- 4 months ago
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00:00I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I guess I was just attracted to the
00:06simplicity of it. You know, the communal living, everyone under one roof, the
00:13shared mealtime, the constant presence of the team members in their special
00:18clothes. They had this hierarchy of star symbols and the compound that I was put
00:25in, it had four stars. And that meant you couldn't get hot food at night?
00:29Yeah, I mean, we could get food at night, but only sandwiches.
00:36They would come into your room when you were out and you could tell, you know, that
00:43they'd been there. How could you tell? They'd tidy up. They'd make your bed and
00:47tuck the sheets in really tight, like abnormally tight, like no human could get
00:52into that bed. If they came in at night, they'd leave a chocolate on your pillow.
00:57Why? Some kind of warning. You know, we can come and go as we please. You know, today
01:04it's a chocolate, but tomorrow it could be a turd or a horse's head. Although in fairness,
01:12it was always a chocolate. They also communicate through towels. You'd leave a towel on the
01:19floor or on the side of the bath and they'd take it from you and replace it with a different
01:24but identical towel and leave it on the radiator near the sign saying that they were trying
01:29to save the planet via towels.
01:33Which planet? I didn't say.
01:36It was the keys that broke me. They would give you a key, you know, for your numbered room,
01:42but it was heavy. It was like, like some kind of anvil. And if you wanted to go out, they
01:48would say, leave your key. Leave your key with us. And I didn't want to leave my key. I didn't
01:55want to, but it was so heavy. It was so heavy, you see. So I would leave my key.
02:07And then they started to ask for money. Money?
02:09They suddenly wanted hundreds and hundreds of pounds. I'm so sorry.
02:15They'd been keeping a record of everything I'd eaten. And then they said it cost like five
02:20times what it would cost to buy in the shop. In the end, I just paid what they wanted.
02:25Every penny. It was the only way. I paid and then I just ran. I left everything.
02:30And was that the last contact you had with them?
02:33No. They emailed me. The next day. Asking if I wanted my stuff. Like they were taunting
02:41me. It was so horrible. I told them to just burn it.
02:47I'm a bit worried about that hotel sketch because...
02:50Oh, it's a hotel? Well, yes. Sorry, I thought it was a cult.
02:54I think how it works is they talk about it like it was a cult, but it's actually a hotel.
02:59Hence, comedy. But what I'm worried about is that people in the hospital
03:02sector have had a really rough time actually. And I'm just worried that they're going to
03:06see that sketch and go, oh, they're laughing at us. It's just very negative.
03:10It is very negative. It is very negative. But my worry isn't that we're laughing at the hospitality sector. It's worse.
03:18We're laughing at people that get into cults. You know, nitwits and wallies and clots.
03:22Oh, don't say clots. Very offensive to stroke survivors. Of course. And people who died of strokes.
03:28Yeah, but they don't tend to write in. Yeah, I mean like their ghost or their families. I meant their families.
03:33Look, we can't be punching down to at or on nitwits, wallies or people who work in hotels. We just can't do that.
03:38Yeah, it would be very harsh and negative to be punching down to or of people who just happen to be wrong about everything.
03:44OK, so let's write a lovely positive sketch about something that we love. Lara, what are your passions? What are you passionate about?
03:51Golf. I'm crazy about golf. Crazy golf? No, just regular golf. I just love it. Golf is my happy place. You know, the green, the holes, the holes. You want to see a picture of me in my happy place?
04:03Oh, you do look very happy. OK, great. Let's just do a lovely sketch about golf where no one gets hurt. Not people who love golf, not people who hate golf.
04:13Not people who've never heard of golf. What kind of moron has never heard of golf?
04:22Previously on sweary Aussie drama. This is my fucking farm. This fucking farm's my fucking farm now. This is my fucking farm now.
04:32It's my fucking farm again. Sorry, whose fucking farm is it? I found a fucking wheel. Fuck!
04:55It's yours, you knobba. Shit!
05:02What are you trying to blow this fucking farm sky fucking high?
05:14Too fucking right. I love the tits of you, you stone cold cunt. Want to run a fucking farm?
05:21Youатle!
05:26Take a fucking seat.
05:34Not so fucking fast.
05:35What the fuck?
05:39For fuck's sake.
05:40Growing out fat.
05:41Who the fuck are you?
05:43For fuck's sake.
05:44Growing up, fuck!
05:46Who the fuck are you?
06:00So all we need is your DBS check and you can start with a new term.
06:05Oh, brilliant.
06:07And how do we do the DBS check? Do you need anything from me?
06:09Oh, it's a straightforward process, but the format has changed recently.
06:13We used to just rely on your criminal history,
06:16but that only told us if you'd been caught or not.
06:18And let me tell you, there are a lot of very clever pedos out there.
06:23So, if you wouldn't mind?
06:27Oh, I go through that.
06:30Yes, Clarence will be conducting the check today.
06:34OK.
06:39Hello?
06:49I'm here for the DBS check.
06:54Scared, aren't you?
06:55You've surprised me.
06:57What if I was a child?
06:58What do you mean, what if I was a child?
06:59What would you do if I was a child?
07:00I don't know.
07:01Incorrect.
07:02The answer I was looking for was not assault you.
07:05That's strike one of three.
07:06Oh, God.
07:09You have a bag of sweets.
07:12Do you A, eat them, B, put them away to be eaten at the time of your choosing,
07:15or C, lure a child into your van?
07:18Well, not C, obviously.
07:20Interesting.
07:21I thought this was going to be a form, or...
07:22A child comes to you for help with a minor injury.
07:24Do you A, contact their parents, B, dial 111, C, flirt?
07:29Is this a joke?
07:30Do you think this is funny?
07:31No.
07:33I would contact their parents, and then dial 111, obviously.
07:36Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you?
07:38You think you're so above board, sexually.
07:41I am.
07:42I've got kids of my own.
07:44Oh, I can't be a nuns!
07:45Some of my best friends are children!
07:47That's not what I said!
07:50This is a line-up of various children.
07:52Who do you think's the fittest?
07:54None of them.
07:55Bearing in mind, these are photos of children from the 1970s who are adults now, so this is fine.
07:59Still none of them.
07:59It's multiple choice, I'm afraid.
08:01You can have A, fit as in athletic.
08:03I'd have to see them do a bleep test first.
08:05B, none.
08:06Or C, third child on the right?
08:07B, none.
08:08Oh, very convenient.
08:09Question four.
08:10But if you had to pick, if you had to, would it be A, one, B, two, or C?
08:14I can't choose.
08:15C, I can't choose.
08:16I hadn't finished.
08:17C, I can't choose.
08:18They're all quite hot.
08:19Not that one!
08:20Not which one?
08:21Who do you mean?
08:21Apart from that one, obviously, he's a minger.
08:23No, I mean not that one, as in not option C, and I don't think you can call a child a minger.
08:27Oh, so you do have an opinion about which child is hotter.
08:29No, I don't.
08:30You're going to look me in the eye and tell me that that child is not less attractive than the other children.
08:35That child is me, by the way, when I was a young lad.
08:37And I don't mind saying it.
08:38I was a munter.
08:40No, you weren't a munter.
08:41You've got a lovely, angelic face.
08:43Okay, you fancy me as a child.
08:45No!
08:45You haven't answered question four.
08:47Because I don't agree with any of them.
08:48Correct.
08:50If you had to choose between being a pedo and doing 9-11, which would you go for?
08:54I'm, I'm leaving.
08:56All right, Gary Glitter.
08:59Sorry, please, absolutely.
09:02So it seems you've passed the DBS check with no obvious issues.
09:06Oh.
09:09Okay.
09:10Great.
09:11So, shall I just see you in September?
09:14But I'm afraid we can't let you proceed because you failed the 9-11 check.
09:17So you're probably a terrorist.
09:19Okay, so lovely positive golf sketch.
09:30Um, exterior day, golf course, it's a beautiful day.
09:34Golfer 1 says, what a lovely game of golf I'm having.
09:37Good.
09:37That's a nice naturalistic bit of exposition.
09:39And maybe golfer 2 says, yes, it's excellent, isn't it?
09:44I love golf.
09:45And golfer 3 says, and not just golf, there are so many beautiful things in this world that we should be grateful for.
09:52That's lovely.
09:54Why don't we write more sketches like this?
09:56This is going really well, isn't it?
09:58I'm not worried about it, you know?
10:00Whenever there's a joke, you worry.
10:03Yeah, you do.
10:04You worry.
10:05You know, will they laugh?
10:06Will it upset someone?
10:07Will it get translated into another language where it turns out it's a slur?
10:10You worry.
10:11Yeah, you're right.
10:13It's jokes, isn't it?
10:14The problem has been jokes.
10:16I suddenly understand why everyone loves Ted Lasso.
10:19Oh, that does feel a bit negative, Rob.
10:21No, no, no, I don't mean it negatively.
10:22I think they're really on to something.
10:24No jokes, no problem.
10:26Just pleasant interactions between people of good faith.
10:29There's literally nothing to object to.
10:32This is great.
10:33Well, let's try something a bit visual.
10:35Golfer one takes a shot.
10:37Golfer two says, good shot.
10:41Fucking hell, I love this.
10:43I could watch this all day.
10:44And then maybe aliens land and the golfers get scared for a second.
10:48Oh, is that stressful?
10:49No, no, let me finish.
10:50And then the head alien says, can we play?
10:54Oh, yeah.
10:55Yeah, and then they just have a lovely time.
10:58Yeah.
10:59And then maybe one of the aliens starts wanking.
11:02Sebastian, we are thrilled that you're going to be reading your novel here.
11:12Well, thank you for having me.
11:13Of course.
11:14We have a few minutes before the event, and I did have a bit of a cheeky request, actually.
11:19Ooh, cheeky.
11:20So you know we sponsor a young writers' competition?
11:23Of course.
11:23Wonderful.
11:24Yeah, and we actually have the short story finalists, and they're just over there in that corner.
11:28And I know it's a bit last minute, but it would mean the world to them if you would just go and maybe say hi and maybe have like a quick selfie with them.
11:36That would be no problem whatsoever.
11:38I'd be delighted.
11:41Yeah, there's absolutely no fucking way he's doing that.
11:44Oh, okay, yes, I guess it was a bit of a cheeky...
11:47Shall I go over now?
11:48I mean, it's no trouble.
11:48I'm here.
11:49Oh, yes, if you would, that would be so...
11:51Look, he's got a fucking book to promote.
11:53He's not here to make fucking friends with some snot-nosed kids.
11:56Maybe they could come here, um, and I could sign a book for each of them.
11:59I mean, the books are here.
12:00Would that make sense?
12:01That is so generous.
12:03That would be...
12:04I'll just go and I'll fetch them quickly.
12:05Where the fuck are you going?
12:06It's not happening.
12:07How many times do I have to tell you?
12:09It's event, signing, car.
12:11I tell you what, I don't have any lunch plans.
12:13Maybe, um, if they're free, I could take them to that lovely trattoria around the corner,
12:17and, um, maybe they could pick my so-called brains about the writing process.
12:21I mean, I doubt they've got much to learn from me.
12:23They're clearly so talented.
12:24But, uh, I'd be happy to lend them the benefit of my experience, such as it is.
12:29Well, that would be lovely.
12:31He's fucking sick of this.
12:32He wants to go.
12:33The event's off.
12:34You've blown it.
12:35I'm really looking forward to the event.
12:38Car, now, he's going.
12:40Sebastian thinks you're a dick.
12:41It's been absolutely lovely.
12:43This has been fucking unacceptable.
12:54So his wife was dying.
13:06He knew that.
13:06Everyone knew that.
13:07So he goes over to Calais to one of those warehouses to get a cheap deal on booze for the funeral.
13:12You know, the wake.
13:12Is this pre-Brexit?
13:13Pre-Brexit.
13:14So financially, it makes sense.
13:16Yeah, good idea.
13:17Is it, though?
13:18Financially speaking, it's a no-brainer.
13:20But my question is, is it...
13:23on?
13:24On?
13:25Like, OK, morally speaking, cheap booze for a do, great.
13:29But when the do is a funeral of a loved one who's still alive, does that taste a bit funny?
13:34I'd say anything less than five euros for a box is always going to taste funny, no matter where you get it.
13:39No, I mean, I mean, is it all right?
13:41My question is, did he tell her?
13:44Yeah, good question.
13:45Did he say to her, tell you what, love, I'm very sorry you're dying, but we will have to offer some hospitality when that happens,
13:51so I'm getting ahead on that, and the great news is that I've got an absolute bargain on a perfectly quaffable Cote d'Aaron.
13:59Yes, he did.
14:00Well, in that case, that's fine.
14:02See?
14:03This is a thing, it divides opinion.
14:05That's why it's a good one.
14:06Brought this up at Christmas lunch, and people went really quiet just thinking about it.
14:10Is that what you want?
14:11Christmas Day?
14:12Oh, yeah, no point dragging it out.
14:13If there's a pause in the conversation, so you can get dishes in the kitchen,
14:16or you can make a little noise in the back of your throat so that Susan gets the dishes in the kitchen.
14:19Oh, too right, yeah, you've got to push through it.
14:21You've got to screw up your paper hat and start binning all this shit from the crackers.
14:25Big light on, tell the kids to clear all this mess up.
14:27Yeah, that's right.
14:28Cloth off, table back to normal size, then you can make a start on the tree.
14:30Yeah, absolutely.
14:31If possible, I like to get the tree down by the end of Moana.
14:34They complain, of course, but I just say to them, look, it's a musical.
14:37You can easily hear the songs over the hoover.
14:39Yeah, that's right.
14:40In-laws in a cab, slam.
14:41See you at Easter, house back to normal.
14:43And then it's done.
14:44It's over.
14:45You've done it.
14:46Normal.
14:47You don't have to do it anymore because you've done it.
14:49It's finished.
14:50Apart from the all-day Baileys.
14:54Don't really like Baileys.
14:55I don't really mean Baileys.
14:57I mean lager.
14:58But around Christmas, we call it Baileys.
15:06Stephen, it's finally happening.
15:08She's asked for a word.
15:09Right.
15:10Yes.
15:11Did she say anything else?
15:13She had something important to tell us.
15:15OK, I'm ready.
15:18I'm getting ready.
15:20Just remember, we've got one chance to do this right.
15:26Oh, hello, love.
15:27Do you want to sit down?
15:33Your mum says you've got something on your mind.
15:35It's OK, sweetie.
15:36Take your time.
15:37I'm letting her take her time.
15:39All the time you need.
15:40For a while now, I wanted to tell you guys something,
15:43but something stopped me.
15:45Anyway, I just can't carry on not saying.
15:48I want you to know all of me.
15:49Well, we want to know you too, love.
15:51And we're ready to accept whatever...
15:55Whatever it is that you want to tell us about your...
15:59Sexuality.
15:59Right.
16:00It's all right, love.
16:02You can say it.
16:03OK.
16:04Mum, Dad, I'm...
16:08I'm a right slag.
16:09I just want to say thank you so much
16:16for trusting us enough to share that with us.
16:18Uh-huh.
16:19Oh, God, that feels good to say aloud.
16:21It feels so much lighter.
16:23Honestly, I think I've always known,
16:25since you were a little girl,
16:27that I was a right slag.
16:28That you were a right slag.
16:29And you're not upset?
16:30No, of course not.
16:32And your father's not upset either, are you, love?
16:35No, of course not.
16:37I accept and love you, whatever.
16:40Whether or not you're a right slut.
16:44Stephen!
16:44Dad, I knew you'd be like this.
16:46What have I said?
16:47She's not a slut!
16:48I'm a slag, OK?
16:50A right slag.
16:51I'm sorry.
16:52I just want to make sure I've understood.
16:54Help me to understand what exactly does being a right slag mean to you.
17:03Just that I really like it up me.
17:05Right up!
17:06I don't know how else to say it.
17:08I'm a slag bag, a ho bag.
17:09I'm over easy.
17:11I'm happy with all that terminology.
17:13Some people would call me the village bike.
17:14And you'd be OK with that?
17:17It's just who I am.
17:18It's who she is, Stephen.
17:19But you're not a slut.
17:20Um, no, Dad.
17:22A slut gets stuff in return for sex.
17:25Money.
17:26A flat, maybe.
17:27I give it away for free.
17:29I put it about a lot.
17:31With anyone.
17:32Anyone at all.
17:33I'm a slag!
17:34I gobble for Britain.
17:36And I'd like to know that you, my parents, support me as I do that.
17:40Is that so weird?
17:41I suppose not.
17:43No, love.
17:45In fact, I'll tell you what.
17:46On your graduation day next summer,
17:48the only your mum will be there in the audience watching you accept your certificate,
17:53your special scroll.
17:55And we'll be as proud as punch.
17:58And if a stranger sitting next to me says,
18:01Is that your daughter?
18:03She looks like a right slag.
18:05Is she?
18:07I won't get angry.
18:09I won't hit him.
18:10I'll say, you're absolutely right.
18:12She really is a filthy whore.
18:15Stephen!
18:16What?
18:20I don't know.
18:22Shopping took longer than expected,
18:24so I'm just going to try and beat the traffic.
18:27I'm sorry.
18:27I'm sorry.
18:40Can I help you?
18:45We are the goom.
18:48Who said that?
18:49You must help us, Pat Mills.
18:52How do you know my...
18:54Is this telepathy?
18:55Our people are dying.
18:57Please help us.
19:00How can I help you?
19:02We are the goom.
19:03We have pooled all our resources
19:04into the making of a teen comedy
19:06called High School Fauxpas.
19:09Right.
19:10We've knocked up a trailer here on the laptop.
19:13We would love it if you could give us some feedback.
19:19Okay.
19:20I'm just in a bit of a hurry, so...
19:22Our people are dying.
19:24I'll take a look.
19:26It's better if you use the headphones.
19:29This is fine.
19:32Oh, I'm not wearing any underwear,
19:34and I have to get to my first day of high school.
19:37Where's that, boss?
19:39I'll never get there.
19:41Ha!
19:41Ha!
19:43Hey, kid.
19:45I'm JJ,
19:46and I'm going to high school.
19:48Need a lift?
19:50Hey!
19:51What?
19:52You'll have to share, though.
19:54I'm taking my friend Benny along
19:56to lose his virginity.
19:58Benny's a werewolf?
20:01Oh, oh, oh!
20:04High School Fauxpas,
20:06the new comedy for anyone
20:07who's ever been to high school.
20:09Certificate to be confirmed.
20:12We do not know what high school is.
20:16I see.
20:18I'm probably not the target audience for this.
20:21Did you like it?
20:23Did you like our male lead, Matt Rainford?
20:26I would have liked to see more of him, maybe?
20:31A lot of people said they liked him.
20:33What did you like least?
20:35Um, I'm...
20:37I wasn't too sure about the sound levels.
20:39You didn't use the headphones?
20:41Yeah, even so.
20:43Is that the finished...
20:44We have another idea for a musical about a policeman.
20:47Oh!
20:49Called Policeman Fauxpas.
20:51Matt Rainford's on board.
20:53Okay, the...
20:54Well, the title...
20:55Maybe...
20:56What?
21:03Our deadly foe.
21:05No!
21:07We shall email you a link to our site.
21:11No!
21:11No, I'll Google it!
21:12You should go now, Pat Mills.
21:17We are sorry...
21:19If you have not beaten the traffic...
21:23Benny's a werewolf?
21:24I'm JJ.
21:25Need a lift?
21:26Need a lift?
21:28Need a lift?
21:28Benny's a werewolf...
21:28Benny's a werewolf...
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