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00:03Here's the thing, Papadakis.
00:05If I squint at you from a distance, I can almost see a soldier.
00:10What I'm wondering right now is, what are you dressed like?
00:14Can you be more specific, sir?
00:16Like?
00:18Like Shrek.
00:19No, I bought this costume at a Halloween store.
00:21This is Angry Green Swamp Ogre.
00:24Colonel, the troops have chosen to watch Shrek for the 17th straight movie night.
00:28I am dressed as an Angry Green Swamp Ogre.
00:31Now, if someone were to dress as Shrek, maybe they would do so,
00:33because the film is a cultural touchstone for an entire generation.
00:38Get your feet off my desk.
00:41Officially, as of now, Major, Shrek is banned on this base.
00:45Confirmed, sir.
00:46Fine. Guess we can watch Shrek 2.
00:48Shrek 2 is banned. Shrek 3, banned.
00:50What?
00:50Is there a Shrek 4? Because it's banned.
00:52Forever After.
00:53What?
00:53Shrek 4. It's called Shrek Forever After.
00:56Well, not on this base.
00:57Hey! Come on now! Does the Constitution even allow that?
01:00Okay. Bye-bye.
01:01Dismissed. Great.
01:03Ready for the next meeting?
01:05Yeah, sure. What is it?
01:06Specialist Gideon is dressed as a giant donkey.
01:29Why are you trying to impress her? She's just a Canadian NATO general.
01:32General Martin is coming here on my invitation. You understand that, right?
01:35And that her last three mentees are all lieutenant generals now?
01:39Okay, relax. What do you have in that love me folder? It's insane.
01:44Most soldiers put in their resume. Do you have your kindergarten artwork or something in there?
01:48It doesn't go back that far. It starts at, like, middle school.
01:50Dad, I would appreciate it if you were on your best behavior, you know? No, like, Canada jokes or anything
01:56stupid.
01:57Have I made a Canada joke yet?
01:58They are an important strategic partner.
02:00Okay. Here she comes. What's she going to teach you? How to say sorry?
02:04Just said stop.
02:05Well, maybe she'll introduce you to Santa Claus if you're lucky.
02:08Shut up!
02:08Hello? General Martin.
02:11Well, hello, NATO.
02:13You must be the famous Quinns. The rumors are true. I could smell your base's cheese a half a click
02:18out.
02:18General Martin, it is an honor. Canada is, of course, one of our most important strategic partners.
02:25We are big fans of Canada.
02:27Welcome. Can I get you coffee or tea?
02:29Caffeine's for the unmotivated. I'd like a tour.
02:37This is our urban training site with state-of-the-art equipment to condition our troops for any situation.
02:43Mock buildings for forced entry exercises, a rock wall for terrain skill development.
02:48And this is our picnic table for people to have lunch.
02:52What is that, a sandwich? Yum.
02:55This whole place here was a useless bowling alley until I turned it around.
02:59This was your influence?
03:01Oh, yeah.
03:01Impressive.
03:02Thank you, General. Thank you.
03:03General, would you care to see the most advanced armed forces laundry operation in all of Europe?
03:07I'm sure it's not advanced enough to deal with my dirty laundry.
03:12Your reputation for risque humor precedes you, ma'am.
03:15Well, there's not a lot of finishing schools in Saskatoon.
03:19You will be proud to know, Colonel, that we use your training methods on NATO troops.
03:23Oh, really?
03:24Well, I'm very, very honored to hear that, General.
03:27I would like to hear more about that.
03:29And I also hear you have something to do with the NATO professional development program.
03:33It's a fine program.
03:34Not as fine as this facility, though, I have to say.
03:37You know, we could use an upgrade like this at the NATO shape base in Mons.
03:41We mostly have glowing maps in conference rooms.
03:44And look, it's all fun and war games, but how can you train soldiers if you've forgotten how it feels
03:48to hold a rifle in your hand?
03:50Yes, General.
03:51And you know what?
03:52I still have my Glock knuckle.
03:55Oh, please don't.
03:55Thirty-five years ago.
03:56I love a Glock house.
03:57You know?
03:58Oh, that's a big one.
03:59It is.
03:59I have one, too.
04:00You do?
04:01General, I would love to come to your base and help assess the situation and perhaps continue our conversation about
04:09that professional development.
04:11Captain, your letter got my attention.
04:12And it brought me to this base, so I would love to host you at mine.
04:16Awesome.
04:16Mm-hmm.
04:18And Colonel Quinn as well?
04:19I would love to see those conference rooms.
04:22Well, they're great for one-on-one meetings.
04:24I'd love to have a one-on-one.
04:25Me, too.
04:26Can I see your calisthen?
04:27Yeah, yeah.
04:30Hey, hey.
04:31That just hurt.
04:32Is it true?
04:32You guys are really banned in Shrek.
04:34Yeah, the Colonel banned the movie.
04:36Okay, yeah, but it's not like a real order, right?
04:38It's like one of his silly orders, like when he told us that we can say bless you after sneezing
04:42anymore because it was superstitious nonsense.
04:44Orders are orders, no Shrek.
04:46You are too old to understand how much this movie means to our younger enlisted soldiers.
04:52It's just a cartoon about a fat Grinch.
04:54I assume.
04:55I've only seen the poster.
04:56You don't get it.
04:57As kids, these soldiers saw Shrek as this down-to-earth outsider.
05:02It means something to them.
05:03You know what means something to me?
05:05Following a chain of command.
05:07Bless you.
05:07No.
05:08Don't say it.
05:15Hey.
05:15Hey.
05:16So can you review these talking points that I wrote up for our trip to NATO?
05:20Where are you going?
05:21I was going to pop over and see General Martin and make sure she knows where the defect is.
05:26Mm-hmm.
05:26In that blazer?
05:28This is my lucky blazer.
05:29It's your lucky blazer.
05:31It's not my fault that I'm five for five in this.
05:33It's just a nice day.
05:34Oh, blah!
05:34Don't sleep with General Martin, please.
05:36Why?
05:36I really don't want things to get messy, okay?
05:38The program's so important to me.
05:38Why would it get messy?
05:39This is what you do.
05:41You'll sleep with a woman and then come up with some excuse, like a fake phone call that
05:46you have to go save America, and then they're left there alone and hurt.
05:49It's a pattern that you have.
05:50It's not a pattern.
05:51It's a lifestyle choice.
05:52I fought in two wars and defend this country so that all Americans have the right to do whatever
05:57they want, including wear whatever jacket they want, to say hello to somebody
05:59and walk them over to the DFAC.
06:02All right, all right.
06:04I won't make my move until you make your move.
06:06Yes, thank you for your sacrifice.
06:08It is a sacrifice.
06:18Hey, what's up?
06:19I forgot where the dining hall is.
06:21Oh, it's just across the lawn there, if you want me to...
06:24That sounds far.
06:25You'd use a drink to tide me over.
06:26Oh.
06:28Hey.
06:31Nice place.
06:33It's your place.
06:34I know.
06:34Sometimes I just forget and I re-admire it.
06:36That's General Patton's gun.
06:39Ooh.
06:39Yeah.
06:40Impressive.
06:41Yeah.
06:45I've been sitting all day.
06:46I think it's going to be like a standing evening, because I've just been...
06:51Yeah, I was sitting all day.
06:53Pretty tight.
06:54What's going on here?
06:56What do you mean?
06:56I mean, it's clear we have a natural attraction to each other, right?
06:59Yeah.
06:59I mean, why retreat from it?
07:00It's perfect.
07:01We're not in the same chain of command.
07:03We're not even in the same army.
07:05I know.
07:05The thing is, my daughter...
07:08Mm.
07:08...she thinks that my personal life gets messy and she doesn't want me to get messy with you.
07:13Oh, I'm counting on it.
07:14Oh.
07:14So, get over here, peel off my sex blazer, and we'll see if you have the fortitude to
07:20invade Canada.
07:21Oh!
07:22Oh!
07:23Wow.
07:23Hey!
07:25Now, I know some of you are upset about recent programming changes.
07:29I told you not to play with Shrek.
07:31Okay, since Shrek is your favorite childhood movie, I found the perfect substitute.
07:36What is that?
07:37A giant vape?
07:38It's not a vape.
07:39This is a VHS, and it contains a recording of my favorite childhood movie, The NeverEnding
07:45Story.
07:46Enjoy!
07:49Give it a shot.
07:50Just give it a chance, okay?
07:55They hate this.
07:56Wait, our horse dies in this?
07:58We want Shrek.
07:59Hey, dude.
08:00Be cool.
08:01Dude?
08:02It's Major.
08:03Sorry.
08:04Dude.
08:05Major.
08:06Listen, why don't you take a walk?
08:08Let us watch The Star is Born.
08:11Okay, this is just a DVD of Shrek.
08:13Prove it.
08:14Put it in.
08:15You know what?
08:15No.
08:16No, we're not watching Shrek.
08:18That is an order.
08:19Great.
08:20Enjoy your flying dog, creep.
08:23I'm leaving.
08:26Okay, he's a luck dragon, and he's really cute and charming.
08:30It was ahead of its time!
08:32Oh, my God.
08:33What happened to Canadians being polite?
08:35It's a high-altitude training perk.
08:37I need very little oxygen.
08:38I was getting a little worried, you know?
08:41What?
08:41What's that scar?
08:42Oh, ISIS terrorist.
08:44He was inside of a building, so I smashed through a window, grabbed him, pulled him right out.
08:47Oh, that's cool.
08:49I mean, you know.
08:51Oh, my God.
08:53What's that from?
08:54Bar fight.
08:55Moose jaw.
08:56I won.
08:57It's so much bigger than mine.
09:00I know.
09:02It's so much bigger than mine.
09:07Oh, boy.
09:08I...
09:09Man.
09:09Aw.
09:10Looks like I gotta save Canada.
09:13What?
09:14I can't believe you said that.
09:16What?
09:16That's my move.
09:17That's what I was just about to say.
09:19I swear to God.
09:20Well, you said you didn't want things to get messy, so...
09:22No, this is perfect.
09:23This means it could just be a mutual transmission of fluids.
09:26Mmm.
09:27And, you know, respect.
09:28Obviously.
09:29Hopefully not too much respect.
09:37Good morning, Megs.
09:39Oh, my God.
09:40What?
09:41You slept with General Martin.
09:42No, I didn't.
09:43What are you talking about?
09:44What?
09:44You never say good morning, Megs.
09:46You potentially destroyed my chances at the NATO Professional Development Program after
09:50you said, I won't make things messy.
09:52It's not messy.
09:53It's so cool.
09:54She's the female version of me.
09:55She actually even used my move on me after we, you know, we're done having, you know,
10:00relations.
10:01Stop.
10:01She picked up her phone and she was like, oh, I gotta go save Canada.
10:04I was like, really?
10:05From what?
10:05The Yetis?
10:06Let's say that she doesn't hate your guts yet.
10:08She doesn't.
10:09She loves many parts of me.
10:11Okay.
10:11Stop.
10:12New plan.
10:13You are just gonna give her this.
10:15You're gonna talk me up and you are gonna help secure me this mentorship.
10:19Okay?
10:21This is so heavy.
10:23It's seven pounds.
10:24Like, I'm begging you to just edit.
10:26Go!
10:26So I can go wash my brain.
10:32Thanks for coming to my neck.
10:35I just couldn't turn down the chance to have sex on a war table.
10:39Next time, instead of doing it on Canada, can we do it on Russia?
10:42Because I feel like if we do it long enough, Putin might actually find out.
10:45Oh, he'll find out.
10:47All right.
10:47Well, I gotta go.
10:48And don't worry.
10:49I'm not saving Canada this time.
10:51If anything, I'm putting her in more danger.
10:54Hey, I was thinking, you know, like you and my daughter should get to know each other better.
10:58She's a great girl.
10:59She's really interesting.
11:00She's wicked smart.
11:00She's an impressive officer.
11:02You should be very proud.
11:03I'm so proud.
11:03And I actually told her that once under oath.
11:05So I was just thinking that we could grab dinner and get to know each other.
11:12There's an Italian place nearby.
11:13They do a family-style thing.
11:14It's great.
11:15I thought maybe...
11:16I don't do family-style.
11:17But they can do individual plates.
11:19It's no big thing.
11:21Anyways, she gave me this, which is a folder summing up her career and her ideas about
11:26the future of...
11:26Oh, my God.
11:27I know.
11:28What the hell is that?
11:29She has an oddly-shaped head, and it took us a while to figure out what haircut worked
11:32for her, and that was not one of the ones that worked.
11:35But anyways, so it's all in here.
11:37You can just get to...
11:39Where are you going?
11:40Call my office.
11:42Okay, well, we're still on for tomorrow, right?
11:43I'm sure it'll work out.
11:50And ho!
11:53Why are soldiers in the DFAC eating raw onions like an apple?
11:58Because it's Shrek's favorite food, sir.
12:00Also a representation of these many layers.
12:03I am following orders, and so should you.
12:07You know who else was just following orders?
12:11Lord Farquaad's knights.
12:13Lord Farquaad is a nemesis.
12:15No, I got it from Context Clues.
12:17Thank you so much.
12:17This is Ending Now, and no more playing All-Star by Smash Mouth.
12:21Terrible song.
12:22Hey, now.
12:22It's a classic.
12:28What have you done?
12:32Greening our sheets!
12:34You've just been assigned a latrine duty.
12:36Oh, you can silence me.
12:39But good luck silencing the insurrection.
12:57Oh, you've been waiting a long time.
13:01Oh, she is a general.
13:03And everything went okay yesterday?
13:04Great.
13:05You gave her my folder?
13:06Yes, I showed her the folder.
13:10You showed her the folder?
13:11Yeah.
13:13Did she read the folder?
13:14No, she didn't have to.
13:15Like, that's the thing.
13:16She's obviously, like I said, she's so into me.
13:19General Martin can't give the tour after all.
13:22She's been pulled into an important meeting.
13:24Oh, okay.
13:25Of course.
13:26Thank you, ma'am.
13:27Got it.
13:29You said that she was very into you.
13:31She is into me.
13:31Oh, then why is she blowing you off?
13:33Women don't blow me off, honey.
13:35Okay, well, you get pulled into an important last-minute meeting all the time.
13:39And when you're doing that, what does that mean?
13:42I'm blowing them off.
13:43Come on.
13:44Where?
13:44Let's go.
13:44Come back.
13:45Come on.
13:46Let's go.
13:46Dad, stop.
13:48Dad, stop.
13:49Stop.
13:50What the hell's going on here?
13:53What?
13:53What the?
13:54Oh, my God.
13:55This is your big meeting?
13:56You're re-gripping your hockey stick?
13:58Unbelievable.
13:59It's called a Canadian breakup.
14:00It's as direct as we can be.
14:01You're breaking up with me?
14:02That's a laugh.
14:04This means war.
14:06Look, I'm sorry.
14:07Oh, you're sorry.
14:08Oh, you're going to be very sorry.
14:09You know what?
14:09I'd like to challenge you to one of these little war games that you supposedly run here in this toothless
14:13little dollhouse.
14:13He's very passionate.
14:14Perhaps that is not the best idea, considering Canada is one of our most important strategic partners.
14:20Most important strategic partners are a bunch of syrup-sucking-puck-making losers.
14:24No.
14:24You haven't won the Stanley Cup with a Canadian team since 1993.
14:28How dare you bring up my country's greatest shame?
14:31Fine.
14:32War it is.
14:33You pick any country on the map, and I will use that country to crush NATO.
14:37Bhutan.
14:38Bhutan it is.
14:39I love Bhutan.
14:40Yeah, here we go.
14:41Bhutan.
14:41I'm Captain Bhutan.
14:43Dad, Bhutan is a pacifist country with a million Buddhists.
14:47I'm going to war with a bunch of...
14:49Buddhists.
14:50Hmm.
14:51Um, okay, I'm going to double that bet.
14:53Bhutan wins, which it will because I'm running it.
14:55My daughter gets the professional mentorship thing.
14:57How about that?
14:58Okay, well, you have a lot of confidence or no faith in your daughter.
15:01Let's find out which one.
15:02I'm very confident.
15:03That's which one it is, okay?
15:05Yeah.
15:05Okay.
15:05Let's go.
15:06You think you're cool?
15:09It's pretty hot.
15:10Dad.
15:11Okay.
15:11Sure.
15:11Okay.
15:12All right.
15:15This war table is connected to an AI program that immediately assesses any geopolitical consequences
15:21by military actions.
15:22I remember when nuclear war was still done by human hands pushing big red buttons.
15:27Okay, let's begin.
15:28Hmm.
15:29Um, my entire professional future is now tied to this war game, so you're sure you can beat her?
15:35100% sure.
15:36Great.
15:36There's no question in my mind.
15:37All right.
15:37Just show me where, uh, Bhutan is.
15:40New Mexico?
15:42Bhutan is here on the China-India border.
15:44All right.
15:46Okay.
15:47You, uh, ready to lock in?
15:48No, I'm locked in.
15:49Okay.
15:49You think I got banned from three Tribune nights without locking in?
15:52Okay.
15:58What is happening here?
16:00Okay, what is wrong with you all?
16:01Get back to work.
16:02Clean this up.
16:03That's an order.
16:04It's a total revolt, sir.
16:05I cannot believe that Papadakis inspired a rebellion over a stupid cartoon.
16:10This is a mutiny.
16:11It's a very stupid mutiny.
16:14We here at the Indochina-Bhutanese Alliance respond with a drone squadron in the mountainous
16:20region and artillery at the northern border.
16:24Now we're at a stalemate.
16:25Not exactly, because while you were digging trenches, I was training the Bhutanese Liberation
16:31Front in the Himalayan Caves.
16:33You're leading an army of Buddhist guerrillas.
16:36Yeah.
16:37We call it karma.
16:38And you know, the BLF advantage is that we only live in the moment.
16:41That and the nuclear weapons that we have smuggled into half a dozen Eastern European cities.
16:47That's a highly unusual move.
16:48Yeah, but you can only push Buddhists so far, right?
16:52Get ready to be reincarnated.
16:54Can I talk to you privately for a moment?
16:56Mm-hmm.
16:57Um, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think this is a little aggressive, don't you?
17:00No.
17:01Yeah?
17:01No, I would rather trigger nuclear winter than lose my mentorship because I played it too
17:05safe.
17:06Trust me.
17:06Okay.
17:08Woo!
17:09Your turn.
17:13Papadakis, this is out of control.
17:15You gotta call it off.
17:16You know, Major, I was never asking for slack.
17:20I was only asking for Shrek.
17:22I wish it was that easy.
17:24It is that easy.
17:24The base has Shrek on, like, DVD, Blu-ray, audiobook, even that weird big vape.
17:28It's called a VHS, and it is the colonel's order.
17:31He isn't here.
17:32It's your order now.
17:36Conway, you volunteered for latrine duty?
17:38I'm finally serving a cause.
17:39I can't believe it.
17:41He told us to act like soldiers.
17:43Only question now is, what kind of soldier are you?
17:48Is that a line from Shrek?
17:49Only one way to find out.
17:52NATO forces invade the BLF, the Bulgarian Terror Cell.
17:57That is too bad, because we were never there.
18:01We were in North Macedonia the whole time.
18:05North Macedonia.
18:06North Macedonia.
18:07One of NATO's newest members.
18:08But they agreed to house us in exchange for a nuclear weapon,
18:11which is the reward that we offer for any country willing to join the Indochina-Butanese alliance.
18:19Oh my God.
18:21And then the Eastern Bloc will join you, and the NATO alliance is permanently broken.
18:26Just kidding, just kidding.
18:28Wow.
18:29Crazy impressive, right?
18:31See, I told you, that's why you should have had that family-style dinner with the three of us.
18:34Sorry, did you invite a woman that you barely know to a family-style dinner?
18:38Yeah, I mean...
18:39Well, that's insane.
18:40I'm insane.
18:41You're the Putinese bin Laden.
18:43I mean, no wonder she blew us off.
18:44That's not why she blew me off.
18:45Oh, yes it is.
18:46No, it freaked me out.
18:47I thought you were going to propose going on a Disney cruise as a family next.
18:51Oh, hang on a second.
18:53Child 911.
18:55Look, he is not invested in family at all,
18:58but he did raise a daughter who knows her way around a war game,
19:01which I think I just won.
19:04So, about that...
19:05Captain, I can't in good conscience let a maniac like you out on the street without my guidance.
19:12Therefore, the mentorship is yours.
19:13Congratulations.
19:14Thank you, ma'am.
19:15Thank you so much.
19:16You're welcome.
19:16So, looks like Sha overrode my Shrek band on the base,
19:20and he says we have to show the film tonight because it has generational importance.
19:23Shrek, I love Shrek.
19:25Mike Myers, he's our guy.
19:26He's our Canada guy.
19:27Can I come and see it?
19:29I haven't seen it in a while.
19:29Sure, I'll just tell Sha to save us a couple seats.
19:32I'm so excited.
19:32Yeah?
19:33Oh, that's great.
19:34Great.
19:36Wow.
19:36You're going to watch Shrek?
19:37Yeah, if she's watching it, I'll watch it.
19:39Okay.
19:40It's, uh, it's...
19:41What is he?
19:41He's a giant fat frog, right?
19:43Mm-hmm.
19:48You made the right choice, Sha.
19:49I'm glad we didn't have to kill you.
19:51You know, I always wanted to date somebody that was basically the female version of me.
19:56Hey, can I touch your callus again?
19:59Oh, yeah.
19:59Go ahead.
20:07Last and final offer, Colonel.
20:09I'll agree to one shared holiday.
20:11I'll give you Boxing Day.
20:12Any 24-hour rendezvous can turn into a 48-hour rendezvous.
20:16But at that point, the clock resets, and it's a mutually agreed-upon 72-hour cooling-off period.
20:21Fine.
20:22Okay.
20:22Terms of endearment, I will accept.
20:24Special someone, main squeeze, gal pal.
20:27I'm never going to say gal pal.
20:28Done.
20:30All right.
20:31Lock the doors.
20:32Let's test the bounds of this agreement.
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