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BRITCOM I
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00:00We did it, Gerard. Empty, uninhabited land.
00:14Natives may have been here, sir.
00:15Oh, my dear paranoid fast pot, do you see any natives around?
00:20Well, that could have been left by wild animals.
00:23Ah, look, a large mammal that's capable of shedding its fur.
00:27Incredible, sir.
00:28Ah, Gerard, the oar. Quickly. Quickly, man.
00:32Here we go. Yes, thank you, best friend.
00:36By order of the king, I hereby claim this land for his majesty, King George.
00:42Oh, the settlers will be so excited. Let's release the celebratory rabbits.
00:46Yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:47Oh, oh, oh, Bunnikins and Flopsy will provide healthy recreation for our new settlement.
00:54Oh, farewell, adorable vermin.
00:59Oh, oh, have fun getting shot at for sport.
01:02All right. Now, go forth and multiply. Such a sustainable choice.
01:08Shall we release the cane toads as well, sir?
01:11Tomorrow.
01:12Come on. Come on. Come on. Cuddle time is over. Come on, Gerard, sing the song.
01:18Two best friends, two bunny friends, two best bunny friends.
01:23Oh, they can't leave me. They can't leave me. They'll never leave me, but they have to leave me.
01:30I think it's time, sir.
01:32All right. Goodbye. Goodbye.
01:35What do you reckon people do in the country?
01:40Like, should we take up a hobby? Bushwalking or...
01:43Bird watching?
01:44Yeah. Fishing?
01:46No, we can do it. We can swim.
01:47No, we can't.
01:48Yep.
01:48No, no, we can't, Kate. No.
01:50No, we can't. According to the farmer's markets, this is home to a particularly spiteful family of bull sharks and jellyfish and algae.
01:56Look.
01:57No, no. Kate, don't. Let me check the shark out.
02:00There's no bull sharks. No jellyfish. There's nothing even remotely dangerous about these waters. Look.
02:04Yoo-hoo!
02:05Oh, hi, hi.
02:06We're the neighbours.
02:09Hello.
02:10Richard.
02:12Joy.
02:14We're coming over.
02:15Jim, take us over.
02:19It's electric.
02:20Lovely to finally meet you. We were wondering who owned this vast land.
02:25Hardly vast, but we have been away. We've just come back from the most wonderful round-the-world cruise.
02:32How lovely.
02:33Do you cruise?
02:35No.
02:36No.
02:36No, actually. No.
02:39Have you been here long?
02:40Oh, well, you could say that.
02:42Richard is descended from the town's founder, Gerard Larkin.
02:47Wow.
02:48Gerard Larkin founded the town?
02:51Ha!
02:51Why, I could bore you all day with details on why she's wrong.
02:53For starters, I was the one first off the landing party.
02:56I put my foot down, and I remember it because I got soggy socks for a week.
02:59And I'm sixth generation, so you could say we've always been here.
03:03No.
03:04Wow.
03:04With the colony in need of new pastures for livestock, the governor had approved an expedition to settle the fertile lands beyond the three water holes.
03:13Well, well, well, let me tell you how that went, Catherine.
03:15Not very well, Gerard.
03:16I'm sure you've noticed that our mutual boundaries and dire straits, hang on.
03:23It was, of course, a great honour to be chosen to lead the partner.
03:26Oh, sorry.
03:26I just tripped.
03:28Fixing the fence?
03:28Yeah, that's right.
03:30I've got a couple of quotes.
03:31Looks like it's going to come in at 40.
03:32Dollars?
03:3440,000.
03:35Dollars?
03:36Dollars.
03:36But split between two.
03:37It's only 20 grand each.
03:39Sound reasonable?
03:39No, there's literally not 20k in here for a stupid fence.
03:49I mean, they're well off, can't we just cry poor?
03:52Oh, I'm not a fan of crying poor to rich white people, no.
03:55But you are poor.
03:56Your man is also born, Adel, or he'd be fixing the fence himself.
03:59Don't give him the satisfaction.
04:00Larkin's a sketchy ass.
04:02Oh, what do you know?
04:03Nothing.
04:04Snitches get stitches, and stitches can get heavily infected.
04:06Wait, what do you know?
04:07No, what, nothing.
04:08I just, what happens on a private property between a man, a woman, and their dog is I
04:12don't want to talk about it.
04:13The Larkins were low down, sheep-doppered, and worse, Protestants.
04:20The Larkins stole my radishes.
04:22They did not.
04:24Oh, my goodness.
04:24I think you're all forgetting that the Larkins are very rich and therefore better people.
04:29My fiancé Roland was a Larkin.
04:31General consensus is the Larkins are terrible.
04:33Give or take Miranda's fiancé.
04:35Okay, look, the Larkins may be cringing and everything.
04:37But they are our neighbours.
04:38So why don't we just invite them over to drinks, and we can blow smoke up their butts.
04:42Okay, but no crying poor.
04:43No, no, no crying poor.
04:44Crying nice.
04:47Deal.
04:47Ugh, I love crying.
04:49So it's a dinner party, then?
04:50I love crying at dinner parties.
04:53Hey, guys!
04:55Notice you've got some jungly patches, so we're lending you the beast.
05:00Yeah!
05:00Yeah!
05:03Costs an absolute bomb, but she purrs.
05:06Meow!
05:07Woof, woof, woof, woof.
05:09No ripshade leg.
05:11There you go, sweetheart.
05:14I'm sure you've noticed our little vineyard, by the way.
05:17Yeah!
05:18We stomp the grapes with our own bare feet.
05:21Mm.
05:22Mm.
05:23Cheers.
05:24Cheers.
05:24Mm.
05:27Mm.
05:28We named it Gerard's Grapes after Richard's famous ancestor.
05:32Mm.
05:32It's really, um, it's a gazesty.
05:35Mm.
05:35The obfuscation continues.
05:37Why, this portrait is, well, shall we say, very flattering.
05:41Hmm.
05:41Your uncle seemed a bit of a sad character.
05:45You know, reclusive.
05:47I never met him.
05:48He was on my dad's side, so.
05:49And your mother is...
05:50Indian?
05:52First Nations.
05:53Of course.
05:54How lovely.
05:55Oh.
05:56Do you know the Johnsons?
05:57They're the Aboriginal family in town.
05:59No, I don't.
06:01No.
06:01That portrait is far smoother of skin and bushy of moustache than when I knew Gerard,
06:05and when he was busy not founding the town,
06:08the man was a pleb.
06:11This is so yum.
06:13Do you mind if I grab a top up?
06:14I'll give you a life.
06:15The 2022 is an amazing finish, doesn't it?
06:17Yes.
06:18Yes.
06:19So good.
06:29I need you to distract Gideon for me.
06:31Okay.
06:32Gideon.
06:33What?
06:34Uh.
06:35Spit it out, man.
06:38What is this?
06:39What are you doing?
06:39Stop that.
06:40Stop.
06:40Yeah.
06:41I need you to listen to your story.
06:42Uh.
06:43Please.
06:44I'll buy you a metal detector.
06:45What?
06:46It detects metal.
06:47What?
06:48Gold is a metal.
06:50Ah.
06:51Hmm.
06:52Gideon.
06:53Mm.
06:53Caw.
06:54To hear your story would be an honour.
06:56Please talk at me.
06:58Finally.
07:01Joy.
07:02Joy.
07:02Would you like to come over here and tell me more about the, um,
07:04Grenache key?
07:05Aren't you gorgeous?
07:07It's Grenache.
07:08Just love how much light this place gets.
07:10You, uh, a dog man, sure?
07:13Uh, I'm a turtle man.
07:15Yeah, I had turtles as a kid.
07:18Yeah.
07:18I had a gorgeous Kelpie once.
07:21Mm-hmm.
07:21Grover.
07:22Yeah.
07:25I'm a Kelpie man.
07:26Uh-oh.
07:27Yeah.
07:28Mm.
07:29He just ran away one day.
07:31It's possible I loved him too much.
07:34Oh.
07:35The thing is, we're, like, six months off opening the guest house.
07:39Twelve.
07:40Twelve.
07:40Twelve.
07:41Twelve months, really.
07:42Um, yeah.
07:43And then after that, once the revenue starts coming in, we're more than happy to pay for
07:45the fence.
07:46Well, Richard and I have had a little chat and we're happy to cover the costs.
07:53Really?
07:53Really?
07:54Really?
07:55I mean...
07:55That's very generous.
07:56See?
07:57Wonderful rich people.
07:59There's always a catch with a proddy.
08:00I'm not taking my eye off these two.
08:02We'll just need to move the fence back to where it belongs, two birds and all that.
08:07Sorry?
08:07Oh, that sad old thing's built three metres too close to our house.
08:12Oh, too close?
08:14Uh, you can't even see the fence from your place.
08:17Look, a bit of a tits-up, honestly.
08:18Our son, Dickie Jr., did the work.
08:21I mean, very talented, very fast, just a little too fast.
08:26Nearly as fast as Grover.
08:27You know, a whistle, he'd be all over me and a flash and jumping up and licking and nibbling.
08:32No, Richard.
08:34You want my land.
08:37Well, yes.
08:39You spiritually, your land.
08:41But technically, you know.
08:43Legally ours.
08:44As it transpired, the land around Ram's Head wasn't completely uninhabited.
08:58Are you all right?
08:59This is helping me listen.
09:01Just so you know, that gesture is quite offensive to Anglo-Saxons.
09:07There was an incident at one of our spiffy new fences.
09:14Hello, chaps.
09:17Good morning.
09:17What's this?
09:19Kangaroo or a possum, perhaps?
09:21May I?
09:26Oh, yummy.
09:28Gerard, do you remember that Spanish barbacoa?
09:30I dare say this is even better.
09:31That's mutton, sir.
09:34They killed one of our sheep.
09:36They must be punished.
09:38Oh.
09:39Oh, I see.
09:40Well, my dear impetuous hothead, the king's orders are to establish cordial relations with the natives.
09:44The picture card's Gerard.
09:46Here you go.
09:48Yes.
09:49Sally.
09:50Broke a hip.
09:52Don't ride roos.
09:54Erm.
09:55Sheep.
09:56Fluffy.
09:56Moronic.
09:57Delicious.
09:58Barbacoa.
09:59But they're ours, you see.
10:01And the punishment for theft is...
10:05Where's the hanging cart?
10:07It should be in there.
10:08The, erm, er...
10:10Man go bye-bye.
10:14Er, er...
10:15Er...
10:15Er...
10:17Er...
10:17Yes, yes, yes, I know.
10:19Rather nasty business, isn't it?
10:21But worry not.
10:22Since I have claimed this land for the crown,
10:25you're now subjects of the king.
10:28Which means that you're now under king's law.
10:30You're king.
10:31Our land.
10:32Oh, the king's English.
10:34Bravo, sir.
10:35You block our waterholes.
10:36You block our hunting.
10:37Well, how about this, my noble friend.
10:39I'll write to the governor.
10:41How long's that gonna take?
10:42Er, well, he may need to write back to his majesty in England.
10:46So it should only take about a year or two.
10:48And in the meantime, I'll let you chaps off with a warning.
10:51No, this is us letting you off with a warning.
10:55Oh, that's a threat, sir.
10:57There may be some discontents if you just let them off.
11:00Oh, Piers, no, this is going to be a wonderful exchange.
11:02We'll teach them to be civilised,
11:04and they'll teach us some delicious recipes.
11:05I say, what's the secret seasoning?
11:08Salt bush and stolen land.
11:10Er...
11:10Er...
11:11It means piss off and don't come back.
11:13Oh, piss off, man.
11:16Piss, is that a...
11:17Space?
11:30Richard.
11:31No.
11:36Where are they?
11:38I'm starving.
11:39It's rude.
11:40And do you know the Johnsons?
11:42Come on.
11:43I don't know.
11:44I thought Richard's dog thing was a red flag.
11:46Oh, my God, that wine makes me need a drink.
11:50All right.
11:52Guys, these are all the property docs that I could find.
11:54Everyone pick a page and read.
11:56Except for Eileen, who can't read.
11:59I can read a room.
12:02Let me tell you, there's a big secret
12:04the shiny woman's keeping from the Morby-looking fella.
12:07Amazing, what is it?
12:08Who would I know?
12:09Only God above can read names.
12:12They're kids a meth head.
12:12I will not tell you any more than that.
12:16Tell us more.
12:16Dick Larkin Jr. was one of my biggest customers.
12:19I remember him.
12:20No wonder he built that bed so fast.
12:22I don't know if I can mention the attic, son.
12:23I think that's kind of mean.
12:25What was he addicted to?
12:26And please do not say the love of a loyal canine.
12:28This is why you're going to lose with your sad little middle-class feelings, Kate.
12:32I'm not going to lose anything because I used to be a really good lawyer,
12:35and now I'm a really good lawyer.
12:37He's really, really annoyed.
12:39Hey, that's it.
12:40Drink up.
12:41Drink up.
12:42Take your medicine.
12:44That'll put some fair in your belly.
12:46Oh, yes.
12:47Now, new settlements require not just a heroic founder, but also a brilliant magistrate.
12:56Unfortunately for the unruly settlers, I was both.
12:59This crime is punishable by hanging.
13:08The natives killed a sheep and made some truly inspired barbacoa,
13:11and you ungrateful settlers hunted them down
13:13and remorselessly dispatched several members of their tribe.
13:16Order!
13:17Order!
13:18Order!
13:21You have murdered subjects of the king.
13:24A good hanging is the only way you'll learn.
13:26Sir, are you sure you want to take the side of those filthy savages over your own kind?
13:34You mean noble natives,
13:36and you'll find that this execution projects strength, rule of law, that sort of thing.
13:39Ah.
13:41This is not just me.
13:42This is not just me.
13:44Good point, sir.
13:47The people may despise you, but that's a small price to pay for justice.
13:50Then, again,
13:57Merci is a virtue.
14:00On this one occasion,
14:02I will let you naughty chaps off with a warning,
14:04but it happens again.
14:12What's that?
14:12What's that?
14:17The kiss of death.
14:20Oh, they really wouldn't do it.
14:25And thus,
14:27the harmony of our fledgling settlement was maintained.
14:30Are you following, June?
14:31Two best friends.
14:33Ah.
14:33Two Barney friends.
14:35Yes.
14:36Two best Barney friends.
14:38Oh, you are listening.
14:39What else?
14:40Pesceph.
14:41Yes.
14:42Pesceph.
14:43That delicious spice that they must have used on the barbecuer.
14:47The fence is definitely in the wrong place.
14:50Ask anyone in town.
14:52Speaking as a lawyer,
14:53that's a little anecdotal for me.
14:54I might go into local council tomorrow
14:56and take a look at the original surveys.
14:57Yeah.
14:58Just drop the word lawyer in the convo.
14:59Nice one, Kate.
15:00Speaking as a councillor,
15:02we have some serious doubts about two outsiders
15:05opening a hotel in our little village,
15:07just not in keeping with the local character.
15:09And an immediate riposte.
15:11Sorry, you've got a problem with the hotel now.
15:15Oh, sorry.
15:16It's a little...
15:17Power up.
15:18Whatever doubts you may have, Joy,
15:20I doubt you want to go to court.
15:21Court?
15:22Who said anything about court?
15:23Yeah, who did say anything?
15:24Well, at the very least,
15:25your son built a dodgy fence
15:26and you neglected it for years,
15:28so you'd be paying for the fence
15:29and our legal fees.
15:30Legal fees.
15:31Okay.
15:32You're being very aggressive right now.
15:35Richard, come.
15:36Oh, back to the doghouse.
15:37I wish...
15:40What?
15:41I have a secret, but I'm keeping it.
15:42I'm keeping it really secret, so what...
15:43We tried to be nice,
15:46but if I have anything to do with it,
15:47your little hotel will never see a guest.
15:51Richard!
15:52Honestly, they're just starting to give rich people a bad name.
15:59Oh, God, I regret it.
16:00I regret it.
16:00I regret that.
16:01I regret that.
16:06What's the name?
16:06This looks serious.
16:08Yeah.
16:09Yep.
16:09Well, I need to prove the original boundary lines.
16:12Surveys, maps, anything.
16:14Yes, yes, yes.
16:15To prove that I founded the town.
16:17Oi, clearly you didn't found the town.
16:19That's right.
16:19I'll snuggle to the rock and dick.
16:20Oh, burn lies.
16:22Yes, that's right.
16:23Exactly.
16:24Oh, I've got up the zone.
16:25Guys, guys.
16:26I have a raging sulfite headache,
16:27so if you're not going to be helpful,
16:28can you just drift off?
16:29Drift off to the ice?
16:31Yeah, you should drift off.
16:32They're wrong, Catherine.
16:33I swear to you.
16:34Nothing else.
16:36I did my duty.
16:50The natives are burning the farm houses down.
16:53You have to arm the men.
16:54My dear panic, I worry, Ward.
16:56I don't know what they've got in a lather about.
16:58I gave these naughty settlers a stern warning.
17:01The natives don't understand.
17:02You have to go out and speak to them, sir.
17:05Now?
17:05Well, they seem rather heated.
17:08You're the only one that can fix this, sir.
17:10They offered you mutton once.
17:12They'll do it again.
17:13They respect you, sir.
17:15Just as much as I do.
17:18Yes, yes, yes.
17:20I suppose you're right.
17:22You're a hero.
17:24You are.
17:25Thank you, Tron.
17:26You'll go down in history, sir.
17:28Excuse me, chaps.
17:34What say we sort this out, eh?
17:36You there.
17:37Let go.
17:37Let go.
17:43That didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped.
17:47You're all right, sir.
17:49We'll get that thing out of you in a jiffy.
17:51You just have a little lie down there.
17:53Oh, thank you, Tron.
17:55You always were my most faithful friend.
17:57Indeed.
17:58What's that smell?
18:03All right, lads.
18:05Now, now, let's not escalate things any further.
18:08I said stand down, you rapscallions.
18:09Get out of there.
18:11No mercy, lads.
18:12Ain't you clean up this mess?
18:18Tron!
18:31Wow.
18:31So he set you up and started a war.
18:35What?
18:35No, that's not what happened.
18:37No, he was my closest ally.
18:39Oh, no, he ate in you, gov.
18:40Behind your back, he called you all sorts of things.
18:42No, nothing, blowhard.
18:44A koala shagga.
18:45Yeah, and after that, he'd start insulting you.
18:47So many, are you?
18:48Wait, so you're all working for Gerard?
18:50Oh, no, ma'am, we want to know part of the bloke.
18:52No, not us, definitely not.
18:53Oh, we're sorry, Kate.
18:54Please forgive us, please forgive us.
18:55We didn't mean anything about it.
18:56Sorry.
18:57Mob were fighting for their lives.
18:59I am not dealing with white ghost guilt right now.
19:01Yeah, Kate, that's what I've been saying.
19:04I'm so sorry.
19:05I'm sorry about it, weren't we?
19:06God.
19:07Oi.
19:08You better retract that thing before I retract it for you.
19:10Oh, relax.
19:11I'm not on your property.
19:13And you never will be, because you are a pair of land grabbing gubbas.
19:17Guppers?
19:18That's what the Johnsons call us.
19:19Oh, Richard, don't listen to her.
19:20She's unhinged.
19:22Where's your evidence?
19:23The evidence is buried under that tree.
19:24She's a murderer, too.
19:25What?
19:26So who are you talking to?
19:29There is a body buried under that tree.
19:31What are you talking about?
19:32What am I talking about?
19:33Well, I am going to tell you what I'm talking about.
19:36She killed the dog.
19:36The family died with the dog.
19:37The dog?
19:37She killed the dog.
19:38Fifteen years ago, you ran over your pet Kelpie on purpose.
19:43Or maybe it was accidentally.
19:45And then in the middle of the night, you buried him under that tree,
19:47which is not as bad as that.
19:48But you know what?
19:48It's still pretty bad.
19:49Ed, you ran over Grover with the family Land Rover.
19:53Darling, it was an accident.
19:54I knew it.
19:55You never liked him.
19:56Okay, look, and I was allergic to dogs.
19:59But did you care?
20:00No.
20:01Fifteen years without a dog.
20:02I loved that dog.
20:04What a load of...
20:05I remember Grover.
20:06It was a good little boy he was.
20:08Eddie, I'm very sorry for all the upset today.
20:11The fence can stay where it is.
20:13Oh, Richard, no!
20:24There's your mower.
20:26Oh.
20:27Go fed.
20:27I must say, Catherine, you were quite brave facing down those Larkins, defending your land.
20:50Oh, so it's my land now, is it?
20:53Well, let's be clear.
20:54I was here first.
20:55Oh, you weren't, though, were you?
20:57And I am not from here either.
20:59And I'm taking time to pay my respects to the people who were so, if you'd like to.
21:32If we're going to keep living together, you're going to have to learn to stop talking and
21:35think.
21:37No, no.
21:38No, no, no.
21:41Gideon.
21:47Sorry.
21:48Sorry.
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