- 17 hours ago
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:30Why do only fours and horses work,がらららら。
00:35laららら,来ららら.
00:41Listen, now listen, why shed a tear for the recession when you've got me about, hey?
00:45Now just look what I bought you today girls, what that's.
00:47Authentic French nylon tights, all right?
00:50As worn by Sasha Distelle's mum.
00:52No seriously, I've been interviewed.
00:54No, they're 20 denier and they're sheer nylon.
00:56Not only are they rumproof, but they're funproof as well.
00:59Listen, if I asked you for a pound a pair, I'd get killed in the stampede, wouldn't I?
01:03Yes, I would, I know, I can see your face.
01:04But I tell you what, I'm not going to ask you for a pound a pair.
01:07I'm not going to ask you for 80 pence a pair.
01:09What did you say? You give me 60 pence a pair, will you, love?
01:11Put your money away. I don't want 60 pence a pair.
01:16I want 50 pence a pair and I'm starving myself.
01:20No, come on, ladies. Here.
01:22I thought you were bargain hunters, you ladies.
01:25You can't even get these in the factory for 50 pence a pair.
01:29Wait, Rodney, am I keeping you awake?
01:35No, don't you mind me, though, you carry on.
01:39Listen, I know the government keeps asking us to save energy, but this is taking a piss.
01:44Look, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, worrying about all the trouble and what have you.
01:50Trouble or trouble?
01:51Well, last night I went round that Bird Linder's house for the evening, right?
01:55And her mum and dad come home earlier than what we expected.
01:57Catch you at it, didn't they?
02:01Well, no, no, no, they didn't actually catch us.
02:04It was all a bit of a panic, though.
02:06So where does all the trouble come from, then?
02:07Well, as I was leaving, her dad just happened to notice I had my jeans on back to front.
02:15Had your jeans on back to front?
02:17What did he say?
02:20He swore at me.
02:21Oh, I bet he did.
02:24I bet he didn't know whether you were coming or going, did he?
02:26Oh, hello, Trig.
02:33Here, how's your grin?
02:34Well, didn't you hear, Del?
02:35The old girl passed on.
02:37Oh, what a shame.
02:38I am sorry, Trig.
02:40Well, your fault, Del.
02:43Funeral's on Friday.
02:44You'll come, won't you?
02:45Oh, Friday?
02:46It's a bit difficult.
02:47I'm a bit tired up, actually, Trig.
02:49Anyway, you don't want a big crowd there, do you?
02:51There won't be a big crowd, Del, and I'm the only one who's going.
02:57Oh, yeah.
02:59Yeah, I'll come.
03:00I'll tell you what, I'll bring granddad and all,
03:02because he used to know your grand, didn't he?
03:04Rodney will come as well.
03:05Hey.
03:06Cheers, Del.
03:07Appreciate it.
03:08That's all right.
03:10I'll tell you what, I'll order a car, shall I?
03:14That's a good idea, Trig.
03:16I'll see you at Gran's house.
03:17About ten o'clock.
03:18All right, cheers.
03:20Oi, you.
03:21What's the idea of lumbering me with a funeral?
03:24He's a mate, isn't he?
03:26You wouldn't want him to go on his own, would you?
03:28Well...
03:28Of course you wouldn't.
03:29Anyway, going to a funeral would be good practice for me and granddad.
03:34To what?
03:35When that Linda's dad catches up with you.
03:37Now, that is not funny, Derek.
03:39Yeah, I think it is hilarious.
03:42All right, come on then, girls.
03:43Here we are, genuine French tights,
03:45as worn by Charles Asnavour's sister.
03:48I don't know.
03:49It's a nice drink.
03:50Oh, and...
03:50...
03:52...
03:54Wedgwood.
03:55...
03:57Wedgwood.
03:57Wedgwood's pottery.
03:58Wedgwood.
04:06Wedgwood's pottery.
04:08Oh, is it? Oh, yeah, I always get those two mixed up.
04:10That must have been why I couldn't sell that Chippendale teapot last week.
04:14Oh, here, look at this over here, look.
04:16Look at that.
04:22It's a copy.
04:24Oh, these are nice. Look at that. These are nice.
04:27Matching pear and all.
04:28Talk about a vulture.
04:31Now, listen, Grandad, look.
04:33Trigg's grand left him these and her will, right, and all this other stuff,
04:36and he wants to sell it, right?
04:38Do you know Trigg, he's not the brightest thing in Christendom, is he, eh?
04:41I mean, I know a lot of people are born, ain't me short of a shilling,
04:43but in Trigg's case, God added VAT.
04:47Look, if he tries to take this lot uptown, he's going to get right taken on, isn't he, eh?
04:51So I reckon it's much better that he gets, well, you know,
04:54stitched up by a friend rather than a stranger.
04:56I'll put your coats in a bedroom.
05:00Fancy a drink?
05:02Dave?
05:05Well, I'll just have a small, large one, Trigg.
05:08Don't you think this is a wrong time and place to be shanting it up?
05:11No, no, of course not, eh?
05:13Oi, Trigg, what do you reckon, eh?
05:14Would your grand like to think of us, you know, standing around moping in the morning?
05:17Yeah, she'd have loved it.
05:19She was a miserable old cow.
05:22She never used to be like that, son.
05:24When she was younger, she was a real live wire.
05:27Life and soul of the party was, Alice.
05:30Yeah, I heard she was a bit of a girl.
05:32They reckon that's what helped finish my granddad off.
05:35You knew my granddad, Arthur, didn't you, Mr Trotter?
05:38Yeah, I knew Arthur all right.
05:40He was a smashy man.
05:42He took care of me when my mum went.
05:44Where was your dad?
05:45He died a couple of years before I was born.
05:52You can almost see my granddad now.
05:54Sitting by the fire.
05:56One leg on the fender.
05:58Other one in the corner.
06:03That's all right.
06:03He had a false leg, didn't he?
06:05He came off.
06:06He was a road sweeper as well.
06:10Yeah, taught you to trade, didn't he, Trigg, eh?
06:11Takes you back, doesn't it?
06:13Come on, Trigg, it's no point dwelling in the past.
06:16You've got to look towards the future, ain't you?
06:18Come on, you're going on your holidays on Tuesday, ain't you?
06:20Yeah, I'm looking forward to that, Del.
06:21I've been under a bit of pressure lately,
06:23what with grand in hospital and me case being adjourned.
06:26It'd be nice to get away from it all.
06:29I'm going to live it up a bit.
06:31Discos, nightclubs, golden beaches, blue skies.
06:35Oh, sounds great, Trigg. Where are you going?
06:37Ireland.
06:37Ireland.
06:40Grand left me a bit of money and these bits and pieces,
06:43so I ain't short of a few, Bob.
06:46Car's here.
06:48Well, just take one last look round the old place.
06:51When you think of all that's gone on in this house,
06:56me gran and granddad live in here together.
07:00What makes you go cold, don't it?
07:02No, no, come on, Trigg.
07:04Should be the opposite, shouldn't it?
07:05I mean, you must remember all the warmth and the love that they had between them.
07:08No, there weren't much of that, Del boy.
07:10They didn't talk to each other for 15 years.
07:1315 years?
07:14Well, me granddad found out that while he was away in the army,
07:17she used to have another man in the house.
07:25Did you ever hear that rumour?
07:27Me?
07:28No, son.
07:29Did he ever say who it was?
07:32Never.
07:33Wish I knew, though.
07:34I'll go and fetch our coats.
07:37They're in the bedrooms.
07:38It's up the stairs.
07:39I know where it is.
07:44That confirms it, Rodders.
07:47Yeah?
07:47Yeah.
07:49Confirms what?
07:51Well, look.
07:52See that little mark there?
07:54What?
07:54There.
07:55Oh, I can get that off.
07:58No, not there, huh?
08:01Not on there.
08:02On there, look.
08:03That little mark there.
08:04Yeah, look.
08:05That confirms that these urns are meissen.
08:09No?
08:10Yeah.
08:11No, guaranteed, brother.
08:15Meissen, eh?
08:16Yeah.
08:19What's meissen, then, Del?
08:20It was German China, innit?
08:23Mid-19th century, according to the book.
08:26Now, there was a China sale at Christie's the other week, and a couple of pieces, similar
08:29to these, not in such good condition, went for $250.
08:34These must be worth $300 of anybody's money.
08:36Well, there's a newspaper in my bedroom with an article about it.
08:39All right, I'll go and fetch it.
08:39All right, I'll go and fetch it.
08:41And, oi, you.
08:42You just keep your mitts off that, right?
08:44Got me eye on you.
08:47$300, Nicker.
08:49Don't look very valuable.
08:51Yeah, well, the best ones never do, do they?
08:53It looks like the stuff we used to win at the fair.
08:56Oi, you break that, and he'll stuff your head down a bog.
09:01Good almighty.
09:03Grand Dad, what's up with you?
09:06Just look for yourself.
09:07Look at what?
09:08What's in there?
09:13It's not a spider, is it?
09:16No.
09:23What is it?
09:24It's Arthur.
09:27Arthur?
09:29Tigger's Grand Dad, Arthur.
09:30Them's his ashes.
09:34Put the lid on, Rodney.
09:36Here.
09:39I...
09:40Bloody hell.
09:43Del!
09:44Could you come in here, please?
09:46Just sum it up with one of the urns.
09:49That soppy old git's broken it.
09:50I'll stick his head down the car's in.
09:53Well, what's up?
09:58It's Arthur's ashes.
10:00Arthur's ashes?
10:01That's the black bloke that won Wimbledon, innit?
10:07No!
10:09It's Trigger's Grand Dad, Arthur.
10:12His ashes is in that urn.
10:21Don't hit the top of the...
10:22What's the matter with you don't take the top off?
10:26What, you got in there, a genie or something?
10:28Hmm.
10:34Well, how do you know it's him?
10:36Huh?
10:36It's hardly a passport photo, is it?
10:38It's him all right, Dil?
10:40I know it's him.
10:42It's all right, all right, then.
10:44So it's him.
10:44Look, nothing to worry about, is it?
10:46Nothing to worry about.
10:47You don't know the full story, do you?
10:50You see, them rumours about me and Arthur's wife, well, they was true.
10:56But nothing happened between us, Dil.
10:58You've got to believe that.
10:59Nothing happened.
11:00Well, we was just two lonely people.
11:04Arthur was away in the army and your gran had just departed.
11:09Oh, no, Shannon died, just departed.
11:13Oh, yeah, gotcha.
11:15Well, we was just a bit of company for each other, that's all.
11:19But Arthur wouldn't believe that.
11:21Well, he wasn't as soppy as they made out, then, was he?
11:23He put a curse on me, Dil.
11:25He pointed his bony finger at me and he said,
11:27Trotter, someday, somehow, I'm going to come back and haunt you.
11:34And he had gypsy blood in him, Dil.
11:36You know what they say about a gypsy's curse?
11:40Oh, come on, you don't believe all that pony, do you?
11:43Yeah, I mean, it was a long time ago, wasn't it?
11:45You moved since then.
11:47He's never going to find you now.
11:49Oi, then again, being a gypsy, you might move around a bit, hey?
11:52He's all.
11:53Never going to find me.
11:54Look over there.
11:55He's in the same bloody room as me.
12:04Now, don't be silly, Grandad.
12:07The ghosts and all that, it's a load of rubbish, isn't it?
12:10Yeah, I mean, it's Gracie Kid stuff, isn't it?
12:14Yeah, that's right, yeah.
12:17No, no, I'm going to go to my room and get the paper, all right?
12:20Yeah.
12:20Yeah.
12:22Hmm.
12:25Who left this wooden leg out here?
12:33Don't be back, a silly-tailed boy!
12:35I mean, the thing is, Arthur, you and me used to be friends once.
13:02So, I mean, there ain't no point in holding a grudge, is there?
13:08I know what happened annoyed you.
13:10It would have annoyed me.
13:13But, well, it was a long time ago, so why don't we just let bygones be bygones, eh?
13:19Well, you'd never frighten me with all that old tosh about a curse and what I mean.
13:29I mean, I ain't the superstitious type.
13:33In fact, I don't know why I'm talking to you now.
13:36Well, I know you can't hear me, Arthur.
13:39That is what you think, Trotter.
13:51Oh, oh, Arthur?
13:55You mean you can't hear me?
13:57You're coming through louder than a CB, rubber duck.
14:05Is it forgiveness that you seek, Trotter?
14:09Well, yeah.
14:11I'm really very sorry for what's happened, Arthur.
14:16Ah, but how do I know that you mean it?
14:20Oh, I do, Arthur.
14:21I do really.
14:23I'll do anything to prove it to you, Arthur.
14:25Anything you say.
14:28All right, then.
14:29Tell me where your money's hidden.
14:34I ain't got no money.
14:37Oh, don't give me that, you lying old kid.
14:40I know you're all right for a few, Bob.
14:42I don't want to know where it is hidden.
14:46It's in me suitcase under me bed.
14:48No, ain't I looked.
14:49You've been under my bed.
14:56I've been everywhere, Trotter.
14:59I am always with you on those cold winter nights
15:04when your two grandsons, Rodney and the good-looking one, are out.
15:09Have you never felt a presence?
15:11I am the chill wind that waits you in the dead of night.
15:16I am the movement in the curtains.
15:22I am also the creaking of the floorboards.
15:29I am always with you, Trotter.
15:30I am always with you.
15:31I am always with you.
15:32I am always with you.
15:36I am always with you, Trotter.
15:38I am always with you.
15:39I am always with you.
15:40I am always with you.
15:41Even when you are alone, I am keeping you company.
15:45I am always with you, Trotter.
15:46I am always with you.
15:47I am always with you.
15:48I am always with you.
15:49I am always with you.
15:50I am always with you.
15:55What's all that about?
16:06He was here.
16:08Old Soppy here was holding a seance with his little mate, Arthur.
16:12You don't underestimate the powers of the unknown, dear boy.
16:15What I say is get them ashes out of this house.
16:17Why don't you try and get in touch with Trigger?
16:19Get him to take them away.
16:21Well, what do you think I've been trying to do all evening?
16:22I've left messages for him everywhere.
16:24Yeah, he'll be going off on a free-week holiday soon.
16:27Looks like we'll have to dispose of him ourselves, then.
16:30Yeah, looks like it.
16:32I suppose that's the least we can do, is to give him a dignified send-off.
16:35Well, anyway, we can't give anyone a dignified send-off at three o'clock in the morning.
16:40Right? So we'll do it tomorrow.
16:42You got any ideas how we're going to do it?
16:44Well, I thought we'd put him in an envelope and post him anonymously to a priest.
16:50Bowls.
16:50Well, have you got any better suggestions, then?
16:55No. Bowls.
16:57He was a lifelong member of the Peckham Bowling Club.
17:01I think he'd love to be scattered over that green.
17:05Yeah.
17:06Well, all right. That's what we'll do, then.
17:08Well, they could refuse permission.
17:10Yeah, only if we ask.
17:12Come on, Adele.
17:13You can't go merrily sprinkling someone's ashes over a bowling green without being noticed.
17:18They'll be playing on it.
17:19That is why we're going to do it at night when they're not playing on it.
17:22All right?
17:23All right. Well, I'm going back to bed.
17:25Yeah, so am I.
17:26Good night, Greg, then.
17:28Dear old boy, do you think I've made me peace with Arthur now?
17:32I mean, that were a good idea of mine about the bowling green, weren't it?
17:36I think he'd have liked that.
17:38And you heard me apologise to him, didn't you?
17:41I mean, I don't think I ain't done nothing else that could incur his wrath, have I?
17:46No. No, of course not.
17:50Mind you, there is one tiny little thing that might have upset him.
17:53What's that, Gil?
17:55Well, Arthur is over there.
17:57What are we going to do now?
18:24How should I know?
18:25Well, this was his favourite bowling club, right?
18:28It's where he spent many happy hours, right?
18:31So I'll just turn your own upside down and we'll have it weighing our toes.
18:35Hey, no, you can't just tip it upside down.
18:38It'll leave a mound.
18:39They'll think they've got moles.
18:42Scatter it evenly about whilst we sing a hymn or something.
18:48Do you know any hymns?
18:51We three kings of Orient are.
18:52We three...
18:55That is a Christmas cake.
18:57Why?
18:59Then why don't you go whole hog, you know, and sing Jingle Bells while I dance about and we sprinkle him around?
19:04Shh!
19:06Do what you want it, but hurry up.
19:09Right, I'll just say a prayer.
19:11Get down on your knees.
19:12Dear God, high up in the sky.
19:22Oh, my God.
19:24Can't see a thing, my dear.
19:51There's nothing there at all.
19:52I think you're imagining it.
19:54Bill, I assure you, I saw something.
19:57You spent...
19:58Heave to, Rodney.
20:04Heave to, this will do nicely.
20:06Well, I told you before, and I'm going to tell you again.
20:10You cannot perform a burial at sea at St. Catherine's Dock.
20:15Performing a burial at sea, am I?
20:17Performing one of them Indian ceremonies, like what they do in the Ganges.
20:20I saw it on Rick as well.
20:22Don't worry, it'll be a doddle.
20:23But his river's polluted.
20:25Well, that ain't going to upset Arthur, is it, eh?
20:27I don't know the river much, do you know I guess?
20:29Oh, look, just shut up, will you?
20:31Sit quiet for a minute.
20:34You stink sort of...
20:36religious.
20:37What are you doing?
20:46God almighty.
20:50I repeat, what are you doing?
20:58I think all for that.
20:59Have something sensible, Bill.
21:01I mean, don't go telling them we're boat people or nothing.
21:04Yeah, come on.
21:05We're Buddhists.
21:10We're scattering some remains.
21:13It's part of our religion.
21:16Have you written permission from the river authorities?
21:20Have we written permission from the river authorities?
21:23Well, of course we bloody ain't.
21:25Of course we bloody...
21:26No, I'm afraid not, officer.
21:30You can't do it then.
21:34Oh.
21:35Oh, I see.
21:37Right.
21:37Well, thank you very much for all your help.
21:41Let him get out of sight and then I'll pour it overboard.
21:43We'll escort you back to the shore.
21:50Oh, right.
21:51Thank you very much.
21:52Yeah.
21:54I think it's nice.
21:56There's never a copper around when you need one.
21:59The sods are always there when you don't need them.
22:03Full of head boat, wouldn't you?
22:04Magic, ain't they?
22:23The old Irish tumble dryer.
22:25Yeah.
22:30Oi.
22:32You weren't, were you?
22:33Of course I weren't.
22:35What do you think I am, a philistine or something?
22:40Could be a sign, you know.
22:42What?
22:43Our failure to get rid of the contents of that urn.
22:46It could be a sign that we didn't ought to dabble in that sort of thing.
22:50What are you going on about?
22:51Well, look, we're walking straight into the unknown here, aren't we?
22:55I mean, you don't know what strange dark powers we might evoke.
22:59Oh, give over, you tart.
23:02What do you think?
23:02The bogeymen are going to come round and get us in our flat.
23:05If they do, they'll be too knackered to do any haunting.
23:08Them lifts are broken down again.
23:11Yeah, well, as far as I'm concerned, Del, you can scrub round it, all right?
23:16Give your ears to the church jumble sale or something.
23:18I've washed me hands of them.
23:21Rodders, listen.
23:22Now, don't be a plonker.
23:23They're worth 300 quid.
23:25And you don't go giving our national treasures the jumble sales, do you?
23:30Eh?
23:30I mean, just think what we could do with 300 quid, eh?
23:34Get a nice new sous each.
23:38Get you a nice pair of dungarees.
23:45That thing's just sucked up our urn.
23:47Oi!
23:49Oi!
23:52Oi!
23:53Oi!
23:54Oi!
23:55Stop!
23:56Oi!
23:57You've sucked up our urn!
23:59Our urn?
24:00Oh, my God.
24:01What was he, a little kin?
24:04Is he winding me up or what?
24:05No, he just don't understand.
24:07Look, it's not urn as in urn, eh?
24:09It's urn as in, you know, grecian.
24:12Ah.
24:13Well, I thought there was something blocking me tubes.
24:16Blocking's tubes permanently.
24:19Come on, then.
24:21Come on, then.
24:23Is it there?
24:25Yeah.
24:25Ernie?
24:26Oh, there's it.
24:27Oh, I never see you.
24:28Oh.
24:29That's it.
24:30Yeah, thanks.
24:30There you go.
24:31Right.
24:31And be more careful where you leave, you blimmin' grecian urns in future.
24:36I'll have a union in on this, I will.
24:40Oh, my God, it's empty.
24:42It's empty.
24:46Half has been sucked up into that thing.
24:50It wasn't our fault, though, was it, Rodgers?
24:52Eh?
24:54No.
24:54No, it was a complete accident, Del.
24:57Totally beyond our control.
24:58There's no need for us to reproach ourselves, is there?
25:02No, no, no, there isn't.
25:05Must have been an act of God.
25:08I mean, don't you see the poetic irony of it?
25:11Well, Arthur used to be a road sweeper.
25:14To him, this must be like a Viking's burial.
25:28Maybe he would have wanted it like this.
25:33Maybe.
25:36I doubt it, but maybe.
25:47Now, hang on.
25:48He's just coming in now.
25:50Del boy, it's for you.
25:51Who is it?
25:52Trigger.
25:52Trigger.
25:55Trigger?
25:55What's he want?
25:56He said you'd been leaving messages for him to phone you.
26:00Yeah, I know, I had.
26:01That's when I wanted him to have his grandad's ashes back.
26:03But we've got rid of them now.
26:05Here, supposing he wants them, you know,
26:07wants them back after he comes back off holiday.
26:09He wants me to keep them.
26:10What am I going to say?
26:12Er, well, you just say,
26:16oh, you think the summit.
26:18Oh, yes.
26:19Thank you very much, Rodney.
26:21Oh, and thank you.
26:22You're a great help.
26:24Git.
26:27Oh, Trig.
26:28How's it going, my son?
26:30Yeah?
26:31What's the weather like?
26:33Oh, foggy, is it?
26:34Well, it's a bit misty here.
26:35Yeah.
26:36Where are you?
26:37You're fog-bound at Gatwick Airport.
26:41He's still here.
26:42He could get in a cab and come back for it, couldn't he?
26:45Er, yeah.
26:46Well, Trig, the thing is,
26:48look, we've got a bit of a problem.
26:49Yeah, and it's a bit delicate, so...
26:53Well, you know, I'd brace yourself if I were you.
26:56Yeah.
26:57Well, you remember them urns that I had off you, huh?
27:00Yeah, well, you see,
27:01I was just sort of cleaning them up, like,
27:03to get them ready to go to the Boy Scouts bring-em-by sale.
27:07And, er...
27:09Well, I...
27:10I found your grandad's ashes in one of them.
27:14Yeah, and I wondered what you wanted me to do with them.
27:17Yeah, well, this is the problem, innit?
27:19I mean, what do you do with them?
27:22Um, look, why don't you leave it up to me, Trig?
27:25Eh?
27:26Of course it would be a respectable and dignified ceremony.
27:33Yep.
27:34Yeah, good boy.
27:35Well, you know it makes sense.
27:39Yeah.
27:40Eh?
27:42Well, it must be your grandad's...
27:43No, I didn't know that.
27:51No.
27:52No, nobody told me.
27:56Right.
27:56You have a nice time, Trig,
27:58and I'll see you when you get back, all right?
27:59Something you forgot to tell me,
28:14weren't there, grandad?
28:15What's that, dear boy?
28:20Trigger's nan was married twice.
28:22Oh, no.
28:23No.
28:23Oh, no.
28:53Black or white, rich or poor, we'll make up prices and a straw.
29:02God bless cookie stream, fever cookie stream, long live cookie stream.
29:10Same and defeat cookie stream, and defeat cookie stream.
29:16Cookie stream, cookie stream, cookie stream.