- 23 hours ago
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TVTranscript
00:00:02Oh
00:00:06You're not supposed to inhale your arms. I can inhale my arms if I want to inhale me arms
00:00:11Can put them in one end and push them out whichever end I want
00:00:14In fact darling, did you know that yogis can breathe through any orifice?
00:00:18They can be buried for 40 years with oh, I knew I wouldn't get that line
00:00:25Darling, darling, did you know that yogis can breathe through any orifice?
00:00:28They can be buried for 40 years just breathing through a straw ticking out of the pundal there
00:00:34This is a new kitchen. There's a place for vegetables and a place for meat only bleed on the meat
00:00:39counter
00:00:41Oh damn my line, I've got it wrong
00:00:44We're just waiting for Miss Saunders
00:00:47Something we do quite a lot. Yeah
00:00:50She can be difficult
00:00:52She's sweet and she's fun and we're terribly grateful and we love her dearly
00:00:56But at this time of the evening, it gets a little bit tiring and she has to have a little
00:00:59bit of help
00:01:13Little
00:01:14Rice runs a supporting artist's agency
00:01:17Oh what a day we've had
00:01:20I got them a job out of Pinewood background extras are no less of my card
00:01:26No
00:01:30I got them a job out of Pinewood background artists are no less my cup
00:01:43I got them a job out of Pinewood background artists are no less my card
00:01:54What did you do?
00:01:56She tried to crowd surf and the tide went out
00:01:59Sea just parted sweetheart
00:02:01I don't know how that happened
00:02:02They've probably never seen anything that old flying at them before
00:02:06Oh look at that face
00:02:07Oh look at that face
00:02:09Look at that little face
00:02:10You haven't even got a clue what we're talking about darling, have you?
00:02:18I've got to stop it
00:02:30Where's the fall off?
00:02:33Where are we going from?
00:02:35We're going from
00:02:36What did you do?
00:02:38She tried to crowd surf and the tide went out
00:02:44Oh from here
00:02:45Okay here we go
00:03:00Actually um
00:03:02Pats and I had a little idea how you could save up some extra money and uh you know leave
00:03:05home
00:03:06Oh
00:03:07I wonder if you still
00:03:08You still put it together
00:03:12And it's like you're special at home
00:03:15Yes
00:03:16That's what I meant to say
00:03:18Turn the top back down
00:03:20Turn the top back down
00:03:21Turn the top back down
00:03:22Or else it stands
00:03:23I'm actually going out darling
00:03:24I'm going to put the word
00:03:25I'm going to put it together
00:03:46Turn the top back down
00:03:47What?
00:03:48Do you ask me if I hear you?
00:03:49Oh yeah
00:03:55Do you just want to go with the flow honey?
00:04:00I'm going to widen the shot to
00:04:02Just stop
00:04:03Just stop
00:04:04I'm just saying
00:04:05If you've got them
00:04:07You know
00:04:07Floor them
00:04:18And just as you
00:04:20Just be careful not to mask
00:04:22Jo at the very beginning
00:04:23I try not to mask
00:04:24I couldn't help being masked
00:04:25I'm so slim
00:04:33Whoa
00:04:34Try doing that honey
00:04:38Tits and lips
00:04:39Tits and lips
00:04:41And never close your teeth
00:04:42That's the tip girl
00:04:43That's the tip girl
00:04:44That's the tip girl
00:04:54It's that easy access mouth
00:04:55Why are you hatching this horrible plan?
00:05:00You hate the country
00:05:00You don't hate the country
00:05:02Well not the kind of country he's got it
00:05:03Hey darling we were in the country last week
00:05:05Were we?
00:05:06Yeah we were in Ireland
00:05:07On that celebrity shoot
00:05:08Do you know what I'm about?
00:05:09Patsy shot a core
00:05:12On that sofa
00:05:15Could you laugh a little quickly
00:05:18Fran can you put the stones down?
00:05:20Well why are you washing them dear?
00:05:22I'm not
00:05:22What's the matter with you?
00:05:24She's having hormonal cold turkey darling
00:05:26That's what's the matter with her
00:05:29Right we're off sweetheart
00:05:30No we're not off
00:05:31We're not off
00:05:32Oh no we're not off yet
00:05:33Oh gosh
00:05:35That was the time before
00:05:38I'm sorry we're not off yet
00:05:40We changed it
00:05:42We used to be off
00:05:44We did used to go
00:05:46Champagne fountains
00:05:47We don't
00:05:56This is my book
00:05:59Don't worry
00:06:00I can work upside down
00:06:01Plenty of practice with Rupita
00:06:12Detox
00:06:12Yes I want a detox
00:06:14Just another fad
00:06:15I agree
00:06:16You're not fat
00:06:17Oh sorry
00:06:19Sorry
00:06:19I got it
00:06:20This is a lovely lovely fun
00:06:22Jumpy lovely lovely day
00:06:23Lots of energy fun
00:06:25This is horrible
00:06:26Painful
00:06:27Fanless
00:06:28Grind
00:06:29Welcome to my world
00:06:31Do you know what I'm going to do
00:06:37Darling
00:06:48The whole cast of EastEnders now in a suicide pact
00:06:51We're going to be all dying while they all sing my old man's a dustbin aren't they
00:06:55It's a pathetic corporate donation
00:06:59You're going to turn it off
00:07:01I'm so sorry
00:07:02I'm so sorry
00:07:03You don't have to do it again
00:07:06Don't make me say it
00:07:07I could have done it
00:07:08I could have done it
00:07:09Don't make me say it
00:07:10I could have helped my friend and done it
00:07:11I did it mentally
00:07:14Should we pick it up our children can't be that desperate
00:07:16Oh no I've got to say it again
00:07:17No
00:07:18No you haven't
00:07:18I'll watch you
00:07:19I have got to
00:07:19I'll watch you
00:07:20No don't watch me
00:07:21Oh I won't watch you
00:07:22That would be weird
00:07:24It's not such a number I recognise darling
00:07:26I don't know what this is
00:07:43Children can't be that desperate can
00:07:45Darling nobody's that needy believe me
00:07:46It's just a mass celebrity humiliation
00:07:49I mean like lemmings they all run towards the great telethon precipice and lease
00:07:55Were you looking at me then
00:07:57I just looked at me
00:07:58I won't
00:08:01Why
00:08:02You little piece of
00:08:10Mum stop it
00:08:12Stop it
00:08:13It's not me darling
00:08:14It's not me sweetheart
00:08:15Darling
00:08:21Stuck in my jacket
00:08:22You may have all the meat
00:08:25All the celebrity cattle
00:08:27But frankly I was
00:08:27I was glad to offload them
00:08:28Eh
00:08:29Oh yeah this is the future
00:08:30I mean we've got
00:08:32We're in pre pre pre
00:08:34Fuck it
00:08:35Production
00:08:38It's not a tv company
00:08:40It's a
00:08:41It's a multinational media cable and satellite network with
00:08:44With Murdoch air spray
00:08:45Spray spray spray spray spray spray spray spray spray spray spray spray spray spray spray spray spray
00:08:48Oh, God, I said it so well the first time.
00:08:51Is it a TV company?
00:08:52No, it's not a TV company.
00:08:55It's a multinational media cable and satellite...
00:08:58Oh, darling.
00:09:02I just want to be in Madonna's little inner circle, sweetheart, you know?
00:09:06I want to huddle around her cool flame with all those other...
00:09:09Over...
00:09:10Oh, damn!
00:09:13Oh, God, you're doing so well.
00:09:16It's almost 30 seconds into the scene.
00:09:24That's not me, that's the sponge.
00:09:26That's the sponge.
00:09:28Stop it!
00:09:31OK.
00:09:32That must be.
00:09:34I just leave myself there.
00:09:42I was acting so hard.
00:09:44Oh, God, I've burst four safety pins.
00:09:47I could have killed myself.
00:09:51Suicide thighs.
00:09:53Why are you doing this?
00:09:55Don't you like me as I am?
00:09:56With hormones, I hate you more.
00:09:59Had a good day at the office, darling.
00:10:00Yes, darling.
00:10:00Fantastic.
00:10:01Mum, do something!
00:10:02Eddie, go and wash your hands.
00:10:04We're having dinner upstairs, TV trays.
00:10:06Fuck!
00:10:07Oh, fuck!
00:10:08Actually, I'm so sorry.
00:10:11I mean, can we pick...
00:10:12I'm so sorry.
00:10:14TV trays.
00:10:15You've ruined the illusion now!
00:10:16I'm so sorry.
00:10:18What?
00:10:19I can't believe you said that.
00:10:22Pick it up from Jensen, trust me.
00:10:23Don't.
00:10:26You haven't got any ovaries, darling?
00:10:28Yes, they were just hidden.
00:10:29They found two lodged up behind my ribs
00:10:31where that silly Arab doctor left them.
00:10:33Yes, I'm having a baby.
00:10:35But what about the sperm?
00:10:37Darling, my bid was successful at the auction
00:10:39and now I've got a little file of Mick Jagger's.
00:10:41Good old Mick.
00:10:42I thought tonight we could put the...
00:10:47Saf!
00:10:50Saf!
00:10:51Safie!
00:10:53Safie!
00:10:55It's all gone.
00:10:56It's all gone.
00:10:58It's all gone.
00:10:59It's all gone.
00:11:01It's all gone.
00:11:16We're on location here in North London.
00:11:18What are we here for?
00:11:19What are we shooting tonight?
00:11:20This is the Pleasance Theatre
00:11:22and we're shooting all the sort of pre-filming
00:11:26before we do the studio.
00:11:27So this is one where Safie's written a play.
00:11:32About her young life.
00:11:33About her young life.
00:11:35Oh, wow.
00:11:36I don't say too much.
00:11:37No.
00:11:37Because it might give a really...
00:11:38We're not very keen on this play, I think, are we?
00:11:40No, we're not very keen on this play.
00:11:42This is a story of a self-raising flower.
00:11:45Oh, shut up!
00:11:47I am in that play.
00:11:49I need to get it out of my chest
00:11:51where it has sat there for all these years.
00:11:53I need to shout it openly.
00:11:55Piss off!
00:11:57Obviously, this show's moved on five years
00:11:59from the end of last series.
00:12:01I'll make you think that.
00:12:02Oh.
00:12:03Can you see what I'm wearing?
00:12:05I think it's moved on.
00:12:07So the characters...
00:12:08Can't fit in the jeans.
00:12:09The characters haven't moved on.
00:12:11Well, they have to a bit, I think, don't they?
00:12:12They have a bit.
00:12:13Some of the younger ones have grown older,
00:12:14but some of the older ones haven't.
00:12:16They're slightly younger.
00:12:17Max is now 42.
00:12:21Yes, I'm...
00:12:21And I am 42, and I'm not going to get any older.
00:12:24No.
00:12:25I was saying, because if we actually aged in real time,
00:12:28we'd be just way too old now.
00:12:29It'd just be unrealistic.
00:12:31And so we've sort of stayed the same age.
00:12:33Safie's got a bit older.
00:12:34And that relationship's sort of changed a bit
00:12:36because we sort of exist together
00:12:37rather than...
00:12:38I'm not really keeping her, you know.
00:12:40So you're still living in the same house?
00:12:42She's living in my house still.
00:12:43She's sponging off me.
00:12:44You have lost a lot of weight.
00:12:46Not that that's important.
00:12:47We've lost a lot of weight.
00:12:48Have I not enough?
00:12:49I want to eat.
00:12:50I want to eat.
00:12:51I knew this would never work.
00:12:52It is working.
00:12:53Stop being a victim and take control.
00:12:55I am a fat person at the end of it.
00:12:57Me.
00:12:59The woman who got stuck on an eating loop
00:13:01in Yo's Sushi.
00:13:04I mean, honestly, sweetheart,
00:13:05if they keep it coming round,
00:13:07of course I'm going round you.
00:13:12I'll get you something.
00:13:13What?
00:13:14Something?
00:13:14God, this is such hard work.
00:13:16And it's Jerry bloody helly well do it.
00:13:18I don't actually do that.
00:13:19Because this is a lovely, lovely, fun,
00:13:21jumpy, lovely, lovely day.
00:13:23Lots of energy fun.
00:13:24This is horrible, painful,
00:13:27fun-less grind.
00:13:29Welcome to my world.
00:13:31With world.
00:13:34Where are the characters going in this series?
00:13:37Can you tell us?
00:13:38Down to hell fast.
00:13:40Well, I think this is a struggle to keep up,
00:13:41you know.
00:13:42You've been doing it for so many years.
00:13:43I've been promoted.
00:13:44She's got a better job.
00:13:45I'm the editor of the magazine now.
00:13:47So she has to do even less?
00:13:48Even less work.
00:13:50Than before.
00:13:51So that's a kind of step up, isn't it?
00:13:52Yeah, and I've gone into TV.
00:13:53So that's a kind of step.
00:13:55Oh, we've got a great new character.
00:13:55We've got a great,
00:13:56Jane Hawkes has got a great new character.
00:13:58She's doing Bubble,
00:13:59but she's also doing Bubble's cousin,
00:14:00who's an old TV presenter.
00:14:01She's very bitter about being
00:14:03out of the spotlight
00:14:04because she stopped to have a couple of kids
00:14:06and has not been able to re-enter the spotlight.
00:14:09Oh, great.
00:14:09Excellent.
00:14:10She runs the TV side of my company.
00:14:13Hi, I'm Katie Grimm,
00:14:16and these are carpets.
00:14:17Come down now to Carpet Madness.
00:14:19It's carpets, it's madness.
00:14:21Carpet Madness.
00:14:22Carpet Madness now.
00:14:24It's carpets.
00:14:25It's madness.
00:14:26Madness now.
00:14:28Sales starts Friday.
00:14:32Darling, did you know that Katie Grimm
00:14:33is Bubble's cousin?
00:14:34Who?
00:14:35Katie Grimm, darling,
00:14:36I've told you,
00:14:36I'm a new TV partner.
00:14:37You're going to Paris next week.
00:14:39You are?
00:14:39Yes, I do the filming in Paris.
00:14:41Excellent.
00:14:42So what is the storyline in Paris?
00:14:44Patsy's got,
00:14:45you know,
00:14:45there's this whole kind of idea now
00:14:46of Generation Flex,
00:14:48where young models
00:14:49kind of worship old models
00:14:50and young and old
00:14:51and everyone loves everybody else
00:14:52and Goldie Hawn,
00:14:54her daughter,
00:14:54and all this kind of stuff.
00:14:56Jerry and Lizzie.
00:14:58And so Patsy gets a job
00:15:00doing models,
00:15:01models with old models,
00:15:02young models,
00:15:03and I go with Safi.
00:15:04It's the only person I could drum up.
00:15:05I ask lots of people,
00:15:06but only Safi.
00:15:07Only type of Safi.
00:15:08To come with me
00:15:09is like the other side
00:15:10of my generation.
00:15:11There is no generation gap.
00:15:13But as it turns out,
00:15:14there is.
00:15:15Here we are, darling.
00:15:15This is a good place.
00:15:16Isn't it?
00:15:16This is a good place.
00:15:17This is a good place,
00:15:20sweetheart.
00:15:20Here.
00:15:20Not many people are on.
00:15:21Ready?
00:15:22I don't know.
00:15:22Come on.
00:15:23Release your song,
00:15:24sweetheart.
00:15:25Are you ready?
00:15:26Okay, here we go.
00:15:27Undo your buttons.
00:15:27Undo your buttons.
00:15:28Got the buttons?
00:15:29Yes, I'm going to lift mine,
00:15:30sweetheart.
00:15:31Bit of a flasher.
00:15:32Ready?
00:15:32Ready?
00:15:33Hello, darling.
00:15:34See you.
00:15:34And go.
00:15:46Your mum,
00:15:47how did you go?
00:15:48Is your house a relationship?
00:15:49Oh, is she not?
00:15:49How is your house a relationship
00:15:50with your mum?
00:15:51Is she still alive?
00:15:52Yes, yes.
00:15:53Are you still giving her
00:15:54such a hard time?
00:15:54Very hard time.
00:15:55Worse time than ever.
00:15:56She's now completely bonkers.
00:15:58She just sits in other
00:15:59people's houses for two days
00:16:00until they bring her back.
00:16:02But they've made the mistake
00:16:03of feeding her.
00:16:04Of course she's going to stay.
00:16:07She's older and more annoying
00:16:10than ever.
00:16:10Is this your mother?
00:16:12Let me after this.
00:16:13No, I know her.
00:16:14I said, is this your mother?
00:16:16Well, let me see.
00:16:18One white paw,
00:16:19yes, that looks like her.
00:16:20She's been sitting in our kitchen
00:16:21for two days.
00:16:22Let me do this.
00:16:23You should look after her better.
00:16:25I could report you.
00:16:26You know, she always finds
00:16:27her own way back.
00:16:31Come on, Lee.
00:16:32You'll be all right now, love.
00:16:33Lee, we can't keep her.
00:16:36We shouldn't feed her.
00:16:39I can't believe she lives this close.
00:16:41We'll have to move.
00:16:42I found them, dear.
00:16:44Who?
00:16:45A Madonna and Gaethje.
00:16:48Madonna?
00:16:49Get in that house!
00:16:50Get back in that house!
00:16:51Get in that house!
00:16:51Get in that house!
00:16:54Thank you so much
00:16:55for taking time out
00:16:56to talk today
00:16:57and good luck
00:16:58with the new show
00:17:00and can't wait to see it.
00:17:07So, absolutely fabulous.
00:17:08You're back in your old role again.
00:17:10Are we seeing a change?
00:17:11Are we going to see a change
00:17:12in the character?
00:17:14Do you know,
00:17:15I won't know that
00:17:15until I've read all the scripts.
00:17:18No, I think Mother's
00:17:19roughly the same.
00:17:21She may be getting
00:17:22a bit more eccentric,
00:17:24even more eccentric,
00:17:25you know,
00:17:26sort of found
00:17:27in somebody else's house.
00:17:29Getting, yeah.
00:17:30That's all right.
00:17:31But I just have to wait
00:17:33and see until I get the script
00:17:34and I think,
00:17:34oh, I see,
00:17:35that's what she's doing this week.
00:17:37Oh, what's this?
00:17:38Oh, be careful, Gran.
00:17:39Be careful.
00:17:40This is a new kitchen.
00:17:41There is a vegetable place
00:17:42and a meat place.
00:17:43Only bleed on the meat place.
00:17:44I don't want my new paintwork
00:17:46splattered with the old liver spots
00:17:47like 101 Dalmatians.
00:17:49You used to have one of these
00:17:50when you were a girl.
00:17:52Yeah, but I was never allowed on it.
00:17:53No, you're too big for it.
00:17:54You wobbled.
00:17:57The scooter wobbled.
00:17:58If you say so.
00:18:00I have perfect balance, sweetheart.
00:18:02Look,
00:18:02wheels don't buckle on their own.
00:18:04And obviously,
00:18:05you know,
00:18:05tonight we're here
00:18:06to the play at the theatre
00:18:07because it's Safi's opening night.
00:18:09It's Safi's opening night.
00:18:10Are you excited?
00:18:11Oh, I'm very excited.
00:18:12I'm very loyal
00:18:13to Safi
00:18:14and I'm sure
00:18:15whatever she does
00:18:16will be lovely.
00:18:17And I think secretly
00:18:18I'd like to be in it myself.
00:18:19What's that about?
00:18:21Can we ask you that?
00:18:22You can certainly ask me
00:18:24but I haven't the fittest idea.
00:18:28Oh, well,
00:18:29we'll come in the back
00:18:30and watch.
00:18:31In fact,
00:18:31I don't even know
00:18:31if anybody ever finds out.
00:18:33Oh, really?
00:18:33I'm not sure.
00:18:35No.
00:18:35It's all a big surprise.
00:18:37And do you know,
00:18:37what's the name of it?
00:18:38What's the name of the hover show?
00:18:39Oh, golly,
00:18:40wait a minute.
00:18:40It's a terribly good name.
00:18:45Self-Raising Flower
00:18:46F-L-O-W-E-R
00:18:48That's a good title, isn't it?
00:18:50It certainly is.
00:18:51Self-Raising Flower,
00:18:53I think.
00:18:54And it's about
00:18:55Safi's life?
00:18:56Oh, yes.
00:18:56Life at home, yes.
00:18:58Oh.
00:18:58And that's why
00:18:59Eddie isn't very keen.
00:19:01She doesn't want to go
00:19:02anywhere near it.
00:19:04And so,
00:19:06but you'll have to wait
00:19:07and see.
00:19:13Mum, I think
00:19:14you should come.
00:19:16Here's a ticket.
00:19:25God, why have so many people
00:19:26got to go in, Tom?
00:19:27I haven't seen a face
00:19:28go in yet.
00:19:29Yeah, well, that means nothing.
00:19:29People who matter
00:19:30don't have to have a face.
00:19:32Is she here?
00:19:33No, no, not yet.
00:19:34Oh, you look great,
00:19:35Safi.
00:19:36You don't look so good.
00:19:38She won't come.
00:19:39Anyway, I don't care
00:19:40either way.
00:19:41Oh, I thought I was late.
00:19:43Are you okay?
00:19:43Yes, I'm fine.
00:19:44I wish everyone
00:19:45would stop saying that.
00:19:46You look great.
00:19:47I swear to God, thank you.
00:19:52Right, come on.
00:19:53Let's go.
00:19:53Quick.
00:19:53This is it, is it?
00:19:54Good luck.
00:19:55Good luck.
00:19:55I think Jennifer's writing
00:19:56is so funny.
00:19:58I mean, it's,
00:19:59and it's great insight, too.
00:20:01I think she's brilliant.
00:20:03Yeah, excellent.
00:20:04And, well, that,
00:20:05I think that,
00:20:06I think we've been told
00:20:07that you need to go.
00:20:08I think you were told to go.
00:20:08Thank you very much.
00:20:09Shut up, yes.
00:20:09Yes, thank you very much.
00:20:10I really appreciate that.
00:20:12And good luck.
00:20:13Good luck.
00:20:14Thank you very much.
00:20:22You are the man behind
00:20:23Absolutely Fabulous.
00:20:24How do you feel about being,
00:20:25that kind of love,
00:20:26great title?
00:20:27Well, I think it's sad,
00:20:29really, in the end, isn't it?
00:20:30I mean, what it says is,
00:20:31what you're saying, really,
00:20:32is here's a man
00:20:33whose life is run ragged
00:20:35by five women
00:20:39who have also paid
00:20:42for this jacket.
00:20:44You've enjoyed it, though.
00:20:45Makes you realise
00:20:45that I wasn't on residuals,
00:20:46didn't I?
00:20:47You've enjoyed it, though.
00:20:48It's a good one.
00:20:49I have.
00:20:49I've grown old
00:20:50with this series.
00:20:50I remember when we started
00:20:51it, the then,
00:20:53the guy who ran
00:20:55entertainment
00:20:55was a wonderful man
00:20:56called Jim Moyer
00:20:57who now runs Radio 2,
00:20:58the manly station,
00:20:59and the most popular
00:21:01radio station in Britain.
00:21:04And he,
00:21:05the day after
00:21:06the first one went out,
00:21:07I think,
00:21:07he rang me
00:21:09or sent me a message
00:21:09which said,
00:21:10I want to grow old
00:21:11with this series.
00:21:13And we bloody have done.
00:21:15Fabulous.
00:21:16Fabulous.
00:21:17Fabulous.
00:21:17Fabulous.
00:21:18Fabulous.
00:21:18Fabulous.
00:21:18Fabulous.
00:21:19Fabulous.
00:21:21Fabulous.
00:21:24Fabulous.
00:21:26Fabulous.
00:21:26Fabulous.
00:21:27Fabulous.
00:21:27Fabulous.
00:21:27Fabulous.
00:21:27Fabulous.
00:21:28Fabulous.
00:21:28Fabulous.
00:21:30Fabulous.
00:21:30Fabulous.
00:21:31Fabulous.
00:21:32Fabulous.
00:21:32Fabulous.
00:21:32Fabulous.
00:21:33Fabulous.
00:21:33Fabulous.
00:21:34Fabulous.
00:21:35Fabulous.
00:21:36Fabulous.
00:21:37Fabulous.
00:21:37Fabulous.
00:21:38Fabulous.
00:21:38Fabulous.
00:21:39Fabulous.
00:21:40Fabulous.
00:21:42Fabulous.
00:21:42Fabulous.
00:21:43Fabulous.
00:21:44Fabulous.
00:21:47Fabulous.
00:21:48and we went over there, they flew us over there, bless them.
00:21:52First of all.
00:21:54Absolutely, yeah, one and only time.
00:21:56Anyway, and they gave us a huge party and we suddenly got the sense that they thought
00:22:03that there was a kind of lifestyle that was called fabulous.
00:22:07So they would say, have you done anything fabulous today?
00:22:10And it was a kind of whole new noun.
00:22:12I mean, it was like they actually thought that there was, that this, in a way,
00:22:16Patsy and Adina are a manifesto for life, that this is how you should live your lives.
00:22:20Whereas in fact, at least when we started, maybe not now,
00:22:23they were written out of hate, really.
00:22:27I mean, anger, certainly.
00:22:29I mean, a lot of the best comedy comes out of people being angry.
00:22:32You know, Johnny Spake writing Alf Garner is kind of getting something out of his system
00:22:35and Victor Meldro is certainly getting something out of his system.
00:22:37And Patsy and Adina were really, the time that we started it, which was 19...
00:22:44and then here, in 91, a kind of way of Jennifer letting off steam
00:22:49and saying, look at these terrible people in fashion and PR.
00:22:53And now it's kind of taken over the world.
00:22:54And that was, in a way, another reason for bringing it back,
00:22:56because it seems like the world now is sort of fashion and celebrity mad in a way that,
00:23:03I don't know, in the middle 60s, it was pop mad.
00:23:05It's, you know, the proliferation of magazines that are called Celebrity's Bodies
00:23:10and Now and OK and all those things is incredible.
00:23:15Let's face it, worrying and a note on the decline of Western civilization.
00:23:20Oh, my God!
00:23:22What?
00:23:22Is it?
00:23:23What?
00:23:23Is it? I don't believe it. Katie Grimm?
00:23:26Yeah, she's my TV partner.
00:23:29But I love her.
00:23:30I used to watch her on Blue Peter.
00:23:33Hello.
00:23:34Katie?
00:23:35Claudia Bing.
00:23:36Bing, Bing, Bing and Bing.
00:23:37I've got a Blue Peter badge.
00:23:38Really?
00:23:39Yes.
00:23:39Well done.
00:23:41Go.
00:23:42Go.
00:23:43I'm sorry.
00:23:44I'm selling my half of the company.
00:23:46Oh.
00:23:46I've decided that Katie needs to get her face back on TV where it belongs.
00:23:50Of course she does.
00:23:52I think I could help.
00:23:53Oh, no, I know what you're up to.
00:23:55Sell me your half of the company.
00:23:57I'll get you back on TV.
00:23:58I've got Dale Winton in my pocket.
00:23:59Done!
00:24:00Hurrah!
00:24:01Oh, no!
00:24:03I will not be partners with her.
00:24:05Oh, jeez.
00:24:06Tell you what.
00:24:07To get you back on your feet, why don't I buy the whole thing
00:24:09and throw in a couple of celebs.
00:24:11Kylie or two.
00:24:12I don't know.
00:24:14Oh, I suppose I'll have to look at Kylie and a couple of the Cancers.
00:24:19All right.
00:24:19And for all time's sake, Lulu.
00:24:20Done!
00:24:21My people will talk to you.
00:24:22To you!
00:24:25I want to shave my back.
00:24:27Oh!
00:24:29Yes!
00:24:30We're back in business.
00:24:31We're back in business.
00:24:32Well, thank you very much.
00:24:33I really appreciate that.
00:24:34It's been your pleasure.
00:24:35It has been my pleasure.
00:24:36It has.
00:24:37Hopefully it's been your pleasure too.
00:24:38Very often.
00:24:41Fashion week was a war zone.
00:24:44Life-threatening crowd situation.
00:24:46Just rushing from show to show.
00:24:47Barely able to have a grasp of one's last shred of bucket.
00:24:51I'm so sorry.
00:24:55I'm so sorry.
00:24:57Words I never knew I knew.
00:24:59A landmine with bitch editors and Donatella bloody Versace.
00:25:04Wouldn't want to step on her.
00:25:05No.
00:25:06She'd take your leg off.
00:25:07Yeah.
00:25:07Tam.
00:25:09Sorry.
00:25:12It's just we've never had people laugh at us before like that.
00:25:17We are professionals and we have done this sometimes.
00:25:21It's just been a long time.
00:25:25From the same place, please.
00:25:26Oh, Pat's isn't with the magazine anymore.
00:25:28No, she's a buyer.
00:25:29No, no, no.
00:25:29Eddie.
00:25:30I am the executive creative director, chief buyer and lifestyle coordinator.
00:25:35Yeah, it's a huge responsibility.
00:25:37I'm very important.
00:25:38I decide the direction, the adjacencies, the...
00:25:42What do I decide, darling?
00:25:44What do I decide?
00:25:44The gorgeousness.
00:25:45No, darling.
00:25:45The whoosh.
00:25:46The whoosh.
00:25:46The whoosh.
00:25:47She wrote something clever.
00:25:50There's other things.
00:25:51I have to forgive her.
00:25:51I only gave it to her this morning.
00:25:54And it's very complicated.
00:25:55Say it.
00:25:55Say the thing it was.
00:25:56The adjacencies.
00:25:58The something.
00:25:59The brand mix.
00:26:01Standby, please.
00:26:02And action.
00:26:06Some nibbles.
00:26:07Alright.
00:26:10Are we still rolling?
00:26:12Sorry, I can pick up that.
00:26:12I can be better.
00:26:15It's for my writing course.
00:26:16Oh, your writing course.
00:26:18Are you still on that, darling?
00:26:19I thought they stopped you going after you were arrested for stalking.
00:26:23No.
00:26:25Oh, sorry.
00:26:27I couldn't find my little meal.
00:26:28I'm so sorry.
00:26:30They hid it.
00:26:33It's on a completely different shelf.
00:26:36I'm only an actress.
00:26:37I can't look at two shelves.
00:26:41You may kiss the bride.
00:26:44You pucker.
00:26:45You pucker.
00:26:46You pucker.
00:26:46You pucker.
00:26:47You pucker.
00:26:48Come on now.
00:26:49Somebody pucker.
00:26:53You pucker.
00:27:00You pucker.
00:27:02You pucker.
00:27:04You pucker.
00:27:05You pucker.
00:27:12Oh, they're going to pee.
00:27:15They're going to pee.
00:27:18Forbidden fruit used to taste a little sweeter when Safi was here.
00:27:21Mmm.
00:27:22I mean, I just think sometimes you need a little sort of...
00:27:25carp...
00:27:26Oh.
00:27:26Oh, I knew I'd get it wrong.
00:27:34I was so thinking how well I was doing.
00:27:38I was put off by the smell of a canapé.
00:27:41Nothing is a sin.
00:27:43We are in paradise.
00:27:44We are eating of the forbidden fruit.
00:27:47Yeah, darling.
00:27:47Every day is just like a pick and mix and all you can eat for 50 cents of forbidden fruit,
00:27:54isn't it, darling?
00:27:54Yeah.
00:27:55Sigh.
00:27:57Hmm.
00:28:00Just, darling.
00:28:03Stop it.
00:28:04That was you.
00:28:06That was a friend.
00:28:10Naughty audience.
00:28:13You're not allowed to put off the actors now.
00:28:23They want a 40-in-the-bed perv orgy with your spice mates.
00:28:28You know what I mean, darling?
00:28:30I mean, they want you butchered and...
00:28:33No, they want you mainlining smack jacking.
00:28:35Oh.
00:28:40Oh, no.
00:28:41In front of a guest star.
00:28:45Stay. Sit. Sit. Sit.
00:28:47I'm going to think of something else.
00:28:50Something brilliant.
00:28:51Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.
00:28:58Hang on.
00:29:08All that's left now is dead skin cells of the rich and firmest.
00:29:14Michael Winner stuck between your toenails.
00:29:17Or worse still.
00:29:2430 sweaty, swabbling women squatting on the floor, focusing on their exit holes.
00:29:34All believing that if they can breathe their way through childbirth...
00:29:38I tell them.
00:29:39You know what I tell them?
00:29:40I say, just you wait a wee minute and I've forgotten what I'm going to say.
00:29:48Do you know, my baby was that big.
00:29:54It treated my inside like a smorgasbork.
00:30:05It's free.
00:30:06It's free.
00:30:08Well, I'll tell them.
00:30:09Do you know what I say?
00:30:10I say, oh, for fuck's sake.
00:30:24I'm presuming it's a he.
00:30:28Some little gingami...
00:30:31Some little gingami...
00:30:34Action.
00:30:44What do you mean?
00:30:47What's that?
00:30:52I'm going to do it again like that.
00:30:57Oh, I'm just going to read the magazine.
00:30:59Can I come in with my line for...
00:31:04Nicole is weeping with regret.
00:31:06Oh, but...
00:31:07Stop it!
00:31:10Names, names, names, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:31:13Sorry name, sorry name, sorry name.
00:31:14Blah, blah, blah.
00:31:15Come on.
00:31:15And Princess Anne.
00:31:18That was me, sorry, it was a long story.
00:31:20It can't just be us.
00:31:22We can't have this going on.
00:31:24Barbie radio switched itself on.
00:31:32Mum, I'm 40 weeks.
00:31:35I'm due any time.
00:31:36I told you, nobody goes 40 weeks.
00:31:38I never went 40 weeks.
00:31:41Pay a little bit extra, darling, they'll whip it out early, you know.
00:31:45No.
00:31:48Naughty bucket.
00:31:49Put me off.
00:31:50Bucket, put me off.
00:31:52How do I look, Eddie?
00:31:54You're fabulous, darling.
00:31:56Come on, have a little drink.
00:31:58Take the nerves off the evening, darling.
00:31:59Come on.
00:32:01We're going to have a drink, darling, but I can't sit down.
00:32:02No, you can't sit down.
00:32:05You've done so well.
00:32:07Oh, darling.
00:32:07What's that naughty champagne bottle again?
00:32:09How do I look, Eddie?
00:32:11You look fabulous, darling.
00:32:12Oh.
00:32:14Actually, sweetie, why don't you have a little drink and sit down and take the...
00:32:17Sit down and take the...
00:32:24Why don't you sit down and have a drink and take the nerves off you?
00:32:30How do I look, Eddie?
00:32:32Oh, you look fabulous, darling.
00:32:34Fabulous.
00:32:34Yeah, why don't you sit down and have a little drink and take the nerves off you?
00:32:38No, darling, I can't sit down.
00:32:39This is a one-off hooky-mooky.
00:32:42Yeah, it's made from virgin silkworm.
00:32:50One centimetre is one finger.
00:32:57Oh, darling, I...
00:32:59How many fingers have you got to be done?
00:33:02Ten.
00:33:10Sorry, I'm sorry.
00:33:11I'm sorry.
00:33:12I'm so sorry.
00:33:14That's never seemed funny before.
00:33:15I don't know why.
00:33:19But I...
00:33:20I haven't got ten fingers.
00:33:21I'll find a mirror.
00:33:22I'll find a mirror.
00:33:24Oh, John.
00:33:25So far.
00:33:26Stay, please.
00:33:36Would you like a drink?
00:33:39Yes, I will.
00:33:39Well, pour it yourself.
00:33:40Yes, I will.
00:33:41Thank you very much.
00:33:41Well done.
00:33:42Cheers, sweetie.
00:33:45Cheers, darling.
00:33:46Cheers, darling.
00:33:48So...
00:33:51Is it me?
00:33:58Oh, I know what it is.
00:34:00I was...
00:34:01I had a mouthful.
00:34:01Take it for me.
00:34:04Take it for me.
00:34:04I will take it for you.
00:34:05I will take it for me.
00:34:07I will take it for you.
00:34:08You might be in the background, so keep acting.
00:34:09I am in the background.
00:34:10Well, keep acting.
00:34:11Don't stop acting.
00:34:14Stop acting.
00:34:50You're a grown woman
00:34:51stopping since it's childish.
00:34:54What's the thought
00:34:55I'm worried about, darling?
00:34:57No, seriously, darling.
00:34:59Please, because if the thought is yardly...
00:35:00Stop it!
00:35:05No, it's me. I know what it is as well.
00:35:13I just remembered.
00:35:14I was thinking about
00:35:15you thought that she was a man.
00:35:21That may well explain it.
00:35:25Darling.
00:35:48You thought that she was a man.
00:35:50That may well explain it.
00:35:56That may well explain it.
00:35:59That may well explain it.
00:36:05That may well explain it.
00:36:26I think that's bummed you in the suit, though.
00:36:36A less experienced actress could have killed herself on that toilet.
00:36:40An Anoushka Hempel's been calling,
00:36:42will I go down to her yacht in Saint-Tropez?
00:36:45Will I bugger?
00:36:48Saint-Tropez? What?
00:36:49I know. Out common.
00:36:52Can I get it?
00:36:53Sorry.
00:36:59An Anoushka Hempel wants me to go down to her yacht in Saint-Tropez.
00:37:04I said...
00:37:05What did I say?
00:37:10What did I say?
00:37:11I bugger.
00:37:13I said...
00:37:21What, a little collagen?
00:37:22A little, yeah, a little plumping.
00:37:23A lot of collagen.
00:37:25Bollocks.
00:37:34Anyway, darling, you know, this could be big for you, couldn't it, darling?
00:37:36Yeah, darling, yeah, it really could.
00:37:38Yeah, this could be big, darling.
00:37:39I must go and pull some fantastic clothes.
00:37:41Is that the sort of thing I'm going to do?
00:37:42Yeah.
00:37:42Pull some fantastic fucking clothes.
00:37:46Why can't I turn the page in my brain?
00:37:49I can't get that line at the top of the page, you know.
00:37:51What, plumping?
00:37:52A little plumping.
00:37:52A little collagen.
00:37:53Yeah, yeah.
00:37:54It'd take more than collagen to fill your face.
00:37:55Oh, shut up.
00:37:56You don't see whales will have to die to fill those crevices.
00:37:59It's a little plumping.
00:38:00To pull out the whaling fleet,
00:38:01they may not be able to cope with the demand.
00:38:03Darling.
00:38:03It's only a little fillet.
00:38:04It's a little piece of...
00:38:06Fuck.
00:38:06No.
00:38:12Oh, we've got it.
00:38:13We have a jinx on this.
00:38:15It's fine, it's lovely.
00:38:16One pick-up.
00:38:17It's jinxed.
00:38:18Oh, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, I can't stop peeing.
00:38:19No, come on, you have to stop peeing now.
00:38:21I can't stop, I can't stop, Eddie.
00:38:23Stop peeing, stop peeing, sweetheart.
00:38:24Just come.
00:38:24It's all right, I'll stop now, Eddie.
00:38:25No, come on, just come on, sweetheart.
00:38:27I'm holding the door.
00:38:28Come on, sweetheart.
00:38:29Come on.
00:38:30I can't do it in front of the camera.
00:38:35Sour puke.
00:38:36Yeah.
00:38:38And you want to keep that pelvic floor in shape, yeah?
00:38:40Keep a...
00:38:41Keep a...
00:38:42Keep a finger.
00:38:44That is the line.
00:38:47Sorry, I'm so sorry.
00:38:49Sour puke.
00:38:50Yeah.
00:38:51You want to keep that little pelvic floor in shape, darling.
00:38:54You look after yourself down there.
00:38:55Yeah, trim and tight.
00:38:57Yeah, darling.
00:38:58Men like it neat and trim, don't they?
00:38:59No, they don't.
00:39:00No, they don't.
00:39:01They do not.
00:39:02They don't, they don't like something else.
00:39:07In the same place, please.
00:39:09Sour puke.
00:39:10Yeah.
00:39:11And you want to look after that pelvic floor, darling, keep that in shape.
00:39:13Look after yourself down there.
00:39:15Yeah.
00:39:15And a trim and tight.
00:39:16Yeah.
00:39:17Men like it neat.
00:39:25Men like a woman, darling, not some kind of feeding station like you.
00:39:30They don't want a bra full of damp pads and lactic crust, do they?
00:39:34They want a firm lady boulder.
00:39:36Yeah, not bovine uppers, uppers.
00:39:44Can we pick them up?
00:39:47Sour puke.
00:39:48Yeah, darling.
00:39:49And you want to make sure that that pelvic floor is kept in shape.
00:39:52Oh, yeah, darling.
00:39:53You want to take care of down there.
00:39:54Yeah.
00:39:55Trim and tighten.
00:39:56Yeah, men like it neat and tight.
00:39:57Yeah, not swinging saloon doors.
00:40:23Sour puke.
00:40:25You want to try and keep that pelvic floor in shape, darling?
00:40:27Take care of down there.
00:40:29Yeah, trim and tighten.
00:40:30Yeah, men like it neat and tight.
00:40:32Not swinging saloon doors, Annie.
00:40:37I had my whole floor.
00:40:46Sound effect now.
00:40:49Oh, kiss the mirror.
00:40:50I do not.
00:40:51I've seen you like some bizarre narcissus.
00:40:55Yeah, well, anyway, darling.
00:40:56You know what they say, don't you?
00:40:57You know what they say?
00:40:58He who loves himself will only be...
00:41:02Oh, what is it they say?
00:41:04What is it they say?
00:41:05What is it?
00:41:09Oh, Confucius.
00:41:12He who only ever loves himself.
00:41:15Do you know how I wrote it?
00:41:17Only he who knows and truly loves himself is ever truly fulfilled.
00:41:22Oh.
00:41:30It's a little love pebble, darling, isn't it?
00:41:33You know, you drop it into the pond and the ripples of love spread to...
00:41:36Oh, yeah, oh, Christ.
00:41:38Oh, stop it.
00:41:44Oh, not the same place.
00:41:46Pete, come down.
00:41:47Oh, Eddie, Eddie, do you remember the four dimensions of lusty...
00:41:54I'm so sorry for that expletive.
00:42:00Yeah, just gangs of Japanese wailing flutes.
00:42:03Flutes.
00:42:04Flutes.
00:42:04Yeah, flutes.
00:42:06Flutes.
00:42:07You can't have Japanese wailing flutes.
00:42:11No, you do it, darling.
00:42:12I'm talking to Yoko.
00:42:13Yoko?
00:42:14Oh, no.
00:42:15Oh, yes, Yoko.
00:42:16Darling, you know I'm going to do it.
00:42:18In fact, no, you've come back here now.
00:42:20I'm fed up with this attitude of yours.
00:42:23Just for...
00:42:31Anyway, darling, you could help me a little bit with her, you know.
00:42:34She likes you.
00:42:35She shouldn't like me.
00:42:35You could make her a little bit more malleable.
00:42:37Phew.
00:42:41Is it me?
00:42:42Is it?
00:42:42I'm sorry.
00:42:44It's a little bit in very different circles from...
00:42:46Oh, Christ.
00:42:48It's like the lions at the zoo.
00:42:50All wanting to spray at the faces on the other side of the bars.
00:43:12Oh, Christ.
00:43:14We knew we wouldn't get past that bit.
00:43:19It's because I have to look at your arse.
00:43:23We should release them back into their natural habitat.
00:43:26Born into captivity, aren't they?
00:43:29Oh, I forgot my lion's name.
00:43:32Oh, let's start again.
00:43:33Oh, hello, and we'll start again.
00:43:35What is it?
00:43:36Oh, it's like the lions at the zoo.
00:43:39All wanting to spray at the faces on the other side of the bars.
00:43:58Oh, it's like the lions at the zoo.
00:44:01All wanting to spray at the faces on the other side of the bars.
00:44:11Stop it, stop it.
00:44:27I can go on from there.
00:44:29I can go on from there.
00:44:30You've got it, Jennifer.
00:44:31It's like she doesn't do that.
00:44:35I hope we've got something to offer you.
00:44:38Like exercise.
00:44:39Oh, thank you.
00:44:40Have you got a jacuzzi and a pool?
00:44:42I'm afraid not.
00:44:43Want a massage?
00:44:44No.
00:44:45But I'm sure Clarissa will sit on you if you need...
00:44:50Something.
00:44:51Something.
00:44:53Loosening up.
00:44:54Oh, loosening up.
00:44:55And it's not what you think.
00:44:59Have you got a pool and a jacuzzi?
00:45:01I'm afraid not.
00:45:02But do you do massage?
00:45:04No.
00:45:05But I'm sure Clarissa will sit on you to keep you...
00:45:09Well...
00:45:11Everything has to have time to replenish.
00:45:14What are you talking about?
00:45:15Season.
00:45:16What's season?
00:45:17We haven't seasons any...
00:45:18We...
00:45:20That was the Japanese translation which goes out later in Japan.
00:45:26I shall now do the English version with subtitles.
00:45:28What do you mean season?
00:45:30We haven't got seasons anymore.
00:45:32We've got global warming.
00:45:33Come on.
00:45:35Shit, I'm so sorry.
00:45:37I suddenly...
00:45:37I am actually so sorry.
00:45:39I was suddenly just caught by the brilliance of her acting.
00:45:40I was just...
00:45:41I just...
00:45:42I just was there for her.
00:45:44And I just forgot my line.
00:45:46I forgot to speak.
00:45:47Can we pick it up?
00:45:49That only happens once a series.
00:45:52And you were there.
00:45:53And I'm getting...
00:45:55I'll try not to be quite as good this time.
00:45:57I'll continue.
00:45:58Oh, God.
00:45:59Well, don't market forces count for anything.
00:46:01I mean, I paid £30,000 for this weekend.
00:46:04I see hounds is on holiday.
00:46:06Get more hounds in.
00:46:07Oh, come on.
00:46:08I'm equipped.
00:46:09I paid a fortune.
00:46:14I know.
00:46:15I know.
00:46:16I was shot by my own brilliance at that time.
00:46:20I stunned myself into silence.
00:46:23I thought, I can't top that at the last line.
00:46:25So why try?
00:46:27I know what it is.
00:46:29Yes.
00:46:29Yes.
00:46:30Yes.
00:46:31Yes.
00:46:46This is rather lovely, really.
00:46:47Yeah.
00:46:48So what are we doing here?
00:46:49Well, darling, here at Bema Bunton, little Bema Bunton, we're doing a little Sporty Reliefly
00:46:52Charity thing.
00:46:53Oh, yeah.
00:46:53So I'm just going to settle her into that.
00:46:55Yeah.
00:46:55And then I'll come here for the meeting.
00:46:56For the meeting.
00:46:57Meeting.
00:46:58For the meeting, darling.
00:46:59I told you about the meeting.
00:47:00The meeting with Stella McCartney, darling, and Kate Moss and David Gandy.
00:47:03Oh, yeah.
00:47:04Meeting?
00:47:04Yeah.
00:47:04Meeting, darling.
00:47:05Yeah.
00:47:05For the feature for the magazine.
00:47:07I sent you that idea.
00:47:08All right?
00:47:09You know, like Sport is the New Rock and Roll, Stella's Clothes with Kate and David.
00:47:14In a meeting.
00:47:15In a meeting, yes, darling.
00:47:16Well, they won't come if they think it's me, will they?
00:47:18But I can just appear, you know?
00:47:19I'll just come by and like, hey, hey, I've just been doing this Sporty Reliefly Charity
00:47:23thing, and then Stella will think, oh, she's kind of cool, she's kind of great, and give
00:47:26me lots of free clothes.
00:47:27Yeah, the meeting.
00:47:28What?
00:47:31Bema?
00:47:32You know what?
00:47:32You're unbelievable.
00:47:33Even when it's for charity, you're on the make.
00:47:36Anyway, come on, have you got your tracksuit?
00:47:38Yeah, I've got a tracksuit.
00:47:39I've seen them in the meeting.
00:47:41Let me know when they come.
00:47:41At the meeting?
00:47:42Yeah.
00:47:42Yeah, at the meeting with Stella.
00:47:45Stella?
00:47:46I'm meeting with Stella.
00:47:48Stella and Eddie, who are the others?
00:47:51Okay, let's get the both of you going.
00:47:54Both?
00:47:55Yes, both.
00:47:56Yeah, but I can't get to it here.
00:47:56I've got a meeting.
00:47:58Emma, I know you're fit, but how about your friend, dear?
00:48:00Oh, no, she's not my friend.
00:48:03Well, how fit are you?
00:48:04Who the hell are you?
00:48:05I'm Colin Jackson.
00:48:07The Colin Jackson.
00:48:08Oh, V. Colin Jackson.
00:48:10I'm very fit and I don't need your help, thank you.
00:48:12I'm just trying to turn on the telly here.
00:48:15Look, MTV.
00:48:19Well, fit enough for you.
00:48:20I haven't turned the machine on yet.
00:48:22Oh, oh, oh!
00:48:30Do you want to do some jogging?
00:48:31I can't jogging.
00:48:32No, you're not.
00:48:33Oh, God.
00:48:35I will keep going.
00:48:36Just remember, it's to encourage people.
00:48:38Yeah.
00:48:39Now, come on.
00:48:40I know you can last five minutes.
00:48:42You can do it for five minutes?
00:48:43Yeah, I'll do it.
00:48:45I can.
00:48:45I'll keep going.
00:48:47I can.
00:48:48Look at you.
00:48:50You fat, fat, lazy, lazy woman.
00:48:54Need a machine to move her fat, fat, lazy, lazy legs.
00:49:00Need to pay someone to shout at her, feel the bird.
00:49:04Why don't you pick up the hoover now and then?
00:49:08Do something useful with that fat body of yours.
00:49:12Fat, fat, lazy, lazy woman.
00:49:16Fat, lazy woman.
00:49:19Oh, oh, I'm swimming.
00:49:21Are you all right?
00:49:22I didn't think it was biologically possible to be that unfit.
00:49:26I didn't think it was biologically possible to be that unfit.
00:49:58Oh, God, not on another one.
00:49:59What now?
00:50:00What?
00:50:01Come on, Linford, give her a good workout.
00:50:03I'm going to go and stretch.
00:50:05Yeah, well, you need to.
00:50:07Anyway, how's your muscle tone?
00:50:08Yeah, it's good.
00:50:08It's good.
00:50:09It's in there.
00:50:10It's in there.
00:50:10It's in there.
00:50:10Feel it.
00:50:11Feel it.
00:50:11I think we're going to have to start you gently.
00:50:12Yeah, I think so.
00:50:13Here, I'll start you.
00:50:14Oh, darling.
00:50:14Darling, what's she doing here?
00:50:16It's all right.
00:50:16They won't be here for a while yet.
00:50:17Well, hello.
00:50:19You mind not smoking?
00:50:20Oh, well, just for you, Linford.
00:50:25A little shoulder there.
00:50:26That's pretty nice, isn't it, sweetheart?
00:50:27That'd feel nice, darling.
00:50:28Cheers.
00:50:29A little sip of something, darling.
00:50:30A sip of others, darling.
00:50:32I've got a very sore shoulder here.
00:50:33You need to concentrate.
00:50:34Positive mental attitude.
00:50:36Oh, God.
00:50:36I know.
00:50:37I don't see the point, you see.
00:50:38I just can't see.
00:50:40You're not concentrating.
00:50:42Yeah, Linford.
00:50:43Linford.
00:50:43Oh, I'm concentrating.
00:50:45I'm concentrating on Linford.
00:50:49Darling, she shouldn't be here.
00:50:50She should be upstairs waiting for them.
00:50:52Guess they arrive.
00:50:52Oh, must I?
00:50:53Well, darling, I'm not doing this for charity, am I?
00:50:55Get out there.
00:50:56Get some champagne and nibbles in.
00:51:00And darling, remember Stella doesn't eat fur.
00:51:05Have we met before?
00:51:07Yeah, I'm Patsy Stone.
00:51:08Patsy.
00:51:09Pats.
00:51:09Pats.
00:51:10Pat.
00:51:11Pat.
00:51:11Pat.
00:51:12Pat.
00:51:12Pat.
00:51:12Pat.
00:51:13This is Kate.
00:51:14Oh, Kate.
00:51:15Hi.
00:51:16Just Kate.
00:51:17Yeah, well, who in the world doesn't know who you are, Kate?
00:51:19The amount of time you've been around.
00:51:20What?
00:51:21Well, you know, you're just like me, Kate.
00:51:23Us 39ers must stick together.
00:51:25The 39ers.
00:51:27This is David.
00:51:29Oh, hi, David.
00:51:29Hi.
00:51:30Hey, Pats.
00:51:30I think we've met before, no?
00:51:32Yeah, I don't know, David, but I've carried your pants in my last two issues.
00:51:35Thanks, man.
00:51:35Yeah.
00:51:36Appreciate that.
00:51:37Hey, we really love the idea about the feature.
00:51:40Feature?
00:51:40Yeah.
00:51:41It's a great idea.
00:51:42Yeah.
00:51:43Amazing.
00:51:43Really, really good.
00:51:44Yeah.
00:51:44Brilliant.
00:51:45Yeah.
00:51:46Yeah.
00:51:46The Olympians and Kate?
00:51:48Yeah.
00:51:48Amazing.
00:51:49It's a great idea.
00:51:50So good.
00:51:50Oh, well, cheers.
00:51:53Thanks a lot.
00:51:54Just don't bring that friend of yours, Eddie.
00:51:56Eddie?
00:51:57No.
00:51:58She really twists my manners.
00:52:00But she's...
00:52:02Oh, no.
00:52:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:52:10Oh.
00:52:11Oh, God.
00:52:12Oh, God.
00:52:13Oh, darling, Pats, over here.
00:52:14Don't come, Eddie.
00:52:15Eddie, don't come.
00:52:19You're actually a really good boxer, Emma.
00:52:20By the way, I'm a big fan.
00:52:22Oh, thanks.
00:52:23Oh, I love boxing.
00:52:25Yeah, just pretend boxing, though, isn't it?
00:52:26Just pretend.
00:52:27Can't imagine being in a ring with you, though, David.
00:52:29Oh, I don't know.
00:52:31God, go on.
00:52:32Look at you.
00:52:33Look at you powder-plug boxing.
00:52:35Go on, hit it.
00:52:39Steady, ladies.
00:52:40Steady.
00:52:43I can't go to the hospital.
00:52:45I've got a meeting.
00:52:46I've got a meeting.
00:52:48I can't go to the hospital.
00:52:49Stop.
00:52:50Stop.
00:52:50Please, please.
00:52:51Who is that?
00:52:52Isn't that your friend?
00:52:54No, I never saw it before in my life.
00:52:55Rodriguez, another round here, please, darling.
00:52:57Pats.
00:52:58Pats.
00:52:59Pats.
00:53:01Pats.
00:53:01Pats.
00:53:02Pats.
00:53:02Pats.
00:53:03Pats.
00:53:03Pats.
00:53:03Pats.
00:53:04Pats.
00:53:04Pats.
00:53:05Pats.
00:53:08Pats.
00:53:17Pats.
00:53:17Here we are.
00:53:18We're in a gym.
00:53:19And we're in a gym because we're doing a sport relief sketch, and we're doing an ab fab sketch.
00:53:27And then we can literally just do it like that.
00:53:37And so she goes, spread back up.
00:53:40Yes, since you were staying. And in the meantime, he stopped it, OK?
00:53:45We're doing a sketch for Sport Relief based on our fag characters.
00:53:50So we've got Eddie and Patsy with us.
00:53:53We've got Emma Bunton as well.
00:53:55And then up in the bar, much later on, we have Kate Moss and Stella McCartney.
00:54:00Can't get to us until eight.
00:54:03And down here in the gym, we've got Colin Jackson, Linford Christie and David Hay,
00:54:09which is very exciting.
00:54:11So basically, Adina's stuck down here having to do the Sport Relief gym stuff
00:54:18and Patsy's upstairs, sex in the city, very glamorous, drinking with the fashionistas.
00:54:24That's what we've got to achieve today.
00:54:31Jennifer and I have worked out all the funny business.
00:54:34So basically, we just put our heads down and be funny.
00:54:41It's quite hard to pretend to be unfit for me.
00:54:44It's harder for Emma. It's harder for Emma.
00:54:46See, I'm the opposite. I don't do anything.
00:54:48No.
00:54:48She's much better than me.
00:54:49Yeah, I'm so much better than Emma.
00:54:52She's a podge, isn't she Emma?
00:54:53Bit of a podge.
00:54:54Bit of a podge.
00:54:56We're waiting now to do the opening sequence of the Sport Relief sketch that I wrote very recently.
00:55:05Dina has a moment on cross-trainer, falls off, comes back onto the machine.
00:55:10We received the script at 8 o'clock last night, so they got it at about 5 past 8.
00:55:14This morning, it's a little bit close to the mark.
00:55:17As I walked in before, yeah.
00:55:20For Jennifer, it's certainly a record because sometimes you get it just literally just before you go on.
00:55:25That's a lie. You get it about 10 minutes before you go on.
00:55:28It's going to be changing all the time, and I think that's the way that Jennifer usually likes to work
00:55:32anyway.
00:55:33So the script will evolve right the way through the day.
00:55:37That's why we love Jennifer. She writes everything off the cuff.
00:55:45Now, we're going to have Emma Bunton here, and Jennifer, as Eddie, on here.
00:55:50And we're going to give Colin Jackson a nice entrance.
00:55:53So we're set up this way, and he will step in.
00:55:57Hopefully the audience will go, oh, it's me, Colin Jackson.
00:56:01So that's what we're going to do now.
00:56:02I've always been involved in Sport Relief, and I've always done some kind of project from way back when.
00:56:07So, of course, when I was asked to do this, this really special app for Sport Relief,
00:56:12how could I turn it down?
00:56:13So the call came, I changed my diary, and I'm here today.
00:56:18Well, let's get the most of you going.
00:56:21Both? Yes.
00:56:23Good, but I've got a meeting. I've got this one.
00:56:25Well, technically, I am their fitness expert.
00:56:28Not very qualified, well, like most of it.
00:56:30But it is so much fun.
00:56:33And it just feeds them a little bit, the lines, and see how they work.
00:56:35It's just working wonders.
00:56:36And I've got to try and stop myself from smiling all the way through,
00:56:39because I am a big fan.
00:56:41I didn't think it was biologically possible to be that little fit.
00:56:49And Colin.
00:56:51Colin is actually a natural,
00:56:53but I think he probably spends more time in front of his television camera than the rest of us,
00:56:56so he's slightly showing us up.
00:56:59Colin Jackson's brilliant.
00:57:01He just came in, did his lines, and yeah, so far so good.
00:57:08We've just done a scene in the gym with Adina,
00:57:10and I've appeared as a little devil on the shoulder,
00:57:16because we have this love-hate relationship,
00:57:17so I'm giving her words of encouragement while she's on the treadmill.
00:57:21Excuse me, darling.
00:57:22See what I have to work with.
00:57:25Fat woman!
00:57:26I've always wanted one of those.
00:57:30That's the other thing.
00:57:35That's for later.
00:57:38I'm sure they're punching.
00:57:40I'm most looking forward to punching Emma Bunty,
00:57:43and for her to punch me back.
00:57:46That's what I'm most looking forward to.
00:57:47Jennifer goes whack like that.
00:57:54I'm doing a quick look at the script.
00:57:56I'm not doing actually that much,
00:57:57and I'm going to be a boxing trainer,
00:58:01and a little bit of an altercation between 50 girls,
00:58:04so it's been fun.
00:58:07It's a bike.
00:58:09It's going to be much stronger.
00:58:11Very, very good.
00:58:13Today, we are going to film something slightly short
00:58:17of Dr. Zhivago in about 25 minutes.
00:58:19Jennifer has thought this one through,
00:58:21and it has got a shape and a lovely idea to it.
00:58:23It's great.
00:58:26Always, when you're being made up properly by professionals,
00:58:28leave some makeup on and add it,
00:58:30and then during the day, add more,
00:58:32and then just before midnight, add more.
00:58:37Well, Emma's got the new pink gloves that David wore,
00:58:41and I said stupidly.
00:58:43I said stupidly, I would have these gloves,
00:58:46which...
00:58:46And they stink.
00:58:47They stink.
00:58:48They stink of sweat.
00:58:50Go right in.
00:58:51No, go right in.
00:58:51Go right in.
00:58:53Yeah!
00:58:58See what I do for her?
00:59:01Take a mark.
00:59:02Twelve, take one.
00:59:05Got it!
00:59:06Get out of that boxing.
00:59:08Give it a hit!
00:59:09Give it a hit!
00:59:10Ah!
00:59:12Ah!
00:59:15Ah!
00:59:17Ah!
00:59:18And I think at the end, David,
00:59:20there's some admiration at Emma.
00:59:23Ooh!
00:59:24Yeah!
00:59:24Exactly!
00:59:25Not good!
00:59:26Very good.
00:59:27Well done.
00:59:28Oh, I love it!
00:59:35Not bad.
00:59:38You actually damaged my wrist, I think.
00:59:40I hope you guys are insured.
00:59:43Pull out of my next fight now.
00:59:44I thought this was just like jokey exercise,
00:59:47but it's like real exercise at the same time.
00:59:50It's just like real.
00:59:53You think it was just joking.
00:59:55Just acting.
00:59:55It's not.
00:59:56It's exercise.
00:59:56It's nice.
00:59:57It's doing my head in.
00:59:59It's very nice.
00:59:59It's actually doing my back in.
01:00:00Oh.
01:00:01It's fun.
01:00:02It's good.
01:00:03Separate the two girls, going crazy there.
01:00:06Real power floating about there.
01:00:09Patsy enters holding two drinks.
01:00:11Here you are, Eds.
01:00:13You see, I can say that.
01:00:14Do you hear this extraordinary sound?
01:00:16It's a chorus.
01:00:16I like to have music with me wherever I am,
01:00:18whether you're learning or looking at lines.
01:00:20So I've got a small chorus of people who just do
01:00:24voiceless, wordless howling in the background.
01:00:27I think that's what it is, is it?
01:00:30They just told me it's the wind blowing.
01:00:35Linford Christie's in the next scene.
01:00:38And, um, I've got to pretend not to be that tired now
01:00:42because I haven't done the boxing yet.
01:00:44But, yes, I can see.
01:00:46I am quite tired.
01:00:50Now I'm going to get personal, personal, Jennifer.
01:00:53Come and join us, Linford.
01:00:54Let's play.
01:00:55Woo-hoo!
01:01:02And turn over.
01:01:07And action.
01:01:13I stood there a while.
01:01:14Jennifer crawled up my legs, you know?
01:01:16It's a first.
01:01:21What now?
01:01:23Jennifer can work out.
01:01:25I'm going to go and stretch.
01:01:26Here, will you believe it?
01:01:28Oh, God!
01:01:30Oh, God!
01:01:32That was so sweet!
01:01:34It's an open moment.
01:01:36Report relief is a good cause.
01:01:38They are, you know, so many people, you know,
01:01:40children around the world and everything else.
01:01:42So, you know, it's, I think the least
01:01:46us sports people can do is to try and give something back.
01:01:49You know, we, we kind of, we perform and we get support.
01:01:53So, someone can give us support.
01:01:55We can also give, you know, others their stories
01:01:57and ourselves some support.
01:01:58That's it.
01:01:59Lovely.
01:02:06Okay.
01:02:06Any jokes, guys, for shooting that?
01:02:07No, you're all in.
01:02:08Hi.
01:02:22So, we finished in the gym now.
01:02:24And that went terribly well.
01:02:25All the men were absolutely brilliant.
01:02:28Who would have thought that David Haye was an ad-black?
01:02:30He is.
01:02:31And now we are back in the bar where Patsy is waiting for them.
01:02:35And we do the end.
01:02:40And now we are back in the presence of David Gandy, Kate Moss,
01:02:44and Stella McCartney.
01:02:45So, we've gone from sport luminaries to fashion luminaries.
01:02:51I'm feeling a lot better since I got out of that gym then.
01:02:57Hello?
01:02:58Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:02:59I don't know.
01:03:00I'm just praising Betty Jackson's case.
01:03:02I mean, that's an absolute turn.
01:03:07No, it's fun.
01:03:08Everyone was really, really good.
01:03:09And so, therefore, of course, we can keep up to speed.
01:03:12But we're losing people, and people are coming,
01:03:14and it's London Fashion Week,
01:03:16and we are 45 minutes from London Fashion Week,
01:03:19and we don't know if they're going to get here on time,
01:03:22but I suspect they will.
01:03:23But that's, that's nothing we can do about that.
01:03:26Eddie, Eddie, who are the others?
01:03:30Dave.
01:03:33No!
01:03:35Oh, God.
01:03:38Yeah, we just completed Emma Bunton.
01:03:41We just struck her.
01:03:43Thank you so much.
01:03:45I've had the best day.
01:03:46Lots of laughs.
01:03:47Obviously, being with Jenna and Jennifer is always very special.
01:03:52And I just loved being involved.
01:03:55Thank you for having me.
01:03:57And it's all about sports relief.
01:03:58So, muah!
01:04:10That's just my look, when David Bunton would have hit me.
01:04:14Um...
01:04:16Because...
01:04:16And it means that she can't then, you know, meet...
01:04:18There, there, and Kayak embodied the gorgeous David Gandhi.
01:04:26It's like this little hunchback next to this ugly little hunchback attached to this gorgeous man.
01:04:32Great place.
01:04:33Any time.
01:04:34I'm not doing very much, thank goodness.
01:04:36I've only got a couple of lines,
01:04:37and, um...
01:04:38Trying not to laugh at, um...
01:04:40Patsy and Eddie, I think.
01:04:41I'm a terrible, terrible giggler.
01:04:44So, we'll see where it goes.
01:04:47Here we go.
01:04:49And...
01:04:50Action.
01:04:59Cut!
01:05:00Brilliant.
01:05:01And cut that.
01:05:02Steve.
01:05:04He was so sweet.
01:05:17We're waiting for, uh...
01:05:19Stella McCartney.
01:05:20But we're gonna forgive her,
01:05:21because she has her, um...
01:05:22She has her clothes to show you tomorrow.
01:05:25So, um...
01:05:25How she's fitting this all in, I have no idea.
01:05:27So, um...
01:05:28She's turning up in any minute now,
01:05:30and then we're...
01:05:30We're ready to roll.
01:05:31So, um...
01:05:32So, um...
01:05:33So, um...
01:05:35So, um...
01:05:35So, um...
01:05:35Okay.
01:05:36Guys, stay here.
01:05:38I'm really sorry.
01:05:40I'm so sorry.
01:05:41I'm so sorry.
01:05:43I'm so sorry.
01:05:44So, um...
01:05:44So, um...
01:05:45And you've been mad at me for a while.
01:05:47Okay.
01:05:48Okay.
01:05:48Pat.
01:05:49I remember that bit.
01:05:52Yeah.
01:05:52Shall we?
01:05:53No.
01:05:54Give me a knife.
01:05:56Give me a knife.
01:05:57What are we doing?
01:05:58What are we doing?
01:06:00I know.
01:06:01Hands of speed.
01:06:02Pass.
01:06:02On three, take one.
01:06:04Action.
01:06:07Oh, hi.
01:06:09Hi.
01:06:10Have we met before?
01:06:11Yeah, yeah.
01:06:12I'm Patsy Stern.
01:06:13Patsy.
01:06:14Patsy.
01:06:14Patsy.
01:06:15Patsy.
01:06:15Patsy.
01:06:16Patsy.
01:06:16Patsy.
01:06:16Patsy.
01:06:17Patsy.
01:06:18Okay.
01:06:20I had this small matter of, um...
01:06:22A clothes show.
01:06:23David.
01:06:24Now, I had, um...
01:06:25I've got a fashion show tomorrow.
01:06:27So, I was, um, busy beavering away.
01:06:30This, this kind of thing comes first, I hate to say.
01:06:33It's a far better cause than pretty clothes.
01:06:38I think if we can, you know, convince them that we pulled it off there, then...
01:06:43You can do anything.
01:06:44They're not as good as they think they are.
01:06:47Just watch Jennifer the whole time.
01:06:50Just watch Jennifer the whole time, and I'll just go now, and then you start.
01:06:54Lovely.
01:06:55Right, let's see you, please.
01:06:58Quiet, please.
01:07:00Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
01:07:03Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
01:07:04Ruff!
01:07:06That's functionality!
01:07:10Oh, God.
01:07:11I don't get to sit in the bowl of David Gandy cake losses.
01:07:14Oh, I can't even. It's slightly distressing me.
01:07:16But I did write it.
01:07:17So I've got nobody to blame it less.
01:07:19You're gonna never aim at yourself.
01:07:21No, I'll do it.
01:07:21I'll do it.
01:07:22I'll do it.
01:07:22I'll do it.
01:07:23I'll do it.
01:07:24I'll do it.
01:07:26I'll do it.
01:07:28I'll do it.
01:07:30I'll do it.
01:07:31I'll do it.
01:07:32I'll do it.
01:07:33I'll do it.
01:07:35I'll do it.
01:07:35I'll do it.
01:07:35Thank you very much, Kate.
01:07:38Am I back on?
01:07:39Yes.
01:07:43I've known for a while.
01:07:48I'll do it.
01:07:50I'll do it.
01:07:50I'll do it.
01:07:51I'll do it.
01:07:51I'll do it.
01:07:52I'll do it.
01:07:53I'll do it.
01:07:53That one or that one.
01:07:55And action.
01:07:56Ruff!
01:07:58Ruff!
01:07:59Ruff!
01:07:59Ruff!
01:08:00Ruff!
01:08:03Perfect.
01:08:04That's the one.
01:08:05Perfect.
01:08:06And cut.
01:08:07Very good.
01:08:07And believe it or not,
01:08:09you can call it.
01:08:11Jennifer Solis, ladies and gentlemen.
01:08:24Well, we did it.
01:08:26It was a moment when we didn't think we were going to.
01:08:29We started 40 minutes late.
01:08:31Stella McCartney was stuck in the Friday night traffic.
01:08:34But we've done it.
01:08:36Night-night.
01:08:39Well, it's 10 o'clock.
01:08:42at night now.
01:08:43So, we've worked for 12 hours.
01:08:44And it's all gone really well.
01:08:46And we've finished on time here,
01:08:48because Miley Fletcher is a brilliant director.
01:08:50And I think it's, I think, I mean,
01:08:52I'm hopeful, hopefully,
01:08:53when it's all cut together,
01:08:54it will be funny.
01:08:55I'm hoping.
01:08:56It's hard to kind of know,
01:08:58because it's been quite a rush today
01:08:59and quite doing everything quite fast.
01:09:02But, yeah, that's enough.
01:09:04It will all be in the editing.
01:09:05Let's say that.
01:09:07Bye-bye.