- 2 hours ago
Tv, Facejacker S02E05
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FunTranscript
00:00and so my journey through Bamerica brings me to the birthplace of one of my
00:24ball-time bureaus. Bandy! Bandy Borehole. What better place to start our journey through Bandy's
00:33Borehole than here at Bandy's own childhood home. Jesse. Hello. Brian Badondi, lovely to meet you.
00:42Lovely to meet you. How are you? I'm doing well. Excellent, excellent. Um, we are here on the
00:48porch of Bandy Borehole's very childhood residence. Bandy Borehole? Sorry? I'm sorry? Bandy Borehole?
00:59The extent of where you can go is actually just outside the exterior in the porch because the
01:04family has strict policies about people shooting inside the house. Sorry, we're not allowed in the
01:10house. Yeah. Just outside. Just right here. No. Not. Not beyond the door here, no. Why wasn't
01:20I told of this? These houses are quite similar, aren't they? Yeah, the whole row here. They're
01:25all, um, identical. Yeah. Okay, come on. Plan B. Hello? Well, you're there. I was wondering if I could ask a
01:33little favor. I'm here in Pittsburgh for a day. We need this shot. Otherwise, there is no documentary.
01:38And if there is no documentary, there is no more career for me. You, you can do it. No. Yes, you. Can I just speak to you for a second?
01:45I'm sorry. I really... Listen, listen. Uncle Brian works with some very important people. And if Uncle Brian were to tell those people that Uncle
01:55Brian found someone to help them, then those people would reward Uncle Brian's new special friend very generously.
02:02What do you want for me to do? I just want you to show me around the house and pretend that it's Andy's house.
02:09Hello. How are you? Good. How are you? Very nice to meet you. Brian Bedondi. Now, how long did Andy live in this house for?
02:17Ever. You've got an idea.
02:20Twenty years. Twenty years. There was no wallpaper here, was there? It was, it was sketches. It was paintings and splatter marks. And what else was here apart from the canvases?
02:31Cans of soup. Cans of soup. Cans of soup. Soup, soup, soup. Look around for soup. See if you can find any soup anywhere. There must be soup in this kitchen.
02:46This can belong to Andy himself. Now, how much would this can of soup be worth? You added value, didn't you?
02:53Oh, yes. Um, it was valued at... $300,000? $300,000?
03:01Yes. Bleh.
03:03And so, our tour of Bandy's former childhood home. And so, our tour has come to an end. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
03:21Great. Brilliant. Okay. I'll pay you the money and let's get the f**k out of here.
03:27F-f-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine-fine.
03:29I would like to come full now, please!
03:32I was about to catch my flight and it seems that I have won yet another competition.
03:44I shall be attending a Star Wars themed porn shoot.
03:49I would be excited about this however my lightsaber hasn't seen much action of late.
03:53Because of any water sorry, I'm at this very dry and I can taste my own breath in my mouth.
04:00I may have to scrape my tongue.
04:01Thank you very much.
04:02Good thing I'm not very thirsty.
04:06So right now, our department is over here.
04:09Very cold, very cold.
04:10Shooting pains in my teeth.
04:11Through to my gums.
04:12Gum disease.
04:13Yeah.
04:14I'll get you.
04:15My dentist, he's advised me to vocalize the knee and dental pain that I might have.
04:18Okay.
04:19If you vocalize it and describe exactly what's happening then it's a cathartic kind of expression
04:24that takes away the way to use it in gum food.
04:26Someone hits you and you go, ouch.
04:27It's like, ouch, it hurts and broken my rib.
04:29Okay.
04:30You say that and suddenly the pain is gone.
04:31And who is playing Chewbacca?
04:34Dick Chibbles.
04:35Dick Chibbles.
04:36I did wonder what Chewbacca's penis looks like.
04:38Hello there.
04:39How are you?
04:40How's it going?
04:41Your face?
04:42Your dick?
04:43Yeah.
04:44I did mention to the other gentleman I just wanted to know about Chewbacca's penis really
04:48whether it's as furry as the rest of you.
04:50Yeah.
04:51No, I actually shaved that.
04:52Oh really?
04:53It's more like a dog's lipstick I suppose.
04:55Oh look.
04:56Max Factor.
04:57Because I'm worth it.
05:00Clearly not.
05:01That was a bit, that was a bit world one.
05:03Yes indeed.
05:04Like, like a ray.
05:05Oh shut up.
05:06Shut up.
05:07Back in North London reformed convict Ray Fakadakis is adjusting well to the world outside of
05:13prison.
05:14Short top and side, innit?
05:15Leave the back.
05:16Leave the back, yeah.
05:17Always leave the back.
05:18Ray has found that he is able to connect with young people.
05:21Far post!
05:22Oh shit.
05:23Bit out of practice like.
05:25Ray believes that his unique motivational style can bring the best out of young people.
05:31Keeping the positive.
05:32Avoid the negative.
05:33Don't look backwards.
05:34Look.
05:35Forward.
05:36That's right.
05:37Don't look to the side.
05:38Look.
05:39Up.
05:40And don't look down.
05:41Look.
05:42Sideways.
05:43Over your shoulder.
05:44Well how about just look up?
05:46No but you're doing that already like.
05:48Oh.
05:49It's when you're looking down again.
05:50Oh okay.
05:51Because you can't look up forever like you know your eyes get stuck there.
05:52Yeah.
05:53People think you're blind or something like that.
05:54You know just like.
05:55You can't go to like the cinema and that if you're blind you know.
05:57You can't wash.
05:58You can just use it.
05:59You can't.
06:00And they've got that thing now there that describes what's going on.
06:03That's no fucking fun.
06:05Imagine watching Basic Instinct with that going on in the fucking background like.
06:09I don't want you to tell me that Sharon Stone's just uncrossed her legs.
06:14Showing a bit of muff and then crossed her legs again like.
06:17I just want to see that.
06:18I want to be up close and personal with that.
06:20Yeah.
06:21She's got a great muff mate.
06:23M-O-A-I-E-S.
06:25M-O-A-I-E-S.
06:26It's not my name.
06:28I know what to fucking spell like.
06:30Ooh.
06:31Hello.
06:32I just wanted to talk to you about a script that I've written.
06:37Okay.
06:38And a female lead.
06:39It's a straight role.
06:40Well not exactly, I mean she's a lesbian.
06:43It's called the floater.
06:46But basically it's a crime thriller.
06:49She's a female detective.
06:51She deals only in drownings.
06:54And these are called floaters.
06:55So she's basically trying to get to the bottom of who left the floater.
06:59Do you like the dental whore?
07:02The hygienist?
07:03Do you like food?
07:05Sure.
07:05Okay, this one's called plums.
07:08Do you think you might be able to read them by, say, 6 o'clock tonight?
07:12No.
07:127 o'clock?
07:13No.
07:148 o'clock?
07:14No.
07:1510 o'clock?
07:15No.
07:16Is it something you've been interested in, maybe?
07:18Do you think?
07:19No.
07:19I could always rewrite it with more cocks.
07:24Vakka-dakka-dakka-dakka-dakka-dakka-dakka-dakka-dakka-dakka.
07:26I just farted.
07:29Now, have you got no hobbies apart from trickling?
07:32Sports climbing and parachuting.
07:36Parachuting?
07:38Out of an airplane, like.
07:40Were you not shit scared or nothing?
07:42Why not?
07:43Heists I'm not afraid of.
07:45Not afraid of heists, mate.
07:46you know what I'm thinking mate
07:50you like going up high
07:53mate
07:54window cleaning mate
07:59it's perfect
08:01it'll be good
08:03have you got a bucket like
08:05what about sponges you got sponges in that
08:08you're going to need a big fucking sponge
08:10so I've got to get you a bucket
08:11I like making videos myself
08:13making videos like
08:15what kind of videos do you create
08:18because I'm a producer
08:19because my friend John right
08:21he makes some funny videos like
08:23he gets these girls right
08:25from down the pub
08:27and they go to his right and then he gets
08:29them to do like things like and he
08:31records this on his phone like
08:33and then he uploads it onto the
08:35internet right and makes a lot of
08:37fucking money mate
08:38is that the kind of stuff you do mate
08:40it fucking is isn't it mate
08:43kareem of algeria coming into his
08:46hareen like
08:47take a look at the size of my tagine
08:49like
08:49that's what you're up to isn't it mate
08:51you wonder what you wonder what you
08:52wonder what's it
08:53no
08:53you wonder what you wonder what's it
08:55you wonder what you wonder what you
08:56wonder what
08:56you wonder what's it
08:56oh yeah
08:57well you're darn getting
08:58No journey through Bandy's borehole would be complete without experiencing his most iconic technique.
09:07The BART of screen printing.
09:11Your lights are underneath.
09:13So the lights are going to shoot up through everything that's white.
09:16What's this called, sorry?
09:17This is your exposure unit?
09:19All right.
09:20Exposure unit.
09:21This looks very much like the exposure unit.
09:24It is?
09:25Yes, right.
09:26Ladies and gentlemen, Matt shall now wet the image.
09:31On the surface.
09:33Not yet!
09:34Ladies and gentlemen, Matt shall now wet the image.
09:38Not yet!
09:40Matt shall now wet the image.
09:45Although it looks like a blank piece of purple paper,
09:51hidden behind it are the very details that make my face one of the most recognizable in all the world.
10:01Take it away.
10:04Can I do something?
10:05Sure.
10:06I can feel you.
10:07You're good.
10:08You're all done.
10:09Black.
10:10Black.
10:11Black.
10:12Black.
10:13Black.
10:14Black.
10:15Black.
10:16Black.
10:17Black.
10:18Black.
10:19Black.
10:20Black.
10:21Black.
10:22Black.
10:23So now you're going to do the same exact thing, like you're going to push a lot harder.
10:25I think you're good.
10:26There you are.
10:27Black!
10:28How does it look?
10:29It's me.
10:30It's.
10:31It's Brown.
10:32Do you think Brandy would have liked it?
10:33I do.
10:34Do you think that Brandy would have liked me.
10:35Sure.
10:36Do you think Brandy would have thought I was talented, like him?
10:41Do you think Bandy would have liked it?
10:43I do.
10:44Do you think Bandy would have liked me?
10:47Sure.
10:48Do you think Bandy would have thought I was talented like him?
10:53I don't know about that.
10:56What do you mean?
10:58I don't know.
11:00Just say the word sure.
11:02Sure.
11:03Cut around that last bit.
11:06What do you do exactly?
11:16I write for a website called geekscape.net.
11:19Oh, really?
11:20It's a nerd website.
11:21I know what website it is.
11:23Oh, oh.
11:24Yes, yes.
11:25I've subscribed to it.
11:26Oh, awesome.
11:27Yes.
11:28Glad to meet one of our members.
11:29No, I'm not a member anymore, I'm afraid.
11:31I cancel my subscription.
11:33Why did you leave?
11:37Why is that leave?
11:38Yeah, why did you leave the site?
11:39Full of geeks.
11:40Well, yeah.
11:42We're called Geekscape.
11:43I thought we were escaping from geeks.
11:45No, we want to keep you a geek.
11:47Then what were you escaping from?
11:49I don't know.
11:50Our sad lives?
11:51Good luck.
11:52Oh.
11:57Go England.
11:58Love Doctor Who.
11:59That's a pile of shit too.
12:01Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
12:02Do you know where might be able to pick up some crack?
12:07The buttock variety.
12:10It is about art.
12:12It is about passion.
12:14It is about the photography of the fast food.
12:18I return to this wonderful place.
12:21Why?
12:22To re-photograph the banana split.
12:25As a chef, we are also le merderere.
12:30Sorry.
12:31Sorry.
12:32Le merderere?
12:33I don't know what's that.
12:34Le merderere.
12:35We do the merderere.
12:36We do the merderere.
12:37I don't know what's that.
12:38Give me the banana.
12:39Hello little banana.
12:40Go the man who is le man who is le man.
12:43Do you know where might be the man who is le man?
12:45Where are the mar idean?
12:46Where are the mar idean?
12:47Where is the mar idean?
12:48The mar idean?
12:49Where did you go?
12:50The mar idean?
12:51Oh!
12:52What did you go?
12:53Oh no!
12:54Why did you go this?
12:55The mar idean!
12:56What are you going to do?
12:57I'm sorry.
12:58I'm sorry, Banane est mort, mais parfait.
13:10Un scoop, deux venus, merci beaucoup.
13:15Le scoop est mixte race, oui.
13:19The mother, she white, but the father, he brown.
13:25There's a bean.
13:26Attentons, attentons, attentons.
13:29Swirl, swoop, sway.
13:31Look at those balls covered in the chocolate sauce.
13:35C'est square.
13:37Attentons, attentons.
13:39C'est square.
13:40Attentons, attentons.
13:42What is missing?
13:43The nut.
13:45We don't use nut in banana split.
13:47We do use the nut in the banana split.
13:50Maybe we used to do it.
13:51We don't do it actually right now.
13:53Just we cannot do the banana split without the nut.
13:55I mean, believe that.
13:56Can you believe that?
13:57But there's no nut.
13:58And it's a nut.
14:00And it's a nut.
14:01We do like a top.
14:02I want a nut.
14:06Now you're telling me that doesn't look like a banana split.
14:09This is a nut.
14:09Here we go.
14:10Here we go.
14:11Here we go.
14:12Yo, dogs.
14:13What's up?
14:14What's up?
14:14Name's Brian Brian.
14:15They're down from the Roi.
14:16Roi.
14:17Coming to you now.
14:18You now.
14:20There's no Wi-Fi.
14:22Bootle de pa.
14:23Career's advisor, Ray, is keen to emphasise the importance of family.
14:28You've got a brother or a sister?
14:29I've got two old brothers.
14:30Older brothers?
14:31Yeah, two old brothers.
14:32Are they good to you, mate?
14:33Oh, yeah, very good to me.
14:34Did they pick on you, though?
14:35Yeah, five.
14:36Because I let you to the other secrets, you know, I'm a younger brother as well, and I'm an older brother
14:41It's tough. It's so tough. It's hard being in the middle like so. No, no, no, I'm not in the middle, mate
14:45I got a younger brother, right, and I've got an older brother. Yeah, there's no in the middle about it
14:59I'm in the middle answer
15:01Ten, but I don't actually know what I'm saying. You know what, I'm sorry mate. No, no, no, I was banged out of order. You're right. I am in the middle
15:14I must have just been in the now for all these years. I didn't realise I was in the middle of that
15:27What's it like not being in the middle?
15:31It's all right. It's just... It's the same, really
15:35You're all right, yeah?
15:37I'm good mate. I'm good, me. I'm... I'm Ray, you know
15:41I'm just like the sun
15:44Shining down and
15:48Making things grow
15:52You can stand out in the ray of the sun as long as you like
15:55No song free necessary
16:00I love this time
16:05I'm ready to shoot
16:08I'm ready to shoot
16:09I'm ready to shoot
16:13Boing, boing, boing
16:14Petit po, Petit po, Petit po
16:15Bonjour, comment ça va?
16:18Kouna-ma, Kouna-ma?
16:19No, veu-t'a-l'antipi
16:21Kouna-ma, Petit po?
16:22Kouna-ma, Petit po?
16:23Je t'abon, la saumon
16:25Orphelou Noir
16:28Monsieur, Italian toffee
16:31Pistache, chocolat, sorberry
16:34All on the same cone?
16:35On one cone
16:36You can do?
16:37No
16:38First scoop on one cone
16:39We'll be dropping
16:40Trust me
16:41He knows his heart, but I know my heart and his heart
16:45He has heart
16:46I have heart
16:47I have heart in my heart
16:48There is heart in heart
16:50And if you have heart, then you can make heart
16:54Excellent
16:55Look at that
16:55Bring round, please
16:56Please prepare
16:58The cardboard
16:59Shit
17:00Sit here
17:01You are not claustrophobic
17:03No
17:03Perfect
17:08Please hold with the other hand
17:10Your hand
17:11Hold
17:11No, no, no
17:11Hold this
17:12No, no
17:12Hold this here
17:13Hold
17:14No, no
17:14With your hand
17:14No
17:15Lift your chin
17:16Perfect
17:16Hold it there
17:17Where is my enormous poof?
17:20Excellent
17:20Too much poof
17:24Just enough poof
17:26Big smile
17:27You are the sun
17:28You are the sun on a Venice day
17:30Excellent
17:31And again
17:32One more time
17:33It's okay
17:34It's okay
17:34It's okay
17:34No, no, no
17:35No, no, no
17:36No, no, no
17:37No, no, no
17:38No, no, no
17:39No, no, no
17:40Professional
17:41That was really special, mate
17:47Oh
17:48And so to Brandy's final resting place
17:53By attempt to make a psychic connection
17:56With his boast
17:58Ask him if he remembers Brandy
18:00Do you remember Brian, Andy?
18:02I don't know
18:04I don't know
18:05I don't hear him today
18:08But maybe he'll come to you in a thought
18:10Later today
18:11You might see something
18:12Ask him again
18:13Andy
18:15Andy?
18:16Do you remember Brian?
18:17Andy?
18:18He came all the way from London to see you today
18:20Andy!
18:21Andy!
18:22Wake up!
18:23Andy!
18:24Hello!
18:28Do you think he's out?
18:29I don't know
18:30I don't know
18:31Maybe he'll come later
18:32What if we engage in some deep meditation or something?
18:34Could be
18:35Okay, Andy, we're here
18:37You need to talk to Brian, okay?
18:39Andy?
18:43Andy?
18:48Yes, Brian
18:49You did receive the letters
18:51Thank you
18:55Someone wants to speak to me
18:59Who?
19:01Mother?
19:03Your Highness
19:09Oh, really?
19:10Okay, no, no, sure, sure
19:12Sorry, I just
19:14I'm talking to Princess By
19:20You were a fan of my Barticles
19:24Your Royal Binance?
19:26Your Royal Binance?
19:28I can't hear you anymore
19:30What?
19:32Bodhi?
19:34Bodhi?
19:35Bodhi?
19:36Bodhi?
19:37Bodhi?
19:40Princess By was murdered
19:43That's awful
19:46I forgot about Bodhi
19:48Oh, shit
19:50That can happen sometimes
19:51Fuck
19:53I mean, I think he's gone
19:58This
20:00This Jewish Jitsu
20:02Oi, Bay!
20:03Kipato!
20:04Kipo!
20:05Kipo!
20:06Kipo!
20:07Kipo!
20:08Kipo!
20:09Kipo!
20:10Kipo!
20:11Kipo!
20:12Kipo!
20:13I'd like to make a complaint, please
20:16What does your mom do?
20:17She is...
20:19A nursery nurse, I think, at Kiskoms
20:21That's amazing, mate
20:22Most of the little kids
20:24Kids?
20:25I love kids
20:26Do you like kids?
20:27They've got great imaginations, like
20:29They do, man
20:30Kids do
20:31As they say, kids are the future
20:34You know?
20:35If you don't want me jumping forwards, like
20:37Who said that, mate?
20:38Who said that?
20:39Kids are the future
20:40Yeah
20:41I don't know, it's
20:42It is always, you know
20:43Because they're the new minds in
20:45In society, in life
20:47And if you
20:49What about my future, mate?
20:50We all have our futures, but
20:52But no, you said the kids are the future
20:54Like
20:55Does that mean I don't have a future
20:56No, no, no, no
20:57No, no, no, no, no
20:58Because to say something like that
20:59Is just going to fucking tip me over the edge again
21:01And
21:02Just trying to maintain, like
21:04A positive frame of mind
21:05Because I'm Ray, right?
21:06Yeah
21:07I'm a happy person
21:08I'm a good person
21:10I didn't do no wrong
21:12I didn't touch one hair on that bank teller's head
21:15Right?
21:16No one fucking hair
21:17You know?
21:18I said, get on the fucking ground
21:19She got on the ground, yeah
21:20She did as I instructed
21:21They all did as I instructed
21:23Apart from that fucking OAP
21:25Who thought it'd be a have a go here, right?
21:27And then ended up on the wrong end of a fucking sign off
21:30And I'm sorry
21:31I'm sorry to him and his family
21:32Alright?
21:33But he squeezed the trigger, not me
21:34That's what I told the judge
21:36You know?
21:37Hey!
21:38My name's Ray
21:39Ray Fakadakis
21:41At your service
21:52The name is Julfi
21:54Monsieur Julfi
21:56Shit, I'm out!
22:02I have created
22:04The ultimate bemmage
22:06For Pantypohal
22:09This one's very expensive
22:11Yes
22:12Yes
22:13Yes
22:14Look at this, Andy
22:16Isn't it great?
22:18Oh, it's wonderful
22:20Thank you
22:29It looks great
22:30Badlyn?
22:31It's great
22:32It's been an absolute pleasure
22:34Goodbye
22:35Okay
22:38Goodbye
22:39Thank you
22:41Bye-bye
22:42Bye
22:43What do I have to do?
22:47You have to walk away
22:48Okay
22:49Bye-bye
22:50Goodbye
22:51Goodbye
22:52Let's keep going
22:53Bye
22:54Bye
22:58Bye
22:59Bye everybody
23:03Bye
23:04Fuck off
23:05She gone?
23:06Good
23:07Just put that back in the van, would you?
23:12It's too fucking expensive
23:13It's too fucking expensive
Recommended
21:49
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