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00:00Right, house meeting.
00:18Can you pack it in with a harpsichord? We know what century it is.
00:21Charming.
00:22Right, weird one.
00:24No one is using the special new room for having a shit.
00:28Come on, you know who you are. You're all of you.
00:31I've just had a shit in there and it's obvious no one else has
00:34because the date on the arse wiping newspaper is still the same date
00:37as when the water closet was originally installed.
00:40What is the problem?
00:41I don't see the point of it.
00:43Why do we have to go to a whole special room just to do a shit?
00:46What's wrong with just shitting in a pot and throwing it out the window?
00:49Yeah, and what happens when you want to do a shit
00:51and you go to the special room for doing a shit and someone's in there already?
00:54Well, you just have to wait.
00:56Wait? To do a shit? How is this a step forward?
01:00Answer, it isn't. It's worse.
01:02We are all perfectly happy doing our turds in pots
01:05and then hurling them out the window.
01:07But imagine if everyone did that.
01:08I don't have to imagine if everyone did that.
01:10Everyone does do that. It's called London.
01:13But this flush technology is so exciting. It's the future.
01:17Your shit lands in this little pool of water
01:20and sometimes you get a slight splash up the bum.
01:22Why is that good?
01:24Okay, that's not the point of it.
01:25Who wants to splash up the bum?
01:27Look, don't fixate on the splashing. I don't know why I mentioned that.
01:30What's good is that when you've finished, you pull the handle and the shit just goes.
01:35Forever.
01:36You don't have to worry about it.
01:38I don't worry about it when I chuck it out the window. I don't give it another thought.
01:41No, it's better because now it's not just piled up on the road. It's in the river.
01:46Where the poor people go to wash.
01:48Yes, but you're missing the point. Fuck them. We have a nice tidy house.
01:52Not really. There's still piss everywhere.
01:55But you're supposed to piss in there as well.
01:57What? You're supposed to use the special water closet when you want to piss.
02:02For a piss? We're supposed to go in there whenever we want to piss. Like every time.
02:07It's just not workable. You go in the room, you come out of the room. I have other things to do.
02:12And how do you piss in there anyway? You're supposed to go in there and take your trousers off and sit down.
02:17Because what's going to happen? Ooh, the world might end if I get piss on my trousers.
02:22That's basically all they're for, isn't it? Soak up the piss?
02:25You just think everything modern is good, don't you?
02:28You were the same with not rounding up women who were good at herbal remedies and drowning them.
02:33Oh, that was creepy. Oh, let's not drown the women and let's all go in a special room for pissing and shitting.
02:39What kind of future are you imagining?
02:41One full of witches and no shit. In what single way would that be better? Hmm?
02:56Hi.
03:02Don't need a tray for the case. Sorry?
03:05Don't need a tray for the case.
03:07Don't need a tray for the case!
03:09Oh, yes, I'm sorry, I didn't hear. Um, case in the tray.
03:12Oh, but then...
03:13Case in the tray.
03:14Yes.
03:15In a tray.
03:16In a tray?
03:17Yes.
03:18Case in the tray.
03:22Shoes off.
03:23Oh.
03:24Should I take my shoes off?
03:25No.
03:26Should I put the shoes in the tray?
03:31In the tray?
03:32Yes.
03:33Yeah.
03:35Is that switched off?
03:37Yeah.
03:38Is it?
03:39Um...
03:40I don't...
03:41Oh, I turned it on now.
03:43On?
03:44It can't be on.
03:45Are you trying to crash the aeroplane?
03:46No.
03:47Off.
03:48Oh.
03:49What are you doing?
03:50I'm taking my belt off.
03:51Who told you to strip?
03:52Sorry, sometimes...
03:53Why are you getting undressed in public if you've got a problem?
03:56Sorry.
03:57You can smell your socks.
03:58You're so sweaty.
03:59Sorry, I...
04:01I had to rush to get to the check-in and it...
04:04You look very shifty and guilty.
04:06Yes.
04:07Sorry.
04:08Do we need the case after this?
04:09Passport ready?
04:10Yes.
04:11Passport ready!
04:12Passport!
04:13Get your passport!
04:14Passport ready!
04:15Get your passport ready!
04:16Get your passport ready!
04:17Let me go, passport!
04:18Is it ready?
04:19What's it you doing?
04:20Look at that man.
04:21Leave it.
04:22Leave it.
04:23Move it off.
04:24Where is it?
04:25Is it in the tray?
04:30Previously, on Swearie Aussie Drama...
04:35Fucking fuck, fuckface.
04:37What the fuck's going on?
04:39One cock-sucking minute with one fucking number,
04:42and the fucking next with a fucking another.
04:44You've cocked up the count, you dozy prick.
04:47Fuck off, you smelly old asshole.
04:49I've cocked up fucking fuck all.
04:51Those numbers are solid as a fucking rock.
04:53Don't you fucking fuck with me, you little prick,
04:56or you'll not get the fucking farm.
04:58If you're still drawing breath,
05:00I don't want your cunt fucking farm,
05:02you dozy old twat.
05:09Did you tell my fucking husband you went giving him the farm,
05:14you dick-breath old prick?
05:16Fuck yeah.
05:17And I'd tell him a fucking gen,
05:19and fuck him up the ass for fucking free.
05:21He cocked up the count.
05:23I fucking kept this fucking farm together
05:26by the skin of my fucking teeth,
05:28and I'll beat seven shades of shit
05:30out of you and every fucking dozy cock-sucking fuckface
05:33in the fucking place
05:34before I let you give it a fucking way.
05:37I'm giving the fucking farm to this cunt.
05:47Fuck's sake.
05:49For crying out fuck.
05:51This is my fucking farm.
05:53Welcome to the fucking family.
06:07A suitcase isn't just a suitcase.
06:12It's a symbol.
06:18Our newest suitcase doesn't just carry your clothes.
06:23It carries the envy of anyone who dare lay eyes on it.
06:39Four sliding wheels.
06:42Five levels of readjustable handles.
06:46I know.
06:53No!
07:04Canon-eyed suitcase.
07:06It will fuck you up.
07:13If we had the budget,
07:14then that sketch would be about cars, wouldn't it?
07:17So the car goes past,
07:18everyone goes, wow.
07:19Yeah, but it wouldn't be funny if it was about cars.
07:21It wouldn't be an exaggeration, because that's literally what they do.
07:25Like, you'd be amazed at a Mazda. Really?
07:27Maybe if you time-traveled from the Middle Ages,
07:29but otherwise it's just a normal car, isn't it?
07:31And if you've time-traveled from the Middle Ages,
07:33you've just seen the inside of a time machine,
07:35which would also totally recontextualise the Mazda
07:38as comparatively mundane.
07:40Mm. They are good, though.
07:42What, Mazdas?
07:44No, just all normal cars now are much better than they used to be.
07:46I mean, just in terms of defrosting.
07:49You know, it's 1991, and you're getting into your second-hand
07:51Datsun cherry on a cold and frosty morning.
07:54That is half an hour of intense shit.
07:57Scraping it, spraying it with cans of poison,
08:00kicking it, blowing on it, begging the fucking thing to go.
08:03You're just so old.
08:05This is like an oral history project.
08:08You're like a historical person telling us about the Spitting Jenny.
08:11Yes. I'm old enough to remember when crisp packets
08:14had little windows in so you could see the crisps inside.
08:17Was good.
08:17Yeah, the crisp packets was good, but, you know,
08:19not the dog shit, the racism or the cars.
08:22You could literally see the crisps you were going to get
08:24rather than an idealised representation of them.
08:27So if there were too many that were a little bit green round the edges,
08:30you could just move on.
08:31What? Crispies to be green on the edge?
08:33Britain, some of them, yes.
08:34Not most, but a few.
08:36Would you eat them anyways?
08:38Invariably.
08:39Oh, is it...
08:44Is it OK to come through?
08:46Are you ready?
08:47Come on, sir, we've got a lot of people waiting.
08:49It's not all about you.
08:50Right.
08:50Wait!
08:52Come on, then!
08:55No, no, no, no, no.
08:55Go back, go back, go back, go back.
08:57No, no, no.
08:58No.
08:58Do it like this, with a wiggle.
08:59Ignore the beep, it's because I've got a gun.
09:05Come on, then!
09:09What are you doing?
09:11Ricky told me to...
09:12It's on you go.
09:14Pat!
09:15Pat!
09:16Pat!
09:17Oh, yeah, sorry.
09:21Trey!
09:21Trey!
09:22Trey!
09:22Trey!
09:23Trey!
09:24Yes.
09:25Wait!
09:26Come on, then!
09:29Watch.
09:31Oh, sorry.
09:32Watch.
09:33Yeah, my bad.
09:34Give it to me.
09:39That's fine now.
09:41Have a lovely flight.
09:43Oh, thank you.
09:44Body pass!
09:46Body pass!
09:47Help!
09:48Help!
09:57And I was eight years old,
09:59and I suppose I realised
10:00that's it.
10:02He's not coming back.
10:04My dad's not coming back.
10:06That must have been a horrible moment.
10:10Well, yeah, it was.
10:12And as I think I've said before,
10:14I don't think I've really escaped from that moment.
10:18That must be very difficult.
10:19Yes, it is.
10:24And I suppose I've been hoping that,
10:27as I've been coming here every week
10:29for the last three years,
10:31that you would, in some way,
10:34not cure me, exactly,
10:36but, um...
10:38OK, cure me.
10:40I mean, tell me what to do
10:41in order to feel better.
10:43It's understandable that you would want that.
10:45Well, I do want that.
10:46Of course you do.
10:48But you don't seem to be doing that.
10:50That must be hard.
10:51It is hard.
10:52So, how does it feel
10:54when I don't seem to do anything to help you?
10:57It feels shit.
10:59Of course.
11:01OK, good.
11:02So, I'm going to press you.
11:04I feel relentlessly unhappy in my brain
11:06from a combination of what has happened to me
11:08and what I'm like.
11:09Well...
11:10And I understand that what I am like
11:11may be a product of what has happened to me.
11:13And?
11:14And that some of the things that have happened to me
11:16may be because of what I'm like.
11:18Mm-hm.
11:18Yes, mm.
11:19So, what are you going to do to fix me?
11:22Well, that's not really how we work.
11:25OK, if I wanted someone to deliver a tumble dryer
11:28and I asked them to put the tumble dryer
11:30in the tumble dryer space
11:32and they said,
11:34that's not really how we work,
11:36I wouldn't pay them, would I?
11:38I wouldn't give them £300
11:39and then come back the next week
11:41with another £300
11:42and ask them again to put the tumble dryer
11:44in the tumble dryer space
11:45and then keep doing that
11:47every week since COVID,
11:49constantly contemplating the gaping hole
11:51where there should now be a tumble dryer.
11:54It's interesting that you reach for a tumble dryer
11:57as the analogy
11:59because, in a sense,
12:02you've been tumble dryer, haven't you?
12:05In what sense?
12:07I don't have to back these things up.
12:08I'm just trying to help.
12:11If you're trying to help,
12:12tell me what to do
12:14so that I feel basically OK most of the time.
12:17What should I do with all my shit?
12:19Well, I suppose if you'd press me,
12:24my advice would be, you know,
12:28put it out of your mind.
12:31Put it out of my mind?
12:32Yes.
12:33Put it out of your mind.
12:35When you're thinking about it,
12:37just stop and think about something else.
12:41That's it?
12:42I suppose when it comes down to it,
12:44yes, that's it.
12:45You just have to put it out of your mind.
12:48I can't.
12:51Really?
12:52You know, just think about something.
12:55Really?
12:57Really.
12:58Really?
12:59Wow.
13:01OK, then.
13:03Well, in that case,
13:05here's someone who can sell you some crack.
13:10Just a straightforward shooting weekend.
13:21Just a straightforward shooting weekend.
13:24It was the TV scoop of the decade
13:26in which one of the most powerful men in the world,
13:29in a sort of soft power sense anyway,
13:31was humbled,
13:33and the people of Britain
13:34got to have a huge guilt-free laugh
13:36at a posh twat
13:38destroying his life in front of millions.
13:41I have a peculiar medical condition,
13:45which is that I don't sweat.
13:48Or I didn't sweat at the time.
13:50It was such a massive deal
13:52that the story of how it was achieved
13:54had to be told in a drama
13:56almost immediately after it had happened.
13:59You could make him look like a dick.
14:01Brilliant idea, Sam.
14:02But that wasn't the end of it,
14:04because another channel
14:06made a slightly different drama
14:07about exactly the same thing.
14:10I'm going to make him look like a dick.
14:11Oh, yes.
14:12Sam, get us a round of teas and coffees, please.
14:16Right away.
14:17Now, at last,
14:19a drama about how those two dramas
14:21about how the Prince Andrew interview
14:23came to be made
14:24has come to be made.
14:26Because what's the alternative?
14:28Make up a new story for a drama?
14:30I don't think so.
14:31That doesn't work.
14:33Everything has got to be based
14:34on a true story or a remake,
14:36otherwise it will lose money.
14:38Hi there.
14:38I'm the real Emily Maitless.
14:40Pleased to meet you.
14:41I'm Amerson.
14:42Well done on the Prince Andrew interview.
14:44That certainly put the world to rights.
14:46And of course,
14:47I'm mainly why that interview happened,
14:49so I thought we could make a drama about it.
14:51Great idea.
14:52Let's do it.
14:52We could use some of the money
14:53we made destroying the high street.
14:55By the way,
14:56why didn't you go to Netflix?
14:58Welcome to Netflix.
14:59I'm Sam McAllister,
15:01the person who mainly made
15:02the Prince Andrew interview happen,
15:04rather than anyone on screen
15:05who usually take credit for these things.
15:07Of course.
15:08So,
15:09I thought we could make a drama about it.
15:11Otherwise,
15:11there's a risk that everyone
15:12will stop banging on about it.
15:14Well,
15:14we can't have that.
15:15Let's do it.
15:16We can use some of the money
15:17we made from televising
15:18Princess Diana's bulimia.
15:21Some stories have to be told.
15:24Twice.
15:24With slightly different takes
15:28on how the admin was done.
15:30This research is riddled with errors.
15:32And that's not how you spell Ghislaine.
15:34It's Prince Anthony.
15:35Is that right?
15:36It's Andrew, Emily.
15:37Oh,
15:37you're a lifesaver.
15:39How's my hair?
15:40Yeah.
15:41Coming to ITV this autumn,
15:42the true story
15:43of how the two dramas
15:45which both told
15:46how the Prince Andrew interview
15:47on Newsnight got made
15:48were themselves made.
15:50It's just been announced
15:52that BBC are doing
15:53their own version of this
15:54with James Corden
15:56playing both Prince Andrews.
15:58Shit!
16:06Let me show you what I mean.
16:09Okay.
16:10We've recently developed
16:11all sorts of new ways
16:12of analysing web traffic.
16:14Yeah.
16:15It's very, very clever
16:16and illuminating.
16:17Great.
16:18It's really no longer
16:19as simple a metric
16:20as number of views.
16:22Oh.
16:23And this is where
16:24you come into the kitchen.
16:26You have a problem
16:27with your washing machine?
16:28So, yes,
16:29we can actually see
16:30what bit viewers
16:31are focusing on most.
16:32I think I can guess
16:33which bit.
16:35You might be surprised.
16:38I'm going to need
16:39my big spanner.
16:41Okay, so here...
16:42Sounds like I'm talking
16:43about my big cock.
16:44Yes, except
16:45we've just been looking
16:46at your big cock
16:47so we know
16:47you don't mean that.
16:49Yep.
16:50You literally do mean
16:51that you need
16:52a different size spanner.
16:55And actually,
16:56this is where we see
16:57a real uplift in views.
16:59Really?
17:00Yes, it builds from here
17:02and peaks at this point,
17:04four minutes,
17:0512 seconds,
17:06when you take the front
17:07off the washing machine
17:08and start to replace
17:09the drum.
17:10Do you see this bit?
17:12Yes, we see this a lot
17:14with the Electrolux.
17:15Have you got the part?
17:17No.
17:17I'll have to order it in.
17:19Yes, that's the absolute
17:20viewing numbers peak
17:22and then it drops off
17:23a cliff
17:24when you start
17:24having sex again.
17:26Although,
17:26there is then
17:27another peak
17:28in the follow-up video
17:29when you arrive
17:30with the replacement part
17:31from Electrolux.
17:32Lots of views
17:33for you sticking it in.
17:35So they do want to see that?
17:36I can't believe
17:37how badly I expressed that.
17:39They want to see you
17:40repair the washing machine,
17:41not have a fuck
17:42with the lady.
17:43Not have a fuck
17:44with the lady?
17:45No, that's what
17:45the analysis is telling us.
17:48But I've always been
17:49the sexy...
17:50The sexy plumber.
17:51Yes, you're a big star, Barry.
17:54A stalwart of the industry.
17:56You always get
17:56the highest number of hits.
17:58Turning up in your boiler suit
18:00with your tools.
18:01Yeah, getting down to business.
18:02Well, this is it.
18:03It's always been
18:04sex and plumbing.
18:06And I suppose
18:07cynics that we are,
18:09we've all been
18:10sort of assuming
18:10that the sex
18:11was the draw.
18:13But...
18:13But...
18:14They're watching
18:15for the plumbing, Barry.
18:17That's what they want.
18:19Plumbing tips.
18:20You've been doing this
18:21for a long time
18:21and without realising it,
18:23you've become
18:23a damn good plumber.
18:25They don't want to see...
18:26Damn good plumber.
18:28I don't want to...
18:29A really damn,
18:30damn good plumber.
18:32Look...
18:33I'd take the compliment, Barry.
18:35The internet is full of porn,
18:37but a genuinely helpful
18:39step-by-step guide
18:40to replacing a U-bend
18:41is like a hen's tooth.
18:43I don't know what to say.
18:45You wear your knowledge
18:46so lightly.
18:47In all the other
18:48instructional videos online,
18:49the men doing the explaining
18:51take ages
18:52because they're so thrilled
18:53with themselves.
18:54You're different.
18:55You just spend that time
18:55getting blown
18:56and then do the plumbing bit
18:57super quickly.
18:59It's much less patronising.
19:04Are you going to
19:04stop paying me
19:05to have sex?
19:06We are, yes.
19:07And start paying me
19:08to do plumbing?
19:09Indeed.
19:10So, obviously,
19:12I've called you in here
19:13to discuss a pay rise.
19:17Okay, but what's funny
19:17about that punchline?
19:19It's making the satirical point
19:21that plumbers
19:21are expensive.
19:23More expensive
19:24than porn stars?
19:25Obviously,
19:25I have no idea,
19:26but plumbers
19:26are expensive.
19:27God, yeah.
19:28I think people
19:29will relate to that.
19:30Bloody plumbers.
19:31Okay, I just don't know
19:32if that's, like,
19:33is that what we want
19:34this show to say?
19:36I find it comforting.
19:37You know,
19:38bloody plumbers,
19:39bloody weather,
19:40nice old complaints.
19:41You know where you are.
19:43Okay, but I just feel
19:45like it's a sketch
19:45about porn.
19:47For me,
19:48it's about plumbing.
19:49I think it's nice
19:50to start with
19:51a sexual theme
19:52and then move
19:53immediately away from it.
19:54I think that's nice.
19:56For me,
19:56the classic
19:57plumber in porn scenario
19:58is a fantasy
20:00about escaping
20:01the plumber's
20:01astronomical bill.
20:03You know,
20:04can I fuck my way
20:05out of this?
20:05That's not what I...
20:07I just think
20:07the sex industry
20:08is something
20:08that we need
20:09to confront.
20:10You know,
20:10like, not the sex workers.
20:11Obviously,
20:12what they're doing
20:12is amazing,
20:14or yes,
20:16but the industry.
20:18That's what I'm saying.
20:18The industry
20:19is something
20:19we want to confront.
20:20Like, the client,
20:22they're the problem.
20:23And we want to make
20:24a sketch where we say,
20:26the people who hold
20:27the means of production,
20:28they are wrong.
20:29Plumbers are so expensive.
20:33But...
20:34What if the boiler goes?
20:36Hmm?
20:37It could go
20:38at any moment.
20:41You have to be kidding.
20:42Leave him.
20:42And unless
20:47my demands are met,
20:49I will activate
20:50the ray
20:51and trigger
20:52the destruction
20:53of the entire world!
20:56Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
20:58Please,
20:59you can't do this.
21:00Oh,
21:00I most certainly can.
21:02We beg of you.
21:03We need more time.
21:05We want to live.
21:05We all want to live.
21:06Cease your pathetic
21:07snivelling.
21:08The second
21:09I pull this lever,
21:11the death ray
21:12will charge
21:13and the entire world
21:14will be annihilated
21:16in 56 years!
21:22What?
21:23The world as you know it,
21:25the entirety of the...
21:27No, we heard that.
21:28What was the second bit?
21:30In 56 years!
21:33So it'll take...
21:36A death ray
21:37of this magnitude
21:38needs an amount
21:39of time to charge
21:40and in this case,
21:41yes, it will take
21:4156 years!
21:4356 years?
21:44The second I pull this...
21:4656 years?
21:47The world will end!
21:49It's forever!
21:50No, no, absolutely.
21:51It's still bad.
21:53Still?
21:53Oh, yes.
21:54It's terrifying,
21:55for sure.
21:56The entire world!
21:58Destroyed!
21:59It's just difficult
22:00to get up a sense
22:01of urgency
22:02with that as a time frame.
22:03That's what it is, yeah.
22:04I mean, I don't want to die.
22:06I don't want my kids to die.
22:07No, that thing about the kids
22:08is completely valid.
22:10But then...
22:11It's just...
22:11I don't...
22:12It's not quite...
22:13What are you talking about?
22:1456 years is sort of...
22:17I don't know.
22:17Like, personally,
22:18I'm better with a deadline.
22:20Same, same.
22:21I mean, aren't we all?
22:22For me, it's not knowing.
22:23Ugh, the not knowing
22:24is so much worse.
22:24Yeah, just get it done,
22:26do you know what I mean?
22:26Yeah, it's like
22:27a bit of a relief.
22:28Thank you, yes.
22:29It is, isn't it?
22:30Yeah.
22:30You cannot want
22:31the world to end
22:32in 56 years.
22:34We don't.
22:34No, no, no, no, no.
22:35But also...
22:37I mean, what can we do, really?
22:39You can meet my demands.
22:40Oh, God.
22:41And we absolutely would.
22:43But we're already
22:44juggling so much already.
22:45Oh, you can say that again.
22:47You...
22:47You could walk around
22:49in the knowledge
22:50that the world is ending
22:52and you're doing
22:53nothing to stop it.
22:54I mean,
22:55we don't want to,
22:57but it's hard
22:59to make it a priority.
23:00Well, do you know,
23:01this has been
23:01a real wake-up call for me.
23:03Yeah.
23:04Really.
23:05What?
23:05No, just transfer the funds
23:07into my account.
23:08We will let everyone know.
23:10Yeah.
23:10Why have I been in such a funk?
23:12It's only 56 years
23:14that this can be avoided.
23:18Shut the door, shall we?
23:25Do you know what?
23:27They don't deserve it.
23:29Let the oceans
23:29boil them to death,
23:31the pricks.
23:31We'll see you next time.
24:01We'll see you next time.
24:03We'll see you next time.
24:04Bye.
24:05Bye.
24:05Bye.
24:05Bye.
24:05Bye.
24:05Bye.
24:05Bye.
24:05Bye.
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