You rang earlier
13:50He wants to audition for Clint Stallone management
13:55No way
13:56Was that your card?
14:05Yeah
14:05Yeah, it was
14:07And that's basically it
14:11The thing is, Gerald
14:13It's such a strong act
14:15I don't think you need representation
14:17I just feel I need to stand out from the crowd
14:20Is that a rabbit?
14:25Look, I'll think about it
14:27But do me a favour
14:28Don't tell anyone else about me
14:30Alright?
14:32Basically, using my special powers
14:35I can make animals do anything I want
14:37Shut up!
14:40Great, can you do anyone else?
14:42Anyone
14:43Absolutely anyone
14:44But we feel most comfortable doing Laurel and our day
14:47Yeah, well, you would
14:49An apple
14:50And
14:52Cat Stevens
14:54Greatest hits
14:56Correct
14:57So, will you take me on?
15:00Now, that is your problem
15:01No, you listen to me
15:04This is not some Mickey Mouse operation
15:07Just lemonade for me, I'm drunk
15:09I don't care
15:10Clint Stallone management is a primo set-up with primo artistes
15:13You can double your rates on Gerald, Mike, Hypno and Mr Memory
15:17No, of course you can have a discount with your book Laurel and Hardy
15:22And between you and me, my profile is rising
15:26As we speak
15:28I might be signing a few monster names on the club circuit
15:32Does the phrase
15:33I've got a brand new combine harvest
15:36That mean anything to you?
15:38Yes
15:39Yes
15:41There
15:41Yes
15:43Yes
15:45Yes
15:47Yes
15:49Yes
15:51Yes
15:52Well, they're not that good
15:54Yeah, I mean, they were as us
15:55Goodbye, Clement
15:56Curtains, put that down, you'll break it
16:04Oh, sorry, Uncle Clement
16:07Leave it
16:08Listen
16:10You'll bring your camera with you
16:11What?
16:12You think I brought my camera bag and not my camera?
16:17Oh, bun
16:18Never mind
16:19Listen
16:20I want you to do some surveillance work for me
16:23Oh, great
16:24Have you done any of that type of thing before?
16:28No
16:29What is it?
16:31Okay
16:31Someone's querying me pitch
16:33And I want you to get on his tail and scoop some dirt
16:37Yeah
16:38Look
16:40Have you ever heard of this bloke Stallone?
16:43Yeah
16:44Have you?
16:45Yeah
16:46He's Rocky 1
16:47Rocky 2
16:47Rocky V
16:48Rocky Ivy
16:49Boys
16:51I loved
16:52I've got a brand new combine harvester
16:55We all did
16:56It captured the mood of that time
16:58But I think what people want now is a combine harvester for today
17:03If you like
17:04A brand new, brand new combine harvester
17:07Sounds good
17:08I'm not sure how long I can keep this up, Debs
17:11I mean, you do still prefer me as Mike, don't you?
17:14Yeah, of course
17:15I've got this great new idea for the axe
17:17We can try it out on crystal knife
17:18Start off with all this dry ice
17:20And at Debs
17:23I can't help it
17:24I feel like I'm having an affair
17:25Yeah, well, come on
17:26I want to tell you this, right
17:27So there's all this dry ice
17:28Right now
17:31Sorry, what were you saying?
17:35Er, yes, right, thanks
17:36Anyway
17:36So there's all this dry ice, right
17:38And I come on dressed as
17:41A matador
17:43Oh, God, not again
17:44Oh, Bob
17:51Oh, arse
17:58Right, so we start off with all this dry ice, right
18:03Then I come on dressed as a matador
18:06Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike
18:09Anyway, I could
18:10Oh, God, Mike
18:12That a man like that should win your trust
18:15And vent
18:16No, I can't do it
18:18Forget it, Mike
18:19Forget I called you in here
18:21Just go now
18:23Run from this office, Mike
18:25Run and don't look back
18:26Run
18:26Mike, where are you going?
18:28You can't run away from the truth
18:30I'm not just going to get a can of Fanta from the vent
18:32Look!
18:38I know it's shocking
18:39Take your time, Mike
18:42What do you think?
18:45It's a photograph of Debs
18:46Is she looking for a contact lens?
18:49No, not Debs, Mike
18:50Look who she's with
18:51Clint
18:52Yes
18:53And she's not looking for a contact lens, neither
18:56Oh, God, no!
19:00Just let it all out, Mike
19:04Dear God, take this pain away
19:07Oh, he's bad news, Mike
19:09An outsider
19:10Get rid of him
19:11He said I'll be the next Michael Ball
19:13I trusted him
19:14And Debs, too
19:15You'll have to have a word with her as well
19:17And I think Crystal Knight might have to go on the back burner
19:20While we sort all this out
19:21Well, hang on a minute
19:22Let's not go mad
19:23Look, you wait here
19:25And I'll go and give that brazen hussy a piece of my mind
19:28I've got a present for you
19:30Ole
19:32Never mind Ole, you Jezebel
19:36Look at this
19:37Oh, it's me
19:38Am I looking for my contact lens?
19:41No
19:41Look
19:43It's us in the cafe
19:46No, it isn't
19:47God, I wish it was
19:48It's you and Clint Stallone
19:51Oh, God
19:54The game is up
19:55Yeah
19:56You're a tart, aren't you?
19:59Am I?
20:00Yeah
20:00I suppose I am
20:01Why?
20:02It was just one of those things
20:05Was it?
20:06Mm
20:06All right, I forgive you
20:08Now, look, Mike
20:09I know it's none of my business
20:10But
20:11She's really going for it, isn't she?
20:15What's so funny, Debs?
20:17When was the last time you went for me like that?
20:19Yes, well, let's talk about it at home
20:20I mean it, Debs
20:21You can kiss goodbye to Clint
20:22No, you can say goodbye
20:23No, you can't even do that
20:24He's gone
20:25I've sacked him
20:25Mike?
20:26What's the matter?
20:27I still fancy him, do you?
20:28Yeah, actually, I do
20:28He had balls
20:30She's right, Mike
20:30Oh, I big man
20:32Yeah, he is a big man
20:33Bigger than you
20:34In what way?
20:34Shut up, Clement
20:35If he's so big, why isn't he here to face me?
20:38Mike?
20:39I'll show you he's a big man
20:40I want Clement
20:41And whoever that is over there
20:43Who are you?
20:44Curtains
20:44I took the photographs
20:46Oh, hello
20:46I want Clement and Curtains
20:48Curtains, really?
20:51I want Clement and Curtains and you
20:53To witness me telling Clint
20:55Exactly what I think of him
20:56Tomorrow at 2 o'clock
20:57And he better be here
20:59Oh, boom
21:10Oh, morning, Mr. Stallone
21:12Morning, Curtains
21:13Here
21:14What's your girlfriend called?
21:17Denise
21:18Denise
21:19I must remember that
21:21What the hell's going on?
21:25Where's Mike?
21:26Has he told you what this is all about?
21:29My clients and I never discuss old business affairs
21:31Don't you?
21:34Well, yeah, we do, obviously
21:35But not on the phone
21:36Anyway, what are you lot doing here?
21:38Well, this is my office
21:40Well, that doesn't matter
21:42Come on, outside
21:43A meeting between client and manager
21:45Can sometimes get a little rough
21:46And if there's going to be a dogfight
21:47I don't want the lovely Deborah
21:48Covered in fear a bit severe
21:50Can you set me answering, Missy?
21:51Out!
22:10All right, Mike
22:11All right, Curtains
22:14You know, uh, you know Clint's been shagging your Denise, don't you?
22:18Don't even know her name
22:19Hi, is Clint here yet?
22:24He's very much here, Mike
22:26He's inside
22:27Right, well, uh
22:28As you know
22:29Um, Clint and I never discuss our business affairs
22:32On the phone
22:32So, uh, here goes
22:34Oh, hang on, Mike
22:36Hey
22:37These are Clint's glasses
22:39I know they are
22:43Mike, how are you?
22:47Now, don't how are you, me, Clint?
22:50I've just found your glasses on my Deb's bedside table
22:53There's a perfectly innocent explanation for that, Mike
22:57What is it?
23:00Hang on, no, there isn't
23:01Uh, change the subject
23:02All right, then
23:03What about these photographs?
23:05What, it's just a photograph of Deb's?
23:07Is she looking for a contact lens?
23:09No, put your glasses on, Specky
23:12Oh, no
23:14It's a photograph of me
23:15In a compromising position with Deborah
23:18That's right
23:20I've been rumbled
23:21Yes
23:22You don't know what it's been like
23:26You don't know what I've been through
23:27What have you been through?
23:33I'm not telling you
23:35Oh, here, let go, Mike, Crystal
23:39You'll break my arm
23:41I will and all
23:42No, Clint, Clint, come back
23:54Oh, Debs, I just want to go home
23:58Sprightly, isn't he?
24:00I got a brand new, brand new
24:03Is Clint here yet?
24:12I haven't seen him
24:13But he said he'd be here, though
24:14So how do you know
24:16When an animal's been hypnotised?
24:17You just know
24:18Good evening, everybody
24:23And welcome to the Wurzel launch
24:26First of all, I must apologise
24:28For the absence of the Wurzels' manager
24:30Mr Clint Stallone
24:32Now, I know we're all dying to see the new video
24:35I've got a brand new tape
24:38Of I've got a brand new, brand new combine harvester
24:41Without further ado
24:44Oh, this is a do, isn't it?
24:46Do? There's two do's
24:47I don't want two, that'd be daft
24:49The new video from the Wurzels
24:52Filmed at Alton Towers
24:54Good evening, everybody
24:57First of all
24:59A big pat on the back to the Wurzels
25:01The new single is a fantastic tune
25:03Which will no doubt propel the boys
25:05Back to the top of the charts
25:06Not only here in the UK
25:08But also in Finland
25:10I'm sorry I can't be there
25:12But you see
25:13I'm dying of lung cancer
25:15But please, please
25:17Eat, drink and don't yourself silly
25:19But easy on the facts
25:22Yes, by the time you see this
25:26I'll be dead
25:27Well, I've got to go
25:29In both senses of the word
25:31But one final thing
25:33Clement
25:34I know you weren't invited this evening
25:36But given your capacity for any kind of food or drink
25:38As long as it's free
25:39I'm sure you're here somewhere
25:41Shoving a voli-vaunt in your face
25:42Clement
25:44I want you to do something very important for me
25:47A dying man's final wish
25:49I want you to give Mike Crystal
25:52I'm sure he's here somewhere
25:54What he's always wanted
25:55His own night
25:57Crystal night
25:59Clement
26:00Will you do that for me?
26:04Oh, Clint
26:06I'm waiting, Clement
26:08Just say those two words
26:10Yes, Clint
26:12Yes, Clint
26:15Come on, Clement
26:16Just two little words
26:19Is that so hard?
26:21I thought he'd hold that a bit longer than that
26:23Well
26:23Yes, Clint
26:24Thank you
26:25That's the end
26:26As you watch this
26:28I will be lying lifeless
26:30On a mortuary slab
26:32So without further ado
26:34Let's take a look
26:36At the brand new video
26:37From the Wurzles
26:38I thought it all went well
26:45Till the agent bloke said he were dying
26:46Ladies and gentlemen
26:50It's Thursday
26:52The weekend starts tomorrow
26:54But tonight
26:56It's Crystal night
26:57With your very own
26:59Mike Crystal
27:01Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon
27:14Would you like to glide in my beautiful balloon
27:20Hey, mate
27:21Do you know there's a pub called The Swan?
27:23Yeah, it's round the corner
27:24I'll buy what's happening there today
27:26Karaoke
27:27I'll get you free if you buy the drinks
27:29Yeah, what the heck
27:31Can I go?
27:33Hang on, you don't have to pay to get you too swamped
27:35Not yet
27:36Oh, arse
27:39Thank you very much
28:01A beautiful song
28:03A beautiful balloon
28:04For a beautiful lady
28:05Thank you
28:08Thank you very much
28:08Yeah, so, er
28:11Mike's going to be away every Wednesday night from now on
28:15You saucy little temptress
28:19But one thing
28:20You will be sleeping with Mike every other night of the week
28:23Oh, yeah
28:24Good
28:25Mmm
28:28Mmm
28:29Mmm
28:30Mmm
Recommended
29:23
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