- 4 months ago
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00:00Right, house meeting.
00:11Can you pack it in with a harpsichord?
00:13We know what century it is.
00:14Charming.
00:15Right, weird one.
00:17No one is using the special new room for having a shit.
00:21Come on, you know who you are.
00:22You're all of you.
00:23I've just had a shit in there and it's obvious no one else has
00:26because the date on the arse-wiping newspaper is still the same date
00:30as when the water closet was originally installed.
00:32What is the problem?
00:33I don't see the point of it.
00:35Why do we have to go to a whole special room just to do a shit?
00:38What's wrong with just shitting in a pot and throwing it out the window?
00:41Yeah, and what happens when you want to do a shit
00:43and you go to the special room for doing a shit and someone's in there already?
00:46Well, you just have to wait.
00:48Wait? To do a shit?
00:50How is this a step forward?
00:52Answer, it isn't. It's worse.
00:54We are all perfectly happy doing our turds in pots
00:57and then hurling them out the window.
00:58But imagine if everyone did that.
01:00I don't have to imagine if everyone did that.
01:02Everyone does do that.
01:03It's called London.
01:04But this flush technology is so exciting.
01:07It's the future.
01:08Your shit lands in this little pool of water
01:11and sometimes you get a slight splash up the bum.
01:13Why is that good?
01:14Okay, that's not the point of it.
01:16Who wants to splash up the bum?
01:17Look, don't fixate on the splashing.
01:19I don't know why I mentioned that.
01:20What's good is that when you've finished,
01:23you pull the handle and the shit just goes forever.
01:27You don't have to worry about it.
01:28I don't worry about it when I chuck it out the window.
01:30I don't give it another thought.
01:31No, it's better because now it's not just piled up on the road.
01:35It's in the river.
01:36Where the poor people go to wash.
01:37Yes, but you're missing the point.
01:39Fuck them.
01:40We have a nice tidy house.
01:41Not really.
01:42There's still piss everywhere.
01:44But you're supposed to piss in there as well.
01:46What?
01:47You're supposed to use the special water closet when you want a piss.
01:51For a piss?
01:52We're supposed to go in there whenever we want a piss.
01:54Like every time.
01:56It's just not workable.
01:57You go in the room, you come out of the room.
01:59I have other things to do.
02:01And how do you piss in there anyway?
02:03You're supposed to go in there and take your trousers off and sit down.
02:05Because what's going to happen?
02:07Ooh, the world might end if I get piss on my trousers.
02:10That's basically all they're for, isn't it?
02:12Soak up the piss?
02:12You just think everything modern is good, don't you?
02:15You were the same with not rounding up women who were good at herbal remedies and drowning them.
02:20Oh, that was creepy.
02:21Oh, let's not drown the women and let's all go in a special room for pissing and shitting.
02:26What kind of future are you imagining?
02:28One full of witches and no shit.
02:30In what single way would that be better?
02:33Hmm?
02:42Hi.
02:45Don't need a tray for the case.
02:49I'm sorry?
02:51Don't need a tray for the case.
02:52I'm...
02:52Don't need a tray for the case!
02:54Oh, yes, I'm sorry.
02:55I didn't hear.
02:57Case in the tray.
02:58Oh, but...
02:58Case in the tray.
02:59Yes.
03:00In a tray.
03:01In a tray.
03:02Yes.
03:02Case in the tray.
03:07Shoes are...
03:07Oh.
03:09Should I take my shoes off?
03:09No.
03:13Should I put the shoes in the tray?
03:15In the tray?
03:16Yes.
03:17Yeah.
03:19Is that switched off?
03:21Yeah.
03:21Is it?
03:22Um, I don't...
03:24Oh, I turned it on now.
03:27On?
03:27It can't be on.
03:28Are you trying to crash the aeroplane?
03:29No.
03:30Off.
03:30Yeah, sorry.
03:31It's me off.
03:32Off.
03:33What are you doing?
03:33I'm taking my belt off.
03:35Who told you to strip?
03:36Sorry, sometimes.
03:37Why are you getting undressed in public if you've got a problem?
03:40Sorry.
03:40You can smell your socks.
03:42You're so sweaty.
03:43Sorry, I...
03:44I had to rush to get to the check-in and it...
03:47You look very shifty and guilty.
03:49Yes.
03:49Sorry.
03:50Do we need the case, Alvin?
03:51Passport ready?
03:52Yes.
03:52Get your passport ready.
03:53Yes.
03:54Passport ready!
03:54Passport!
03:55Get your passport!
03:56Passport ready!
03:58Get your passport ready!
03:59Have you got your passport?
04:00Is it ready?
04:01What's it you doing?
04:02Get that man.
04:03Leave it.
04:04Leave it.
04:04Move it along.
04:05Where is it?
04:06Is it in the tray?
04:11Previously, on Swearie Aussie Drama.
04:16Fucking fuck, fuckface.
04:18What the fuck's going on?
04:20One cock-sucking minute with one fucking number
04:23and the fucking next with a fucking another.
04:25You've cocked up the count, you dozy prick.
04:28Fuck off, you smelly old arsehole.
04:30I've cocked up fucking fuck all.
04:32Those numbers are solid as a fucking rock.
04:34Don't you fucking fuck with me, you little prick,
04:36or you'll not get the fucking farm.
04:39If you're still drawing breath,
04:40I don't want your cunt fucking farm,
04:42you dozy old twat.
04:43Did you tell my fucking husband you went giving him the farm,
04:54you dick-breath old prick?
04:56Fuck yeah.
04:57And I'd tell him a fucking gen and fuck him up the arse for fucking free.
05:01He cocked up the count.
05:02I fucking kept this fucking farm together by the skin of my fucking teeth
05:07and I'll beat seven shades of shit
05:09out of you and every fucking dozy cock-sucking fuckface
05:12in the fucking place
05:13before I let you give it a fucking way.
05:15I'm giving the fucking farm
05:23to this cunt.
05:25For fuck's sake.
05:27For crying out fuck.
05:29This is my fucking farm.
05:31Welcome to the fucking family.
05:33A suitcase isn't just a suitcase.
05:49It's a symbol.
05:54Our newest suitcase doesn't just carry your clothes.
06:03It carries the envy of anyone who dare lay eyes on it.
06:13Four sliding wheels.
06:17Five levels of readjustable handles.
06:21I know.
06:33Canon-eyed the suitcase.
06:42It will fuck you up.
06:46If we had the budget,
06:48then that sketch would be about cars, wouldn't it?
06:50So the car goes past, everyone goes, wow.
06:53Yeah, but it wouldn't be funny if it was about cars.
06:55It wouldn't be an exaggeration
06:56because that's literally what they do.
06:58Like, you'd be amazed at a Mazda.
07:00Really?
07:00Yeah, maybe if you time-traveled from the Middle Ages,
07:02but otherwise it's just a normal car, isn't it?
07:04And if you've time-traveled from the Middle Ages,
07:06you've just seen the inside of a time machine,
07:08which would also totally recontextualise the Mazda
07:11as comparatively mundane.
07:13Mm.
07:14They are good, though.
07:15What, Mazdas?
07:16No, just all normal cars now
07:17are much better than they used to be.
07:19I mean, just in terms of defrosting.
07:21You know, it's 1991
07:22and you're getting into your second-hand
07:24Datsun Cherry on a cold and frosty morning.
07:26That is half an hour of intense shit.
07:29Scraping it, spraying it with cans of poison,
07:31kicking it, blowing on it,
07:33begging the fucking thing to go.
07:35You're just so old.
07:37This is like an oral history project.
07:39You're like a historical person
07:41telling us about the spinning jenny.
07:42Yes.
07:43I'm old enough to remember
07:44when crisp packets had little windows in
07:46so you could see the crisps inside.
07:48Was good.
07:48Yeah, the crisp packets was good,
07:50but, you know, not the dog shit,
07:51the racism or the cars.
07:52You could literally see the crisps you were going to get
07:55rather than an idealised representation of them.
07:57So if there were too many
07:58that were a little bit green round the edges,
08:00you could just move on.
08:01What?
08:02Crisp used to be green on the edge?
08:03Britain, some of them, yes.
08:04Not most, but a few.
08:06Would you eat them anyways?
08:08Invariably.
08:13Is it...
08:13Is it OK to come through?
08:16Are you ready?
08:16Come on, sir, we've got a lot of people waiting.
08:18It's not all about you.
08:19Right.
08:19Wait!
08:21Come on, then!
08:22No, no, no, no, no.
08:24Go back, go back, go back, go back.
08:26No, no, no, no.
08:27No.
08:27Do it like this, with a wiggle.
08:32Ignore the beat.
08:32It's because I've got a gun.
08:33Come on, then!
08:38What are you doing?
08:39Ricky told me to...
08:40It's on you go.
08:42Pat.
08:44Pat.
08:44Pat!
08:45Oh, yeah.
08:46Sorry.
08:46Sorry.
08:49Tray.
08:49Tray.
08:50Tray.
08:50Tray.
08:51Tray, yes.
08:52Wait!
08:54Come on, then!
08:57Watch.
08:58Oh, sorry.
08:59Watch.
09:00Yeah, my bad.
09:01Give it to me.
09:06That's fine now.
09:08Have a lovely flight.
09:10Oh, thank you.
09:11Body pass!
09:13Body pass!
09:14And I was eight years old, and I suppose I realised, that's it.
09:28He's not coming back.
09:29My dad's not coming back.
09:30I don't think I've escaped from that moment.
09:32That must have been a horrible moment.
09:35Well, yeah, it was.
09:37And as I think I've said before, I don't think I've really escaped from that moment.
09:43That must be very difficult.
09:44And I suppose I've been hoping that, as I've been coming here every week for the last three years, that you would, in some way, not cure me, exactly, but, um, okay, cure me.
10:04I mean, tell me what to do in order to feel better.
10:07It's understandable that you would want that.
10:09Well, I do want that.
10:10Of course you do.
10:11But you don't seem to be doing that.
10:13That must be hard.
10:15It is hard.
10:16So, how does it feel when I don't seem to do anything to help you?
10:20It feels shit.
10:22Of course.
10:24Okay, good.
10:25So, I'm going to press you.
10:27I feel relentlessly unhappy in my brain from a combination of what has happened to me and what I'm like.
10:32Well.
10:32And I understand that what I am like may be a product of what has happened to me.
10:36And?
10:36And that some of the things that have happened to me may be because of what I'm like.
10:40Mm-hmm.
10:41Yes, mm.
10:41So, what are you going to do to fix me?
10:44Well, that's not really how we work.
10:47Okay.
10:48If I wanted someone to deliver a tumble dryer and I asked them to put the tumble dryer in the tumble dryer space and they said, that's not really how we work, I wouldn't pay them, would I?
10:59I wouldn't give them £300.
11:00And then come back the next week with another £300 and ask them again to put the tumble dryer in the tumble dryer space and then keep doing that every week since COVID, constantly contemplating the gaping hole where there should now be a tumble dryer.
11:14It's interesting that you reach for a tumble dryer as the analogy because, in a sense, you've been tumble dried, haven't you?
11:25In what sense?
11:27I don't have to back these things up.
11:28I'm just trying to help.
11:30If you're trying to help, tell me what to do so that I feel basically okay most of the time.
11:36What should I do with all my shit?
11:39Well, I suppose if you press me, my advice would be, you know, put it out of your mind.
11:49Put it out of my mind?
11:51Yes.
11:52Put it out of your mind.
11:53When you're thinking about it, just stop and think about something else.
11:59That's it?
12:00I suppose when it comes down to it, yes, that's it.
12:03You just have to put it out of your mind.
12:06I can't.
12:09Really?
12:10You know, just think about something.
12:13Really?
12:14Really.
12:15Really?
12:17Wow.
12:18Okay, then.
12:20Well, in that case, here's someone who can sell you some crack.
12:27Just a straightforward shooting weekend.
12:37Just a straightforward shooting weekend.
12:40It was the TV scoop of the decade, in which one of the most powerful men in the world, in a sort of soft power sense anyway, was humbled, and the people of Britain got to have a huge, guilt-free laugh at a posh twat destroying his life in front of millions.
12:55But I have a peculiar medical condition, which is that I don't sweat.
13:03Or I didn't sweat at the time.
13:05It was such a massive deal that the story of how it was achieved had to be told in a drama almost immediately after it had happened.
13:13You could make him look like a dick.
13:15Brilliant idea, Sam.
13:16But that wasn't the end of it, because another channel made a slightly different drama about exactly the same thing.
13:24I'm going to make him look like a dick.
13:26Sam, get us a round of teas and coffees, please.
13:30Right away.
13:31Now, at last, a drama about how those two dramas about how the Prince Andrew interview came to be made, has come to be made.
13:40Because what's the alternative? Make up a new story for a drama?
13:43I don't think so. That doesn't work.
13:45Everything has got to be based on a true story, or a remake, otherwise it will lose money.
13:50Hi there. I'm the real Emily Maitless.
13:53Pleased to meet you. I'm Amerson.
13:55Well done on the Prince Andrew interview. That's certainly put the world to rights.
13:58Thank you. And of course, I'm mainly why that interview happened, so I thought we could make a drama about it.
14:03Great idea. Let's do it. We could use some of the money we made destroying the high street.
14:07By the way, why didn't you go to Netflix?
14:10Welcome to Netflix.
14:11I'm Sam McAllister, the person who mainly made the Prince Andrew interview happen,
14:15rather than anyone on screen who usually take credit for these things.
14:19Of course.
14:19So, I thought we could make a drama about it.
14:22Otherwise, there's a risk that everyone will stop banging on about it.
14:25Well, we can't have that.
14:26Hmm. Let's do it. We can use some of the money we made from televising Princess Diana's bulimia.
14:32Some stories have to be told.
14:34Twice.
14:37With slightly different takes on how the admin was done.
14:40This research is riddled with errors.
14:42And that's not how you spell Ghislaine.
14:44It's Prince Anthony. Is that right?
14:46It's Andrew. Emily.
14:47Oh, you're a lifesaver.
14:48How's my hair?
14:49Coming to ITV this autumn.
14:52The true story of how the two dramas which both told how the Prince Andrew interview on Newsnight got made,
14:58were themselves made.
14:59It's just been announced.
15:01The BBC are doing their own version of this,
15:04with James Corden playing both Prince Andrews.
15:07Shit!
15:07Let me show you what I mean.
15:17OK.
15:18We've recently developed all sorts of new ways of analysing web traffic.
15:22Yeah.
15:23It's very, very clever and illuminating.
15:25Great.
15:26It's really no longer as simple a metric as number of views.
15:30Oh.
15:31And this is where you come into the kitchen.
15:33You have a problem with your washing machine?
15:36So, yes, we can actually see what bit viewers are focusing on most.
15:40I think I can guess which bit.
15:42You might be surprised.
15:45I'm going to need my big spanner.
15:48OK, so here...
15:49Sounds like I'm talking about my big cock.
15:51Yes, except we've just been looking at your big cock,
15:53so we know you don't mean that.
15:55Yeah.
15:56You literally do mean that you need...
15:59Different sized spanner.
16:01And actually, this is where we see a real uplift in views.
16:05Really?
16:06Yes, it builds from here and peaks at this point,
16:10four minutes, 12 seconds,
16:12when you take the front off the washing machine
16:14and start to replace the drum.
16:16You see this bit?
16:18Yes, we see this a lot with the Electrolux.
16:20Have you got the part?
16:22No, I'll have to order it in.
16:23Yes, that's the absolute viewing numbers peak,
16:27and then it drops off a cliff when you start having sex again.
16:30Although there is then another peak in the follow-up video
16:33when you arrive with the replacement part from Electrolux.
16:37Lots of views for you sticking it in.
16:39So they do want to see that?
16:40I can't believe how badly I expressed that.
16:43They want to see you repair the washing machine,
16:45not have a fuck with the lady.
16:47Not have a fuck with the lady?
16:48No, that's what the analysis is telling us.
16:51But I've always been the sexy...
16:53The sexy plumber.
16:55Yes, you're a big star, Barry.
16:57A stalwart of the industry.
16:59You always get the highest number of hits.
17:01Turning up in your boiler suit with your tools.
17:04Getting down to business.
17:05Well, this is it.
17:06It's always been sex and plumbing.
17:09And I suppose, cynics that we are,
17:12we've all been sort of assuming that the sex was the draw.
17:15But...
17:16But...
17:17They're watching for the plumbing, Barry.
17:19That's what they want.
17:21Plumbing tips.
17:22You've been doing this for a long time,
17:23and without realising it,
17:25you've become a damn good plumber.
17:27They don't want to see...
17:28Damn good plumber.
17:30I don't want to...
17:31A really damn, damn good plumber.
17:34Look...
17:34I'd take the compliment, Barry.
17:36The internet is full of porn,
17:38but a genuinely helpful step-by-step guide
17:41to replacing a U-bend is like a hen's tooth.
17:44I don't know what to say.
17:46You wear your knowledge so lightly.
17:47In all the other instructional videos online,
17:50the men doing the explaining take ages
17:52because they're so thrilled with themselves.
17:54You're different.
17:55You just spend that time getting blown
17:57and then do the plumbing bit super quickly.
17:59It's much less patronising.
18:03Are you going to stop paying me to have sex?
18:06We are, yes.
18:07And start paying me to do plumbing?
18:09Indeed.
18:10So, obviously, I've called you in here
18:13to discuss a pay rise.
18:16Okay, but what's funny about that punchline?
18:18It's making the satirical point
18:20that plumbers are expensive.
18:22More expensive than porn stars?
18:23Obviously, I have no idea,
18:25but plumbers are expensive.
18:26God, yeah.
18:27I think people will relate to that.
18:29Bloody plumbers.
18:30Okay, I just don't know if that's, like,
18:32is that what we want this show to say?
18:34I find it comforting.
18:36You know, bloody plumbers.
18:37Bloody weather.
18:38Nice old complaints.
18:40You know where you are.
18:42Okay, but I just feel like it's a sketch about porn.
18:45For me, it's about plumbing.
18:47I think it's nice to start with a sexual theme
18:50and then move immediately away from it.
18:52I think that's nice.
18:53For me, the classic plumber and pawn scenario
18:56is a fantasy about escaping the plumber's astronomical bill.
19:00You know, can I fuck my way out of this?
19:03That's not what I...
19:04I just think the sex industry is something
19:05that we need to confront.
19:07You know, like, not the sex workers.
19:08Obviously, what they're doing is amazing,
19:11or yes,
19:12but the industry.
19:14That's what I'm saying.
19:15The industry is something we want to confront.
19:17Like, the client.
19:18They're the problem.
19:20And we want to make a sketch where we say,
19:22the people who hold the means of production,
19:24they're wrong.
19:25Plumbers are so expensive.
19:29But what...
19:30What if the boiler goes?
19:32Hmm?
19:33It could go at any moment.
19:36You have to be kidding.
19:37Leave him.
19:38And unless my demands are met,
19:44I will activate the ray
19:46and trigger the destruction of the entire world.
19:53Please, you can't do this.
19:54Oh, I most certainly can.
19:57We beg of you.
19:58We need more time.
19:59We want to live.
19:59We all want to live.
20:01Cease your pathetic sniveling.
20:02The second I pull this lever,
20:05the death ray will charge
20:07and the entire world
20:08will be annihilated
20:10in 56 years.
20:15What?
20:16The world as you know it.
20:19The entirety of the...
20:20No, we heard that.
20:21What was the second bit?
20:23In 56 years.
20:27So it'll take...
20:29A death ray of this magnitude
20:30needs an amount of time to charge
20:33and in this case,
20:33yes, it will take 56 years.
20:3656 years?
20:37The second I pull this...
20:3856 years?
20:39The world will end forever!
20:42No, no, absolutely.
20:43It's still bad.
20:45Still?
20:45Oh, yeah, it's terrifying for sure.
20:48The entire world's destroyed!
20:51It's just difficult to get up a sense of urgency
20:53with that as a time frame.
20:55That's what it is, yeah.
20:56I mean, I don't want to die.
20:57I don't want my kids to die.
20:59No, that thing about the kids is completely valid.
21:01But then...
21:02It's just...
21:02I don't...
21:03It's not quite...
21:04What are you talking about?
21:0556 years is sort of...
21:07I don't know.
21:08Like, personally,
21:09I'm better with a deadline.
21:11Same, same.
21:11Yeah, I mean, aren't we all?
21:12For me, it's the not-knowing.
21:13Ugh, the not-knowing is so much worse.
21:15Yeah, just get it done,
21:16do you know what I mean?
21:16Yeah, it's like a bit of a relief.
21:18Thank you, yes.
21:19It is, isn't it?
21:20Yeah.
21:20You cannot want the world to end in 56 years.
21:24We don't.
21:24No, no, no, no, no.
21:25But also...
21:27I mean, what can we do, really?
21:28You can meet my demands.
21:30Oh, God.
21:31And we absolutely would.
21:33But we're already juggling so much already.
21:35Oh, you can say that again.
21:36You could walk around in the knowledge
21:40that the world is ending
21:41and you're doing nothing to stop it.
21:43I mean, we don't want to,
21:46but it's hard to make it a priority.
21:49Well, you know,
21:50this has been a real wake-up call for me.
21:51Yeah, thank you.
21:53Really.
21:53What? No, just transfer the funds into my account.
21:56We will let everyone know.
21:58Yeah.
21:59Why have I been in such a funk?
22:00It's only 56 years.
22:04This can be avoided.
22:06Shut the door, shall we?
22:11Do you know what?
22:14They don't deserve it.
22:16Let the oceans boil them to death,
22:18they're pricks.
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