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00:00They Say
00:30That's the little cabbie where we used to go for our breakfast.
00:41That was our last year in our dinner, actually.
00:44Nice one of the ruins.
00:46I think that's the hotel.
00:49Oh!
00:51Your postcard, which I gave to Victor to post.
00:55Thanks.
01:00Arrived safe and sound, plane trip fine, apart from finding dead snake in the flight bag.
01:06I'll tell you all about that later.
01:09Oh, it's 39.
01:12Sorry?
01:1339, Wingate.
01:15It says here 30.
01:16Oh, that's just Victor's nines.
01:19I'm forever telling him.
01:22There you go.
01:23So, um, how is Victor then?
01:27Oh, you know, Jeannie's usual self.
01:30Oh, dear.
01:33As well as can be expected after undergoing an intimate body search by customs officers.
01:39What exactly happened again?
01:41Well, the man had just stopped him, how they do, and said, and how are we today, sir?
01:46To which Victor replied, I'm fine, apart from the crack in my bottom.
01:50You know how he suffers with that crack.
01:54Well, that was it.
01:55He was in there for two and a half hours while they looked for it.
02:00Drugs officers.
02:01Everyone.
02:01Well, you know, Jeannie, they're thorough once they get going.
02:07Yes.
02:08Margaret, there's something I've got that's...
02:11What is that?
02:12And all the luggage going...
02:13Margaret!
02:14It's been down to earth with a...
02:16Real thud.
02:18What is it?
02:20You've been all on edge ever since you turned up.
02:22Whatever's the matter?
02:25I think I'm going to buy you a large brandy.
02:31Good evening, Mrs. Warboys.
03:01How are you?
03:02You know what's happened?
03:03Those ruddy Greek baggage handlers, they're on the map here for a start.
03:07Mr. Meldrew, you have a nice time?
03:11Terrible.
03:12Two weeks of misery incarnate imprisoned in the most polluted city near us during the Greek coach driver strike.
03:20Victor, Jean has some bad news.
03:24Hmm?
03:26What's happened?
03:28You won't get hysterical.
03:30What is it?
03:32You won't start shouting or banging yourself on the head with that tin tray.
03:38Promise me.
03:39I won't.
03:40I won't shout.
03:41I won't get hysterical.
03:41Just tell me what's happened.
03:43Your house has been demolished.
03:54What happened was...
03:58First of all, it caught fire.
04:04Somehow, two days after you left, it was very badly gutted, but it was still standing.
04:12That was before the hurricane.
04:16Well, you see, by then, it was getting very, very hazardous with it collapsing on people in the street and so on.
04:29So they had no choice, but...
04:31So they had no choice, but...
04:33Oh, dear.
04:35I got you a tenant's pills and a lager.
04:44I thought you'd need it.
04:45No, it hasn't helped, I'm afraid.
05:01No, it hasn't helped.
05:31What do they think happened?
05:33Well, there's a theory about some children sticking a firework through the letterbox as a trick or treat.
05:39But, of course, they can't prove anything.
05:43It was Mrs. Allthorpe across the road who first smelt something burning.
05:48Well, did she do anything?
05:51Well, yes.
05:53She turned down the gas under her collarbone.
05:57Eventually, she did try to ring the fire brigade, but what was the arthritis in her fingers and everything?
06:04She got the wrong number and got through to a singing telegram agency.
06:10Mind you, to give them their due, they were around here very quickly.
06:14Who were?
06:17The three men in gorilla costumes.
06:23Three men in...
06:25Well, that was the answer to all our prayers, then.
06:29What did they do, swing backwards and forwards between the lampoads with buckets of water?
06:33This was my house.
06:39I'll go and get you some coats.
06:41You'll catch your deaths out here.
06:43I don't believe it.
06:54I don't...
06:55You see this?
06:56Look at this.
06:57The house has been raised to the ground and they're still delivering the bloody news for me most.
07:02Those three news people, they stick through the door.
07:04Look at this.
07:06This is tonight's edition.
07:08This has been delivered tonight.
07:10What are you looking for?
07:14Where is it?
07:15Your fortune in the stars.
07:18Virgo, you will come back today from your holiday to receive an extremely unpleasant rectal examination from three men in peaked caps.
07:26Your luggage will go missing in the other side of the world.
07:29Your house will be completely consumed by a hideous fireball.
07:34You will end up tonight freezing to death on a demolition site dressed as a Cisco kid.
07:40Absolutely uncanny.
07:43He's hit the nail right in the head and no mistake.
07:45I'll never call Russell Grant a vacuous lump of wheelblubber ever again.
07:52What's this?
07:54Look at this.
07:56A free sample of HP spicy sauces.
08:00You, for God's sake, keep that bloody row down.
08:04Have you got any consideration?
08:09What the hell's it got to do with you?
08:11I'm trying to get some bloody sleep and I'm not getting in with you down there.
08:16Yakking 19 to the dozen about rectal examinations and spicy sauces.
08:20Do you know what the time is?
08:22Time you stuck your head down a weightless disposal system.
08:26You're weak in the whole street.
08:28I have just returned home to find my entire house burned to the ground.
08:34Ah, don't I know it?
08:35I didn't get any bloody sleep that night, I don't know.
08:38I've got a barrenches and gold-nosed watch in the early hours.
08:41Oh, I'm sorry if you disturbed you.
08:44I'll ask you if they'd mind climbing up the ladders in the stocking feet next time.
08:48How about that?
08:49Put a silencer on the sirens.
08:51Miss, that is back again.
08:54Oh, misery, yeah.
08:55I told you it was too good to love.
08:57You have to make that bleep and rack it all night long.
09:00If I want to make a racket, I will.
09:03And if you don't like it, you can bloody well look for the pair of you.
09:06Oh, if we've had this mate, yeah, and you.
09:10Action only, we've been there, and you.
09:18Where are you going?
09:19I'm going upstairs to bed so I can waken up in the morning
09:24to find out that this is all a hideous dream.
09:26Oh, my God.
09:56is there any need for all this packaging with everything these days what did this have been
10:12at the taj mahal oh that was the food mixer i'll need that to send back when it goes wrong
10:19and um i couldn't get left locked with the others
10:22um victor will you answer the door
10:28ah it is you i thought it was mr meldrew isn't it fancy you turning up as a next door neighbor
10:43how are you settling in all right i'm sorry nick swaney i would bound for the elderly
10:48last year i called round and you told me to piss off
10:52yes i thought it was you this morning when i looked out the window and saw you kicking that
10:57kiddie's tricycle off the front lawn i said to mother oh dear he's trouble we better evacuate
11:02the street no i'm just joking with you sir oh right now how are you yeah just myself and mother
11:12whose housebound unfortunately but uh there we are you can't do anything about it can you and
11:17uh no to be honest it's nice to see this place occupied again after all this time
11:21hmm silly isn't it people being put off just because of what happened in that bathroom
11:25i mean what difference does it make what difference does it make what happened to old mr gittings up
11:30oh um well i don't think we want to dwell on all the gory details do we it's not a very nice subject for discussion is it really i mean razor blades and and all that anyway razor blades oh talking of bathrooms i wonder if i could be so bold as to ask you not to use your lavatory after 12 30 at night
11:45only it sets off a noise a bit like an air raid sower on our side it goes right through all the pipes in our loo for about five or ten minutes
11:50oh right and how long would you like me to hold my bladder till in the morning
11:54eight o'clock be all right you keep a couple of buckets on the bedside table
11:59it sets off a noise a bit like an air raid siren our side it goes right through all the pipes in
12:04our loo for about five or ten minutes oh right and how long would you like me to hold my bladder till
12:10in the morning eight o'clock be all right you keep a couple of buckets on the bedside table
12:16you are kind mr meldrew oh i nearly forgot what i called now this came through our door by mistake
12:20i think it's yours well be seeing it then mr meldrew and remember if there's anything you
12:25want i'm only six inches away how very comforting was that our new neighbor he might have called me
12:37dear mr beldrew thank you for your letter concerning your missing luggage and list of contents
12:43as yet we've been unable to trace these although we believe the enclose may belong to you assuring
12:50you of our utmost attention at all times
13:00it's your sock all right i recognize the darling
13:05this is it after six months curry me jean peninsula for our belongings one bloody sock
13:12i am going to the pub now i may be gone some time
13:32uh
13:45uh
13:52uh
13:53Morning, Mr. Vildred.
14:14Lovely weather, I must say.
14:18What's the idea of this?
14:19It makes it a bit easier, doesn't it?
14:21Yeah, save all that trooping round the front all the time.
14:24Used to help me keep an eye on old Mr. Giddings.
14:26Make sure he was all right.
14:28Up to this rather horrific death anyway.
14:30Mother asked me to give you some cuttings from her wandering Jew.
14:34Now, they're like a bright position, but try and avoid the direct sunlight.
14:39Thank you, that's very thoughtful of her.
14:41She's up there now, you can give her a wave.
14:46I can't see her.
14:48There she is, look.
14:51He says it's very nice of you, Mother.
14:55Anyway, I better, Dad.
14:56I expect you to find somewhere for them, won't you?
14:58Oh, what's about the bathroom?
15:00It's a thought, isn't it?
15:01Yes, thank you.
15:04Bathroom?
15:04What about the bathroom?
15:05Why do you keep going on about the bathroom?
15:11Right.
15:12It's all free now if you want to go in.
15:13Yes, I don't think I'll bother tonight.
15:21I've just run the water for you.
15:24No, I'll leave it in the morning now, I think.
15:28Right.
15:29How long has this got to go on for?
15:32What?
15:32What?
15:33You.
15:34Too terrified to set foot inside your own shower.
15:38I don't wonder people have committed suicide in this house.
15:41Well, we don't know, do we?
15:42We don't know what happened to Mr. Gittings.
15:44We want to get his word for it.
15:46Three times he was round here this afternoon
15:48asking if we're all right for slug pellets.
15:52He's got a very sinister dimple.
15:56What about that housebound mother of Heddy keeps talking about?
15:59I notice you'll never actually see her.
16:01No, I expect that's because he's had her stuffed
16:03and locked up in the cellar.
16:06I told you this would happen, didn't I?
16:09You stayed up to watch that Alfred Hitchcock film.
16:12I suddenly put all sorts of stupid ideas into your head.
16:15And I wish you'd be told.
16:17He's a perfectly pleasant, nice young lover.
16:24Oh, 291.
16:27Oh!
16:28Hello, Mr. Sweeney.
16:31Um, yes.
16:33We did flush it a short while ago, I'm afraid.
16:37Um, did you...?
16:41Oh, dear.
16:42Is it...?
16:43No, funnily enough, there's no noise at all, our side.
16:51Um, yes.
16:53Yes.
16:53Well, we'll try not to in future.
16:56And I'm sorry to have disturbed you.
16:59Night-night.
17:02I'll ring a water company in the morning.
17:03See if they can sort it out.
17:05I suppose four loaves are all right for tomorrow, for sandwiches.
17:18It's only 20 people.
17:20It should be enough.
17:23Oh, by the way, your cousin Ivor rang, said he would try and get along.
17:27Perhaps he'll bring one of his musical instruments.
17:29Oh, goody.
17:33Like he did at Auntie Vi's funeral when he tried to play Abide With Me and get that miniature harmonica stuck in his throat.
17:40Ended up reciting the 23rd Psalm like Sparky's magic piano.
17:46Oh, cheer up.
17:48It'll be fun having a housewarming party, you'll see.
17:51It'll be a real chance to enjoy ourselves.
17:58Oh, this is spitting fun, isn't it?
18:03Half past nine.
18:05Where are you going?
18:06Well, I thought I might just mingle, you know.
18:11Circulate among some of the Pilchard sandwiches.
18:14You definitely put 7.30 on the invitations because I checked before I posted them.
18:18Eight tins of Pilchards.
18:20Well, that was money well spent, wasn't it?
18:24They can't all be this late, surely.
18:28Well, the Pilchards arrived in town.
18:29They arrived in their groves.
18:31They didn't get here quick enough.
18:35Perhaps there's a traffic jam or something.
18:38It's not even if either of us likes Pilchards.
18:41Oh, will you give up about the bloody Pilchards?
18:44I'll go out tomorrow and buy a cat.
18:45It's not my fault if everybody fails to...
18:52It's not my fault if everybody fails to...
18:54Where did we put that Christian aid envelope?
19:10Here it is.
19:14Hold on, I'll see if I can squeeze five nobes and two putters into it.
19:19Your cousin, Roger, is he still driving that rust-coloured Citroen 2CV?
19:40Driving it?
19:41He'll probably be buried in it.
19:43Why?
19:44It's parked outside a house down the road.
19:47What?
19:48Just down on the corner.
19:50Just down on the corner.
20:03Stay here.
20:20Victor!
20:21How's it going?
20:22Haven't seen you all evening.
20:23I must say you've done a great job in such a short space of time.
20:27I'm just saying to Pam, wasn't I?
20:28You've turned it into a real home.
20:29It's a real credit to you.
20:30What's going on?
20:31There you are.
20:32I really love what Margaret's done with the curtains in here.
20:33It's a real change of style for both of you, isn't it?
20:34When you used to always go in for those rather drab greys and browns.
20:35It really freshenes the place up.
20:36Where is it?
20:37It's a real change of style for both of you, isn't it?
20:38When you used to always go in for those rather drab greys and browns.
20:39Really freshenes the place up.
20:40Where is she, by the way?
20:41I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet.
20:42What are you doing?
20:43What are you all doing in this house?
20:44This isn't my house.
20:45This isn't my house.
20:46This isn't my house.
20:47This isn't my house.
20:48This isn't my house.
20:49This isn't my house.
20:50You've turned it into a real home.
20:51You've turned it into a real home.
20:52It's a real credit to you.
20:53What's going on?
20:54There you are.
20:55I really love what Margaret's done with the curtains in here.
20:56It's a real change of style for both of you, isn't it?
20:57When you used to always go in for those rather drab greys and browns.
21:00Really freshenes the place up.
21:01Where is she, by the way?
21:02I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet.
21:04What are you doing?
21:05What are you all doing in this house?
21:07This isn't my house.
21:08This is somebody else's house.
21:10Whose house is this, huh?
21:12Excuse me.
21:13Excuse me.
21:14Excuse me.
21:15Is this your house?
21:17Yes.
21:18This isn't my party.
21:21These are my guests.
21:23Come for my housewarming party.
21:25They all brought their drinks round here and presents for me.
21:28I thought they were from the social services.
21:31Hello, hello everyone.
21:34Attention, please.
21:36Excuse me.
21:41Could I have your attention, please?
21:43There's obviously been some sort of mistake here, everyone.
21:46Mistake?
21:47What do you mean?
21:48Well, you see, I don't live in this house.
21:50What did you buy it for, then?
21:52I ate and put a house round the corner.
21:56Why are you having a party in this one?
21:57What?
21:58Why are you holding a housewarming party in somebody else's housewarming?
22:00I expect he didn't want to mess up his own carpet, eh?
22:03No, it's perfectly obvious.
22:04You've all misread the invitation somehow or other.
22:06No, no.
22:07This is number ten, Riverbank, isn't it?
22:08That's what it says.
22:09What are you talking about?
22:10That's nineteen.
22:11That's never a nine in a number seven.
22:12That's a nine?
22:13No, nobody does their nines like that.
22:14Would you say that was a nine?
22:15No.
22:16That's a nine?
22:17No.
22:18That's a nine?
22:19That's a nought.
22:20Yeah.
22:21That's definitely not a nine.
22:22Well, he's always had trouble with his nines.
22:23They come out like whirlpools.
22:24His H's are much better.
22:25Look more like M's.
22:26Yeah.
22:27Yeah.
22:28I thought it said mousewarming party.
22:29Mousewarming?
22:30Well, that's quite clearly a letter H.
22:31Anyway, look.
22:32No, no, no, no, no, no.
22:33It doesn't matter what it looks like.
22:34Can we just please leave this gentleman's house and come over to the party at my house?
22:38Please.
22:39Before the earth is a suck.
22:40It's a suck.
22:41I was enjoying that.
22:45It doesn't matter what it looks like.
22:46Can we just please leave this gentleman's house and come over to the party at my house?
22:51Please.
22:52Before the earth is a suck.
22:53It's a suck.
23:04I was enjoying that.
23:15What a no.
23:16It's not too late, ain't it?
23:17It's not too late.
23:18We're going to go see her after drinks.
23:21OK.
23:22Hiya.
23:23No, get over there.
23:24Roger.
23:25Sorry about this.
23:27Ivy, how are you?
23:28This goes through.
23:29Go to see her after drinks.
23:33Hello, Mr Mildrew.
23:34What are you doing?
23:36Well, I was just seeing if I could fix the noise in the...
23:40No, no, no, not tonight.
23:41Well, I was just seeing if I could fix the noise in the...
23:44Oh, no, no, no, not tonight. We're trying to have a party.
23:47Would you like a drink or something at all?
23:48Well, I was hoping to have an early night. You see, I've got to be up at six.
23:51Oh, have you really? Well, never mind. Another time, perhaps.
23:54Thanks very much for popping round.
23:56We'll see you again soon, I hope. Good night to you and sweet dreams.
24:01Victor!
24:02Do you know what was good?
24:03They were only having our housewarming party down in number ten.
24:07Can you believe that?
24:08Victor, what have you just done?
24:11I'm sorry. I wasn't in the mood for him tonight, not on top of everything else.
24:16This is his house.
24:23You have just thrown Mr. Sweeney out of his own house, Victor.
24:37What are you doing here?
24:39He called me round to help put his mother to bed.
24:42She just had one of her nasty turns.
24:44And he was...
24:44I...
24:45You...
24:46Oh, I just don't believe you sometimes.
24:51Look, didn't you even look?
24:52Excuse me. Hello. Hello, everyone.
25:09Could I have your attention?
25:14Could I have your attention, my please?
25:15Look, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come with me again.
25:20I'm sorry about this.
25:21You're not serious.
25:23Whatever for?
25:24Well, this isn't my house.
25:27What?
25:28No, this isn't my house either, I'm afraid.
25:30I thought it was, but it isn't.
25:32So, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come with me.
25:34Yeah, I'm sorry.
25:35I know, I know, I know, but it's not my fault.
25:38They all look the same, you see.
25:40So, if you just let her come with me, please.
25:41Come along.
25:42That's it.
25:43This is war, boys.
25:44Come along.
25:47And it's so nice to see you all settled again
25:50after all your trials and tribulations.
25:53Yes, it was fun.
25:54Now, keep in touch.
25:55Now, I think you'll call.
25:56Yes, yes.
25:57Oh, yes.
25:57That wasn't so bad in the end, was it?
26:11I'll leave this lot till tomorrow.
26:13Don't know about you, but I'm whacked.
26:16Victor?
26:24Victor?
26:27Victor?
26:30Victor?
26:30Victor?
26:57Victor?
27:1425 years it took to grow that apple tree I planted it in the spring of 1965 feeding it
27:37spraying it mulching the soil watering it through the droughts giving it an annual dressing of potash
27:45and nitrogen every January not one sodding apple
27:53come on let's go plant another one
28:07they say I might as well face the truth but I am just too long in the tooth I started to deteriorate
28:29and now I've passed my own sell by date oh I am no spring chicken it's true I have to pop my teeth into chew
28:40and my old knees have started to knock I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:47so I'm a wrinkly crinkly set in my ways it's true that my body has seen better days
28:55but give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:58one foot in the grave
29:01one foot in the grave
29:04one foot in the grave
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