- 9 months ago
- #comedy
- #standupcomedy
- #standup
The winner of Last Comic Standing discusses the obvious questions people ask him, misunderstandings about being a disabled person, and more.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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FunTranscript
00:00Give it up for Josh Blue!
00:30Oh wow, thank you so much.
00:37I'm so excited to be here, you guys.
00:40I know that some of you know who I am.
00:44Yeah, but I'm also well aware that maybe this is your first time seeing me.
00:49And if that's the case, then I'm pretty sure you're confused right now.
00:55This can't be the thing, right?
01:02It is good to be here, you know, I'm not from Salt Lake.
01:10But I look like I am.
01:15Just another wobbly guy on the sidewalk.
01:30I'm a comedian.
01:34I made eight bucks walking over here.
01:49Thank you, by the way.
01:56I didn't spend it wisely.
02:11It's a fun time.
02:13I've been enjoying it.
02:15Somebody at my hotel ran up on me and was like,
02:17Hey man, did I see you on TV?
02:20I'm like, well how am I supposed to know?
02:32If you don't know, I don't know.
02:42And then tonight I was coming into the show.
02:44Somebody on the street, one of you guys, probably, just...
02:49He's all excited.
02:50He's like, hey, I came here just to see you.
02:54I'm like, well, I guess you can go home then.
03:07Mission accomplished.
03:09I would like to mention I have cerebral palsy.
03:21I'd like to get that out of the way early in the show.
03:28I do talk about it a little bit.
03:29You know, there's a few reasons I talk about it.
03:31Number one is I've come to find if I don't mention it,
03:35that after a little while, the audience is like,
03:42does he know...
03:44that he has that?
03:54Another big reason is everything I talk about
04:03comes from the perspective of a disabled person.
04:06Right?
04:07I mean, this is all that I've ever known.
04:09I guess I'll admit that early in my career,
04:13I try to do my show from a Southern Belle point of view.
04:25Could never get that to play quite right, you know?
04:27I'm like, dear diary.
04:28I haven't been right since Mr. Earl left.
04:42You guys are a fun crowd, man.
04:53Although I can definitely say there's a few people
04:55still looking at me like...
04:57What's after this, a midget juggler?
05:02Come on.
05:22Yeah, Fernando, and you're gonna love him.
05:24Yeah, he can juggle other midgets.
05:39So if you are one, you know, just be ready.
05:46The bar might not be as dry after this.
05:49Well, you're looking at me like that.
05:59That guy does not look dry at all.
06:01I'm telling you.
06:06It's a clean comedy.
06:07You should take a shower first.
06:14Thank you. I do.
06:15I took two showers today.
06:16I just look dirty.
06:17I don't know what it is.
06:24You know, people always ask me if this bracelet
06:26is one of those copper magnetic healing bracelets.
06:32I'm like, oh, does that thing work?
06:36I'm like, oh yeah, man.
06:37I was in a wheelchair last week.
06:38I was in a wheelchair last week.
06:47This thing's been kicking some butt for me now.
06:49I'm telling you.
06:50I'm gonna put it on this arm next week.
06:51I'm gonna put it on this arm next week.
06:55I'm gonna put it on this arm next week.
06:56I'm gonna put it on this arm next week.
07:08Actually, I better take it off soon.
07:09You know, I don't wanna get too bitter.
07:11I might have messed up my gig, you know.
07:26I have to tell a corny white guy jokes.
07:29I don't know.
07:35Thank you, my man.
07:40I gotta say, this has gotta be
07:42the best Make-A-Wish ever.
07:44Thanks for playing along.
08:00I'm sure you can all write this off.
08:02It was fun, man.
08:12I love telling jokes.
08:16I do a lot of shows.
08:19I travel all over this beautiful country of ours
08:22and I've been seeing more handicap accessible stuff
08:26going in everywhere.
08:28It's great, really well-needed.
08:29But I gotta tell you, as a physically disabled person,
08:33I kind of feel obligated to use that stuff.
08:39You know how awkward that is when I'm on a date
08:42and I have to use the ramp?
08:56I'll be there in a minute, baby.
08:57This Walgreens is up on a hill.
09:02I don't know.
09:10Oh, honey, let me get the door for you.
09:12Who says chivalry is dead, huh?
09:13Who says chivalry is dead, huh?
09:33I'm sure glad we got cell phones.
09:35You know, we've come a long way.
09:38The flip phone was no good for me.
09:40That, uh...
09:42I miss a lot of calls with that one, you know?
09:45You gotta get an oyster shucker to open it.
09:52You're still better than when you had to write down your number
09:54and give it to a girl.
09:55Like, uh...
09:57Okay, uh...
09:58Let me get you my number.
09:59I gotta get this stack of paper here.
10:02Uh...
10:03Seven...
10:04Two...
10:07Nine sheets later, like, here you go, baby.
10:09Don't mix them up.
10:11Nine sheets later, like, here you go, baby.
10:13Don't mix them up.
10:28I went to New York recently, and I tried to hail a taxi,
10:31and I caught a pigeon.
10:33They were all right.
10:35Oh, my God.
10:37Oh!
10:39Oh!
10:57Oh!
10:59Oh!
11:00You gotta win!
11:01Just, uh, let me know when you're ready, man.
11:38I still don't think he's ready, man.
11:42I don't want to hurt nobody.
11:49I didn't even know I had to pitch until I was in the cab.
11:54It didn't make it.
12:07Oh, oh, oh, no.
12:12Tell me about the rabbits.
12:17It's weird, uh, weird being me, I gotta say, you know, I was, I gotta, uh, since I live
12:40in, like, a dual world, like, I could be walking down the street, and somebody comes, like,
12:47oh, can I get an autograph?
12:49I saw you on TV.
12:50And then, like, two steps later, like, get away from me, you drunk ass.
12:55Either way, I asked for a dollar.
13:10You know what they say, when one door closes, it locks behind you.
13:27So, just gotta go to the next house.
13:32Use a window if you have to.
13:39A lot of people don't know this about me, but for many years, I was a member of the
13:46U.S. Paralympic National Soccer Team.
13:54Where were you guys at the games?
14:03Sure could've used those 30 claps.
14:13I know many of you maybe don't know what the Paralympics are, uh, which is unfortunate,
14:18because it's the second largest sporting event on the planet.
14:22Woo!
14:23It's, uh, the, uh, Olympics for people with physical disabilities.
14:27Uh, yeah, I mean, we're second largest only to the, um, able-bodied Olympics.
14:35Oh, yeah, it must be tough running with two legs, huh?
14:50Nothing but punks to us.
14:55I loved being on that team.
14:57It was an amazing experience traveling the world.
15:00I got to go to the O4 Paralympics in Athens, Greece.
15:04Uh, again, thank you for that.
15:07Uh, me and my teammates didn't have to get, uh, worry about getting tested for any performance-enhancing drugs.
15:21Uh, we did not represent the country well.
15:24Uh, sorry.
15:26Sorry, everybody.
15:29I was just not good.
15:30We didn't do good at all.
15:33We just...
15:36Well, we were playing against teams like Brazil and Russia.
15:40Like teams that have a program that they live together all year round and practice twice a day.
15:45And, uh, we didn't do that.
15:55We lost to Russia 11 to 1.
15:59And the one was, uh, they scored on themselves.
16:06They just got tired of shooting on our goalie.
16:10Take some real shots, too.
16:15And he saved a bunch of their shots, man.
16:26They were so good, man.
16:28I found out the coach don't like when you high-five the other team.
16:31When they're, oh, that was awesome, man.
16:33How'd you do that?
16:34Some of those players, though, were so good.
16:42Like the Russian team.
16:44I'm just on the field looking at them like,
16:47Okay, well, there's nothing even wrong with that guy right there.
16:49I called BS number five, man.
16:58I called BS number five, man.
17:00We better get a neurologist out here.
17:18Then he'd run by and be like,
17:19Oh, man, his hand's on backward.
17:20Okay.
17:39I got injured in, uh, one of the games in the, in the Paralympics.
17:42And, uh, my coach had the nerve to put me on the disabled list.
17:55Shouldn't that somehow make me better?
17:58I don't know.
18:00The two, uh, cancels itself out or something.
18:04I don't know.
18:09I had a lot of fun with my teammates.
18:11It was just cool getting to hang out with other physically disabled dudes.
18:15You know, we've all been through some of the same stuff.
18:17And, uh, we just got really comfortable, uh, being disabled.
18:22We got so comfortable that, like, on trips,
18:25we came up with this game
18:28where we would see who could hold open their jacked up hand longer.
18:35Good game. Good game.
18:55You, you get to hold the dead pigeon now.
18:58You guys remember from earlier?
19:21You guys remember?
19:28I do miss being on the Paralympic team.
19:36One thing I really miss is traveling with everybody.
19:40Because I gotta say, there's nothing more entertaining
19:44than watching 12 dudes with cerebral palsy
19:48get off an airplane in a row.
19:50Everybody in the terminal thinks there's some type of zombie
19:58invading at all.
19:59All right.
20:23He's the goalie.
20:24None of us really walk like that.
20:35You know, we just, just like messing around.
20:41See how far through customs we can get.
20:43Last one taste loses.
20:50You know, my whole life, I've always had people kind of stare at me.
20:53And I thought it was because of my cerebral palsy.
20:55And then I went to the Paralympics and then in the cafeteria, there's like 3,000 disabled people trying to get lunch.
21:06And then I went in there and everybody's staring at me.
21:08I'm like, what is this?
21:09There's a guy over there eating with his foot.
21:10Like.
21:11I'm like.
21:12I'm like.
21:13Uh.
21:14Uh.
21:15Uh.
21:16Uh.
21:17Uh.
21:18Uh.
21:19Uh.
21:20Uh.
21:21Uh.
21:22Uh.
21:23Uh.
21:24Uh.
21:25Uh.
21:26Uh.
21:37One thing I don't miss about being on the team
21:43is our coach used to make us all dress alike.
21:48You know, represent your country, which is great.
21:51That's awesome.
21:51I love representing our wonderful, beautiful country.
21:55But, you know, we're a bunch of crippled dudes
21:58trying not to stick out as it is, you know?
22:03Got us all wearing the same goofy tracksuit.
22:07All I'm saying, coach, is just give us a chance.
22:15Just a chance.
22:18We got people walking by us like,
22:21oh, that's nice.
22:22They took them to the mall.
22:23Some of them got stuff.
22:41And if I say something that offends you,
22:43I really do apologize.
22:44That's not my intention.
22:45But if I do, just think of it this way.
22:48I just have really well-timed Tourette's.
22:58That's the great thing about having a disability.
23:01When you have one, you can have them all.
23:02Nobody's going to call you on that one, I'll tell you.
23:10Hey, Josh, you weren't blind yesterday.
23:12I'm today.
23:13Help me cross the street.
23:21Let's see how long we can hold this hand open.
23:23You guys remember from earlier?
23:37Yeah, I just had this happen to me again.
23:40I was at a restaurant with a bunch of friends,
23:44and the server went around the table
23:46and took everyone's order.
23:48And then when they got to me,
23:51they're like,
23:52and what will he have?
23:57My buddy was like,
23:58I'm guessing I'll talk with your manager.
24:11Free dinner.
24:18Now that I know that little trick,
24:20I'm walking in like a zombie in baseball.
24:30Table for nine.
24:33You guys had a lot of fun.
24:34Thank you so much.
25:48We're right back.
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