Ghosts Australia S1 by Alan Brown - Dailymotion

Alan Brown

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00:00Did I say something wrong?

00:06Kate, wait, where are you going?

00:12Kate, what's going on?

00:15Nothing, just in a minute.

00:18Kate, it's me, Lindy Darwin-Paul from Wake Up Australia.

00:23In the flesh.

00:24No, no, no, no.

00:25Well, not in the flesh exactly, but hey, no, you'll remember this.

00:28Hello, exercise, bye-bye, thunder thighs, remember?

00:31Oh, babe, no, you can't walk through stuff.

00:33That's a dead person thing.

00:43Good news is, she can see us.

00:45Bad news is, she didn't recognize me.

00:47How is that bad news?

00:49How is that news?

00:50Blend it.

00:51Now we shall simply parlay with this woman on who lives where,

00:53as in we stay and she goes.

00:54Where?

00:55To one of her other properties.

00:56As an arrest, she'll have several.

00:58Guys, why are we so obsessed with making her leave?

01:00Now we can finally find out all the important stuff that's happened since we died.

01:04Like, did Freddie Mercury ever settle down with a nice girl?

01:07And is Princess Diana the queen we all knew she would be?

01:10Are Kylie and Jason still together?

01:11Oh, my God, did the Cold War ever get hot?

01:13Was Y2K a thing?

01:14Did literally everybody do the locomotion?

01:16Or just some people?

01:18Yeah.

01:19He's shamed about her out now, boss.

01:21He says the heartless brute who kicked her into a coma.

01:23Under the instruction of a complete modern head.

01:26Guys, I'm happy to be our official ghost-to-breather liaison.

01:30What gives you the authority?

01:32You're not in the clergy.

01:33Or an admiral.

01:34Or the emperor of Australia.

01:36Okay, learning moment.

01:37Um, guys, people these days respect celebrities.

01:40What's a celebrity?

01:42Someone who's been on telly.

01:43Or the internet.

01:44What's a telly?

01:45What's the internet?

01:46What's someone who's been on?

01:47Ghosts.

01:48Like, like, actual ghosts?

01:49Yeah.

01:50Let's go lie down in your bed at the hospital.

01:52I'm sure it's just the drugs coming out of my system.

01:53Well, like, concussion.

01:54But they say it's best to stay awake, so.

01:56Oh, hey, don't worry.

01:57I totally forgive you.

01:58I mean, it must be super weird seeing a ghost.

02:00Especially a famous one.

02:02You're intimidated, right?

02:04I was intimidated when I met Ralph Harris,

02:06but then he was like, wobble, wobble.

02:07And I was like, ah, he's harmless.

02:09This is a nightmare.

02:10We need to be ruthless.

02:11So red is Chuck and green is Keith.

02:13Do you mind just starting over there?

02:14I can imagine it brings up all kinds of feelings.

02:16You know, fear, gratitude, arousal.

02:19Hey, Kate, you sure you're all good?

02:21Stop worrying.

02:22I just need you to help me with this.

02:23Let's focus on the task at hand.

02:25Hey, Kate, I lost a gold nugget somewhere in the house.

02:28So, small favor, could you pull up all the floorboards?

02:32This is June.

02:33He's a miner.

02:34Oh, the digging kind.

02:35Not like a ghost kid.

02:36That would be sad.

02:37But not as sad as like a kid down the mines.

02:38Thank God those child labor days are over, right?

02:41Hey, where do they make clutes now?

02:43Kate, are you okay?

02:44Because this can wait, you know?

02:45No, I'm totes fine.

02:46We just need to not get distracted by anyone.

02:49As in by you?

02:51Yes.

02:52Yes, because there's no one else here, obviously.

02:53Oh, well, I'm here and June's here and we're all going to be best friends.

02:56Hey, should we make a blood pact?

02:58Best friends, brother.

03:00Oh, good.

03:01A corpse bride.

03:02I beg your pardon.

03:03My name is Miranda Persephone Bathsheba Munchen.

03:04But I will also respond to Miranda.

03:05You are not real.

03:06I'm hallucinating.

03:07Oh, yes.

03:08One of my old servants used to talk to herself.

03:09Idiocy, they called it.

03:10Actually, she had your hair.

03:11It's just internalized racism.

03:12I'm a writer, you see.

03:13I'm like Miles Franklin except without all that tiresome feminism.

03:15Internalized misogyny.

03:16Internalized misogyny.

03:17And you will have the honor of scribing my debut novel.

03:18Very exciting.

03:19I'll dictate and you type.

03:20Yes?

03:21You are literate, aren't you?

03:22Oi!

03:23Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.

03:24Listen, listen.

03:25I just want to talk to you, alright?

03:26Sure, come on.

03:27I'll talk to you, alright?

03:28Sure.

03:29Come on.

03:30I'll talk to you, alright?

03:31Sure.

03:32Come on.

03:33Come on.

03:34Come on.

03:35Come on.

03:36Come on.

03:37Come on.

03:38Come on.

03:39Come on.

03:40Come on.

03:41Come on.

03:42Come on.

03:43Come on.

03:44Come on.

03:45Come on.

03:46Hey, you can't hear ya.

03:47Me and the boys soundproofed the place back in the nineties.

03:49Just so the neighbors couldn't hear the screaming.

03:51Oh.

03:52From the game nights.

03:53Karaoke, Yahtzee, murder mystery parties.

03:56Oh.

03:57And the murders.

03:58Hey, listen, listen, alright?

04:01I don't need an apology or nothing, but you overreacting and going to the hospital,

04:05that was a bit much.

04:06Get out of the way.

04:07I'm trying to tell ya, I'm not gonna hurt ya.

04:10I'm barely even here.

04:11I'm made up of like dead air and that.

04:13You could walk straight through me and you wouldn't even feel it.

04:15I walked straight into that one.

04:20Alright, we're even now, yeah?

04:25Now, you.

04:26It's Kate.

04:27Kathy?

04:28Kate.

04:29Kathy, you must understand that we mean you no harm.

04:30We simply wanted you to leave and never come back.

04:32Now, as leader...

04:33And who are you supposed to be?

04:34Captain Cook?

04:35Cook?

04:36James Cook?

04:37The only thing he cooked was his resume.

04:38Man couldn't navigate his way out of a puddle.

04:40Now, in regards to that little bump on your head, as leader of the ghosts, it is my responsibility

04:45to ensure that Satan takes full responsibility.

04:48Satan?

04:49The Prince of Darkness?

04:50No, my leather-bound first mate with the underbite and the skin of a pirate.

04:55Although his real name is Brian, but I don't believe in changing names willy-nilly, not in my New Holland.

05:01Dismissed.

05:03Am I, like, too tough?

05:05Okay.

05:06I'm too tough, hey?

05:07So she didn't recognise me.

05:08That's fine.

05:09I mean, she's only one woman, unemployed, on the verge of a mental breakdown, just at my

05:13exact target market.

05:14I mean, I could tell from her elbows that she hadn't done my workouts.

05:17But, like, what about my cookbook?

05:19And my Christmas cookbook?

05:20And my after-Christmas diet cookbook?

05:22Lynch, mate, she wasn't even born when you kicked the bucket.

05:24Buying really derailed my career, huh?

05:26But at least I reached my goal weight.

05:27I'm zero kilos.

05:28Wait.

05:29That's the tape of my show.

05:32Tape?

05:33Who tapes Bricky TV?

05:35Um, two million people tuned in to Wake Up Australia every morning.

05:39Many because of my segments, like Smoke Your Way to Skinny.

05:41We helped so many new mums.

05:43Oh, I'd murder a dud.

05:47Oh, Kate needs to see this tape.

05:49It proves my icon status.

05:51You take, you take it to, you take it to Kate, sir.

05:54Yes, let's go.

05:55Let's, let's take it to Kate.

05:56Off we go.

05:57We are taking it to Kate, aren't we?

06:02Don't worry.

06:03It's not blood.

06:04It's after birth.

06:05I pushed a baby out right there.

06:06My tenth he was, so the little bugger practically walked out.

06:07You'll be wanting at least seven if you're staffing a hotel.

06:08Twelve if they finally put in that railroad.

06:09Oh, yes, I can see you're scared.

06:10Mothering is hard.

06:11But after a few, it just gets harder.

06:16Let's say a little prayer now, shall we?

06:17Holy Father above, bless Kate and her eejit of a husband with a pitter-patter of little

06:19trotters.

06:20Let's say a little prayer now, shall we?

06:21Holy Father above, bless Kate and her eejit of a husband with a pitter-patter of little

06:22trotters.

06:23Sow her womb with the seeds of life.

06:38prayer now shall we holy father above bless kate and her eejit of a husband with a pitter-patter

06:44of little treasures sow her womb with the seeds of life

06:57hey oh nice pjs no absolutely not out huh kate your husband took something very important to

07:03me and threw it away they're not married did i ask hey mirrors don't work for us anymore

07:08am i still chinese what do i look like you're very handsome uh thank you now about my novel

07:13any other room my bedroom go look i don't know what tash has told you about me but uh my divorce

07:18isn't final yet what great you met lewis wait is there a lewis that you can see too he's hooking up

07:24the mbn oh oh hi hi lewis hi hi i'm so sorry i haven't slept very well so i'm a little bit frazzled

07:32yeah no it's all right look your tree changes are all the same you move to the country with

07:36dreams of growing your own food and making your own clothes and then you get bored then one night

07:41you drink too much and one of you say maybe we should open things up oh no no no no not what

07:45i meant you all have fantasies about the hot nbn guy okay what's happening i don't know you threw out

07:51my tape he complimented me on my pajamas i assumed that he was a man of taste yeah i am because i'm an

07:57interior designer and i'm a plumber oh and a chippy and a sparky and a landscaper and a roofer

08:03which you would know if you'd ask one single question about me before trying to get into my tool

08:07bag ah thank you but no thank you um well that's what you get for throwing out my tape because the

08:15highest rate of data has gone within a hundred kilometers lewis what is happening right now this

08:20mirror is crazy it's not a mirror you luddite it's a time machine like the time machine from the

08:25novel the time machine they're all back to the future you can't go back to the future why not

08:30maybe if you don't understand the genre you shouldn't participate in the conversation yeah

08:33you're not smiling because you read a book it's called a novel kate i understand if you have to

08:37ignore me in front of the general public my last boyfriend did the same but now the general public

08:41is gone so i wondered if we could be best friends already coffee take me back to hospital

08:46good plan everyone wants a famous friend don't they stop touching the time machine don't you kate

08:53we'll talk to a doctor i'm sure this sort of thing happens all the time what people are just

08:57suddenly hounded by needy ghosts what if the doctor fixes her brain and then she can't see us anymore

09:02well then we'll unfix her brain how i'll get satan to push her over as many times as necessary aren't you

09:07guys excited to like meet somebody new that girline isn't gonna be your friend she's young and alive

09:15you're old and dead now the key would be to run at it i mean i never get to have any female friends

09:20because they're always so jealous of me because of the way what are you doing i'm going back to

09:23the past to tell my past self not to lose my gold but why are you walking backwards because i go back

09:29to the past no you go back to the future ah satan we have been over this i got two callbacks for

09:35young talent time i was nominated for best new talent please calm yourself lindy here i go back to the

09:44gold mine bye everyone on the cover of tv with magazine careful now look what you've done june

09:50could be lost in the past forever i'm sorry june you're the past mate i'm in some kind of teacup

09:58bowl cave yeah i'm 90 sure he's in the kitchen

10:05okay okay i'm sure it's just concussion or maybe the stress of living with my boyfriend for the first

10:11time or sudden home ownership um but i'm seeing people from different time periods and um they

10:16want things from me all the time all day now there's no need to get hysterical excuse me it seems the

10:23accident brought you so close to death that you gained the ability to see dead people oh well that's

10:28like an actual diagnosable like a medical condition listen sweetheart like i told my wife

10:33you need to calm down and listen while a man is talking

10:42sorry to keep you i'm dr green don't worry she's good for a woman so what seems to be a problem

10:51in terms of your ct scan everything looks fine sorry you did

10:56move move move those boxes from the pelvis just like elvis come on big boy you can do it

11:05fire tape why do you want this tape so bad because if i wasn't famous then who am i

11:12i just feel like i don't have any friends in the house you know mom and i were so close we shared

11:18everything dreams clothes men what with eileen there's a generation gap i mean there's like 10

11:25gaps and with miranda she has how do i say this stick up her eyes no that's mean although maybe that

11:31would be helpful but she has terrible posture i don't know maybe i'm just not best friend material

11:39what are you talking about you're fit pretty hot yeah and those are really important best friend

11:45qualities but i just feel like maybe i wasn't important to anyone you know i wasn't a third

11:51commander like gideon or a wife or a mom yet you weren't a mom yet satan with the amount of chardonnay

12:02i had for breakfast i was never gonna be a mom drunk people have kids all the time look at eileen she's

12:06got like 30 of them i just mean like i feel like i don't have a best friend that i can talk to in the

12:11house and forever feels like a really long time to not have a best friend

12:28i mean you could talk to me lindy where mates satan everyone knows that men and women can't be

12:34friends someone always falls in love eventually yeah yeah eventually

12:41it's a universal fact like how women can't drive and men shouldn't be left alone with children

12:47oh i don't know that that's a bit harsh don't you think some women can drive yeah legally yeah

13:04oh hey how'd you go you cured

13:18can we get out of here yeah yeah come on let's go hey what happened

13:24okay

13:47okay so dead people everywhere yep with horrific injuries

13:53what kate that's awful are they like evil well one of the ones in there is literally

14:00captain cook's frenemy so is there any mob like like can you see any ancestors no i can't oh what

14:08what it's the hot chinese minor okay you didn't mention he was hot yeah well he's also a pantless

14:14what and he's oh yep he's right up in my face can you come fix the time machine i just ended up in the

14:19kitchen um can't they just walk through windows yeah i don't know why i did that sean what are we

14:26gonna do okay you know what we just we just leave the house yeah and we'll deal with all that horrible

14:32loan stuff later no this is my house sean i'm not leaving so they have to yeah yeah yeah yeah oh you know

14:47what why don't we call your mom and we can do like a smoking ceremony like she found uncle tony last

14:52year and she can just smoke out the bad spirits and now that i'm looking at you maybe not no no i don't

15:00want to get mom involved sean also i'm not from here so it's really not our place valuable teaching moment

15:05but they don't know that

15:12okay i am giving you one hour to vacate the premises or i'm smoking you out mob rules

15:21why are you laughing surely and that isn't how it works mother said ladies who smoke in public

15:26strumpets are you kidding smoking looks cool it burns calories it helps you breathe shorter it's like the

15:31only thing in life without a downside i'm not smoking ciggies i'm gonna smoke you out of

15:35i wish you would stop talking about smoking that was awesome if it was that easy i would have been

15:42sucked off after the fire of 1895. wait suck sucked off did the pantless guy say that it's the process

15:49of ascending from this mortal realm to whatever lies above or below egypt that's going down going down was

15:57this place a brothel no i for a short time it was yes i am so in the dark bit of ghost logic kate you

16:04stay where you die and how you die oh yes i can see that it was a misunderstanding hang on so you are

16:10all stuck here do you think i would go have a date with these people otherwise stuck is a negative term

16:15i'm honored to stand guard over my land always was always will be that's why you'll always be a human

16:22kebab oh i'd murder a kebab sorry the electricity fritzes whenever i get upset or excited or horny that

16:30still happens yeah i still get stiffies speak for yourselves my curtains are practically canvas they

16:37repel all water what like a dry as a bone hey as a bone dry as a bone what's happening is it working yeah

16:47fixing the fuse box is a little tricky the key is actually just remembering the order which is

16:53easy because i've made it a dance okay so it's yo knob red knob wiggle wiggle boom boom turn around

17:00underground lights are down oh that's nonsense oh they're just convict spiders for some reason they

17:09prefer it down here don't ask why not um oh because i don't know sorry i thought that was obvious the

17:15the dart reminds us of the ship such a magical time i thought the conditions were awful you've been

17:19talking to gideon he was third fleet he would say that fake news first break rules first break rules

17:30hurry up hurry up the spiders are sensing my fear okay so follow me so i want to go yellow knob red knob

17:38yellow knob red knob and then wiggle wiggle is that necessary well your uncle once sat in the dark

17:44for a month because he didn't wiggle okay um wiggle boom boom boom turn around that one yes underground

17:58it's lindy right yes um but you can just call me this is my new best friend lindy

18:16what are you all right yes good i just i thought i feel so happy that i could die

18:28again problem was he wasn't going fast enough that's what i said that's why he ended up in

18:32the kitchen not the past don't listen 88 miles an hour all right who wants to watch a bit of wake up

18:37australia where's your telly what do you think that is well it's certainly not a time machine i told you

18:42that time machines have got cars sit down welcome to pump and dump mummy just because you're stuck in

18:50the house doesn't mean you can't work out oh my god it's actually you whoa you look great you're

18:57welcome grab anything heavy your man's tinnies will do just fine oh oh i know her my mum had all her

19:03videos used to watch them all the time when my parents went to bed and oh my god she's in the room isn't

19:07she there you go and do you were famous for self-polluting young men i know and it's all i ever

19:14wanted until now now i want friendship as well hey babe can you can you tell her i was joking i was

19:19joking i was joking obviously it's so fine well don't worry you just made her afterlife we both did

19:24okay and remember if you're hungry no you're not i actually thought it would get her sucked off but

19:38no i will need an explanation for that at some point we're marching like we're in the army just kidding

19:46we're girls we can't join pick up your knees cheree i saw you have that cheesecake at lunch

19:56and what what happened what happened uncle alfred taped over you sorry no please that's all right

20:03linds we'll watch a family movie instead yeah something like scarface wait wait i want to see

20:07what happens my goodness that looks exactly like daddy's prize merino prince william bunty mcdangaloo

20:14no no no no change it is there anything on colonization what's that say colonoscopy

20:20oh that'll be right up your alley this is nice isn't it

20:36sorry stage fright no they're not here we're alone promise

20:44hey so kate i want to know all about your first patch mine was with my cousin leslie that's gross

20:58can you please get out no it wasn't as bad as you think we've known each other our whole lives so out

21:02at least my flatmates had boundaries i have boundaries i just want to know how flexible kate is

21:07out okay i can't go it's our first sleepover sleepover club

21:12so

21:14so

21:22so

21:24so

21:26so

21:30so

Ghosts Australia Season 01 Episode 02

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Ghosts Australia S1

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