- 4 months ago
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00:00Right, I called to order this week's meeting of the church elders of New Scunthorpe.
00:07Are we sticking with Scunthorpe? At the last meeting I thought we said we'd pick somewhere nicer, like New Bath or New Cheltenham.
00:13Hang on, hang on, what's this new business? Why is everyone saying new now?
00:17New is a new way of saying new, or as I prefer, new.
00:21Why do we need a new way of saying new?
00:23Just starting to feel more natural, like my mom was saying.
00:26Like your what? What is going on?
00:28We don't know, there's something new in the air.
00:30For me it's just saying new, but for others it's more, well, ask Tabitha to say squirrel.
00:36Good one, say squirrel Tabitha, say the squirrel looked in the mirror.
00:40The squirrel looked in the mirror?
00:45What's the problem?
00:46Nothing, it's nothing.
00:47Is not laughter sinful?
00:48Oh Christ, sorry Lord.
00:50Shun him, shun him for he's a papist and a blasphemer.
00:53Shun him!
00:55Shun him, shun him!
00:57No, no, no, I didn't mean it, I repent.
00:59Repentance is not for this life, devil.
01:01Do you go to confession with your new papist friends?
01:04No, of course not, this is New England.
01:05New England, Satan.
01:07New England, and there are no Catholics here at all, apart from in the French bit.
01:10He has knowledge of the French bit.
01:12He celebrates the French bit's ways with their dancing and cuisine and knee tremblers.
01:16But do you know of knee tremblers, Jezebel whore?
01:18She speaks of knee tremblers.
01:20Shun her!
01:21Shun her!
01:22Shun her!
01:23Take her hat buckle!
01:24No, not my hat buckle.
01:26I'd eat it for if my head changes size.
01:28As well it might as your head swells with the sexual flattery of Lucifer.
01:32He said sexual!
01:33Shun him!
01:34Shun him!
01:35Shun him!
01:36Shun him!
01:37Shun!
01:38No!
01:39Just a thought.
01:40Is Lucy short for Lucifer?
01:41I don't think so.
01:42Oh, that's a relief.
01:43I've got a daughter called Lucy.
01:45Shun him!
01:46He has a daughter called Lucifer!
01:47The devil has sprung from his loin!
01:49Shun him!
01:50Shun him!
01:51Shun him!
01:52Yes!
01:53Shun him!
01:54But also shun her, for she said loin.
01:55Ah!
01:56I meant lions, but I'm dyslexic.
01:57Shun her, for she is dyslexic!
01:59Shun the dyslexic!
02:00Shun her!
02:01Shun her!
02:02Shun her!
02:03Can I just say, this is all very well, but this is why we get very little done in these meetings.
02:07Shun him!
02:08Shun him!
02:09I'm already shunned!
02:10Shun him again for good measure!
02:11Fuck off, Andrew.
02:12Look, while we're all busy shunning each other, nothing gets achieved.
02:15We're supposed to be discussing digging a well for the village.
02:18Talk to the hand, John.
02:19The face isn't listening.
02:20He exhorts us to address his hand.
02:22He wishes us to worship a false idol.
02:25Nay, we shall not bow down to your instrument of self-pleasure!
02:29Shun him!
02:30Shun him!
02:31Shun him!
02:32Shun him!
02:33You're saying what I think she said.
02:34Yeah.
02:35She just called you a wanker.
02:36Shun him!
02:41Previously on swearing Aussie drama.
02:44You fucking better do a fuck sight better than that, you lazy fucking prick!
02:49What the fuck?
02:51What the fuck you fucking tell?
02:53Who the fuck are you fucking, you fucking bitch?
02:55Mind your own business, you old fucking bastard!
02:58You lost the fucking right to tell me who the fuck when you lost the fucking farm!
03:03I'll fucking kill the fucker!
03:05What the fuck?
03:08I've kept this fucking farm together through fucking thick and fucking thin and I'll be fucked before I lose the fucker to this stupid little fucking cunt!
03:18I thought you loved me, you dick breathed dog fuck!
03:21So did I, you fucking bitch!
03:24I was only fucking fucking her for the fucking farm!
03:28Fair fuck enough.
03:29I'm fucking lying!
03:31I fucking love you, you stupid fucking bitch!
03:34You fuck!
03:35Nooo!
03:36Nooo!
03:37Nooo!
03:38Nooo!
03:39Oh nooo!
03:40Nooo!
03:41Nooo!
03:42Fuck!
03:43This is my fucking farm now!
03:44No.
03:48Fuck.
03:50This is my fucking farm now.
03:56Right.
03:57There's gonna be a fair few fucking changes around here.
04:02Wait just one fucking moment.
04:05Fuck, shit, piss.
04:06Cut.
04:07Who the fuck are you?
04:08I'm your fucking mother.
04:10So wash your fucking mouth out, you dozy fucking bitch.
04:14Hello there.
04:26What happened to that bloody report?
04:29I don't know, Detective.
04:30Well, you'd better start thinking quick, love,
04:32or your CID career's gonna be as short as that skirt.
04:36You stupid tart.
04:41Treasured memories.
04:42I was actually the last actor on British television to wolf whistle at a schoolgirl in a way the audience was invited to find fun.
04:50But times change, and rightly so.
04:55Since then, I've been the bloke playing a different detective who's older, a judge who's even older,
05:01and then the chap offering life insurance with no pesky medical and a free jigsaw just for applying.
05:08And when I say jigsaw, I mean the cardboard puzzle, not the power tool, which would ironically have invalidated your life insurance.
05:15Anyway, we must get on.
05:18This is turning into an amazingly long advertisement, but then you are watching daytime on ITV4, where the advertising is basically free,
05:27and the repeat of the Sweeney this is in the middle of has had to have six minutes cut out of it, for reasons you can probably guess.
05:34So we've got all the time in the world.
05:40Or have we?
05:42Because we all know that we haven't got forever.
05:46Good boy.
05:46Benji's at peace now.
05:57He won't be suffering anymore.
05:59To be honest, he was more or less okay, but he did keep shitting in the lounge.
06:04And if you're shitting in the lounge, you might want to consider the deathly task, cut your losses plan.
06:11For a reasonable price, you can pay the ultimate price, and your loved ones will have the peace of mind of knowing that they can start getting your smell out of all that lovely property equity.
06:23Meanwhile, you check in to one of our luxurious clinic-cum-crematoria, kick back in a joint and muscle-soothing motorised recliner.
06:32Our nurses humorously refer to them as electric chairs, though of course you'll be killed by poison injection.
06:39And select a delicious last meal from our menu of Michelin-adjacent dishes.
06:46Just call the number below, or get your now-nearing-retirement-themselves children to go to the website to apply.
06:55Deathlit us. When you're getting in the way, call it a day.
06:58Whew.
07:09It's Platform 10.
07:32Sorry?
07:33Platform 10. The 906 to Edinburgh Waverley, it's leaving from Platform 10.
07:37You need to be in Durham at lunchtime, you need the 906 leaving in 12 minutes from Platform 10.
07:41How do you...
07:41It's that way. The East Coast mainland trains all leave from over there.
07:44Ow.
07:45Go and get on it. I can't bear to watch you fucking around for another fucking second.
07:49Actually, I'm not going to Durham, so I don't know what you...
07:52Don't lie to me or just embarrass yourself.
07:54You're Stephen Dobson, you've been recruited by Chinese intelligence.
07:57Your contact is a 23-year-old Chinese national called Hu Wanzhan, posing as a history of art postgraduate.
08:01You need to be on the 906 right now.
08:04No, I really don't...
08:05I'm an MI5 officer, I've blown my cover, my career is over, I don't know why I did this.
08:09It's your fault, you were just too fucking annoying.
08:12Three months. Three months I had you under surveillance.
08:18Watching you shuffling around in your stupid life like the dozy prick you are.
08:22Smashing that bottle of TCP in the chemist and then just walking off without apologising.
08:26Picking your nose in the bakery and then fingering the croissants without using the tongs.
08:29Locking yourself out of your own house like a dickhead.
08:32That coat!
08:33And it was only last week that I very nearly dragged you out of your car so I could park it for you.
08:3715 minutes to get a Toyota Yaris into a not especially difficult space.
08:41That was a very small space.
08:43My mother can parallel park better than you and she's 84.
08:46And as for your mother, don't think I didn't notice the way you tried to muscle in on the flowers your sister sent for her birthday when they were nothing to do with you.
08:53Sorry, can I just say, I completely agree you're an absolute asshole.
08:57Who are you?
08:58The private investigator hired by your wife.
09:00To monitor your wretched affair.
09:02With wretched Janine, who could do so much better.
09:04Oh, so much better.
09:05Can you believe the way he talks to Janine?
09:07I've wiretapped pedophiles with better manners.
09:09I...
09:11You blooming...
09:13Yeah, right.
09:20That's the Lincoln train, you dick!
09:26Morning, Jim.
09:27Morning.
09:27So, um, we're recording our radio play next week, um, but we've got a list of sound effects, uh, just general sounds and noises, uh, that we'd like to get in the can first.
09:36Mm-hmm.
09:37Just think where we couldn't find library sounds that we need you to work your magic on, Jim.
09:40Work my magic?
09:41Yep.
09:42So there's quite a bit to get through.
09:44Um, I'll just dive straight in.
09:45Um, first up, uh, woman running barefoot along a high street pavement.
09:50Yeah, no problem.
09:50I can do that with my cock.
09:52Your what?
09:53My cock.
09:54I can make that noise with my cock.
09:56No offence.
09:57Oh, yeah.
09:58That's, uh, that's okay.
09:59Uh, do you need us to...
10:01No, no, no, I'll do it when you've gone.
10:02I'll just make a note.
10:03Pavement feet.
10:05Cock.
10:06Okay, what's next?
10:08Right.
10:09Um, we...
10:11We need the sound of a digger, like a JCB, uh, going into soft clay and gravel and then
10:19coming up against a Roman wall.
10:20Got it.
10:21Yep.
10:21I can do that with my cock.
10:23Right.
10:23So I'll need some oven gloves, 15 large pebbles and a packet of gummy bears or haribo, something
10:30like that.
10:30And then obviously my cock, which I've got.
10:32Okay, um, we need, uh, a waterfall, a medium size, not massive, and, uh, it's in woodland
10:41and there's a storm incoming, so it's raining quite hard and there's a distant helicopter.
10:45Right.
10:46Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
10:49Uh, hang on.
10:50British woodland or tropical?
10:52Tropical.
10:52Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
10:54Because of the humidity, my cock works best.
10:56I'll need, uh, a soda stream, a flappy menu, four trout fillets, rainbow or brown, doesn't
11:02matter, and my cock, which obviously I've got with me.
11:05Oh, and lube.
11:07Unless otherwise stated, assume lube.
11:10Lube.
11:20Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
11:22Really?
11:22The sound of a dictionary being dropped on a desk?
11:25Yeah.
11:25Why don't you just drop a dictionary on a desk?
11:28Won't sound right.
11:29You try that if you like, but I'm telling you, if you want it to really sound like someone's
11:34dropped a dictionary on a desk, then I'm going to need three reams of A4, some highlighter
11:38pens, a bottle of Prosecco, a wall of cardboard boxes, a plastic toothpick, a wooden toothpick,
11:45a goldfish bowl filled with asparagus soup, and my cock.
11:50Okay, okay, we're nearly there now, so just, uh, we need a loose shutter banging in the
11:55wind, and it has to be on the first floor of an 18th-century chateau in Provence.
11:58Okay, um...
12:00Okay, um...
12:02Done.
12:14You're not going to use your cock for that?
12:17No.
12:17It's going to get down.
12:21That's not going to work.
12:23Ah, it's on me.
12:28Oh, I'm exhausted.
12:32It's day 12 of Middle-Aged Man Island.
12:34The boys have completed their tasks for the day, and now it's time to chillax and have
12:40some them time.
12:52Could you do something?
12:54What?
12:55Well, it's been 40 minutes since anyone's spoken, so, um...
12:58Oh, they want us to do something, or speak, for the programme?
13:04Oh, yeah, programme.
13:08Better out than...
13:09Actually, I hate people who say that.
13:10Okay.
13:12Let's chat.
13:21I can't think of anything to say, actually.
13:24Trouble is, there's no women here to get us started off.
13:26Okay, well, yeah, all right.
13:28You be the woman.
13:29You start us off, and then that'll get us going.
13:32Okay.
13:32Um...
13:35How are you?
13:36Fine, thanks.
13:41God, it's not easy being a woman, is it?
13:43No.
13:45We could talk about the Second World War again.
13:48No, we did that all last week.
13:49That was a good week.
13:50Yeah.
13:52Yeah, I know it's a bit of a stereotype.
13:54You know, men love to talk about the Second World War.
13:56Blah, blah, blah, blah.
13:57But the Second World War was...
13:59A, very important.
14:01And B, brilliant.
14:03I don't know, you're not supposed to say that anymore, but...
14:05Nah, I think it's a great war.
14:06What?
14:07Even better than the great war?
14:10See, that's the kind of joke that, if we were at home,
14:12someone would roll their eyes and say,
14:15that's a dad joke.
14:16But yeah, it's just a joke.
14:18Actually, it was a serious question.
14:20What's your favourite war?
14:22Punic.
14:25Sorry, it's Wednesday night.
14:27It's for the bins.
14:29Mine was last night.
14:32There's no way she would have done it.
14:34But we're not saying middle-aged men are bad, right?
14:43Because middle-aged men, that's the audience.
14:45At best, that's the youth end.
14:47No, I think we can appeal to young people,
14:49because we've got that sketch about, um...
14:50Isn't there a sketch about an Xbox or something?
14:52Is that the one about assisted dying?
14:54No, no, it's the one where we say,
14:55wasn't everything better before the Xbox?
14:57I mean, it was harder to have a wank,
14:58but that made everything more worthwhile.
15:00Oh, that's been cut.
15:02Channel 4 said we had too many sketches
15:03that relied on wanking
15:04and we can only have 11 max.
15:06Okay.
15:07I suppose middle-aged men in Ireland
15:08is just like a fun dig at guys' our dad's age.
15:11Or mine and Kael and Lara's dad's age.
15:13Stevie, I am 18 months older than you.
15:16Is that all?
15:16Are you sure that's right?
15:18I'm not sure that it's having a go at our dad's
15:20so much as...
15:21It's not actually that weird, you know, being 50.
15:24Well, of course, I...
15:25It's quite a normal age to be, okay?
15:27Yes, I mean, it's an ageing population.
15:30Ageing is very now, very contemporary.
15:31In the past, people were a lot younger.
15:33You were.
15:34No, I mean, well, yes,
15:36but what I'm saying is that in previous ages...
15:39Oh, here comes another history lesson.
15:40In previous ages, in the middle ages,
15:43but people were younger.
15:44The average age was lower
15:45because people died younger.
15:47A youthful population is, in fact, very, very dated.
15:51Yes, it's actually very now to have dementia.
15:53Yet decrepitude is the new infant mortality.
15:55Not that we're decrepit.
15:56If only, we're not that cool.
15:58Yeah, I just think...
15:58Although I do have recurring back issues
16:00and Rob had open-heart surgery.
16:01Okay, I think we're speaking at cross-purposes here, David.
16:03Let's not be turkeys voting for Christmas.
16:05I know we're middle-aged,
16:06but broadcasting is very youth-skewed.
16:08Always has been.
16:09Bill Cotton used to say...
16:10Shut up.
16:11Channel 4 in particular
16:12desperately try to appeal to young people.
16:14Oh, it's like a lechy uncle
16:15dancing at a wedding sometimes.
16:16Yeah, let's do the quiz
16:18where everyone shows their balls.
16:19Or vaginas.
16:20Or, as you quite rightly say, Lara, vaginas.
16:23I just think we should pay lip service to that
16:25and not just be constantly banging on
16:27about how old we are.
16:28Like this bit that we're doing now
16:29where we go on about being old
16:31when these young people,
16:32some of them women...
16:33Are just saying or vaginas.
16:34That's literally all I've said except this.
16:36Yeah, but you said it so well.
16:37Like, I want to say or vaginas now.
16:39In a way, Stevie, you have.
16:44Introducing Branboozled.
16:46The great new board game
16:47for everyone who loves puzzles and bran.
16:50Hooray!
16:51You've been branboozled.
16:52Hand over the bran, Grandpa.
16:53Oh.
16:57You've taken all my bran,
16:59you little scamp.
17:01Mmm.
17:02Bran.
17:04Throw the dice and spin the dial.
17:05Collect the bran and branboozle your opponents
17:07before you yourself are branboozled.
17:09Oh, I've been branboozled.
17:13More bran for me.
17:15Branboozle.
17:18The great new game
17:18that's getting all the family
17:19eating lashings of pure bran.
17:22Excessive bran consumption
17:23may cause rectal warping.
17:26Morning, Jim.
17:27Hi.
17:28That's all done.
17:29Do you want to have a listen?
17:30Oh, yes, please.
17:45Uh, so this is, uh...
17:48This is the rolled-up carpet
17:50being dragged down the flight of stairs
17:52with a dachshund yapping in the background.
17:54Oh, yeah.
17:56And you, um,
17:57you used your cock for this one?
18:00I don't think so.
18:01Not this one.
18:01I wasn't sure how much of it you needed, so...
18:13Great.
18:14Yeah.
18:24Come to think of it,
18:24I think this was one of the ones I used my cock for.
18:27Yeah, I thought so.
18:27It's wonderful how it doesn't matter anymore
18:37how old you are.
18:38I never imagined I would have this opportunity,
18:41but, of course, times change.
18:44With this particular piece,
18:45I thought it was important
18:46not to fixate on the age of the actor,
18:48but on the overall energy he gives off.
18:51It's such a daring and fascinating time in the theatre.
18:54In the olden days,
18:55I would never have had the chance
18:57to be in this wonderful stage annotation
18:59of The Matrix playing Neil.
19:02Oh, it's actually Neo, Sir Charlie.
19:04Hmm?
19:04Your character is called Neo.
19:06That's right, yes.
19:07And, of course, the thing about Neil
19:09is that, like most of us,
19:11he doesn't know he's in The Matrix
19:12until somebody calls his agent and says,
19:15would you like to be in The Matrix?
19:17And, uh, you think Sir Charlie
19:19gives off the right energy to play Neo?
19:21Yes.
19:21As soon as the producer suggested Sir Charlie to me,
19:24I could immediately see
19:25that he gives off exactly the right energy.
19:28Even though he's 78?
19:29Yes.
19:30Aren't there younger actors
19:31that might be more suited to playing Neil?
19:33Yes, but an audience willing to pay West End prices
19:36to see an adaptation of The Matrix
19:37won't have heard of them,
19:38whereas they all remember Sir Charlie
19:40from all the merchant ivory shit he did in the 80s.
19:43Are you excited to be in The Matrix?
19:45Well, I'm delighted,
19:46but as I say,
19:47Neil is absolutely devastated.
19:49Neil takes the red pill
19:50and discovers he's in The Matrix
19:52for eight shows a week,
19:53including bank holidays,
19:54for 12 weeks,
19:55and I couldn't be happier.
19:57I'll just put this here.
19:58Yes, I don't know.
19:59That's fine.
19:59I don't want to get in the way.
20:01It's week two of rehearsals,
20:03and Sir Charlie and director Tony Pastry
20:04are grappling with the iconic scene
20:06where Neo uploads martial arts
20:08into his brain.
20:09Oh, no.
20:10Okay, so Tank just inserted the program,
20:14he's pressed the button,
20:15and all that knowledge
20:16flashes into your head
20:18in just a few seconds,
20:19and then you open your eyes
20:20and you say the line.
20:23All right, Tony,
20:23leave it with me.
20:24Right, so he's pressed the button.
20:25Press the button.
20:29I know Kung Fu.
20:35All right, Tony.
20:37It's just...
20:39Try it again.
20:41Of course, of course.
20:42Press the button.
20:43I know Kung Fu.
20:50Yeah, it's...
20:52I think I know what it is.
20:53Yes.
20:54You're saying the line like,
20:56Kung Fu is an old friend
20:58that you've just remembered.
20:59Yes.
21:00But it isn't.
21:00No.
21:01It's a martial art.
21:02That I've forgotten.
21:04No.
21:04Because it's been years.
21:06No.
21:06How long has it been Kung Fu?
21:08He's not Kung Fu.
21:09It's been years.
21:10We're improvising.
21:11He's not Kung Fu.
21:12Oh, I see.
21:13I'm saying I know Kung Fu.
21:15But Kung Fu's not here.
21:17I could be Kung Fu.
21:18I don't mind.
21:19Oh, bless you for that, Theo.
21:20Could we try that, Tony?
21:22I think that would really help.
21:23For me.
21:25Okay.
21:27So, let's press the button.
21:28I know Kung Fu.
21:39Hi.
21:42You see, the problem is, Tony,
21:44I'm saying I know Kung Fu,
21:46but Kung Fu's standing right there,
21:47so it doesn't make any sense.
21:48Yes, you don't say it to him.
21:51And he's not Kung Fu.
21:53And Kung Fu isn't a person.
21:58Well, all right, Tony,
22:00but that's a lot of changes to take on board.
22:02May I suggest a cup of tea?
22:06Cup of tea for you, Tony?
22:07I'll see you next week.
22:07Bye-bye.
22:07Bye-bye.
22:08Bye-bye.
22:08Bye-bye.
22:08Bye-bye.
22:08Bye-bye.
22:08Bye-bye.
22:08Bye-bye.
22:08Bye-bye.
22:08Bye-bye.
22:08Bye-bye.
22:08Bye-bye.
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22:08Bye-bye.
22:08Bye-bye.
22:09Bye-bye.
22:09Bye-bye.
22:09Bye-bye.
22:09Bye-bye.
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22:09Bye-bye.
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22:09Bye-bye.
22:09Bye-bye.
22:09Bye-bye.
22:09Bye-bye.
22:09Bye-bye.
22:09Bye-bye.
22:09Bye-bye.
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