- 6 months ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Intellectual Comedians!
00:10I don't like that Joseph William Mallard bloody turner neither.
00:13Paintings remind me of a visual bloody stock housing.
00:16That's the way I hypothesize them!
00:19I want to have these two, eh, a priori philosophers in the pub
00:23and, eh, one says, you know, what do you think of that shopping hour?
00:27It's just, well, I didn't pick up too many baggage.
00:30You like my soup flower, do you?
00:33Think it makes me look like Kyle Marks?
00:36They seem a bit like Kyle Marks, actually, which is true.
00:39I make vast generalizations, I tell people out to rule the planet
00:42and I get my best friend to pay all my bills for me.
00:45It's too shitey smell to be d***s walking to a pub
00:48and the guy says, get the f*** out of here with that, I'll get you a f***!
00:57I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll get you a f***!"
02:01Oh, so far, we've blown up his bowler hat and part of his ass.
02:25It's a minimum loss of brain cells.
02:29I'll be happy to take any questions I can at this time.
02:33Sir, have there been any more vitriolic attacks on Muriel Gray,
02:37either in the form of diatribe or simulating gestures of violence?
02:41Well, I wouldn't like to speculate, but I can say this.
02:44We've blown up his bowler hat and part of his ass.
02:51Have there been any more scud books thrown at Stephen Fry or Hugh Laurie?
02:54I can't comment in the interest of national security, but I will say this.
03:00We've blown up his bowler hat and part of his ass.
03:05Sir, do you have any filmed footage of the attacks on either side?
03:11Yes.
03:11We've blown up his bowler hat.
03:13Yes, we do have filmed footage.
03:19This was taken less than 12 hours ago in a studio in Birmingham.
03:25As you can see, he's blown up his bowler hat and part of his ass.
03:30Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
03:44My name is Felicity Kendall.
03:46I'm 95 years of age.
03:46I'm a stockbroker by trade.
03:47My hobbies include golf, strangling cheese, masturbating elephants,
03:50quoting Monty Python, doing Kate Bush impressions and shouting
03:53Miss Guatemala in a high-pitched Welsh accent.
03:55My best friend is a tree.
03:56My husband uses me as a Tampax.
03:58This morning, I set fire for 17 Milton and a Pope,
04:00not counting Barbara Woodhouse,
04:01who is, of course, a K.Y. Jelly substitute.
04:03And I can't tell you my second name
04:04because that's just too stupid to mention.
04:06It is, in fact, Sadowitz, my second name.
04:11Sadowitz.
04:11What a crappy, pathetic name that is.
04:13Why do my parents not just call me?
04:16You know, something you can spell, you understand?
04:19See, if you're born with a really crappy name,
04:21that is you screwed up for the rest of your life.
04:23For example, if you're born with the name Fred,
04:25it means you are going to be overweight, right?
04:28You never, ever see a skinny Fred.
04:29It's always fat Fred, you know?
04:31You've seen Fred lately.
04:32Which Fred's that?
04:33Oh, fat Fred!
04:34Incredibly huge.
04:35Fat Fred!
04:36All Freds are fat, right?
04:38People called Clive are usually sweaty, greasy types, you know?
04:41And Clive's all kind of like wee toutled hair
04:43and they kind of walk about, you know?
04:45All kind of sweaty and that.
04:46People called Margaret are usually female.
04:48You know, it's that.
04:48And people called David, for some obscure reason,
04:53are boring bastards when he's done it.
04:57It's an uncanny quirk of fate, but it's true.
05:00All Davids have black hair and glasses, right?
05:03That's what they do for a living.
05:04They go, oh, I'm still studying.
05:06You know, like home economics or computer programming
05:08is usually our favourite, you know?
05:10All Davids have glasses.
05:11If you know about David that doesn't wear glasses,
05:13he's lying.
05:15Check his hands, he's probably a Clive,
05:17you know what I mean?
05:18And what have we got here, ladies and gentlemen?
05:20The classic yellow handkerchief
05:22of the anus illusion.
05:25Okay, yellow handkerchief goes up the arse,
05:28ladies and gentlemen.
05:29And two blue handkerchiefs,
05:32two blue handkerchiefs,
05:33which we tie with a single knot,
05:34as you can see, ladies and gentlemen.
05:40All my friends think I'm a lunatic,
05:41but it isn't true.
05:42I don't have any friends.
05:43I can assure you.
05:54Thank you very much for that one.
05:59And as you can see,
06:00as you can see,
06:01the yellow handkerchief is not stained
06:03in any way at all.
06:05Now, the thing about me is that
06:06I actually come from a mixed background.
06:08My mother's Scottish,
06:09my father's a 1.5-litre bottle of Diet Pepsi.
06:13And I had a very tough upbringing.
06:15When I was in my mother's womb,
06:16not only did she smoke during pregnancy,
06:18but she sent me out for the fags and all.
06:2220 be an inch!
06:23So, holding back the change, eh?
06:30Back to the shop and get it!
06:31I have a couple of other things
06:33on the King's Cross right now
06:34buying drugs of a prostitute.
06:36If she knew I was on the BBC,
06:37she'd kill me, ladies and gentlemen.
06:38I'm actually meant to be in London tonight
06:41doing a benefit gig for Ethiopians,
06:42but there you go,
06:4320 quid, 20 quid,
06:44you can't knock that back.
06:47I would never do a benefit gig,
06:48by the way,
06:48for Ethiopians on principle
06:49because I believe
06:51if we start giving them money for food,
06:52the next thing you know,
06:53they won't include.
06:55And where does it all end, ladies and gentlemen?
06:57Where does it all end?
06:59Comic relief.
06:59I don't like benefit gigs at all, you know.
07:01Comic relief.
07:01My idea of comic relief
07:03is switching Victoria Wood
07:04off, ladies and gentlemen.
07:06She comes out with observations
07:08that she sings.
07:09She's taking that step further.
07:10She sings them.
07:11She goes,
07:11Ladies, when you're in a grocery shop,
07:13the milk is always at the back, isn't it?
07:14Well, so what?
07:16And I've written a song about it as well.
07:18Oh, the milk is always at the back.
07:20They keep it on a special ride.
07:23Piss off!
07:26I've got a theory
07:27why Ben Elton doesn't tell
07:28Irish jokes and racist jokes.
07:30I think it's because
07:30he doesn't actually know any, you know.
07:31what I mean?
07:33You should write to me
07:33for the catalogue, you know what I mean?
07:35So, what a lovely stage
07:37this is, ladies and gentlemen.
07:37What a pity to waste it
07:38on a total prat like me.
07:40But we have wonderful special effects.
07:41Just look at this.
07:44Fantastic.
07:46No expense spared
07:47on this show.
07:48Okay.
07:49A quick tribute
07:50to the late, great Tommy Cooper.
07:52You're a rabbit.
07:54What happened?
07:55You're a rabbit.
07:56Huh.
08:02Jing, that's sick.
08:04That's sick.
08:06I could have been dead there,
08:07really, in real life,
08:08and nowhere in that studio audience
08:09got to help it.
08:11Okay, I was walking down the street
08:13the other day
08:13wearing my pink,
08:14pink kind of polka dot bikini
08:16and going,
08:17and wearing my
08:19don't take drugs ever badge.
08:21When,
08:21when suddenly I was approached
08:23by this half-dead,
08:24one-eyed slug
08:25trailing puss and slime
08:26at the side of his mouth, right?
08:28Really, the scout,
08:28oh, yellow.
08:29I think he said his name
08:30was Paul Daniels, actually.
08:31Anyway,
08:32he came up to me,
08:32he said,
08:33my name is Paul Daniels.
08:33It was Paul Daniels,
08:34it was Paul Daniels,
08:34it was Paul Daniels.
08:35He came up and said,
08:36I've got a trick for the show.
08:36He said,
08:37well, go ahead, Paul,
08:37because we're on first name,
08:38terms, right,
08:38brilliant magician,
08:39I know, of course,
08:40show business,
08:40and all that kind of crap.
08:41So he said,
08:41I've got here
08:41one, two, three, four, five, six
08:44playing cards,
08:45and if I throw away
08:46one, two, three of them like that,
08:47count them again,
08:48it's still one, two, three, four, five, six.
08:50He said,
08:50it's incredible.
08:51I said,
08:51you must do that trick again.
08:52He said,
08:52no, I can't do it again
08:53because I'm a magician
08:54and I'm not allowed
08:54to repeat a trick.
08:55I said,
08:55no, no, I'll do it again,
08:56otherwise I'll kick your head in.
08:58So he said,
08:59he said,
08:59I'll compromise,
09:00I'll compromise,
09:01I'll do the trick again.
09:02So he threw away
09:04one, two, three cards like that.
09:05When he counted them again,
09:06there's still one, two, three, four, five, six.
09:08I said,
09:08that's brilliant.
09:09I said,
09:09where did you get that pole trick?
09:10That pole trick,
09:11that prick pole,
09:12tall,
09:13card trick that you do there.
09:15So he direct me
09:15into this magic shop in London
09:17and I went in and I said,
09:18excuse me, dear,
09:18do you have the trick
09:19with the one, two, three, four, five,
09:21six playing cards
09:22and then you throw away
09:23one, two, three,
09:24and like that.
09:25Kept them again,
09:25there's still one, two, three,
09:26four, five, six.
09:27I said,
09:28yes,
09:28but it costs £10 each.
09:29I said,
09:30well, give me five sets of them
09:30for nothing.
09:31He said,
09:31I can't do that.
09:32I said,
09:32of course you can.
09:33I've got a gun pointed at your head.
09:36So that's from my lucky day
09:37because she ran out of the shop
09:38screaming,
09:38let me take anything I want to,
09:39you know.
09:40I took money as well.
09:41Okay.
09:41So,
09:42and I have the trick,
09:43ladies and gentlemen,
09:43I like to show you
09:43the same way as Paul Daniels
09:45did it on the TV
09:45that day that I remember it.
09:46Okay.
09:47So here we go.
09:48Here we go.
09:50My name is Paul Daniels
09:52and I've got you
09:53one, two, three, four.
09:56Hang on a second,
09:57ladies and gentlemen,
09:57hang on a second.
09:57Let's get this impression
09:58absolutely accurate.
09:59Get the wig on for a start.
10:00Get the wig on for a start.
10:02Okay.
10:03I think that's it.
10:03Okay.
10:04Now, here we go.
10:05Okay.
10:05Now, here we go.
10:07I've got you
10:08one, two, three, four.
10:11Hang on a second, ladies and gentlemen.
10:12Hang on a second.
10:12Just to get this impression
10:13absolutely accurate.
10:15You know,
10:15Leonardo da Vinci said
10:16that details make perfection
10:17and I actually believe that sincerely.
10:19So,
10:19just in case,
10:21just in case
10:22people at the back there
10:23that can't understand
10:24who I'm doing
10:24because they can't see it properly.
10:25Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.
10:27The classic wand
10:28through the ball of the hat.
10:29That should be lovely.
10:29Okay, here we go.
10:31Oh, I think we'll just
10:31add on the
10:32add on the obligatory
10:33plastic red nose.
10:34Okay.
10:34So, here we go.
10:35And here we go.
10:38My name is
10:39Paul Daniel.
10:40Get off for Christy.
10:41And here we go.
10:43One, two, three,
10:45four, five.
10:46Take bow and go.
10:48And I throw away
10:48one, two, three.
10:50Can't be getting this little
10:51one, two, three,
10:53four, five.
10:54And that's tragic.
10:55Ladies and gentlemen,
10:56thank you very much.
11:02Inside this box
11:03is every swear word
11:04that I was not allowed
11:05to use on this TV series.
11:07Piss off!
11:08I must let it out there.
11:10Okay, watch this.
11:1785 quid?
11:18You said it.
11:21How to annoy a small child.
11:23Hey, little boy,
11:24would you like this balloon doggy?
11:26I'll bet you it would.
11:26I'll probably get letters
11:31of complaint
11:32from the balloon
11:32Animal Liberation Front,
11:33you know what I mean?
11:36Okay, now,
11:37I believe this week
11:38somebody really does
11:39have a birthday.
11:40Is that right?
11:41I was going to do
11:42the rabbit check tonight,
11:43ladies and gentlemen,
11:43but unfortunately
11:44I can't find the rabbit.
11:46So, if you do see a rabbit,
11:48do call out,
11:49won't you, children?
11:54I'd rather make an arse of myself
11:55on TV than be a child
11:56even to entertain
11:57or any day,
11:57do we?
11:59Or is that non-racist
12:00magic wand again?
12:01Okay, here we go.
12:03Thank you very much.
12:04The torn and restored
12:06newspaper trick.
12:25Aye, thank you.
12:26Move it right along.
12:29The classic bottle
12:31trick line is drumming.
12:31Here we go.
12:32Bottle.
12:33Glass.
12:35Glass.
12:36Bottle.
12:37I actually couldn't,
12:38I couldn't afford a glass,
12:39but I can always afford
12:40a bottle,
12:41you know what I mean?
12:42So,
12:43glass.
12:44Bottle.
12:45Bottle.
12:46Bottle.
12:46Oh, Christ.
12:47Bottle.
12:48Bottle.
12:49Bottle.
12:50Bottle.
12:51Bottle.
12:52Bottle.
12:53Bottle.
12:53Oh, my God.
12:55Bottle.
12:57Bottle.
12:58Bottle.
12:58Bottle.
12:59Bottle.
13:00Bottle.
13:01Bottle.
13:01Bottle.
13:02Ah, fuck.
13:03Get it.
13:04Bottle.
13:04Get it.
13:04Bottle.
13:04Bottle.
13:07Tricks like that
13:07got me thrown into
13:08the magic circle
13:09many years ago,
13:09you know what I mean?
13:10Let's do it.
13:11I don't want you
13:12to get the wrong idea
13:12about me, actually.
13:13I don't actually
13:13hate everything, okay?
13:15I only hate two things,
13:16living things and objects.
13:19And miscellaneous,
13:20in case I miss anything out,
13:21you know?
13:22I used to like jaffa cakes
13:23until I discovered
13:24that the smashing orangey bit
13:25in the middle
13:26is actually the clicknet earwax
13:27of the McVitie family,
13:28you know what I mean?
13:32Another thing I can't stand
13:33is inanimate objects.
13:35Now, you can call me paranoid
13:36if you want.
13:37I mean, I know you all think
13:37I am paranoid, you know?
13:39I'm not actually paranoid,
13:40but you all think
13:40I am, you know what I mean?
13:42I believe that inanimate objects
13:44are actually totally animate,
13:45right?
13:45I do believe they actually
13:46move around, right?
13:47You know, I have that experience
13:48when you're coming home,
13:49you're trying to find your keys
13:50and it's freezing cold,
13:51it's raining and all that.
13:52You can't find them,
13:52but you know you always
13:53keep the keys in the same pocket,
13:54right?
13:55And it always ends up in,
13:56like, your sock
13:57or something like that,
13:58you know?
13:58And some smarter
13:59is going to you and goes,
14:00well, of course,
14:01it's bound to be
14:01in the last pocket you look in
14:02because the thing you find it in
14:03is always the last pocket
14:04and you think,
14:05don't give me that,
14:06you smarter bastards!
14:10And it's the same with cigarettes,
14:11you know, you go in
14:11the whole moment, right?
14:12You go, I can't find the cigarettes,
14:13you know?
14:14And what's actually happening,
14:15I believe,
14:15is that the cigarettes
14:16and the keys are in the toilet,
14:17right?
14:18And the keys are actually
14:19smoking the bloody facts,
14:20you know?
14:21Having a good bloody laugh
14:23at your expense,
14:23you know what I mean?
14:24Okay, let's go in
14:25the classic Hindu bag of mystery.
14:29Where am I?
14:30Thank you very much indeed.
14:33I'm actually,
14:34I do have a reputation
14:35of being a very disgusting
14:35and offensive comedian.
14:36Apparently,
14:37deaf, dumb, blind people
14:37think I'm shit too.
14:39I believe that abortion
14:39should not only be legal,
14:41but compulsory!
14:44Not only for women,
14:45but for men as well,
14:46you know what I mean?
14:47I believe that there's
14:48not one piece of turf
14:49on this planet
14:49that's worth killing
14:50anybody for,
14:51you know?
14:51I mean,
14:51if I was Prime Minister,
14:52I'm not only going to give
14:53Ireland back to the Irish,
14:54but I'd give them
14:55Sheffield as well,
14:56you know what I mean?
14:57Bloody cutler.
14:59Before you go,
15:00do you want Cornwall?
15:01Have that for free!
15:03So, anyway,
15:03here we go,
15:04ladies and gentlemen,
15:04with the classic
15:05Hindu bag of mystery.
15:06Now,
15:06I could be wearing
15:06one of the following
15:07pairs of underwear,
15:08ladies and gentlemen,
15:09this evening.
15:10Could be this,
15:10could be this lovely
15:12green pair,
15:12okay,
15:12could be the green pair,
15:13or it could very well
15:15be this,
15:16oh,
15:16the lining,
15:17or it could be
15:18this purple pair,
15:19or it could well be
15:20this Max and Sparks
15:22stripy 1.50 number,
15:24or,
15:25of course,
15:26it could be,
15:26if I can find it,
15:27this lovely red pair,
15:29ladies and gentlemen.
15:29So,
15:30what I'm going to do
15:30is I'm going to mix up
15:31the pairs of underwear
15:32like that,
15:32okay,
15:33and I'm going to go
15:34into the audience
15:34and get somebody
15:35to pick a pair of underwear
15:36out of this bag.
15:38Right,
15:39now,
15:39unfortunately,
15:40it's got to be a woman
15:40because they hate me already,
15:42you know,
15:42I can't offend them
15:43any more than I have done,
15:44really,
15:45you know.
15:46How do you give a woman
15:46an orgasm?
15:47Who cares?
15:49I try to be non-sexist,
15:51right,
15:51but my knob isn't,
15:52you know.
15:53My mouse is trying to be
15:53ideologically sound all the time,
15:54like,
15:55what do you think of the ozone layer?
15:56I'm very concerned about it
15:57and what do you do for a living?
15:58But my knob's going,
15:58oh,
15:59say,
15:59can you see?
16:02I don't understand
16:06why women are always
16:06so miserable
16:07most of the time,
16:08you know,
16:08and the more good looking
16:09they are,
16:09the more miserable they are,
16:10you know.
16:11You see them at bus stops
16:12with this kind of expression,
16:13kind of,
16:13why are women
16:15so miserable all the time?
16:17And you can't have
16:17a period every day,
16:18surely?
16:22I'm actually,
16:22I'm actually
16:23a bisexual necrophiliac.
16:25I'll shag anything,
16:26it doesn't move.
16:28And,
16:29I used to think
16:30I was great in bed
16:31until I discovered
16:31that all my girlfriends
16:32suffer from asthma.
16:37Actually,
16:38this chick's shy,
16:40by the way,
16:41I'm not even going to bother
16:41doing it,
16:41I actually started
16:44going out with a girl
16:45which I thought
16:45was a vegetarian,
16:46which is a real pain
16:47because it means
16:47I'm never going to get
16:48oral sex off her,
16:49you know.
16:51I didn't.
16:53What do you know?
16:54Let's change this
16:56over slightly.
16:56One of the difficult
16:57things between men
16:58and women,
16:59right,
16:59is that,
17:00for a start,
17:00if you ask the average
17:01woman what they're
17:02looking for in a man,
17:03they go,
17:03well,
17:04I'm looking for a man
17:05with a sense of humour.
17:06That's brilliant,
17:07isn't it?
17:07You've got to chat him up,
17:08you've got to get him
17:09into bed,
17:09you've got to get an erection,
17:10you've got to maintain
17:11the erection,
17:12you've got a climax,
17:13she's got a climax,
17:14and you've got to make
17:14him laugh for the same time.
17:16There's the highest
17:17woman who goes to
17:17the job
17:18on a building site.
17:18One of the problems
17:27between men and women
17:28is that women mature
17:29too early in life,
17:30right?
17:31See, men,
17:31we don't mature
17:32ever.
17:35And why should we?
17:36You know,
17:36what is so brilliant
17:37about this planet
17:38that we should be
17:38all serious all the time,
17:39you know,
17:40oh, I'm very serious,
17:41I'm very concerned
17:41about everything,
17:42oh, yes,
17:42I'm always sombre
17:43and miserable,
17:44oh, yes,
17:45oh, don't they
17:45are terrible,
17:46terrible,
17:46terrible,
17:46terrible,
17:47terrible,
17:47ozone layer.
17:49I'm enjoying the weather
17:49I've been having
17:50for the past three years,
17:51what about you?
17:53Global warming,
17:54BANG TIME!
17:57So I'm going to
17:58go to the audience
17:58at this point of the show,
17:59ladies and gentlemen,
18:00and I'm going to get
18:00a lady to pick out
18:01a pair of underwear
18:02from the bag.
18:03So here we go.
18:07Anyone want to
18:07oblige me by taking
18:08a pair of underwear
18:09out of this bag?
18:10No?
18:11Don't make me
18:12resort to
18:12Glaswegian begging.
18:15Here we go!
18:17BANG TIME!
18:18BANG TIME!
18:18BANG TIME!
18:19BANG TIME!
18:19BANG TIME!
18:20BANG TIME!
18:20BANG TIME!
18:21BANG TIME!
18:21BANG TIME!
18:22BANG TIME!
18:22BANG TIME!
18:23BANG TIME!
18:23BANG TIME!
18:24BANG TIME!
18:24I'd like you to
18:25pick a pair
18:25of underwear
18:26out of this bag,
18:26please.
18:26Sometime,
18:28don't I?
18:28By the way,
18:31for those people
18:32who are watching
18:32this program
18:32at home
18:33and think
18:33it's really shite,
18:34I just want
18:34to tell you,
18:35I don't care.
18:36I'm going to
18:37pay lots of money
18:38and no matter
18:39how much you
18:39criticise it
18:40and hate it,
18:40I'm going to
18:41do another one
18:41and I'm going
18:42to make
18:42even more money
18:43and then even
18:44though I've always
18:45said I hate
18:45Americans,
18:46I'm going to
18:46go to Hollywood
18:47and I'm going
18:47to make a big
18:48film and the
18:48film's going
18:49to be absolutely
18:49shite but I'm
18:50going to make
18:50tons and tons
18:51and tons of
18:52money and I'm
18:52going to shag
18:53millions of
18:54bimbos around
18:55of them and
18:56they're all going
18:57to divorce me
18:57and take all
18:57my money off me
18:58but it won't
18:58matter because
18:59I'll still be
18:59incredibly rich
19:00and then I'm
19:01going to get
19:02AIDS and
19:02die.
19:05Okay,
19:06where's that
19:06girl with the
19:07red underwear?
19:08Here he comes,
19:08underwear man!
19:11Hold that pair
19:11on the way up.
19:12It is of course
19:13the red pair
19:13which is unfortunate
19:15for you because
19:15that is the one
19:16with the shit
19:16stain on him.
19:16There you go.
19:19The red pair
19:20has been selected.
19:23Now obviously
19:24I can't emphasize
19:25this too strongly
19:25a completely free
19:27choice of underwear
19:28was selected
19:29by the girl
19:29in the front row.
19:30Any pair
19:31could have been
19:31selected.
19:32It could have
19:32been the
19:33green pair
19:33or any pair
19:34and yet
19:34as an incredible
19:35and amazing
19:36prediction
19:36I am wearing
19:38the red pair!
19:52Incidentally
19:52I recommend
19:53that as a
19:54major contribution
19:54to road safety.
19:56That was
19:57Jerry Sadovitz
19:58speaking from
19:58a studio
19:59somewhere in
19:59Birmingham
20:00just over
20:0012 hours ago.
20:01I am joined
20:02now by
20:03post-alternative
20:04comedian
20:04Tony Allen
20:05chief comic
20:06ambassador to
20:06Britain.
20:06Tony, he began
20:09with a monologue
20:09that was fairly
20:10predictable but
20:10what about the
20:11pro-abortion
20:12material?
20:13Well I think
20:13the monologue
20:14is something
20:14we can cope
20:15with at this
20:16stage.
20:16As for the
20:17anti-abortion
20:18line, well
20:19I think it's
20:20going to be found
20:20doubly offensive
20:21both from the
20:22anti-abortion
20:23lobby and from
20:24the feminists
20:24who are going to
20:25find it an
20:25over-trivialization
20:27of a very
20:27sensitive issue.
20:29Do you think
20:29the West
20:30end will see
20:32the irony as
20:32an immediate
20:33threat to
20:33fundamentalist
20:34comedians?
20:35Well it's hard
20:35to say at this
20:36stage.
20:36I think if
20:37Andrew Dice Clay
20:38and Sam
20:39Kinison joined
20:39in we could
20:40have a major
20:41problem on
20:41our hands.
20:42I have to
20:43interrupt you
20:43both.
20:44We've got some
20:44late news
20:45just coming.
20:46Was that it?
20:48Over 32
20:49scriptwriters have
20:50been shot down
20:51by NBC and
20:52Channel 4
20:52punchline squads
20:53in the last
20:54three hours.
20:55This brings the
20:56total of
20:56Sadovitz one-liners
20:57eliminated since
20:58the series began
20:59to 173.
21:02A report now
21:02by Tony Paxton
21:03in London.
21:04The atmosphere
21:05here at
21:06Jonglers Comedy
21:07Club is tense
21:08and confused
21:09with very little
21:10to laugh about
21:11since Thursday.
21:12Sadovitz has
21:13carried out a
21:13threat to make
21:14Glasgow his
21:15next target.
21:16Can you tell us
21:17more about the
21:17actual joke that
21:18was cracked?
21:20Well it was
21:20mainly expletives
21:22but it
21:23Glasgow's miles
21:24better.
21:25How come
21:25David Attenborough
21:26has never filmed
21:27life on earth
21:28there and
21:29Glaswegians are
21:30so poor that
21:31they have to
21:31slash their wrists
21:32and go to the
21:33Samaritans just
21:34to get a cup of
21:34tea.
21:35Ha ha ha.
21:36Ha ha.
21:37Ha ha.
21:38And then some
21:39more expletives
21:40followed and a
21:40visual gag.
21:42What do you think
21:42will happen?
21:43Yes, I gather
21:43we've got some
21:44pictures live
21:45from Sadovitz's
21:46bunker.
21:48All my life
21:49I have struggled
21:50to produce comedy
21:51that is a
21:52combination of
21:52truth and
21:53nonsense.
21:54How can anyone
21:55be offended by
21:56truth?
21:57How can anyone
21:57be offended by
21:58nonsense?
21:59It is a
22:00double irony.
22:02Give me the
22:02example of
22:03double irony.
22:03I'm not a
22:04sexist, it's
22:05just women I
22:06can't stand.
22:06Good, good.
22:08Still they
22:08refuse to laugh.
22:10Still these
22:11dogs compare me
22:12to Bernard
22:12Manning.
22:14I've never even
22:15been to
22:15Manchester.
22:15Now, let us
22:18talk about
22:18juxtaposed
22:19metaphor.
22:20Tchaikovsky,
22:21you're my
22:22first aid.
22:23First aid.
22:26I am funny
22:27without even
22:27thinking.
22:29Tchaikovsky,
22:30what do you
22:30think of my
22:30comedy?
22:31Very,
22:31Sadovitz,
22:32people are
22:32worried that
22:33you will
22:33promote racism
22:34and sexism.
22:35Bah!
22:35When they
22:36go to see a
22:36horror film,
22:37they come out
22:37with a chainsaw
22:38and start
22:38killing people?
22:39Nonsense.
22:40You must learn
22:41to be
22:41objective.
22:42They are
22:43scared of
22:43you,
22:44Sadovitz.
22:44They think
22:45you mean
22:45what you
22:46say.
22:47Prokofiev,
22:48Prokofiev,
22:49what is the
22:50first thing
22:50I say
22:51when I'm
22:51on the
22:51stage?
22:52You heard
22:53the expression
22:54comedian's
22:54comedian,
22:55well,
22:55I'm the
22:56tosser's
22:56tosspot.
22:57I'm a
22:57tosser's
22:58tosspot.
22:58I tell
22:59them I'm
22:59a tosspot.
23:00Then what
23:01I do?
23:01You pull
23:01a chicken
23:02out of
23:02your ass.
23:03Exactly.
23:04Pull
23:04a chicken
23:05out of
23:06my ass,
23:07thus spelling
23:07it out that
23:08I am a
23:09comedian.
23:09I am
23:10a fool.
23:11I
23:11understand
23:12you,
23:12Herr Sadovitz.
23:13You are
23:13a great
23:14comedian.
23:15Those fools
23:16do not
23:16understand.
23:17They laugh
23:17at American
23:17jokes,
23:18Tory
23:18jokes,
23:19Jeremy
23:19Piddle
23:20jokes.
23:21But when
23:21it comes
23:21to their
23:21own
23:22targets,
23:22they
23:23take
23:23offense.
23:24You
23:24are
23:24a
23:25great
23:25comedian.
23:27I
23:27get
23:28no
23:28kick
23:28from
23:29champagne.
23:32Me
23:32alcohol
23:33doesn't
23:35thrill
23:35me
23:36at
23:36all.
23:37But I
23:38get
23:39a
23:39kick
23:39out
23:40of
23:41you.
23:45Sycophant,
23:46sycophant,
23:47you
23:47understand.
23:49Herr Fuhrer,
23:50is there no good
23:50news on the
23:51comedy front?
23:52Yes,
23:52comrades,
23:53there is good
23:53news.
23:54There is
23:55good
23:55news.
24:00And here
24:00is the good
24:01news at
24:01nine o'clock.
24:03Over
24:035,000 orphans
24:04from all over the
24:05country were
24:05today re-readed
24:06with their
24:06parents.
24:07The event
24:07took place
24:08quite by
24:08accident during
24:09a routine
24:09inquiry into
24:10the death
24:10of Janet
24:11Street
24:11Porter.
24:12And that's it
24:13from the good
24:13news at
24:13nine o'clock.
24:14Good night.
24:22My goodness,
24:23it was all
24:23a dream.
24:25Oi!
24:27Shit!
24:27Shit!
24:27Shit!
24:27Shit!
24:28Shit!
24:28Shit!
24:29Shit!
24:30Shit!
24:30Shit!
24:31Shit!
24:31Shit!
24:32Shit!
24:32Shit!
24:33Shit!
24:33Shit!
24:34Shit!
24:34Shit!
24:35Shit!
24:35Shit!
24:36Shit!
24:36Shit!
24:37Shit!
24:37Shit!
24:37Shit!
24:38Shit!
24:38Shit!
24:38Shit!
24:39Shit!
24:39Shit!
24:39Shit!
24:40Shit!
24:41Shit!
24:42Shit!
24:42Shit!
24:43Shit!
24:44Shit!
24:44Shit!
24:44Shit!
24:54Sorry, I'm late.
24:55I'm late.
24:55Sorry, I'm late.
24:56Sorry I'm late, but I
24:57do have an abuse.
24:58I mean, an excuse.
24:59Oh, bugger at abuse.
25:00Piss off.
25:00Bollocks!
25:01Right.
25:01God, please!
25:02Seriously?
25:03Well, that looked good.
25:09What have we got here?
25:11A submachine gun.
25:13There he is.
25:18Anyway, a very funny thing happened to me and my way that...
25:21Jerry, have you heard the news?
25:22No, what?
25:22The Americans, they're out to get you.
25:24They've sent agents.
25:25Brilliant.
25:26Was that being in a movie, a TV contract,
25:28quiz show, game show?
25:29No, no, Jerry, they're out to kill you.
25:31They say you've offended too many people.
25:33Oh, you're joking.
25:33Just because I said, what do you get to cross a monkey with an American?
25:36Nothing.
25:36Monkeys are too intelligent to shag Americans.
25:38Was it that one?
25:40No, it wasn't.
25:41I think it was the Space Challenger shuttle one.
25:43Oh, Space Shuttle Challenger.
25:45Ha, ha, ha.
25:46Very good.
25:55Thanks a lot, Mum.
25:56This is Wendy and Brian, and they are from Doncaster.
26:04Yeah?
26:09Good, didn't I?
26:11If you put it like that, oh, God.
26:13Make one move from you, tough nut.
26:15The rugby team mascot gets it.
26:17We did, of course.
26:18See his accessory.
26:19No, no, I'm not.
26:21Book Street Bureau got me in this job.
26:22You stupid bastard.
26:23Look at the mess you've got us into.
26:25I told you, stick to the magic.
26:26But now you have to do your bloody comedy material.
26:31Quick, for Christ's sake.
26:32Play to the Roy Walton moment.
26:34Come on.
26:37Can I get one of those days
26:38where nothing goes right?
26:45So, you don't wreck my jokes, huh?
26:49Well, you have to put that one a few more.
26:52Why do feminists tie a moustaches
26:53on their upper lip
26:54so you know exactly where to get them?
26:57Why don't Jews drink alcohol
26:59because it would interfere with their suffering?
27:02Why did you ever see Pakistanis
27:03and this was your life?
27:04Because you can't bet the entire family
27:06into one program.
27:08How do you get 35
27:10to hold with what this is
27:11into a microwave oven?
27:13You can't.
27:14But it's worth working on it.
27:19Method acting, by the way.
27:27Great.
27:28Great.
27:29Just a few more of those bastards out there.
27:31Nothing we can't deal with, do you know.
27:32No problem to the likes of us.
27:34What are we going to do?
27:35What are we going to do?
27:36We're going to finish off with a song
27:37and do the box trick.
27:39No, I mean about the audience, Jerry.
27:40I mean, there's more tomorrow night
27:41than the night after that.
27:42You can't keep doing that material.
27:44It offends too many people.
27:46Well, I was thinking about that, actually, Dreena.
27:47I reckon after tonight, we move on.
27:50I reckon we go to Australia.
27:56Australia?
27:57Australia, Dreena.
27:57Think of it.
27:58Sunshine.
27:59Broad-minded, pommy haters.
28:00All the shilas you can eat.
28:02Well, you can't, but I can.
28:03Actually, you can.
28:04You're a lesbian, aren't you?
28:06Oh, God.
28:07Ready?
28:08Oh, God.
28:09What do you mean you want to be the rugby team mascot?
28:11Oh, don't use that.
28:13I was joking.
28:14I was joking.
28:14It's a joke.
28:15Yes, I'm a professional comedian.
28:16Aim.
28:17You ready?
28:18Yeah, okay.
28:23Fire!
Comments