- 2 months ago
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00:00:01Lovely. And who's the request for?
00:00:03My husband, Kevin.
00:00:04What would you like to say to him, love?
00:00:05Well, just sort of tell him that I love him
00:00:07and I can't wait for the day when he comes home.
00:00:09Ah, and how long is he going to be away?
00:00:11About two years.
00:00:12Terrific.
00:00:13So, if you're listening, Kevin, wherever you are, whatever you're doing,
00:00:15have a nice day and this record's just for you.
00:00:19No, I can't forget.
00:00:23Excuse me. Hey.
00:00:25Can I catch a lift?
00:00:26Oh, well, no, it should be not.
00:00:28Beal, I've just been posted here.
00:00:30Oh!
00:00:31A brother officer.
00:00:33Yes, of course.
00:00:34Save me the cad fare.
00:00:35Ah, well, I'd, er...
00:00:37I'd still claim for it, though.
00:00:55What's Lado in for?
00:00:58Well, it's, er...
00:00:59It's better not to ask, you know.
00:01:01In my experience, if you know what a man's done,
00:01:03it may prejudice you against him.
00:01:05Best to start, Clee.
00:01:07Benefit of the doubt.
00:01:08Find out what he is, not what he was.
00:01:13What you in for, son?
00:01:14Two years.
00:01:15I didn't mean time.
00:01:16I meant offence.
00:01:17None taken.
00:01:20Know his sort, don't we?
00:01:22See if he's still smiling at the end of next week.
00:01:28It's a bit bleak up here this time of the year, but...
00:01:31in the summer there are some lovely views.
00:01:36Where's the nearest town?
00:01:38Oh, there isn't one.
00:01:39Hm.
00:01:40There's something to say.
00:01:42You're as much prisoners as we are.
00:01:45Well, I can't forget this evening
00:01:51Your faces you were leaving
00:01:54But I guess that's just the way the story goes
00:02:01You always smile, but in your eyes
00:02:04Your eyes your sorrow show
00:02:07Yes, we each other knows
00:02:16I can't live
00:02:19I can't live
00:02:20I can't live without you
00:02:22I can't live
00:02:25I can't live
00:02:27I can't live
00:02:28I can't live
00:02:29I can't live
00:02:31One bunch of keys
00:02:32One diary tartan cover
00:02:34One roll of cellar tape
00:02:36One return portion ticket
00:02:37Cobb and Garden Tawanga
00:02:39That's one journey you weren't making for a while
00:02:41Ring?
00:02:44That's my wedding ring
00:02:45Married at your age?
00:02:47Darling
00:02:51Ah, nice one Harry
00:02:53Today's weather
00:02:54Well, maximum high of minus two degrees
00:02:56Sleet and hail
00:02:57But we're not gonna let it bring us down, are we?
00:02:59In the deserts
00:03:01Of Sudan
00:03:04And the gardens
00:03:06Of Japan
00:03:08From Milan
00:03:10To Jakarta
00:03:12Every woman's
00:03:15Every man
00:03:18Hit me with your rhythm stick
00:03:20Hit me, hit me
00:03:22Hit me
00:03:23Hit me
00:03:24Hit me
00:03:25Hit me
00:03:26Hit me
00:03:27Hit me
00:03:28With your rhythm stick
00:03:29Hit me slowly
00:03:30Hit me quick
00:03:31Hit me
00:03:32Hit me
00:03:33Hit me
00:03:34I
00:03:52what's your name rudge mr mackay mr mackay there are only two rules in this prison rudge
00:04:03you're listening to me one you do not write on the walls two you obey all the rules all right
00:04:11carry on
00:04:22do you see yon screw where his look so
00:04:51vain with his brand new keys on his brand new chain with a face like a ferret and a peep or a brain
00:04:59and his hand on his whistle in the morning that's you that's up let me watch up satirical singing
00:05:14what John Peel sir that's traditional days second only to my all-time favorite Scotland the brave
00:05:20come where the hands are clapping come where the toes are tapping come where the jocks are strapping
00:05:26darling if you want to sing I suggest you form a slate prison glee club
00:05:32glee
00:05:35got any snap what if I have what if you have all right I don't know I was going to offer you
00:05:51something I've got me own fair enough
00:05:53I've got a letter from the wife can you read it for me look buddy if you can't read how do you know it's from the wife who's got it in scent oh dear where's the lame work tarpaulin factory
00:06:00oh come on read it for me all right all right all right just give me the highlights right
00:06:13I've got a letter from the wife. Can you read it from me?
00:06:15Bunny, if you can't read, how do you know it's from the wife?
00:06:18It's got a little scent.
00:06:20Oh, dear. Where's Elaine Werth? A tarpaulin factory?
00:06:23Oh, come on, read it from me. All right, I'll just give you the highlights.
00:06:27Dearest Bunny, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
00:06:32Blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, what?
00:06:34It's just trivia, Bunny. It's the weather, her mother's guitar.
00:06:37She's retarded alive. The canary's got emeroids.
00:06:43She met a welder at the Fiesta Club, and she's thinking of moving in with him.
00:06:46All right, must be off, Bunny. Can't hang on her.
00:06:51We haven't got the canary.
00:06:54As you can see, Mr. Veal, these men are gainfully employed
00:06:57in the manufacture of prison uniforms.
00:06:59I'm going to open my own boutique when I get out. That'll do, Armstrong.
00:07:03In the other workshop, men are making metal dust bins.
00:07:06Prisoners are also employed in our electrical shop,
00:07:08medicine shop, laundry, and the prison bar.
00:07:11Are you wearing make-up again, Whittaker?
00:07:13It's only a tattoo rouge, Mr. Mackay.
00:07:15Get it off!
00:07:19Anyone got any cleansing cream?
00:07:24Good a lot of that, sir.
00:07:26Insubordination?
00:07:28Povery.
00:07:29Inevitable, Mr. Veal.
00:07:30We find it best to put them all together in G-Wing,
00:07:33or as we term it, marry quarters.
00:07:34I don't understand it myself, sir. I never did.
00:07:38Don't let that show, Mr. Veal.
00:07:39My attitude is, whatever he is,
00:07:41each man in here is as despicable as the next one.
00:07:45Well, that's very fair-minded of you, sir.
00:07:47I'd like to be, sir.
00:07:48Oh, afternoon, Mr. Barraclough.
00:08:04Busy, Fletcher?
00:08:05Oh, yes, yes. Busier than ever, sir.
00:08:07Still, I never complain.
00:08:08I can't actually see what it is you're supposed to be doing.
00:08:12Oh, no, it's the pigs, sir.
00:08:14They won't eat without my reassuring presence.
00:08:16Very highly strung, your average pig, you know.
00:08:19Who's he?
00:08:21Oh, Rudge.
00:08:22Newly assigned to the farm.
00:08:24How'd he work that, then?
00:08:25Pardon?
00:08:26Well, first day inside, the farm?
00:08:28What is he, the governor's nephew?
00:08:30First offender.
00:08:32Admin thought it best.
00:08:33Oh, well, God knows we need all the help we can get, as you can see.
00:08:36Here, Oled.
00:08:36What?
00:08:38Shovel it.
00:08:39Shovel what?
00:08:39Shovel that.
00:08:40Shovel it where?
00:08:41From here to there.
00:08:43Why?
00:08:43Why?
00:08:44Ah, why?
00:08:45If only we knew that, Sonny, but we don't, do we?
00:08:47Ours not to reason why, ours but to clean the sty.
00:08:50Wordsworth.
00:08:54Well, you'd better do as Fletcher says.
00:08:56This job is a privilege, you know, Fletcher.
00:09:07For the pigs, yeah.
00:09:09Look, I want you to set the lad an example.
00:09:12Obviously, you know, he's been foolish to finish up inside here,
00:09:16but I want you to show him that with a bitter graft,
00:09:18he can make a success of his life.
00:09:20Success, oh, yeah, I'll tell you about success.
00:09:23I had a pal, came to London 28 years ago, right,
00:09:27without two apenies to rub together.
00:09:29Now, he managed to scrape up enough money
00:09:30to get himself a little handcart,
00:09:32and he went round collecting all old newspapers.
00:09:36Do you know what he's worth today?
00:09:37No, what?
00:09:38Nothing, and he still owes for the handcart.
00:09:41The farm.
00:09:52Good afternoon, Mr. McKay.
00:09:53Oh, I'm Mr. Barraclopp.
00:09:54The farm produces a modicum of what the prison eats.
00:09:57We've got little livestock, as you see,
00:09:58some pigs, poultry,
00:10:00a few allotments for the older legs.
00:10:02Ah, yes.
00:10:06No guided tour of Slate Prison would be complete
00:10:08without meeting Fletcher, Norman Sternly.
00:10:11Afternoon, Mr. McKay, Mr. Beal.
00:10:13How do you know my name?
00:10:15Oh, I guess around, sir.
00:10:16Doesn't take long.
00:10:17I expect you're already a legend on some bog walls.
00:10:22Typical recidivist, this one.
00:10:23Been doing porridge most of his life.
00:10:25Never, I repeat, never
00:10:27give him the benefit of the doubt.
00:10:31Oh, come on, Mr. McKay, you know me.
00:10:33Bide me time, keep me nose clean.
00:10:35I'm no bother, am I?
00:10:36Long to do?
00:10:37Long enough.
00:10:38What you in for?
00:10:39Got caught.
00:10:41Got the picture?
00:10:54What sort of pie, sirs?
00:10:56Fruit pie.
00:10:57Yes, I realise that.
00:10:58I merely wondered what sort of fruit.
00:11:00I don't know.
00:11:01It just comes out of a tin-marked fruit pie filling.
00:11:04So we have no clue to its origins.
00:11:06No, it's not oranges.
00:11:07It's more like a plum or a damson.
00:11:13What's the old old, Fletch?
00:11:14No, it's the defrocked dentist having a go at the cuisine again.
00:11:17Moving on, Banyard.
00:11:18This food has not one ounce of nutritional value.
00:11:21Come on, Edon Roney, shift yourself.
00:11:25What's the matter with you people, Fletcher?
00:11:27None of you exercise your right to complain.
00:11:30Listen, if you don't move on, my son,
00:11:32I'm going to exercise my right forearm down your throat.
00:11:35That'll do.
00:11:40Put your complaint in writing, can you?
00:11:42Are they doing their good?
00:11:43No.
00:11:47Hello, Lynn.
00:11:48Gladfetch.
00:11:49Here.
00:11:49It's the laddo's first day in here.
00:11:51Do him a favour, will you?
00:11:52Give him a small board.
00:12:03You're not doing yourself any favours, are you, Banyard, eh?
00:12:06All you're doing is getting up other people's noses, ain't you?
00:12:08We have certain rights.
00:12:09No, we don't.
00:12:10We're in the nick.
00:12:11I suppose you think you're entitled to something better
00:12:13just because you went to a public school, is that it?
00:12:15On the contrary, Ives, I'm well used to this kind of food.
00:12:17I went to Harrow.
00:12:18Oh, that's good, isn't it?
00:12:19That's a good advert for the public school sister, isn't it?
00:12:21Prepares you for the nick.
00:12:23Of course, it's worse for him, isn't he, than for most of us, isn't it?
00:12:25Of course, he has had further to drop, isn't he?
00:12:27Professional man, you see.
00:12:28Dentist.
00:12:29Tragic.
00:12:30What do you mean, Fletcher?
00:12:30Tragic.
00:12:31I mean, it's no laughing matter for that woman he had under the laughing gas, was it?
00:12:34There's no need for that, Ives.
00:12:35We don't have to keep unearthing each other's pass, I'm paying for my peccadilloes.
00:12:39Oh, that's good.
00:12:40Well, if you're paying, I'll have a large one.
00:12:43What's a peccadillo?
00:12:44It's a South African bird.
00:12:46It flies backwards to stop getting the sand in it eyes.
00:12:48No, no.
00:12:50I know what you mean, though.
00:12:52It's an animal called the armadildo.
00:12:57Armadildo.
00:12:58No, no, no.
00:12:58That was King Arthur's copies.
00:13:01I think that's what I'm eating and all.
00:13:05Don't worry, it may never happen.
00:13:12All that it has.
00:13:13I'm here, ain't I?
00:13:17Now, look.
00:13:19Whatever you're in here for, you did it, didn't you?
00:13:22Bank the rights.
00:13:23Yeah.
00:13:23Yeah.
00:13:24Just like me.
00:13:25If we had been caught, we'd have been jacked alive, wouldn't we?
00:13:28But we was.
00:13:28We was collared.
00:13:29And that's that.
00:13:30So don't bleat.
00:13:32If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.
00:13:34I ain't bleating.
00:13:34Good.
00:13:35Good.
00:13:40Prison is like life, you know.
00:13:42You need something to believe in in here.
00:13:44Something to hang on to so you don't go under.
00:13:47You can't buck the system.
00:13:48It's mad to try.
00:13:49But you can lift the heart with an occasional little victory.
00:13:58Well, nice talking to you, Rudge.
00:13:59Oh, one more thing.
00:14:05Don't hang about in here too long.
00:14:07Ambush Alley, they call this.
00:14:08Not a safe place in the nick.
00:14:10You get them all in here, transvestites, homosexuals, drug addicts, the lot.
00:14:14I tell you, when someone walks in here, just sits down and gets on with it, it's like a breath of fresh air.
00:14:24Roy!
00:14:24Most areas of the home counties are again affected by major power cuts.
00:14:28Talks between the government and the union were broken off following their rejection of a 14% pay increase.
00:14:32The weather, freezing fog and black eyes.
00:14:35Shoes all right, Mr. Grout?
00:14:36And the outlook for the weekend, little change.
00:14:37Okay.
00:14:39On your way, Jacko.
00:14:50I don't like the look of that new one.
00:14:53What's his name?
00:14:53Beale?
00:14:54Yeah.
00:14:55I'm putting the king back, Latch.
00:14:57What are you incinerating, Edleigh?
00:14:59It's there, and it was there.
00:15:01How was it?
00:15:02Well, maybe I chugged a table.
00:15:04I don't know.
00:15:04Maybe the wind blew it there.
00:15:06That's what I call drafting.
00:15:06The wind blows them apart, doesn't it?
00:15:08Go on, put it back, then.
00:15:10Put it where you like, if winning is all that important to you.
00:15:13I'll have it where it was, thank you.
00:15:15I don't mind losing, so long as it's all fair and square.
00:15:19Show me a man who laughs at defeat, and I will show you a black chiropodist with a sense of humour.
00:15:24I'll rate you late, because it's 7.24.
00:15:27Almost lock up, Mr. Beale.
00:15:29Then I'll buy you a jar.
00:15:30I wouldn't say no to that, sir.
00:15:31The prison officers have formed a club.
00:15:33It's known as the Prison Officers Club.
00:15:35It was formerly the Coke Store before we converted it to gas.
00:15:38A little basic, perhaps, but it's remarkable what you can do with a pot of paint, a few horse brasses,
00:15:43and a little imagination.
00:15:45Oh, look forward to it, sir.
00:15:46Oh, ow.
00:15:47I'm sorry, Mr. Mackay.
00:15:49What are you up to, Ives?
00:15:50Now, here, listen, Mr. Mackay.
00:15:51You're always up to something, aren't you, Ives?
00:15:53This is Ives, Mr. Beale.
00:15:55Horrible Ives, aren't you?
00:15:57Well, if you say so, sir.
00:15:58Don't be cheeky, Ives.
00:16:07Oh, dear.
00:16:08What a shame.
00:16:08Just when you was poised for victory.
00:16:10Don't worry.
00:16:11We'll continue this tomorrow.
00:16:12Ah, well, I don't know what I'm free tomorrow, do I?
00:16:14I shall have to consult my social diary.
00:16:16Oh, well, that's all I have time for.
00:16:25There's the ironing to be done before Starsky and Hutch.
00:16:28Needless to say, I love you and miss your loving...
00:16:31Arms, I think it is.
00:16:34Yeah, would be arms, yeah.
00:16:36Then there's lots of hugs and kisses.
00:16:38Nice letter.
00:16:39So, there's nothing in here about a welder or a canary?
00:16:44No, I would have noticed.
00:16:46Hey, what?
00:16:50There weren't no welder or a canary.
00:16:55And I never thought there were, neither.
00:17:00What's he on about?
00:17:02Search me.
00:17:04Stir-crazy, perhaps.
00:17:05Yeah.
00:17:06Hey, how did that kid, Rudge, manage to wangle the farm?
00:17:08I don't know.
00:17:09Charm, I shouldn't wonder.
00:17:11He's been sitting in his cell since chow, just staring at the wall.
00:17:14Ah, well, he's just had his first experience at your cottage pie, hasn't it?
00:17:16Best not to move about too much after that, isn't it?
00:17:21He's only a kid.
00:17:22Oh, dear, listen to her.
00:17:23No, I just remember the first night I've come in here.
00:17:25How I felt when that door banged shut.
00:17:29Hey, why don't you go and have a word with him?
00:17:30Why?
00:17:31Well, you're good at that sort of thing.
00:17:32He perked me up when I first come inside.
00:17:34Listen, I broke you in, Godman, because you was forced upon my cell.
00:17:37And it was in my interest not to have a manic depressive in the bottom bunk, wasn't it, eh?
00:17:46Suit yourself.
00:17:47I will, I will.
00:17:49Oh, dear.
00:17:51Here, you owe me some darning wool.
00:17:53Already gave you some.
00:17:54That was in exchange for the orange.
00:17:57Tangerine.
00:17:58Besides, that was to pay me for the stamp.
00:18:00What stamp?
00:18:01For your pools.
00:18:03Oh, Paige, if I had a stamp, would have squirted me toothpaste.
00:18:05No, that was for the darling wool.
00:18:07Well, look, I'm not going to sit here arguing and toss with you all night.
00:18:11Have you got any or haven't you?
00:18:12Yeah.
00:18:13Well, are you going to give me some orange, huh?
00:18:16Yeah.
00:18:19Well, just like that.
00:18:20Three grettes of an oven?
00:18:21Yeah.
00:18:22Carvelers.
00:18:23All the way!
00:18:26Let's have them away now!
00:18:31No, no, no, no, no, no, mine's shut.
00:19:00Henry?
00:19:01Oh, no, I'd better not.
00:19:02I must be off in a minute.
00:19:04Nonsense, man.
00:19:05He'll have the same again.
00:19:06And Mr. Beale and I will have a pint of your finest.
00:19:10I'll have a drum as well on the side.
00:19:12Show the medicinal.
00:19:17Quite snug in here, don't you think?
00:19:21Very nice.
00:19:22Any suggestion, you know, put them to the committee.
00:19:24Of which I happen to be the chairman.
00:19:26I will, yes.
00:19:27No, the good thing about a club like this is it gives the men a chance to unwind at the end of the day, have a few laughs.
00:19:34Isn't that right, Henry?
00:19:35Oh, yes, it's invaluable in that respect.
00:19:39Ah, welcome sight.
00:19:41First today.
00:19:43Here's to you, Mr. Beale.
00:19:44Here's to you, Mr. Mackay.
00:19:45I, I, uh, I found what you had to say very instructive, sir.
00:19:51Well, one does one's best.
00:19:53Be helpful, you know.
00:19:53Oh, very helpful.
00:19:55Cheers.
00:19:56Bottoms up.
00:19:56Oh, down the hatch.
00:19:58No, you haven't entered the glamour of profession, Mr. Beale.
00:20:05We're underpaid, understaffed, and overlooked.
00:20:08Even though every time we walk these landings, we put our lives on the line.
00:20:12Well, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
00:20:16And the public never hears of us, of course.
00:20:19Except, adversely, when some namby-pamby politician takes up the case of a psychopath who claims that we've been less than gentle with.
00:20:26What do they know, sir?
00:20:28See, that's why.
00:20:30That's why you'll find that we're a pretty tight bunch here.
00:20:33Unified, if you like.
00:20:34Unified in the face of criminal hostility and public indifference.
00:20:39That's why this place is so important to us all.
00:20:47Where the hell is everybody?
00:20:49Unified in the face of criminal hostility and public indifference.
00:21:19Unified in the face of criminal hostility and public indifference.
00:21:24It's that bloke Atkinson.
00:21:27Mm.
00:21:29He keeps getting these terrible nightmares.
00:21:31I know, yeah.
00:21:34He's told the shrink about it, but all he's given him is aspirin.
00:21:39You have to feel compassion, don't you?
00:21:41Yeah.
00:21:43Human soul and such torment.
00:21:47Bow down, Atkinson, you noisy scrope!
00:21:54Come along, Lesby Avenue.
00:22:04Morning, Atkinson. Sleeping better, are we?
00:22:07I slept like a top till some stupid pranet started shouting.
00:22:15What's the rush, son?
00:22:17You should watch where you're going.
00:22:19You, son, should watch where you're standing.
00:22:21What's your name?
00:22:22What's it to you?
00:22:23Oh!
00:22:27There's no problem here, Mr. Lassiter.
00:22:32My name's Rudge. Rudge.
00:22:36My name's Harry Crow.
00:22:38Don't think we've had the pleasure.
00:22:41These are my friends Samson and Delilah.
00:22:44Samson got his nickname because of the muscles.
00:22:46And she got hers because of her striking resemblance to Haydee Lamar.
00:22:54Listen to this.
00:22:55Listen to what?
00:22:56You know Robbie Patton, who works in the laundry?
00:22:58Well, his wife, you see, she wanted a divorce, you see.
00:23:00So she goes to the solicitor and he says,
00:23:02well, you've got to have grounds, you see.
00:23:04So she says, what's grounds?
00:23:05So he tells her.
00:23:06He says, first of all, there's insanity.
00:23:07Well, I mean, Robbie's a bit of a dipstick, like, but he's not certifiable, is he?
00:23:11Secondly, there's desertion.
00:23:13Well, I mean, he's in here.
00:23:14He can't go nowhere, can he?
00:23:15Thirdly, there is cruelty.
00:23:17Well, as you know, he wouldn't hurt a flying.
00:23:19So that leaves adultery.
00:23:20Oh, what's adultery?
00:23:21She says.
00:23:22So he tells her.
00:23:23She says, ah, I think we've got him there.
00:23:25He is not the father of my child.
00:23:29Good, isn't it?
00:23:32I thought you liked that.
00:23:33Can I have Ladd away?
00:23:34We must be late at work, all right?
00:23:36Yeah?
00:23:37Come on, Ladd.
00:23:39Not the father of my child.
00:23:42It's never been funny.
00:23:44I don't get it.
00:23:45Never mind.
00:23:47Never mind.
00:23:54Who was that fellow on the landing?
00:23:55Oh, him.
00:23:56Harry Grout.
00:23:57He runs this, Nick.
00:23:58I thought that was the governor's job.
00:23:59No, only officially, Sonny.
00:24:03Next time you meet him, bow, curtsy, or lick his boots, if that's what he wants.
00:24:06All right?
00:24:08Thanks.
00:24:13How are you?
00:24:14Are you ready to do the sluice?
00:24:16Do the sluice?
00:24:17The Listerman sluice.
00:24:22Are you sluicing?
00:24:23Do you like it?
00:24:24Come on.
00:24:25Grout?
00:24:26Over to you.
00:24:27Do the sluice.
00:24:28Yeah?
00:24:29Uh...
00:24:30Uh...
00:24:31Shouldn't you be at your place of work by now?
00:24:34Well, normally I would be, Mr. Bowerclough.
00:24:37Well, I'm going to see the M.O.
00:24:39Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Nothing serious, I hope.
00:24:48Never been better.
00:24:49Oh, uh...
00:24:50Do you want to go next, Mr. Krause?
00:25:06I'm in no rush.
00:25:07I'm afraid you'll all have to clear off.
00:25:12I need this room for a meeting.
00:25:16On your way, lads.
00:25:17Look, I don't know what this is about, but I require urgent treatment.
00:25:20My boy all needs lancing.
00:25:21If you don't hop it, I'll have one of my lads do it.
00:25:33We haven't met.
00:25:35I'm Eric Grout.
00:25:37Everybody knows that.
00:25:39Bill Oakes.
00:25:41I know you're for, Mokesy.
00:25:44You're no second rater.
00:25:47He was moved here from Wakefield.
00:25:50Where you obviously kept your nose clean.
00:25:54Halfway through a 12th stretch for armed robbery, innit?
00:25:57That's right.
00:25:59Big tickle, that last job of yours.
00:26:02I hope the money's safely tucked away.
00:26:05Someone's been investing it for me.
00:26:07Oh, save us prefabs, then.
00:26:10That's why I want out.
00:26:12I wish to unfreeze my assets and take off to the sun.
00:26:16I can see how you would.
00:26:18Obviously, there'll be the appropriate recompense to your good self.
00:26:23Yeah.
00:26:25I like the word recompense.
00:26:27I was thinking in the region...
00:26:28No.
00:26:30Let me tell you my thinking.
00:26:32Five thousand.
00:26:34Three before.
00:26:35Two after.
00:26:37It's only fair the lion's share should come up front.
00:26:40Once people take off to the sun.
00:26:43They're often careless about tidying up their affairs.
00:26:47Where do you want it put?
00:26:49Hastings and Thanet building society.
00:26:51Bexhill branch.
00:26:53How long will you need?
00:26:55You'll have to give me up to three months.
00:26:58Supposing you don't spring me?
00:27:00And you get your money back, Axie.
00:27:01Mind you, I keep the interest.
00:27:04Nine and a quarter percent at the moment.
00:27:07Tax pay.
00:27:09Next.
00:27:11Oh, where have they all gone?
00:27:13They all got better, Doc.
00:27:14You look a bit down the mouth, Mr. Barclough.
00:27:15Anything the matter?
00:27:16Oh, nothing new.
00:27:17Same old story.
00:27:18Domestic crisis, you know.
00:27:19Oh, dear.
00:27:20Mrs. Barclough left, do I see?
00:27:21Unhappily...
00:27:22No, Fletcher.
00:27:23Wait.
00:27:25What?
00:27:27Wait.
00:27:28What?
00:27:29What?
00:27:31What?
00:27:33Down the mouth, Mr. Barclough.
00:27:34Anything the matter?
00:27:35Oh, nothing new.
00:27:37Same old story.
00:27:39Domestic crisis, you know.
00:27:40Oh, dear.
00:27:42Mrs. Barclough left, do I see?
00:27:44Unhappily.
00:27:50No, Fletcher.
00:27:51Morning.
00:27:54She wheels a wheelbarrow, through streets broad and narrow, crying coals.
00:28:00Oh, he loves that, you know, he loves all that.
00:28:03Yeah, my soul's alive, alive, oh.
00:28:08I thought I told you to wait in the car.
00:28:10She wheels a wheelbarrow, two wheels and an arrow.
00:28:21Watch out for him, he's the mad butcher of a slave prison.
00:28:27What did he do?
00:28:28Fiddle the VAT on his sausages.
00:28:47Where are you going with that?
00:28:48Pig's room.
00:28:49What?
00:28:51Swirl for the pig, sir.
00:28:52Pig swirl.
00:28:54It's Fletcher, isn't it?
00:28:57Yes, sir.
00:28:59Settling all right, are you?
00:29:01Never mind if I am or if I'm not.
00:29:04I wouldn't leave that bicycle there if I was you, sir.
00:29:07When I want your advice, I'll ask for it.
00:29:11I'll suit yourself, sir.
00:29:12But there are one or two thieves in here, know what I mean?
00:29:17Whose side do you want anyway?
00:29:18Theirs or theirs?
00:29:19Neither.
00:29:20Mine.
00:29:20It lacks something, Lotterby.
00:29:26It lacks something, Lotterby.
00:29:42With this soup, Elizabeth David recommends coriander, bay leaves and a dash of pepper.
00:29:55I said a dash, Lotterby.
00:29:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
00:30:26Cut the top of me finger off, all right?
00:30:28Stop making all this fast. Show me what it is.
00:30:34What's going on? Oh, Shane.
00:30:36Yeah. This man's had an accident, Mr Mackay.
00:30:40Let's see, Cooper.
00:30:42What happened? Carry on, the rest of you.
00:30:44Well, I thought I'd cut the top of me finger off, but it seems to be still there, so...
00:30:56At your bicycle, Mr Beale?
00:31:02Yes, sir. I took the precaution of bringing it indoors, sir.
00:31:05Into this thieves' kitchen? Ask yourself a question, Mr Beale. Was that wise?
00:31:11What would they want with it, sir?
00:31:13The Lord alone knows. Rob now. Think later. That's their motto.
00:31:21What's on the menu today, Godbot?
00:31:23Creme du Barry, sir, followed by Currie.
00:31:27Currie's what? Meat, sir.
00:31:29What meat?
00:31:30I don't know. It doesn't say. It just says tinned meat, sir. On the tin line.
00:31:35Ladle.
00:31:38Of course, he sees himself as an authority on curry, he does.
00:31:40I can't know where he was stationed in the army.
00:31:42India?
00:31:43No, Bradford.
00:31:47Oh, very fair, Godbot. Very fair.
00:31:49Perhaps, uh... perhaps just a dash more curry powder.
00:31:53Oh, right, sir.
00:31:54Uh, Lotterby, um, curry powder.
00:31:57Ah!
00:31:58Ah!
00:31:59Ah!
00:32:00Ah!
00:32:01Ah!
00:32:02Ah!
00:32:03Ah!
00:32:04Ah!
00:32:05Ah!
00:32:06Ah!
00:32:07Ah!
00:32:08Ah!
00:32:09Ah!
00:32:10Ah!
00:32:11Ah!
00:32:12Ah!
00:32:13Ah!
00:32:14Try a hanky, sir.
00:32:15Ah!
00:32:16Ah!
00:32:17Ah!
00:32:18Ah!
00:32:19Blow, sir.
00:32:20I can't breathe!
00:32:21What?
00:32:22I can't breathe! Get the doctor!
00:32:23The M.O., sir.
00:32:24Get the doctor!
00:32:25The M.O.T.
00:32:26We're going in!
00:32:27Ah!
00:32:28Ah!
00:32:29Ah!
00:32:30Ah!
00:32:31Ah!
00:32:32Ah!
00:32:33Ah!
00:32:35Ah!
00:32:36Ah!
00:32:38Ah!
00:32:39Ah!
00:32:40Ah!
00:32:41Ah!
00:32:42Ah!
00:32:43Ah!
00:32:44Ah!
00:32:45Ah!
00:32:46Ah!
00:32:47Ooh.
00:32:48Perfect.
00:32:51That's what you got, is it? Yeah. It's hardly ever been used.
00:32:54What are you gonna use it for?
00:32:56I don't know.
00:32:58Well, why'd you nick it?
00:33:00Well, he got one and I hadn't.
00:33:04I can't understand why Mackay hasn't come down on us like a tool of bricks.
00:33:07I'll tell you why.
00:33:08Because he lost something today in the kitchen, that's why.
00:33:11What pride do you mean?
00:33:12Ah, something else. Shift your backside.
00:33:14Why?
00:33:15It's hidden in your mattress.
00:33:16Oh, I see. So if we're gonna search, I'm the one who gets to blame.
00:33:19Oh, yes. It would, yes. Oh, yes.
00:33:21You think of everything you do.
00:33:22I try.
00:33:23Have a look outside. See when I was about.
00:33:34OK, shut your eyes.
00:33:37All right, open up.
00:33:38Urgh, teeth.
00:33:39Yeah, jaws free. Look.
00:33:43Urgh, get off. How'd you come by?
00:33:45I can't sneeze them into the curry.
00:33:48I'm not sleeping on them.
00:33:49They won't bite you. It's only half a set there.
00:33:51No, no, no.
00:33:52I mean, they're red hot.
00:33:53He'll turn the nick over looking for them.
00:33:55He'll negotiate first, won't he?
00:33:57Bit risky.
00:33:58Well, you know what they say, don't you?
00:33:59Nothing dentured, nothing gained.
00:34:02Now, here, listen, Fletcher.
00:34:04Grouty wants to see you.
00:34:05Now, before we get to your last record, how well do you think you would look after yourself on this island? Are you pretty good with your hands?
00:34:10Yes, I think I'm fairly a practical sort of person. You know, I do my share around the house, you know.
00:34:16Now, go on.
00:34:17How's the dark going all right?
00:34:18How's the dark going all right?
00:34:41It's a lovely piece. And this is the recording for New Justice.
00:34:47Desert Island Discs. Oh, yeah.
00:34:49Always been an ambition of mine to be on that programme.
00:34:52Yeah. Nice French, Gratty.
00:34:54Yeah, feel that.
00:34:56100% cashmere. Lovely.
00:34:59He's doing me one in Baratheia for when the weather gets warmer.
00:35:02If he never does.
00:35:03Yeah.
00:35:05On your way, Tink.
00:35:11Now, then.
00:35:17Yeah. Gratty, if it's about the, uh, if it's about the teeth.
00:35:21What?
00:35:22Well, I realise, of course, that you are entitled to a first refusal.
00:35:25Are you referring to Mackay's missing motors?
00:35:28Yeah, well, I presume that's what I was sent for.
00:35:29I mean, nothing escapes you, does it, Gratty?
00:35:31Ah, now, Fletch.
00:35:33If you've got them, that's your tickle.
00:35:36Oh, good.
00:35:38Oh, no.
00:35:39I wanted to talk to you about something else.
00:35:42Oh, dear.
00:35:43I heard this notion.
00:35:45A football match.
00:35:49Showbiz celebrities.
00:35:51Come up here, give the lads a boost.
00:35:53Good for morale.
00:35:54Oh, yeah, yeah. Lovely, yeah. Lovely, Gratty, yeah.
00:35:57I know a bloke in the smoker could organise it.
00:36:00First thing's to get the governor's blessing.
00:36:02Oh, I'm sure the governor'd do anything for you, Gratty.
00:36:05Yeah.
00:36:05You suggest it, Fletch.
00:36:14Why me?
00:36:15Because you're a man to be trusted, and I know you'd do it subtle.
00:36:19Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:36:21And, of course, if anything went wrong, it would all come back on me.
00:36:23That's right.
00:36:25Yeah.
00:36:25I don't know why I didn't think I'd have myself.
00:36:34I'll do as you say, Mr. McGuire, but I'm not happier that we should cow-tow to these people.
00:36:39I mean, if we do this kind of thing, isn't there a danger of the loss of face?
00:36:45That's nothing compared to my loss of teeth.
00:36:49And the outlook for the weekend is a little change.
00:36:52Well, that's the word of hope, so if you're thinking of going out today, my advice to you is don't.
00:37:00What's that?
00:37:01Spitfire.
00:37:03Saved our skins in the war. They did them and the Hurricanes.
00:37:07That's what I'd like to have been.
00:37:08Fight a pilot.
00:37:11Up over the white cliffs of Dover.
00:37:13Quick dogfight with the love popper.
00:37:15And then back to the mess for bacon and eggs in the sink tank.
00:37:21Everything you ever needed to know about getting across...
00:37:23Could I have a word, thank you.
00:37:26I'm busy, Mr. Baragraff. Do you mind?
00:37:29All these and more are in the National Express coaching for this event in your local evening paper.
00:37:34Oh, well, if you insist, son.
00:37:35You have to call it a draw, Edling. All right?
00:37:37In private, if you don't mind.
00:37:40Oh, yeah.
00:37:41Delicate matter.
00:37:42Oh, step in the office.
00:37:50I'm here at the request of Mr. Merr, one of my senior colleagues.
00:37:55Well, I think you know that...
00:37:58I know that you know what I know.
00:38:02How do I?
00:38:03It's what the grapevine says.
00:38:04You can put your hand on what he hasn't got.
00:38:07Well, if he hasn't got it, I don't see how I can put my hand on it, son.
00:38:12And if he has, I'm not sure I want to. You know what I mean?
00:38:15Don't be obtuse, Fletcher. We both know what we're on about.
00:38:19And I want you to know that I heartily disapprove of this.
00:38:23Oh, so do I, sir. So do I.
00:38:25But we are just the go-betweens, aren't we, eh?
00:38:27We are merely here to maintain the status quo.
00:38:30And if we don't come to some little arrangement, they go in the auction Sunday.
00:38:34Ah, arrangement, yes.
00:38:37Yes, please.
00:38:37My function is to ensure that the item in question is restored to its rightful place.
00:38:44To wit his mouth.
00:38:45I think we see eye to eye.
00:38:48Oh, yeah. Well, you know what they say, sir.
00:38:49An eye for an eye and a two for a mouth.
00:38:52Clear off.
00:38:55I've been authorised to go up to a fiver.
00:38:58Then the quicker you go up to it, the better, sir.
00:39:00Oh, well, handy at all, Fletcher.
00:39:01I mean, I would like to make some token gesture towards bargaining.
00:39:05Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry. Go on, you go ahead.
00:39:07Bargain away, sir.
00:39:09$3.50?
00:39:09A fiver.
00:39:12Dunk.
00:39:13You certainly have been.
00:39:22No, it's a 50-50 ball.
00:39:23Need bottle, though.
00:39:26I'll have it for that.
00:39:26All right, go on, just try it.
00:39:35Afternoon, Mr Beale.
00:39:37Afternoon, Fletcher.
00:39:39Football fan, are you?
00:39:40Yeah, it's a lovely game, sir, yeah.
00:39:42So good for the lads and all.
00:39:44Teach them things in life, don't it, eh?
00:39:45You know, give and take.
00:39:47Fair play.
00:39:48Make the best man win.
00:39:49Put the boot in a wing!
00:39:50I used to play a bit.
00:39:53I used to play a bit.
00:39:54In goal.
00:39:56Oh, yeah.
00:39:57Yeah, I can just see you as custodians, huh?
00:39:59Not much to get past you, eh, Mr Beale?
00:40:01Come on, somebody!
00:40:07That one's fairly useful.
00:40:09Essex Methodist League.
00:40:11Runners up.
00:40:1269.
00:40:13Oh, my word.
00:40:13Of course, what the lads really need is a bit more motivation, isn't it, really?
00:40:18Hmm?
00:40:20It's a pity someone in authority don't get one of them showbiz teams to come up here, you
00:40:24know.
00:40:24Work wonders for morale, that work.
00:40:26Show business?
00:40:27Yeah.
00:40:29Matter of fact, I know a bloke in the smoke who runs that sort of thing.
00:40:33Really?
00:40:34Yeah.
00:40:35Well, it'll be nice talking to you, Mr Beale.
00:40:40Yes, on your way, Fletcher.
00:40:43Another lager, isn't it?
00:40:44Oh, no, my round, sir.
00:40:46Oh, thirsty work, eh?
00:40:47Top that one, haven't we?
00:40:49Keeps me in trim, though.
00:40:50Oh, yes, I can see that, sir.
00:40:51Oh.
00:40:53A lot of talent from the men, but they lack motivation.
00:40:58Well, can hardly join a league, Mr Beale.
00:41:01Can't play away matches.
00:41:05I, er, I know a chap in London who organizes charity matches, showbiziness, that sort of
00:41:13thing.
00:41:14Might be willing to bring a team up here.
00:41:16Showbiziness?
00:41:17Well, work wonders for morale, sir.
00:41:20Morale, eh?
00:41:21Morale.
00:41:24Morale, Mr Mackay?
00:41:26Could work wonders for it, sir.
00:41:28A team from the outside, a spring thing of celebrities.
00:41:33Put Slade on the map, sir.
00:41:35Local press, that kind of thing.
00:41:37This idea hasn't come from the prisoners, has it?
00:41:40Oh, no, no, no, no, no, sir.
00:41:42Off the top of my head, just a...
00:41:43Yes, well, I'll give it some thought.
00:41:48Very good.
00:41:55It's on.
00:41:56I heard.
00:41:57Well done, Fetch.
00:41:58Any time, Grouty.
00:42:00Now we need someone reliable as trainer.
00:42:04Oh, well, don't look at me.
00:42:05I've grown disenchanted with a game.
00:42:07Twenty years of support in Orient does that for a man.
00:42:11I insist.
00:42:13Oh.
00:42:14Well, in that case, it is my privilege.
00:42:26Come on, Oxy, you're flagging.
00:42:28I heard Rob Stewart was coming.
00:42:30Is it likely?
00:42:31He's a tax-exo.
00:42:32Who gives the monkeys we're getting double rations?
00:42:36Come on, Oxy, shift yourself.
00:42:45Well done, lads.
00:42:46Well done.
00:42:47Now, listen, don't forget.
00:42:49Early night tonight, all of you.
00:42:51I don't want any of you creeping off down the pub, all right?
00:42:54Oh, hello.
00:42:55Mr. Mackay didn't see you, Leslie.
00:42:58You're a strange choice for trainer, aren't you, Fletcher?
00:43:01Well, it was the lads what decreed it, so they took a vote.
00:43:04You know what I mean?
00:43:05I heard, yes.
00:43:07Yet you're a man who's always despised physical activity.
00:43:10Oh, not in others.
00:43:11Well, we've got plenty of strength at the back.
00:43:20One thing we're not short of is stoppers.
00:43:23What we need now is a bit of creative midfield flair.
00:43:26From what I saw of him, Rudge could provide that.
00:43:29Revelation, he was.
00:43:29Yeah.
00:43:30He reckons he had a trial for Brentford before he had a trial for shoplifted.
00:43:34I can believe it.
00:43:36Have you, uh...
00:43:38Have you chose the final team, Mike?
00:43:40Not yet, no.
00:43:41I can't believe it.
00:43:49Want a bit of Kit Kat?
00:43:51Oh, done, yeah.
00:43:56You must have a rough idea, though.
00:43:57A nucleus-like.
00:43:58Well, taking shape.
00:43:59Taking shape.
00:44:02Have you got any socks need darned?
00:44:04Yeah.
00:44:05Matter of fact, I have.
00:44:05Look at that.
00:44:08Thought I played quite well today.
00:44:10Did you?
00:44:12Well, I thought so.
00:44:13It's good in the air.
00:44:14Scored one.
00:44:15Well, it was a haircut shot, really, wasn't it?
00:44:16And it just hit your ear as it went in, didn't it, really?
00:44:19No, no, no.
00:44:19That was a cunning deflection.
00:44:21Oh, well, then, was it?
00:44:22Oh, yeah.
00:44:24Oh, God.
00:44:24So, uh, how do you rate me chances, then, Fletch?
00:44:29Chances?
00:44:30Of what?
00:44:32Making the team.
00:44:34Slim.
00:44:38Darn your own naffing socks.
00:44:40Come on, Oaksie, you're in here for armed robbery.
00:44:55Try and steal the ball once in a while.
00:44:58You're in the spirit of things, Fletcher?
00:44:59Oh, afternoon, Mr. Treadway.
00:45:01How do you rate our chances?
00:45:02Well, difficult to tell, any, sir?
00:45:04We don't know what we're up against yet, do we?
00:45:06Have you heard any more about who's coming up here?
00:45:07They seem rather vague at the moment, don't they, Mr. Mackay?
00:45:11There is some talk of David Diddy Hamptles, sir.
00:45:14And possibly one of the goodies.
00:45:16Oh, that'll be a novelty, won't it?
00:45:17Up here amongst all these baddies.
00:45:19Is that all, Mr. Mackay?
00:45:21No, sir, but these people have commitments, you know.
00:45:23It's very hard to pin them down till the last minute.
00:45:25You're in it's going down, gopher!
00:45:29We've had a letter from Michael Parkinson, sir.
00:45:32Oh, is he coming?
00:45:33No, sir, but he wrote to say that he would have come.
00:45:35But he isn't.
00:45:36Oh.
00:45:37But we have the letter on file, sir.
00:45:40Didn't you mention that comedian chap, or what's his name?
00:45:44Jimmy Tarbrush?
00:45:46Buck, sir?
00:45:47Yes, Buck Tarbrush.
00:45:49Well, unhappily, he's indisposed.
00:45:53Oh, dear.
00:45:57Buck Tarbrush.
00:46:00We should be lucky to get Basil Brush.
00:46:05Look out, Mother Superior.
00:46:06This will be the visitors' changing room, sir.
00:46:07Our lot will change next door.
00:46:08We're not painting that as well, are we?
00:46:09Certainly not, sir.
00:46:10Good.
00:46:11What about valuables, Mr. Wicker?
00:46:12They'll leave them in the coat, sir.
00:46:13Very wise.
00:46:14Who are these fellows?
00:46:15Whittaker, sir, and Foley.
00:46:16I picked them because they have an autistic bent.
00:46:18Well, we're bent.
00:46:19Hmm, I know.
00:46:20Carry on.
00:46:21Get that eye shadow off, Whittaker.
00:46:25After the game, sir, I thought we'd had a little reception for them in the prison officers' club here, sir.
00:46:26Oh, I don't think so.
00:46:27It's such an inhospitable.
00:46:28Oh, but, sir, you haven't been there since we'd brought you up here, sir.
00:46:30Oh, sir.
00:46:31I'm sorry.
00:46:32I picked them because they have an autistic bent.
00:46:33Well, we're bent.
00:46:34Hmm, I know.
00:46:35Carry on.
00:46:42Get that eye shadow off, Whittaker.
00:46:48After the game, sir, I thought we'd had a little reception for them in the prison officers' club here, sir.
00:46:52Oh, I don't think so.
00:46:53It's such an inhospitable place.
00:46:55Oh, but, sir.
00:46:56Sir, you haven't been there since we brightened it up.
00:46:58Huh?
00:46:59I acquired some horse browses and Nemo's wife has donated a stag's head, sir.
00:47:02I still think they'd be much more comfortable in the plough and sail.
00:47:13Excuse me, I'd like to go through.
00:47:15They're all engaged.
00:47:22Look, I have certain rights.
00:47:24I'm desperate for pee.
00:47:27This is blatant intimidation.
00:47:28It's time you people realise you cannot walk around this...
00:47:31Hello, Fletch.
00:47:32Hello, Fletch.
00:47:33Hello, Bradley.
00:47:40So...
00:47:42Let's hear the team, then.
00:47:44Yeah.
00:47:47Ronnie Simpkin in goal.
00:47:48Well, a lesser of two evils, you know.
00:47:50Tommy Armstrong.
00:47:51Steve Callaghan.
00:47:52McLaren.
00:47:53Nifty Small.
00:47:54Minnie Cooper.
00:47:55Young Rudd, of course.
00:47:56And...
00:47:58Wellings.
00:47:59And Macmillan.
00:48:00Doug Aywood.
00:48:01Urquhart.
00:48:02And Lenny Copper.
00:48:03Subs, we've got Bonnie Warren.
00:48:05Adams.
00:48:06And Jacko, in case you can suck me.
00:48:08Sounds a fairly well-balanced sign.
00:48:10Yeah, I think so.
00:48:11We've gone for a blend of youth, experience, flair and brutality.
00:48:16Only thing was...
00:48:18I didn't hear Oaksy's name in there.
00:48:23Oh, no.
00:48:24I think Oaksy will be the first to admit that he's not a footballer.
00:48:26Yes, I am.
00:48:29Well, footballer, yes, maybe.
00:48:31But, I mean, what I mean to say is you are not as fit as some of the younger lats, are you?
00:48:34Yes, I am.
00:48:35Well, put it another way, I mean, I was basing it on the fact that he cannot tackle, pass, trap or dribble.
00:48:45He throws in well, mind.
00:48:48He's playing.
00:48:49No, he's not.
00:48:50Yes, I am.
00:48:54Is he?
00:48:56Oh, yes.
00:48:58Oh, no, I've got your name down here all the time, Oaksy. Look.
00:49:03It's just I was spelled at Macmillan.
00:49:09Come on, Fletcher.
00:49:10You're late.
00:49:11All right, all right.
00:49:15I just want you to know I've had it with you.
00:49:17You've what?
00:49:18You've really got up my goat these last two weeks, you have.
00:49:20Wrong, Gobba.
00:49:21I get your goat.
00:49:22I don't get up your goat.
00:49:25I'll get up your nose.
00:49:26Or on your wick.
00:49:28Well, just lately, you've done all three.
00:49:32Never miss an edge, you don't.
00:49:34Running round like a tin pot Napoleon, drunk with power.
00:49:36I've degraded myself for you, I have.
00:49:39Giving you a Kit-Kat, darning your socks just to make your naffing team.
00:49:41We've been sellies for a long time now. Doesn't that count for something?
00:49:44Listen, if you made the team automatic, tongues would wag, wouldn't they?
00:49:47Favouritism.
00:49:48That's why you've got to prove yourself more than the next man.
00:49:50I have, I did.
00:49:51I didn't mind doing more laps than anyone else, more press-ups than anyone else,
00:49:54knocking me pan out.
00:49:56But I will not stay behind and late up everyone else's boots.
00:49:59You're in the team.
00:50:01Everybody's wetting their knickers round this prison
00:50:02just because we've got some so-called celebrities coming up here.
00:50:05Don't you want to play, then?
00:50:06What?
00:50:07You're in the team.
00:50:09Straight up.
00:50:10Centre back.
00:50:11Oh, tarf, Lett.
00:50:12No, no, no.
00:50:13You're changeable, ain't you?
00:50:14Who else is in?
00:50:17Half-Strong, Simkin, Rudge, Oaks!
00:50:19Look, you're in the team, so don't quibble about who else is in the team, alright?
00:50:22Oh, right, right, coach.
00:50:23Everything you say, coach.
00:50:24Hey, who's captain?
00:50:25Why?
00:50:26Well, I just wondered whether I was a contender.
00:50:28A captain gobber has to possess certain attributes which set him aside from the rest of his team.
00:50:33That is why I've chosen light-fingered Larry.
00:50:36Okay, what attributes has he got?
00:50:38Half an ounce of snout which he's now given to me, alright?
00:50:41Oh, well, that's...
00:50:42I must say, that's very disappointing, Mr. Bender.
00:50:47Ah.
00:50:48Yes.
00:50:49Well, er...
00:50:50You see, the thing is that, er...
00:50:56Well, I'd say the team would be disappointed.
00:51:03Not many of the chaps in tonight.
00:51:05There never are.
00:51:08Oh, it's a desperate place, is this?
00:51:11The only reason I come here is either this or going home.
00:51:17I'm single myself.
00:51:19I was married.
00:51:21Divorced now.
00:51:22Oh, really?
00:51:25Well, look at it this way.
00:51:26It is better to have loved and lost than to spend your whole ruddy life with her.
00:51:33Same again, Chalky.
00:51:35That was Mr. Bainbridge, their team captain.
00:51:37Bad news, I'm afraid.
00:51:39We've lost David Diddy Hamilton.
00:51:42Oh, dear.
00:51:44We still have the goody, have we?
00:51:46Well, he didn't say we hadn't.
00:51:51No, it's been a good thing for the prison, by and large.
00:51:54They've talked about little else.
00:51:56And there's been a noticeable dropping off of violence of late.
00:52:00Well, apart from Banyard's nose.
00:52:02Yes, I think you have to be commended for this idea.
00:52:06Thank you, Henry.
00:52:07Thank you, Henry.
00:52:14Ah!
00:52:15Welcome to Slade, gentlemen.
00:52:26Our pitch is on the back.
00:52:27Shall we drive on?
00:52:28Good, all right, all right.
00:52:305-1.
00:52:31Yeah, it's all right.
00:52:33And you can drive on.
00:52:34Yeah, it's all right.
00:52:35Yeah, I'll move on.
00:52:36What is your wish?
00:52:37Yeah, it's all good.
00:52:38Oh, come on.
00:52:40Yeah.
00:52:41Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:53:11Well, here's the netball team. Where's the flaming football team?
00:53:36Which one's the goody? I don't recognise any of them.
00:53:41That's all?
00:53:44This is... come on.
00:53:49This is Mr. Bainbridge, who's organised the Showbiz 11.
00:53:52How do you do? Hello. Actually, we're only ten.
00:53:55We were supposed to pick up Tony McCauley at the Mill Hill Roundabout.
00:53:58He's a songwriter. Have you heard of him? No.
00:54:01Oh. Well, he didn't turn up, I'm afraid, which is why we're a bit late.
00:54:05Yes. Well, we'd better get on. As you see, we've no floodlights.
00:54:09Not in the right places, anyway.
00:54:11Mr. Vallecloff, would you see them through?
00:54:13Could we borrow one of your chaps?
00:54:15One of your subs, Fletcher?
00:54:17Well, if you like, so, yeah. But what about Mr. Beale, sir?
00:54:19I mean, he's been saying he plays a bit. He's as keen as mustard is.
00:54:22Yes. I'll have a word with him.
00:54:24Thanks. Thanks a lot.
00:54:26Come on.
00:54:30Forgive me asking, Mr. Mackay, but who the hell are they?
00:54:33I mean, me and the lads was given to understand there will be a sprinkling of celebrities.
00:54:36Know what I mean?
00:54:37Chap with the red hair.
00:54:39Tells the weather on Anglia television.
00:54:41Oh.
00:54:43And there are a pair of skip writers for somebody quite famous.
00:54:46Oh.
00:54:47And Mr. Ben Bridges himself has just finished a pantomime season at Little Hambro, um, Swansea.
00:54:53Oh. Well, I'll tell the lads. They'll be right, chap.
00:55:00Who are they, Fletcher?
00:55:02A weatherman, eight small parts, and a widow twanky. Now, go and get changed, will ya?
00:55:06Oh.
00:55:18Excuse me.
00:55:19Is there a garage nearby?
00:55:21I've got to top the bus up, you see. The lads won't want to stop on the way back.
00:55:24Half a mile down the road, in the village, airsoft station.
00:55:28Just, uh...
00:55:29Ah, good. I'll, uh, I'll nip down later.
00:55:32Right.
00:55:33Well, better get changed.
00:55:36Five minutes.
00:55:37Five minutes.
00:55:38Autograph hunting is here.
00:55:39Autograph hunting is here.
00:55:40Not permitted.
00:55:41Not permitted.
00:55:46You all right, Oxy?
00:55:47Yeah, yeah, I'm all right.
00:55:49All right, lads, settle down now. Settle down. Pay attention.
00:55:51Now, listen, I know you're all very disappointed because they all turned out to be nobodies, right?
00:55:55I know, I know.
00:55:56But the fact remains that they did come all this way to give us a game, right?
00:56:00So, let us give them a game. Let's show them, shall we?
00:56:03But no rough stuff, all right? We don't need that, do we?
00:56:05Eh, what about Mr Beale?
00:56:06Oh, he's all right. You can kick him to kingdom come.
00:56:08No, no, no, but be subtle, right?
00:56:12Oh, never mind.
00:56:13Go on, off you go, then. All of you.
00:56:15Don't forget what I've taught you.
00:56:19And don't forget, whatever happens, don't let them panic you to play football.
00:56:22I don't recognise any of them.
00:56:36I don't know as any of them.
00:57:06Oh!
00:57:22What am I doing bench with that Pillock Oaks on the park?
00:57:24All right, you'll get on some, don't fret. Here.
00:57:27Have a snort of liniment.
00:57:29Now, gentlemen, let's have a good, clean contest.
00:57:33It's not a boxing match, Mr. McCoy.
00:57:35That's what I'm anxious to prevent.
00:57:37Call heads.
00:57:39Right, then. We'll stay as we are.
00:57:41Urquhart.
00:57:45Back it back.
00:57:47Help, help.
00:57:49Back it back.
00:57:51Help, help.
00:57:53Help, help.
00:57:55Afternoon, Mr. Tretaway.
00:57:57Good afternoon, pleasure.
00:57:59How's it going?
00:58:00Well, difficult to tell, sir,
00:58:01seeing as we're only ten seconds into the game.
00:58:03Yes, good dog. All right, dog. No, good dog. Good dog. Good dog.
00:58:09Which of them's the goody?
00:58:11Oh, I don't think he's come, sir,
00:58:13but we have got a weatherman there out on the wing.
00:58:15He says he's going to run away.
00:58:17I don't think he's come, sir,
00:58:19but we have got a weatherman there out on the wing.
00:58:21He says it's going to rain.
00:58:27Oh, look at that.
00:58:28Oh, well played, Slade.
00:58:30Who is that?
00:58:32That's Armstrong, sir.
00:58:33Class player, are you, sir?
00:58:34Oh, yes, he's going out next month.
00:58:36Pity that, if we have another fixture.
00:58:38Yeah, it is a shame, isn't it, sir?
00:58:39He'll be right choked, he will.
00:58:40More games are on the agenda, eh, Mr. Tretaway?
00:58:42Oh, I don't see why not.
00:58:43If this one goes without a hitch, good for morale.
00:58:48What's that noise?
00:58:49Oh, it's nothing, sir.
00:58:50It's just your dog peeing against my bucket.
00:58:52Don't worry about it.
00:58:53Oh, that's not it.
00:58:54Come on, O.T.
00:58:55Get a move on.
00:59:02Are you blind?
00:59:03That came off of him.
00:59:04Oh, sorry, did it?
00:59:05I never touched it.
00:59:06Yes, you did.
00:59:07I didn't.
00:59:08I think there's a message coming through in Semaphore, sir.
00:59:10Look, I happen to be extremely honest.
00:59:11Are you saying I'm not?
00:59:12Well, that's why you're here, isn't it?
00:59:14Really?
00:59:15Yes, that's it.
00:59:16Look.
00:59:17Sink the Bismarck.
00:59:18I know that I may.
00:59:19Yes, Ives?
00:59:20Oh, er, I just thought you might like to know, Mr. Grout, did Slade Prison 1 show up as 11-0?
00:59:35Er, I just thought you might like to know, Mr Grout, it's Slade Prison 1, show up as 11-0.
00:59:40Really?
00:59:41Yeah, a set piece, free kick on the right, Callaghan takes it,
00:59:44rudge volleys, hits Godber on the right cheek, bang, straight into the corner of the net, no chance.
00:59:52Well, you did ask me to keep you informed, Mr Grout.
00:59:55Better get off out there, then.
00:59:57Oh, yeah.
00:59:58Jesus.
00:59:59Jesus.
00:59:59Have you been fried chicken?
01:00:16No, I haven't!
01:00:18Show an example, Fletcher.
01:00:23Hey!
01:00:24I saw that!
01:00:38I'm going to book you for that.
01:00:40What's your name, Cooper?
01:00:44Cooper.
01:00:46Oh, yeah.
01:00:49Oh, jeez.
01:00:50Where's Erza?
01:00:51The ribs!
01:00:52Just here.
01:00:53Oh!
01:00:54Just there, Erza, just there, Mr McCoy.
01:00:55Right, right.
01:00:56Right.
01:00:57Right.
01:00:58Hang on.
01:00:59Is there somewhere I can take a leak?
01:01:00Try the change in them.
01:01:01Oh, tough.
01:01:02Go!
01:01:03Go!
01:01:04Go!
01:01:05Go!
01:01:06Go!
01:01:07Go!
01:01:08Go!
01:01:09Go!
01:01:10Go!
01:01:11Go!
01:01:12Go!
01:01:13Go!
01:01:14Go!
01:01:15Go!
01:01:16Go!
01:01:17Go!
01:01:18Go!
01:01:19Go!
01:01:24You alright?
01:01:25I don't know yet.
01:01:26Go!
01:01:27No!
01:01:28Oh, go!
01:01:29I've only just sat down.
01:01:30Come on.
01:01:31I hope it's nothing trivial, I might get again.
01:01:34Who knew?
01:01:35What's the matter, Roxy?
01:01:36Cartilage, you think!
01:01:37Old trouble, I've had it before!
01:01:38You'll have to get them off, gentlemen.
01:01:39Yeah.
01:01:40I'll help you, Fletch.
01:01:41Come on.
01:01:42Yep.
01:01:43I'll run out.
01:01:44Go on then, Max.
01:01:45Have my light.
01:01:46Of course.
01:01:47I've never touched him, you know.
01:01:54I know, mate. Don't worry about it.
01:02:01Oh, dear.
01:02:03Here, take a little bit. Here.
01:02:06Oh, I'll best fetch the M out of your head.
01:02:08No. You're a painter, John.
01:02:10Yeah, I'll be all right. He knows naff all about orthopedics.
01:02:13I'll just have the early bath.
01:02:15Come on, Flitch. The lads need your strategy.
01:02:17All right, son. All right.
01:02:47Oh, dear.
01:03:01Abelho! Call the kit! Come on!
01:03:04Where are they?
01:03:05How many fingers am I holding up, Godwell?
01:03:13Can't fool me, sir. Five.
01:03:16The lads concussed. Get him off, Fletcher.
01:03:17Oh, dear.
01:03:18Someone go down to the plough and sail and get the ammo, will you?
01:03:21I'll go.
01:03:21Oh, don't be daft. Come on.
01:03:23Right, let's get on.
01:03:25Corner!
01:03:26Let's go kick!
01:03:27Any more of that, Urquhart, and I'll have you for dissension.
01:03:31Not too tight.
01:03:32No, it's all right.
01:03:34Eater, don't forget the specs.
01:03:42What are you hanging apart here for, Jack? Get on the pitch.
01:03:44What?
01:03:45You're substituted, John.
01:03:46Level one go on.
01:03:47Listen, I want your strength up front. Go on.
01:03:49Corner!
01:03:50Yeah, all right, all right, then. Get in here. Come on.
01:03:55Come on.
01:03:57Hey, I'll sit down there. Go on.
01:03:58I'll get some water to bathe your face.
01:04:00No, you won't, Fletcher.
01:04:03Oh, my God.
01:04:04Look, we haven't seen nothing, have we, Len?
01:04:06Seen what?
01:04:07It's your caper, son.
01:04:08I don't want nothing to do with this, right?
01:04:09They saw you come in here, didn't they?
01:04:11You're just gonna sit there till half-time and pretend you didn't notice him?
01:04:14Notice what?
01:04:15You'll have to take him with you.
01:04:16You what?
01:04:17Well, you've got no choice, have you?
01:04:18I don't want you, Sandy. Otherwise, I'll be in it and all.
01:04:20Now, listen, Oxy, I'm not going anywhere, mate.
01:04:22You'll do as you're told, son.
01:04:26Oh, bleed now.
01:04:28In.
01:04:29In.
01:04:30Come on, then. Come on.
01:04:31It's our boy, Mr Mackay. Come off there, man. Corner.
01:04:33Yeah, yes. He knows stuff he does. He's got amnesia, he has.
01:04:35Come on. Get on with it.
01:04:37Get on with it.
01:04:39Get on with it, man.
01:05:01Right. Shift.
01:05:02Yeah, all right, all right.
01:05:05Yeah, all right, all right.
01:05:18You're joking, Ossie.
01:05:19I'm warning you, Fletcher, get him. Get him!
01:05:21Come on, Slade, take no prisoners.
01:05:32Come on, Slade!
01:05:39Oh, come on!
01:05:40Fuck!
01:05:50Hold it, driver!
01:05:53Tunnel to being taken.
01:05:58Go to your left.
01:06:02I don't know.
01:06:03There are!
01:06:04Get over!
01:06:05Get over!
01:06:06Get over!
01:06:07Get over!
01:06:08Get over!
01:06:09Get over!
01:06:10Get over!
01:06:11Get over!
01:06:12On to go!
01:06:13Mr. Cox!
01:06:14Open the gates!
01:06:20Can you go just to...
01:06:21Get up!
01:06:22Get up!
01:06:23Get up!
01:06:24Jesus!
01:06:25Get up!
01:06:27Oh shoot!
01:06:29financier
01:06:34f�g
01:06:36figg
01:06:41set
01:06:44show
01:06:45MUSIC
01:06:59Everything all right? Who's the bit?
01:07:01My sister-in-law. She ain't. What's she doing here?
01:07:03It's more a natural married couple, Tory. This town of here...
01:07:06Oh, come on. Hang on a minute.
01:07:08Tell us how you bought a bleeding suitcase.
01:07:10Give up, Mr. Stupid. Come on, Fletcher.
01:07:12Come on. I wasn't told about this.
01:07:15Come on.
01:07:21I wasn't told about this.
01:07:22Shut up.
01:07:23Hold it.
01:07:24Don't look at me.
01:07:25Look, Fletcher, woman.
01:07:26Yeah, all right, all right. Get in there.
01:07:42What's the hurry, Mr. Butterclaw?
01:07:45I'm dying for a Jimmy Riddle.
01:07:47Jimmy Clancy.
01:07:48Yeah, lads.
01:07:49Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
01:07:51Get out.
01:07:52Well, don't look at me, lads. Is he living in the team?
01:07:55Only one of us let the ball through his legs, though.
01:07:57Yeah, where's Fletcher?
01:07:58Probably knackered.
01:07:59Oh, it's not like Fletcher to Mrs. Orange.
01:08:01Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
01:08:02Jolly good, close game.
01:08:03Your chaps were unlucky not to equalize.
01:08:05Where's Fletch? Probably knackered.
01:08:07Oh, it's not like Fletch to Mrs. Orange.
01:08:28Jolly good, close game. Your chaps were unlucky not to equalise.
01:08:31Not my chaps. I'm strictly impartial.
01:08:33Young Budge was playing rather well.
01:08:37Rudd, sir.
01:08:38That's what I said.
01:08:39Any word on the walking wounded in there?
01:08:42Mr. Mackay.
01:08:43Just a moment, Henry.
01:08:44Yes, but you see...
01:08:45I'm talking to the governor, Mr. Veraclap.
01:08:48Yes, but there's something I think you ought to know.
01:08:56Cheer up, Fletch. I've done you a favour, son.
01:08:59We're free and clear.
01:09:02You think they haven't blocked the roads?
01:09:04We're going north.
01:09:05We're going to Scotland.
01:09:07Never figure on that, will they?
01:09:08Eh?
01:09:08Never figure on Dumfries.
01:09:10Dumfries.
01:09:11Queen of the South there, team.
01:09:13Scottish League Division B, as was.
01:09:16Dumfries, nil.
01:09:17Hamilton Academicals, one.
01:09:19Is he all right?
01:09:20He banged his head on the goalpost.
01:09:22At least he's oblivious to this fiasco.
01:09:24Johnston, two.
01:09:25Stenhouse Muir, nil.
01:09:26Yeah, all right. Leave it out there.
01:09:27Leave it out.
01:09:28What do you mean, fiasco?
01:09:29Sweet as a nut, this is.
01:09:32Listen, Oxy, you've obviously got good reason for doing something this drastic.
01:09:35Me, I've got under a year to go and the lad even less.
01:09:37You're doing us no favours, Oxy.
01:09:39I mean, I haven't got the money for plastic surgery and a first-class ticket to Acapulco,
01:09:43right?
01:09:43And I certainly do not relish wintering in Dumfries.
01:09:47Do you know, I'm very upset you'll feel that way, Fletch.
01:09:49Oh, yeah.
01:09:50But I had to bring you.
01:09:51You can see that, can't you?
01:09:51You don't have to bring us no further.
01:09:53Do you dump us?
01:09:53God knows we're in the middle of nowhere.
01:09:55You know about Dumfries.
01:09:57Look, I don't know nothing, son.
01:09:59It's still them and us, remember?
01:10:08On your way, then.
01:10:09Yeah.
01:10:10See you, Oxy.
01:10:11I hope not.
01:10:19We're out.
01:10:20Yeah, I know, son.
01:10:23Come on.
01:10:31Yes, yes, I'll wait.
01:10:33Ah, everything's in hand, sir.
01:10:36They won't get far.
01:10:37Police have been informed of four counties, road checks,
01:10:39and all major roads south and east.
01:10:40The local police are looking for the coach,
01:10:43and I'm detailing some of our men to help them, sir.
01:10:45And I'm having to ring the home office.
01:10:47Oh.
01:10:47Oh, indeed, Mr. Mackay.
01:10:50I shan't forget this football match was your suggestion.
01:10:53Mine, sir?
01:10:54Oh, no, sir, no.
01:10:55No, no, sir, let us be fair.
01:10:57The idea came from Mr. Beale.
01:10:59Did it?
01:11:00Oh, sorry.
01:11:02Look, I know you've got other things on your mind,
01:11:04but without the coach,
01:11:05how am I going to get my chaps back to lunch?
01:11:07Hello.
01:11:09Would you mind, sir?
01:11:11Tread away.
01:11:13Slain.
01:11:13You all right, Len?
01:11:32I think so.
01:11:33Oh, good.
01:11:33Because we're both going to need clear heads
01:11:35if we're going to get ourselves out of this mess, you know.
01:11:38Here.
01:11:38Stick some of these in your pockets, go on.
01:11:42What for?
01:11:42Sustenance, son, sustenance.
01:11:44We might be out all night in this, you know.
01:11:46God, he's really dropped us right in the class he has.
01:11:49It wasn't our fault.
01:11:50It wasn't us who went over the war.
01:11:51I know, but the screws don't know that, do they?
01:11:54I mean, they've had a conf lab by now, weren't they?
01:11:56Whose idea was this football match?
01:11:57Fletcher's, sir?
01:11:58Oh, yes, really, very nice.
01:11:59And they'll put two and two together and make three.
01:12:01Three?
01:12:02Three years.
01:12:03That's why we can't let them catch us.
01:12:05Can't go down the village and give ourselves up to the law.
01:12:07We can't do that.
01:12:08They wouldn't let us get a word in each ways.
01:12:10I mean, some local Bobby's not going to pass up the chance
01:12:12of capturing us single-handed, is he?
01:12:15Commendation for him.
01:12:15Another notch on his truncheon, innit?
01:12:19What are we going to do?
01:12:21Well, actually, I've got the perfect solution.
01:12:23What?
01:12:25We're going to break back in.
01:12:27Yeah, I know.
01:12:28Come on.
01:12:31Hey, why don't we nick a chicken?
01:12:33Don't be silly.
01:12:34It's Wednesday afternoon.
01:12:34Where do we get sage and onion stuffing, eh?
01:12:37You close.
01:13:02Oi!
01:13:04Come back here!
01:13:05Nymphs and shepherds gone away
01:13:27Nymphs and shepherds gone away
01:13:32Hey Fletch what how'd you know we're going the right way by the Sun
01:14:02What are you going to do this now?
01:14:08All right
01:14:10Now you can do this now
01:14:13I'm going to put it in a bowl
01:14:16I'm going to put it in a bowl
01:14:20And I'm going to put it in a bowl
01:14:24And you can put it in a bowl
01:14:28Oh, my God.
01:14:30I'm going to charge you all for it.
01:14:33How are you?
01:14:34Hey, I'm going to do it.
01:14:37I'm going to die.
01:14:38You're welcome.
01:14:39And now I need to go.
01:14:40I'm going to do it again.
01:14:41I'm going to die again.
01:14:42I need to get a new one.
01:14:43You're welcome.
01:14:44This bag, you're welcome.
01:14:45Here I am.
01:14:46Here I am.
01:14:47Yes, sir.
01:14:48The laundry is ready.
01:14:50I'm going all right.
01:14:52It's like this bag.
01:14:53You're up.
01:14:54Here I am.
01:14:55I put it on.
01:14:56I'm on it.
01:14:57It's like it.
01:14:58oh excuse me can you tell me what's going on no one else seems to know we're going to miss our
01:15:09train if we don't leave soon oh I'm sorry but the police want statements from all of you you see
01:15:14this this whole job could all have been worked out in advance I bet if we brought Michael Parkinson
01:15:20all the goodies you wouldn't have held them for questioning probably not but of course you didn't
01:15:26did you oh dear I told you it'd be dodgy
01:15:40come on come on don't flag jab jab the big one next week's off
01:15:56who was that couple of escaped convicts oh
01:16:01oh flesh leave the bell alone yeah I suppose you're right old habits die hard
01:16:11might as well give him this back and all
01:16:14you just won't admit it we're lost
01:16:27it's gonna be dark soon could have to sleep rough it's gonna be a frost in the night it's all right
01:16:32for some of us some of us have got long trousers
01:16:34what is it
01:16:36I heard something
01:16:38thank you Iowatha
01:16:43Iowatha didn't wear football boots did she
01:16:46he
01:16:46shh get out
01:16:48what is it
01:16:51cops
01:16:54cops you mean like a wooded glade
01:16:57yeah wooded glade crawling with pleading cops
01:17:00mackay slade prison any development sergeant nothing we'll be long gone by now did you check the ground for tire tracks or the getaway vehicle do you know we never thought of that oh I didn't mean to imply yes well if you did your job as well as us they wouldn't be out now would they this is not an everyday occurrence
01:17:18you know you'd expect one odd con to tunnel out or go over the wall on a rope ladder but three of them driving out in a bus what about the coach it's all yours we're finished with it
01:17:46mr. collinson you get back to the prison I will drive the coach with mr. miller
01:18:05are you sure you can drive this thing sir
01:18:14it's this
01:18:16no bother at all
01:18:18all right
01:18:31come on
01:18:32clutch
01:18:34clutch
01:18:38clutch
01:18:39clutch
01:18:40right come straight back as you are
01:18:44that's it come on
01:18:49keep coming mr. mackay come on straight back
01:18:53all right mike
01:18:54all right you clear there
01:19:03oh it's you mr. mackay yes it's me laddie and if you'd have been half awake earlier this would never have happened yes sir
01:19:10oh it's you mr. mackay yes it's me laddie and if you'd have been half awake earlier this would never have happened yes sir
01:19:24it's cold if they're out in the open it'll freeze the brass monkeys off I hope so mr. miller I hope so
01:19:42mr. miller I hope so
01:19:52it's just like the wooden horse
01:20:09It's just like the wooden horse.
01:20:36What wooden horse?
01:20:39The Greeks and the Trojans.
01:20:42That's how the Greeks got into Troy.
01:20:44Would you mind saving the history lesson till we get back into our flowery doll?
01:20:48How are you going to manage that?
01:20:50Have I ever let you down?
01:20:52No.
01:20:53Well, I might now.
01:20:55Let's go.
01:21:07Freeze!
01:21:08I'm freezing already.
01:21:09What's this?
01:21:10Come on, give us a hand.
01:21:12What's this?
01:21:13Come on, give us a hand.
01:21:15What's this?
01:21:16Come on, give us a hand.
01:21:18Come on, give us a hand.
01:21:19Come on, give us a hand.
01:21:20Come on, give us a hand.
01:21:21Come on.
01:21:22Come on.
01:21:23Come on, give us a hand.
01:21:24Come on, give us a hand.
01:21:25Come on, give us a hand.
01:21:26Come on.
01:21:27Come on.
01:21:28Come on.
01:21:29Come on, give us a hand.
01:21:30Come on.
01:21:31Come on, give us a hand.
01:21:32but it's half past eight the club should be open I didn't open up I don't know the
01:21:41circumstances I thought nobody would be here yes well in the circumstances I
01:21:46need a drink more than most evenings what'll it be mr. Berkhoff? oh something
01:21:52to keep out the cold. yeah it's bitter that. it's bitter him. make those two
01:21:57large ones will you? you know I'm surprised that Fletcher and God were going
01:22:02over. surprised and disappointed. you will never learn will you mr. Berkhoff? you
01:22:08can't judge these people by our standards of decency and behavior. they're the
01:22:12dregs of society what was that?
01:22:20it's coming from the store-up. yeah. it's locked. of course it's locked. that's where I
01:22:31keep all the booze. give me the keys. oh thank God mr. McKay. saved at last. where are we? who is it?
01:22:41don't worry then. our ordeal is over.
01:22:49you're saying that Oaks forced you down the delivery hatch? at gunpoint sir. yeah well
01:22:56he had to do something you see otherwise we would have blown the whistle on him
01:22:59sir. you see we would have gone and seen mr. McKay who happened to have the whistle at
01:23:03the time. it's no laughing matter Fletcher. the man's been drinking sir. well I had to
01:23:08say it was only medicinal sir. he was perishing down there. the audacity of it.
01:23:12prisoners in the prison officers club. that was a very shrewd move on Oaks' part sir.
01:23:18I don't follow you. he knew it was the one place where you'd never find a prison
01:23:25officer.
01:23:27there'll be one or two red faces in the governor's office this morning.
01:23:40oh yeah. king please. oh dear dear. they put it out on BBC last night.
01:23:44three prisoners escaped from Slade prison. this morning they've got to say sorry we only meant one.
01:23:50make some looters if I can't count to them.
01:23:53great Fletcher.
01:23:56oh oh hello mr. grouty sir.
01:23:59there'll be something for you in your christmas stocking Fletcher.
01:24:03oh oh thank you sir. I'll look forward to that son.
01:24:05carry on.
01:24:08what did you mean by that Fletch?
01:24:14oh it's all right. I got them some millet for their lovebirds you know.
01:24:17I didn't know samson and dillard are that millet.
01:24:20the cage bird you stupid little nurk.
01:24:23oh dear.
01:24:27I don't know why you kowtow to that man grout.
01:24:30I know you don't mr. banyard. that's why your nose looks like it does.
01:24:33oh dear.
01:24:39hey Fletch.
01:24:40what all right you are.
01:24:41am i?
01:24:42yeah you use your head.
01:24:43all you've got in here ain't something.
01:24:45I'm learning that.
01:24:45good.
01:24:46okay here's today's lucky horoscope for Taurus the Bull.
01:24:51romantic inclinations may cause you one direction but cool common sense will be urging you to follow another course.
01:25:03everybody's been asking me today what really happened.
01:25:07oh yeah.
01:25:09you'd be amazed at some of the theories people have come out with.
01:25:13still you're all right.
01:25:16all adds fuel to the Fletcher legend.
01:25:18what's the matter with you?
01:25:19well we're still in this cell aren't we while hoax is Ardy Kruger.
01:25:22Ardy Kruger?
01:25:24the one that got away.
01:25:26film starring Ardy Kruger.
01:25:30well i shouldn't worry about it before too long he's gonna be googie with us again.
01:25:34googie with us within these walls.
01:25:41maybe not maybe he got abroad.
01:25:44he'll hate it.
01:25:45they always do.
01:25:46i mean you can't sit in the sun for the rest of your life can you?
01:25:50before too long he'll get homesick about halifax or wherever he lives.
01:25:55he'll miss kippers or custard.
01:25:57wildcat strikes.
01:26:00maybe.
01:26:03look then.
01:26:04why don't you bide your time eh?
01:26:06i mean you'll soon be off out of here won't you?
01:26:08free and clear.
01:26:09and you won't be looking over your shoulder all the time.
01:26:12you won't be listening out for every creek on the stair will you?
01:26:15you won't be looking over your shoulder all the time.
01:26:17yeah.
01:26:18yeah you're right Fletcher.
01:26:19i just wasn't thinking straight.
01:26:21fresh air must have gone to me head.
01:26:22stund.
01:26:24evening mr mackay.
01:26:25i won't buy it Fletcher.
01:26:30oh that's just as well sir because it ain't for sale.
01:26:31you know to what i am referring the governor may believe your story but the governor does not walk these floors.
01:26:40i was in the village today.
01:26:49some peculiar reports.
01:26:51sightings you might say.
01:26:52oh yeah ufos you mean sir?
01:26:54oh yes.
01:26:56unidentified fleeing objects.
01:26:59a boxer in shorts with his trainer.
01:27:00a sexton's missing bicycle.
01:27:03a farmer sees two thieves running from his apple store.
01:27:05now i can't prove you wrote Fletcher.
01:27:10god but.
01:27:10but mark my words.
01:27:14my day will come.
01:27:36made a wrong turn at 17.
01:27:40took me down a one-way street.
01:27:42i should have listened to my head and turned right round.
01:27:46instead i just followed my fleet.
01:27:50i thought i was headed in the right direction.
01:27:54but it was downhill all the way.
01:27:57oh sooner or later the man's gonna take you.
01:28:01turn on the key and lock you away.
01:28:06but it's gonna be all right.
01:28:10it's coming out good.
01:28:13it's gonna be all right.
01:28:16i'm changing my ways and turning the tide.
01:28:22there's a piece of me that no one can take.
01:28:26and it's locked up in my head.
01:28:29and i've got the key and it keeps me free.
01:28:32inside
01:28:35i never gave you no hard luck stories.
01:28:50never gave you no alibis.
01:28:54if your hand's in the hat and you pull out a ticket.
01:28:58don't mean you take the prize.
01:29:01i know i was heading in the wrong direction.
01:29:05but a man can change his ways.
01:29:08oh sooner or later time's gonna make a count up the cost and count up the days.
01:29:15and count up the days.
01:29:18but it's gonna be all right.
01:29:20it's coming out good.
01:29:23it's gonna be all right.
01:29:26i'm changing my ways and turning the tide.
01:29:30there's a piece of me that no one can take.
01:29:34it's a piece of me that no one can take.
01:29:38and it's locked up in my head.
01:29:41and i've got the key and it keeps me free.
01:29:44inside.
01:29:45inside.
01:29:46inside.
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