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00:00Knock, knock. You got a minute, Ken?
00:08Of course, Headmaster, but I've got a lesson in half an hour
00:12where I expect we'll be doing fractions again.
00:15Yeah, you see, this is what I've wanted to talk to you about.
00:17I tried telling them last year, you know, find the lowest common denominator.
00:21But just when you think you're getting somewhere, they go off for the summer,
00:24come back, and it's like you're talking Hungarian.
00:27Yeah, I think I can see the problem here.
00:29Highest common factor. What's that, sir?
00:31Stop screaming that we've been over and over and over this, sir.
00:35We're getting frightened.
00:36I mean, where do they go on holiday? To a memory-wiping clinic?
00:40No, it's...
00:40Are there such things? Because I'd give that a go.
00:43Nice place in Switzerland, view of the lake,
00:46and then you see it as if for the first time every day.
00:49Oh, dear, I'm still getting a tiny tingle of trauma.
00:53Stick me back in the machine.
00:55Ah.
00:56Ken, we went to Spain.
00:57It was shit.
00:59They're different children.
01:01Yeah.
01:02It's like they're different children.
01:03No, they are different children.
01:06Every school year, every July, you finish teaching one group of children,
01:11and then the following September, a different group of children arrive,
01:15who, crucially, and I need you to concentrate on this,
01:18don't know what you just spent the last year teaching
01:21to some completely different people.
01:24What are you talking about?
01:25I can't think of another way of saying it.
01:27They're different children.
01:28What, the ones who sit here?
01:29The small, noisy, stupid people who don't know anything?
01:33Yeah, they're eight years old, Ken.
01:34They must be older than that.
01:36They've been here years.
01:37No, they haven't.
01:37Yes, they have.
01:38They're always there.
01:40Smelly, mal-coordinated, easily distracted, freak out about wasps.
01:45They're different ones.
01:48But, but this means...
01:50What?
01:51That's not fair.
01:53That's like every year, I paint a mountain,
01:57turn my back for six weeks, and you've unpainted it.
02:00You've covered it in shit mountains wrong.
02:02I've built a cathedral, and you...
02:04I know what you're getting at.
02:05I was given to understand at teacher training college
02:08that I would teach children maths.
02:10I would teach them, and then they would be taught.
02:13But now you're telling me that however many children I teach maths to,
02:17you'll find some more who don't know maths
02:20and make me teach them,
02:21knowing that as soon as they get it,
02:23they too will be gone,
02:24and I'll be back to square one with some other bunch of little shits.
02:27I would never have agreed to that.
02:30It's very much the job, Ken.
02:31The job is for me to carry on teaching children fractions
02:35until I've taught all the children in the world,
02:37or I die, whichever happens first.
02:40How could you begin to pay me enough
02:42for such a feat of Sisyphean futility?
02:46This is very much why I became a headteacher.
02:49I just do the admin now.
02:50Previously on Swearie Aussie Drama
02:59Is this motherfucker my fucking mother or what?
03:02She's your fucking mother or fucking right.
03:04But my fucking mother's fucked.
03:07She said it's a fucking doornail.
03:09Well, surprise the fucking prize.
03:11Fuck me.
03:12Fuck's sake.
03:13That's a turn up for the fucking books.
03:15Fuck the fucking books.
03:17That's fucking right.
03:23If your motherfucking fucking mother's un-fucked,
03:25then shit.
03:26Too fucking right.
03:28This is my fucking farm now.
03:29Although my dead fucking body.
03:31That can be a fucking range.
03:35If you shitters don't give me the fucking books,
03:38I'm going to blow every fucking one
03:40of your bastard cock-breath brains out.
03:42What the fuck?
03:44Give your fucking mother the motherfucking books.
03:45I've kept this fucking farm together
03:49through rain and fucking shine
03:51and I'm fucked if I ended up
03:53with a song shit from Rain's twat
03:55who shat me out.
03:56You little shit clean.
03:58You dog-nobby arse of.
04:00Fuck.
04:00Christ.
04:01Shut up.
04:03You fucking killed the cunt,
04:05you dozy fuck.
04:07Which cunt?
04:08Which cunt did I kill?
04:09What if NASA sent a pianist to Uranus?
04:19Yes, this is all excellent.
04:23Okay, Bozo, shut the fuck up.
04:25Sorry for swearing just now.
04:27As you can see,
04:28I've been appointed the new fire officer.
04:30So from now on,
04:31we take the fire alarms seriously.
04:33When it sounds,
04:34we all have to evacuate
04:35in an orderly fashion
04:37because one day
04:38there's going to be a real fire,
04:39fingers crossed,
04:40and then you'll all know what to do
04:41and you'll say,
04:42thank you, Lara.
04:43Thank you because I am not burning.
04:45Okay, I think I know what this is about.
04:47It's because we ignored
04:48that fire alarm last week.
04:49Yeah, too right it is.
04:50Yeah.
04:51And that's not going to happen again.
04:52Not on my watch.
04:53So when the fire alarm goes off,
04:54and I'm not saying I know when,
04:56but when it goes off,
04:58we all have to leave the room, okay?
05:00This is not necessarily a drill.
05:02It'll obviously be a drill.
05:03Did you consider that maybe it's a real fire
05:04that wants you to think it's a drill?
05:06It's never a real fire.
05:07Okay, so I just don't see
05:08why the pianist has to go to Uranus.
05:11Like, it still has to make sense.
05:12Like, maybe he's lost his fanny pack?
05:14Sorry.
05:15Sometimes it's a real fire.
05:16What?
05:17I actually have been through a fire.
05:18Oh, God, Crystal, really?
05:20Was it bad?
05:21Yeah, it was really bad.
05:22You know, I barely escaped
05:23and I got burned and it was...
05:25That's right, Crystal!
05:26That's right!
05:27Sometimes it's a real fire!
05:29Okay!
05:30All right!
05:31The drill will start momentarily.
05:32Okay, or is it a drill?
05:34That's the thing with fires.
05:35You never really know, right, Crystal?
05:36Tome?
05:38Ah!
05:39There's a fire in the building!
05:41Everybody get out now!
05:43This is not a drill.
05:45I promise, this is not a drill.
05:47It could be in the kitchen.
05:48It could be in the toilet.
05:49It could be a flame bomb
05:50dropping from the sky.
05:51This could be all we get in!
05:53So please leave the building
05:55in an orderly fashion.
06:00Crystal...
06:01Crystal...
06:01No.
06:04I changed my mind.
06:05You know, it could be really funny
06:06if the pianist
06:08had a name
06:09that sounded like
06:10another rude word.
06:11So, like,
06:11Cockmeister.
06:16Good morning.
06:19Today marks a new dawn
06:21in our country's shared history.
06:23A budget that offers
06:24hope for the future.
06:25I will today be announcing
06:27a raft of new measures,
06:29including £4 billion
06:30for improved bus services,
06:33£20 billion
06:34for the NHS,
06:35and £200 billion
06:37to be put into
06:38a special compensation fund
06:40for when it becomes apparent
06:41that what happened,
06:42happened.
06:43Also, there's no money
06:45for roundabouts anymore.
06:46Sorry, Chancellor.
06:46So if you get to a junction
06:48where there are loads
06:48of different roads
06:49coming off it,
06:50you'll just have to
06:50feel out the vibe.
06:52Sorry, can I ask you
06:53to go back, Chancellor?
06:54To the roundabouts?
06:55No, no, no.
06:56Yeah, the bit before that.
06:57The £200 billion
06:59in a special compensation fund
07:01for when it becomes apparent
07:02that what happened,
07:03happened.
07:04OK, furthermore...
07:05Sorry, what does
07:05what happened mean?
07:07What did happen?
07:08Look, the British public
07:09want us to look forward,
07:10not back,
07:11or even in this case
07:12sideways at what's
07:14happening.
07:15Did you say happening?
07:17So it's happening now?
07:18A bit, probably.
07:20Look, I think we're
07:21getting bogged down.
07:22It would be wrong
07:23for me to comment
07:24on issues outside
07:25my remit, like,
07:27well, we don't know what.
07:28We should probably be fine.
07:30But are there
07:30ongoing concerns?
07:32Anything, you know,
07:33in the pipeline?
07:34Who told you
07:34about the pipeline?
07:35What?
07:36It's probably fine.
07:37They've got most of it out
07:38and it's in space now anyway.
07:40We're probably fine
07:41as long as no-one's
07:42still using toasters.
07:43Sorry, toasters?
07:44Yeah, the way they
07:45cook the bread,
07:45it's not natural.
07:47You should really use
07:47a grill or a steamer
07:49if you don't mind
07:50wet toast.
07:51But other than that,
07:52we should be fine.
07:54People don't use
07:54phone boxes anymore.
07:56Even Superman.
07:57Sorry, was there
07:57something wrong
07:58with phone boxes?
07:59I'll say.
08:00Oh, was that
08:02Newstuves?
08:03We've got used to it here.
08:04No, phone boxes,
08:06it seems that they were
08:07making the handsets
08:09out of something...
08:10Well, it was cheaper
08:11than normal plastic
08:12and it turns out
08:13there was a reason.
08:14A reason?
08:15Yeah, it seems
08:16there was, um...
08:17Something was getting in.
08:18But what?
08:19Well, you know that bit
08:20in Star Trek II
08:21The Wrath of Khan
08:22where they put that
08:22nasty creature
08:23in Chekhov's ear?
08:24Well, it's not as bad
08:25as that.
08:26But it's not nice.
08:30Because it's just
08:30so hard, isn't it?
08:32Writing's hard.
08:33Well, that's why
08:34it's so great we have
08:34these writer's coffee mornings
08:35to support each other.
08:37You see, people do make
08:38expositional remarks
08:39in real life.
08:40Yeah, we don't need
08:41to be so hard on ourselves.
08:43Oh, sorry, Ian Forster.
08:44You were saying
08:44you were having a bit
08:45of trouble with the novel
08:46you're working on.
08:46Oh, yes, I'm having
08:47an absolute mare, Susie.
08:49It's, well, you know
08:50I'm calling my novel
08:51Howard's End.
08:52And just to be clear,
08:53Ian Forster,
08:54that's not Howard's Bellend?
08:55It's just the name
08:56of the house.
08:57It's not about anyone's cock.
08:58Not this one, no.
08:59Right.
09:00So I have this character
09:00called Leonard Bast.
09:02Bast?
09:02Are you sure that's
09:03a real name, Ian Forster?
09:04You think that's believable?
09:06You don't think
09:07it should be like
09:07Leonard Brown
09:08or Leonard Potter
09:09like in Harry Potter?
09:10Oh, who's Leonard Potter
09:11in Harry Potter?
09:12No, I just mean Potter.
09:13Well, in that case
09:14it's been done.
09:15Well, everything's been done
09:16and that's why
09:16hashtag writing is so hard.
09:18Aw, hashtag truth.
09:19But anyway, sorry,
09:20go on, Ian Forster,
09:21you were saying?
09:22Well, yes,
09:23this chap Leonard Bast.
09:24Still not sure.
09:25He's just a lowly
09:26insurance clerk
09:27but he's trying to improve
09:28his mind through
09:28extensive reading.
09:30And mindfulness,
09:30I assume?
09:31Yes, possibly.
09:32And what I want to happen,
09:34a good bit
09:35that I'm going to have,
09:36is that he gets crushed
09:37to death
09:37by a heavy bookcase.
09:39Oh, nice twist.
09:41Spoilers.
09:41What?
09:42That sounds great.
09:43Does it?
09:44Good.
09:45Yes.
09:46Because I was worried.
09:47Why?
09:47Well, in case it seems like
09:49I am saying
09:49or the book is saying,
09:51ha ha,
09:51that's what you get
09:52for trying to read books
09:53when you're a lower class oik.
09:55Up yours, Leonard.
09:56In your face.
09:57No one should try
09:57to better themselves.
09:59Oh, goodness.
10:00Yes.
10:01I'm just worried
10:01that future readers
10:02will be unduly distracted
10:03by the question
10:04of whether this irony
10:05was intentional.
10:06I don't think I would be.
10:08I think go for it.
10:08A thousand words a day,
10:09just get it down.
10:10Or don't.
10:12Just fuck it.
10:13Just write one word.
10:14Just write the
10:14and then bin the week.
10:16That's what I do
10:17most weeks.
10:18Then again,
10:18I can see why people
10:19might say you've gone
10:20a bit right wing,
10:21a bit full fash.
10:23So maybe he just dies of,
10:25just if something normal
10:26that people die off.
10:27Or he just lives
10:28half-lever after,
10:29like what happens
10:30in real life.
10:31Yes.
10:32Yes, I could do.
10:34It just feels,
10:35it does feel like
10:36quite a good bit.
10:38Does it?
10:39To me, it does.
10:40It's not good
10:40from Leonard's point of view.
10:42Yes, but you see,
10:43Leonard isn't real.
10:43Yes, you've made that
10:44very clear with his name.
10:47Hmm.
10:49I sometimes feel
10:49I'm not quite cut out
10:50for writer support groups.
10:52We all feel like that
10:53sometimes, yeah, I'm forced to.
10:54Have another cookie.
10:55Cookie.
10:56He calls them biscuits.
10:58Oh, yes, I will.
11:05It just does feel
11:06like a good bit.
11:14You see, my worry
11:15is that it will look
11:15like Leonard Bast
11:16is being in some way
11:17punished.
11:19The code is 71,
11:19by the way.
11:20All right, thanks.
11:21Please don't go.
11:22That Leonard is trying
11:23to improve his situation,
11:25but all he gets
11:25for his trouble
11:26is to be crushed
11:27by the very items
11:28that were the means
11:29of his self-improvement.
11:31You worry that will look
11:32cruelly ironic?
11:33That is precisely my worry.
11:34I don't think people
11:35will mind.
11:35Really?
11:36Yeah.
11:37Because I do think
11:38it would be a good bit.
11:39You know,
11:40I think people might go,
11:41fuck.
11:42Yeah?
11:43Well, look forward
11:44to seeing it.
11:52There was a garlic naan!
11:57But what will the compensation
11:58for phone boxes be?
12:00Not that much,
12:01which we don't think.
12:02Certainly nothing
12:02on the same scale
12:03as game shows
12:05aimed at children.
12:05What?
12:06What about kids' game shows?
12:07Oh, no, no,
12:08it's not what you think.
12:09No, it's just,
12:10you know,
12:11the gunge.
12:13Gunge?
12:13What's wrong with gunge?
12:15OK, look,
12:16let's just see
12:17how it all plays out.
12:18All right,
12:19the gunge
12:19is the tip of the iceberg.
12:21How it got on the iceberg
12:22is anybody's guess.
12:23And obviously,
12:24the radioactivity
12:24is no picnic, so...
12:26Anyway, where were we?
12:28Roundabout's gone.
12:30Ah, yes.
12:30I can furthermore
12:31exclusively announce today
12:32that we are deregulating
12:34the pharmaceutical industry,
12:35which will drive growth
12:36in the private sector
12:37and hopefully free up
12:38funding for research
12:39into a cure
12:40for pebbled ash lung.
12:42Daddy?
12:54Let's see.
13:24Let's see.
13:54Oh yeah.
13:56Oh, we're going.
13:58Oh, we're going.
14:00Yay!
14:02It's so nice to meet you. I got you a pint.
14:18I was surprised you answered. They don't normally answer.
14:22Right. Well, I'm really glad you reached out.
14:26Me too.
14:32Can I see your feet?
14:35Sure.
15:02Biscuits.
15:04And you get this, you know, Dad's going around switching all the lights off, but the reality
15:09is if somebody didn't do that, then the bowls would be going every five minutes, and then
15:12what?
15:13Exactly.
15:14Aunt Lily says, Dad, bulbs don't go anymore.
15:16Seriously?
15:17Yeah.
15:18That's what she said.
15:19They don't go anymore.
15:20They don't go anymore?
15:21Yeah.
15:22She said, they're all LEDs now, they don't go anymore.
15:24And I said, listen, love, they go. Everything goes.
15:36They do last a lot longer now, though.
15:38Yeah, they do.
15:39Yeah, they do.
15:44So, Cockmeister is on a journey to find his lost cock?
15:47A cock journey.
15:48I like it.
15:49Ah!
15:50There's a fire in the building!
15:52Everybody get out now!
15:54This is not a...
15:55Okay.
15:56I admit that you guys have no reason to trust me, but I'm being serious.
16:00There's a real fire this time.
16:01We gotta go.
16:02You won't win, Lara.
16:03You're not gonna make us believe in the fire.
16:05I was just trying to start a little tiny fire in the room cupboard, just to try to prove
16:09my point just a little bit, but got a hand really quickly, and now it's a fire and I'm
16:13being serious.
16:14We have to get out.
16:15Tell you what, what if the Cockmeister gets sucked into the black hole?
16:17That's good.
16:18Is someone getting this down?
16:19Yeah.
16:20Could the black hole be sucking him off?
16:21Mmm.
16:22Sucked off.
16:23The cock is sucked all the way off.
16:24Off.
16:25Off.
16:26All the way off.
16:27Not to the point of ejaculation.
16:28Okay.
16:29Yeah.
16:30So, astronaut Cockmeister is going to Uranus to find his handy pack.
16:34This is gold.
16:35Yes.
16:36Why is he Cockmeister?
16:37Is he German?
16:38Meister?
16:39That...
16:40Why is that?
16:41This is so fucked up.
16:43Hi.
16:44How's he doing?
16:45He's a lot pecky.
16:46Yeah.
16:47I don't know.
16:48I don't know.
16:49I don't know.
16:50I don't know.
16:51I don't know.
16:52I don't know.
16:53He's a lot perkier.
16:54Which is to be expected.
16:56They often get a spurt of energy when they're this close to the end.
17:00I'll give you guys some time.
17:03Hey.
17:04Hey, Dad.
17:05Hey.
17:06It's me.
17:07It's a piece.
17:08Project, darling.
17:09No.
17:10They can't hear you at the back.
17:12That's what Lockie, Michael Timslock, I call him Lockie, told me on press night of Diplodocus
17:19ketchup, 1968 at the Almeida.
17:22Now, here I lie, a rare 55 years later.
17:28No regrets.
17:29Not one.
17:30No.
17:31This is it.
17:32My beautiful children surrounding me.
17:35Though I know it will be soon, I have no knowledge of my last breath.
17:39But that which I can control are my last words.
17:44Words to be remembered by.
17:47Words to be immortalized on my headstone, should anyone choose to visit my resting place.
17:54Let them be these.
17:56I am so, so proud of you all.
18:02I am so much prouder of me.
18:08Be great and seen.
18:18Sorry.
18:19Are you...
18:20Are you not going to speak anymore?
18:22He wants his last words to be and seen for their heads down.
18:26Right.
18:27Okay.
18:28Just, I had some things I wanted to ask.
18:30Seriously, mate, forget it.
18:32He isn't going to speak anymore.
18:33That's absurd.
18:34It could be days yet.
18:35It'll probably be hours.
18:37Sorry, could you leave?
18:38I thought you'd left.
18:39Yeah, no, I slipped back in for the monologue.
18:41Love stuff like that.
18:42Shakespeare.
18:43Which play, my boy?
18:44As You Like It.
18:45It's my favourite.
18:46I actually tried to get tickets to see you in Midsummer Night's Dream, but it was all sold out.
18:50Yes, that was quite something.
18:52Everyone within the M25 wanted to see my Puck.
18:56So his last words aren't now and seen, then?
18:59Ah, shit.
19:00Wait.
19:01Dad, I...
19:02Shh.
19:03Hang on.
19:04Ah, yes.
19:05Puck the mischief maker.
19:07Else the Puck a liar call.
19:10So good night unto you all.
19:13Be great and seen.
19:16Beautiful.
19:17Amazing last words, Dad.
19:19Yeah.
19:20Sorry, are we all just going to sit here in silence?
19:23He can hold a conversation.
19:25We don't have to stop speaking.
19:27Denise, you're being horrible.
19:29Yeah, I thought that.
19:30Would you two like water?
19:31Yeah.
19:32I'll have a sip, me old mugger.
19:34So those are your last words, then?
19:35Bloody hell.
19:36Denise, stop bullying Dad.
19:37Does no one else think this is ridiculous?
19:41The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous.
19:46The sensible man, hardly anything.
19:49Be great and seen.
19:51Wait, Dad, does that mean she's better than us?
19:54No, no, no, just different.
19:55Different how, Dad?
19:56Well, she never put knickers round her ears and ran around shouting,
19:59I'm a silly bum head.
20:01Was it not?
20:02You absolutely did.
20:03Both of you.
20:04It was so annoying.
20:05That's not true.
20:06I've no memory of that.
20:07Well, how could you remember?
20:08You were sick.
20:09Yes, but I would still never.
20:10What are you talking about?
20:12We've got literally loads of photos of both of you doing your stupid bum head.
20:15You always make shit up.
20:16Why are you doing this?
20:17You were late and now you're lying.
20:19Guys, guys.
20:21I'm so sorry.
20:26Wait.
20:27Wait.
20:44And it just crashes him, you see.
20:46Squash!
20:47All those heavy books down on top of Leonard Bast.
20:49Good.
20:50I didn't like the sound of Leonard Bast.
20:52Oh.
20:53Really?
20:54I was hoping...
20:55SWAT.
20:56DIE SWAT!
20:57Oh, I was...
20:58SWAT-ed.
20:59You could call it SWAT-ed.
21:01So you think it's a good bit?
21:02I do, yes.
21:03Any other bits you like?
21:05None.
21:06The rest of it sounds shit.
21:07I see.
21:08Right, well, better keep that bit then.
21:10Is it very hot in here or is it because I'm secretly gay?
21:21I think it's a bit of both, E.M. Forster.
21:25Thank you for listening, God!
21:26It's a good job.
21:27No, God.
21:28I love you.
21:29No, God.
21:30I'm so sorry to say that what I did.
21:31I think it's a good job.
21:32I know.
21:33No, God.
21:34I'm really lovingly.
21:35Damn it.
21:36I know.
21:37I am.
21:38No, God.
21:39That's a good job.
21:40I can look a lot of guys.
21:41That's a good job.
21:42I should do, G.
21:43No.
21:44No, God.
21:45No, God.
21:46No, God.
21:47No, God.
21:48No, God.
21:49No, God.
21:50No, God.
21:51No, God.
21:52No, God.
21:53No, God.
21:54No, God.
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