- 4 months ago
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00:01Well, if you're just joining us on Frisbee FM, I'm talking to Simon Magwich,
00:05who just won this year's Hampshire's Got Talent
00:08for playing Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the xylophone.
00:12Just part of the first movement.
00:14And the amazing thing, and I must admit that even I didn't know this,
00:17is that you're not a professional xylophone player, Simon.
00:20Oh, no, it's strictly a hobby.
00:22But no one seems to know what you do the rest of the time.
00:25No.
00:26I mean, what you do for your day job.
00:28Hmm.
00:29Do you have a day job, Simon?
00:31Um, yes, I suppose I do.
00:34You suppose you do?
00:36Yes.
00:37Well, I suppose it's a job.
00:38It's never really been properly explained to me.
00:41Never been properly explained.
00:43I know the feelings, Simon.
00:44And I bet a lot of the listeners do, too.
00:46Really?
00:47Absolutely.
00:48Tell us about this mysterious job, then.
00:50Can I?
00:51Do you think that'll be all right?
00:52Absolutely.
00:53It's just that nobody's ever asked me before.
00:55I'm asking now, Simon.
00:57You've got us all on tenterhooks.
00:59Well, it's quite dull, really.
01:00It's been the same every day since I was a child.
01:02Uh-huh.
01:03All that happens is I get up at dawn, and then a car with blacked-out windows pulls up, and I get in, and I'm taken to the Foundation.
01:10Sorry?
01:11The Foundation?
01:12What foundation?
01:13Just the Foundation.
01:15And then I'm greeted by the Proctor, who is a different person every day with the same face, and I drink the Elixir.
01:21And then I undress and exfoliate before being led to my console so that I can participate in the game.
01:28I can't really tell you much about the game.
01:31They play me white noise through the earphones, and I go into a sort of trance.
01:35But I think it involves numbers.
01:37Many, many numbers.
01:40And special diagrams.
01:43And maps, too, sometimes.
01:45Maps of distant places, mountain ranges, and austere temples, and cities of glass in the desert.
01:51Right.
01:54And before I know it, I perform the custom of forgetfulness, and I'm back in the car and home by lunchtime.
02:00I see.
02:01And then, at the end of every month, three million pounds drops into my bank account.
02:04So, I think it must count as a good job, as well as probably also very, very serious.
02:16Right.
02:17Well, we've all learned something today.
02:19Simon's doing all right for himself, and the panic button under my desk doesn't work.
02:24Here's the sugar, babes.
02:26I am Sally.
02:28I don't take no for an answer.
02:30I give no for an answer.
02:33Steve here.
02:34I'm a Gemini, and I'm twinned with success.
02:37I'm Zoe.
02:38I'm here to win, and then I'm going home.
02:39My home is superbly decorated.
02:41I'm Paddy.
02:42And these shoes are made for stamping.
02:44On the heads of the Oppo!
02:45Harold's my name, but there's nothing Christmassy about getting on the wrong side of me.
02:51I'm Chris.
02:52I'm a winner, and I'm not here to make friends.
02:54I am here to make friends.
02:56Hi, I'm Nigel.
02:57Susan, call me Susie, but only if I give you permission, which I don't.
03:02I'm Brian.
03:03I aim to be punctual, and I often manage it.
03:07I'm Alex.
03:08I aim to winning what beetroot is to pink piss integral.
03:12I'm Gemma.
03:13I love clubbing.
03:14The opposition, to death.
03:16I'm Andy.
03:17At school, they called me Andy Pandy.
03:18It made me violent.
03:21I'm Amanda, and I like winning so much I bought the company, and then I sold it for many diamonds.
03:27I'm Sarah, and if winning were a disease, I'd be dead.
03:32Those are the contenders, and this is Hot Seed.
03:36Let's play.
03:37Let's play.
04:02Sorry.
04:07Oh, dear.
04:12Oh, it's pretty tough.
04:16There was a lady who was really digging in with her elbows.
04:20I had a great time the last few weeks, so I thought I could probably get pretty close to the end, but ruined it.
04:28What the fucking cuck?
04:37The fucking prick.
04:38He's only fucking taking them.
04:40I'll beat the shit out of that cock-sucking old bastard.
04:43What the fuck are you shouting about, you fucking dick fucker?
04:46That crafty old prick.
04:47He's fucking taking the fucking books.
04:49What do you need fucking books for, you silly old cunt?
04:52The fucking books, you dozy bitch.
04:53He's fucking taking the fucking books like a yawning twat.
04:56Fuck's sake.
04:58Fucker with a blue one.
04:59Fucking shit.
05:07Where the fuck is your cunt father?
05:09He's not my cunt father.
05:10He's my cunt father-in-law.
05:12He's my fucking cunt father.
05:14Well, where the fucking fuck is his?
05:16Listen, you stupid prick.
05:17I've kept this fucking farm together by the sweat of my fucking brow, and I'll fuck myself
05:22and every one of you ugly fucking cock-suckers before I tell you where my dozy fucking cunt father is.
05:28I'm fucking here, you prick.
05:34You fucking thought you could just fucking walk in here and take my fucking farm?
05:39You lazy dozy piece of shit fuck cunt.
05:42You fucking sold the fucking farm to me fair and fucking square, you shit bad cock breath bastard.
05:47Then why the fuck don't you have the fucking books, you shit for brains dog fucker?
05:53You should have fucking given me the farm, you smelly old cunt.
05:56Oh, shut the fuck up, you cunt breath fuck dog.
05:59Bitch!
06:01I've got the fucking books!
06:08This fucking farm's my fucking farm now!
06:11Christ!
06:12Fuck, shit.
06:13Oh, dear.
06:14I mean, fuck!
06:23Introducing Stab the Pirate.
06:25The board game for everyone who hates seafaring criminality.
06:30Dad, you stole my barrel of rum.
06:34Bad luck, it's a stabbing.
06:41Throw the dice and spin the dial.
06:43Stab the pirate before you yourself are stabbed or shot.
06:47I can't see!
06:52Ow!
06:53Ow!
06:54Stab the pirate.
06:55It's not safe.
06:56Out now.
06:57Eyepatch sold separately.
07:00Allow me to pour you some tea, Inspector.
07:02Thank you, Lady Agatha.
07:06So, you see, it wouldn't have been possible for Lord Barrington to move from the study to the library in the time you suggest,
07:11because he was seen having a lengthy conversation with Dr Lacey in the Conservatory at the same time the hall clock chimed seven,
07:17at which point several other guests came down the main staircase, thereby rendering a covert crossing of the hallway entirely impossible.
07:23Indeed, we are left to conclude that he or someone very like him arrived at the library by way of the gardens,
07:29entering through the French windows, which we know were locked from the inside.
07:32However, his lordship could have accessed a key from Jenkins' potting shed, where a spare set was kept in the yellow flower pot on the top shelf.
07:39Jenkins himself said that a key was missing the morning after the murder.
07:42However, when he checked again later that afternoon, it appears to have been returned.
07:46Now, whether or not this can be indicative of foul play or merely the failing memory of an ageing member of staff remains to be seen.
07:55We realised very early on, when making Lady Agatha investigates it, viewers weren't really watching for the whodunit aspect of the show.
08:02They were watching for the steam.
08:04It was quite a discovery. People just love steam. Steam trains, steam rooms, other steam.
08:10The feeling of steam, the look of steam, the idea of steam, the romance of steam, the reality of steam, the comfort of steam.
08:19It doesn't matter how it comes or where it comes from.
08:22Tell me, Jenkins, where were you around noon last Thursday?
08:27Couldn't be entirely sure, Lady Agatha.
08:29Do you mind if I have a Jimmy Riddle? It might help jog me memory.
08:32Oh, go ahead, Jenkins. You'll find me quite unshockable. I was in the Wrens, you know.
08:35Right.
08:36Well, I suppose, yes, I remember that day because there was a couple of fezzies caught in the traps in the east wood.
08:44Now, that was unusual because they don't tend to get up that way this time of year.
08:49So I thought, funny, I thought, but I didn't make much of it.
08:52That was the day I was trying to get the last of the autumn leaves on the bonfire.
08:57And that would have taken me, well, I can't be sure that young Adam was still off with whooping cough.
09:03So I was on my own, like.
09:05And, er...
09:06Yeah, all in all, I'd say, er...
09:09Sorry, I was a question.
09:11There was a brief hiccup when we thought that because people liked steam they wanted the show to be steamy.
09:17So for series three we filmed several very explicit sex scenes of Lady Agatha banging all the suspects one after another.
09:25And then finally all together.
09:27And the audience absolutely hated that.
09:29So we reshot all those scenes with just great plumes of steam obscuring everything.
09:33And everyone was happy.
09:35Oh, but where were you last Thursday?
09:38Oh, on the 942 to Plymouth.
09:40Oh, I'll let you off then.
09:42Oh, thanks.
09:55Coming soon.
09:56It happened to you.
09:58Empire Magazine says it's the best horror film of the century.
10:02It was so scary.
10:03It was amazing.
10:04I'm still so scared.
10:05At the most dreadful two hours of my life.
10:06Definitely.
10:07Just incredible.
10:08I saw it for the first time two weeks ago and I've made five attempts on my own life since then.
10:25Oh, God!
10:26Oh, God!
10:27Oh, God!
10:28Oh, God!
10:29I did a bit of a wee and it warmed me for a second but I'm still scared.
10:32Oh, my God!
10:33Sorry!
10:34My wife saw it and died of shock.
10:35And then screamed for an hour after she was medically dead.
10:38The reviews are unanimous.
10:39Just a terrible experience.
10:40And the cinema was freezing also.
10:41It was really cold in there.
10:42It was.
10:43It was.
10:44It was.
10:45It was.
10:46It was.
10:47It was.
10:48It was.
10:49It was.
10:50It was really cold.
10:51See it if you dare.
10:52This is bringing up some deeply unresolved shit that I'm not one place to deal with right
10:59now.
11:00Oh, no!
11:01He's in the summer!
11:02No!
11:03He's in the summer!
11:04No!
11:05He's in the summer!
11:06No!
11:07No!
11:08I'm in the summer!
11:09No!
11:10No!
11:11No!
11:12No!
11:13No!
11:14No!
11:15No!
11:16No!
11:17No!
11:18No!
11:19No!
11:20No!
11:21No!
11:22I'm having a horrible time, just like I requested.
11:27Think about that. Terrified and horrified.
11:31It's not at all nice.
11:34This autumn, it happened to you.
11:40Hi, it's me, Jason.
11:44They used to call me the poor man's Gok Wan,
11:46and then that phrase ceased to mean anything.
11:48Well, welcome to my new vehicle, Hot Seat's Little Stool, Put Your Feet Up,
11:53with all the behind-the-scenes goss of this week's episode of Hot Seat.
11:57And on tonight's show, we're very lucky to have as our guest Brian,
12:01who was knocked out.
12:02I say lucky, it's contractual.
12:04Welcome, Brian.
12:06Hello.
12:06So, you were knocked out. Has it sunk in yet?
12:09Yes.
12:10And are you disappointed?
12:12Yes.
12:14So, what happened? Talk us through it.
12:17Well, the music stopped.
12:18Yeah.
12:19And I went for a chair, the nearest chair, to me,
12:22but someone got to it before I could get to it.
12:26Yeah.
12:27I have to say, that is quite a familiar story here on Hot Seat's Little Stool,
12:31Put Your Feet Up.
12:33Anything else to add, Brian?
12:35No.
12:35No. Right.
12:36Let's have a look at your best bits.
12:38You look over there now.
12:43There you are, sitting down.
12:44Week two, managed it.
12:45Week three, nice one.
12:49Et cetera, et cetera.
12:50Oh, that was touch and go.
12:52You got there.
12:53Yeah.
12:53Fine.
12:54Fine.
12:55And then finally, as we say, there you are, standing up.
13:02That's it, really.
13:03I've said it before.
13:04This format is like a big paper bag with a couple of Maltesers just rattling around in it.
13:10It's just, it's not substantial, is what I'm saying.
13:13No wonder Trini turned it down.
13:16And post Saatchi, she is desperate.
13:18Well, last summer, she was pea vining in Lincolnshire.
13:22She was getting the peas in.
13:23I mean, literally harvesting.
13:24And not in a Clarkson's Farm kind of way.
13:28Untelevised.
13:29I mean, getting up pre-dawn, driving the pea viner.
13:32You have to keep it straight.
13:34Everyone else is Romanian.
13:35You can't talk about handbags.
13:36She had a nightmare.
13:38You should see the state of her nails.
13:40Jesus.
13:42Bad luck, Brian.
13:44Thanks, Brian.
13:45Would you like to have a selfie with me?
13:46Oh, really?
13:47Thanks.
13:48Oh, here they are.
13:54Hello.
13:55Hi.
13:55So, Channel 4 have been doing some research into your brand slash brands, and they'd like
14:00us to explain the results to you.
14:02Yeah, because you're obviously too old to understand it for yourself.
14:05That's right, yeah.
14:06Yes, it is.
14:06So, in order to create your content strategies, they've been assessing everything you've been
14:11doing across your very long, long, long, long careers.
14:15Yeah, and the main goal is to align your brand with your core values and your beliefs.
14:20And they've generated word clouds, okay?
14:22So, this is what people think of when they think of Rob.
14:26As you can see, a real theme here, you know, funny, comedian, Mr. Funny Man, dancing.
14:31They loved you on Strictly.
14:32Thanks.
14:33Why is the word death there?
14:34Oh, that's just something that came up.
14:35You don't need to dwell on it.
14:36But why would people say death when they thought of me?
14:39No, it's just like a free association.
14:41People, they go, robber, rob, dad, dad bod, balding, old, death.
14:48You know, it's just like, it comes up.
14:49There's nothing to worry about.
14:50I'm not balding.
14:51Okay, you're bald then.
14:52Yeah, it's just like a jumping off point, you know, patterns of people's perception.
14:55Do you think of death when you look at me?
14:57I do, but I think of death when I look at anyone.
15:00Guys, you're overthinking it.
15:01There's a bunch of other words.
15:02It's not even that big.
15:03How many people had to say death for it to show up there?
15:06Oh, like 20% of respondents is minimal.
15:09Why is death bigger than peep show?
15:11What?
15:11You're, you know, death is bigger than peep show.
15:14Hey, get used to it.
15:15Okay, funny.
15:16Let's focus on funny, comedian, you know.
15:18So we're thinking for your branding colours.
15:20Bright oranges, yellows, you know, young, mobile, loose, alive, living.
15:26Okay, sure.
15:27And David, we've done the same sort of thing with the word for you, and this is what came up.
15:33You've got to be kidding me.
15:34Again, it's nothing to look into.
15:36You know, it's just one word.
15:37There are loads of other words.
15:39What are the other words?
15:40I can't.
15:40Yeah, they're almost too small.
15:42Er, I can see cunt, cunty, cunt with a k, cunt phase.
15:47Did I say cuntasaurus twat?
15:49So the word we're dealing with mostly is cunt.
15:52Yeah, and for your branding colours, we were thinking a lovely emerald green or a cunty little
15:57shade of mauve.
15:58This is ridiculous.
15:59Who did they ask?
16:00Where does this word cloud come from?
16:02I can't hear you.
16:05Could you speak up, please?
16:06He is kind of a...
16:07I said please.
16:08It's just the people at the channel.
16:11Let's move on.
16:12Okay, and here is the combined word cloud for the Mitchell and Webb brand.
16:17Oh, lots of different words to play with here.
16:19We've got dry and contrast.
16:23And we, of course, still have a pretty big half-cunt there because of the ginormous cunt on David's
16:29word cloud.
16:30How many people needed to say cunt for it to show up that big?
16:34Statistically, I think everyone.
16:38Yes, everyone said it in one way or another.
16:40In one way or another.
16:41They all said it.
16:42Did they ask you?
16:43Did you all say it?
16:44Let's not get caught up on the details.
16:46Details would be nice.
16:47Nuance would be nice.
16:49A person can't be all cunt.
16:50No, and that's why, according to this, you're only 98% cunt.
16:54Yeah, there's a 2% margin of error.
16:56Look, it doesn't have real-world ramifications, lads.
16:59You know, this is just Channel 4's communication strategy.
17:02They've also been working on a poster.
17:03Oh.
17:03Oh.
17:03Well, that actually is quite nice.
17:14No!
17:15Please!
17:16Shut up, Spanners.
17:17You know what you did.
17:18Yeah.
17:19You...
17:19You shut your face.
17:21Please!
17:21I've got a family!
17:23You do?
17:24What, like, kids' family or, like, cousins?
17:26Oi, oi.
17:27No talking to him.
17:28We get this done, we get out.
17:30Nephews!
17:31Oh, I don't know, Frank.
17:33It still seems a lot.
17:34Killing someone seems like too much.
17:36If I kill him, I would have killed someone, you know?
17:43You use a mobile phone, don't you?
17:44Yeah.
17:45Well, then, you can't suddenly be all,
17:46oh, I don't want to murder this man,
17:48and then be browsing on your phone.
17:50Google where the precious metals for your precious phone come from.
17:52Google it.
17:53What, using my phone?
17:55It's child soldiers in Africa, OK?
17:57Everyone knows that.
17:58So you can't not kill this man, but then use a phone.
18:01Is that the same?
18:01Yes, it's exactly the same.
18:03You can't make moral distinctions and have a phone.
18:06Or use shower gel.
18:08What?
18:09Because of the palm oil.
18:10Because of the palm oil.
18:11Oh, you had a lovely lather with your mango madness this morning.
18:14Well, congratulations, you just killed nine orangutans.
18:17Yeah, I bet they had nephews as well.
18:19Well, I won't use shower gel.
18:21Or my phone.
18:22Here.
18:23Eh, eh.
18:24Then you won't be able to hold a job down.
18:25We'll participate in society.
18:27And I'm thinking if I leave this job, then...
18:30We'll kill you, yeah.
18:31You'll kill me, yeah.
18:32You have to have a mobile phone.
18:34Even in the non-organised crime world,
18:36your quality of life will be severely impacted.
18:39Yeah.
18:39So you're going to get off your high horse and bury this man alive, or what?
18:42The fact that you would even consider not burying this man alive makes you the worst one here.
18:52Does it?
18:52Yeah, because you're a hypocrite.
18:54You just can't live without your Instagram, can you?
18:57Shut up.
18:58Just shut up.
19:03It's Facebook Marketplace.
19:04Looking for some new cushions.
19:05You should really have that on silent for this kind of work.
19:21Hi, Agnifer, darling.
19:22Hi, Bjorn, darling.
19:24I've written another hit for our group ABBA.
19:26Oh, good.
19:27You'll love it.
19:28It's about what a terrific singer you are, Agnifer.
19:30Oh, that's nice of you.
19:31But shouldn't it be about some unspecific failed relationship, like usual?
19:35No, Agnifer.
19:36It is Agnifer, isn't it?
19:38It's not just Anthea, and I've been saying it wrong.
19:40No, it's Agnifer.
19:41We're Swedish.
19:42That'll be it.
19:43Anyway, I think you're such a lovely singer, I just had to write about it.
19:47It's called Thank You for the Music.
19:49OK.
19:50I'm just concerned that might come across a bit self-congratulatory.
19:53No, I think we'll be all right.
19:54Have a look.
19:57I'm nothing special.
19:58In fact, I'm a what?
20:00It says, I'm a bit of a bore.
20:02Yeah, I know what it says.
20:03It's an English expression for someone who...
20:05I know what it means.
20:06I'm nothing special.
20:08That's the first line.
20:09That's what you want me to say?
20:10Yeah, it'll be funny because it'll come across as self-deprecating.
20:13You know, insight.
20:14But it's not my insight, is it?
20:16It's your insight.
20:17Into me.
20:18Your wife.
20:19Everyone knows you write the songs, Bjorn.
20:22You and Benny, who's married to the other one at the moment, we think.
20:25Difficult to keep up.
20:26Wikipedia isn't very clear.
20:27People are going to know that this is what you're saying about me and then making me sing.
20:32I'm nothing special.
20:33In fact...
20:34Look.
20:34In fact, apparently, in fact, I'm a bit of a...
20:38I mean, nice of you to go with bit of a...
20:40Why not just get it all out of your system and say extremely boring?
20:43Boring bitch.
20:44I'm nothing special.
20:45In fact, I'm a boring bitch.
20:47Just keep reading.
20:48It comes around a bit.
20:49Look, Benny.
20:49Bjorn.
20:50Whatever.
20:50If you want to get divorced now instead of next year when we do, why don't you just say so?
20:54Look, you're not giving it a chance.
20:56It's mostly nice.
20:57Read the chorus.
21:00So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing.
21:04Who am I thanking here, Bjorn?
21:05Am I thanking God for my musical talent?
21:08Or am I just thanking you for the material?
21:10No, I...
21:10Or have both concepts become merged into your Bjorn Godhead?
21:15Thank you, Bjorn, for writing the content for the content I'm performing.
21:19Nobody uses the word content like that, Agnifer.
21:21This is 1976 or 7.
21:25I've had just about enough women's lib for one day.
21:28I'm off to write a musical with Tim Rice about chess.
21:31Oh, yeah?
21:32What are you going to call it?
21:33Well, think of something clever.
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