- 4 hours ago
Tv, Facejacker S02E03
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I have to be very quick now as I have to get a plane to Philadelphia, as I have won yet another competition.
00:29Retracing the steps of the famous boxing film, Rocky.
00:34Excuse me. Hello. Hello. I'm in with a tour. Sorry?
00:38Where are you visiting from? From London.
00:40From London? Welcome. I'm Ernest from Philadelphia. I'm going to be here.
00:43Hello. Nice to meet you, De Freyze.
00:50What's taking so long, please? Hello? What's happening, please?
00:56It's not working. It's bloody useless, isn't it? It's not working.
01:00Please, the tour's about to start. Well, it's not going to start without me because I'm driving.
01:05There's no need to shout. Hello?
01:09Will you wait a minute? Are you trying to fix this?
01:12There's no need to be rude, sir.
01:14You don't need to ask questions either.
01:16What a rude man you are.
01:18Hello.
01:19She's looking for the Windsor.
01:21Windsor Hotel?
01:22Windsor Hotel.
01:23Yes.
01:24I'm sorry, I don't live in this country. If I did, I still wouldn't probably know. It sounds like a very cheap hotel.
01:28Okay, thanks.
01:30We have another trolley coming.
01:31Another trolley?
01:32Yes.
01:33Right, then how long will that take, please?
01:35I don't know.
01:36The time is now 10.40 in the morning. This tour was scheduled to set off 10 minutes and 44 seconds ago.
01:4245 seconds ago.
01:43You're right.
01:4446 seconds ago.
01:45You're right.
01:4647 seconds ago.
01:47You're right.
01:48When they get here, they get here. It depends on the traffic. They're four miles away.
01:52Excuses, excuses.
01:53But if you don't like it, don't take the tour.
01:56No, I will take the tour. I will take the tour. I'm also reviewing this tour. And I'm reviewing you, sir.
02:02Enormous buttocks.
02:06I've just spoken to the driver for the third time. And for the third time, I have been stonewalled.
02:13The man clearly has no clue as to who he is or why he's here. I have an idea why he's here.
02:19It's to eat vast amounts of food and then shit it back out of his arse.
02:24I just love the shape of my body.
02:26Oh, yeah.
02:27That's too bad.
02:28I like your style.
02:29You're so cheeky.
02:30That's a bad, but it's always sauce.
02:32Why not?
02:33No, you cannot have this.
02:35That was disgusting.
02:37The city of San Francisco is proud to present
02:40Go, Go, Go, Go Cars.
02:44The Ultima Dentour Guide Technology.
02:47Voice activated.
02:49And GPS accurate to one thousandth of a mile.
02:52Thanks to our eye in the sky.
02:56Welcome to Go Car.
02:58Let's go.
02:59Go Car activate.
03:01Go Car activated.
03:02Please state where you wish the Go Car system to take you today.
03:07I want to go to Lombard Street.
03:09Calculating your journey to Chinatown.
03:12Is that correct?
03:13No.
03:14No, that's not correct.
03:16Market Street.
03:18Victor Market.
03:19Calculating your journey to New York City.
03:23Please take the 101 to New York City via Las Vegas.
03:28Las Vegas.
03:29Estimated arrival time, two weeks Wednesday.
03:32Two weeks.
03:33Oh, go Car, take me to Lombard Street.
03:36Calculating your journey to Paris, France.
03:40Is that correct.
03:41No.
03:42No.
03:48And so my journey brings me to the beast ghost of America.
03:51Buoyuck.
03:53Also known as the Big Brample.
03:56Brian! Hello!
03:58I, Brian, am here with another Brian
04:02to learn about the art of poetry.
04:06We may as well sit down and have a seat.
04:09The point is to produce a moving piece of literature
04:12that you can share with people.
04:13I want you to write about the day that everything changed.
04:17Be real, be sincere, and speak from the heart.
04:20Boo!
04:23The day that everything changed,
04:26I was seven years old.
04:29And the rest?
04:31That's it.
04:32That's pretty pathetic.
04:33Let's get down to what this, you know, brass tacks,
04:35and let's write a poem.
04:37What happened when you were seven?
04:39Every morning at about 7.30,
04:44postman would come and deliver our mail.
04:49He was quite handsome, you know.
04:51He had a shocking wedge of red hair,
04:54and he used to wear his cap and these round spectacles.
04:58What did the postman do?
05:00He was a fucking postman, wasn't he?
05:02Oh, yeah, that's... yeah.
05:03I suppose his most distinctive feature was his nose.
05:07It was large, almost phallic.
05:12And I remember very distinctly being baroused by it.
05:22Our postman, Pat.
05:28Why did everything change because of Pat?
05:33Because when I saw Pat deliver that post,
05:39I knew I was gay.
05:45Okay.
05:47That's what I want to hear.
05:52So now...
05:53He had a black and white cat also.
05:54Oh, I bet he did.
05:55Yeah.
05:56I like a mountain.
05:57I like a mountain.
05:58Oh, yeah!
05:59I like a mountain.
06:00It's fun.
06:01Good morning.
06:03Welcome to Philadelphia, everybody.
06:05We are now on our way.
06:07You see the blue bridge on your left?
06:10No, where?
06:11A little blue bridge.
06:12Where, where?
06:13I don't see it.
06:14It's gonna clear the tree.
06:15I don't see a bridge.
06:16The little blue bridge.
06:17I don't see a little blue bridge.
06:18Where's the bridge?
06:19Can you guys see the blue bridge?
06:20I don't see the blue bridge.
06:21Wait, I can't see the bridge.
06:22Where's the bridge?
06:23Where's the bridge?
06:24I can't see it.
06:25He's driving too fast.
06:26I can't see anything.
06:27Slow down a bit, please.
06:28I can't see anything that he's trying to point out.
06:30All I've seen is a motorway and an enormous fat man bouncing up and down on the chair.
06:34How about San Francisco?
06:40Yes, yes indeed.
06:41Boom.
06:43Gradient detected.
06:44Gradient detected.
06:46Keep going, go car.
06:47You can make it.
06:48Keep going, go car.
06:50Say go car.
06:51Go car.
06:52Go car.
06:53Go car.
06:54Go car.
06:55Give as much gas as you can, otherwise you won't make it.
06:58Your go car is losing power.
07:01Take evasive action.
07:03Get out of your go car.
07:045.
07:056.
07:068.
07:077.
07:08Yeah.
07:092.
07:102.
07:113.
07:123.
07:134.
07:144.
07:154.
07:165.
07:175.
07:185.
07:195.
07:205.
07:215.
07:225.
07:235.
07:245.
07:255.
07:265.
07:275.
07:285.
07:295.
07:305.
07:315.
07:32I'll go into my room.
07:33I'll be right here.
07:34Okay, great.
07:35Go into your writing shack and you'll be fine.
07:36Yep.
07:37I believe in you.
07:38Hold your head up.
07:39Let's be confident about this.
07:41There we go.
07:43Okay.
07:44Brian, I can't.
07:45I can't.
07:46Yeah, you're gonna have to.
07:47No, I can't.
07:48No, well, we're gonna have to.
07:49I can't.
07:50I've destroyed it now.
07:51How about you haven't destroyed it?
07:52It's perfectly readable.
07:53Just hand it over.
07:59Postman Pat.
08:01Postman Pat.
08:03Postman Pat and his black and white cat.
08:06All the birds are singing.
08:08The day is just beginning.
08:10Pat feels he's a really happy man.
08:15Okay.
08:16Here's the problem.
08:17You're hanging on about the cat and the birds again.
08:20The birds were singing.
08:22I'm sure they were, but that's not the point.
08:24No one cares if the birds were singing, Brian.
08:26I care.
08:27I remember.
08:28It's my memory.
08:29The problem is we need you to write a poem.
08:31I just did write a poem.
08:32I did what you said.
08:33You wrote about birds and cats.
08:34The day it changed.
08:35It changed that day.
08:36I saw him.
08:37Pat.
08:38Postman Pat.
08:39He came to the door.
08:40He was there.
08:41This big nose is like a cock.
08:42And I want so badly to know more about Pat and his cock.
08:45Postman Pat's cat shatter on my hat.
08:48Oh, isn't that nice?
08:50Are we there yet, driver?
08:51I hope you guys got strong ankles.
08:53Because you know ice skating has a lot to do with your ankles.
08:56And what am I supposed to do exactly?
08:59I couldn't answer that.
09:01I waited 45 minutes and you've driven me to an ice rink.
09:05Sir, do I look like an ice skater to you?
09:07There's an ice rink.
09:08Oh, you just passed it, Bill.
09:10Well done, driver Bill.
09:11That's what I'm doing.
09:12Oh, here he comes.
09:13Forest Lump.
09:14Timber.
09:15This is fucking shit, isn't it?
09:16Fuck it.
09:17This is very good.
09:18Who would like to dance with me?
09:20Oh, look, it's Torval and Dean.
09:21Hello.
09:22You're highly skilled.
09:23Oh, look.
09:24You're highly skilled.
09:25Oh, look.
09:26Oh, look.
09:27Oh, look.
09:28Oh, look.
09:29Oh, look.
09:30Oh, look.
09:31Oh, look.
09:32Oh, look.
09:33Oh, look.
09:34Oh, look.
09:35Oh, look.
09:36Oh, look.
09:37Oh, look.
09:38Oh, look.
09:39Oh, look.
09:40Oh, look, you can come on board.
09:41Everyone see the tour guide, please?
09:44Adrian.
09:47Adrian.
09:48Adrian.
09:54Oh, shit.
09:57Oh, shit.
09:58How long are we having wide around on the ice for, please?
10:00Well, I mean, ten more minutes at the most.
10:03Ten more minutes?
10:04At the most.
10:05You know the temperature of the room in here?
10:07No, I didn't go in here.
10:09the measurement of the temperature of this space is eight degrees celsius if i have to sit here for
10:15any longer i will get hypothermia in my feet but i cannot feel my feet therefore i will not know
10:20that i've caught hypothermia until it's moved up to my knees if it's moved up to my knees i shall
10:24have to have a double amputation yeah well come on out then sir if it's too cold thank you
10:31that's a nice tune you're whistling
10:32fuck those sing us a song brian they call me brian actually dumb we have a task here and it
10:44is my job to get you to produce something with meaning and feeling and then show you how to say
10:50how can i trust you i gave you a slice of my soul you did in your conversation not here what you
10:55told me no it's not the birds and the cats are on the page i need you to write those feelings i want
11:01to know about what it made you feel that's what i want to know i told you i'd made me you told me
11:05you didn't write it horny it made me randy so write about the rain i didn't even go to school that day
11:10i went to the bike shed and yeah what'd you do i think we all know what you did i would like to
11:16know about that this is awful you were right to crumple it up what we what we need to do is actually
11:21write what we feel i'm going to send you back to your shed surprise surprise surprise
11:31lombard street straight ahead in your go car continue right right turn right and turn right
11:40recalculating go car recalculating tell me to turn right to left please turn right at the next
11:47available left turn please turn right turn left turn left i wasn't in a left turn man turn left
11:58then turn straight four miles turn straight remember san francisco literally means city of waves
12:08so if you see someone wave and say have a san fran day have a san fran day
12:16the car told us to say where the hell's lombard street lombard street straight ahead
12:24congratulations you've arrived at lombard street one of the finest streets in the entire world
12:30lombard street welcomes you welcome to lombard street look around there's a sea the sun the golden
12:41gate bridge you are now leaving lombard street are we there yet the answer is no and the gym was right
12:52up there on your left after that next stop sign right right yeah that's that's seven blocks and a
12:58left turn pass another two blocks that's nine blocks not the three blocks that you stated earlier
13:04on six blocks ago uh driver what's that thing there uh door please bill driver hello driver i'm not gonna
13:13let him get to me i'm not gonna let him get to me i'm not gonna let him get to me excuse me driver
13:20hello hello driver hello excuse me i have attempted to get the driver's attention now for the last 18 and
13:32a half seconds i've been ignored i shall try and get his attention again driver hello driver hello hello
13:42hello hello driver hello driver hello driver
13:49if you ain't got the bonus you know i get the bonus yes yes yes yes yes
13:59yes cleaning the bikes for mr bodice dusting the tracks for mr bodice you need a bicycle yeah yes the system is
14:11done at the moment you just have to dial this number and they will release one from head office very
14:17quick and simple which one did you want say i'll give it a nice clean for you yeah i'm gonna
14:22have this one yeah this one oh this one excellent sir good choice
14:29uh hello second higher can i help you get an invite for me yes certainly sir could i just take
14:35some details from your place sir yeah yes okay did you have a major credit card sir what a major credit
14:44card sir i don't i don't i don't i've got a membership uh yes i know sir but to locate locate your
14:51account we just need a major credit card if i could just take the the long number on the front of the
14:56credit card followed by the expiry date sir i know sir but what i'm saying sir is i just need a
15:06the credit card number please well you've got the card number if i give you my membership number well
15:10basically sir there has been a terrible accident involving the person that was in charge of looking
15:15after all of the the the the numbers the membership numbers that unfortunately he was a uh he has died
15:21uh so it's going to take a bit of time to exhume his body and find out what the password was for
15:27the computer that he kept all of the membership numbers inside sir hello sir where keeps my body's
15:35johnson then hang up out hang up out how do you want there's no sorry in this one absolute and utter
15:41disgrace i'd like to make a complaint please two minutes it's supposed to wait in two minutes nothing to
15:47say in two minutes minute and 20 seconds hold on oh this is wonderful
15:58can you read it to me i think this is i have to yeah i think you do can you please thank you thank
16:02you very much seven years young not yet hung pat's nose cock
16:12cock cock nose nice now please
16:25um what's wrong with that see now that's that's a step in the right direction really
16:30definitely a step in the right direction but it's still that's good still kind of sucks but
16:34we're making progress okay but what i thought writing a poem was supposed to be cathartic
16:38and this will be to make you feel better oh i've got to take a big promotion on a page yeah if you
16:44want to get into a game where we waste each other's time we can do that i can write about nose cocks all
16:47day as well but what i'd really like to accomplish with you is actually put something down that has
16:51meaning but do you want me to write about cocks and no i don't i want you to write about your feelings
16:55about the feelings inspired by cocks not the cocks fine i'll do that then if you if you're gonna come
17:01back here with just stay there get in a little car and go up to
17:06midtown don't you talk to me like that don't talk to me like that you're 30 years younger than i am
17:12five flights a day leave to wherever your airport is this is not the way to treat it just write the
17:16poem holy christ dude totally breaking my balls use your emotional shovel or something
17:26stuck on pat i don't want to hear about birds or any of that so please what about the cat what no
17:34no animals unless no no animals at all at all oh i'm going to take a picture of my
17:43oh my god look at that so big and i'm going to send it to you go-kart activate where would you
18:03wish the go-kart to take you go-kart go home go-kart go home go-kart is calculating your journey to
18:10the golden gate park is that correct no go-kart activate go-kart activate go-kart go home where
18:18do you wish to go today go home go-kart calculating the genius system is currently having a little bit
18:25of trouble do not continue down this road this road is a one-way street do not continue down this road
18:37the authorities have been notified where do you wish the go-kart to take you today go base go-kart go
18:46home you wish the go-kart to take you back to base is that right it's correct yes
18:57on your way home would you like to know more about san francisco
19:00yeah no no are you sure yes yes have a nice day
19:13excuse me come through now please thank you so come on and let's go punch some beef like rocky did
19:18right so where are we going now we're going to punch some beefs right i hope it's beef sorry uh and
19:25This is the house of pork they're probably gonna punch a pig a pig yeah, and it's
19:34Perhaps I did not explain this to you, but I'm I'm Jewish. Oh
19:38But you didn't tell me that earlier
19:40Yes, I know, but they didn't punch a pig in Rocky did that a bunch of fucking cow
19:45Pigs in there. I understand totally your point and you are
19:55That would not be offensive to anybody
19:57As a Jew
19:58This is offensive to you, and I understand that
20:00As a Jew
20:01You're absolutely right
20:03Well, maybe I could punch a pig in revenge
20:06Are you really gonna do it?
20:08Yes, yes, yes
20:09No, come on, don't do it
20:10Rocky would have done it, wouldn't he?
20:11No, don't do it
20:12I'm going in
20:13If it's offensive to you, please don't do it
20:14No, I'm going in
20:15Show me to the pig
20:16The pig is going to pay
20:18All right
20:19Revenge
20:20Revenge
20:21Revenge
20:22Which one do I punch?
20:23Which pig do I punch?
20:24We think that you punch
20:25Where it hits back
20:26There you go
20:27Look at that
20:28You're going to let her show you up like that man
20:30Come on
20:31You got your wife and kids with you
20:32Oh
20:33That's what I'm talking about
20:35Satoyolemayo
20:36Satoyoshitsu
20:38That's what I'm talking about
20:39Kakioda
20:40Sanoyei
20:41Satoyei
20:42Kiyatu
20:43Tenderizer
20:44Tenderizer
20:45Tenderizer
20:47Tenderizer
20:48I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, guys
20:49Slow down, man
20:50Out the door and back towards the door
20:51I need the sanitation towel, please
20:52Hi
20:53Hi, honey, I'm home
20:54Woo
20:55I deal with 17-year-old girls
20:57Who can do this better
20:58I beg your pardon
20:59Don't threaten me
21:00It's my job
21:02Great
21:03Let's say you got a minute left
21:04So pull it together
21:05Okay, fine
21:06And ask
21:07And if you come back with bullshit, we're done
21:08So make sure you do it right this time
21:09Okay, fine
21:10Yeah, okay
21:11That's probably a good idea to do it properly
21:12Fucking hell
21:13Because you're fucking killing me right now
21:14What happened?
21:15What's going on?
21:16What's going on?
21:17Wait till you see this
21:18Talking about a dude's nose
21:19Looking like a cock
21:20For the last
21:21Whatever of my life
21:23Are you alright back there?
21:24Yes, I'm done
21:26You know we belong together
21:30You and I forever and ever
21:34No matter where you are
21:38You're my guiding star
21:41Isn't that the lyrics to a song?
21:43Sorry?
21:44What's wrong with that?
21:46Uh, it's heinous
21:48And I think you're actually interested in wasting my day
21:51I'm done
21:52What the fuck did I get myself into?
21:54Guy's a fucking joke
21:56Talking about cocks and balls, man
22:00Has anybody ever seen Stallone in person?
22:02Yes, I have, yes
22:03He's a short, stocky guy, isn't he?
22:05Yes, yes
22:06So this exaggerates the size of Sylvester Stallone
22:09Terrible breath as well, I felt
22:11A terrible what now?
22:12His breath was rancid
22:13Guys, is anybody gonna run up to the top of the steps
22:16And get a photo?
22:17I gotta go
22:18Don't leave me
22:19They told me I gotta go up there
22:20Don't leave me
22:21But they told me I gotta go
22:22Carry me to the top
22:23Oh, now you know I can't do that
22:26You know I can't do that
22:27Why not?
22:28Why not?
22:29Cause I don't have the strength
22:31Of course you've got the strength
22:32Now I'll tell you I can compromise
22:34Think of Rocky, what would Rocky do?
22:35I can compromise
22:36If you meet me around the edge here
22:38We can get halfway up at least
22:40Halfway is no good
22:41I understand your point too
22:42It's all or nothing
22:43Man, you sound like Rocky
22:45Don't leave me
22:46I gotta go to the top
22:47You're leaving me
22:48I gotta go to the top
22:50And you know I do
22:51You said that you'd take me to the top
22:52And now you're leaving me at the bottom
22:53I told you
22:54The bottom of the stairs
22:56It's embarrassing
22:57Don't leave me
22:58I'm coming
22:59I'm only gonna go right here
23:00I'm only gonna go right here
23:02I'm only gonna go right here
23:03And come right back down
23:04He told me I gotta go to the top
23:05Honest
23:06Honest
23:07Honest
23:08Honest
23:09Honest
23:10Honest
23:11Honest
23:12Honest
23:13Honest
23:14I'll be back
23:15Honest
23:16Honest
23:17Honest
23:18Honest
23:19Alright, where my Rocky are, folks?
23:21Honest
23:22But they're not even up here
23:23Fucking hell
23:24Rocky to all my tits
23:25Fucking Rocky rubbish
23:26Shit film anyway
23:27One of them was shit
23:28One, two, three, four, five, and six
23:29One, two, three, four, five, and six
23:31The Rocky rubbish shit film anyway
23:33One of them was shit
23:34One, two, three, four, five, and six
23:35One, two, three, four, five, and six
Recommended
25:00
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