- 17 hours ago
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one what's driving me berserk
00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:33La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
00:39You've seen my teeth
00:51You tried your mouth
00:53Now don't get sarky, Rodney
00:58I had them last night
00:59I meant to put them in soak
01:01I might have left them in the kitchen
01:03Do you want any breakfast, Rodney?
01:08No, I don't
01:09My belly's going up and down like Tower Bridge
01:11I'll see if we've got anything out here for you
01:15Ah, there you are, Rodney
01:18Morning
01:18Great night last night, wasn't it, eh?
01:21Oi, Grandad, I found your teeth
01:23Now we're outside by the rubbish shoe
01:25What are you doing out there?
01:28I don't know, do I?
01:29Did you lend them to anyone?
01:31Course I didn't
01:32Are you sure?
01:36Here, put a couple of rashes of streaky in that pan for me, will you, Grandad?
01:40That's what you need, Rodney
01:41After a night on the old drink
01:43Nice drop of the old bacon fat
01:44Slides down the little red lane
01:46Like a pint of duckums on a warm morning
01:49What's the matter with you?
01:52You're not still sulking, are you?
01:53No
01:54Oh, no
01:56God, come on, grow up, Rodney
01:59Grow up, will you?
02:00What's up with him now?
02:02I'll tell you what's the matter with him, shall I, Grandad?
02:05The other day I met a couple of birds, right?
02:07When I say a couple of birds
02:08A mother and her daughter
02:09Now I've known them for a long time
02:11They're two very charming people
02:13Anyway, I suggested that we made up a foursome, right?
02:17So last night we went out for a drink
02:18We took him out
02:19Gave him a nice drink
02:20Had a lovely meal
02:21And then, look, him over there
02:22He goes and gets the sulks, doesn't he?
02:24What's the matter with you, Rodney?
02:25Sounds like a nice evening
02:27Grandad, when he said we was going out
02:30With a mother and her daughter
02:31I assumed that I'd be with the daughter
02:33Instead of that
02:36He dragged me around every pub
02:38And the old Kent rolled
02:39Holding hands with some old sort
02:41With a cough
02:42I thought it was a very romantic evening, Rodney
02:45Well, it well might have been for you, Del
02:48For me, the night air was filled with all the sensuous promise
02:51If a tour round the Sonata gym works
02:53Here, how's that bacon?
02:55All right
02:56You didn't get in till four o'clock
02:59What do you do?
03:00Go back to their place?
03:02No, don't get excited
03:04We went on to this little spit drinking club I know over New Cross
03:08Here, you know who was there, Grandad?
03:10Tommy Razzle
03:11Do you remember Tommy?
03:12Used to live in Caffel's house
03:14Oh, young Razzle
03:15Used to have that dog
03:17Yeah, that's right
03:18Well, he's married her now
03:19He's still on the underground
03:23No, no, no
03:25Him and Monkey Harris
03:26They've teamed up together
03:27They put in false ceilings or something
03:29They'd just come back from Saudi Arabia
03:30They was putting in a false ceilings in a dental clinic or something
03:34Anyway, they had a big row, didn't they, Rodney, last night?
03:37Should have seen it
03:37You see, Tommy, he reckoned that he'd seen a salt beef bar in Jeddah
03:41And Monkey Harris said, no way
03:44Anyway, before we knew where we were, they was off, weren't they?
03:47Oh, tables flying, bottles, glasses
03:49Almost had a call for the manager at one point, didn't I?
03:52Yeah, that's right, it was as bad as that
03:54Anyway, somebody phoned the law, right?
03:57And who do they send but a young policewoman?
04:00Well, of course, that was it, wouldn't it?
04:02Should have seen him over there, what?
04:03She hid his eyes, they went all goggly like that
04:05And then he was sniffing round her
04:08I was not sniffing round her
04:10I merely asked her if she needed any assistance
04:12Oh, leave it out, Rodney
04:14There was Monkey Harris draped over a keep left side
04:18There was Tommy with the handcuffs on
04:19Their two wires were fighting like a couple of strays
04:22And this plonker here is trying to date the arresting officer
04:25You should have seen it was pathetic he was going home
04:28Why, uh, uh, well, I'll fit my car out of pictures
04:32Right, tomorrow
04:33Do you want to come?
04:38The only date that you would have got with her
04:40Was ten o'clock, Monday morning, Orsbury Road, Magistrate
04:43How's that bacon?
04:45Oh, I'll have a look at it
04:46Good
04:46Oh, she could call round last night
04:50Yeah, what do you want?
04:50With these watches
04:51Eh?
04:52Watches?
04:54Watches, look
04:55Knocked off, are they?
04:59No, they're not knocked off
05:00They're knocked off, he's a comedian, isn't he?
05:03They're knocked off
05:04Mm, there you know, these are not bad
05:07Look at that, Rodney, look at that
05:10What do you think of that, eh?
05:12Respondez-vous si vous plaie, isn't it, that one?
05:15Hey, they're not bad, is it, Amos?
05:17No, yeah, I reckon that's a long guine or a cartier
05:20Yeah, yeah
05:21She just said they're four quid each
05:23Eh?
05:26Oh, well
05:27Bill, boy
05:28Yeah?
05:29I've burnt you a bacon
05:31Oh, you stupid old git
05:34I told you to look after it, didn't I?
05:36Never mind, you can have it
05:37Come on in, Rodney
05:39Let's go and see if we can flog some of these watches
05:40We'll stop off at Sid's place on the way, all right?
05:43Yeah, right
05:44Actually, I could do it with something to eat now
05:46I feel a bit better after that
05:47What are you done with my sterodent?
05:54Oh, God, Benny
05:56Oh, God
05:57Oh, I see I have dropped the point
06:05Yeah?
06:10Chelsea dropped three on Saturday
06:12They should never have sold Greavesy, should they?
06:16Come on in, you're fit
06:17Yeah, right
06:18Right
06:19What did you have, Del Boy?
06:22Just a packet of biscuits and a cup of tea
06:24What did you really have?
06:28Sausage, bacon
06:29Double egg, beans and tomatoes
06:33Mushrooms, black pudding
06:36And chips
06:39Three teas
06:44Two bread
06:45Bread was toasted
06:50No fried slice?
06:54No, not this morning, Sid
06:55Belly's a bit dicky
06:56What did you have, Rodney?
06:58Oh, just my usual bacteria on toast, you know
07:01One day I'll smack him in the mouth
07:05Yeah, if you can find it
07:06Here, coming down the nags head tonight
07:09I've got a couple of strippers on
07:11I'm going out tonight
07:13Oh, here
07:15Take that back
07:16I want one of them down there
07:17One of them biscuits, all right
07:18Oh, yeah, where are you going?
07:19I didn't tell you, did I?
07:21I've got a bird
07:22Sandra
07:23Sandra?
07:26Where did you meet her, then?
07:27She was down at a club last night
07:28I didn't see you talking to anyone last night
07:30Not even the bird that you were supposed to be with
07:32Who was Sandra then?
07:33That part-time barmaid, was she?
07:35No, it's not a part-time waller
07:36She's got a career
07:37Oh, career
07:38What is she, a lollipop woman?
07:40No
07:40Policewoman
07:42Policewoman
07:43I mean, Rodney going out with a policewoman
08:02What are the neighbours going to say?
08:05Why is he doing it to us, del boy?
08:10Because he's kinky, isn't he?
08:13He's got what leading psychiatrists call a thing about policewomen's uniforms
08:19Well, if that's all he wants, can't we club together and buy him?
08:26He don't want to wear it
08:28He wants the policewoman to wear it
08:31Gordon Bennett, he may be perverted, but he ain't dangerous
08:34Del, could I please have the case to the van, Del?
08:47Oi
08:59Have you stopped to consider how your actions are going to affect our business?
09:05Don't you realise that them streets out there are our boardroom
09:08Our factory floor
09:10And the people that live in them are our customers, our business acquaintances
09:14How do you think they're going to feel about doing business with, with a grass?
09:19Bloody hell, Del, I'm just taking a bird to the pictures and suddenly on Bertie Smalls
09:24You're not taking a bird, you're taking a policewoman
09:29But under the uniform, she's just the same as any other girl
09:33Our kind and their kind don't mix, Rodney
09:36We're like cats and dogs
09:38I mean, you'll have to watch every word in case you say something incriminating
09:43Them people's never off duty
09:45Oh, don't talk rubbish, Grandad
09:47She's hardly going to nick the bloke that's taking her out, is she?
09:50What do you know about it, you wally brain?
09:53Don't you know that, don't you know that police officers have to take her vow
09:56That if necessary, they will nick their own mum and dad?
10:00She's hardly going to think twice about a ragbag like you, is she?
10:03Now you're trying to run my life again, aren't you, Del?
10:07Well, if I let you get away with it this time, I won't be able to go for a Nelson Riddle
10:11Without you giving me a blue preview
10:12Leave it out, hear that, hear that, hear that
10:16After all I've done for him, come on, Grandad
10:18Oh, cheers, Del
10:19What have you ever done for me?
10:22What have I done for you? I've brought you up
10:24I've fed you, I've clothed you
10:26I picked you up when you fell down
10:28I wiped your tears away
10:30But most important of all, Rodney, I've always been there
10:36I have always been there
10:39Besides that
10:41Always used to take your way on holidays
10:45Oh yeah, the Costa del Kent
10:47That's right, yeah, you used to create therapeutic little adventure games, didn't you?
10:53Like, let's see who can pick the most hops today, Rodney
10:56Hopping was all we could afford, wasn't it, Grandad?
10:59You've either got a short memory, Rodney, or you're just ungrateful
11:03Don't you remember the time when your little mate, Roy Taylor
11:07Got a set of Jacko roller skates for his birthday?
11:10You come in crying cos you didn't have none
11:13The next day, Del boy brought you in a pair exactly the same as Roy Taylors
11:19What do you mean, exactly the same as Roy Taylors?
11:22They were Roy Taylors
11:23His big brother gave me a right-eyed him when he caught me on him
11:27Yeah, I got him back for you though, didn't I?
11:30Yeah, fine consolation that was, wasn't it?
11:31I'm sat in my little bed with a split lip and an headache
11:34All right, all right then
11:36Who paid your fine when you got caught for smoking pot?
11:39Yeah, well I could have handled that myself
11:41Well, 300 quid, do me a favour, Rodders
11:43I remember when you got Nick for riding your motor scooter without a crash hat
11:47You only got fine five quid and you asked for time to pay
11:50You've always been a bad unrubber
11:54Yeah, that's right
11:54Well, cos I didn't wear a crash helmet
11:56I mean Smoky Marijuana
11:58You bought a slur upon the family name
12:02Oh, leave off, Grandad
12:04I'd have to get down for chicken molesting to bring a slur on his family's name
12:07Oi, oi, that's enough of that
12:10It's a good thing your mum died when she did
12:15Cos that would have killed her
12:16Why don't you shut up, you soppy old goat?
12:26Look, I don't care what neither of you say
12:28I'm going out, right?
12:30I mean, you're always on about
12:31How you brought me up
12:33How you kept me
12:35The one thing you've never told me is why
12:37Well, to tell you the truth
12:41The council wouldn't let me keep a dog in the flat
12:44Well, I think it's because you wanted to see me develop into a mature adult
12:50Someone who could stand on his own two feet
12:53Independent
12:53And one of the little clauses in my independence, Del
12:57Is that I decide where I go, what I do and with whom
13:00Alright, Rodney, alright
13:02Why don't you do that small thing
13:04You decide where you go, what you do and with whom you do it
13:07Because I'm finished with you
13:08I've washed me hands of you
13:10As far as I'm concerned, you don't exist
13:13Right?
13:21And Rodney
13:21What?
13:23It's been raining, them roads will be treacherous
13:25Drive carefully
13:25Yeah, I will
13:30Cheers, Del
13:32What for?
13:34Nothing
13:34Well, I shouldn't be too late
13:37Sandra's got to be up early
13:39She's on riot patrol
13:40The world's a strange place to live in, isn't it?
13:57Isn't it, eh, Grandad?
13:58Eh?
13:59One minute you walk along quite nicely
14:01And the next minute, whack
14:02Life jumps out and
14:04Gives you sobering thoughts
14:08Oh, I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time, dear boy
14:12It were them that started me drinking
14:15Yeah, I can understand that
14:23A boy's grown into a man
14:27I don't
14:29I don't feel as needed as I used to be
14:33Soon he'll
14:36He'll fly to nest
14:38But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is?
14:45One wrong word from that plonker, Rodney
14:47And I could end up doing five years
14:49Yeah, I was watching that
15:08What do you want?
15:12No, not yet
15:13His mouth probably drove her home
15:16Yeah, more than like
15:18He's late, aren't he?
15:24Here
15:25I hope she hasn't asked to see his
15:28M.O.T
15:29Here he is now
15:34Ah
15:34Oi
15:36Hello, Z. Victor
15:37One, how'd you get on?
15:39Hope he didn't leave any fingerprints over the suspect
15:42Still, he's got her home with him
15:46He's done more
15:48What's he trying to do to me?
15:51Quick, Grandad, hide things
15:52What things?
15:53Well, everything, innit?
15:55That's bent for a start
15:56Quick, get rid of the booze, Grandad
15:58The booze
15:58Get rid of the booze
16:00Hello
16:04Hello
16:06Yeah, we were just talking about you, weren't we, Grandad?
16:08He just said, yeah, well, give Rodney another month and then we'll phone the police
16:11I just brought Sandra back for a nightcap
16:15Oh, oh
16:16Good
16:18Hello again
16:19Yeah, hello
16:20Again
16:21Well, did you
16:24Did you enjoy the film?
16:27Yes, it was very good
16:28Told you to see something romantic, did he?
16:30No, The Exterminator
16:31Oh, The Exterminator
16:33Well, of course, to Rodney, that is romantic
16:36I mean, he cried his little eyes out over the Chainsaw Massacre
16:39Do you want to sit down, Sandra?
16:43Thank you
16:44And what have you been doing?
16:52Nothing
16:53No, no, no, nothing
16:53We've been in all evening, haven't we, Grandad?
16:57Right
16:58Yeah, and we've got witnesses to prove
17:00I wasn't asking you to provide an alibi
17:05I was just inquiring out politeness
17:08Oh, yeah, yes, yeah, of course you was, Sandra, sorry
17:11It's just that, you know, us being such a law-abiding family
17:14We don't really know how to converse with the old Bill
17:18He's got a police record
17:21Yes, walking on the moon
17:23You, you know, you've heard that one, haven't you?
17:29Yeah, yeah, I'll play it for you later on, if you like
17:33You know, if you haven't heard it
17:33Do you like a police LP, Sandra?
17:36I've got the latest one
17:37It hasn't even been released yet, has it, Del?
17:43If it hasn't been released, how'd you come by it?
17:46No, no, what he means is
17:47No, it hasn't been released in Britain yet
17:49You see, we got it when we was abroad on holiday
17:51We got it on holiday
17:55Where'd you go?
17:56Spice
17:56We toured
18:00Yeah, we toured
18:01Well, this is pleasant, isn't it?
18:15You know, Rodney, you know, he tried to join the police force once
18:27It was after he failed the intelligence test to become a Unigate milkman
18:31He's joking
18:34No, no, I'm not
18:35Here, that's a very nice-looking watch you've got there, Sandra, isn't it?
18:40Yes, lovely, isn't it?
18:41Rodney gave it to me
18:42Oh, did he?
18:46Oh, of course, he's a very generous lad, eh, Rodney, you know
18:48Sometimes I think he's too generous for his own good
18:51Yeah, come on
18:52Rodney, shall you and me get Sandra a drink, eh?
18:55You and me, and me and you, you know, together, you and me
18:57Yeah, yeah, all right
18:58What'll you have, Sandra?
19:00A gin and tonic, please
19:01G and tea
19:02Cheers
19:07What'd you give me that watch for?
19:10Don't worry, I'll give you the money for it
19:11Don't worry about that, I'm not worried about the money, am I?
19:15Don't you realise those watches are a very sought-after property?
19:18They're especially sought-after by the river police and the flying squad
19:22You mean they're a hot?
19:27Hot, they're so hot
19:29It is advisable to wear oven gloves when winding them up
19:32I told you that was straight
19:35Yeah, well, I lied, I lied, didn't I?
19:36Appalachian Bordeaux Controle
19:38What?
19:41We've got to think of a way to get that watch back off her
19:43Yeah, yeah, I'll just say
19:45Sandra, can I have the watch back?
19:47Cos I only lent it you
19:48No, we can't do that, ma
19:50She might get suspicious, mightn't she?
19:53I'll have to think of something subtle
19:54Yeah, that's what I like about you
19:55Don't you'll try anything once
19:57Oi, Oi, Oi
19:58Just a...
19:58I've got an idea here
19:59Just watch me
20:01Oh, here we are, Sandra
20:03Nice gin and tonic for you
20:05Get up now, please
20:07Allow me to put it on the arm of the chaise lounge for you
20:10Oops
20:11Oh, dear, oh dear
20:12Butterfingers
20:13Oh, no, no, it's all right
20:16Don't worry
20:17Oh, I do worry
20:18I do, I mean, I feel partly responsible
20:20Yes
20:21Oh, look, you're all wet
20:23Grandad, could you bring a cloth?
20:25Look at that
20:25All over your nice new watch and all
20:27Give it to me, I'll get it repaired for you
20:28Oh, no, no, honestly
20:29It doesn't matter
20:30It's waterproof
20:30Eh?
20:32Yeah, well, I know it's waterproof
20:33But is it gin-proof?
20:34You see, gin's a very funny thing
20:36You don't quite know where you stand with
20:37You see
20:37I've got this thing
20:39Sorry, sorry about that
20:44He's a bit eccentric, you know
20:45Um, no, if you, if you
20:47If you give me that watch
20:48I'll get it repaired for you, all right?
20:49Yeah
20:50Yeah, he's right, Sandra
20:51Because it's probably out of guarantee now
20:53It's been soaked in gin, you know
20:54Well, are you sure you don't mind?
20:56Mind?
20:56La plume de la morton
20:57It'll be a pleasure
20:59There you are
21:00That's right
21:01There, look, I'll let you have this back in, what?
21:03You know, a couple of months
21:03It'll be as good as new
21:04Well, come on in, Rodney
21:06You know
21:06Get Sandra another drink
21:08All right?
21:09Yeah
21:09That got you out of stucs, didn't it, eh?
21:13What do you mean got me out of stucs?
21:14You put me in it in the first place
21:16Oh, that's all right
21:17Go on, pass the buck
21:18All right, yeah
21:20Listen, no more cockers
21:23Just, you know
21:24Just think before you act, all right?
21:26Right
21:26Good
21:27I'm sorry, Sandra
21:30We seem to be right out of gin
21:31Eh?
21:32No, we're not
21:33No, I've got another three cases of it down here
21:35I don't believe it
21:38I don't believe it
21:40What a plonker
21:42What a plonker
21:43Oh
21:52Well, here we are
21:55Yes, here we are
21:57Do you feel like you bring a uniform home, Sandra?
22:04Yeah, sang it in my wardrobe
22:05Why?
22:07Nothing
22:07Rodney
22:17Yes, Sandra
22:19Can I ask you something?
22:23Yeah
22:23Easy
22:24You know your flat?
22:29Yeah
22:29Well
22:30Is there anything in it that's legally yours?
22:37I recognised a lot of the stuff from Scotland Yard photos and Police 5
22:42Yeah
22:44Er
22:45Well, I mean, you know
22:48You're not interested in the little things that fall off the bags of lorries, are you?
22:52No
22:53But I am interested in who pushed them and who picked them up
22:56I mean, you had three cases of export gin
22:59You can't buy that in Britain
23:01No, no
23:03We got it on holiday
23:04Oh, you smuggle as well
23:07Oh, come on, Sandra
23:11I bought you a donny kebab tonight
23:13And you gave me a stolen watch
23:17No, I didn't know that was nipped
23:19Well, tell that to the beat, Rodney
23:21You don't seem to realise
23:24I'm trying to build a career in the police force
23:27Now, what do you think my commanding officer would do if he found me in possession of stolen property?
23:32Put you in charge of the Christmas club, more like
23:35This is not funny, Rodney
23:38I could end up with the sack
23:40Which of you two's the culprit?
23:42You or your brother?
23:44No, it's not
23:45Yes, me
23:48Del
23:50Del don't know anything about it
23:51He's a bit of a wally, see?
23:52Well, come quietly, miss
23:57It's a fair cop
23:58If I was to carry out my duty to the fuller, I'd take you straight down the station now
24:09But you did take me to the pictures
24:12And you bought me a donny kebab
24:15And a packet of cashews
24:16And a watch
24:18Oh, no, forget about the watch
24:20No, I won't forget about the watch
24:23Neither will I forget about the others
24:26Your brother hid down the side of the armchair
24:28Look
24:30I'll give you 24 hours breathing space
24:33Time to, shall we say, spring clean your flat
24:36And after that, I'm coming round with the CID
24:39That's 24 hours, Rodney
24:42Yeah, right
24:44Reminds me of that Gene Pitney song, you know
24:4724 hours from Dartmoor
24:49Well
24:52Thanks for a lovely evening, Sandra
24:55Thank you, Rodney
24:57But I'll fancy a coffee
25:00Oh, do you?
25:02Well, there's an all-night sandwich bar down the Walworth Road
25:05Oh, yeah
25:07I might probably pop down there, then
25:10Sandra, will I see you again?
25:15Of course you will
25:16I'll be round your flight in 24 hours
25:19And in case you don't recognise me in uniform
25:22I'll be the one with the warrant
25:24Well, we've got 24 hours, Bill
25:33Well, as you so rightly say, Bill
25:36Rodney, 24 hours is better than nothing
25:38Thanks for being so understanding, sir
25:42I'm going to kill you, Rodney
25:43I'm choking you
25:45Listen, that's right
25:46This is it, you dipstick
25:47Have you got any last requests?
25:49Yeah, I want to leave my pimp cells to medical science
25:52Now get off
25:52I won't get off
25:54What's up with you now?
25:56I thought you'd calmed down
25:58I had calmed down
25:59And I trapped my finger in a flap on that table
26:01Got myself a black man's pinch
26:03And it's all this dipstick's fault
26:04I've said I'm sorry
26:05And I mean, what more does he want me to say?
26:08You could say
26:09I'm emigrating, Del boy
26:10I'm jumping off the balcony, Del boy
26:13Anything that would cheer me up
26:15Anybody can make a mistake, Del boy
26:18Yeah, you're right
26:19Look at a mistake mum and dad made
26:21How could they produce such a stupid kid?
26:23Oh, don't put yourself down, Bill
26:25I'll chin you, I will
26:28Look, we ain't got time to stand here arguing
26:31We've only got a few hours to get rid of all this stuff
26:34That's right
26:35Help me clear out this sideboard
26:36Make it a bit lighter
26:37Did we get this sideboard down, Hooky Street, then?
26:40I don't know, Rodney
26:42I don't know
26:42Half the stuff in this flat is legal
26:44The other half isn't
26:46It's been such a long time
26:47I just don't know what's bloody what anymore
26:49We've got to get rid of the whole issue
26:51That's it, come on
26:52Oh, I know there's something that I mustn't forget
26:55Oi, Del
26:58What?
26:59Can I keep one of these bottles of aftershave?
27:01Yeah
27:02What for?
27:03Well, it's just in case Sandra comes round a bit early, you know
27:06Just come here a minute
27:12No, I don't want it now
27:14Come here, a minute
27:15Come here, you
27:16Just come here
27:17Just come here
27:18You come here