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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:05I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one what's driving me berserk
00:28Why do only fools and horses work
00:32The la-la-la-la
00:34La-la-la-la-la
00:36La-la-la-la
00:37La-la-la-la-la
00:40La-la-la-la
00:41Oh, yeah.
00:50Oi, granddad, you want to see this book
00:52Mickey Pierce lent me?
00:54It teaches you how to say filthy things to women
00:56from great distances without actually speaking.
00:59They can't set their brothers on you or nothing.
01:02Do you like your baked potatoes really well done, Rodney?
01:07Have I got a choice?
01:08Well, not really.
01:11Yeah, I like them really well done, Grandad.
01:14I like them all burnt up so as they look like rock-hard prunes.
01:17Oh, good.
01:18Well, dinner won't be long, then.
01:24Body language?
01:25Yeah, it's no good for you, Grandad.
01:27You'd need an interpreter.
01:30Oi, up.
01:31All right, Grandad.
01:32Dinner ruined yet?
01:34Coming along nicely, dear boy.
01:36Ah, good, good.
01:37Here I am.
01:37Hang on, hang on.
01:38Here you go, look.
01:39There's a score for you.
01:41A little Christmas present, you all right?
01:42Oh, cheers, dear.
01:44That's very nice of you.
01:46I didn't get you nothing.
01:48I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian festival.
01:52Oh, I don't believe that.
01:55I don't believe that.
01:56He actually took my money and then gave me a rollicking.
01:59It's like being mugged by a magistrate.
02:02Oh, and Merry Christmas.
02:04Yeah.
02:05And a partridge up your pear tree and all your salty old men.
02:08Here.
02:09What happened to you today, then?
02:11I thought I'd see you down the old nag's head
02:13for a pre-luncheon aperitif
02:15and some light conversation.
02:18You know,
02:19with them little egg bangers of yours.
02:21Nah.
02:22My stomach's still a bit dicey, you know,
02:24sort of burning pains.
02:26Well, that'll teach you to play Russian roulette
02:28with a mutton vindaloo, won't it?
02:29No.
02:31This is psychosomatic, mate.
02:33Eh?
02:33This is me brain sending messages down to me belly
02:36warning it that Grandad's rotten Christmas dinner
02:38will be on its way down soon.
02:41I have a butcher's in that kitchen, Del.
02:43It's all smoke and smells.
02:44It's horrible.
02:45He's got baked potatoes in there
02:47that look more like lumps of anthracite.
02:50There's green stuff in there, right?
02:52I don't know what it is.
02:53I was going to ask,
02:54but I thought I'd better wait till you got in.
02:56Why'd you let him do it, Del?
02:58Well, it's tradition, isn't it?
02:59He's been cooking the Christmas dinner
03:01ever since Mum went.
03:02Yeah, he's been cocking it up ever since Mum.
03:05What do you want?
03:06What do you want, eh?
03:07A sacrableur chef or something?
03:08Look, I don't fancy it any more than you do, Rodders,
03:11but, you know, what can we do about it, eh?
03:14Well, let's pretend we both become vegetarians, eh?
03:16Then we won't have to eat his turkey.
03:18Don't be a dipstick all your life, Rodney.
03:21If we pretend that we're vegetarians,
03:23we'll end up with a plate full of anthracite and green stuff.
03:26Well, I'm going to say I'm on hunger strike.
03:28Some kind of humanitarian grounds.
03:30Oh, leave it out, will you?
03:32Leave it out.
03:33Now, I remember the last time that you went on hunger strike
03:36over a protest about the American cruise missiles
03:39being based in Britain.
03:41You said that you were going to starve yourself
03:42till all the missiles were removed.
03:44So?
03:44So.
03:45So, that was eight months ago.
03:47The missiles are still here.
03:49What is more to the point, Rodney, so are you.
03:52Went one and a half days on hunger strike
03:54and you're sent out for a curry.
03:55Well, I was starving.
03:56Well, that's the idea of it, you plonker.
03:59Come out of it.
04:01No.
04:02Grandad will never wear that.
04:05Anyway.
04:07Cooking the Christmas dinner
04:08has become Grandad's purpose in life.
04:12I mean, all year round, he sits in that chair
04:13watching them tellies like a...
04:15like an un-oiled, redundant cog.
04:19But come Christmas time,
04:20he knows that he can whir into action.
04:22It's his role within the family circle.
04:25Makes him feel he still has an important part to play.
04:28You know, that he's...
04:29he's still needed.
04:31Now, you wouldn't want to take that away from him, would you?
04:33All for the sake of a little bit of...
04:34Botulism.
04:36No, no, no.
04:37All right, Bill.
04:38Anyway, why don't you do what I do, eh?
04:41You know, just put the dinner in your mouth
04:43and think of England.
04:45Anyway, for all we know,
04:47this year it may turn out to be
04:49a gourmet's dream.
04:51I'll just strain the gravy,
04:53then I'll give it up.
04:55I must get a plug put on this thing, Rodney.
05:12All right, all right.
05:21I'll have some wine, please, Rodney.
05:23Do you want some gravy, Del?
05:27No, thanks, Grandad.
05:28I'll have a drop of wine.
05:31Merci, merci.
05:32Oh, Bain-Marie.
05:45Bain-Marie?
05:47I will say this for those old frogs.
05:49They make a blinding drop of wine, don't they, eh?
05:52Yeah, you know that shyster down at the off-licence?
05:54He only tried to palm me off with table wine, didn't he?
05:58He must have thought I was a philistine or something.
06:02Anyway, I pulled him up a bit sharpish, though.
06:05I said, Oi, John, I said,
06:06I don't want none of your table wine, I said.
06:09I said, you get down here in that cellar
06:11and you give me a bottle of your Vinordinaire.
06:12All right, here we go.
06:25Oh, not bad.
06:27Not bad, Grandad.
06:30Slightly underdone, maybe.
06:33Slightly underdone?
06:34I reckon a kiss of life would revive that tune.
06:37That's enough, Rodney.
06:39How's your guts now, Rodney?
06:43Not too bad now, Grandad.
06:44Thank you very much.
06:47I hope he ain't got worms.
06:49I'm doing this on purpose.
06:50Oi, that's enough, you two.
06:52Now, come on, this is a dinner table.
06:54I mean, worms and all that.
06:56Just that Rodney's got this burning sensation in his stomach,
06:59haven't you, Rodney?
07:00Yeah.
07:00Yeah.
07:01Maybe they're glow worms.
07:06Oi, oi, oi, what's your game?
07:08Do you think we could change the subject?
07:10It's all right.
07:11All right.
07:12Now, come on.
07:12There's no need to get overwrought.
07:14There you go.
07:19This turkey's lovely, Grandad.
07:22Isn't it, Rodney?
07:23Terrific.
07:27Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:30Eh?
07:31Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:32Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:33Yeah.
07:34Who's Brenda and Terry, Rodney?
07:35I don't know.
07:37Who's going on about, you old div?
07:39Well, we got a Christmas card from them.
07:42It said, love from Brenda and Terry and the kids, Shirley, Shane and Sean.
07:47Yeah, yeah.
07:47Yeah, that was from Brenda and Terry.
07:49Oh, no!
07:49Who is Brenda and Terry?
07:51Well, it's Shirley, Shane and Sean's mum and dad, isn't it?
07:54Oh.
07:56Did we send them one back?
07:58Why can't we send them one back?
07:59We've done how they are, let alone where they live.
08:01Well, it's just as well with them rotten Christmas cards that you bought.
08:06There was nothing wrong with them cards.
08:08You didn't like them because they come from a charity organisation.
08:10Now, that is not fair, Rodney.
08:11That is not fair.
08:13Nobody likes a good cause better than me, do they, Grandad?
08:15No.
08:15It's just that when you're choosing Christmas cards,
08:17you've got to be very careful about which charity you choose.
08:21What do you mean, got to be careful about which charity you choose?
08:24Well, I mean, look, some of those cards might offend some of our neighbours and friends,
08:28mightn't they?
08:28You know, it says, Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad
08:31and all the gang at the Deptford Drug Addiction Centre.
08:35With all the cards we've had in social services, you don't think that's a good cause?
08:39Look, I'm not saying it isn't a good cause, Rodney.
08:41All I'm saying, at Christmas time, people prefer a traditional Christmas card, don't they, eh?
08:45Like a nice wintry scene with a little snowman on it, little Robin Redbreast.
08:49Not a sprig of Ollie and a bunch of mistletoe wrapped round a rusty stringe.
08:54You're doing me right up sometimes, Bill.
08:56I don't know why they want these drug addiction centres anyhow.
09:00I mean, ain't we got enough drug addicts without them recruiting them?
09:07No, no, Grandad, they're not training centres.
09:11What?
09:12Oh, God, I'll give up.
09:13Can we change the subjects again?
09:15Oh, stroll on, Rodney, we're going through subjects quicker than mastermind.
09:22Didn't throw the giblets away, did you?
09:24I only asked, I only asked, because, you see, I promised them to the old girl downstairs for a cat.
09:31There weren't any giblets in it, dear old boy.
09:34It was really clean, said so on the box.
09:37Yeah, I know it was really clean, Grandad.
09:38What they do is they take the giblets out, put it in a plastic bag, and they put it back inside the turkey, don't they?
09:43Didn't they?
09:44Yeah.
09:45You took the bag out, didn't you?
09:52I didn't know it was in there, Bill.
09:54Oh, my God.
09:56And then you put it with everything still in it.
09:59Oh, my good God.
10:02Blimey, it's like peering at the jaws of hell, yeah?
10:05Didn't you at any time notice it?
10:07Like, for instance, when you were putting the stuffing in?
10:09Well, there's stuffing in there as well.
10:11I mean, there's everything in here, Rodney.
10:14Sage and onion and molten plastic.
10:18Bings.
10:18Oh, it's like Irish night in a delicatessen.
10:22I just didn't know it was in there, dear boy.
10:24Yeah, all right, all right.
10:28All right, Grandad.
10:30Don't get overwrought.
10:32It's over and done with, isn't it, eh?
10:34Don't upset yourself.
10:35It's, you know, it's like, as the French say, it's a...
10:38It's a fait accompli.
10:50What about the old afters then, eh?
10:52I'll go and get it.
10:53Yeah.
10:54All right, all right.
11:07Now, don't worry, because custard is his forte.
11:12Oh, my God.
11:17Do you like your Christmas pudding really well down?
11:21Ladies and gentlemen, Freddy Osler will attempt the incredibly difficult triple somersault.
11:43Ladies and gentlemen, Freddy Osler.
11:46Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready.
11:48Welcome.
12:09Sorry, I don't like circuses what I don't like circuses
12:34Never have liked them, cheffy
12:38Never will like them, circuses
12:43You're alright, you made your point Rodney, why don't you switch over
12:45Oh, there's one on the other side
12:55Is there? What a shame
12:58It's a pity you don't like them, because you could be having a whale of a time now, couldn't you?
13:01Yeah, put a sock in it for half an hour now, will you?
13:14Good living in a tar block, isn't it, though?
13:16Yeah, mustard, the Queen don't know what she's missing
13:18Look at that view, eh?
13:21On a clear day, you can see the ground
13:24It's boring
13:28Boring, boring, boring
13:33Boring
13:38Boring!
13:42Boring!
13:42Come on, he whacked you one in a minute, Rodney
13:45Nothing's open out there and I'm bored
13:50Hang about and I'll see if I can get on the phone and knock you up a Mardi Gras
13:54Everyone's bored
13:57Christmas is a religious festival, it's meant to be boring
14:02I thought we were supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord
14:06A time of great joy
14:07It is a time of great joy, that's why everything's closed
14:10Everyone's at home enjoying themselves, like us
14:13Enjoying themselves?
14:15Yeah, where's me nuts?
14:16Oh, right
14:20So, just take a look at it out there, Del
14:23It's like a neutron bomb's hit it
14:25The buildings are still standing, but there's no sign of life
14:28Nah
14:31British nation has forgotten how to enjoy itself
14:34We're all charging towards a cliff edge of terminal boredom
14:38Like a herd of them, er...
14:41Oh, what's them things that commit suicide all the time?
14:44Japanese
14:44Lemmings
14:47Yeah, like a herd of lemmings
14:49Let's go out somewhere, Del
14:52There's better be a pub or a club open somewhere
14:55It's Christmas night, Rodney
14:56The Monte Carlo Club, New Cross, that's open
15:00Then again, it's a bit rough
15:02Oh, rough, is it?
15:03Guess it's all those big men drinking beer and burping
15:06Breaking tart, you
15:08All right, then, let's go down to the Monte Carlo
15:10You get a few birds down there, might be able to pull a couple
15:13I don't want to go out, Rodney
15:14Oh, you're boring as well
15:16You're hardly a go on the Big Dipper yourself, Rodney
15:19Well, why don't you want to go out?
15:21I shall tell you why, shall I?
15:22It may have slipped your notice, but there are three people living in this flat
15:25You, me and that scruffy little old man that does funny things to turkeys
15:29Namely our grandfather
15:31And they're not seriously suggesting that we push off out of it and leave him here on his own, are you?
15:36We often leave him on his own
15:37Yeah, but not on Christmas night, Rodney, not on Christmas night
15:41Yeah, but we sit in with him every Christmas, he wouldn't mind just this once
15:45No, he would pretend that he wouldn't mind
15:47But you don't know what would be going on in his little mind as he sat in this empty flat on his own
15:51You know, thinking about the good old days when Mum and Dad were here
15:56And Christmas time was a great big family affair
15:59And we're still family, Rodney
16:02So you're going to stay in with me and Grandad and watch, you know, the sound of music
16:06I don't like the sound of music
16:08Well, switch over
16:09Well, what's on?
16:10The circus
16:11I want to go out, Del
16:13Listen, Rodney
16:15There are a lot of old people all over the country tonight, sitting on their own
16:19Now, half of them don't get a Christmas card, let alone a bit of company
16:23So you're going to stay in with me and Grandad
16:26Look, if I want to go out, I'll go out
16:29You won't
16:30I will
16:31You won't, Rodney
16:32I will, Del
16:33You won't
16:34I will
16:34You won't
16:35I will
16:36I'm off out now, sir
16:38See you later, Grandad
16:41You won't
16:42I will
16:42Listen, if I
16:43Oi, Oi
16:46Just a minute
16:47Where do you think you're going?
16:48I'm going to the old folks' Christmas duo over the community centre
16:52I thought anything would be better than sitting in here all night, listening to you two arguing
16:57Tell us what happens in the sound of music
17:00See ya
17:01Yes, see ya, Grandad
17:04Oh, that's terrific, that is, isn't it?
17:09Charming
17:10He goes out gallivanting, we have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews
17:13Oh, no, brother, definitely not
17:16Let's put our glad rags on and hit the Monte Carlo club, eh?
17:20Yeah
17:20Right, now listen, I'll have a bath first, because there's hardly any hot water left
17:25Right, you fit yourself a drink, make yourself comfortable and watch the circus, alright?
17:31Alright
17:35Let's go
17:37Let's go
17:39Let's go
17:41Let's go
17:42Let's go
17:43Let's go
17:44Let's go
17:45Let's go
17:46Let's go
17:47Let's go
17:48Let's go
17:49Let's go
17:50Let's go
17:51Let's go
17:52Let's go
17:53Let's go
17:54Let's go
17:55Let's go
17:56Let's go
17:57Let's go
17:58Let's go
17:59Oi, John, here's Remy Martin with cream soda and lots of ice and half a lager.
18:11Hello, my son. You all right, Earl?
18:12Hello, doll boy. Nice Christmas.
18:14Oh, yeah, blinder. Where's the enemy?
18:17She took the kids over her mum's.
18:19Oh, yeah.
18:20Here, how's the old man?
18:22Up and down like Tower Bridge.
18:24Still in hospital, unconscious most of the time.
18:27You know, when he wakes up, he don't know where he is.
18:31Oh.
18:32Well, next time when he comes round again, you wish him a Merry Christmas from me and Rodney.
18:37Yeah.
18:38I will, doll.
18:38Yeah.
18:39What's, uh, what's wrong with him?
18:43I can't pronounce it.
18:47Oh, yeah. How much is that?
18:4998, three.
18:5098? There you are. Keep your change.
18:51Now, listen, Earl.
18:53Now, listen, my son.
18:54This is what you want to do.
18:55You know, next time you're up to the hospital, you get hold of one of them surgeons.
18:58You know, they're the guys in their little white jackets, you know.
19:01You say to him that your old dad wants some antibiotics.
19:04Antibiotics.
19:05That is an-e-bi-o-ics.
19:10Right?
19:11Hang on, look. I'll write it down for you.
19:12Rodney, give me that replay I gave you for your Christmas present.
19:15Yeah.
19:16Right.
19:17Now then, let's see.
19:18You're being a bit pushy, ain't you?
19:20Eh?
19:20I mean, don't you think the hospital's already thought of that?
19:23What, that bunch of wallies?
19:24Leave it out.
19:26No, these are magic things, these are, Earl.
19:28I mean, they work a treat.
19:29Gordon knows where they get them from.
19:31Yeah, do you remember when Grandad was in hospital about 18 months back,
19:34they gave him so many of these antibiotics
19:36that one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better?
19:41Yeah, well, there you are. There it is.
19:43Don't take that to a chemist, will you?
19:45Because it ain't a prescription.
19:46No, I won't, though, boy.
19:47And thanks a lot. That's really nice of you.
19:49Well, that's all right, my son.
19:50Now, you have a good Christmas, you hear?
19:52Yeah.
19:52All right.
19:53Come on, Rodney.
19:56Well, you are something else, you are.
19:58Eh?
19:58I mean, you've stuck your nose in where it weren't wanted a good few times,
20:01but this tastes a biscuit, doesn't it?
20:03I mean, suddenly you're a miracle worker.
20:05Listen, listen, Rodney.
20:08Now, life has been pretty gutty for Earl quite recently.
20:11First of all, he got made redundant,
20:12and then it's been like that between him and his missus,
20:15and then to top it all,
20:16his old man collapses in the nag's head
20:18right across the table where me and Trig were sitting.
20:20It was terrible.
20:21All the glasses went flying and everything.
20:23Yeah?
20:24No.
20:25What, serious?
20:26No, I only had about that much left.
20:29No, I mean, he can't afford a private hospital.
20:32Wanted to take his old man to Lourdes,
20:34but he couldn't afford the fare.
20:35The way his luck's been going,
20:36he couldn't afford the fare to Leeds, let alone Lourdes.
20:38I've just given him a little bit of false hope, haven't I, eh?
20:44Like a light at the end of the tunnel,
20:46straw to grab at.
20:48Bit of promise for the new year.
20:54Yeah, but I mean,
20:55what if he tells the hospital to administer these drugs, eh?
20:58I mean, what if they finish the old man off?
21:00Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
21:02What do you think they are at that hospital?
21:04A bunch of wallies.
21:05Come on, you BG.
21:09You're flash, you are, isn't you?
21:11You think you know the lot, don't you?
21:13Everything about you is...
21:15Larry.
21:18What do you mean, Larry?
21:19Look at the way you dress to begin with, eh?
21:22What?
21:22I mean, you make a Christmas tree look sombre.
21:25And God knows how you got the courage
21:27to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold.
21:29When they see you coming,
21:30you must look like a mugger's pension scheme.
21:32Listen, how do you think...
21:36How do you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock, eh?
21:38With his plumage, right?
21:40Well, this is my plumage.
21:43You see, when I approach a bird,
21:45she doesn't see the real me,
21:46the young, good-looking man about town,
21:48own teeth and all that sort of game.
21:50She sees, you know, subconscious,
21:53a white yacht floating on the blue waters
21:56of a Caribbean bay.
21:57Is that right?
21:58Yeah.
21:59With you, they see a Winkle Barge
22:00sinking off the end of South End Pier.
22:03No, because I don't need all the bullion
22:05and the perfume and the white shoes
22:07because I'm natural.
22:08I'm me, Del.
22:09I'm me.
22:10Yes, I know you're you.
22:11That's why you always end up with a dog.
22:12I do not go out with dogs.
22:14Oh, leave it off, Rodney.
22:15You've had more dogs than crafts.
22:18The other week,
22:19Grandad took your suit to the cleaners.
22:20They found a muzzle in the pocket.
22:22No.
22:23No, Rodney,
22:24I know the secret, you see.
22:25That's why I always blag the good'uns,
22:27you know,
22:27the air hostesses
22:28and the part-time models.
22:30Oh, yes, bruv.
22:32I've got the secret.
22:33Never fails me.
22:39Got a bone, Andy Rodders.
22:41I think you just cracked it again.
22:42What can I do with a sit-down?
23:08My pen's a half aching.
23:09It's amazing, isn't it?
23:11Look at us, eh?
23:11The Peckham Playboys.
23:14Oh, but the only one
23:14who's pulled tonight
23:15is Grandad.
23:16Yeah, well, you ought to be used to it.
23:17The only thing you ever pull
23:18at Christmas is your cracker.
23:20Here, look,
23:21there's a table free over there, Rodders.
23:22Go on, look lively.
23:29Hey, Del, look.
23:31Oh, what?
23:33Look.
23:33Oh, no,
23:34they've only pinched our table.
23:35Oh, never mind about a table.
23:36Look at them two.
23:37Yeah, well, I wanted to sit down.
23:38Well, sit at their table.
23:40Come on.
23:41Well, go on then, Del.
23:49Go on, what?
23:50Do the piece of chat-em-up.
23:52How come it's always me
23:53that's got to do all the donkey work, eh?
23:55You're like the spy, you are, Rodders.
23:57You're the one that finds out
23:58where the enemy is hiding,
23:59but I'm the one that's got to charge
24:00across no-man's land
24:01and do the capturing.
24:02Well, I think it's about time
24:03that you took some of the old shot and shell.
24:05Go on.
24:06What, me chat-em-up?
24:07Yeah, go on.
24:11All right, I'll do it.
24:14Well, go on then.
24:14I will.
24:25What are you doing?
24:26Eh?
24:26What are you doing?
24:27Psyking myself up.
24:30It's all right.
24:31Be with you any minute, girls.
24:32He's just psyching himself up.
24:33Shut up!
24:34Come on, look, behave yourself.
24:37Now, look, this is kamikaze time.
24:38Now, go on, get over there.
24:40I will.
24:40Well, go on then.
24:41In my own time, Del.
24:44All right.
24:54Go on then.
24:55Well, just shut up, will you?
24:56All right.
24:57Hey, Soppy!
25:11Come here!
25:17I'd like to kill you sometimes.
25:19Sometimes I'd really like to work you bad.
25:21What was that silly walk for?
25:23Your gut's playing you up again.
25:24It wasn't a silly walk.
25:25It was body language.
25:27Look, I've got this book on it.
25:28Body language?
25:29I thought you were limping.
25:30I was talking to him.
25:32Talking?
25:32You were lisping?
25:33What were you supposed to be saying then?
25:35Well, the walk was saying,
25:36pelvis, virility.
25:40It was saying,
25:41now, here comes a man
25:42who's got natural masculinity and maturity.
25:45Oh.
25:46From back here, it was saying,
25:47here comes a man with his truss on back to front.
25:50Look, just don't do it.
25:52Right?
25:53Don't do it.
25:54Now, go over again
25:55and this time,
25:56walk normal.
25:58Well, I'm not going back there now, am I?
26:00I made myself look a right lemon.
26:01No, you haven't.
26:02Go on.
26:02Well, after I've bought a mere attempt halfway through,
26:04now you go.
26:05Well, after you've made a right lemon of yourself,
26:07no way, brother, no.
26:09Now, listen.
26:10Come here, look.
26:11Tell you what we'll do.
26:12We'll act cool, right?
26:13Just come on,
26:14stroll casually over to the bar.
26:16We'll get ourselves a drink
26:18and then when they're not looking...
26:19Sneak out.
26:20We'll sneak...
26:21No.
26:22When they're not looking,
26:24we'll ambush them.
26:27It's you, Wally.
26:28Come on.
26:29Hey, Del.
26:47No, I've got it.
26:48I've got it.
26:48No, just now.
26:49Shut up.
26:49Shut up.
26:51This is what we're going to do.
26:53You're going to leave the club.
26:56Leave?
26:57Yeah.
26:58Then when you get outside,
26:59you leave it a couple of minutes, right?
27:00Then you come back to the doorman
27:01and you say that there is a brand new
27:03Rolls-Royce Corniche
27:04obstructing your freewheel van.
27:08Why?
27:09Well, because then he'll come on the mic,
27:10won't he, and say,
27:11will the owner of the brand new
27:12Rolls-Royce Corniche
27:13kindly move it
27:14as it is obstructing some saps
27:16freewheel van?
27:17See, then I will casually get up,
27:20jangling my keys,
27:22and join you outside.
27:26Why?
27:28Well, because them birds will think
27:30that I drive a brand new
27:31Rolls-Royce Corniche,
27:33won't they?
27:33Oh, yeah.
27:36Yeah, but they'll also think
27:38that I drive a freewheel van.
27:40Yeah, well, you do, don't you?
27:41No, I know I do,
27:42but I don't want them knowing that,
27:43do I?
27:44Well, they won't, will they?
27:45Because you'll be outside.
27:48With you?
27:48Right.
27:51So that means
27:52the girls will be in here
27:53in the warm,
27:54and us two shrewdies
27:55will be outside on the pavement
27:57somewhere congratulating each other,
27:59then we're going to have to pay
28:00to get back in again.
28:07Yeah, all right.
28:08All right, then, clever dick.
28:11All right, what we'll do,
28:12we'll play it by you,
28:12we'll just go over there
28:13and engage them in conversation, right?
28:15Right.
28:15Right.
28:16I'll know I'll do it a minute,
28:21Bill.
28:21What?
28:22What sort of conversation
28:23are you going to engage them in, eh?
28:25I mean, you always tell lies,
28:26don't you?
28:27You always say,
28:27oh, yeah, you've got flash cars
28:29and we're film producers
28:30and we've got a private jet,
28:31don't you?
28:32Well, everyone exaggerates
28:33now and then, Rodney.
28:34Yeah, but I don't know what to say.
28:36I get embarrassed.
28:37Look, just tell them the truth, right?
28:39Just tell them about our lives
28:40and what we do.
28:42All right, all right.
28:43I just want to sit down.
28:44You can do the talking.
28:45Right.
28:47Now hold it, Bill.
28:48Oh, God almighty.
28:50But what shall I say to them?
28:52What?
28:53Well, I don't know.
28:54Why don't you tell them
28:55that you went down the auction on Friday
28:57and bought a 1962 A40?
28:59That you sold 30 Christmas trees
29:01in the market
29:01and knocked out two gross
29:02of fire-salvaged Rubik cubes
29:04in Croydon Shopping Precinct?
29:06You know, tantalise them, Rodney.
29:07Tantalise them.
29:09Don't think it might bore them?
29:10No.
29:11Oh, they won't have had so much fun
29:13since their last exorcism.
29:14We'll talk about Christmas.
29:16Yeah, that's a good idea.
29:17Tell them all about the giblets.
29:19Come on.
29:21No, that'll I'll get.
29:22Look, I shall kick you in the...
29:24shins in a minute.
29:26Now what?
29:27Which one do you fancy?
29:29Not yours.
29:31Look, they're both very nice.
29:34Look, I ain't particular.
29:35No, I ain't particular neither.
29:37Good.
29:37I'll have the blonde one then.
29:38No, I've only seen the blonde one.
29:40Gordon.
29:41Then it.
29:42Now listen, the dark-haired one is very nice.
29:46And if I'm not mistaken, I've seen her two or three times coming out of Guy's Hospital.
29:50Now, either she is a very sick girl or she's a nurse.
29:53Now, you like a nice nurse, don't you, eh?
29:55Particularly if they're in uniform, eh?
29:58Well, you know, take it or leave it, you know.
30:00Anyway, she's not wearing a uniform, is she?
30:02Well, of course she ain't.
30:05You don't come to the Monte Carlo Club dressed up like Sister George, do you?
30:08But on the other hand, she might have her uniform with her.
30:12Oh, yeah, stuffed in her handbag in case she sees an accident on the way home.
30:16All right, so she hasn't got her uniform with her.
30:20On the other hand, she might have something for your stomach, mightn't she?
30:23Now, come along.
30:24We're going to make our move.
30:26And I'm going to do all the talking.
30:28So if you should hear things like Lamborghini, Malibu Beach or Lady Diana, don't get nervous.
30:34All right.
30:35You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
30:48Me?
30:48Don't blame me, girl.
30:49It's your fault.
30:50Look, five minutes ago, I was ready to make my move and you kept calling me back again.
30:54An hour ago, I was halfway across that floor and you called me back.
30:58Yes, that's because you was doing a silly walk, weren't you?
31:00But anyway, your timing was all wrong.
31:02The girls had hardly sat down and you were steaming across the floor like Ivor the engine.
31:07No good crashing in there with a smile and a prayer.
31:11A woman needs time, Rodney.
31:13Yeah, well, in tactics, they never failed me in the past.
31:16No, I know, it wouldn't do.
31:16With them oval teenies that you chat up.
31:19Listen, I've heard your line of patter, my son.
31:21If they don't know Adamant's birthday or the Chelsea result, it's goodnight Vienna, innit?
31:26With me, it's different.
31:28I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
31:31I do.
31:32Look, when a woman goes out with me, she is guaranteed three things.
31:38Well, four, actually, but a fourth is an optional extra.
31:41She is guaranteed a well-dressed man.
31:44Yes, she is.
31:46She's guaranteed a steak meal.
31:48And she is guaranteed care and consideration.
31:51Oh, now, go.
31:52Oh, yes, she is.
31:54I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
31:56No, it's so easy to hurt her deeply with a thoughtless word.
32:00And a badly-timed gesture.
32:03No, I don't care about women's feelings.
32:07There's too much pain in this world, Rodney, without me causing more.
32:10Excuse me, ladies, it's getting rather late.
32:25And my brother and I were wondering if you were thinking about going home yet.
32:28Oh, yes, we were just going to get our coats.
32:31Oh, good.
32:32We can have your chairs in, can't we?
32:34Oh, that's fun.
32:36Come on.
32:37Come on, Rodney.
32:38Come on.
32:39We've got some art, Frank, Acton, some artists and others and capital.
32:45TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV.
32:48TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV.
32:55No income tax, no VAT.
33:00No money bank, no guarantee.
33:03Black or white, rich or broke.
33:06We'll cut prices and a straw.
33:09God bless Hookie Street
33:13Viva Hookie Street
33:16Long live Hookie Street
33:19Saint Magnifique Hookie Street
33:22Magnifique Hookie Street
33:26Hookie Street
33:29Hookie Street