- 4 months ago
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00:00Hello and welcome to The Weeping Shed, where people bring in their old stuff that reminds them of relations who've passed away.
00:22And then we fix their stuff using oldie worldie craft skills. And then hopefully the people who brought in the stuff get all emotional and do some weeping. It's incredibly wholesome. Sam here is one of our craftspersons. Hi, Sam.
00:36Hi, Benji.
00:37Well, you're the sort of handsome craftsperson in a woolly jumper I wouldn't mind taking home to meet my mum.
00:42I know.
00:43What are you up to, Sam?
00:44I'm repairing this miniature grandfather clock brought into us by Maureen.
00:48Lovely. And did the miniature grandfather clock belong to Maureen's grandfather?
00:52It did, Benji, yes.
00:53And you know my next question.
00:55As far as I'm aware, the grandfather himself was of average height.
00:58Oh, that's a pity. And when she brought it in, was it in a right old flipping state?
01:04Oh, I'm afraid it was, Benji, yeah.
01:06But now you've used all of your wholesome oldie worldie skills to make it all lovely.
01:10Well, I've tried.
01:11Oh, that's likeably modest of you, Sam. I think you've done a great job.
01:16Thanks, Benji. That's really supportive of you. It's nice here, isn't it?
01:20It's very nice here. It's a kind of vision of England that people who voted for Brexit probably imagined they were protecting.
01:27Perhaps. Personally, I would avoid striking that slightly divisive tone, Benji.
01:31That's typically good-looking of you, Sam.
01:33Because this programme is very good at emphasising our shared humanity.
01:37Amen to that. And I use the word amen pointedly because there's something faintly Christo and Songs of Praisey about this whole enterprise, isn't there?
01:45There is. They should put us on an Easter. I think they do.
01:54Email from the Channel 4 lawyer. We can't call Russell Brand that.
01:58What, you mean we can't say he's a...
01:59No, we can't say that.
02:00What can't we say?
02:00It's what you think. We can't say that.
02:02Oh, that. We can't say that. Why not?
02:05Because he might not be. I mean, he denies it. I mean, I think he is, but, you know, that's just me.
02:10Can you not just say that you think he is?
02:12Apparently not.
02:13You can't say what you think?
02:14No. What I'm thinking right now, I must not say.
02:17That would be illegal. That would make me the criminal.
02:20Sorry, I'm not allowed to say it like that.
02:22That would make me the criminal. That would make me a criminal.
02:25And I certainly wouldn't want that.
02:26No, we'd better not mention him, then.
02:28To be fair on the guy, you have to...
02:29Oh, let's be fair on him.
02:31Let's be fair on him.
02:32Let's test some fairness.
02:33Let's be fair on him.
02:34Two wrongs don't make a right.
02:36Not two wrongs. Only one wrong here.
02:38Us being unfair to him, that's the only wrong.
02:41Yeah, one wrong makes a wrong, not two wrongs.
02:43To be fair on the guy, he did get himself baptised in the River Thames.
02:47It's the Thames I feel sorry for.
02:49They did quite a good job of cleaning that up, and then...
02:50I think that's when Thames Water just stopped trying.
02:53Yeah, I heard all the tryouts south of Wallingford just went belly up.
02:56Email from a lawyer.
02:57We can't say that Thames Water stopped trying.
03:00Okay, so we need to be fair to Russell Brand and fair to Thames Water.
03:03We really are on the side of the angels, aren't we?
03:05Wait, how do they know we're saying that?
03:07Are they listening to us?
03:08Not just listening.
03:10They're watching us.
03:11Even in the toilets.
03:14Lawyer again?
03:15We can't say that Channel 4 watches us in the toilets.
03:18Is it weird that that's kind of a comfort to me?
03:19Like, I've always wondered if I'd go to the toilet the same way as everyone else.
03:23Channel 4 says you don't.
03:24Yeah, no, I haven't got round to watching John Wick 4 yet.
03:33Oh, you must.
03:34It's absolutely brilliant.
03:35Was the violence as intense as you'd hoped?
03:37It's off the scale.
03:39There's this brilliant fight scene where John Wick's got to get up these steps to a church,
03:43and he's ambushed by these swarthy Mexican-Arab Russians.
03:46Baddies.
03:47That's racist of you to assume that.
03:49But yes, they are.
03:50The first guy tries to slash John Wick with a machete, but he ducks, punches the guy in
03:55the ribs, and then shoots him in the face point-blank, and the guy sadly passes away.
03:59Just at the moment when John Wick's jumped from behind by a bloke with a massive chain,
04:04John Wick tosses him over his shoulders, splat, onto the ground, bang, shoots his face off,
04:09the chain guy sadly passes away.
04:11Just as a knife slashes at John Wick, he swerves, smashes the knife guy with the massive chain,
04:18shoots his brains out, he sadly passes.
04:20The next guy gets throttled with the chain, but just when he's on the point of sadly passing
04:24away, John Wick grabs his knife and thrusts it deep in the throat of a bloke who's come
04:29literally from nowhere, and now he passes away peacefully on the end of the knife surrounded
04:34by his friends.
04:35Three heavily tattooed Mexican-Arab-Russians who charge firing machine guns, but John Wick's
04:40a better shot.
04:41Bam!
04:42Sadly passes away.
04:43Bam!
04:43Sadly passes over.
04:45Bam!
04:45Sadly no longer with us.
04:46What a wonderful blood bar.
04:48And that's just the first ten seconds of that scene.
04:52Another point, gents.
04:53Thanks.
04:54Ooh, this lobster looks nice.
04:56I caught it this morning out by the bay.
04:58All right.
04:58It's only half an hour since I plunged it alive into boiling water, and it fell asleep on this
05:03day.
05:0312th of June, 2025.
05:08Can you take a picture?
05:10My battery sadly passed away.
05:15Previously, on sweary Aussie drama.
05:18I'm giving the fucking farm to this cunt.
05:21Fuck's sake.
05:22This fucking farm's my fucking farm now.
05:25Piss.
05:26I fucking love you, you stupid fucking bitch.
05:29You fuck.
05:30This is my fucking farm now.
05:34Surprise, it's a fucking prize.
05:36Is this motherfucker my fucking mother or what?
05:39This is my fucking farm now.
05:41You fucking killed the cunt, you dozy fuck.
05:45Which cunt did I kill?
05:47I'd like to say a few fucking words.
05:51She was a dick, and now she's fucked.
05:54Forever fucked.
05:55Here, fucking here.
05:56You fucking right.
05:57Well, fucking sit.
05:58That dead fucker wasn't fucking dead when we thought she was fucking dead, but she's
06:02fucking dead now.
06:03Say what you like about that dead dick.
06:05But she loved this fucking farm.
06:08Her fucking farm.
06:10But since the lazy asshole left no fucking will, the fucking farm reverts to yours fucking
06:16truly.
06:17It's my fucking farm again.
06:19I've found a fucking will.
06:21Fuck.
06:21Fuck.
06:22Fuck's sake.
06:23I've kept this fucking farm together through famine and fucking flood, and I'm fucked up
06:32the twat if I'm going to let some prick steal it up from under my arse.
06:41Sorry, whose fucking farm is it?
06:53And so, Prime Minister, we've utilized the billions of pounds provided to us over the
07:06last decade into understanding not only the cause of climate change, but also what practical
07:11actions we can take to slow and even reverse the effects on our globe.
07:15I give you our fully comprehensive report.
07:23And, uh, what does that top line represent?
07:40It's wanking, sir.
07:42Wanking?
07:43That's right.
07:44After all our extensive research, we found that masturbation accounts for fully 92% of the
07:50negative effects of climate change.
07:51If we can sort that, the planet would essentially be saved.
07:55It's brilliant news.
07:56No, it isn't.
07:57What's brilliant about it?
07:58Well, we've solved the problem.
08:00We don't need to cut down on fossil fuels, flying, eating meat.
08:03We don't even need to do the recycling.
08:05We just stop wanking.
08:07Easy for you to say.
08:08You're not going into an election next year.
08:10What am I supposed to campaign on?
08:12Vote for me and stop masturbating.
08:14It's never been tried before, Prime Minister.
08:16Well, there's a reason it's never been tried before.
08:18The opposition would have a field day.
08:20Or field day, more like.
08:22That is not helping.
08:24Look, you don't need to ban wanking.
08:26You just put a tax on it.
08:28A tax on emissions.
08:29Are you really a scientist?
08:31Look, say 2,000 pounds per wank.
08:33I'm not paying that.
08:34We can scarcely get them to cough up 170 quid for a TV license.
08:38And that's thousands of hours of entertainment.
08:40You're expecting them to pay 2,000 pounds, and they have to do it themselves.
08:45Look, Prime Minister, we can avoid making it a party political matter.
08:49We find a cross-party consensus and put it to the people in the form of a referendum.
08:53Yes, a straightforward choice.
08:55The world as we know it is going to end unless we cut out aeroplanes, fossil fuels, cars,
09:00plastic, everything.
09:02Or stop wanking.
09:05Right.
09:06So the referendum question would be wanking or everything else?
09:11Yes.
09:12Wanking or civilisation as we know it.
09:14Right.
09:16Well, I think we can trust in the good sense of the British public to give us the answer
09:19we need.
09:27Turns out there are just some questions that shouldn't be decided in a referendum.
09:33Hey, I'll try blowing on it.
09:35You do it.
09:36I'm off for a wank.
09:47Mr. Wendell?
09:48Yes?
09:48Mr. Arnold Wendell?
09:50That's me.
09:51Hi, I'm from Jig Jag.
09:52You know, the trainer brand.
09:53I do.
09:54I wear Jig Jag trainers.
09:55Indeed.
09:56I see you're wearing the ones that you bought from us yesterday.
09:58Uh, yeah.
09:59We want them back.
10:00What?
10:01Yes, we've had a look at your socials, and unfortunately, some of your views don't
10:05accord with our values.
10:07What views?
10:08Oh, I can't say.
10:08But rest assured, it's bad.
10:10We can't have you walking around in our trainers.
10:12Take them off.
10:13No, they're mine.
10:15I've brought you a partial cash refund.
10:17It's not a full refund.
10:18You understand, because that would mean that we're endorsing your disgusting views.
10:22Now, take those shoes off.
10:23If anyone sees you in them, our brand is toast.
10:26Well, this is outrageous.
10:29I'm entitled to my views.
10:31Yes, you are entitled to your views, but you're not entitled to associate them with our brand,
10:35thus jeopardizing the hard work done by thousands of Chinese children every day.
10:40Oh, for Christ's sake.
10:41All I said was...
10:42And this is where you come in.
10:45What do you think was Arnold's unacceptable view?
10:48Of course, we have our own ideas, but they may not accord with your ideas.
10:52And the last thing we would want is to disrupt the revenue stream that you represent.
10:56For example, the character of Arnold might have made a joke that was very homophobic.
11:01Or a joke that belittled homophobic people.
11:04Who are a minority, after all.
11:06Or, obviously, it might have been something much, much worse than either of those things.
11:11Something from, you know, one of those subject areas.
11:15Yeah.
11:16Are you all thinking about those two or three subject areas?
11:20The ones that make you go, oh, my God, you can't say anything anymore.
11:23No, it's got to the point where you can't.
11:24I can't believe you're saying that.
11:28So just imagine that we've done whichever of those things is your one.
11:32And pretend that we've gone there in precisely the way that you would hope.
11:37Bearing in mind that we didn't, and we never will.
11:39But we did have a little go at Chinese labor practices, which was perhaps worth saying 15 years ago.
11:45Of course, these days, it's the least of our fucking problems.
11:49Anyway, on with the sketch.
11:51Oh, we finished.
11:52Oh, yes, we pretty much finished, hadn't we?
11:54Bye.
11:55Bye.
12:00And then he just took the phone out of my hand and he rode away on his bike.
12:03I tried to chase him, but I couldn't.
12:07I was just so scared.
12:09I'm sorry.
12:12That's OK.
12:13We both appreciate this must have been a very distressing experience.
12:16But the more information we can get, the better.
12:18Yeah, of course, of course.
12:19Of course.
12:21Now, you say the assailant threatened you with a knife?
12:23Yes, that's correct.
12:25And how long was the blade?
12:26I don't know that.
12:28I don't know.
12:29Well, for reference, was it shorter or longer than this pen?
12:32Oh, longer.
12:34Definitely longer.
12:35Like, a pen and a half.
12:36OK, that's good.
12:38A pen and a half.
12:39Brilliant.
12:39And the subject was tall.
12:41Can you recall how tall exactly?
12:43I don't know.
12:44It was all just such a blur.
12:46I got blurry.
12:47The more precise you can be, the more likely we are to find him.
12:50Of course.
12:52Um, uh, 15 pens.
12:5415 pens?
12:56Yeah.
12:5615, maybe 16 pens.
12:5816 pens.
13:01Um, now, the bike he left the scene on, did that have any distinguishing features?
13:05Uh, not that I can remember.
13:07It was just, like, normal, I guess.
13:08Something like 12 pens by 6 pens.
13:11Something like that.
13:12You're doing really well.
13:14Right.
13:14Let's get you a cup of tea.
13:16Shall we?
13:18Now, I understand you've had a very stressful day, but we need to paint as clear a picture
13:24as possible.
13:24Does that make sense?
13:25Absolutely, yes.
13:26Good.
13:27So let's start at the beginning, all right?
13:29What were you doing before the incident occurred?
13:31So I had just left work, and I went to the pub around the corner.
13:35Okay.
13:36And it's not very far.
13:37It was, like, 3,000 pens.
13:39Right.
13:40I'll just put around the corner.
13:41And, yeah, I guess I had a few drinks.
13:44How many is a few?
13:45Uh, pens.
13:46I don't know.
13:46Why don't we just...
13:47And then I had a pizza.
13:49Well, that would have been...
13:50Do you want that in circumference or diameter?
13:53Circumference is fine, love.
13:54It was, uh, maybe five or six, possibly.
14:01Why don't we forget about this, okay?
14:02And let's just focus on the phone, all right?
14:04We all know what a phone is.
14:06That's a given.
14:06We don't need a reference for that.
14:08No, no.
14:09But what we do need to know is if there was anything unique about it.
14:11Um, it was fairly new.
14:15Great.
14:15So I'd say you could get quite a bit for it.
14:18Could you guess how much?
14:21800 pens.
14:22800 pens.
14:23It's all right, Mrs. Moneybags.
14:25No more pens.
14:26Look, I'm sorry about what happened to you,
14:28but if you can't provide any useful information,
14:31then there's nothing we can do to help solve this case.
14:34Cusover Marsh, would you kindly see this woman out?
14:37Well, if it helps,
14:40he had a scar on his face.
14:42About the size of her.
14:43Get out.
14:43Bye.
14:45It's day 20,
14:58and the middle-aged men have just been told
14:59they're going to be joined by a middle-aged woman.
15:02...joined by a middle-aged woman.
15:03She's got a name?
15:05Oh, yeah.
15:07No, just meant, what is her name?
15:10I knew she'd have one.
15:11Oh, Janet.
15:15She sounds like hard work.
15:17What are we going to talk about?
15:19We'll just ask about her journey.
15:22What, you mean her path through the tribulations of life so far?
15:25Fuck no.
15:26No!
15:27I mean, how she got here?
15:29What, Rhodes?
15:30Oh, right, yeah, good.
15:32Yeah.
15:32So she's coming tomorrow.
15:33What's that?
15:34That's...
15:35That's a Thursday.
15:36That's not a deal, is it?
15:38I mean, it's not a Friday.
15:39No, no, no.
15:39It's not exactly a Tuesday.
15:41Nah.
15:42It's a Thursday.
15:45To be fair, though,
15:47I will say,
15:48the traffic in Scotland,
15:49the part of it that I've seen,
15:50has been remarkably light.
15:51And I don't mean that in a nasty way.
15:53No, no, of course not.
15:54No, it's just a question of...
15:55population density, isn't it?
15:56And as you say, virtually nobody lives here.
15:58I was straight through from the Invinas Airport.
16:00No customs, obviously, just rolled through.
16:03And I've laid on a tour,
16:04and we're straight on the A-9-6.
16:06No hold-ups.
16:08Do you not get held at the temporary light
16:10near Strathcarran?
16:11You're right, I forgot about that.
16:12But that was just two minutes.
16:13They had the road up,
16:14they were installing some sort of fibre-octic cables.
16:17Nah, yeah, there's a lot of that.
16:18Apart from that, clear round.
16:19I've got prostate cancer.
16:35Sorry to hear that, Steve.
16:40Maybe that's something you could...
16:42talk to Janet about.
16:44Yeah, yeah.
16:51Right, so I just might...
16:54Yeah, me too.
16:59I think that's one of the curable ones.
17:04If they've caught it early.
17:18Well, it looks like we've finished writing the show.
17:20We're almost there.
17:22I don't think so.
17:22We're not done yet.
17:23Not by a long chalk.
17:24A long what?
17:25Chalk.
17:26A long chalk.
17:26It's an expression.
17:27What does it mean?
17:28Not yet.
17:29Nowhere near.
17:31Chalk?
17:32A long chalk?
17:33By a long chalk?
17:34Yes, by a long chalk.
17:35As in beside a long chalk?
17:37No, not as in beside.
17:38By a long chalk.
17:40Now, I'm making it sound weird.
17:41By a long chalk.
17:42As opposed to a medium-sized chalk, I suppose.
17:47Chalk?
17:47Oh, fuck off.
17:48People say it all the time.
17:50Like on EastEnders, Cathy would say,
17:52we're not finished talking about this, Pete.
17:53Not by a long chalk.
17:54Oh, I haven't watched EastEnders.
17:56You don't have to watch EastEnders.
17:57It's not an EastEnders thing.
17:59What does Pete say?
18:00What?
18:00Cathy's saying that Pete's chalk is not long enough.
18:04Does Pete need to get a new chalk?
18:05Like a bigger chalk.
18:07It's not a real chalk.
18:08Oh, it's his penis.
18:09Is this Pete Beale?
18:11I haven't watched since Angie, but didn't he die?
18:13Did Pete Beale die of some penis disease?
18:15Because he was eating the chalk.
18:17No, I think the chalk is his fatal penis.
18:20No, it's not a penis.
18:22It's real chalk.
18:23It's from when scripts were written on all these little slates with chalk,
18:26and they used loads, so they needed really long chalk.
18:29Long chalk?
18:31Are you sure?
18:31Yeah, well, they wouldn't have said,
18:33and not by a long chalk back then.
18:35It would have been,
18:35lo, I write at scene four as the last wisps of moonlight escape my grasp,
18:40and I put my slate next to my bedchamber door
18:42in the knowledge that my masterpiece is not yet complete,
18:45not by a long chalk.
18:47Oh, wow.
18:48That's really beautiful.
18:49Yeah.
18:50And now we just say, and not by a long chalk.
18:52That's right, isn't it, Rob?
18:54Yeah.
18:54Yeah, that's right.
18:55Is this the way to the pool?
19:03Yeah, just for that.
19:12I don't think that works.
19:14No.
19:15You know that's the producer.
19:16Yeah.
19:17Look, we all knew we needed something.
19:19We couldn't end on the chalk discussion,
19:21so you type something a bit mad, a bit visual.
19:24You know, let's mix it up a bit.
19:25Can't all be people just talking and talking and talking.
19:29What would Python do?
19:29Let's try something a bit wacky.
19:31And before you know it,
19:32you're watching a man you've worked with since the late 90s
19:35undress in the production office.
19:37Oh, my God.
19:38Because apparently there isn't budget for an actor to do it.
19:41It's different, isn't it?
19:42A man walks through in swimming trunks.
19:44That could be a funny visual.
19:45But watching someone you know well
19:46who is not a professional performer,
19:48watching him finish a difficult call
19:50with the commissioning editor
19:51and then start taking his socks off by his desk,
19:55that changes things.
19:57Yeah.
19:57You just think,
19:58it doesn't matter that much.
20:00There's no need for that.
20:02Let's just let the item fizzle out and...
20:05Stop.
20:28Haven't you got lovely fingers, Sam?
20:30Thanks.
20:32Welcome back to The Weeping Shed.
20:34And if you've just joined us,
20:35Sam is repairing this miniature grandfather clock
20:37which belonged to Maureen's grandfather
20:39who was heitotypical
20:40and is now sadly no longer with us or her.
20:43I think Maureen was hoping
20:45that by fixing her grandfather's miniature grandfather clock
20:48that I would in some way
20:49be bringing her grandfather back to life.
20:51That's a pleasing abstraction.
20:52But of course, in a literal sense,
20:54it's nonsense, isn't it?
20:55Yes, it's nonsense.
20:56I repair clocks, not brain damage.
20:58Copy that.
20:59Of course, the whole area of grief and death
21:01is so upsetting
21:02that people quite understandably
21:03try to comfort themselves by talking shit, don't they?
21:06Well, this is it.
21:07So when Maureen comes back later
21:09and says something along the lines of
21:10it's like you've brought my grandfather back to life,
21:13we should be alert to the metaphorical content
21:15of that statement
21:16and not start worrying
21:17that the poor woman can't tell the difference
21:19between a carpenter and a necromancer.
21:21That's right, Benji.
21:22I am very much just a carpenter.
21:24Well, hang on there with the just there, Sam.
21:27Jesus was a carpenter, wasn't he?
21:28Well, according to two of the four New Testament Gospels, yeah.
21:32In fact, come to think of it,
21:33if you believe the story of Lazarus,
21:35Jesus was both a carpenter and a necromancer.
21:38He really is the ideal person for this program, isn't he?
21:40Jesus should be doing my job.
21:42Well, I'm not going to argue with that, Sam,
21:44but if we can't have Jesus,
21:46then I think you're the next best thing.
21:51That's very nice.
21:51Let's see how Kathy's getting on with that gramophone.
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