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00:02hello hello so I'm clearing out the crawl space come across some shit from you guys
00:06were kids you can fight about the memories okay why in the hell did you and mom let me
00:14cut my own hair hey you were dumb enough to ask you were dumb enough to learn looky here we
00:17have
00:17early signs of talent that was grade six you remember grade six dad barely shitting on my
00:23head you did this in grade six it was a it was a group project I think most of the
00:27stuff in here
00:27would get a teacher fired today no dude Todd is inattentive he would have more friends if he
00:32stopped picking his scrotum and sniffing markers at least it's not the other way around oh look at
00:36this one self-driven independent thinker a pleasure to teach the world needs more Audrey's aren't you
00:43perfect four and a winner baby oh yeah Mr. Byrd did not like you fucking prick I hate that guy
00:52hot damn Miss Walton oh here we go that was your teacher crush crush of all crushes oh my god
00:58those
00:58tight short skirts and those long legs to this day I still can't walk past a pantyhose aisle they're
01:03getting dizzy Todd's not reaching his full potential struggles with focus easily overwhelmed
01:09was I good at anything you could run fast help yourself dad hey I'm retired tends to panic during
01:16presentations needs to work on this especially after the spelling bee incident fuck's sake what was the
01:22spelling bee incident it was nothing it was something gave the poor kid the word baloney he froze up he
01:27went
01:27white as drywall and crumbled like a cheap sawhorse didn't ya baloney it's not even a hard word I could
01:33spell it now I was 12 oh yeah okay spell it baloney b a already wrong oh I hate that
01:40word it's a big
01:41word oh look at this one a born leader Audrey could be prime minister damn I peaked early oh you
01:48peaked
01:48all right peek sniffing teachers asses and polishing apples for extra credit yeah yeah yeah this is all
01:53ancient history come on who wants to peak at 11 anyway hey now well you gotta peak sometime right
01:58toddy don't worry there's still hope you're not that old you're so fucking funny odds
02:08I always thought miss walton was just a flirty lady who bathed in perfume but now I'm like holy
02:12shit maybe she actually saw something in me or maybe she wanted fewer parent teacher meetings
02:16no it's kind of wild right I mean a year ago I was folding jeans at jean machine and now
02:20I've got a stiletto hammer I got apprentices asking me where the good gloves are I mean maybe I'm actually
02:26becoming the person she thought I could be miss walton probably still thinks I'm a dumbass
02:29I bet she tells that fucking spell on me story all the time yeah she's still alive never heard of
02:35cutting in half their dick brain then I'd have to chew twice like why make more work for myself
02:40Todd uh earplugs please oh shit let's go what's up there's been a mercury spill in the river
02:49was it us I don't know yet but it's a reminder to produce that community outreach video
02:53conk cares conk cares corn pulse just released a promo called corn pulse connects and we're
02:59getting slaughtered in the pr game I don't really know much about making videos like do I have to
03:02be on camera no you just need to assemble the right people you're good at organizing chaos it's not
03:06really my field of expertise I'll do it oh yeah I was head of the av club in high school
03:11she asked me to do it I'll do it Todd I'm the only person that you know who can make
03:16a video like
03:17that okay but you have actual work to do what about that so change of plans Todd you're with me
03:22just got word that the mercury could be us so we need to address the media huh isn't that a
03:27head
03:27office problem no it's an imperial valley problem and we're imperial valley just don't sweat it it'll
03:32be a bunch of local reporters you probably went to high school with okay but if I help you then
03:36who's gonna do the video can wait or I can start right now wow look at your initiative yeah all
03:42right Audrey it's yours what do you need nothing Tanner you're my guy he just got a new phone come
03:48here sorry what do I do it get over here what do you mean by address the media don't worry
03:52you're
03:53gonna kill the questions there's gonna be questions just turned my sandwich into a panini man thanks guy
04:03bro what a fucking day okay we're looking at fast cuts real people I want it to feel sexy this
04:09isn't
04:09gonna be some fucking lame-ass corporate video where some lazy-eyed asshole drools into the camera
04:13okay we are going to tell people a story we are taking them on a journey to the soul of
04:18this place
04:18they're gonna laugh they're gonna cry let's show the world what conch is really about okay is this
04:25the part where I pretend where I know what I'm doing until someone yells at me yep that someone will
04:30be
04:30me wonderful yeah get your camera let's get this over with
04:51it's fucking huge yeah that doesn't look great yeah things got its own tide that's not a blob
04:59that's a bio just finished the test yeah sorry this is above my pay grade oh that's great and
05:05our investigate is quitting my wife and I are planning on having kids I'd like them to come
05:08out symmetrical pussy homer what I'm union I'm not polite yo are we fucked yep whoa come this monster
05:16in there look at that please have some good news okay afraid not it's definitely us it's got conch
05:22signature runoff mercury lead and a very familiar amount of negligence Todd we had a chat and uh the
05:29media contact it's you you're the guy what not on my own no no no no no you love this
05:35kind of thing
05:35you used to vlog your hangovers you've spoken for thousands of people in your flair stack world tour
05:39come on I'm the solutions guy and we don't have a solution you need to stall until we uh find
05:45one
05:45that I can take full credit for what about you Chelsea you're site manager oh we need someone
05:49who can speak small town someone who can talk to that guy who fucking beardo now listen this is our
05:53window we say nothing we look like we're hiding something but I don't know what to say or how to
05:57say it you do not want me riffing up there trust me correct that's why we're gonna write you a
06:02script
06:03talking points sound bites I don't like a couple of jokes if the vibes feel right you'll do great
06:08okay okay stick with me get our first subject somebody good oh all right keep it coming
06:19roach video time guys score what the fuck are you guys doing yeah what are you doing man
06:26I'm not a plumber what taser what oh hey uh nothing I own these um I haven't asked you anything
06:35yet
06:36but okay here we go describe the conch experience in one word gone oh look at this roach the fuck
06:47where are you going better take a shit there he goes fuck was that all right let's go get roach
06:52maybe he'll be better I doubt it hey roach quick interview okay just don't smoke on camera
06:58okay what has conch done for the community uh I get free drugs and my teeth cleaned what
07:05how does that relate to the community uh the pharmacy guy and the teeth doctor get our
07:10businesses right so all right finish my sentence for some it's a job for others it's a job am I
07:20right thanks for nothing roach well told you beauty that went really great get your own morning after
07:30bill what do I look like a school nurse oh my god Steffi I'm so glad to see you honey
07:35it is so
07:36difficult working with people who don't take you seriously I am trying to make art you get me
07:43you got a beautiful face will you please give me some star power oh you think you can handle the
07:48wattage let's find out roll the cam words of wisdom for the conch cares video
07:56get yourself a tetanus shot and don't fall off the flare stack anything a little bit I don't know
08:02warmer I got work to do here don't sleep with backwoods oh give me this give me this okay repeat
08:10after me I feel at home at conch I feel at home at conch that's perfect if we're making a
08:17horror film
08:17but we're we're not trying to terrify people we're trying to excite them right I'm gonna shout out some
08:22emotions and you infuse the words with the vibe okay okay okay happy I feel at home at conch okay
08:30sexy I feel at home at conch Jesus I feel at home at conch yeah and what are you like
08:38Oliver Stoner
08:40fuck off guys Alfred Spliffcock hey did you guys sign those out twice man I kill at foam at honk
08:47fuck my life here just fucking take this we're done here use your wee fucked up voice and uh try
08:55to
08:55cry if you can okay hey hi hey hi ho get to the cue cards um our commitment to what
09:09the fuck is
09:10this what are these words like it's hard to read who wrote this I was in a rush I can
09:17read it we hear
09:18the crotch conch conch you ever stare at a word too long and it stops looking like a word everyone
09:27no uh conch is that even how it's spelled it's not a spelling contest just read it anyway there's a
09:33lot
09:33of technical mumbo-jumbo in these notes uh carbon trails don't skip river acidity you know what I
09:44left my science brain in the truck so if you're worried don't be I mean this is basically like
09:51three-mile island or Fukushima or you know the uh I didn't write the Exxon Baldi's which turned out okay
09:59and none of those places complain they didn't bitch about a little radiation or glowing otters and
10:05you know they didn't stop having kids hell no they probably had more kids because they couldn't go
10:10outside well I guess that's gonna be about it for me wrap it up in a sandwich pull them out
10:20baloney
10:45hey bro jesus there he is do you have five minutes for my concares promo piece
10:50I need silence in another drinking box come on Todd everyone else is fucking treating this like a
10:56joke they're disrespecting me and my crew I need you your crew isn't just you and mini tripod over
11:01here with a fucking cell phone hey I'm five five sure you are fine you've got five perfect
11:11this is general foreman Todd Stuhl he's also my brother that's right at conch we're one big shiny
11:18family some of us are shinier than others and how would you describe this family Todd I don't know
11:28dysfunctional a bunch of peer pressuring pricks fuck you man trying to fucking tank this Jesus I
11:33thought I could count on you oh come on odds you hijacked the assignment now I'm the assholes I don't
11:38want to smile through it didn't hijack the assignment Chelsea gave it to me because I'm the only one
11:41around here who gives a shit maybe if you gave less of a shit about being a star and more
11:45about being
11:45part of a team the crew wouldn't treat your passion project like a joke should I still be filming this
11:49no okay Jesus Todd you've been grumpy since middle school at least I didn't peak in middle school well
11:54talent never dies neither does herpes odds doesn't even make a film about it hey sorry as you can
12:00finish this later let me get a sibling rivalry help me okay table it all right on to the next
12:09come with me how you doing your head okay okay okay good listen we're pulling you from the media
12:16scrum we can't have our gf blacking out on camera again it just looks a little bad for the you
12:21know
12:22everything all right okay miss conch you look amazing today do you have time for a quick
12:31interview no no no no just a quick conversation I said no we just need one sound right no time
12:36there she goes is this the janitor's closet oh yeah it's a closet she's so fucking nuts
12:41okay um through the door then can you tell me a little bit about conch caring from the family
12:47perspective oh my god there's a bird in the closet bird in that closet no there's no bird in the
12:53closet never mind it was a feather duster uh anyway granddaddy conch built an empire less on caring
13:04more on rules silence and fear you know classic family father shit okay just one more question
13:09before you go I have to go damage control your brother's fainting spell what oh fuck that's why
13:17Todd was freaking out I thought he was just being Todd yeah being kind of a dick I was yeah
13:26are you zooming in on me stop that come on
13:35go go go go
13:39well what a turnout hot damn guys I have some really good news at conch we are in a true
13:48partnership with mother nature right I mean that old gal can flood a town and what do we do we
13:54pivot
13:55when we leak an itty bitty amount of mercury into the river she just I don't know hides it in
14:01fishes
14:01or something right oh no no she keeps making it sound like no big deal they'll think we're burying
14:06barrels oh well she keeps talking it all we'll be burying the company you feel down again huh
14:13I might have a little seems like I'm still a fucking fuck up no hey hey hey hey hey you
14:19remember your
14:19uncle Jerry like your brother yeah yeah you remember when you were 13 and you help him after he crashed
14:24a sea-doo into his ex-wife's pool I remember being fucking wasted he thought he was at the marina
14:28that's the day that's the day that night he phoned me he says to me Todd's my guy how's the
14:33kind of
14:34kid who's ready to help out if I ever killed somebody Todd would be the first one there with shovels
14:37and
14:37snacks you don't judge you just show up you do your best when you're there whether it's you know
14:43helping your drunk uncle Jerry and a sea-doo out of a pool or comforting your community after an
14:46environmental disaster you're there thanks dad oh no she doesn't she just crashes right on in
14:58uninvited like my aunt Marilyn half drunk on some cheap-ass rosƩ she's killing us let me fix this
15:05that ship capsized no offense I know but I want another shot I've been fainting in front of public
15:11crowds since grade six like I'm due for a win well hopefully the podium comes with a handrail this
15:16you're getting back up there we spin this you don't apologize anthropomorphize it toxic spills
15:22don't sell but Bobby the safety sludge that's a brand give him a jingle you know I'm serious
15:28Smokey the Bear Pillsbury Doughboy it could be like the Michelin man meets Slimer people love a weird
15:34little creep with a smile anything's better than this shit show how about you drink some of the water
15:39yeah but I am doing an intermittent fasting so uh no liquids until sundown we need clean water
15:46and a real apology come on it's a complicated issue
15:53okay
15:56what the can do I got this okay we're gonna fix this not with bullshit with work and maybe sandbags
16:08I don't know
16:08yet you know what fuck this follow me let's go you want me to drink the water I'll drink the
16:26fuck the water
16:35anybody have a container or glass to put some water in anybody thanks conky
16:49oh what's he doing
16:52oh Todd
17:04why don't you drink the whole thing not just a sip
17:15that's it keep it down keep it down every last drop
17:27not bad
17:37mercury speaking
17:38we all grew up on this river we fished in it we swam in it we probably swallowed some of
17:43it
17:43and yeah I mean it's full of mercury now but so are most of us when I was in elementary
17:49school
17:49I broke a thermometer open and I touched the mercury I thought it was cool
17:53and fuck it full disclosure I licked it on a dare and then I licked it again for attention
17:59and I turned out mostly normal the thing is most of us have stories like that
18:05we're all still here we're all still weird and we're all pretty much normal
18:09I'm not saying it's good but to pretend it didn't happen isn't gonna fix it
18:12we all released our pet goldfish in this water take a look at these
18:15half my chompers are mercury
18:17I lit a jar of this water on fire to impress my girlfriend
18:20now she's my wife
18:26behold Todd's stool leading by example which in this case means drinking contaminated water on camera
18:31he's also my brother
18:33you got this bro
18:34here's the thing if we're stuck with this blob let's own it
18:38let's make it our own
18:40I say we name the fucking thing
18:41yeah
18:42all right
18:43Globby
18:43that's a friendly name
18:44nice dad
18:45how about uh
18:46little spilly
18:48mercury
18:50gnarly
18:50just spitball in here what about blob gnarly
18:53oh that's good
18:54huh
18:55little spilly's just a misunderstood pile
18:57all right I think we have a winner
18:58what
18:59oh my god
19:00society made him foxy
19:01I want royalties
19:02I guess this is what peaking feels like
19:04somewhere out there is blob gnarly
19:07good job
19:08you stayed upright you didn't shit yourself that's gross
19:10ugh
19:11damn extra pair of pants
19:13kidding
19:14smell it obviously
19:15oh I know
19:16with you trades guys it's always about shit and piss
19:18and the occasional cock
19:20hey Todd
19:22still need to make my video
19:23except none of the guys will play ball
19:25half of them think that I'm filming a prank show
19:28I'm their boss I can make them dance
19:31let's show everybody that we're functional
19:32aww
19:33you do care
19:34no
19:35but I can fake it for five minutes
19:36cool
19:37that's six more than usual
19:40okay
19:41into the camera
19:42and
19:43action
19:43yeah well my old man worked here
19:45and uh
19:46now I do
19:47and hopefully my son after me
19:49it's uh
19:50it's not always easy
19:51but
19:52when you're in a jam
19:53people show up
19:54nice
19:54and it's a job where I can be unapologetically weird
19:57and get paid
19:58the big bucks
19:59not a bad deal
20:00one of a kind Dewey
20:02I care about the lunch truck
20:03okay
20:04and that's
20:05that's all that you want to say for the video?
20:07what video?
20:09cockroach
20:10Conk has covered me through uh
20:11two divorces
20:12four injuries
20:13and one surprise custody hearing
20:15aww
20:16that's important
20:17okay
20:17well if you need a nail gun or an alibi
20:20someone's got you
20:21Conk isn't a perfect place
20:23but when the shit hits the fan
20:25people show up
20:26they care
20:27about the work
20:28the town
20:29and each other
20:29it's not some corporate mission statement
20:31it's just
20:33how it is
20:33yeah
20:34you get the picture
20:36t-shirts
20:37hats
20:37hoodies
20:38all proceeds go to the cleanup
20:39or sandbags
20:40or whatever helps
20:41we made this mess
20:42and we'll deal with it
20:43because
20:45Conk cares
20:47okay
20:49well I guess you're not a complete failure
20:50oh high praise from a guy who head butted a podium on live tv
20:54and who had the brilliant idea of letting the town name a toxic blob
20:58i mean that was homer's idea but who's counting
21:01you know i never gave a damn about your report cards
21:03i didn't need any teacher to tell me who my kids were
21:06you came out strong
21:07you came out smart
21:08you came on mine
21:10oh
21:10just so you know that sexy crush of yours miss walton
21:12mm-hmm
21:13yeah
21:13she was a box wine drunk
21:15really
21:15i should know
21:16i banged her
21:20what
21:20it was the only a i ever got
21:24ew guys
21:25i'm so jealous
21:46honestly the most frequent thing that happens here in terms of safety is like
21:49dudes getting their dicks caught in their zippers and i don't go into the bathroom for that i send homer
21:53in
21:54he likes it
21:55the mercury blob will be contained
21:57this is not our first rodeo
21:59i mean it is our first rodeo
22:01it's just not the first rodeo
22:03there are plenty of rodeos out there
22:05it's happened before
22:06the point is the technology is there
22:08we will clean it up
22:09things will be fine
22:10life will go on
22:11all right
22:12are we done?
22:13okay we're totally fine