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00:00I always thought the heart would be bigger.
00:07Hearts vary hugely in size, Frank.
00:09And who's the smallest?
00:11Well, I would say it's probably a toss-up between Hitler
00:15and whoever stole my golf clubs.
00:20Mr. Servant.
00:22Aye.
00:25How did things work out with the extra leg?
00:28In the end, it wasn't actually an extra leg.
00:31Really?
00:32Ah.
00:33Was it, as I told you repeatedly, a reducible hernia?
00:37I think we were both right.
00:39What can I do for you?
00:41Tonight is the by-election debate.
00:43Big show, live audience, talk of the town, blah, blah, blah.
00:47I need a little something.
00:51A little something?
00:53Francis.
00:54Thanks, Paul.
00:55Yes, we require a pill or a potion
01:00that will make Bob's eyes twinkle like pricey diamonds,
01:05make his hair look like he washed it in a Caribbean waterfall,
01:09and that will make his voice go very deep.
01:13So he sounds like the man who tells you about other films, you know,
01:17when you go to watch the films.
01:22The debate's in two hours.
01:24Be a kind of nondescript call.
01:35Hey, Georgie!
01:36The problem with doctors, Frank, is they keep the best stuff to themselves.
01:55Have you ever been to a doctor's party?
01:58No.
01:59Neither have I.
02:00I bet they're brilliant.
02:02Oh, here we go.
02:04Athletical bell-end.
02:06So, you're all set for the big debate.
02:09Oh, is that tonight?
02:10Yeah, we're just throwing in a quick five-miler, you know, clear the head.
02:13Five miles?
02:14Uh-huh.
02:15I do that in my slippers.
02:16You're a runner.
02:17I ran to Aberdeen once.
02:18You ran to Aberdeen?
02:19Sprinted.
02:20There was rumours of a closing down cell.
02:23OK.
02:24Unfounded.
02:25Well, I look forward to sparring with you later.
02:27Oh, I see.
02:29Oh, that'll be like the lambs voting for Christmas.
02:32Turkeys.
02:33You said lambs.
02:34Turkeys.
02:35It was lambs.
02:36Turkeys.
02:37Sound like lambs out here, Bob.
02:42Et tu, Bruno.
02:47Look how strong he is, Bob.
02:52Oh, Frank.
02:54That's just gym strength.
02:56Out in the real world, you need what is known as street strength.
02:59OK, OK, that guy can lift dumbbells.
03:02But can he shake trees to get doing scared cats?
03:04Probably.
03:05You see, that's what they call street strength.
03:08I believe you're looking at joining.
03:10Oh, not so much joining.
03:11Just a wee kind of beast.
03:13You're not the guy we caught trying to steal tennis rackets.
03:15I wasn't thinking straight.
03:16Somebody stole my golf clubs.
03:17They just lashed out.
03:18Right.
03:19Anyway, pal.
03:20Tonight is the big by-election debate.
03:22And I'm looking to get some work done.
03:24What kind of work?
03:25Thank you, Bob.
03:27Right.
03:29Bob's arms and legs speak for themselves.
03:32But can you have a wee look at his stomach?
03:36There's no major cause for concern.
03:38But you might as well take an inch off for a laugh.
03:42Also, there would be no hermit in giving the thighs a wee tighten.
03:48And taking ten years...
03:50Five years.
03:51Five years off his cheekbones.
03:55And when you're hoping to see results?
03:59We've got an hour and a half.
04:00Minus travel time.
04:02And we still need to have our tea.
04:06Forget the physical preparation, Frank.
04:08Mental preparation.
04:09That's the game.
04:10And it all starts with this.
04:14Brain food.
04:15Bob, we should probably go over some policies...
04:17Oh, debate's not about policies, Frank.
04:19No?
04:20Oh, quite the opposite.
04:21Quite the opposite.
04:22Look at the great debaters.
04:23Churchill.
04:24Thatcher.
04:25Annika Rice.
04:26Those people thought on their feet.
04:28Lived after their wits.
04:29Is that our plan?
04:31To live after wits?
04:33Stand up.
04:35Right.
04:37I'm gonna hit Edwards with a wee one-two.
04:40One-two.
04:43Do you remember when you said I didn't know how to Derren Brown someone?
04:46And I Derren Browned you?
04:47Yes.
04:48Yes.
04:49You made me think I was a robot.
04:50Well, I've got a wee Derren Brown just for Edwards.
04:55Secondly, start talking.
04:57About what?
04:58Anything.
04:59Talk about who you are.
05:01Okay.
05:04My name is Frank.
05:05And I'm campaign manager.
05:08Carry on.
05:11I'm campaign manager.
05:13For...
05:15For...
05:16Bob.
05:17And I...
05:20I...
05:22I'm sorry, Bob.
05:23I can't do it.
05:24You see?
05:26I call that one up close and personal.
05:30Well, it's bloody dynamite.
05:31Works well, you plumbers.
05:33Right.
05:34Let's get going.
05:35Call the taxi for the town hall.
05:36I'll go and dig out the shirt.
05:43It's not at the town hall, Bob.
05:45The debate's in Dundee.
05:49I beg your pardon.
05:51I've got to hand it to Edwards Frank.
05:53He's a clever bastard.
05:54They've looked at this situation and thought,
05:56Right.
05:57Bob's a Broughty Ferry man.
05:59Get him in front of a Broughty Ferry audience.
06:01It'll be absolute Beatlemania.
06:04Well, let's tack him to Dundee.
06:06Shake him up a bit.
06:07They said there was nowhere big enough round about here.
06:09Oh, really?
06:10How convenient?
06:11Well, there's no.
06:13A Dundee crowd, Frank.
06:16That changes everything.
06:18They're still Scottish, Bob.
06:20I mean...
06:22You can always play the Braveheart card.
06:25I will not play the Braveheart card, Frank.
06:28It's a cheat move and I don't need it.
06:31I'll beat Edwards and the rest.
06:32Mano, eh-oh, Mano.
06:35Bob.
06:37Edwards is younger.
06:39And may I say, a proper politician.
06:42And may I say, a bit of a dish.
06:46But...
06:47I mean, he couldn't beat the Braveheart card, Bob.
06:50No one can.
06:52Francis, go and stand over there till the bus come.
06:55Bob!
06:56Over there!
07:02Do you think this is where they make Top of the Pops?
07:20Oh, who cares?
07:21I'm not impressed by this lot, Frank.
07:24The BBC are a bunch of crooks,
07:26making us pay our licence fee
07:28just so they can eat strawberry sandwiches at Wimbledon
07:31and Attenborough can go and build himself a big hoose
07:34at the North Pole.
07:35It's an absolute swindle.
07:37I support the satellite mob.
07:39They don't take themselves too seriously
07:40and it doesn't cost you a penny.
07:42Once you got the box,
07:43had it installed,
07:44paid the subscription,
07:46and removed the parental lock.
07:50Mr Servan.
07:54Don't be ridiculous.
07:56So what?
07:57Are we talking BBC One?
07:59No, it's not on television.
08:02Well, this was a waste of time.
08:05It's on Radio Scotland.
08:07Radio Scotland?
08:09That's for drunks.
08:10Aye, or fishermen.
08:11Or both.
08:13Did I see you on Scotland at one?
08:17No.
08:18Absolutely not.
08:19Quite the reverse.
08:20Oh, my good God!
08:25Cool, Frankie, cool.
08:28It's a bit of a spaceship.
08:30Excuse me?
08:31Yes?
08:32Could we get this raised a little?
08:33He doesn't want to hit it with his hands.
08:34No problem.
08:35Is this my radio tie?
08:36Yes.
08:37Okay, good.
08:38Fine.
08:39Water would be good as well.
08:40Something Scottish, not Irish or Welsh.
08:43Many of them would be great.
08:45Water.
08:47Hello, hello.
08:48Producer Hen.
08:49I'll take this one.
08:51Okay.
08:52But could I have a few tweaks as well?
08:54Tweaks?
08:55Could you make it see-through?
08:56I don't want any stupid rumours about me not having any legs.
09:00Yeah.
09:01Can I get you guys to the green room?
09:09Can I get you anything?
09:10Is it aeroplane prices?
09:12All food and drink is complimentary.
09:15Well, could I have a ham sandwich?
09:18Absolutely.
09:19Anything else?
09:20Well, may I trouble you for a cold lemonade?
09:24No problem.
09:25Who are these two, Frank?
09:27He's the socialist candidate.
09:29Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
09:30And she's an environmental person.
09:32Ah.
09:33With lovely hair.
09:34Oh, forget about them, Frank.
09:35Wannabes.
09:36Local show-offs that don't again the first thing about politics.
09:41Oh, here we go, Frank.
09:44Tonight, it's about me and him.
09:46We are the big guns.
09:48I tell you, Frank, when me and him have a go at each other,
09:51it's gonna make Vietnam look like Crufts.
09:54Oh, thanking you kindly.
10:01Hey, Bob.
10:02Do you think this is what it's like at the Oscars?
10:07No.
10:08No.
10:09So, the BBC.
10:10This must be quite an exciting little expedition for you two.
10:25I prefer ITV2.
10:27Plus One.
10:29The People's Channel.
10:31OK, I think you all know today's moderator.
10:34Anders!
10:35Evening, everyone.
10:36Round two for us, is it, Anders?
10:37I suppose so.
10:38Uh-huh.
10:39Fumble in the jungle.
10:40OK, so, boring stuff first, folks.
10:41Could I have a hot coffee, please?
10:42And a selection of edible biscuits?
10:44So, let's chat debate.
10:45I want to start by banging out agreement on question order.
10:47No chance.
10:48What?
10:49We don't negotiate with terrorists.
10:50As you'll have noticed, due to the guidelines,
10:51we have to invite all candidates this evening.
10:53That's a wee bit sexist, Anders.
10:54That's a wee bit sexist, Anders.
10:55That's a wee bit sexist, Anders.
10:56That's a wee bit sexist, Anders.
10:57As it is a broader debate, I'm happy to be a little bit flexible on subject matter,
11:20but any hot patatties we need to be throwing out of the kitchen?
11:23Uh, no.
11:24No hot patatties.
11:25We won't talk about gay marriage.
11:27Apart from that, patatties.
11:28Yeah, that's a deal-breaker.
11:29And I won't talk about former lovers.
11:32It's not fair to them.
11:33I would sincerely hope that's a given.
11:35And I'm not getting into the whole argument about,
11:37should small guys be allowed to use extra-long snooker cues?
11:41Brings out the fanatics.
11:43The Pooh and the Post Brigade.
11:44Aye, that's a deal-breaker.
11:47We can cope with that.
11:48Right then, folks, I will see you shortly to, er, crank out some politics.
11:53I presume there's a full ban on magic tricks?
11:56Yep.
11:57Good.
11:58Ah.
11:59Coffee looks fine.
12:03And the biscuits are...
12:09Perfect.
12:10Why don't I have any notes, Frank?
12:22You said we didn't need any.
12:23No, I didn't.
12:24You said we'd live off our wits, like Annika Rice.
12:29Right.
12:31Time to play my first ace.
12:37No, we definitely won't be doing that.
12:38I want you to maintain that air of confidence at all times.
12:43Okay there?
12:44Yes.
12:45Good.
12:46Good.
12:48Tell me.
12:51Have you been to the toilet?
12:53Yes.
12:54Ah.
12:55Great.
12:56I just hope when we're out there debating away like Panthers,
13:04you don't suddenly find yourself needing to go...
13:11...to the toilet.
13:12Right.
13:20That's all I hope.
13:22He's dead and drowning you.
13:24Don't tell him!
13:25Are you okay?
13:27You seem a bit nervous.
13:28Me?
13:29Nervous?
13:30Extremely.
13:31Prairie, G.
13:33What days?
13:35I've only been nervous three times in my life.
13:37Okay.
13:38The day I was born, when I first used a soda stream,
13:40and that time I thought I saw Fred West in Argus.
13:45And there won't be a fourth.
13:50Hello?
13:51Ten minutes please, folks.
13:56Have you been to the toilet?
14:01May I have a lemon sorbet?
14:02Mess off!
14:03Look at all the people, Bob.
14:06They look like ants.
14:08Everything okay, Bob?
14:09Oh.
14:10We're okay, Frank.
14:11We should be absolutely okay.
14:12Have you got, you know, some ideas?
14:13Ideas, Frank?
14:14Annars.
14:15Annars.
14:17And yourself?
14:18Have you got any bright hands?
14:19I'm not sure.
14:20I'm not sure.
14:21I'm not sure.
14:22I'm not sure.
14:23I'm not sure.
14:24I'm not sure.
14:25I'm not sure.
14:26I'm not sure.
14:27I'm not sure.
14:28I'm not sure.
14:29I'm sure.
14:30You've got any bright ideas going spare?
14:33Bob.
14:34Don't want to hear any of my ideas.
14:35Oh, I actually do, Frank.
14:37I really, really do.
14:40You're kind of putting me in a spot here, Bob.
14:42We're all on the spot, Frank.
14:44I'm on the biggest fucking spot in town.
14:47Bob, I think perhaps it would help if maybe you should think about considering calming down just a little bit.
14:54One idea, Frank.
14:55Just one.
14:56To get things started.
14:57Er...
14:58Three wellies?
14:59What with?
15:00Er...
15:01MOTs?
15:02Jesus Christ.
15:03Two minutes, guys.
15:04I'll introduce you individually.
15:13Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.
15:14And please welcome to the studio as the first bio-action candidate, it's Mr. Mick Edwards.
15:18Will they come?
15:19Thank you,itts...
15:21Thank you,hee, thank you, thank you.
15:24Ladies and gentlemen, good evening, and please welcome to the studio as the first bio-action candidate,
15:29it's Mr. Mick Edwards.
15:35Luke, Don't tell the DG to give us the biggest party tune peace spot.
15:41I want well-managed hysteria.
15:43I've got it.
15:44And for the environmental party, it's Susan Blankman!
15:49I suffer for £20 cash.
15:53...who we are duty-bound to have with us this evening
15:56is independent candidate, Mr Bob Servant.
16:14A very exciting night.
16:24Mr Servant.
16:29The business of show.
16:33We offered targeted support across society.
16:37Investment in factories.
16:39Good honest men!
16:41Investment in primary schools.
16:43Ditto!
16:45And a society that can be judged on how it treats those
16:48for whom every day is a struggle.
16:52Milkman?
16:54Anders.
16:55Lots to chew on there folks.
16:57Mr Edwards, fire your first bullets.
17:00That's your one up now.
17:02Tax, health, education, local business.
17:06That's my DNA.
17:08That's my handprint.
17:10Only handprint?
17:11Sorry?
17:12I go a hell of a lot deeper than a handprint, pal.
17:14A hell of a lot deeper.
17:15Mr Servant.
17:16You cannot interrupt opening comments.
17:18Now actually, Anders, I'm intrigued.
17:20What exactly do you mean by deeper than a handprint?
17:24Well, I'll tell you.
17:25I'll put it this way.
17:27If one of this mob was to come out here and split me open with an axe, take out my hat, cut it open with a penknife, and inside there'd be a key. And that key would open a box. And inside that box there'd be a note. And that note would say, vote Bob Servant.
17:44But he'd be dead.
17:45But he'd be dead.
17:46They'd patch me back together.
17:47An investment in public transport is an investment in the environment. I will push for direct trains to London.
17:57Let me trump you there. I'll push for direct trains to Ireland.
18:00Guys, guys, guys, guys. I'm hearing a lot about investment here. But I'm asking, where's that money coming from? The EU?
18:09Well, I certainly hope not, Anders. I think I'm on record as saying that the EU has to take some responsibility for the problems that we face today.
18:21You know, people say the EU's all straight bananas and having to wear crash helmets to cut the grass. But don't forget about the good things they've done.
18:28Such as?
18:29Pulling down the Berlin Wall. Getting rid of pesetas. And making bucks fizz rip off their skirts. Come on, folks. Let's give them a chance.
18:39Is this thing going?
18:44As long as the bankers are okay, then that's all that seems to matter to this government.
18:50That is just a tired old cliché.
18:52No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's spot on. Bankers are arrogant.
18:58They are arrogant.
18:59There's this guy who works for the Abbey National in Brook Street, and he thinks he's bloody God's gift to women because he rides a motorbike.
19:07You're spot on.
19:08You're spot on.
19:09How is this relevant?
19:10Because he parks it right outside like he owns the place. In the last ten minutes of every day, he whacks around with all the gear on like he's evil Knievel.
19:19He's a bloody poser.
19:21Could we please talk about subjects that actually affect people's lives?
19:24That affects my life every Friday.
19:27Okay, Susan, the four's yours. Why don't you just chop us out some policies?
19:31Well, the Human Rights Act.
19:33Oh, here we go.
19:34This government are clearly intending to dilute it.
19:37The trouble with the Human Rights Act is, where does it end? I mean, of course, of course, you shouldn't be allowed to harm humans. But does that apply to animals? Or children? I mean, you've got to draw the line somewhere.
19:54You know, this is all off the cuff.
19:57Really?
19:58Well, let me just take this opportunity to drag it back to local issues.
20:01Well, I'm the man for that. And like these three, I'm a broughty ferryman.
20:05What difference does that actually make?
20:06Well, I'll tell you what difference that makes. The difference it makes is that my policies...
20:12My policies are the best.
20:19Okay. Okay. Well, why don't you plate us up one policy?
20:24Well, I will. I will. Okay. Here goes.
20:27Not free wellies.
20:31Free wellies?
20:32Not free wellies. I mean, I don't even know why I'm mentioning the wellies. I mean, I've got better stuff than that, but it's just that I've got wellies on the brain.
20:40I mean, someone, someone put the idea of free wellies in my head, and now I can't get rid of them.
20:46I mean, all I can see now, you know, is just, it's just wellies, you know? Wellies. Wellies. Wellies. Wellies. Wellies.
21:01Let's box some pops. You!
21:04What are the candidate's positions on crime?
21:07Largely against it.
21:09Crime is a cancer in Broughty Ferry.
21:13Yes.
21:14And, if elected, I will work tirelessly, tirelessly, with the police and local community groups to cut this cancer out of our lives forever. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
21:28How does that get a clap?
21:29Ask it. Do you support gay marriage?
21:32Absolutely.
21:33Of course.
21:34200%.
21:35I always say, when you look at what men have to go through with women, if some of those brave men one day should turn round and decide, that's it. I've just had it with the scut. I'm going to hang about with other men and have a laugh. And maybe, maybe, every so often, after one or too many drinks, we'll have a quick cuddle. Well then, for me, that's absolutely just about fine.
21:57Fine.
21:58And lesbians?
21:59And urban myths.
22:01Oh, not too popular with the audience there.
22:04Oh, forget that lot.
22:06Oh, we shouldn't be talking to this mob anyway. They're not Broughty Ferry folk.
22:09Bob, the entire audience are Broughty Ferry voters.
22:12All right, all right. Hands up, all those from Broughty Ferry.
22:18Bollocks.
22:19Moving on. Mr Edwards. Gay marriage.
22:23What I want to say is this. It doesn't matter who's getting married. You won't find a more beautiful place to do it than Broughty Ferry.
22:32Now, Anders, I would like to talk about business. I want Broughty Ferry to be a beacon of industry. A diamond, if you will, in the recession's wrath.
22:43Mrs Edwards, your husband is about to get egg all over his lovely face.
22:50But business, but business, it has to be born. It has to be created. And I want Broughty Ferry to be a maternity ward full of beautiful business.
23:09Baby. Mr Servant.
23:12A vote for Nick Edwards is a vote for prosperity.
23:17Bob.
23:19Well, ladies and gentlemen, it would seem like I have an admirer.
23:26Still, the news statesman did say that I had a certain magnetic quality, so...
23:31Back to selling cheeseburgers, I think.
23:37Is that a laughter truck?
23:39No.
23:40As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, I know the value of employment.
23:43That was like watching someone drown.
23:45A vote for Nick Edwards is a vote for business.
23:51I know what it is to be employed. I was brought up in a very humble townhouse in Shropshire.
23:59Bob.
24:00My father worked his fingers to the bone 18 hours a day as a QC and a non-executive director on a series of FTSE 250 companies.
24:07And what about Scotland?
24:09Sorry?
24:10You're all standing there with your policies, your notes and your lovely hair, and there's a question that keeps going round and round my head like a trapped parrot.
24:17What's Scotland getting out of this?
24:19My party has always supported self-government.
24:22I'm not talking about policies, pal. I'm talking about the people. Us. The oppressed. Always have been and always will be.
24:29We're like the Red Indians.
24:31How exactly are you oppressed?
24:33Okay, okay. Answer me this. How come Cilla Black got that blind date job and not Lulu?
24:41Did Lulu apply?
24:43She shouldn't have to apply.
24:46And why were the Crankies not invited to play at Band Aid?
24:50Ah, but can the Crankies sing, is the question.
24:53Can they sing? And why? Why, when you divided up Britain, did you give us the top bit?
25:01Exactly!
25:02That clearly wasn't our decision.
25:04Oh, I bet you had a right laugh at that one, didn't you, eh? Sitting down there drinking your pina coladas while we're up here freezing our balls off.
25:13Well, I'll tell you, pal. I'll tell you what England's like. England is like a big brother who borrows your snazziest shoes, goes ten-pin bowling, forgets to change his shoes back, comes home with the ten-pin bowling shoes and says,
25:30Oh, well, it looks as if you'd better become a ten-pin bowling fan, whether you like it or not.
25:38Well, here's the headlines, Mr. Redworths. We don't want to be ten-pin bowlers, do we?
25:45No!
25:46Ladies and gentlemen of Brotty Ferry, let's send England a message they'll never forget.
25:50Let's tell them that they can forget their cricket, their fiatas and their Roger Moore.
25:54We'll have the football, the cheeseburgers and Sean Connery coming out from under the water and his tidy little bikini!
26:04So, Mr. Edward, you go back down there and you tell the Prime Minister that we've had enough!
26:11Tell him that the people of Brotty Ferry will not be pushed around anymore!
26:16And tell him, tell him, tell him that when the people of Brotty Ferry want to go to the toilet, they will go to the toilet any time they want!
26:22And tell him, tell him, tell him to give us back the folklore!
26:29Let's think about living, let's think about loving, let's think about the hooping and the hopping and the bopping and the loving, lovey-dovey.
26:38Let's forget about the whine and the crying, the shooting and the dying, the fellow with the switchblade knife, let's think about living, let's think about loving, let's think about the hooping and the hopping and the bopping and the loving, lovey-dovey.
26:54Let's forget about the whining and the crying, the shooting and the dying, the fellow with the switchblade knife, let's think about loving, let's think about the hooping and the hopping and the bopping and the loving, lovey-dovey.
27:09Let's forget about the whining and the dovey-dovey. Let's forget about the whining and the crying, the shooting and the dying, the fellow with the switchblade knife, let's think about living, let's think about life.
27:16He told fucking media!
27:19Let's think about living.
27:22Let's think about life.
27:25Let's think about living.
27:27Let's think about life.
27:30Let's think about living.
27:32Let's think about life.
27:35Let's think about living.
27:37Let's think about life.
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