- 3 months ago
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00:00Why are you standing there?
00:05I thought it was a team shot.
00:11What's that expression?
00:13I'm smiling.
00:14Smiling?
00:15It looks as if you're crying.
00:17No, I haven't been crying.
00:30Hey, Georgie!
00:49We've got a big problem here, Bob.
00:52I mean, it's a real Pearl Harbor.
00:55You've got skirt, skirt, husband and me.
01:03Now, I just think it would help the campaign
01:05if you could find yourself a wife or a girlfriend or a woman pal.
01:13A local man, a local skirt.
01:17Well, that's votes, Bob.
01:19That's votes right there.
01:25Mary! Bob Seven. I'm terrific.
01:39Just sitting here in the extension yourself.
01:46Tell me, Mary, are you still going to boot in them glasses of yours?
01:51The big ones?
01:53Sorry, Mary. Just going on that tunnel.
01:56What can I be doing with that?
01:58Oh, Daphne.
02:05Daphne?
02:07Bob Seven.
02:09Well, you know, just checking in.
02:16Oh, dear.
02:18When was that?
02:19And it was your hat.
02:23What a bunch of cowboys.
02:25Sorry, Daphne, can you just...
02:28Hip replacement.
02:30Botched.
02:31She's got a limp.
02:32Like a sign of weakness.
02:34People may think you've kicked her.
02:36Daphne, could you call me back?
02:38Couple of months.
02:39Happy hopping.
02:41This isn't working.
02:43Ah, it's the wrong season for skirt, Frank.
02:55It's always best after New Year's Eve or April Fool's Day,
03:00when there's all the trial separations going on.
03:02And the planes are full of buffalo.
03:04And the thing is, Frank, you know, women can pickle your brain.
03:09Oh, it's either, sir.
03:11You meet someone, you have a wee chat, and you think,
03:14well, this is just terrific.
03:16And things move on, and suddenly you're spending every day with them.
03:20Time passes, and before you know it, you're thinking,
03:23oh, Chris, what am I doing? This is just awful.
03:25And I need to get out.
03:26Oh, that's the drill.
03:28And sometimes that happens all within an hour.
03:32On the bus.
03:33They get inside your head like...
03:35like worms.
03:36That's it, Frank.
03:38That's it.
03:39Worms.
03:40Worms.
03:41Pretty wee worms with their nice clays and lovely hair.
03:45Oh, look at the butter wouldn't melt, eh?
03:48They cut your heart open,
03:50put a hand grenade inside, slap you on the back,
03:52say they're your best pal,
03:55and would you like to go to the water slides?
03:58Every time.
04:01Oh, look.
04:03The very man.
04:05Right, gentlemen, how's it hanging?
04:07Oh, Norrie.
04:09That is a lovely piece of leather.
04:12Need delivery, gentlemen?
04:14You could use an upgrade, Bob.
04:16Oh, never mind that. Norrie.
04:18I'm making myself available for this skirt again.
04:20Local skirt.
04:22How local?
04:24Well...
04:25Well, let's say as far as Carnoustie for now,
04:27but, eh, consider Forfar
04:29if they have their own transport.
04:31Beacon?
04:32Not a chance.
04:33Fair enough.
04:34So, could you put out the whispers?
04:35What kind of whispers?
04:36Oh, you know, you know,
04:37something like, eh,
04:38Bob's available for the skirt
04:40as long as they behave themselves
04:41and they'll start telling them
04:42what stuff they've seen on the telly
04:43or asking them to talk to their pals at parties.
04:45I see. Quite a whisper.
04:47Oh, well, I'm quite a man.
04:48Morning, ladies.
04:49Morning.
04:50Morning.
04:51Oh, look, Bob.
04:52That's the baddies.
04:53So it is.
04:54Tweedledum and dickhead.
04:55You're lucky I didn't have you arrested.
04:56What for?
04:57False imprisonment.
04:58Eh?
04:59You locked me in the cupboard.
05:00You were there for two minutes.
05:01carrying on like your carry weight.
05:02Aye.
05:03Well, they're getting scared.
05:04You were certainly scared by your photo
05:05in this morning's paper.
05:06Yeah.
05:07That was intriguing.
05:08Were you crying?
05:09Well, they're getting scared.
05:10You were certainly scared by your photo
05:11in this morning's paper.
05:12Yeah.
05:13That was intriguing.
05:14Were you crying?
05:15No.
05:16You don't have a partner.
05:17other than...
05:18What are you two doing here?
05:19What are you two doing here?
05:20My wife and I are committed Christians.
05:21We were simply saying hello.
05:22Do you know other hands?
05:23The vast majority of the hymns, yes.
05:24The vast majority of the hymns, yes.
05:25The vast majority of the hymns.
05:26I presume you two gentlemen aren't religious.
05:27We...
05:28We do Halloween.
05:29I'm sure you do.
05:30Oh, it's bollocks.
05:31It's all part of the play.
05:32The vast majority of the hymns, yes.
05:33I presume you two gentlemen aren't religious.
05:34We...
05:35We do Halloween.
05:36I'm sure you do.
05:37Oh, it's bollocks.
05:38It's all part of the play.
05:39I'm not sure you do.
05:40Oh, it's bollocks.
05:41It's all part of the plan.
05:42You two are here for the religious vote.
05:43You're an extraordinary man.
05:44Oh.
05:45Thank you very much.
05:46Mr. Servant.
05:47I might be in Broughton Ferry to win a by-election.
05:48But there are more important things than politics.
05:50No, no.
05:51No.
05:52No.
05:53No.
05:54No.
05:55No.
05:56No.
05:57No.
05:58No.
05:59No.
06:00No.
06:01No.
06:02No.
06:03No.
06:04No.
06:05No.
06:06No.
06:07No.
06:08No.
06:09No.
06:10No.
06:11No.
06:12No.
06:13No.
06:14No.
06:15You're right.
06:16There's more than one God mob.
06:25You see...
06:26The thing is, Your Excellency.
06:28The Edwards boys are back to Catholics.
06:30And I want to get my message to your fans.
06:33My congregation.
06:34No I can't ever remember seeing your faces amongst them.
06:38Well, I'm a first-time caller.
06:40Well, I know for a fact you told people I was a wizard.
06:42Oh, no, no, that was a genuine mistake.
06:45I saw a documentary. Things got jumbled.
06:48I wouldn't be endorsing any of the candidates.
06:49No, you wouldn't have to endorse that.
06:51Just drop a subtle hint to the punters.
06:54Oh, aye. Such as?
06:56Such as, uh, Dying as the Kingdom, The Power and the Glory,
07:00Boat, Bob's Servant, Ding Dong, Merrily on High.
07:04How about you, Frank? You religious?
07:07Well, I... I came here when I was wee for the Sunday school.
07:11Well, we'd welcome you back.
07:13I'd be a lot bigger than the other boys.
07:16Look, if you two are serious, why don't you stay for the day?
07:21The day?
07:21Yeah, if you want to represent Broughty Ferry,
07:23then you should know what we do here.
07:25Isn't it just sing songs and horoscopes?
07:28There's a lot more to it than that, Bob.
07:29Sorry, pal. I've got a campaign to run.
07:33Ah, well, that's right.
07:37Oh, who's that?
07:41Kirstie's one of our volunteers.
07:43Oh, you've just got yourself two more volunteers.
07:45Has that, sir?
07:47A few hours.
07:48We can spare a few hours.
07:50After all, a bit of community service when they come and miss...
07:52No, no, no.
07:54You guys get yourself home.
07:55As the Bible says, you yourself are God's tent.
07:59Ah, but as the Bible also says,
08:00the customer's always right.
08:03Maybe you should stay.
08:05Good.
08:06I'll help Kirstie with the fluence.
08:07Oh, I think we can do better than that.
08:18This is embarrassing, Bob.
08:21Imagine what it's like for me.
08:22Oh, I...
08:29Into the valley of death.
08:32Road good old Bob.
08:46Observed, independent.
08:48Standing in the by-election.
08:49Doing what I can for the people.
08:54Shoot from the hip.
08:55Well, I think that's really cool.
08:58What those politicians could do with someone ruffling their feathers.
09:01Oh.
09:02I'll ruffle their feathers.
09:04I'll rip their beaks off.
09:07I'm Kirstie.
09:08I was, uh, watching you.
09:10From over there.
09:13You look like an angel.
09:16Apart from not having the fish bit, obviously.
09:19Sorry.
09:21That's mermaids.
09:23What's mermaids?
09:24It's mermaids that have the fish bit.
09:26Not angels.
09:27That makes a bit more sense.
09:29Anyway, I'll let you get on.
09:38Oh.
09:38She's a wonderful woman, Frank.
09:41She dances to the beat of her own drum.
09:43He really carries off the beard, doesn't he, Bob?
09:47Not a lot of men carry.
09:48What's her story, do you think?
09:49He absolutely nails it.
09:52Hello.
10:05Are you, uh...
10:07Gardener?
10:08I was going to say disciple.
10:11Gardener.
10:12I've just been talking to Kirstie in there.
10:17Any whispers about her?
10:20Whispers?
10:21Likes.
10:22Dislikes.
10:23Hobbies.
10:25Funny things that have happened to her,
10:26so I could pretend the same funny things have happened to me.
10:29The two of us look at each other as if to say,
10:31Oh, what's that all about?
10:33I don't really know her, pal.
10:35I cannae help you.
10:35Are you frightened?
10:40Sorry?
10:44Are they holding you here against your will?
10:48Listen.
10:49If you want to escape,
10:51the two of us can get you out.
11:05You like my hair?
11:10It's me, Bob.
11:13So it is.
11:14Oh, you've got an admirable sense of humour.
11:18I suppose your husband cannae be very happy
11:20you spending all your time at the church.
11:22I bet he just sits at home,
11:24looks at photos of you,
11:25and tries on your cardigans.
11:26My husband died last year.
11:28Died?
11:29Oh, dear.
11:30Well, I'm sure he's up there somewhere.
11:33Hmm?
11:34Watching you dust.
11:36Been saying,
11:37Oh, look, look, Kirstie, Kirstie,
11:39you've missed a bit.
11:40Oh, darling, darling,
11:42you should live a little.
11:43Let that lovely hair of yours down.
11:46What's the password for the Wi-Fi?
11:48Bob?
11:49What?
11:50We're about to start our afternoon prayer group.
11:53Thought it might be educational
11:55for you to take part.
11:56Oh.
11:57You coming?
11:58Oh, I think Kirstie's got enough on her plate,
12:00don't you?
12:00This is a stud shop.
12:08Claire,
12:08why don't you start us off?
12:12Well,
12:12I would like to ask for a prayer
12:14for my boy,
12:15Owen.
12:16He's been behaving very badly indeed.
12:19Here we go.
12:20He's just so disobedient.
12:23If he doesn't get his cartoons,
12:25he has a tantrum.
12:26If he doesn't get his juice,
12:27he has a tantrum.
12:28Sounds like Frank.
12:31Very good.
12:33Carry on, Claire.
12:35I'm just at my wit's end.
12:36You're a wonderful mother, Claire.
12:38You'll get through this.
12:40Thank you, Ruby.
12:41God loves you.
12:42And your son.
12:44And God supports you.
12:46Amen.
12:46Amen.
12:46Amen.
12:50Well, you all know what I'm going to ask for.
12:53Another prayer for my car.
12:55Are they drunk?
12:59My clutch plate friction springs are knackered.
13:03You remember what happened the last time?
13:05One prayer,
13:06and they fixed themselves.
13:08Well,
13:08God loves you and your clutch plate friction springs.
13:11And God supports you.
13:13Amen.
13:17On a more serious note,
13:18I'd like to thank everyone here
13:19for the prayers of the last few months
13:21for my wife.
13:23As you know,
13:23she's pulling through,
13:24and,
13:24well,
13:26the doctors are wonderful,
13:27but,
13:28I know
13:29that your prayers
13:30are doing their bit too.
13:31God loves you
13:32and your wife.
13:34And God supports you.
13:36Amen.
13:37Supports you.
13:40I'm okay, thanks.
13:42On you go, Paul.
13:43Whatever's on your mind.
13:44Well, I've decided to get myself a girlfriend
13:56because Frank made me look stupid in the papers.
14:00Over the years,
14:01I've had some unbelievable adventures with the skirt.
14:04I mean,
14:04I could tell you some stories,
14:06but I'm not sure if they'd be quite...
14:07I don't think so.
14:08Oh, just one then.
14:10Um...
14:11Um...
14:12A woman in safeways,
14:14the thermos.
14:18No.
14:20That muscular woman in the car wash.
14:23No.
14:24I really don't think.
14:25Oh, Inver Gowrie!
14:26Oh, Inver Gowrie!
14:29There was this one dame
14:33Bob
14:33On the train to Perth
14:35Bob
14:36I said to her
14:37I said
14:37Here we are
14:38In the cheap seats
14:39In certain parts of your body
14:41Belonging the first class carriage
14:42Well we got off
14:44At Inver Gowdy
14:44Bob
14:45And we went and fund a shed
14:46Bob
14:46No
14:47Well you get the gist
14:50I mean he does anyway
14:52When you get older
14:53I mean
14:54All the best guts
14:56Been picked off
14:57I mean I'm
14:58Seriously
14:59Seriously considering
15:00One with big glasses
15:02And another with a limp
15:03And that's
15:04That's just ridiculous
15:06Bob
15:06Love can strike at
15:08Any time
15:09Some women
15:11Find you attractive
15:13Well you'd think so
15:14Absolutely
15:15You're very
15:17Eclectic
15:19I work out
15:20This is the home of the Lord
15:23You can find an answer
15:25To anything in this building
15:26You just have to ask
15:27Oh
15:28Oh
15:28You mean
15:30I could still have a wee shotty at
15:32Well done Bob
15:33God loves you
15:35And God supports you
15:37And God supports you
15:38Amen
15:39Well thank you
15:41Thank you
15:42Thank you very much
15:43I get the most awful
15:50Depressions
15:51Don't spoil it Frank
15:54That lot said I should ask you for your tea tonight
15:59Oh I'm not sure about that
16:02I know it's daft but I still feel my husband's spirit watching over me
16:06Simple
16:06Cable for three
16:07We'll put out a saucer of milk and a carrot
16:10Oh no
16:11That's Santa isn't it
16:13Frank
16:15Frank can be our chaperone
16:16For what?
16:18Tonight we're taking Kirsty for our tea
16:20I've got my swimming lessons
16:23Um well there is a lovely new restaurant
16:27Surf and Turf
16:29Well let's surf
16:30On the campaign
16:32Oh well within reason
16:34I mean a starter and a main course
16:37Or a main course and a pudding
16:39It's one or the other
16:40Okay
16:41Cancel the whispers Norrie
16:53I'm out tonight
16:55I need something special
16:57Top quality leather gentlemen
17:01Handmade
17:02Waterproof
17:03Waterproof?
17:04Did I say waterproof?
17:06Somebody said waterproof
17:07Must be waterproof
17:08Start the bus
17:19How much?
17:29Two hundred
17:29Is that pounds?
17:31Yes pounds
17:31It's a special leather lads
17:33It's only two and a half the cow's bucks
17:35It's basically where they use his jacket
17:37Norrie, I'll take it
17:39Frank, it's on the campaign
17:40Now look Bob, I'm not sure if you
17:41You know Norrie
17:42Back in the 80s
17:43I had a jacket
17:44That was an absolute game changer
17:46And that jacket
17:48I felt like an astronaut
17:49Everybody in Broughty Ferry loved it
17:51Even the boo boys
17:53People would stop me in the street and say
17:55Hello Bob
17:57Is that your special jacket?
18:00And I'd say
18:00Yes
18:02So, what happened?
18:05What happened?
18:07I left it in the burger van one day
18:08And someone
18:10Not too far from us
18:12Spilt an industrial sized bucket of brown sauce on it
18:15That's what happened
18:16Norrie
18:17We'll take it
18:18There's a bus crash in Minas Hill
18:21Oh, nice one
18:22Serious?
18:23Well, the bus passengers were shaken up
18:28Shaken up?
18:30It's not exactly the Titanic, is it?
18:31Come on Frank, give me something that can work me
18:33Oh
18:35There's a woman in Downfield
18:37Lost her guinea pig
18:39And
18:40It came back the next day
18:44Francis
18:45Unless the guinea pig came back speaking French
18:48And dressed as a cowboy
18:49It's not used to me
18:50You've seen Kirsty, she's cookie
18:53I need something cookie
18:54Give me cookie, Frank
18:55Cookie
18:55Well, I don't
18:58There's a boy in low key
19:00Get his head stuck in a bucket
19:01That's my opener
19:03Starter for ten
19:04Saddle me up
19:05Ah
19:17There she is
19:19Good evening Kirsty
19:24I'm Bob's friend, Frank
19:27Oh, we've met
19:28There seems to be a problem with the tea
19:31You only booked a table for two
19:34Did you forget about me?
19:39Oh
19:39I've already had my tea
19:41By mistake
19:43So I'm just going to have a drink at the bar
19:45And not getting anyone's way
19:47Well, of course, that's your decision, Frank
19:50Perhaps
19:52You'd like to become Bob's girlfriend
19:54And be in his poster
19:56There's no pressure
19:58I mean, for now, just
20:01Enjoy your tea
20:02And see how you feel
20:04Thank you, Frank
20:07And you'll be at the bar?
20:10At the bar, Kirsty
20:11Yes
20:11Shall we go?
20:15Can I take your jacket, sir?
20:24Not yet
20:25I want her to get the full benefit
20:27You look lovely
20:36Your eyes are like
20:39Grapes
20:55In what way?
20:56In every way
20:57And you've got the make-up just right
20:59You know, sometimes it can be a bit clowny
21:02My mother used to say
21:04A woman shouldn't hide her flaws
21:06Yeah
21:06Did you hear about the boy
21:08In Loch E?
21:09In the bucket
21:10Aye, the bucket
21:11In the bucket
21:12The bucket
21:13That was awful
21:15Terrible
21:16Tragedy
21:17You know, I'm thinking
21:20Seriously of doing something for the lad
21:22Shrink his head
21:23I thought a fun run or something
21:26You know, Kirsty
21:32You know, when I came to the church and got baptised
21:35You weren't baptised
21:36And met yourself
21:37I started to think
21:38We're not in church anymore, I'm sure
21:41There's more interesting subjects we can talk about
21:44Oh
21:45Want to open the bug file, do we?
21:53Tell me about your campaign
21:55Oh
21:56Like the politics, do we?
21:58Ah
21:59Well, I'm sure I could explain things
22:01I thought it was at the Edwards earlier
22:03They were handing out tomato soup
22:05Disgusting
22:06The soup?
22:08The Edwards
22:08Right
22:10Shall we risk their wine?
22:14You haven't got to work tomorrow, have you?
22:17I don't work
22:18Not at all?
22:21When my husband died
22:22I received a large insurance settlement
22:24A silver lining
22:26Of what must have been a very sad cloud
22:29I didn't even know
22:29He had a fully comprehensive life insurance policy
22:31Covering any form of accidental death
22:33If I could ask
22:36How did he go?
22:40He slipped away
22:42Dare I say
22:44Measles
22:46No
22:47He slipped away
22:48We were down at the pier
22:50And he fell in
22:51In there?
22:54Mm-hmm
22:54It was high tide
22:56There was nothing I could do
22:59What are you having?
23:02What about the life for?
23:05Bank holiday
23:06Could you not have thrown him a ring?
23:08There wasn't time
23:10He fell in
23:11Splashed about for a bit
23:12And then he was gone
23:13Gone in seconds
23:14Sunk
23:15What was he wearing?
23:17A suit of armour?
23:21We should order
23:22You in for a bite to eat?
23:34Yes
23:34I'm just watching those two
23:39Right
23:39Okay
23:41So you've never been married?
23:44Oh no
23:45No
23:45I've dodged that particular sledgehammer
23:47But you know
23:49Never say never
23:50As I always say
23:51There's more than one chair in my extension
23:54Ah
23:55Right
23:56I'll have the chops
23:58And tell the chef
24:00To have a bit of fun with them
24:02Oh no
24:02Well
24:03He must have the haddock
24:04It's very popular
24:06Oh it is is it?
24:08Well I suppose
24:09If I must have the haddock
24:11A must
24:13Steak for me
24:14Bloody
24:16You're the independent candidate
24:20For the by-election aren't you?
24:21Uh-huh
24:22Uh-huh
24:22That's part of who I am
24:23We had the airboards in here earlier
24:25Oh
24:26Oh did you now?
24:28Anyway
24:29I'm sure you'll enjoy your haddock
24:31But you'll love the haddock
24:33I can see clearly now
24:46The rain
24:48Has gone
24:50Safe journey home
24:53Curse is a hitman
25:00Right
25:01She murdered her husband
25:02My head was a fire to kill me
25:04The waiters in on it
25:06They're gonna poison me with a haddock
25:08Right
25:09I should have pieced that together
25:10I need time to point the fingers Frank
25:11I'm gonna ride this one out
25:13Code red
25:14Doors to manual
25:15Meady
25:17Is everything okay?
25:38Oh
25:39Potato
25:40Potato
25:41Potato
25:41Ah
25:43Here it is
25:44My last supper
25:46Joy
25:51Looks delicious
25:53Oh
25:54And I suppose you two want me just to eat this all up
25:58Don't you?
25:59Is that not the plan?
26:00Well you admit
26:01That there's a plan
26:02Where's the wire?
26:11The wire?
26:13There's always a wire
26:14Sorry I don't
26:17Where's the wire?
26:18Get down please Bob
26:21Sean
26:27Edwards thought he could JFK me with a haddock did he?
26:31Well you tell him
26:32You tell him for me
26:33That if he comes for me again
26:34It'll be black hot down
26:37Bratty Perry
26:37And that's for you sweetheart
26:39So sorry darling
26:43But they don't date assassins
26:46That's true
26:51It doesn't
26:52Mary
27:07Bob
27:07Servant
27:09What about contact lenses Mary?
27:15Can you cover your glasses up?
27:18Little curtains
27:19Mary
27:22Mary
27:23Hey
27:23Hello
27:25Oh
27:26No ambition
27:28Well
27:29I lost
27:30Do you ever think back on old memories like that
27:34Or do I ever crush your mind
27:37Right Frank
27:43New poster
27:45People of Bratty
27:47Bob Servant Independent hereby announced
27:50We are no longer interested in the god mob or the skirt
27:53The god mob just try and trick you with the bible
27:56And all they want is a floor mop
27:58And as for the skirt
28:00Well I very kindly made myself available
28:03And ended up buying tea for a murder run
28:05So that's it
28:06No skirt
28:06And no religion
28:07And while we're at it
28:09I shall be returning to my signature jacket
28:12And if anybody has any problem with that
28:15They can just fucking whistle for it
28:17Hope, Bob Servant
28:19All the very best
28:20Etc
28:21Get that down to the printers
28:22ASAP
28:23Well
28:24Well maybe check it over in the morning
28:26All that good part I know
28:27Cheers
28:27All that good part I know
28:29Cheers
28:30All that bad
28:31Oh
28:31Thank you darling
28:46I love you
28:47Mm-hmm.
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