- 2 days ago
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00:00Oh
00:30Robin, back of the toolbox. Sockets span a quarter and three-eighths.
00:47Oh, hello, Ted. Did you get your new dynamo?
00:50Morning, Ernest. Art works a treat, thanks.
00:52How much did it cost you?
00:53Two and six at Bisco's.
00:54They must have seen you coming.
00:56Well, they can now.
00:57Oh. There's a picture for you, Robin. The laughing policeman.
01:02Hey, that's a fancy gadget, Robin.
01:04Gets himself a brownie. Thinks he's Cecil B. DeMille.
01:08Morning, Peter.
01:09All right.
01:10Has young calf got a name yet?
01:13Paul.
01:14Hope he don't grow up to be like his dad.
01:27Well, the real trouble with these things is the minor slave cogs. They weren't built
01:38to last. They'd pack up after about 20 years. That's anvil engineering for you. They've always
01:42been flyby nights. Anyway, what I did was I filed down the cog teeth off an old Jefferson
01:47mangle and Bob's your uncle.
01:48Oh, well, they must be off.
01:51Okey-doke. Robin, can you pass me just a...
01:54Oh, hello, Miss Mullinger.
01:55Morning, Mr Moss. Morning, Robin.
01:58Thanks ever so much for you slating my roof.
02:00But what do I owe you for your trouble?
02:02Nothing. It were a piece of pudding.
02:04But the slates must have cost you.
02:05Not a sausage. We salvaged all stack of them and we demolished the dribble.
02:08Put your purse away.
02:10Oh, Mr Moss. There's not many like you.
02:12Well.
02:14Ta-ta, then.
02:18I've got a few slates missing. Could you help me?
02:22I don't know if we've got that many.
02:24Oh.
02:26Who'd have thought it? Miss Hottle, 1923.
02:35Well, this is no good. What to do? What are you giving me there?
02:39Oh, of course. My new mole grips.
02:41Clever lad. Have some peanut brittle.
02:44Am I a bit slow?
02:46That was Cliff Richard.
02:48Now a man who's sitting at number two in the chance this week.
02:50He plays the piano side saddle.
02:57Morning, Ernest.
02:58Morning, Reverend.
02:59When do you want me to come round and do your pearly gates?
03:02I think heaven can wait.
03:04Are you coming to the meeting tonight?
03:06I'll pop along later.
03:08Looks like it might get interesting.
03:12Excuse me, sir.
03:13I'm afraid you can't park in front of town, though.
03:15It's only for official vehicles.
03:17PC Cromwell.
03:19Morning, Councillor Crabb.
03:20It's all right. It is official.
03:23Right.
03:24Hey, what's its top speed?
03:26130 miles an hour.
03:29Crumbs.
03:29It's no wonder the roof's blown off.
03:31Do you like the curves?
03:36Oh, yes.
03:37The curves.
03:38The curves.
03:39Aye, very nice.
03:40You might say it's a reek bobby-dazzler.
03:42What with me being a bobby and it being dazzling.
03:45Well, best be off.
03:46So, you see, the whole scheme is, to coin a phrase, beneficial.
03:54That is why I, as leader of Otter District Council, give my wholehearted support for above-mentioned.
04:02Which I won't repeat as I've just briefly elaborated.
04:05Anyway, here to tell more, so to speak, the owner of Streamline Structures, Mr. Francis Burgoyne.
04:20Members of the council, ladies and gentlemen, people of Otter, why am I here?
04:30I'm here because you're here.
04:33God bless.
04:35I like you.
04:38You're plucky.
04:39You've got spirit.
04:41And that's what attracted me to Otter.
04:44The people.
04:45Because it's people who make a town, not the buildings.
04:49The buildings aren't important.
04:57Very swish, but far too frivolous, Robin.
05:00Whereas this is reliability.
05:02Put that in your pocket.
05:03This is the Jones family.
05:10They used to live in a cramped Victorian terrace.
05:14They were miserable.
05:15But today things are different.
05:17They're living in the house of tomorrow, thanks to Streamline Structures Limited.
05:21Adorned with luxuries.
05:22Adorned with luxuries.
05:23An electric cooker.
05:24A refrigerator.
05:26A modern tumble dryer for mum.
05:31And dad, there's no need to go outside when nature calls.
05:34So, do you want to keep up with the Joneses?
05:37Do you?
05:39Then say yes to a new life in a new town with Streamline Structures Limited.
05:43Well, you can't argue with that.
05:52I think we all agree with that.
05:54Without argument.
05:56And now, Mr. Gagoyne.
05:58Sorry, Mr. Burgoyne.
05:59We'll answer your questions.
06:02You may have.
06:04Hello.
06:04I'm Barbara.
06:05Post office Barbara.
06:07I run the post office.
06:08It's only got one bedroom.
06:10If I have a new post office, will it have two bedrooms?
06:13Then my sister Edith can come and stay.
06:16Well, Barbara, you'll be pleased to know that your new post office will have three bedrooms.
06:21Oh, no, no.
06:22I don't want three.
06:23She'll bring her friend Kitty.
06:25She's a wrong'un.
06:26We'll make it two.
06:27But keep it under your hat.
06:29I wouldn't want the whole village to know.
06:33Ernest Moss.
06:34Ernest Moss and some general maintenance engineers.
06:36It sounds fantastic.
06:38Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?
06:40Certainly.
06:40Fire away.
06:42I notice in the film you said you'd be using the latest modern construction techniques.
06:46Yes.
06:47What would they be exactly?
06:49We'll be using steel frame construction with pre-stressed concrete floors.
06:56Would they be pre-stressed with high or low tensile steel?
06:59High tensile, obviously.
07:01Presumably you'll be securing them with galvanised stainless steel anchor pins.
07:05Of course.
07:07They will be stainless steel?
07:08Yes.
07:09And galvanised?
07:10Yes.
07:12Thanks very much.
07:13You've more than answered my questions.
07:15Pit calf, bin man.
07:16Now, will this rebuilding business make a pint of Bess more expensive?
07:21No.
07:22Will it make it any cheaper?
07:24No.
07:25Well, I'm still undecided.
07:29Well, he seemed to have all the answers.
07:32Now, Tuesday, you all right for cleaning the chimney with Robin?
07:35No, he's far too big now.
07:36I'll have to bring the rods.
07:37Right, sure.
07:37Oh, Ernest, what would all that good bins about galvanised stainless steel anchor pins?
07:43It sounds like something you made up.
07:45See you Tuesday.
07:49Sorry about that fellow at the back.
07:51Ernest Moss, local character.
07:53He's harmless enough.
07:55Provides us all with a little entertainment.
07:58Would he be a problem?
08:00No.
08:01Can he be sure?
08:02No.
08:11The wife's well chuffed with these lights, Ernest.
08:15She's made you a Wimbury pie.
08:16Oh, super duper.
08:18Robin will make short shrift of that, I can tell you.
08:20I'll pop a tea towel over it for you.
08:21I wouldn't do.
08:22He'll eat that and all.
08:24Good morning.
08:25Morning.
08:26Morning.
08:27A pint of your local brew, please.
08:31There you go, sir.
08:31The best pint you'll taste this side of Risby.
08:36Splendid.
08:36Eh, it's good to be back in the north.
08:38You from round these parts, then?
08:39Oh, yes.
08:40Way back when I was a wee bairn.
08:43Over the hill at Whiteley Bay.
08:44Have on yourself and whatever Mr Moss would like.
08:47Not for me, thanks.
08:47I won't want to botch your job.
08:48People around here rely on me.
08:50But if you insist, I'll have a lemon barley water
08:51and a small glass of Vimto for Robin.
08:54I notice you smoke a pipe, Ernest.
08:57Try one of these.
08:58It's a Havana cigar.
09:01Hand-rolled.
09:03Saved for a special occasion.
09:06I was very impressed with your questions last night, Ernest.
09:08You certainly know your stuff.
09:10In fact, to be honest,
09:11we're looking to bring in some outside expertise.
09:15Think about it.
09:16Instead of being Ernest Moss' local handyman,
09:18you'll be Ernest Moss' chief technical advisor
09:21for the whole of Otto Newtown.
09:22No, thanks.
09:25Thanks.
09:34There is Snazzy.
09:35Whose is this?
09:36Yours.
09:37If you join us.
09:38It's got no flip-up side winkers.
09:46No.
09:47If I was signalling to manoeuvre
09:49and someone was overtaking me,
09:50how would they know?
09:52Well, they wouldn't.
09:54Precisely.
09:54It's a death trap.
09:55Robin!
10:01You'll have to excuse me.
10:03I've got a job over in your neck of the woods.
10:05You know, where you were a wee bairn.
10:07Whiteleybury.
10:08Or Whittlebury, as the locals call it.
10:11Flip upside, Winkers.
10:12Where is it?
10:24Miss Mullinger, where's Thursday's timetable?
10:27It's on your desk.
10:28No.
10:28You're there.
10:29Yeah, well, put it over there.
10:32Right.
10:32What day is it?
10:33It's Monday.
10:34Precisely.
10:35Without a timetable for Thursday.
10:37How am I supposed to organise a meeting
10:38for these very important businessmen from London?
10:41It's done.
10:41Yes, well, where is it?
10:42Oh, good morning, Mr Begoy.
10:47Er, Francis.
10:48Er, Frank.
10:49Shouldn't this be under lock and key?
10:50Er, it is.
10:51It was.
10:52It will be.
10:56Ah, that will be all, Miss Mullinger.
10:58Another two teas, if you'd be so kind.
11:03Everything ready for the meeting on Thursday?
11:04Yes, I've organised everything personally.
11:07Oh, here's the timetable.
11:09Any problems, your end?
11:11Mr Moss is still proving to be a little out of step.
11:14Yes, he's the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time.
11:17Some people just don't know when their presence is no longer required.
11:21I'll chase up those teas.
11:27Why don't you leave Ernest to me?
11:28He'll be like a little puppy in my lap.
11:31I thought I was your little puppy.
11:33Oh, you're my favourite little puppy.
11:35Now sit up and beg!
11:37When are we going to make puppy love?
11:40When you make me a partner in the company.
11:44That's not fair.
11:46Bad dog!
11:47I wish you wouldn't do that.
11:48Oh, good boy.
11:51Now roll over for some tummy tickles.
12:01I'll get some biscuits.
12:02I'll get some biscuits.
12:03I'll get some biscuits.
12:04I'll get some biscuits.
12:05I'll get some biscuits.
12:06I'll get some biscuits.
12:07I'll get some biscuits.
12:08I'll get some biscuits.
12:09I'll get some biscuits.
12:10I'll get some biscuits.
12:11I'll get some biscuits.
12:12I'll get some biscuits.
12:13I'll get some biscuits.
12:14I'll get some biscuits.
12:15I'll get some biscuits.
12:16I'll get some biscuits.
12:17I'll get some biscuits.
12:18I'll get some biscuits.
12:19I'll get some biscuits.
12:20I'll get some biscuits.
12:21I'll get some biscuits.
12:22I'll get some biscuits.
12:23Don't breathe, don't breathe, don't breathe.
12:53Breathe. Bingo. Right, you can breathe now.
13:00Oh, hello.
13:01Hello.
13:02I was just coming to say a prayer, and I heard voices.
13:05There you go, Robin, in the presence of Joan of Arc.
13:09Oh, don't let me put you off your work.
13:12Hello, Robin.
13:16That looks interesting. What are you doing?
13:19Adding an extra hinge pin.
13:21A little over-engineered, but belt and braces.
13:24You remind me of my father. He's an engineer.
13:28Who for? Meccano?
13:30I shouldn't really be telling you this. It's supposed to be a secret.
13:35He's the chief engineer on a new amphibious vehicle.
13:39Good godfathers. You don't mean the hovercraft.
13:42Yes. Have you heard about it?
13:44It's the transport of the future. Mark my words, by the year 1980, everyone will have their own personal hovercraft.
13:50You know how they work, don't you?
13:52Um...
13:52It's very simple.
13:54Imagine my hand is a lady's skirt.
13:56Can I get anyone else one?
14:01Double whiskey chaser, please, Frank.
14:03I thought you were right, Sophie knows Bert, but you're all right, you are.
14:06That's very nice of you to say, Peter.
14:08We're getting on like house on fire, you and me, aren't we?
14:12Can I have a pickled egg?
14:13Bob's your uncle. You've eliminated ground friction.
14:18The way you talk about the subject, you seem to have aroused a passion in me I never knew I had.
14:25Robin, take a picture of me and Valerie.
14:28It's not often you get to have a chin mag with the daughter of the chief engineer on the hovercraft project.
14:35I'm sure there's a lot more you could teach me.
14:39Ernest, why don't you come over to my hotel room tonight?
14:43I'm in the mood for some Lancashire hot pot.
14:46Does that sound tempting?
14:49It certainly does.
14:51Will your father be there?
14:52No, just the two of us.
14:55Oh, right. Well, I'm sure he's very busy.
14:57In any case, I've got something planned.
15:13Oh, dear.
15:43What a mess.
15:44Well, best get cracking.
15:46What's going on?
15:47Er, Mr. Burgoyne has very kindly offered to have his men carry out the repair work and fit a lintel.
15:54Ex gracia.
15:55I beg you, puddle.
15:56Ex gracia. Free of charge.
15:58A gesture of goodwill.
15:59I know what ex gracia means.
16:01I was talking about the lintel.
16:02I fitted a lintel.
16:03I always fit a lintel.
16:04We salvaged a dozen when we demolished the drill hall, didn't we, Robin?
16:07Well, nobody could find a lintel.
16:10Ernest, perhaps you've been taking on a bit more than you can handle lately.
16:13You need a rest.
16:15I'll go and wash my hands.
16:18Nice new car you've got there, councillor.
16:20One of those ex gracia cars, I expect.
16:23It's a frog-eyed Sprite.
16:25Suits you.
16:27Like Mr. Burgoyne's.
16:28Except for a smaller man.
16:39It's a fancy enough job.
16:40I'm sure every day I'll be cock-a-hoop or I'll wager tuppence eight and it's jam-solid.
16:44Ah, talk of the devil.
16:46I'll give it to you later.
16:47I'm just saying to Robin what an impressive job it is.
16:49Trouble is, it puts the main doors to shame.
16:51Unless they're doing those as well, are they?
16:53Yes, they are.
16:54That's very Christian of them.
16:56Yes, yes it is.
16:57That reminds me, you still wanted me to come to the vicarage tomorrow to do the hinges.
17:00They've done that as well.
17:02Apparently all it needed was a spot of grease.
17:04Yes, it's amazing how easily doors open when you grease the hinges.
17:08And, er, palms.
17:09Good morning, Reverend.
17:10Morning.
17:11Morning, Miss Mullinger.
17:12I know I can at least count on your presence tonight at my campaign meeting.
17:15I'm sorry, Mr Moss.
17:17I'm required at the town hall.
17:19I see.
17:21I'll just, er...
17:23Councillor Crabb is a bit short.
17:26Yes, I had noticed.
17:28I expect that's why he stands on people.
17:31Ernest Moss is a mass murderer who should be hanged by the neck until dead.
17:35That's what they would have said if there had been children on that bus.
17:38But they weren't.
17:39Then there's the church door.
17:40Barber's clock's gone haywire.
17:42It's quite clear Mr Moss has lost his marbles.
17:45And it's the people of Hottle that are slipping up on them, so to speak.
17:48There's no proof.
17:49It's obvious to anyone with half a brain.
17:52If I wasn't an officer of the law, I'd box your ears.
17:55Can I remind you I am elected leader of Hottle Council?
17:58Fiddlesticks.
17:59If rationing hadn't finished, you'd still be a spiv forging all them meat coupons.
18:03That were never proof.
18:04Exactly.
18:05Gentlemen, please.
18:06We have a lady present.
18:07Constable, I think what Councillor Crabb is trying to say is we want what's best for Ernest.
18:13Ernest, my men, inspected the bus and it appears that Ernest welded his way right through the brake pipe.
18:19Now, obviously we need to do something.
18:22I think the poor chap may be about to go over the edge.
18:25I have in my hand a spade.
18:28We don't call it a digging implement.
18:30We don't call it a handheld earth displacer.
18:33We don't even call it a shovel.
18:36That's a different kettle of fish altogether.
18:37There's a curvature to the blade and it's primarily designed for shifting as opposed to digging.
18:43Well, shoveling.
18:43Anyway, where am I?
18:44What time's the WI?
18:46Nine o'clock.
18:47But we've come all the way from Risby.
18:53Why is nobody here?
18:56Robin, something is rotten in the state of Ophel.
19:06Eccles cakes, those look homemade.
19:09Yes, they are.
19:10I think we'll be needing the film now.
19:16Oh, yes.
19:17There it is, safe as houses.
19:20Well, after you.
19:24Where do you think you're going?
19:26This film's not for you.
19:27Are you an investor?
19:29No.
19:30Precisely.
19:31And for your edification, Miss Mullinger.
19:37Homemade Eccles cakes are not the normal fare for top flight businessmen.
19:40These men are from London.
19:42Go and get a tin of chocolate fingers.
19:44Half a stout played, Brian.
20:10I'd better make it a pint and half a shandy for Robin.
20:15What's the matter?
20:15Somebody died?
20:17Not yet, but I'm sure you'll fix that.
20:20Or break it.
20:23What's he on about?
20:24People have been saying, of late, that your handiwork's not been...
20:31It's not its usual...
20:34Don't go round the houses, Brian.
20:35Give it to me straight.
20:37Well...
20:37It's slapdash.
20:40Slapdash?
20:41What do you mean, slapdash?
20:43Sloppy?
20:44Aye.
20:45Well, say it.
20:45Sloppy.
20:46Sloppy.
20:47Sloppy!
20:48And that's what you all think, is it?
20:51Neville.
20:52When I mended your rickety banister and I used oak instead of pine, was that sloppy?
20:57Norris.
20:58When I re-glazed your greenhouse and I used the latest plexiglass that won't shatter, was that sloppy?
21:04Brian.
21:05When I re-wired the lights in this pub and fitted ex-army rheostats to enable you to vary the brightness to the exact level you require,
21:11and then added thermostatically controlled electric fans so the rheostats won't overheat,
21:16What? Was that sloppy?
21:21I think you'd better go, Ernest.
21:24Right.
21:35If found guilty of criminal negligence, you could be jailed for two years.
21:39However, in recognition of past services you have given this community, can't read his writing, you know,
21:48all charges will be dropped.
21:50On the strict condition you leave the borough of Ockel immediately.
21:54What are you saying to me?
21:56If found guilty of criminal...
21:57You don't have to repeat it.
21:58I know what Crabb says.
21:59What do you say?
22:01On these matters, the Ockel Constabulary concurs with the official diktat of the council.
22:06Et tu, Ted?
22:07Officer Cromwell, under the circumstances.
22:11What have they given you?
22:12A shiny new police car?
22:14Oh, that was an unwarranted accusation to make to a member of Her Majesty's Constabulary.
22:19Least of all a friend.
22:20How long have we been friends, Ted?
22:2320 years, Ernest.
22:25Well, you'll know your way out, then.
22:31Come on, then.
22:31Let's see if this thing works.
22:33Say greased wheels.
22:40Greased wheels.
22:41Bye, heck, he's done it.
22:43Your first remote shutter switch.
22:45Who's a clever clogs?
22:46Come on, then.
22:47Let's pack his bags.
22:51What's this you're showing me?
22:53Robin, you might make an engineer, but you'll never make a photographer.
22:56Good God, Father!
22:57There's a lintel!
22:59There's a lintel!
23:00Look, I did fit a lintel over the church door.
23:02Do you realise, Robin, this is proof!
23:07Miss Mullinger?
23:08It's late.
23:09Good evening, Mr Moss.
23:09I brought you a little something.
23:14Eccles cakes?
23:26Who is it?
23:27It's Ernest!
23:31What?
23:32Have an Eccles cake.
23:50Morning, Councillor.
23:50Good morning.
24:01Morning, Jim.
24:04I'm pleased to say that support for the construction of Ottil Newtown has been all but unanimous.
24:10So all that's now needed for us to do the job is your signature on the little pieces of paper in front of you,
24:15unless anyone wants to ask me about pre-stressed concrete floors or galvanised stainless steel anchor pins.
24:23Councillor?
24:24What?
24:24I think someone wants to ask a question.
24:26I've got a question.
24:31Once you've all signed these little pieces of paper, what's to stop Mr Burgoyne?
24:36Havana, you say?
24:37Hmm.
24:38What's to stop Mr Burgoyne from abandoning his plans for Ottil Newtown and deciding instead to embark upon, let's say, the Ottil Leisure Resort project?
24:48You know, I prefer me pipe.
24:52Ha!
24:53I don't think we need to waste time listening to the ramblings of an ex-handy man.
24:57You're right.
24:58Let's listen to Mr Burgoyne instead.
25:01Florence, Ted, Robin.
25:02The Ottil Leisure Resort project, where the heart of the town will be transformed into an amusement theme park,
25:16with the local population relocated, leaving fun-seekers and day-trippers free to spend, spend, spend.
25:23No, stop the film.
25:24You're not supposed to see this.
25:26It's not how it looks.
25:27Wealthy Americans will flock in their thousands.
25:30You'll get free rides.
25:32I think you've already taken us for one.
25:35All right, Robin, stop the film.
25:36We've seen enough.
25:38It's not me.
25:39It's Burgoyne and that posthart you want.
25:42Where are they?
25:43Don't worry, Ted.
25:44They won't get far.
25:49Sorry about this.
25:54Please.
25:55He tried to kidnap me.
25:56You conniving, double-crossing bitch!
25:59There he is.
26:00I knew it was dodgy the first time I saw him.
26:02Never trusted him.
26:03Ernest, the lintel, the school bus, everything.
26:05It was Burgoyne.
26:06I tried to stop him.
26:08Miss Thorne, you haven't met my brother, have you?
26:10He's just up from London for the weekend.
26:12He's doing very well for himself.
26:13Go on, Harry.
26:14Tell her what you do.
26:15I'm the chief engineer on the Overcraft project.
26:17Come on now, miss.
26:18Oh, Mr. Burgoyne.
26:21Sorry, Frank.
26:22Something you might like to know about galvanised stainless steel anchor pins.
26:27They don't exist.
26:28I made it up.
26:29Do not, sir.
26:31My giddy aunt.
26:32Robin, pass us the socket spanner.
26:42No, a second, though.
26:42Let's give me the mould bits.
26:45Morning, Mr Moss.
26:46Morning, Robin.
26:47Morning.
26:48Miss Mullinger.
26:50Florence?
26:51Yes?
26:53Ernest?
26:54I'm off to the pictures tonight, and I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me.
27:00What are they showing?
27:01Day of the Outlaw with Bear Lives.
27:03Only there's a short on with it about the meccan of the Manchester Ship Canal.
27:06You know, I thought might be interesting.
27:08I don't like to be out late.
27:10We don't have to stop for the main feature if you don't want.
27:13All right.
27:13Put round about seven o'clock.
27:16Right.
27:17Check it to you, Bill.
27:18Just follow steps one, two, and three.
27:37What's for tea, Flory?
27:39Lancashire Rock Parts.
27:41What do you want for afters?
27:42I don't know.
27:44Robin, what do you want for afters?
27:46Eccles Cakes.
27:48Eccles Cakes.
27:48Eccles Cakes.
28:16Eccles Cakes.
28:18Eccles Cakes.
28:19Eccles Cakes.
28:20Eccles Cakes.
28:20Eccles Cakes.
28:21Eccles Cakes.
28:21Eccles Cakes.
28:21Eccles Cakes.
28:22Eccles Cakes.
28:23Eccles Cakes.
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