- 3 months ago
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00:00The bride's guests will be on the left and then a row of family and then yourselves and your bridesmaids and I will be here at the front that's...
00:12Bob Servant, Best Man, I was wondering if for me there could be, um, not a throne obviously, the days know about me, but something a little throne-ish?
00:26I think that might perhaps detract...
00:28Bob Servant, Best Man, on the ring front, I should warn you, I'm going to be doing the old, oh, God, where is it, stick, but I'll be pushing the joke rather far. Budget for 45 minutes.
00:41After the ring, there will be the exchange of vows and then a few other bits of...
00:46A kiss.
00:47Oh, well, there will be a kiss.
00:49Yes, please.
00:51Dirty, dirty, dirty.
00:54And then we'll finish with a blast of the organ.
00:57I thought that would wait for the wedding night.
01:01Well, if you finish with a filth, perhaps we could discuss the best man's arrival.
01:09Arrival?
01:10Here's the plan.
01:11Get all the punters inside the church first.
01:13Then, bang, the light's good.
01:16Solitary spotlight.
01:18Then, music.
01:20African drums.
01:23Boom-ba-da-dum, boom-ba-da-bum, boom-da-da-bum, boom-da-da-bum, boom.
01:26Then, then, then, a lone eagle flies through the church as if to say, it's happening.
01:33Boom-da-da-boom, boom-da-da-bum, boom-da-da-bum, boom-da-da-bum, boom.
01:36It's happening.
01:38Who's that?
01:40Coming down?
01:41On a wire?
01:41Bob Servin, best man.
01:56All set for the stag do tonight, stew pot?
01:59Aye.
02:00Oh, God, don't make me do it.
02:01No, listen, I'm really looking forward to it.
02:03What's this?
02:05It's a reception menu.
02:06A hundred computer burgers?
02:07A new product that's proven slightly stubborn to shift.
02:13We want sandwiches, don't we, Frankie?
02:16Yes, sandwiches, please.
02:18And you booked the DJ?
02:20Bob cancelled him.
02:21I'll be performing an adult puppet show that'll push every envelope going.
02:27Frank?
02:29Well, maybe we could do both.
02:31Fine.
02:33DJ opens.
02:35Puppets headline.
02:37Okay, Frank, let's see you.
02:44Stand back a wee bit.
02:46No, that's hard.
02:47But that's the other way.
02:48Megan, Bob Servin.
02:51Another wee dinner invitation to go with what's becoming quite the collection.
02:57Today's suggestion.
02:58Me, you, table for two at Canusti's Fill up your face Italian buffet.
03:02So, pop that with the others and, um, um, um, um, um, um, all I'm over, and, uh, you know, um, holler me back.
03:14Bye.
03:18Bye.
03:18Maybe a wee bit higher
03:23Who's that?
03:24A bit higher, please
03:26Lower, if anything
03:28He's got the best eyes in town, hi
03:29Goodness gracious
03:30Dorothy, Frank's kilt length undoubtedly falls under the best man's list of duties
03:36You don't have a list of duties
03:38I'm sorry
03:38So far, for this wedding, I've visited your parents
03:43Uninvited
03:43Run background checks on the bridesmaids
03:46Illegally
03:46Taking out a quarter page ad in the Broughty Bugle
03:49To congratulate you both
03:50Which gave my phone number
03:51Dorothy, your number will be changing anyway
03:53And why would your number be changing?
04:02Because, Bob
04:03After the wedding, Frank and I are moving to Fife
04:14Come with me
04:15I'm sorry, Bob
04:22I just couldn't bring myself to tell you
04:25I've been the best, best man of all time
04:27And this is how you repay me
04:29By immigrating
04:30It's only over the river
04:31Only?
04:32Only over the river?
04:33It's a rubber!
04:35You can't move to Fife, Frank
04:36Why not?
04:37The van
04:37We've just introduced a computer burger
04:40That was your idea, Frank
04:41Yours?
04:41You said it would get the youngsters
04:43It hasn't got us any youngsters
04:44I'll stop me working on the van, Bob
04:46A director of sauces is like a fairman
04:48When you get the call, you're doing the poll
04:50And on that van in minutes, Frank
04:51Minutes!
04:52Just a wee commute
04:53Okay
04:53And what about the social events?
04:55Hmm?
04:55Our perno and press-up parties
04:57Well, I can make the odd one
04:59Oh, yes
05:00Monday midnight margarita madness
05:02Well, that might be a stretch
05:04This wedding was supposed to be a great day for the three of us
05:08And now
05:09Five
05:12All set, Bob?
05:22Are you sure about moving across the river, Frank?
05:25Late at night, I hear the most awful sounds drifting across the water
05:30Now, now, mines in the stag do
05:32Gunshots
05:33Screaming
05:34Howling
05:36Of the coyote
05:37Will there be an exotic dancer, Bob?
05:41God, I hope there's not a dancer
05:42I bet there's a dancer
05:44My glasses
05:45For Christ's sake
05:46She'll bust up my glasses
05:47Now, Alyssa, I'm sure she'll be a lovely lady
05:49My glasses will be fine
05:50And I suppose she'll be wanting me to put the gear on
05:52I'll put the gear on
05:54Well, it's really very simple
06:04It's a race to the line
06:06If your balloon touches the ground
06:08Then you're the dafty
06:09And everyone has a wee laugh at you
06:11Not in a cruel way
06:12But certainly enough to make you go
06:14How did that happen, etc
06:16Got it, right
06:18Grooming the best man first
06:19Okay
06:20There you go
06:21These cords offer very little grip
06:31Okay, lads
06:33Let's go
06:34Very nice, Frank
06:37I've been knowing we were doing this
06:39I've worn my wranglers
06:40Oh, Bob's the dafty
06:43You are
06:44Legally
06:45The dafty
06:46I've worn my wranglers
06:48All right, lads
07:04Sit down your watermelons
07:06The best man's game is ready
07:09Please join me in Stu Potts' function room
07:13Gentlemen
07:17When countries go to war
07:20When a woman bears us a tea
07:22Or when a man gets married
07:24They must ask themselves two things
07:27What are the pros
07:30And what, he's guessed it, are the cons
07:34Pros and cons, gentlemen
07:37Pros and cons
07:39For God's sake
07:44Is that paint?
07:45In the interest of fairness
07:46Let's start with the pros
07:49Not to be sniffed at
07:53And if we must
07:55Let us now consider the cons
08:00Let's start with this one
08:03Shall we?
08:04Okay, Bob
08:05I'd like to make an entry into the pros column
08:07Well, I suppose we could squeeze one in
08:09Mutual fondling
08:12Oh, yes
08:13No, that's illegal
08:15That is both legal and desirable
08:17The hot touch of female flesh
08:19Oh, yes, please
08:21Keep talking, Frank
08:22Don't encourage him
08:23And finally, nipple clamps
08:25That's enough
08:25Nipple
08:26That is enough
08:27I wanted tonight to be special
08:29A proper bonkers madman with the lads
08:32And you've ruined it
08:33I've ruined it
08:34You're moving to five
08:35You're supposed to be my best man
08:36And you go and do this
08:37I was only trying to help, Frank
08:39Well, I don't want your stupid help
08:40And I don't want to hear any more of your stupid words
08:42Coming out of your
08:43Forgive me, stupid face
08:44Bob
08:48Where would one
08:50At this late stage of the evening
08:52Solicit a relatively guilt-free
08:54Nipple clamping?
08:56Come on in, Bob
09:17Is it?
09:18So
09:24Today is the day
09:27He's finally going to do it
09:30Yeah
09:32Frank seems happy, Bob
09:35He's not happy
09:36He's in the grip of some sort of mania
09:38Oh, that's love, Bob
09:40And it's a mania without a cure
09:42And if he's been bitten
09:43Then you've lost him forever
09:45Gone
09:47Adios, goodnight horse
09:48Not Frank
09:49Not Frank?
09:50Look at Chappie Williams
09:51Him and me were joined at the hip
09:53Since we were nippers
09:53And then, shazam
09:55He disappears in a cloud of confetti
09:57I saw him
09:59At the Asda's
09:59A few months ago
10:00Buying muesli
10:02I mean, what can you do?
10:05You can stop it
10:05I can stop it
10:07Bob
10:08It's okay to be scared
10:10Scared?
10:11You've known Frank for 50 years
10:1352
10:14He's your best friend
10:15I've got lots of friends
10:16It's understandable
10:18If you're terrified
10:20Terrified?
10:21Aye
10:22Terrified?
10:23Right
10:24That's it
10:25That's it
10:25Objection
10:26You're banned from the extension
10:27Your head's minced with the booze
10:29My head is unminsed, Bob
10:31Un-minced
10:32Frank's getting married
10:34And there's nothing you can do about it
10:36Would it be possible?
10:43Oh, take them
10:43Megan
10:54I'm gonna die alone
10:56And only you can save me
10:58That's quite a responsibility
10:59The bad news is
11:01Frank's leaving me
11:02The good news
11:03Particularly for you
11:04Is I have a vacancy
11:05For a life partner
11:06I would like to not apply
11:07For that vacancy
11:08Oh, Megan, Megan, Megan
11:09Let's run away together
11:10We'll steal a couple of motorbikes
11:12And ride them
11:13Till the wheels fall off
11:15Bob, I must have turned down
11:1620 dinner invitations
11:1723
11:18Well, maybe there's a message there
11:20Could you be more clear?
11:23I'm not interested
11:24Could you be less clear?
11:27Bye, Bob
11:28Frank
11:48I've been a moron
11:51Bob?
11:56We'd better get going
11:58Bob?
12:03Bob?
12:09Bob?
12:10I have close to 80 pounds
12:18In an Abbey National Junior Savers account
12:21You can take every penny
12:23The password is Humperdink
12:25I also have a Casio calculator watch
12:28With approximately six
12:30Bob?
12:32Frank
12:33I thought you'd been burgled
12:35It's important for everyone to remember
12:38That this is not in any way
12:40A kidnap
12:41You have one phone call
12:47You know how a marriage plays out, Frank
12:54A woman meets a man at a disco
12:56They give each other the eye
12:57Wind up married
12:58Two years later
12:59Maybe three
13:00The woman runs off with a pony-tailed waiter
13:03And the man's arrested for exposing himself in a shoe shop
13:06That's not every marriage
13:0793%
13:08I think we'll be very happy together
13:10Oh, they all think that, Frank
13:11Charles thought he'd be very happy with Diana
13:13Now look at him
13:14Married to his auntie
13:15Dorothy
13:17Ah
13:17Good morning
13:20Love the hair
13:22For God's sake, Bob
13:23Help me, Dorothy
13:24Open the door
13:25I have some demands
13:26I'm warning you, Bob
13:27It's the very worst thing you've ever done, Bob
13:29It's the very worst
13:29Oh, calm down, Frank
13:30You've got your kiora
13:32You're not exactly Shawshanked
13:34You didn't have kiora in Shawshank, Frank
13:35I'll tell you that for nothing
13:36Do it, Dorothy
13:37The extension
13:39It's a stupid extension
13:40It's out of keeping with the rest of the house
13:42What?
13:43Cover your eyes, Frankie
13:44Cool it, cool it, cool it
13:46Cool it, cool it, cool it, cool it
13:50Cool it, cool it
13:53My demands
13:58One
14:02Stop pushing the saucy stuff in my face
14:05It makes me uncomfortable
14:08And, er, not jealous
14:12A country might be jealous
14:13More confused
14:16Why confused?
14:18Historically, when it comes to skirt
14:19Frank's job has been to hide my jacket
14:21And that is not in any way a metaphor
14:24Two
14:26Frank's lifetime contract in the van is to be respected
14:31People look at a cheeseburger van and think 24-hour cash machine
14:35But times have changed
14:37We used to be busy
14:38From breakfast chips to goodnight burger
14:40Not anymore
14:42We're in the trenches
14:43And I need my wee pal beside me
14:47Three
14:49Don't get married
14:51Self-explanatory
14:52And don't move to Fife
14:55I'm just saying
14:58Very politely
15:00And with a tremendous amount of respect
15:02That if you didn't mind
15:04Then I'd very much appreciate it
15:06And I kinda
15:07That would be a very nice way
15:10If you'd refrain
15:11From taking Frank away
15:14Bob, do you have any idea
15:19How much Frank talks about you
15:21And your
15:22Qualities
15:23Stuff with the eyes
15:26And your
15:26Walk
15:28I turn heads
15:29Your sense of humour
15:31Oh, I know my way around a joke
15:33Frank Zade
15:34You made a joke on the bus last week
15:35Had everyone laughing
15:36Downstairs
15:37And upstairs
15:38Spread like wildfire, eh?
15:40Bob
15:40I couldn't take Frank away from you
15:42Even if I wanted to
15:44So why don't you just let him go
15:45And get ready to be his best man?
15:49I suppose letting Frank go
15:51Would be
15:53An extraordinarily
15:55Selfless gesture
15:57On my part
15:58I can see how you might think that
16:01Uh-huh
16:03Hang on a minute
16:07The cure is on the house, Frank
16:24Robert's servant
16:30You can stick your cure aura
16:33Where the sun does not shine
16:35You're no longer the best man
16:37In fact, you're the worst man
16:39So therefore
16:41I would suggest
16:42That instead of coming to the wedding
16:43You go directly to hell
16:47Frank
16:50Frank!
16:53Frank!
16:56Frank!
16:57No harm for the reception sandwiches, but don't worry, I'm working on a plan B.
17:27No harm for the reception, but don't worry, I'm working on a plan B.
17:57Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today in the presence of God to join this
18:06man and woman in holy matrimony.
18:09May I ask you to join in Dorothy and Frances' choice of a song of worship.
18:22Hey, where's the onion?
18:31God knows.
18:32And it should be in a sesame bun.
18:33Should it?
18:34Ketchup?
18:36Ah, you bastard.
18:37Two-fifty-eight.
18:38Ah.
18:39I haven't got any change.
18:43Would you take a cabbage?
18:44That is a lettuce.
18:45Would you take a lettuce?
18:47No.
18:48Fine.
18:49No.
18:50Fine.
18:51Fine.
18:52Fine.
18:53Fine.
18:54I need a hero.
18:55I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.
18:56He's gone.
18:57Two-fifty-eight.
18:58Two-fifty-eight.
18:59Ah.
19:00I haven't got any change.
19:03Would you take a cabbage?
19:05That is a lettuce.
19:06Would you take a lettuce?
19:07That is a lettuce.
19:08Would you take a lettuce?
19:09No.
19:10Fine.
19:19I need a hero.
19:20I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.
19:25He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.
19:32I need a hero.
19:34I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light.
19:39He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than mine.
19:46Somewhere after midnight in my wildest fantasies.
19:53Someone just beyond my reach there is someone reaching back for me.
19:59Still funny where I need a woman!
20:00I need a hell of a trumpet!
20:01I am聊이가!
20:02I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.
20:06He's gotta be strong and...
20:10Mary, I need a hero!
20:14I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night!
20:15And he's gotta be strong and he's gotta be strong!
20:21Carry on!
20:26Before we hear the wedding vows,
20:31I am bound to ask if anyone can show just cause
20:35why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony.
20:39Speak now, or forever hold your peace.
20:42Speaking now!
20:44Don't let him talk.
20:45That man is a real-life kidnapper.
20:47We're obliged to hear him out.
20:50Where are you going, Bob?
20:56Ladies and gentlemen,
20:59in objecting to this wedding,
21:02I could talk about the traditional command structure
21:05of the cheeseburger van,
21:07or about friendship,
21:09or about that ancient phrase,
21:13misters before sisters.
21:16And yet, ladies and gentlemen,
21:18I am not here to object.
21:21I am here...
21:23to apologise.
21:26I've been a fool.
21:28A daft, selfish, albeit handsome, fool.
21:33Although I am no longer best man,
21:35and I'm sure I'm not alone in being utterly astonished
21:39at the choice of subbie,
21:40let me say this.
21:42When I first met Frank, 52 years ago,
21:45he was a terrifically odby guy.
21:49He used to wear little cardboard underpants
21:52that I believe he made himself.
21:54The other kids treated him with undisguised contempt.
22:00Yet, I saw something in him.
22:03A plucky heroism,
22:05dogged loyalty,
22:07tremendous timekeeping.
22:09We became a double act.
22:10A couple of young bucks with an eye for adventure.
22:13Oh, that was gorgeous then.
22:16I mean, you can still see the signs.
22:17But, my God.
22:18I'm not sure if this is quite...
22:20Over the years,
22:22it was I that dominated on the female front.
22:26But, you know,
22:29times change.
22:31Frank's getting married.
22:34Whereas, my recent skirt woman project
22:39has ended in somewhat devastating failure.
22:45But, you know,
22:49today, my friends, is about Francis and Dorothy.
22:52And I'm here to give this wedding my full support.
22:55I wish you every happiness
22:58and a wonderful future.
23:00And if you should ever be blessed with a child,
23:04I would be delighted to assist in the delivery.
23:09Fly away, Francis.
23:11Fly away.
23:13And just remember
23:16to...
23:18occasionally...
23:20fly back.
23:23I'll fly back, Bob.
23:24Good luck following that.
23:29As far as I know, and I'm a long way from an expert,
23:43but I believe that the clamps fully entrap the nipples.
23:48Like lymphets.
23:52That was a surprisingly thoughtful speech.
23:55Oh, you don't have to say that.
23:58But I very much appreciate that you have.
24:01Would it be horridly reckless of me
24:06to risk a 24th dinner invitation?
24:09It would have a marginally better chance than the others.
24:13That's music to my ears.
24:16And my body.
24:18And my body.
24:19Ladies and gentlemen, the first dance.
24:22Like your body.
24:23That's amazing, our body.
24:24And a very good handlen us.
24:25Ahh, look at those implants.
24:26I've really got a lot of points
24:27in my eyes.
24:28Okay, all right.
24:29Good.
24:30My body.
24:31Oh, nice.
24:32Good.
24:33I mean, you could just do that.
24:35It's a bad place.
24:36Thank you, guys.
24:37Mm-hmm.
26:08And to celebrate our decision, I'm delighted to announce that at the Water Burger Disco tomorrow,
26:15we'll be offering a three-for-two offer on the highly popular Computer Burger.
26:19So get them while they're hot.
26:25Howdy, folks!
26:28Wanna meet the wife?
26:30Hm?
26:31Where you gonna meet the wife?
26:33But I gotta warn ya,
26:36she's hot!
27:09Morning, Bob.
27:12You know, Frank, as mad as this sounds,
27:16I can't help thinking our best days are ahead of us.
27:20Bob, we're only getting started.
27:25Sorry about the whole kidnap thing.
27:28Oh.
27:39Right.
27:51Saucers.
27:52Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods?
27:59Where's the streetwise earth that leads to fight the rising on?
28:06Isn't there a white night upon the fiery sea?
28:12Late at night I push and I turn and I dream of what I mean.
28:17I need a hero.
28:20I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.
28:24He's got to be strong and he's got to be fast and he's got to be fresh from the fight.
28:30I need a hero.
28:32I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night.
28:37He's got to be strong and he's got to be fast and he's got to be fresh from the fight.
28:42I need a hero
28:44I'm only not gonna hear it
28:47In the morning light
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