- 2 days ago
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00:01You know, Frank, when they murdered Jesus and threw him in the cave,
00:04everybody thought it was goodnight, Vienna.
00:06Including me.
00:07Now, Jesus, by his own admission, was an appalling man,
00:10but he was no quitter.
00:12So he hid a wee sleep in the cave, then rolled away the boulder,
00:15and said, anybody fancy an Easter egg?
00:18Well, I'm no quitter either.
00:20It's time for our second coming.
00:23Francis, let's roll away the boulder.
00:30Frank, around here, people don't like to talk about the cheeseburger wars.
00:52And it's understandable. They've got out of hand.
00:55A lot of good vans were lost along the way.
00:58But me and you, Frank, back on the van,
01:01the punters will be beside themselves,
01:03and our wee cash flow problem will seem nothing more than a hilarious memory.
01:08It's not that wee Bob.
01:09And as for the skirt, good golly, Miss Molly,
01:12it'll be like the last days of Rome.
01:14You know, it's funny you should...
01:16Oh, yes, Frank, yes! Together we can do anything.
01:19I'm just saying it's funny you should talk about the woman folk.
01:22Darren!
01:23All right, Bob.
01:24Darren.
01:25I have an important whisper I need you to deliver.
01:29Pun intended.
01:31People of Bronte Ferry,
01:33Bob's Beautiful Burgers is back in business.
01:36Come and have some fun in a bun.
01:38Aye, all right.
01:42That kid's got the lot, Frank.
01:44And best of all, he knows it.
01:46We should make him Head of Youth Development.
01:49Can I clarify my title, Bob?
01:51Same as always.
01:52Director of Saucer's Apprentice.
01:54Thanks, Bob.
01:55Just, you know, I didn't want to presume, you know,
01:58and be all Bernie Bighead about it.
02:00Use your money.
02:01Right.
02:02Well, I just did a...
02:05I thought there might have been a hint of inflation since 1989.
02:11Unfortunately, Frank, your salary was pegged to the end,
02:15and our Japanese friends have done you no favours whatsoever.
02:21Here you are, Hen.
02:22The meat attack.
02:23The burger they couldn't ban.
02:25It's awfully big.
02:26I'm just selling you the gun, sweetheart.
02:28You don't have to use it.
02:29What else you got?
02:30We do the meat attack and the Widowmaker.
02:33Is the Widowmaker smaller?
02:35It is considerably larger.
02:38Madam, could I interest you in a half portion?
02:41Oh, well, that seems...
02:42Absolutely not.
02:43I'd rather cut myself in half.
02:45Frank, you're Apprentice Director of Sauces.
02:48As you well know, Director of Ideas is one of my titles.
02:51It's just, you know, I was talking to my swimming instructor, Dorothy,
02:54about something called calories.
02:56I don't care if you were talking to Burt Reynolds about long division.
02:59We're not doing half portions.
03:00It's just, we're going to have to start earning soon, Bob.
03:03We're no overloaded with punters here.
03:05You want punters?
03:06I'll get you punters.
03:07I'll get you mere punters than you've ever seen.
03:14Ah, the punters love the seaside, Frank.
03:16They like to feel the waves on their bodies.
03:18Aye, don't we all?
03:20Um, what kind of meat is it?
03:24Madam, thank you for the question.
03:26We use a collage of meat.
03:29Oh, that sounds a little worrying.
03:31Come on, Mum.
03:32Please.
03:33Oh, okay, okay.
03:35Two widow-makers, please.
03:38Madam, please feel free to advertise our delicious burgers
03:42to any of your fellow punters.
03:44Oh, and a thought.
03:46Ladies, us two handsome singletons are also available
03:50to any of your divorce pals
03:52who haven't given in entirely to the gin.
03:55Bob's servant. I knew it.
04:14Back in the queue, Hendo.
04:16Here's me trying to ease the jag into her favourite parking spot
04:20and your decrepit burger van's in the way.
04:23Oh, you're an awful piece of work, Hendo.
04:25Well, let's try for civility.
04:27You're in my spot.
04:28Fine.
04:29I hereby award you 5% off any burger served
04:32between 7 and 7.15 Monday mornings.
04:34Not to be used in conjunction with any other offer,
04:36bring 4 to ID.
04:38I hope you've got a licence, lads.
04:40A licence to trade.
04:42And a licence to love.
04:44Hey, ladies.
04:45Children, you've been widow-maker.
04:48Wow!
04:53Sir, consider yourself meat attacked.
04:59And please, come again.
05:02Well done, son.
05:05What a run that was, Bob.
05:07It's happening, Frank.
05:08Just like I said.
05:09Punt the respect off the chart, money in the till,
05:12and bucket loads of skirt in the post.
05:14Again, eh, on the lady's subject...
05:16You see, Frank, women love powerful men.
05:20Look at Sir Trevor MacDonald.
05:23Frank, Sir Trevor MacDonald,
05:25mind you, this is only a hunch,
05:27but I feel it's a good one.
05:29Sir Trevor MacDonald is, without doubt, pound for pound,
05:33the maddest shagger in Britain.
05:36See what I mean?
05:37Shouldn't be on the road.
05:39Mr. Servant, I'm from the council.
05:42From the council?
05:44Or from heaven?
05:46The council.
05:47Where's your licence?
05:48Erm...
05:49May I consult with my colleague?
05:52Please, help yourself to the condiments.
05:57Here we go, Frank.
05:58The old van's working its magic.
06:00Is it?
06:01Oh, come on, Frank.
06:02Does she want the licence, or does she want me?
06:04The licence?
06:05Frances, right now, that woman's ogling my backside
06:08and fantasising about taking me to a cabin in the woods,
06:11lying me down naked in front of an open fire
06:13and going absolutely berserk on the business end of my body.
06:16My God.
06:18Don't blame me, Frank.
06:19Blame the van.
06:23One of your mobs already been here for the licence.
06:25Who?
06:26Jim. Nice guy. Decent smile.
06:27Surname?
06:28Never asked. He had me at the smile.
06:30There is a Jim.
06:31I hope you're gonna check that.
06:33Of course.
06:34You see, Frank, and this is not a phrase I would ever use lightly,
06:41but that woman is definitely permanent skirt material.
06:45Bob, erm...
06:47With all this girly chat, erm...
06:50I've been trying to tell you that, erm...
06:53Well, the thing is that, erm...
06:56I...
06:58Frank...
06:59Have gone and got myself a girlfriend.
07:03You've...
07:06Got myself a girlfriend.
07:08What happened was that, erm...
07:12My swimming instructor Dorothy and I had...
07:15What I...
07:16Well, what I suppose you would call a...
07:18Kind of running joke about towels, you know?
07:21And...
07:22The kind of funny things that have happened to us with towels, and, erm...
07:26Well, just, you know...
07:28One thing led to another.
07:30Now my swimming instructor Dorothy has become my girlfriend.
07:35And that's the...
07:37That's the end result of this...
07:39Whole...
07:40Mess.
07:41Come with me.
07:51You see, Frank Cheeseburger vanmen, they're like members of a boy band.
07:56The public need to think we're romantically available.
07:59One whisper about girlfriends.
08:01And we'll lose half our fan base.
08:03Forgive me, Bob, but you've just suggested the woman for the council is permanent skit material.
08:07That's different.
08:08Could I trouble you to explain why?
08:09Frank, how long have you been working for me?
08:1137 years.
08:12Exactly.
08:13Your apprenticeship's nearly finished.
08:15You should concentrate on her.
08:17Start palling about with some deranged woman.
08:19No, Bob, she's not deranged.
08:21Dorothy is both a...
08:23A patient swimming instructor and a...
08:25You know, a wonderful girlfriend.
08:27Frank, you can't have a girlfriend.
08:29Not before me.
08:30It's just not right.
08:31It would confuse the punters.
08:33It's not fair, Frank.
08:35On the punters.
08:37Look...
08:39Let's see how things play out between myself and the councilwoman.
08:43And then maybe, you know, we could sit down and have a wee chat about your girlfriend's situation.
08:48I can't say fairer than that, Frank.
08:51You know, Bob, these words feel like poison in my mouth,
08:55but I would like to suggest that on this occasion, you could in fact say fairer than that.
09:09Frank.
09:12Frank.
09:15They're not very well.
09:17Neither am I.
09:18Mr. Servant, you didn't show your licence to anyone called Jim, nice smile or otherwise.
09:23Oh, sorry, Hen, sorry.
09:24It was Rab.
09:25Rab something or other.
09:26Nice guy.
09:27Long hair.
09:28How long?
09:29Don't do his knees.
09:30Oh, come on.
09:31What was in that burger?
09:32Minced meat and dreams.
09:34I think they're having hallucinations.
09:36Frank.
09:37Frank, back up, Frank.
09:38Bob.
09:39Frank.
09:40Bob.
09:41Frank.
09:42Bob, I'd like to introduce you to my swimming instructor and girlfriend, Dorothy.
09:47So nice to finally meet you.
09:50Don't be ridiculous.
09:52Mr. Servant, I'm suspending your shambolic operation with immediate effects.
09:57Quite right.
09:58Help me, Frank.
09:59Help me.
10:00Help me.
10:01Hereby suspended.
10:02Game over, Bob.
10:03You're a cowboy.
10:04Right.
10:05That's it.
10:06That's it.
10:07Here I am, spreading happiness and trying to earn a few honest pounds.
10:12And all you people do is turn boo boy on me.
10:15He's beyond saving.
10:17But you, you're an attractive, powerful woman.
10:20You're better than this.
10:22You're a grown man, moaning about your sore tummy.
10:25And when I was your age, I would have given both legs for a decent hallucination.
10:32Now, I am gracious enough to accept that it appears that Frank has forgotten to renew the licence.
10:41No, Bob.
10:42No, Bob.
10:43You're director of licences.
10:44I beg your pardon?
10:46You're director of licences, Bob.
10:48Right.
10:49You's want your pound of flesh.
10:50Well, here we go.
10:51Frank.
10:52You're sacked.
10:53You're sacked.
10:54You're sacked.
10:55You're sacked.
10:56You're sacked.
10:57You're sacked.
10:59You're sacked.
11:00You're sacked.
11:29What the fuck?
11:35Young man, your life will never be the same again.
11:44Good morning.
11:46Morning.
11:47I believe this kid is enslaved to yourself.
11:52Well, he works here, eh?
11:53I've recently been let down by my right-hand man,
11:56and now are the years I've watched Darren grow.
11:59From scared wee laddie to confident young hunk
12:03with a sack full of dreams.
12:06Right.
12:07It is time to empty his sack.
12:12I'm no quite following this...
12:14I hereby appoint Darren as my right-hand man.
12:19You're not his fagin anymore.
12:29I'm freezing.
12:33Oh, Darren, mussels like those should be seen.
12:36Let the punters enjoy them.
12:42Bob?
12:44Darren?
12:45Frank?
12:46Yoko?
12:48Darren will be accompanying me to the Kunstle hearing,
12:51his man, your apprentice.
12:53Your apprentice?
12:54Oh, don't give me the puppy eyes, Frank.
12:56I sent you an olive branch.
12:58That was just a normal branch?
12:59It's a thought that counts.
13:01Have you anything to say to me, Francis?
13:05Good luck with the council meeting, Bob.
13:07One and a half lemonades, please, Stupod.
13:16I mean, who does he think he is?
13:19Swaggin' about hugging hands like he's George Best.
13:21Well, she seems nice.
13:22Oh, Darren, Darren, Darren, Darren, Darren, Darren, Darren, Darren, Darren.
13:29Life's awfully simple at your age, isn't it?
13:31It's all about heavy metal music and masturbating at drive-throughs.
13:35Life's about pals, Darren.
13:37It's about sticking together.
13:38With no selling each other down the river
13:40just because some scut teaches you the front crawl.
13:43We're ready for you.
13:44On you go, young blood.
13:49Pull your tongue in, mate.
13:52Council records from 1989
13:55don't show you ever been granted a licence to trade.
13:59They say if you remember Brotty Ferry in 1989,
14:02then you weren't there.
14:04I've no option but to permanently suspend you from trading.
14:08Two things.
14:09First, what are you doing for your tea?
14:12I know a restaurant in Moneyfee that'd have your tongue hanging out like a lizard.
14:16What's the second thing?
14:18Darren?
14:19Hello. I'm Darren the paper boy.
14:21As you can see, I have nice muscles,
14:24which I got from eating the delicious burgers sold by Bob,
14:27who is currently single.
14:29Oh, Darren.
14:31That's not really relevant.
14:33Although Bob doesn't have a licence,
14:35you should give him a break because of everything he does for folk.
14:38He gave Frank the world and had it thrown back in his face,
14:42and he saved me from a life of despair.
14:44My dad is a real-life maniac who drinks 13 bottles of gin a day,
14:50then hits me on the head with a golf club and says you're out of bounds.
14:56An awful man.
14:58But a decent joke.
15:00Oh, dear. We better call social services.
15:02No. This is bollocks. Bob wrote it.
15:05Ghost wrote it.
15:07Good luck, Bob.
15:08Darren?
15:10Hold on. Hold on.
15:12Your suspension is permanent.
15:15I appear to have a vacancy.
15:23May I inspect your muscles?
15:38You know, I was just thinking about Frank.
15:41Frank, the day I awarded you the Director of Saucer's Apprenticeship.
15:47Second best day of my life.
15:50Quite a ceremony.
15:52Covered me in mustard.
15:53Tradition?
15:54Got my eyes in it.
15:56Oh, smarted terribly.
16:00Frank, I am...
16:02I suppose the only way to put it is nice and simple.
16:07I need your back.
16:08Frank, it's more than just a wee cash flow problem, Frank.
16:14The cheeseburger money, all gone.
16:17All of it?
16:18Fast living, Frank. Fast living.
16:21Nights out. Taxis.
16:25The jumpers.
16:27I like nice things.
16:29Pretty things.
16:31The extension.
16:33You said the extension paid for itself.
16:35Sadly, Francis, that's just a turn of phrase.
16:38The van has to work, Frank.
16:42Or it's the poor who's for me.
16:44And I can't do it without you, pal.
16:46As insane as that sounds, I just can't.
16:51Well, you know, Bob, that's...
16:52That's very kind.
16:54In response, I would like to invite you
16:59to a special clear-the-air lunch
17:02with myself and Dorothy.
17:04Frank, clear-the-air lunch is what you mean this is.
17:04And if the lunch is a success and everybody gets along,
17:08then I'd be delighted to return to work.
17:11OK.
17:21OK.
17:25Dorothy.
17:26Wonderful to see you again.
17:28And you, Bob.
17:29I've got a wee something for you.
17:31Do you play golf?
17:32Yeah, well, thank you.
17:33More importantly, are you left-handed?
17:36No.
17:36It's so hard to bet for women.
17:53It's a wee bit of entertainment.
17:56Someone taught me that if a party doesn't have entertainment,
18:00you might as well just chuck it and go to bed.
18:03Well, whoever told you that
18:04sounds like a legend.
18:07He was.
18:11I'm not dead, Frank.
18:13Frank, why don't you give Bob a wee tour
18:15and I'll fix us some drinks.
18:17Get that, Bob.
18:28Has she got a parrot?
18:30No, no.
18:32That's for me.
18:34Dorothy is extremely adventurous
18:37in what she calls the sexual arena.
18:41Now, you're very much a man of the world, Bob.
18:45Oh, absolutely.
18:47I've swung from a few ceilings in my time.
18:49Oh, I'm sure, but being a bit of a prudy duty myself,
18:52I must have been a little taken aback by certain things.
18:56We do something called role play.
18:59Oh, well...
19:00Now, I'm not a real policeman.
19:02You know that, Bob.
19:03Yeah, no.
19:04But I must say,
19:05I have formed a certain life for the part
19:08of PC bad apple.
19:11Well, we should probably go and have those drinks.
19:15Bob, if I could just ask you something.
19:17As a more experienced person in the bedroom department,
19:21when you've been wolfy,
19:23have you also ever been
19:25completely crotchless?
19:39Oh, Bob, we must tell you about the laugh we had yesterday.
19:42That sounds hilarious, but don't feel you have to.
19:44Dorothy went to the ladies' barber's,
19:46and when she got home,
19:49I said,
19:50it would have been funny
19:51if the lady barber had picked up
19:53all the other hair on the shop floor
19:54and sellotaped it to Dorothy's wonderful head.
19:58And if Dorothy had come home
20:00with her hair or sellotaped her head,
20:02all the colours were all jumbled up,
20:04what?
20:06What would I have to call her?
20:09Dorothy Sellotaped Head.
20:11It gets funnier every time he tells it.
20:15Really?
20:16Oh, look up.
20:17Eyes like diamonds,
20:19buttocks to die for.
20:20And the best joke-telling brought a fairy.
20:24The what?
20:25I've hit the jackpot with this one.
20:27Well, I'm glad you two find it funny,
20:30but I'm afraid it's left Frank's performance
20:32in the van deeply lacking.
20:34Well, maybe if Frank was properly paid,
20:36his performance would be better.
20:38I'm sorry?
20:39If Frankie received a liveable wage,
20:41he'd be more on the ball.
20:42Frankie would be more on the ball
20:44if he weren't up there
20:45filling his head with stealth.
20:47We engage in consensual,
20:49non-taboo sexual playtimes.
20:51You shouldn't be doing that stuff to Frank.
20:52He's only wee.
20:54I enjoy it, Bob.
20:56I enjoy it.
20:57Hugely.
20:58You're not ready, Frank.
20:59I am ready, Bob.
21:00I am ready.
21:02And I am willing.
21:03You're welcome.
21:05Ba-da-ba-da-da-ra-damba
21:08Ba-da-ba-da-da-ra-damba
21:11Se necesiten
21:13A poca de gracias
21:15Look, why don't you two tell me how you mate?
21:32School?
21:33Well, we lived together.
21:35How did that work?
21:37Ah, when I was ten years old, my father said he was going out for a pint of milk.
21:42That was it.
21:42Oh, dear.
21:43By the time he got back with the milk.
21:45My mum had run off with the bin man.
21:48Dad said that Broughty Ferry had too many memories.
21:52He emigrated to Fife.
21:56I went to live with Frank and his family.
21:59Best day of my life.
22:00From that night onward, I slept in Frank's bed.
22:05Well, I just slept on the floor, but it was absolutely fine.
22:09And when I started the burger van, there was only one person I wanted for the director
22:14of Sos's apprenticeship.
22:15Well, maybe Frank's finished his apprenticeship.
22:19Well, I suppose I just thought that the skirt stuff would happen for me first.
22:32I understand.
22:33You see, Dorothy, if I'm completely honest, I've never swung from a ceiling.
22:42Not in that way.
22:44Oh, Bob.
22:45I'm sure there's women all over Broughty Ferry would like to put you in their sex cradle.
22:50That's very kind.
22:51Bob.
22:52Bob.
22:53It appears the council may have dropped the ball.
22:57And I suspect the ball might bounce up and strike them in the genitalia.
23:02Oh, Frank.
23:03What are you saying?
23:04What I'm saying is, we're back.
23:05This is our finest hour.
23:06It's beautiful.
23:07Francis, assemble your sasses.
23:38Bob, we're freezing.
23:51I paid extra for those muscles, Darren.
23:55Oh, that's that, Bob.
23:57Trading without a licence.
23:59Could be jail time.
24:00Hello, good evening and welcome to Bob's Waterburger Disco,
24:04which is proving quite the little error.
24:06Mr Servant, I can't tell you how many regulations you're breaking.
24:10Just shut it down.
24:12On you go, Frank.
24:13Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Bob's Waterburger Disco.
24:18Now, I suppose you could say we would like to give you all a special wave.
24:23So, help yourself to a wave.
24:27Classic Frank.
24:29No more jokes, Frank.
24:30Mr Servant.
24:31Council regulations extend five metres offshore from this map,
24:37which sadly predates the building of our wonderful Millennium Pier.
24:41According to the council, our Waterburger Disco is 20 metres out to sea.
24:48No man's land.
24:50He's right.
24:50This isn't over.
24:54I respectfully disagree.
24:58What are you doing, Saturday?
25:00We're launching our soon-to-be-famous Single Mingle.
25:03Come and have a tingle evening.
25:04Will you be there?
25:06Only if I suffer a breakdown in the interim.
25:13She's wilting.
25:14The half portions are selling particularly well.
25:19You've had a good day, Frank.
25:20Especially as it's your first day.
25:23What, first day?
25:24First day as a fully qualified director of sources.
25:27I am declaring your apprenticeship served.
25:35Ready, Frank?
25:38Never been readier.
25:44Thank you, Bob.
25:49Thank you, Bob.
25:50Is that necessary?
25:52It is stinging a little, Bob.
25:54I think maybe that's enough, Nick.
25:56Be brave, Frank.
25:57My eyes are burning, Bob.
25:58Nearly done, Frank.
26:01They're burning!
26:03Frank!
26:03Woo!
26:04It's okay.
26:15He can do it.
26:22Keep up!
26:24Well done, Frank!
26:25Thank you, Bob!
26:26I'm stuck.
26:27I'm stuck.
26:28Thank you!
26:29I'm stuck.
26:30I'm stuck.
26:31I'm stuck.
26:32Para bailar la bamba, para bailar la bamba, te necesito una poca de gracia, una poca de gracia pa' mi partida.
26:45Y arriba, y arriba, y arriba, y arriba, por ti seré, por ti seré, por ti seré.
26:54Yo no soy marinero, yo no soy marinero, soy capitán, soy capitán.
27:02Yo no soy capitán.
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