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00:00Right, I called to order this week's meeting of the church elders of New Scunthorpe.
00:13Are we sticking with Scunthorpe?
00:15At the last meeting I thought we said we'd pick somewhere nicer, like New Bath or New Cheltenham.
00:20Hang on, hang on, what's this new business? Why is everyone saying new now?
00:24New is a new way of saying new, or as I prefer, new.
00:28Why do we need a new way of saying new?
00:30Just starting to feel more natural, like my mom was saying.
00:33Like your what? What is going on?
00:35We don't know. There's something new in the air.
00:37For me it's just saying new, but for others it's more, well, ask Tabitha to say squirrel.
00:43Ha, yeah, good one. Say squirrel, Tabitha. Say the squirrel looked in the mirror.
00:48The squirrel looked in the mirror?
00:53What's the problem?
00:54Nothing, it's nothing.
00:55Is not laughter sinful?
00:56Oh, Christ. Sorry, Lord.
00:58Shun him.
00:59Shun him for he's a papist and a blasphemer.
01:01Shun him!
01:02Shun him!
01:03Shun him!
01:04Shun him!
01:05Shun him!
01:06Shun him!
01:07No, no, no, no. I didn't mean it. I repent.
01:08Repentance is not for this life, devil.
01:09Do you go to confession with your new papist friends?
01:12No, of course not. This is New England.
01:14New England, Satan.
01:15New England, and there are no Catholics here at all, apart from in the French bit.
01:19He has knowledge of the French bit.
01:20He has knowledge of the French bit.
01:21He celebrates the French bit's ways with their dancing and cuisine and knee tremblers.
01:25What do you know of knee tremblers, Jezebel whore? She speaks of knee tremblers. Shun her!
01:30Shun her!
01:31Shun her!
01:32Shun her!
01:33Take her hat buckle.
01:34No, not my hat buckle. I need it for if my head changes size.
01:37As well it might as your head swells with the sexual flattery of Lucifer.
01:42He said sexual! Shun him!
01:44Shun him!
01:45Shun him!
01:46Shun him!
01:47Shun him!
01:48Shun him!
01:49Just a thought. Has Lucy shot for Lucifer?
01:51I don't think so.
01:52Oh, that's a relief. I've got a daughter called Lucy.
01:55Shun him!
01:56He has a daughter called Lucifer! The devil has sprung from his loin! Shun him!
02:01Shun him!
02:02Shun him!
02:03Yes!
02:04Shun him! Shun him!
02:05But also shun her, for she said loin.
02:06Ah!
02:07I meant lions, but I'm dyslexic.
02:09Shun her, for she is dyslexic!
02:10Shun the dyslexic!
02:11Shun her!
02:12Ah!
02:13Shun her!
02:14Shun her!
02:15Can I just say, this is all very well, but this is why we get very little done in these meetings.
02:19Shun him!
02:20Shun him!
02:21I'm already shunned!
02:22Shun him again for good measure!
02:24Fuck off, Andrew. Look, while we're all busy shunning each other, nothing gets achieved.
02:28We're supposed to be discussing digging a well for the village.
02:31Talk to the hand, John. The face isn't listening.
02:33He exhorts us to address his hand. He wishes us to worship a false idol.
02:38Nay, we shall not bow down to your instrument of self-pleasure!
02:42Shun him!
02:43Shun him!
02:44Shun him!
02:45Shun him once again!
02:46You say what I think she said.
02:47Yeah.
02:48She just called you a wanker.
02:49Shun him once again!
02:50Shun him!
02:51Shun him once again!
02:55Previously on swearing Aussie drama...
02:58You fucking dead to a fuck sight better than that…
03:13You lost the fucking right to tell me who the fuck when you lost the fucking farm.
03:18I'll fucking kill the fucker.
03:21What the fuck?
03:24I've kept this fucking farm together through fucking thick and fucking thin
03:28and I'll be fucked before I lose the fucker to this stupid little fucking cunt.
03:33I thought you loved me, you dick-breath dog fuck.
03:37So did I, you fucking bitch.
03:39I was only fucking fucking up for the fucking farm.
03:44Fair fucking up.
03:46I'm fucking lying.
03:47I fucking love you, you stupid fucking bitch.
03:51You fuck.
03:53No.
03:56Oh no.
04:00No.
04:05Fuck.
04:06This is my fucking farm now.
04:14Right.
04:15There's gonna be a fair few fucking changes around here.
04:20Wait just one fucking moment.
04:23Fuck.
04:23Shit.
04:24Piss.
04:24Cunt.
04:25Who the fuck are you?
04:26I'm your fucking mother.
04:28So wash your fucking mouth out, you dozy fucking bitch.
04:36Hello there.
04:45What happened to that bloody report?
04:48I don't know, detective.
04:49Well you'd better start thinking quick love or your CID career's gonna be as short as that skirt.
04:56You stupid tart.
04:57Treasured memories.
05:02I was actually the last actor on British television to wolf whistle at a schoolgirl in a way the audience was invited to find fun.
05:11But times change, and rightly so.
05:16Since then I've been the bloke playing a different detective who's older, a judge who's even older, and then the chap offering life insurance with no pesky medical and a free jigsaw just for applying.
05:29And when I say jigsaw, I mean the cardboard puzzle, not the power tool, which would ironically have invalidated your life insurance.
05:38Anyway, we must get on.
05:40This is turning into an amazingly long advertisement.
05:44But then you are watching daytime on ITV4 where the advertising is basically free,
05:49and the repeat of the Sweeney this is in the middle of has had to have six minutes cut out of it, for reasons you can probably guess.
05:57So we've got all the time in the world.
06:02Or have we?
06:04Because we all know that we haven't got forever.
06:09Good boy.
06:09Benji's at peace now.
06:21He won't be suffering anymore.
06:23To be honest, he was more or less okay, but he did keep shitting in the lounge.
06:28And if you're shitting in the lounge, you might want to consider the deathly task, cut your losses plan.
06:35For a reasonable price, you can pay the ultimate price, and your loved ones will have the peace of mind of knowing that they can start getting your smell out of all that lovely property equity.
06:47Meanwhile, you check in to one of our luxurious clinic-cum-crematoria, kick back in a joint and muscle-soothing motorized recliner.
06:56Our nurses humorously refer to them as electric chairs, though of course you'll be killed by poison injection.
07:05And select a delicious last meal from our menu of Michelin-adjacent dishes.
07:12Just call the number below, or get your now-nearing-retirement-themselves children to go to the website to apply.
07:21Deathlit us. When you're getting in the way, call it a day.
07:24Whew.
07:26I want to go, I want to go.
07:34I want to go.
07:36Please don't.
07:41I want to go.
07:47I want to go.
07:48It's Platform 10.
08:01Sorry?
08:02Platform 10. The 906 to Edinburgh Waverley, it's leaving from Platform 10.
08:05You need to be in Durham at lunchtime, you need the 906 leaving in 12 minutes from Platform 10.
08:09How do you...
08:10It's that way. The East Coast Mainland trains all leave from over there.
08:13Ow.
08:14Go and get on it.
08:15I can't bear to watch you fucking around for another fucking second.
08:18Actually, I'm not going to Durham, so I don't know what you...
08:21Don't lie to me or just embarrass yourself.
08:23You're Stephen Dobson, you've been recruited by Chinese intelligence,
08:26your contact is a 23-year-old Chinese national called Hu Wanzhan,
08:29posing as a history of our postgraduate.
08:31You need to be on the 906 right now.
08:34No, I really don't...
08:35I'm an MI5 officer, I've blown my cover, my career is over,
08:38I don't know why I did this, it's your fault, you were just too fucking annoying.
08:45Three months.
08:47Three months I had you under surveillance,
08:48watching you shuffling around in your stupid life like that dozy prick you are,
08:53smashing that bottle of TCP and the chemist and then just walking off without apologising,
08:57picking your nose in the bakery and then fingering the croissants without using the tongs,
09:00locking yourself out of your own house like a dickhead,
09:03that coat!
09:04And it was only last week that I very nearly dragged you out of your car so I could park it for you.
09:09Fifteen minutes to get a Toyota Yaris into a not especially difficult space.
09:13That was a very small space!
09:15My mother can parallel park better than you and she's 84!
09:18And as for your mother, don't think I didn't notice the way you tried to muscle in on the flowers
09:22your sister sent for her birthday when they were nothing to do with you.
09:25Sorry, can I just say, I completely agree you're an absolute asshole.
09:30Who are you?
09:31The private investigator hired by your wife.
09:33To monitor your wretched affair.
09:35With wretched Janine, who could do so much better.
09:37Oh, so much better.
09:38Can you believe the way he talks to Janine?
09:40I've wiretapped pedophiles with better manners.
09:43I...
09:44You blimmin'...
09:46Drink?
09:50Yeah, right.
09:53That's the Lincoln train, you dick!
10:00Morning, Jim.
10:01Morning.
10:01So, um, we're recording our radio play next week, um, but we've got a list of sound effects,
10:06uh, just general sounds and noises, uh, that we'd like to get in the can first.
10:10Mm-hmm.
10:11Just think where we couldn't find library sounds that we need you to work your magic on, Jim.
10:15Work my magic?
10:16Yep.
10:16So there's quite a bit to get through, um, I'll just dive straight in.
10:20Um, first up, uh, woman running barefoot along a high street pavement.
10:25Yeah, no problem, I can do that with my cock.
10:27Your what?
10:28My cock.
10:29I can make that noise with my cock.
10:31No offence.
10:32Oh, yeah.
10:34That's...
10:34That's okay.
10:35Uh, do you need us to...
10:36No, no, no, I'll do it when you've gone.
10:38I'll just make a note.
10:39Pavement feet...
10:40Cock.
10:42Okay, what's next?
10:44Right.
10:45Um, we...
10:47We need the sound of a digger, like a JCB, uh, going into soft clay and gravel and then coming up against a Roman wall.
10:57Got it.
10:58Yep.
10:58I can do that with my cock.
11:00Right.
11:00So I'll need some oven gloves, 15 large pebbles and a packet of gummy bears or Haribo, something like that.
11:07And then obviously my cock, which I've got.
11:10Okay, um, we need, uh, a waterfall, medium size, not massive.
11:17And, uh, it's in woodland and there's a storm incoming, so it's raining quite hard and there's a distant helicopter.
11:23Right.
11:23Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
11:27Uh, hang on.
11:28British woodland or tropical?
11:30Tropical.
11:30Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
11:32Because of the humidity, my cock works best.
11:35I'll need a soda stream, a flappy menu, four trout fillets, rainbow or brown, doesn't matter.
11:42And my cock, which obviously I've got with me.
11:44Oh, and lube.
11:46Unless otherwise stated, assume lube.
11:49Lube.
11:53Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
12:01Really?
12:02The sound of a dictionary being dropped on a desk?
12:04Yeah.
12:05Why don't you just drop a dictionary on a desk?
12:08Won't sound right.
12:09You try that if you like, but I'm telling you, if you want it to really sound like someone's dropped a dictionary on a desk,
12:15then I'm going to need three reams of A4, some highlighter pens, a bottle of Prosecco, a wall of cardboard boxes, a plastic toothpick, a wooden toothpick, a goldfish bowl filled with asparagus soup, and my cock.
12:31Okay, okay, we're nearly there now, so just, uh, we need a loose shutter banging in the wind, and it has to be on the first floor of an 18th century chateau in Provence.
12:40Okay, um, done.
12:58You're not going to use your cock for that?
13:00No.
13:02He's got to get down.
13:03That's not going to work.
13:06Ah, it's on me.
13:07It's day 12 of Middle-Aged Man Island.
13:18The boys have completed their tasks for the day, and now it's time to chillax and have some them time.
13:24Could you do something?
13:39What?
13:40Well, it's been 40 minutes since anyone's spoken, so, um...
13:43Oh, they want us to do something, or speak, for the programme?
13:49Oh, yeah, programme.
13:53Better out than... Actually, I hate people who say that.
13:56Okay.
13:57Let's chat.
13:58I can't think of anything to say, actually.
14:10Trouble is, there's no women here to get us started off.
14:12Okay, well, yeah, all right.
14:14You be the woman.
14:15You start us off, and then I'll get us going.
14:18Okay.
14:19Um...
14:19How are you?
14:23Fine, thanks.
14:23Thanks.
14:23God, it's not easy being a woman, is it?
14:30Ooh.
14:32We could talk about the Second World War again.
14:35No, we did that all last week.
14:36That was a good week.
14:37Yeah.
14:39Yeah, I know it's a bit of a stereotype.
14:41You know, men love to talk about the Second World War, blah, blah, blah.
14:44But the Second World War was, A, very important, and B, brilliant.
14:51I don't know, you're not supposed to say that anymore, but...
14:52Nah, I think it's a great war.
14:54What?
14:55Even better than the great war?
14:58See, that's the kind of joke that, if we were at home, someone would roll their eyes and say,
15:03that's a dad joke.
15:04But, yeah, it's just a joke.
15:07Actually, it was a serious question.
15:09What's your favourite war?
15:11Punic.
15:11Sorry, it's Wednesday night.
15:16It's for the bins.
15:19Mine was last night.
15:22There's no way she would have done it.
15:31But we're not saying middle-aged men are bad, right?
15:33Because middle-aged men, that's the audience.
15:35At best, that's the youth end.
15:37No, I think we can appeal to young people, because we've got that sketch about, um...
15:41Isn't there a sketch about an Xbox or something?
15:42Is that the one about assisted dying?
15:44No, no, no, it's the one where we say, wasn't everything better before the Xbox?
15:47I mean, it was harder to have a wank, but that made everything more worthwhile.
15:51Oh, that's been cut.
15:52Channel 4 said we had too many sketches that relied on wanking, and we can only have 11, max.
15:57Okay.
15:58I suppose middle-aged men are just like a fun dig at Guy's our dad's age.
16:02Or mine and Kale and Lara's dad's age.
16:05Stevie, I am 18 months older than you.
16:07Is that all?
16:08Are you sure that's right?
16:10I'm not sure that it's having a go at our dad's so much as...
16:13It's not actually that weird, you know, being 50.
16:16Well, of course, I...
16:17It's quite a normal age to be, okay?
16:20Yes, I mean, it's an ageing population.
16:22Ageing is very, now, very contemporary.
16:24In the past, people were a lot younger.
16:26You were.
16:27No, I mean, well, yes, but what I'm saying is that in previous ages...
16:31Oh, here comes another history lesson.
16:33In previous ages, in the middle ages, but people were younger.
16:37The average age was lower because people died younger.
16:40A youthful population is, in fact, very, very dated.
16:44Yes, it's actually very, now, to have dementia.
16:46Yeah, decrepitude is the new infant mortality.
16:49Not that we're decrepit.
16:50If only, we're not that cool.
16:51Yeah, I just think...
16:52Although I do have recurring back issues, and Rob had open-heart surgery.
16:55Okay, I think we're speaking at cross-purposes here, David.
16:57Let's not be turkeys voting for Christmas.
16:59I know we're middle-aged, but broadcasting is very youth-skewed.
17:02Always has been.
17:03Bill Cotton used to say...
17:04Shut up.
17:05Channel 4, in particular, desperately try to appeal to young people.
17:08Oh, it's like a lechy uncle dancing at a wedding sometimes.
17:11Yeah, let's do the quiz where everyone shows their balls.
17:14Or vaginas.
17:15Or, as you quite rightly say, Lara, vaginas.
17:17I just think we should pay lip service to that,
17:20and not just be constantly banging on about how old we are.
17:22Like this bit that we're doing now, where we go on about being old,
17:26when these young people, some of them women...
17:28Are just saying, or vaginas.
17:29That's literally all I've said except this.
17:31Yeah, but you said it so well.
17:33Like, I want to say, or vaginas now.
17:34In a way, Stevie, you have.
17:40Introducing Branboozled.
17:42The great new board game for everyone who loves puzzles and bran.
17:46Hooray!
17:47You've been branboozled.
17:49Hand over the bran, Grandpa.
17:54You've taken all my bran, you little scamp.
17:57Mmm.
17:59Bran.
18:00Throw the dice and spin the dial.
18:02Collect the bran and branboozle your opponents
18:04before you yourself are branboozled.
18:06Oh, I've been branboozled.
18:09More bran for me.
18:14Branboozle.
18:15The great new game that's getting all the family
18:17eating lashings of pure bran.
18:20Excessive bran consumption may cause rectal warping.
18:24Morning, Jim.
18:25Hi.
18:27That's all done.
18:27Do you want to have a listen?
18:28Oh, yes, please.
18:29Yes, please.
18:29So this is a...
18:47This is the rolled-up carpet
18:49being dragged down the flight of stairs
18:51with a dachshund yapping in the background.
18:54Oh, yeah.
18:55And you...
18:56You used your cock for this one?
19:00I think so.
19:00Not this one.
19:10I wasn't sure how much of it you needed, so...
19:13Great.
19:14Yeah.
19:24Come to think of it,
19:25I think this was one of the ones I used my cock for.
19:28Yeah, I thought so.
19:29It's wonderful how it doesn't matter anymore how old you are.
19:39I never imagined I would have this opportunity,
19:43but, of course, times change.
19:45With this particular piece,
19:47I thought it was important not to fixate on the age of the actor,
19:50but on the overall energy he gives off.
19:53It's such a daring and fascinating time in the theater.
19:57In the olden days,
19:58I would never have had the chance
19:59to be in this wonderful stage adaptation
20:02of The Matrix playing Neil.
20:04Oh, it's actually Neo, Sir Charlie.
20:06Hmm?
20:07Your character is called Neo.
20:09That's right, yes.
20:11And, of course, the thing about Neil
20:12is that, like most of us,
20:14he doesn't know he's in The Matrix
20:16until somebody calls his agent and says,
20:18Would you like to be in The Matrix?
20:21And you think Sir Charlie gives off the right energy to play Neo?
20:24Yes.
20:25As soon as the producer suggested Sir Charlie to me,
20:28I could immediately see that he gives off exactly the right energy.
20:32Even though he's 78?
20:33Yes.
20:34Aren't there younger actors
20:35that might be more suited to playing Neil?
20:38Yes, but an audience willing to pay West End prices
20:40to see an adaptation of The Matrix won't have heard of them,
20:43whereas they all remember Sir Charlie
20:45from all the merchant ivory shit he did in the 80s.
20:48Are you excited to be in The Matrix?
20:50Well, I'm delighted, but as I say,
20:52Neil is absolutely devastated.
20:54Neil takes the red pill and discovers
20:56he's in The Matrix for eight shows a week,
20:58including bank holidays for 12 weeks,
21:00and I couldn't be happier.
21:03I'll just put this here.
21:04Yes, I don't know.
21:05That's fine.
21:05I don't want to get in the way.
21:07It's week two of rehearsals,
21:08and Sir Charlie and director Tony Pastry
21:10are grappling with the iconic scene
21:12where Neo uploads martial arts into his brain.
21:16Okay, so Tank just inserted the program,
21:21he's pressed the button,
21:22and all that knowledge flashes into your head
21:24in just a few seconds,
21:26and then you open your eyes,
21:27and you say the line.
21:29All right, Tony, leave it with me.
21:31Right, so he's pressed the button.
21:32Press the button.
21:37I know Kung Fu.
21:42All right, Tony.
21:45It's just...
21:46Try it again.
21:48Of course, of course.
21:50Press the button.
21:51I know Kung Fu.
21:58Yeah, it's...
22:00I think I know what it is.
22:02Yes.
22:02You're saying the line like,
22:04Kung Fu is an old friend that you've just remembered.
22:08Yes.
22:08But it isn't.
22:09No.
22:10It's a martial art.
22:11That I've forgotten.
22:12No.
22:13Because it's been years.
22:15No.
22:15How long has it been Kung Fu?
22:17He's not Kung Fu.
22:18It's been years.
22:19We're improvising.
22:20No, he's not Kung Fu.
22:22Oh, I see.
22:23I'm saying, I know Kung Fu,
22:24but Kung Fu's not here.
22:26I could be Kung Fu.
22:28I don't mind.
22:28Oh, bless you for that, Theo.
22:30Could we try that, Tony?
22:31I think that would really help.
22:33For me.
22:35Okay.
22:35So, let's press the button.
22:47I know Kung Fu.
22:49Hi.
22:53You see, the problem is, Tony,
22:55I'm saying I know Kung Fu,
22:57but Kung Fu's standing right there,
22:58so it doesn't make any sense.
23:00Yes, you don't say it to him.
23:03And he's not Kung Fu,
23:05and Kung Fu isn't a person.
23:10Well, all right, Tony,
23:11but that's a lot of changes to take on board.
23:14May I suggest a cup of tea?
23:18Cup of tea for you, Tony?
23:19Cup of tea for you, Tony.
23:49Cup of tea for you, Tony.
23:51Cup of tea for me, Tony?
23:52Cup of tea for you, Tony.
23:53Thank you for helping me.
23:54Cup of tea for you, Tony,
23:55and the pan especially to pick up,
23:56the panì—” stilling right here.
23:58After it has been dug up,
24:00in the same way over the Maur Old Testament,
24:02the Vaiestenal to thetechnical ?!
24:07Yes, you do.
24:12May I be wise to think
24:13when you feel comfortable by
24:14you feel comfortable?
24:16Even if der JAMIE
24:17most vulnerable people
24:18just in Тут,
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