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00:00Love him or hate him, Jerry Sadowit stands poised to assault your most public and private sensitivities.
00:06The Paul Bearers Review.
00:30Our first contestant is Rabbi Jonathan Turret Syndrome, whose chosen subject is Conjuring in the 20th century.
00:40Two minutes, start now.
00:43In card magic, what is the KO move?
00:45Piss off, sorry.
00:46No, it's the controller card.
00:47Who edited the new jinx?
00:48Shitey wee bastard, sorry.
00:50No, Bill Madsen.
00:50Who invented the pom-pom prayer stick?
00:52F*** off your b***h.
00:53No, no history.
00:54In what year was the Zarrow Fall Shuffle introduced?
00:56Bollocks your c***, sorry.
00:57No, 1968.
00:58Wayne Dobson is a what?
01:00Popular magical entertainer?
01:01No, twat.
01:02Sorry.
01:03The name is the new Adminator is something for who?
01:05Shitey f***ing horrible wee smelly f***ing.
01:07Sorry.
01:07No, Milton Franklin Andrews.
01:09The f***ing ball is known by what other name?
01:11F***ing f***ing f***ing.
01:11No, the zombie.
01:12And at the end of that round, Rabbi Syndrome, you have scored 12 points and no passes.
01:18Shitey f***ing rumple Joon is a great enemy of a thier.
01:33Oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:40Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
03:04Gun! Gun! Gun!
03:07Right, what's this? You've been unfaithful of me?
03:10What do you think?
03:11Well, ladies and gentlemen, have we got a show for you tonight.
03:14We'd like to start off with our classic impression of the hitman and her.
03:19The hitman and her.
03:22Right, quite a fact that, ladies and gentlemen, let's get on with the show.
03:25Pop airs review. Some rum, please.
03:27Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the first trick of the evening, the classic appearing audience.
03:37Thank you very much.
03:38Second trick of the evening, the classic vanishing props.
03:40And, by the way, no heckling otherwise to make you completely vanish all over again, all right?
03:47I actually find this by telling jokes. I can make entire audiences vanish, for example.
03:51What's the definition of disgusting? Shagging your grandmother or licking the sweat off her back?
03:54Oh, come on. If you live in Birmingham, you can put up our sick jokes, surely.
04:02What, pal? It's not the joke we make, it's the generalising.
04:06My granny doesn't sweat when we shang.
04:08Ah, shut up, man.
04:09This is a bit of it.
04:11People at that make you want to bring that to Poltax, you know what I mean?
04:14Imagine heckling me, a comic genius.
04:16Comic genius, by the way, that's somebody who's been living in London for two years and still has a sense of humour, you know what I mean?
04:21Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the incredible bag of Balthazar trick.
04:28You might think I'm a lunatic, right?
04:30But this guarantees me a seat in a cinema any day of the week, you know what I mean?
04:35It's actually misdirection, because while I'm looking at the bag, I'm secretly manipulating my bollocks.
04:39Talking to bollocks, a quick joke, two lesbian pit bull terriers walking down the street, right, being attacked by a black South African juggler.
04:50When suddenly this, sorry, that's not a joke, that was a Benetton poster I saw earlier in the week, sorry.
04:57Actually, I actually love Benetton posters, I think they're brilliant, they're so crap, you know, the posters, you know.
05:06Much better than these charity posters you see all the time, you know, like the ones that are always in the world.
05:09They're always begging for your money and blaming you for all the faults in the world, for example.
05:13Schizophrenia, it's your fault too.
05:15No, it isn't!
05:18But the other one with the wee boy, he's supposed to be a wee boy with two cotton wool pads on his eyes, right?
05:22And he's blind, right?
05:23And it says, look this boy in the eye and say, you can't afford a fiver.
05:26I can't afford a fiver!
05:31And it's not my fault you're blind!
05:33Don't mind giving out money to charities, but it's not my fault!
05:37Okay.
05:38I'm actually in a very bad mood tonight, I was at Hackney dog races last week, I lost every race.
05:42I blame that on the handlers putting me in trap one, they're bastards!
05:45The only time I've ever won in a dog race was when my dog accidentally got his knob caught in the electrified rabbit, you know.
05:53Sort of won by default.
05:54Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah!
05:57I remember once putting five pounds on a horse called Dark Ivy in the Grand National.
06:01During the race, the horse keeled over and died.
06:03I remember thinking to myself at the time, well, at least I've got my money's worth there, you know what I mean?
06:07Because if your horse isn't going to win a race, the next best thing is a hemorrhage, you know.
06:10It makes the video worth watching over and over and over again, you know what I mean?
06:15See the worst thing about betting shops is you put on these bets, right,
06:18and the commentators always make you think you're going to win the race by the way they do the commentaries, you know.
06:22But you never do.
06:23So they say you're betting on a dog race, right, there's six dogs in a race, right?
06:26You put five pound on trap two, okay?
06:28Commentator goes, and they're off Hackney and trap two is at a blistering pace and he's well into the lane.
06:32Up round the first bend and it's trap two is at a blistering pace.
06:35Four, three, one, five and six, the black markers.
06:37Up to the line and it's trap two, he's zooming off.
06:39Up to the line, trap four, the winner!
06:43Trap three for a second!
06:45How does that work?
06:47Sorry about that, it's a joke, it's a lot better when it's told live, by the way, okay?
06:51It's a joke, it's a lot better when it's told live, okay, by the way.
06:53A lot of joke when it's not better when it's told live.
06:57I don't know how many people here actually gamble in the audience, you know.
07:01I don't know how many of you gamble, I don't know if I should do the material or not.
07:03Do you gamble? No.
07:04No.
07:05So you've never travelled by British Rail before, ever.
07:09A friend of mine actually, I shouldn't make jokes, because a friend of mine actually died on British Rail,
07:12you know, he committed suicide.
07:14He sort of jumped off the platform in front of a train and waited to death.
07:19I thought it was very sad, you know.
07:22Actually, I'll tell you a thing I don't understand about British Rail is
07:24why it's cheaper to buy a return ticket.
07:27That's not a joke, I'm actually asking you here, you know.
07:29Why is it cheaper to buy a return ticket?
07:31I mean, you go up to the ticket office in a train station and say,
07:34how much is a single ticket to Manchester, please?
07:36They go, oh, £37.
07:38And how much is it in return?
07:39Uh, £12.50.
07:44What's the point in making a return ticket cheaper, really, you know?
07:47You're going to come back from Birmingham, whatever the price, really.
07:51Sorry, I shouldn't have made jokes about that.
07:52I know you're from Birmingham and I shouldn't have made jokes, okay?
07:54Birmingham's a great city.
07:56So, anyway, um...
07:58I've made a few jokes a while back about the city of Dundee
08:01and gone into a lot of trouble about it,
08:03so I'm going to have to use Spoonerisms tonight.
08:05This means if I want to slag off, say, John Majors,
08:06I'll have to say Mon Jagers.
08:08Or if I want to slag off, say, Cliff Richard,
08:10I'll have to say Riff Klitschub.
08:12This is so I don't get sued by anyone, okay?
08:14But you'll understand who I'm talking about,
08:15because the name sounds familiar, okay?
08:17Is that alright?
08:18Okay, good.
08:19So, Malcolm Muggeridge, what a bastard he is, eh?
08:23Billy Bunnell Bishop!
08:25I made a few jokes about Dundee a while back, right?
08:27All I said was that people in Dundee are so boring,
08:30you pour boiling water over their heads,
08:31you get a new flavour of pot noodle.
08:34And the entire city was up in arms against me, right?
08:37The Lord Mayor actually said,
08:39these sick comic comments could ruin the image of Dundee.
08:42I thought to myself, what image?
08:44What are you talking about?
08:46I'll give you an impression, right,
08:47of somebody in Dundee talking to a Jehovah's Witness, okay?
08:50Come in!
08:52Would you like a drink?
08:53Don't go away!
08:55Tell me more about how you witnessed Jehovah!
08:59If you ask anybody in Scotland where they come from,
09:01they'll always be happy to tell you,
09:02except Dundonians, you know?
09:04Because they're embarrassed by it, you know?
09:05Ask somebody in Glasgow where they're from,
09:07they go,
09:07Glasgow?
09:08Somebody in Edinburgh, where are you from?
09:09Edinburgh?
09:10Somebody in Dundee, where are you from?
09:12Eh, East Scotland.
09:14Sort of in between London and Alaska,
09:16oh, I must go with him, I tease him.
09:18Hey, come back here in a minute,
09:19you're from Dundee, you know how I know?
09:20Well, because I'm fast asleep!
09:23Sorry about that,
09:24I just got a bit of angst out there, you know?
09:25Dundee, you know?
09:26Anyway, um,
09:27whenever I go to London, right,
09:28I always buy a copy of Time Out magazine,
09:30and I always look up the, uh,
09:31gay, lesbian action page.
09:33And I've been along to about four of these meetings now,
09:35and I can tell you,
09:36there's no action at all, you know?
09:38All you get,
09:39all you get is a wee workshop,
09:41people going,
09:41I'm not sure whether I'm bisexual or homosexual.
09:44Slay it over that table and shag her!
09:47I've paid £3.50!
09:50You advertised action for crying out loud!
09:55Another thing about London is that
09:56the number of tramps and beggars in London
09:58that are increasing all the time,
10:00I mean, it really brings you down.
10:01Like, years ago, it was very simple, you know?
10:03Tramps would follow you home and go,
10:04go on, spend me ten pence for a couple of tea,
10:06hurry up, take me for a couple of tea,
10:07take me for a couple of tea,
10:07and you could drag it out and get a lot of fun with it.
10:09You know, you could go,
10:10well, I'm not sure, eh, I'll think about it.
10:12Come on, ten pence for a couple of tea,
10:13ten pence for a couple of tea,
10:14go on, go on, do it!
10:15And you could get a train home, right?
10:16A train home, they'd still follow you, you know?
10:18Ten pence for a couple of tea,
10:19ten pence for a couple of tea,
10:20go on, do it, go on, do it, go on, do it, go on, do it, go on, do it, go on, do it!
10:21Okay, I'll give you ten pence, there you go,
10:22ten pence, you can have that if you can find it!
10:25Leave me alone!
10:27But nowadays, you get tramps and beggars in London, right?
10:29That don't beg properly, right?
10:31They call me old-fashioned,
10:33but I like a beggar too big, right?
10:36Nowadays, you get these beggars, right,
10:42and they don't beg, they hold up bits of cardboard that says,
10:45Homeless, give us all your money on it!
10:48Right, so what I do is,
10:49whenever I go out in the shop, something like that,
10:50what I do is I carry a big bit of cardboard round with me at all times, right?
10:54Which just says,
10:55NO!
10:55on it, see?
10:57And I find that works for me, you know?
11:00And the trick is to keep walking, you know?
11:02Yeah, I like a beggar to beg,
11:03I like to see a bit of, eh,
11:05I like to see a big yellow, brownie,
11:07seepy pussy thing coming out of the foreheads, you know?
11:09Before I'm going to pack with my pound coin, you know what I mean?
11:16I'm not looking for props here,
11:17I'm doing an impression of a burns victim.
11:21The other thing I like about London
11:23is the number of mime artists that are on the increase as well, you know?
11:25Years ago, very, very simple,
11:27mime artists, no problem.
11:30You knew where you stood.
11:31But nowadays, you go on British Rail, right?
11:33At the top of the escalator, there's a mime artist,
11:34halfway down, there's a violinist,
11:36you get to the bottom, there's a full bloody orchestra, you know?
11:39Eh, eh, eh, eh, give us your money, please.
11:42No, you can afford a violin, you give me your money!
11:46So the way I annoy mime artists now is
11:48I watch a mime artist for about half an hour,
11:51then I mime enjoying it.
11:53And then I mime giving them the money, you know?
12:01These are hobbies of mine, you understand, you know?
12:03One of my hobbies is sending out chain letters
12:05in the form of gas bills to old age pensioners.
12:07I like sitting on buses
12:11Beside really gorgeous females
12:12And going
12:13Excuse me if you've got a tissue on you please
12:17Certainly there you go
12:18Thanks a lot
12:18Cheers
12:26Thanks a lot
12:27Okay ladies y'all
12:31And the incredible bag
12:33As you can see the bag itself is absolutely normal
12:36I'm not
12:37And in addition to the bag
12:40We shall also be using two handkerchiefs
12:42Which is a black handkerchief and a white handkerchief
12:43Which I'm holding in one hand to show you that I'm anti-apartheid
12:45Okay
12:46And what I'm going to do is put them in the bag
12:48And I'm going to make the handkerchiefs change colour
12:50Okay
12:50Now there's two ways of doing this right
12:52The first method is the superglow method
12:54Which is completely self-working
12:55In which not only the handkerchiefs change colour
12:58But so does the entire room
12:59Both the cruise missiles over here
13:03Are changing into spaghetti hoops
13:04Judge Dredd is sitting at the back
13:06Waiting to arrest me
13:07And inside the bag
13:08The green handkerchief has changed to pink
13:10The elephant has changed into a Rottweiler
13:14And the inside of the bag has transformed itself
13:17Into a little doggy
13:18If you're on the same combination of drugs as I am
13:24It's a little joke that by the way
13:27I don't actually touch drugs at all
13:28You know
13:28I can't actually tell the difference between heroin and a joint
13:31Which is probably why I've been burning my arms through the past three months
13:34You know
13:34That can't be right
13:37I'll try a fresh drink
13:38Okay ladies and gentlemen
13:41I have to say there's two methods of doing this trick
13:42The second method is of course to say the magic words
13:45And for this purpose I have brought along a very special guest
13:47Ladies and gentlemen
13:48To do the magic words
13:49And here he is ladies and gentlemen
13:50I'm sure you all know him
13:51And a very special guest
13:53Here he is
13:54It's Sooty of course
13:55And give it the magic word Sooty
13:57Izzy whizzy
13:58Let's get busy
13:59And looking into the bag
14:05We find unbelievably
14:07The white handkerchief is now
14:09Oh rather the black handkerchief
14:10Now covered in white spots
14:11By the way
14:12The white handkerchief is now covered in black spots
14:15I want you to know this is purely for spite
14:17But I went and brought the dog back at all
14:20Thank you
14:23Okay ladies and gentlemen
14:26We've heard of the famous rabbit from the hat trick
14:28This is the first ever turd from the dog trick
14:31Thank you very much
14:32Okay moving right along
14:35Two handkerchiefs ladies and gentlemen
14:37Two handkerchiefs exactly the same size
14:39I'd like somebody in the audience
14:40Anybody at all
14:41You
14:42Want to point one of these two handkerchiefs please
14:44The red one
14:46Okay
14:47What I'm going to do
14:49Is I'm going to cause the handkerchief of your choice
14:51To shrink to less than half its original size
14:54Okay
14:55Half its original size
14:56Here we go
14:58Look at that ladies and gentlemen
15:02The handkerchief has now shrunk to less than half of its original size
15:05And I'm sure you'll agree
15:06If you compare that to the size of the original one
15:08You can see quite clearly that it has indeed shrunk ladies and gentlemen
15:13Okay
15:14Not once but twice ladies and gentlemen
15:16Here we go
15:17Shrinking handkerchief
15:18And as you can see ladies and gentlemen
15:21Not only has it shrunk to less than half its size again
15:23But it's in fact changed colour as well
15:25And I'm sure you'll agree
15:26If you compare that to the size and colour of the original one
15:29It's a crap joke that isn't it
15:32Crap bloody joke
15:3218 pound 50
15:34What a waste
15:35Okay
15:36The classic Queen of Hearts trick ladies and gentlemen
15:39Queen of Hearts
15:40King of Clubs
15:43Thank you very much
15:44Now I agree with you
15:46This is shite
15:47But
15:47When you go home tonight right
15:50And you're sleeping with your partner right
15:51And you're just about to climax
15:53One of you is going to go
15:54How did that shitey wee bastard do that trick with a cab
15:58For one that changed
16:00Oh never mind honey
16:01Let's get back to sleep
16:02You don't want to worry about
16:02No
16:03He's got no skill
16:04How did he do it
16:05Normally I explain how some tricks are done
16:09But
16:09You can switch it out as far as I'm concerned
16:12Quick card trick ladies and gentlemen
16:14Quick card trick
16:14Like somebody in the audience
16:15Anybody at all
16:16You again
16:17I'd like you to name any card in the pack please
16:20Anyone at all
16:21Nine of hearts
16:22Wrong
16:23That's right laugh you bastards
16:28One day I'll get that right
16:29You little shite yourselves
16:29It's a case of logistics
16:33I can wait you know
16:34I do a show three times a night
16:36One of these days
16:37Someone's going to name it
16:38For a f***
16:39Okay
16:41The nine of hearts was the card you named
16:43Is that correct
16:43And yet
16:44Incredibly
16:45For your entertainment pleasure
16:46Ladies and gentlemen
16:47Inside my fly
16:49We have in fact got
16:51The nine of hearts
16:52And madam
17:01Is that my actual sperm stain
17:03Okay
17:04Actually
17:07It didn't really matter
17:08What card you named
17:09Because
17:10You've got a choice
17:12About 150 in here
17:13I know
17:13Hope you've noticed by the way
17:16That during this set
17:16I have not resorted to like
17:18Cheap tricks
17:18And gimmicks of any kind
17:20No ladies and gentlemen
17:22I am far more sophisticated than that
17:24As a matter of fact
17:25I was dialing 071 for London
17:27Back in 1972
17:29Where are you still now
17:31Where are we
17:36How can I help you please?
17:58Well
17:58We're a couple of
18:00Healthy happy Yankee bastards
18:01From California
18:02And we'd like to take home
18:05Some of your Scottish flam
18:06Well you've come to the right place
18:09Claims my name
18:10Flam production is my game
18:12Now
18:13The cheapest thing I can offer you
18:14In green
18:15Is your bonus bile
18:17Or
18:18For an extra fiver
18:19I can supply you one
18:21With a permanent steamer
18:23Reminds me of a little joke
18:26Went to bed last night
18:27Dreaming of boats
18:28Woke up with your steamer
18:29However
18:30If you prepare to pay
18:31Even more money
18:32I can give you this
18:33Very lovely
18:34Winston Churchill
18:35Commemorative
18:36That is pure
18:38Lung that is
18:39Do you have anything
18:40Of Princess Margaret's?
18:42Not in this price range
18:43Excuse me
18:44Sorry for that please
18:47Right you there
18:48Excuse me for just one moment
18:49Hey what is this by the way
18:55I asked you for a
18:56Sellafield special
18:57What you giving me here
18:57Bloody night nurse
18:58And custard
18:59Look at that
18:59Look what they're giving me
19:00You take that back
19:02To Mr McCracken
19:03And tell him I want
19:04A big dose of fun
19:06Dear Anne Robinson
19:08Why oh why
19:09Must the BBC
19:10Screen this filthy
19:11And immature material
19:12On TV
19:13At peak viewing time
19:14I don't get home from work
19:15Until midnight
19:15And invariably miss it
19:17Also
19:18The idea that
19:18Working class people
19:19Could be enjoying
19:20The same show as me
19:20Is particularly abhorrent
19:22Come on BBC
19:23Bring back hanging
19:24For any poor person
19:25Or student
19:26Who might be watching
19:27Couldn't agree with you
19:28More Miss Bates
19:29But Mrs L Frankham
19:30Of Dorset
19:30Has this to say
19:31Dear Anne
19:32Why oh why
19:34Oh why oh why oh why oh why
19:35Must the BBC
19:36Read out my letters
19:37In a deep masculine voice
19:38I've been a woman
19:39For many years now
19:41And object to this kind
19:42Of almost working class treatment
19:43And now a letter
19:45From Mr Barnet
19:45Of Hastings
19:46Dear Anne
19:47Why oh why oh why oh why
19:50Is the hitman on her
19:51Not shown on the BBC
19:52Earlier in the evening
19:53It's a super programme
19:54And I often masturbate
19:56When I see those close up shots
19:57Of those super girls
19:58Riding in their own sweat
19:59And he adds
20:01It saves a bundle
20:02On dirty magazines
20:03And you'll be saving
20:05Even more on dirty magazines
20:07Mr B
20:07The BBC are planning
20:09To bring back
20:09Janet Street Porter
20:10Later in the year
20:11So plenty to look forward to there
20:13Now another request
20:15Dear Anne
20:16My wife and I
20:18Love Norman Tebbitt
20:19With his cheeky grin
20:20And romantic look at life
20:21Please please please
20:23Could you show us
20:24A bit more of the fabulous
20:25Falling Over Brothers
20:26When they used to be
20:27Jerry Sadovits
20:28Always happy to oblige
20:29Mr T
20:30And Mr T
21:30Just time for one more letter from seven-year-old Emma Twitch.
21:46Dear Anne, my planet's population and I think that Jerry Sadowitz is the best thing on British television.
21:52Why he's not featured 24 hours a day is beyond us.
21:56Yes.
21:56We sleek at Turing brand new five-pence piece.
22:11Now, what's the f***ing point of that?
22:16Well, tonight on the Roy Walter moment, we're very honoured to have the one and only Mr.
22:32Uri Geller.
22:34Uri!
22:35Uri Geller!
22:36Oh, Uri, I'm a big fan of yours, by the way.
22:38Got all your spoons down.
22:39Oh, my neck's bending.
22:40How you doing?
22:41It's fantastic.
22:42What's that one?
22:43Jerry, we're doing the interview.
22:45Remember you're being Uri Geller?
22:46I'm interviewing you.
22:47Forgot.
22:47Forgot.
22:48Yes, it's very nice to be asked here on the Roy Walter moment and I've actually brought
22:53along the spoons, you see, and I don't do anything and look, look, you just bend, you
22:58see, and look, you see, this spoon is here, it's becoming like plastic, you see, I don't
23:03do anything, and look, with a key here, a key, I don't know where it came from, but look,
23:08look, I don't even touch it and there's a knot, and you know, this is...
23:12Uri, Uri, this is fantastic.
23:13You bend them just with the power of your mind.
23:15This is strictly the power of my mind, ladies and gentlemen, look, I don't do anything except
23:20use my mind, you see, and it bends, you see, of course, it has very bad side effects on
23:27my sex life, you know, I can't do very much, but I try not to think about that, yes?
23:31Could you just get on with the trick because the impression was shit.
23:36Thank you, Twina.
23:38Right, okay, Steve, isn't it?
23:41No.
23:41It's Amanda.
23:42Okay, Steve, I don't know if you know us, but shut up.
23:45What I'm going to do is I'm going to take the half of the pack and turn it face up
23:48and shuffle it into the other half, which remains face down, okay?
23:53Now, this is an incredibly silly thing to do, actually, when you think about it, but that's
23:56what we're doing, shuffling the cards face up and face down, okay?
24:01So the pack of cards is now an incredible mess, and there is only one way of sorting that
24:06pack out, and that is to use the Ace of Diamonds, okay?
24:10Now, what happens here is to take the Ace of Diamonds, drop the pack on top of it, like
24:14so.
24:16And what happens is the Ace of Diamonds slowly travels up through the pack to the top, okay?
24:21And on its way up, it gets very tired, because it has actually got to sort out the rest of
24:26the pack, so they all face the same way around again, like so.
24:29Amanda, Amanda, let me show you, can you tell me how to do this flourish?
24:37Look, I know how to do it, make them all go up there.
24:39By the way, no, sorry.
24:43Yes, there are a number of flourishes that one can do if you're at home, or if you haven't
24:47got home, come to the studio and do, this is a flourish, which is, like, very therapeutic.
24:53Right, one more trick here, okay?
24:55Ready for this one?
24:56Okay, Steve?
24:58Amanda.
24:58So what?
24:59Just take a card out, please.
25:01Bring your hand over the pack, take one out.
25:03Right, remember that card?
25:05Have a look at it, remember it?
25:06And show it to that camera there, camera five, okay?
25:09Right, correct the card, let me put it back.
25:12Now, this is, in fact, an incredibly difficult trick, and therefore, I want three chances of
25:16finding a card, okay?
25:19It could be one of these three cards, all right?
25:21Now, it could be the bottom card, which is the Jack of Diamonds, or it could be the top
25:25card, which is the Jack of Diamonds, or it could be the middle card, which is the Jack of Diamonds,
25:27or it could be the middle card, which is the Jack of Diamonds.
25:31Now, I know it isn't this card here, because that has got, in fact, a back on both sides,
25:34okay?
25:35And this Jack has got no face on it.
25:38In fact, each one of these Jacks is totally under suspicion.
25:41So instead, I'll do an entirely different trick with the Ace, two, and three of clubs.
25:47Thanks.
25:48What we'll do, what we'll do is we'll put them to a little test here, okay?
25:56What we'll do is we'll deal them out in a line like so, and drop the pack on top of the
26:00Ace, where a opponent mysteriously jumps to the top of the pack.
26:04Take the two, put it on top, give the pack a slap, and the two mysteriously jumps to the
26:08bottom.
26:09The three goes in the middle, does a backflip somersault, and jumps up to the top of the
26:14deck.
26:14It may be that this is too fast, so what I'll do is I'll do it again in slow motion,
26:24okay?
26:25There's the two in the middle of the pack, the Ace in the middle of the pack.
26:29Hope you're paying attention here, Steve.
26:30Oh, Amanda.
26:31Shut up!
26:32Okay.
26:33Three in the centre of the pack, okay?
26:35And yet, inexplicably, I simply snap the deck, and what happens is the Ace jumps up to the
26:40top, and the two jumps to the bottom.
26:42And, Amanda, can you guess where the three is?
26:46Take a guess.
26:47There's a clue.
26:49On the top, on the bottom.
26:50On the bottom?
26:51Yeah.
26:51Absolutely, carong.
26:52It is, in fact, on the top.
26:55Now, after all this, I've got to still find your cards, right?
26:59So what we'll do is we'll wind the pack up here a bit, and spit it out, and we find,
27:05incredibly, that your card, the Jack of Diamonds, actually turns over in the pack.
27:12Now, if I take the Jack of Diamonds, and just snap the Ace, Two, and Three of Clubs with
27:16it, something incredible actually happens, because the Ace becomes the Jack of Clubs,
27:22the Two becomes the Jack of Spades, and the Three becomes the Jack of Hearts, giving us
27:27four Jacks.
27:36So, what do you think of that?
27:38Oh, no, it's all right.
27:38It's nice to have enough to be slow.
27:42Dino.
27:42Oh, Gerrit, go and get me the hobnobbs with the chocolate on them, the chocolate hobnobbs.
27:46Right.
27:46And chocolate?
27:47You like plain?
27:47Plain.
27:47Plain chocolate, and...
27:49Great.
27:59So, er, I'll be late back then.
28:02Yeah.
28:02So, er, I'll be late back then.
28:24I'll be late back then.
28:26I have another poem.
28:43This one dedicated to the local corner shop.
28:48Wee sleek it, brand new 20 pound note, looks like it's only a fiver I've got, you bastards.
29:04You do it deliberately, you buy 40 silk cuts, your change is three feet.
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