- 17 hours ago
Entertainment
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:05I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one what's driving me berserk
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
00:38So we have a deal then, Mr Chin?
00:43Yes, we have a deal.
00:45Good.
00:46Do you take a Barclay card?
00:49Do you?
00:51Now call me old-fashioned or sentimental if you like
00:54But I'm a strictly readies man myself
00:55You know, cash in the hand, that's my motto
00:57Anyway, we'll see you first thing in the morning, right?
01:01About eleven o'clock
01:01Can't you do it today?
01:03Hey, oh no, no, no, no, no
01:05Sorry, I can't do it today, Mr Chin
01:06No, no, no, you see
01:07Today is a, what's a very special day
01:10Today is the anniversary of my late mother's passing
01:14From this immortal curl
01:16You know, and by tradition
01:18My brother and me, we
01:19We always go and spend the day with her in the cemetery
01:21You know, tending the grave
01:24That sort of thing
01:25Anyway, I must rush
01:27Because I've got to go and buy some flowers
01:28Yes, I am very solid
01:31No, that's all right
01:32No sweat
01:33I'll get them cheap from this geezer in the market
01:34Sayonora
01:36Cheerio
02:06There you go, man
02:11Excuse a fee
02:14That's the bestest grave in the entire cemetery, Rodney
02:20Yes, Master
02:22I mean, look at the others
02:26They all look like monuments to the unknown gypo
02:29All the others crumble and fall into dust
02:33That will stand forever
02:34Do you know why?
02:36Because it's the only one in the entire cemetery
02:39That is made of fiberglass
02:40One in the entire cemetery
02:43It required planning permission
02:44It's all right
02:46It's looking a bit tatty nowadays
02:53I don't know, it's not too bad
02:56It's bound to look a bit iffy after 17 years, isn't it?
03:00I mean, so would you
03:01If you'd been standing out there for 17 years
03:03With pigeons and diesel fumes
03:05And other mourners
03:06Stubbing their cigarette ends out on you
03:07I don't know
03:10Well, maybe he could be right
03:12What's he could do with brightening up a bit?
03:17Yeah
03:18If I added some fiberglass models of, say, an apostle
03:22And four cherubins with trumpets
03:26Do you think that would alter the effect?
03:30If he added fiberglass models of Snow White and a Seven Dwarfs
03:33You couldn't alter the effect to that
03:34Oi, oi, oi, oi
03:37Don't start getting sacrificial
03:40Don't know what's the matter with you, Rodney
03:44Really, I don't
03:45You seem to have no sense of occasion
03:48You've no
03:50Tres bien ensemble
03:53As the French say
03:55Look at you now
03:57Loafing about around your mother's graveside
04:00Don't you feel any emotion?
04:03Now look, Del
04:03I didn't know Mum that well, did I?
04:07When she died, I was just a little nipper-oony
04:09All odd socks and eczema
04:11Now you feel a sense of personal loss
04:14Me, I...
04:15I just feel cheated
04:18Yeah, I'm...
04:33I'm sorry, Rodney
04:35I should have realized
04:37Our mum was a wonderful woman
04:44She had
04:47Long, golden, blonde hair
04:50Sometimes
04:52You could see her sitting at the bar
04:56With an egg's head in her simulated beaver skin
04:58With a rum and pep in one hand
05:0020 senior service in the other
05:03Now she looked like a lady
05:06You know, lots of people mistook her for a money lender
05:11Really?
05:12Yeah, straight up
05:13Yeah
05:14Of course I was a lot younger then
05:17You know, didn't have much money
05:18But every night she used to send across
05:21Two or three pints of light and bitter
05:22Or whiskey if she was flush
05:24That wasn't Mum
05:27And then come about ten o'clock she'd look over where I was sitting and she'd shout
05:33Come on, dearl boy, get off home to bed
05:37School in the morning
05:39That's a part of the woman she was
05:42Concerned about our welfare
05:44Where was I then?
05:50She was outside in the pram eating a narrow room
05:52Was she worried?
05:55No, it's only an old pram
05:57It's all right, putting your leg
06:05Old pram
06:06Of course she was worried
06:07No, I like it here though, don't you, Rodney?
06:16You know, it's nice and quiet
06:17Away from the crowd and the noise and the traffic
06:21No, it really is
06:24Nice and quiet
06:25Yeah
06:26Tranquil
06:29You're decorating the kitchen of a Chinese takeaway tomorrow
06:35Birds are singing and the sun's shining
06:39What did you just say?
06:43I said the sun's shining and the birds are singing
06:45No, I mean before that
06:47Everything's quiet and tranquil
06:49No, though, in between it being quiet and tranquil
06:53And the sun's shining and the birds singing
06:55You mentioned something about a Chinese takeaway
06:58Oh, the Chinese takeaway
07:01Oh, yeah
07:02Well, he owns it
07:03He's in dead stock
07:04He's got the elf inspectors coming round
07:07And he's got to have his kitchen, you know, painted
07:09You know, have it bright and dark
07:11So why have I got to paint it?
07:14Well, you're the one that's got the GC in art, haven't you?
07:17This is a good earner, this is, Rodney
07:19I charged him 150 knicker
07:21Well, I don't care
07:23Oh, come on, I've given him your word now
07:26Look, I am not painting the kitchen of some grotty Chinese takeaway, alright?
07:31Alright
07:35Alright
07:36So why you want it?
07:42Yeah
07:42I remember what mum said to me on her deathbed
07:46Called me over to her side and she said
07:51Del boy
07:52Del boy
07:55Stutter, did she?
07:56No, really, I'm sorry
08:01I don't know why I said it
08:03Sorry
08:03Look after Rodney for me
08:06Del boy, she said
08:08Share everything you've got with him
08:12Try to make him feel
08:15Normal
08:17That's what I've always done
08:20Half of everything I've got
08:23I mean, fair enough
08:26I ain't got nothing
08:27But half of it is yours
08:28You give me half of everything
08:31You'd nick the hole out of me last polo
08:34If I didn't keep me mouth shut
08:36That hurts
08:38That hurts
08:39If I had any wealth at all
08:41I'd give you half like a shot
08:43Yeah
08:44Say you had
08:49Two Rolls Royces
08:51Well, I'd give you one, wouldn't I?
08:53You'd give me one of your Rolls Royces
08:56Yeah, of course I would
08:57If it was weather like this
08:59I'd give you the one with a sunshine roof
09:00If you had two million pounds, what'd you do?
09:06I'd give you a million, wouldn't I?
09:08Really?
09:09In cash
09:10What'd you do if you had two of them deep-sea divers watches?
09:18Now you know I got two of them deep-sea divers watches
09:24Don't take bloody liberties with me
09:27Yeah, that's the real deal coming out
09:32All right
09:33All right, you can have one of me deep-sea divers watches, all right?
09:36No
09:38No, I've got to draw the line somewhere
09:41I'm fed up with you and your bribery and emotional blackmail
09:45Every time you want me to do the dirty work
09:48It's a point of principle now, Del
09:50You'd better get this straight
09:52I am not painting that kitchen tomorrow
09:54I am not painting that kitchen in a thousand years
09:57No way, my son
09:59I'll give you a lend of me dirty books
10:05Yeah, all right, then
10:06Oi, Rodney
10:20Put that on the meter, will you?
10:25Right, come on
10:26What's that look for?
10:28You can't expect me to paint with my feet, Del boy
10:32I don't expect you to paint with your feet
10:35I expect you to mix up, sweep up
10:37and hold the ladders for young Rembrandt here
10:38All right, come on
10:40Don't let him out
10:50It's going to please Mr. Chin, innit?
10:56Oh, was it his pet?
10:57No, but number 39's off the menu
10:59Do you reckon the rumours about these places is true, then?
11:12What?
11:13No, of course not
11:14Well, that look pretty alarmed about something
11:18Here we are
11:25Nice little kitchen, innit?
11:27Nice little kitchen?
11:31This is the pits, Del
11:32This is the bloody pits
11:34The old place was like an explosion in a dripping factory
11:38This is a working kitchen, Rodney
11:43You've got to expect a little bit of four-fat
11:46To spill out the pans every now and then, haven't you, eh?
11:51So what period are we going to decorate it in, Del?
11:54Early bubonic, perhaps?
11:56Yes, if you like
11:58Look, don't worry about it
11:59You've had all your inoculations, haven't you?
12:01Come on
12:02Is this the kitchen, then?
12:04No, no
12:05This is the master bedroom
12:06The kitchen is upstairs in the bathroom, you, Wally
12:09Now, listen, you two
12:11You should be out of here in a couple of days
12:12If you don't do anything stupid
12:14Like stopping for lunch, right?
12:16Wait, Rodney
12:16Come here
12:17Down here, look at this
12:18Now, then
12:19Here's your paint, right?
12:21There's your walls
12:22That's your ceiling
12:23Now, I'll leave it all up to you, Michelangelo
12:26All right?
12:28Oh, yeah
12:28What?
12:29And just what am I supposed to do with them soppy little tins?
12:32Look
12:33I can't even get me brush in them
12:35Can't even get his brush in them
12:39He can't even work that little problem out
12:41Oh, go on
12:42Tell him how to do it, Grandad
12:44You get a pair of scissors and trim your brush up?
12:46Yeah
12:46No, you don't get a pair of scissors and trim your brush up
12:55Look, what you do is
12:58You get your little tins, don't you?
13:00Open them up and you put them in your big tin, don't you?
13:04Oh, yeah
13:04Yeah
13:05No, I'd thought of that already
13:07Oh, yeah
13:08I'm not stupid
13:09No, not much
13:10Look it
13:11Right
13:12Oi
13:12What?
13:13I ain't got no labels on them
13:15You don't even know what colour they are
13:17I know
13:18The owner bought them cheap
13:19He got well taken on
13:20It's a load of rubbish
13:20I'm going to say that again
13:22Where'd you get them from?
13:23Me
13:24Tell him
13:26Is this nicked, though?
13:28I'm not doing it if it's nicked
13:29No, Rodney, it is not nicked
13:31Believe me
13:32No, no, no
13:33It's bankrupt stock
13:34I bought two grosses a job long
13:36Right?
13:37Come on
13:37Trust me
13:39Trust me
13:40Right?
13:41Good morning
13:42Good morning
13:44Good morning, Mr Chin
13:45Here you are
13:46Here we are
13:47My men are here, as promised
13:48As you can see, they are the best in the business
13:51They are, in fact, the creme de la month of the painting and decorating world
13:56Good
13:58You the painter?
14:00No, no, no
14:01He's the painter
14:02I'm his apprentice
14:04It's all right
14:07No, they are the best
14:08The very best
14:09Don't worry, Mr Chin
14:11In fact, chin up
14:12Chin, chin up
14:15Mr Chin
14:16Thank you, chin
14:17Chin up
14:18Well, have you decided what colour the walls will be?
14:26Colour?
14:28Oh, yes
14:29Yes
14:29I mean, you don't think that we leave an important decision like that to the last minute, do you?
14:35Get that lid off
14:36I'm trying
14:36Yeah
14:37Go on, Mr Chin
14:38You see, the colour that I thought of
14:41Now, you may not agree with me
14:43But somehow, I think that you will
14:45You see
14:46What I thought
14:48And you can shoot me down in flames in this one, if you like
14:52You know what I mean
14:53What I
14:54Have you got the lid off yet?
14:55No
14:55Yeah, well, you see
14:56What I thought
14:57The colour these walls should be
14:59Blue
14:59What?
15:02I like blue
15:04Blue
15:04Ah, blue
15:05Je sens frontiers
15:07That is exactly what I thought
15:09I thought
15:09Why don't we paint these walls
15:11A nice, subtle shade of blue
15:14What shade of blue?
15:15Yellow
15:15And then I changed my mind
15:17And I thought
15:18No, no
15:19Not blue
15:20No
15:20What I thought we'd do
15:21Is we would paint them gold
15:22That is yellow
15:23This is gold, Rodney
15:25What is the matter with you?
15:26Are you illiterate or something?
15:28No, I thought of gold
15:29Because I remembered the name of your beautiful restaurant
15:31Gold
15:32For the golden locust
15:34Well, Mr Trotter
15:35I'll leave it to you
15:37As long as my kitchen
15:39Is painted and cleaned up
15:40Before the health inspector calls
15:42All right?
15:43Mm-hmm
15:43Fine
15:44Sorry
15:44Sorry
15:45How did you know the health inspector's calling?
15:48I didn't think they warned you or nothing
15:49Oh
15:50I heard a telephone call from a man
15:53He did not give me his name
15:55What?
15:59He tells me
16:00Get your kitchen painted
16:02Oh
16:03You'll be in big trouble, John
16:05Huh?
16:09John?
16:11John?
16:11Yeah, John, John
16:12You know, John
16:13It's the expression
16:13Got an expression
16:14Hi, John
16:14And all that
16:15Somebody up there must like him, mate
16:17I wonder who that anonymous phone caller could have been, Dale
16:21Yeah, well, I don't know
16:22I don't think we're ever going to find that one out, are we, Rodney, eh?
16:25Well, come on
16:25We must now say
16:26Ciao, men
16:27Hey?
16:28And let our men get on with the work, eh, Mr Trist?
16:32Do you think this anonymous person
16:34Is likely to ring up any other Chinese restaurants
16:37And tell them to get their kitchens painted?
16:39Right, I do something, didn't I?
16:41Otherwise, we'd have been lumbered with all this paint
16:43Right, now, listen
16:44I'm going to take these boxes with me, right?
16:47So, Rodney, you'll have to water that lot down a bit
16:49No, it's all right
16:50It's all right
16:51Because you don't want to put it on too thick, do you?
16:53Because the plaster's none too kosher
16:55Just remember
16:56A little dab will do you
16:57Right?
16:58A little dab will do you
17:00Hey, what about all this grease and filth, Dale, boy?
17:03Are you ready for anyone to clean it up?
17:06Of course I have
17:07What do you think I am, a cowboy or something?
17:09There's a tin of Ajax and a rubber glove in that bucket
17:11Go easy on the Ajax
17:14See ya
17:15He's not in
17:23Perhaps he's gone out
17:24Oh, yeah, I never thought of that
17:27Of course he's gone out
17:30Question is, where?
17:32This is the second day on the trot
17:34Dale's done a complete disappearing act
17:36And when I asked him where he's gone
17:38He always acts sort of evasive
17:41I thought he told you to mind your own bloody business
17:44Yeah, that's what I mean, evasive, you know
17:47You know what I reckon?
17:49I reckon that while we've been imprisoned in that Chinese takeaway
17:52He's been out and he's been wheeling and dealing on the quiet
17:55Making a few bob and cutting us out
17:58Oh, you're in?
18:00You can't pull the wool over this boy's eyes, can you, eh, Grandad?
18:05Yes, I'm in, Rodney
18:06Seven out of ten for observation
18:09Did you finish that job?
18:10Yeah, I bet
18:11Half hour back
18:11Good, give us the money then
18:12Come on, give us the Missoula
18:15Yeah, yeah, yeah
18:16Thank you
18:17150, spot on, well done
18:20We phoned you to come and pick us up, but you wasn't in
18:25Hmm
18:26What have you been up to, Dale?
18:28Oh, bits and pieces
18:29Where have you been?
18:31There and back
18:32So what have you been doing?
18:35This and that
18:36As long as I know
18:38I thought you'd wrinkle it out of him in the end
18:42Listen, Rodney, I've been doing something private
18:47Alright?
18:49So just leave it at that, okay?
18:51Now, I think the best thing we can do with this money is to split it three ways, okay?
18:57So here you are, Grandad
18:58That's 35 for you
19:00Oh, cheers, dear boy
19:0140 for you, Rodney
19:0340?
19:04Yeah, well, you're the craftsman, ain't ya?
19:06You get the most, because you're experienced
19:08Yeah, but over there
19:09Hang about, hang about
19:10And you also get
19:13Your driver's watch
19:15There you are
19:17Hello
19:18Somebody at the front door
19:19Grandad, go and see where that is, will you?
19:20Oh, my legs are older than yours
19:22I know, that means I've had more experience, haven't I?
19:27Thank you
19:27Would you like it, then?
19:31Yeah, cheers
19:32Good
19:32Oh, the bloke said don't get it in the water
19:34It's a deep-sea diver's watch
19:39I know, Dad
19:40It doesn't mean to say you've got to go deep-sea diving in it, does it?
19:44I mean, I've got a pair of them desert boots, but you don't catch me in the Sahara
19:47See, look at that
19:49Tells you how deep you are
19:50Everything
19:51It's Trigger for you, Del
19:53Oh, yeah
19:53Hello, Trigger
19:54All right, Del boy
19:55Yeah
19:55Hello, Dave
19:56What's up with you, then, Trigger?
19:57I've got some more of that paint
19:58Interesting
19:59Is it...
19:59Oh, yeah
20:00Yeah, I'll have some of that
20:02Ah
20:02Yeah
20:04Yeah, what is it?
20:05Same price or lower?
20:06Same
20:07Oi, Rodney
20:08Don't bang that watch
20:09It ain't shop-proof
20:10I won't be getting any more of this for a while
20:13I'm lying low for a spell
20:15We almost got caught the other night
20:17What do you mean, you almost got caught?
20:23Yeah, by the railway, please
20:24See, me and Monkey Harris get this paint from a storage shed down in Clapham, Johnson
20:29You swore to me it wasn't nicked
20:34Bankrupt stock, you said
20:36British Rail, same thing, eh?
20:40Knocked off railway paint, eh?
20:42Well, I bet Mr Chin's gonna be well-pleased, ain't he, when he finds he's had his old kitchen done out in intercity yellow
20:47I prefer to call it a wayday gold
20:50I wondered where I've seen that colour before
20:54All day long I was whistling, this is the age of the train
20:59Don't, this ain't the stuff they paint trains with
21:05They use this for painting signs in tunnels
21:08It doesn't matter what they use it for, Trigg
21:10It's still knocked off
21:11It's still illegal
21:12Yeah, but it's good for the country row, Rodney, innit?
21:16Come on, Del
21:17How can nicking off British Rail be good for Britain?
21:21He amazes me, you know, Trigg
21:23He's got a GCE in maths and he still acts like a total wally brain
21:26I'll tell you why this is good for the country, shall I, Rodney?
21:31Because British Rail will have to hire more security guards to protect this paint
21:35Thus lowering the unemployment figures
21:38Plus, their insurance companies will need more people to handle British Rail's claims
21:44That means redundant insurance clerks will be snatched from the dole queues
21:48And handed back their dignity
21:51Right?
21:53Now these people may very well celebrate their good fortune by buying a new car
21:58And taking a wife and kids on a touring holiday round Britain
22:01This will result in a much-needed boost to our ailing car industry
22:06Higher revenue for North Sea oil
22:09And a vital cash injection into seaside resorts and depressed areas
22:13None
22:13On the other hand, they may decide to take our holiday abroad, right?
22:19Thus forcing foreign hoteliers, restaurateurs and bar owners
22:22To buy more British beer, food and goods
22:25This will result in a higher export drive
22:28Which in turn will be very good for our balance of payment surplus
22:31Soon this country will be rich and famous again
22:34The starving shall be fed
22:35The homeless will be home
22:37This watch is broke
22:47This watch is not broke
22:53It's just that you don't know how to work it properly
22:55Look, see, it tells you the time in all the major capital cities of the world
22:58Yeah, look, everyone except London
23:00Look, all I can tell by this is
23:03It is nearly chucking out time in Peking
23:06And I am low on oxygen
23:07What do you want for nothing?
23:12Jam on it?
23:14Tunnels
23:15What did you say?
23:16No, he said that
23:17What?
23:18Trigger said tunnels
23:19He said they use that stuff to paint signs in tunnels
23:23Well, how can you see a sign in a tunnel?
23:26It's black, isn't it?
23:27No
23:28This is luminous paint
23:29It's luminous, granddad
23:32That means you can see in the luminous
23:34Bloody luminous
23:37What do you mean you thought I knew?
23:40You didn't tell me
23:41What do you think I am?
23:42Physic or something?
23:43Do you want this?
23:43Do you want it?
23:44Want it?
23:44No, I don't want it
23:45You can stick it up, you
23:46I'm not in, granddad
23:49Hello
23:51Oh, hello, Mr Chin
23:55No, no, Del's gone out
23:59I'm not sure
24:02Where you gone to, Del?
24:09Give it to me
24:10The old git
24:12Now sit down before I knock you down
24:13Hello
24:17Hello there, Mr Chin
24:18How are you?
24:20Don't you hello, Mr Chin me
24:22What?
24:24What have you done to my wife?
24:33Glowing, are they?
24:36Mm-hmm
24:36Now listen
24:37Tell them not to be frightened
24:38Because this is a new
24:40Energy-saving paint we're using
24:42Yeah
24:43It's designed to cut down
24:44On the old electricity bills
24:45Yeah, I'll get it from this contact in
24:47Stockholm
24:48Stockholm
24:48Stockholm
24:49Stockholm, oh yeah
24:50Yeah, because you see
24:51The Norwegians
24:52They lead the world
24:53In paint technology
24:54Yeah
24:56Yes
24:58Yes, I understand, right
24:59Be around to see you
25:01First thing in the morning
25:05Does he want his money back?
25:08No
25:08He wants you to go round tomorrow
25:09And do it out of his living room, innit?
25:12I'll have that other box of paint off you
25:14Oh, my God
25:15There's something wrong, Del?
25:17What have I done?
25:21It's all your fault
25:22It's your fault
25:24You and your stupid paint
25:26Oi, what have you done?
25:27Hey, now listen, Rodney
25:28Now listen
25:29Now you've got to understand, right
25:30That I did it in good faith
25:32Did what in good faith?
25:35I'll show you
25:36Come on, you'd better get your coats
25:44Come on, you'd better get your coats
25:44Now, what are you poor shirt for?
25:58Wait a minute
25:59Take a look at that
26:12Oh, my good God
26:19Is this where you've been for the past couple of days?
26:27Painting Mum's monument?
26:29It wasn't her favourite colour
26:30And we both agreed it needed brightening up
26:32Looks more like a rocket launch
26:36Well, I didn't know it was going to be luminous, did I?
26:41Do you realise our Mum's grave is now going to become a beacon
26:44For every Satanist and acid-head in England?
26:48There's going to be white witches dancing round there on a full moon
26:51There's going to be chickens' blood everywhere
26:53What worries me?
26:55It's on the main flight path to Heathrow
26:57I wish you two could see yourselves
27:05Here's Mum and her monument
27:07She's fast asleep
27:09The third coat's hardly dry
27:10And already a-quivering in your shoes
27:12Well, I'll tell you this much
27:14I don't regret that I did it
27:16And I will not bow my head to any snotty-nosed town hall clerks
27:20And they're narrow-minded rules
27:21I shall look them straight in the face
27:23And I'll say
27:24I am the man that's responsible
27:26And I'm proud of him
27:27We'll put it down to vandals
27:36Let's get out of here before we get our collars out
27:39We've got some off-priced black ties
27:47Some miles and miles of carpet ties
27:48TV's, doot-foo's, and baby-boy-o-pies
27:51Blue booms, gold chains, worst names are never pushed
27:54And Trevor Pancel, track suits, form a mission
27:57Shepherds Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
27:59No income tax, no VAT
28:03No money back, no guarantee
28:06Black or white heart, get your food
28:09With the prices that are strong
28:14God bless Brookie Street
28:17We love Brookie Street
28:20Long live Brookie Street
28:23Same and defeat, Brookie Street
28:26And defeat, Brookie Street
28:30Brookie Street
28:32Brookie Street
28:36Employee Street
28:38We love Brookie Street
28:39dah downloading, heart downloading, heart computing
28:43flowers, and more
28:44No matter what We could.
28:45We could.
28:46We could.
28:46...
28:46...
28:46...
28:46...
28:47...
28:47Deuteronomy
28:47...
28:48...
28:49...
28:49...