- 18 hours ago
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00:00Stick a pony in me pocket
00:30Why do only fours and horses work
00:33La la la la la la la la la la la
00:38That Sidney Potter's a good actor, isn't he, Rodney?
00:48He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.
00:52Yeah, knock it out, granddad.
00:55Sidney Potter?
00:56Yeah, you know him.
00:58He always plays the black fella.
01:02Sidney Poitier.
01:04Sidney Potter.
01:05It's Poitier.
01:07It's Potter.
01:08It's bloody Poitier, I'm telling you.
01:10And I'm telling you, it's bloody Potter.
01:13You two had it again, are you?
01:14Del, how do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly?
01:17Sidney Poitier or Sidney Potter?
01:19Personally, I pronounce it Harry Belafonte,
01:21but you two, please, yourself.
01:23You daft old sod, it was Harry Belafonte all along.
01:27Well, I wonder why Sidney Potter kept bursting into song.
01:31I don't like Harry Belafonte.
01:35Sidney Poitier, Sidney Poitier, what an enigma.
01:38I get better looking every day.
01:40Can't wait for tomorrow.
01:42Oh, do you know, I think I'm suffering from something incurable.
01:46Still, never mind, eh?
01:50Right, come on, Rodney, shake a leg.
01:52We've got a meeting at 12.
01:53What are you doing now?
01:54Our accounts.
01:56You're keeping accounts now.
01:59Well, there you are, Grandad.
02:01A lot of people told me I was the right dipstick
02:03to make my brother a partner in the business.
02:06But this only goes to prove how bloody right they were.
02:09You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
02:12This is primate bestie evidence, isn't it, eh?
02:14The taxman gets hold of that, it puts us away for three years.
02:16Don't worry, if a taxman comes, I'll eat it.
02:19It's the only way I can keep a cheque on you, Del.
02:21I'm sure you're cheating me in some way, I just can't figure out how.
02:24Cheating you?
02:26Cheating?
02:26You...
02:27What's that rumbling noise?
02:29I didn't hear nothing.
02:30No, it's all right, it's Mum turning in her grave.
02:32Oh, mate, stop that again, Del.
02:34It's obvious you're stitching me up.
02:37Look at you, you have three or four changes of clothes a day.
02:40Me, I've got one suit that come from an almost new shop.
02:42It's embarrassing sometimes.
02:45Oh, I embarrass you, do I?
02:47You've got room to talk.
02:49You have been nothing but an embarrassment to me
02:51from the moment you was born.
02:53You couldn't be like any other little brother, could you, eh,
02:55and come along a couple of years later after me.
02:57Oh, no, no, not you.
02:58You had to wait 13 years.
03:00So while all the other mods were having punch-ups down at Southend
03:04and going to the Who concerts,
03:06I was at home babysitting.
03:08I could never get your oyster milk stains out of me Ben Shermans.
03:13I used to find rusks in me hush puppies.
03:17You know, I couldn't help when I was born.
03:19Oh, there you go.
03:20There you are, you see.
03:20It's any excuse with you, isn't it, eh?
03:22What do you think about poor old Mum, then, eh?
03:24Do you know that she was 39 when she fell for you, eh?
03:28For the first three months of her pregnancy,
03:30you were treated as an ulcer.
03:31But to this day,
03:34I sometimes think the original diagnosis was correct.
03:39Jock.
03:40Hey, come on.
03:42What sort of bloke do you think I am, eh?
03:44Cheat me own brother?
03:46Come on, Rodney.
03:47I told you before, haven't I, eh?
03:48It's everything between you and I split straight down the middle.
03:5160-40.
03:52Right?
03:54Yeah.
03:55Well, explain this to me, then, Bill.
03:57How do we manage to pay for the light, gas and rent in this place, eh?
04:00I mean, take last week.
04:01We went to the auction, right?
04:02We bought a grossly disposable light as a space invaders game,
04:06two facial saunas, five water-damaged sleeping bags
04:09and a moonroof for a Peugeot, right?
04:11Then we swapped the lot for a vanload of one-legged turkeys.
04:14They was not one-legged turkeys.
04:16They was damaged turkeys.
04:17How many legs did they have, Bill?
04:19I'm in no mood for trick questions.
04:22Anyway, you ain't put down a VAT.
04:24We don't pay VAT.
04:25I know, but we collect it, though, don't we, eh?
04:27All right, Rodney, all right.
04:29Look, so we don't pay VAT.
04:31We don't pay income tax or national insurance.
04:34On the other hand, we don't claim dull money,
04:37social security, supplementary benefit, do we, eh?
04:41Right?
04:41The government don't give us nothing,
04:43so we don't give the government nothing.
04:46What's complaining about?
04:47Look, I'm 23.
04:48I'd like to think I had some sort of a career.
04:51You're self-unemployed.
04:52That's a career, ain't it?
04:53Selling Yankees from a suitcase in Oxford Street.
04:57I want something better than that, Del.
04:58All right.
04:59All right.
05:00In future, you can do Regent Street.
05:02Come on.
05:04Cheers.
05:07And it's Poitier.
05:08What, uh?
05:09It's Poitier!
05:10Hello, Del.
05:16Hello, darling.
05:16How are you?
05:17All right?
05:17Fine.
05:17Good.
05:22Do you realise we've always had something missing in our lives?
05:25First we was motherless, then we was fatherless.
05:27Now we're flogging one-legged turkeys from a three-wheel band.
05:31Little acorns.
05:32Well, you got one of them missing as well, Del?
05:33No.
05:34Marks and Spencer started off with a barra.
05:36At least they had four wheels.
05:37What's going on about that van, will you?
05:39Morning, Del boy.
05:40Bonjour, Joycey.
05:41Two half-pints of your finest low-carbohydrate beer.
05:45Thank you, John.
05:45You want it in glasses?
05:46Yes, please.
05:47Otherwise, it dribbles through your fingers.
05:50I mean, you want it in glasses or jugs?
05:53As long as it is served by your fair hands, Joycey,
05:55we'd drink it out of a pair of Yvon Goulagon's old tennis boots.
06:01Look at that.
06:02Charmed like laser beams, eh, Rodney?
06:04Knock some bandy.
06:06Yeah.
06:06It's your ready-wit and three-wheeled van that blows their minds.
06:09Yeah.
06:10I suppose I am full of the old bel esprit, really, aren't I?
06:13Actually, I quite like old Joycey.
06:15I mean, fair play.
06:15She's a bit of an old dog, but...
06:17I'm there again, you know.
06:18I quite like old dogs.
06:20I mean, you know where you are with them, don't you, eh?
06:22They never ask you if you still respect them in the morning.
06:25And always lend you a knicker for petrol, you know.
06:27I like this life, though, don't you, Rodders, eh?
06:31Ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing, you know.
06:33It's exciting, isn't it?
06:34Unpredictable.
06:36You know, in this game, you can go out in the morning with 50 pence in your pocket...
06:40And come home at night's skin.
06:41Exactly, yeah.
06:41I'm thinking of getting a job, Del.
06:47Eh?
06:47What chance have you got of getting a job?
06:50Do leave it out.
06:52Have you heard that?
06:53You heard that, Joycey?
06:54He's only thinking of getting a job, hasn't he?
06:56Job, eh?
06:57I've got GCEs.
06:59I took that year's course at the Art College in Basingstoke.
07:02Yes, I know.
07:03You took a year's course, but you got expelled after three weeks, didn't you, eh?
07:06The Board of Governors were doing their annual inspection
07:09and found you camped in your little room
07:10with the biggest reefer this side of Marrakesh
07:12zonked out on your bed with some Chinese tar.
07:15She was not Chinese tar.
07:16Well, Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same to me.
07:19Anyway, all right, all right, suppose you go for a job
07:21and you go for the interview, eh?
07:22What are you going to say to the manager?
07:23You're going to say, oh, yes, sir, I've got qualifications and experience, sir, yeah.
07:26I've got two GCEs, an 18-month suspended sentence,
07:29and I know a good joint when I puff one.
07:34No, no, your feet won't touch, brav.
07:36No.
07:38No, I'm afraid not, Rodney.
07:39At the ripe old age of 23, you are a social leper.
07:44Society has placed you in the darkest corner of its deepest cellar
07:47to grow moss.
07:50I'll be forgotten about.
07:51Still, never mind, eh?
07:56The evil of France, as they say in Rome.
07:58No need to get depressed.
08:00Oh, no, you're depressed?
08:01No, of course not, Del.
08:02I'm on top of the world.
08:03I feel like a born-again eunuch.
08:07Do you think I'll apply for a mail-order course with exit?
08:09That's a good idea, Rodney.
08:12Never say die.
08:15How are you?
08:16Oh, there he is.
08:17Oi, Trigger.
08:18Yeah.
08:19You know my brother, don't you, eh?
08:20Yeah, of course I do.
08:21How you going, Dave?
08:22Sorry I'm late, Del boy.
08:23I had to pop round me sisters to arrange an alibi for next Thursday.
08:27Joy, C.
08:28Del.
08:28Del.
08:30What?
08:30Why do they call him Trigger?
08:32Does he carry a gun?
08:33No, it's because he looks like a horse.
08:37Listen, me and the Trigger have got some business to discuss, like that, I mean.
08:42Okay, so you get the drinks, meet us back here over by the table, all right?
08:45Oh, I are, sir.
08:46Anything you say, sir.
08:47For my daughter, sir.
08:53No, no, very clever kid, you know, my brother.
08:56Yeah.
08:56He's got two GCEs.
08:57One in maths, one in art.
08:59Oh.
08:59You want to see him when he writes a letter?
09:00Some of the words he uses.
09:02What, long ones?
09:03Well, they're like that, you know, some of them.
09:05Anyway, what are you selling?
09:07This.
09:08I've got 25 of them all told.
09:10The others are in the car.
09:11I thought I won't wrap it up.
09:12Parcels attract attention these days.
09:14Best to carry it openly.
09:15Then it don't look conspicuous.
09:20Oh, yeah.
09:20Yeah, that's good thinking, that, Trek.
09:22Yeah, really good thinking.
09:23Goes so well with your slingback Wellington boots and your off-the-shoulder bonker jet.
09:26You look like an executive hod carrier.
09:31Oi, Rodgers, what do you think of this?
09:34Infradig in it, eh?
09:35It's plastics.
09:38Plastics.
09:38Old English vinyl.
09:43Combination locks.
09:45Yeah, dinky little handle, I don't know.
09:47Might be able to push some of them around the old squash clubs, eh?
09:50Shouldn't have anything to do with them, Del.
09:51Police must probably be looking for them right now.
09:55Tell us the truth.
09:56How the police will give her these things, Trek?
09:57No, they're not, Del.
09:59And that's the truth.
10:00Why are you hiding it under the table, then?
10:02Well, because you never know when they're going to start looking for them, do you?
10:04Leave them there, leave them there.
10:07Oi, shh, shh, thump, right?
10:08Oi, we're partners, at least respect my opinion.
10:11All right, all right, Rodney, I'll respect your opinion.
10:14How much?
10:15To you, Del boy, 17 pounds each.
10:20You know what happened to the real trigger, don't you?
10:23Roy Rogers had him stuffed.
10:24All right, then, 14.
10:2814, leave it out.
10:315.
10:3212.
10:336.
10:3410.
10:359.
10:368.
10:37Done.
10:39That's the way to do business, Dave.
10:41All right, okay, Trek, let's look that up.
10:43That's 8 times 25 equals 175, okay?
10:48200.
10:49What?
10:49No, no, Rodney, no, no, no.
10:50The calculator says 175, all right?
10:52Yeah, but he's got GCEs in maths and art.
10:55So what does that prove?
10:56He can paint by numbers?
10:59No, intrig, I mean, this is a calculator, innit?
11:01You know what I mean?
11:02Look, a calculator says 175, you can't argue with a calculator, can you?
11:05Give it in, that.
11:07Rodney.
11:0825 times 8 equals 200, see?
11:12oh yeah look at that i must have got my finger stuck on a button here
11:18hearing his fingers do yeah yeah you want to look after them rodney they break very easily
11:24you've got to see him to believe him spears yeah hey i don't know hang on a minute
11:36oh granddad where were they made don't say there's some chinese writing on them though
11:43no no no don't actually give the maker's name spears but then again the best ones never do
11:48do they you know what i mean yeah how's it going that's about the 15th briefcase he's sold phone
11:54call he's made yeah yeah well i'll get him while the going's good if i were you spears i've only
11:59got 25 legs hey this is a cheeseburger i asked for an emperor burger i couldn't afford an emperor
12:07burger he got me a cheeseburger what i asked him for an emperor burger and he brings me back a
12:14cheeseburger hang on hang on a minute spears will you just hang on look here what's he on about now
12:19he asked me to get him an emperor burger but i couldn't afford it so i got him a cheeseburger
12:22bloody emperor burgers and cheeseburgers i'm trying to do a deal here now shut up will you
12:27no no not you spears no no me young mate no all right now how many of these briefcases can i put
12:33you down for hey huh none right thanks great yeah all right i'll see you around i told you the best
12:41thing to do with them cases didn't i chuck them in the river chuck them in the river chuck them in
12:45the river that's our profit you're talking about what do you think this is a nationalized industry
12:49he knows i hate cheese will you stop going on about that rotten cheeseburger will you ah
12:56dougie saddler he owns the stationers in the high street he's our boy rodders
13:01i don't know why he bothers he's a trier isn't he your dad always said that one day del boy had
13:07reached the top there again he used to say that one day millwall would win the cup
13:12hello dougie del boy how's your up pal good family super dougie lot i'm phoning about some briefcases
13:23yeah go on what a choker 25 of them nicked from his shop last week
13:33no no no no i'm not trying to sell any no no no no no i wanted to buy some you see yeah i got this
13:40contact in the um stock exchange yeah um by the way dougie old pal i mean uh what were you selling
13:48them for what do you mean they were rejects oh beautiful we bought a consignment of rejects
13:54what was wrong with them nick oh yeah i see yeah yeah i mean it'd be daft enough to nick them eh
14:01i mean it'd be stupid i'd have to buy them
14:05i know
14:06i'll pop down and see you next week when you've got some more in okay
14:13yeah bye bye doug see you around
14:14all right so what's wrong with them open one what's the combination no sod nose that's why
14:27they're rejects
14:28they're not going to get a paper with them giving you the combination yes there is it's inside the
14:36briefcase isn't it it's a pop-up at the factory nice going del boy you have bought 25 executive
14:44briefcases that can only be opened by professional safe crackers this makes the one-legged turkey
14:49deal look shrewd don't it all right all right rodney that's the way i'm made in it eh you know
14:54crash in and to hell with the consequences he who dares wins i had a french overworked for people
15:00like me yeah the english had got a couple of goodens and i told you all along not to touch him
15:06didn't i yeah all right all right okay it's nothing to do with you is it but we're partners
15:10isn't we oh oh i see the truth's coming out now well come on del let's have it out in the open then
15:19how do you see our respective roles in this partnership i see it as a combination of my
15:25business acumen contacts and money and your ability to drive a freewheel van badly well did
15:31you see yourself in a different role well yes i did with my qualifications i saw myself in the
15:37capacity of a financial advisor a financial advisor bonjour trieste you are beautiful you are rodney
15:46today i just about clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for 175 pounds when my financial
15:54advisor stuck his nose in and advised me to pay 200 pounds right and having paid the 200 pounds
16:02my financial advisor then advised me to chuck the bleeding lot in the river now with financial
16:08advisors like that who needs a bleeding recession what kind of a financial advisor goes out to buy an
16:15emperor burger and comes back with a cheeseburger will you stop going on about that ruddy cheeseburger
16:22if i could eat it it's against the law to force feed a senior citizen with a cheeseburger and you
16:29know he hates them but what did you buy it for him for it's all i could afford you make my life a
16:34misery you do here boy just a moment what was that last remark about me making your life a misery
16:40yeah well you do deal with your overbearing overprotective manner
16:47let me remind you rodney that you were a six-year-old little nipper when
17:10god smiled on mum and made her die two months after that dad packed his bags and left us to fend
17:16for ourselves it was me that kept us together nothing to do with granddad was an out-of-work
17:24lamplighter waiting for gas to make a comeback
17:30i grafted 19 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table all right it wasn't always double legal but
17:37you ate the finest food that was going all you ever give me was tv dinners and convenience foods
17:43if it wasn't frozen or dehydrated we didn't eat it if you'd have been in charge of a last supper it
17:47would have been a takeaway
17:49well anything was better than the salmonella and chips that granddad used to knock
18:04look don't get me wrong i'm i'm grateful i don't want your gratitude ungrateful little git
18:10i don't know what is the matter with you rodney sometimes i hesitate to tell people that you're
18:18my brother well i always say i'm your social worker do you mind telling me exactly what it is that's
18:24made your life a misery well you've always treated me like a child didn't you i was the only sex
18:30former in my grammar school who wore short trousers yeah well i got them cheap didn't i i was 15 del i
18:38was growing hairs and things my legs were like italian footballers and you never let me do anything on my
18:45own do you you even had to hurt me with my gce studies you passed in two subjects i failed in the
18:51other eight del i mean you embarrass me that's why i never bring women home oh you know some women do
18:58you cool that's a turn up for the book the only bird i've ever heard you mention was old shangai
19:03lil from the art college in basing stone even then you had to drug her before you get your leg over
19:09no i didn't what you didn't drug her or didn't get your leg over you're suffocating me del i'm
19:16getting out of this house i'm going to prove to you i can survive on my own i'm going to the pub
19:23what to prove you can survive on your own no to get legless i don't need you no more del
19:28i don't need you for nothing del um i was just i was just um wondering
19:59i think he's very much like you granddad what dignified in defeat no a ponce
20:09no no i'm sure these can't be the ones they're looking for
20:12no no i wouldn't do that to a mate now would i hey no don't you say nothing to him you wally
20:19i mean you can't trust the old bill can you look at that time when they planted six gas cookers in my
20:23bedroom yeah all right don't worry okay i'll see you around
20:32rodney where was you first thing this morning i was out trying to sell these things when i did
20:38you call rodney no i thought i'd let him lie in and sleep his hangover off is he still in bed no
20:45he's gone gone packed his rucksack and had it away on his toes
20:50what do you mean gone where's he gone on kong on kong we mean on kong on kong it's in china i know
21:00where on kong is what i want to know is what's what they doing there said he was going to hitch
21:04out there to see that bird from the art college oh shanghai a little but she's in bazingstoke so
21:09what's mastermind doing on the road to hong kong no that's where she is now she got deported after
21:15the drugs trial here just a minute what did you do say or cook for him that was so awful it forced him
21:22to leave it weren't me it was that row last night he's going to prove his self prove his self
21:30no just one of rodney's little games that's all he'd never reach hong kong he has trouble finding
21:38clapham he seemed very determined oh didn't you do anything well yeah i made him some sandwiches
21:48and he took them blimey this is worse than i thought no wait a minute he ain't got no money he took
21:56his post office book with him can't you go and search for him he's been gone about seven hours
22:03the farthest he could have got is france that's all right we got him cornered then ain't we eh
22:09bring up interpol interpol interpol i'll get more joy out of interflora but he might be in danger
22:16you can explain to him what rodney's like i'm sorry i don't know the french for pranny
22:21hong kong i mean hong kong why didn't he tell me where he was going he could have taken these bleeding
22:31things back would he
22:48so
25:48You think you're overdoing the prodigal's return a bit?
25:50You've only been gone six days.
25:52Well, it might seem like six days to you, Del, but to me it seemed more like a week.
25:57I take it you didn't reach Hong Kong.
26:00How far did you get?
26:02South of France.
26:03Saint Tropez.
26:04Saint Tropez.
26:05Very Maldemar.
26:06Dardlin.
26:07Five in the shade.
26:09What are birds like?
26:10Oh, uh, mostly French.
26:13Oh, yeah.
26:14I met one English girl there.
26:16Yeah.
26:17Veronica.
26:18Her father's a millionaire tax-exile.
26:20Tax-exile, is he?
26:23Well, you got a boat, Eddie, you know, parked out in a bay?
26:27Oh, a yacht anchored offshore, yeah.
26:29Yeah.
26:30They invited me over for dinner one night.
26:32Didn't go, though.
26:33Still had some of Granddad's sandwiches left, did you?
26:36No.
26:37No, that night I packed my bags and headed home.
26:41I was homesick, see.
26:43I've...
26:44I missed that.
26:45Pfft.
26:46Must be joking.
26:47The only people who ever missed that was the ruddy Luftwaffe.
26:51It may not be much to you, Del, but to me it's got a raw and savage beauty, that.
26:56I've got artist's eyes, Del.
26:57Yes, you've got pianist's fingers, Italian footballer's legs.
27:00Never thought of applying for a disability allowance.
27:04I know you'll never understand what I mean, Del.
27:07But you've got to suffer paradise before you can realise what you left behind.
27:12Your own.
27:13Your family.
27:14Your passport.
27:15You knew, didn't you?
27:16You let me go for all that and all the time you knew.
27:18Where'd you find it?
27:19Top of your wardrobe.
27:20We were expecting a visit from the local gendarmes and I thought I'd better check out,
27:22just in case you'd left any of that exotic tobacco lying about.
27:24No.
27:25I knew it was just a moody, Rodney.
27:26I told Granddad it was just one of Rodney's little games.
27:27It must be wonderful to be you, Del, to always be right.
27:30I know.
27:31It gets a bit embarrassing at times.
27:32I'll tell you another thing, shall I, Rodney?
27:33You said that I would never ever get rid of them briefcases.
27:35And you did, didn't you, Del?
27:36Yes, I did.
27:37Chucked the bleeding lot in the river.
27:38No.
27:39No.
27:40No.
27:41No.
27:42No.
27:43No.
27:44No.
27:45No.
27:46No.
27:47No.
27:48No.
27:49No.
27:50No.
27:51No.
27:52No.
27:53No.
27:54No.
27:55No.
27:56No.
27:57No.
27:58No.
27:59No.
28:00Don't you throw them all in the river?
28:01Yep.
28:02Every last one of them.
28:04They floated.
28:05That was a bit unforeseen.
28:07Probably round in Tilbury about now.
28:12200 quid down a Swanee, eh?
28:15Well, in this case, the Thames.
28:17Hmm.
28:18Saint-Tropez.
28:19How far did you really get?
28:23Shamkrillard, Dosselstunk, Newington.
28:25Shared a room with some cholera cultures.
28:29Oh.
28:30You're losing.
28:42Well, what'd you fancy?
28:44Should we go down a pub and act stupid,
28:46or should we sail across to Veronica's dad's yacht for tiffing?
28:51No. Best not go to the yacht.
28:54Might bump into those bloody briefcases halfway, eh?