- 2 days ago
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00:00:05Yes, my life.
00:00:06Actually, no, couldn't we unclap a minute? Unclap, unclap.
00:00:09Can I just say to the producer, can you just make sure you've got credits for La Croix, DKNY, Calvin
00:00:15Klein,
00:00:15because otherwise I won't get my clothes free.
00:00:17All right? All right, we can clap again.
00:00:19But also, no, I don't want to spend too long with my mother in the charity shop, in the old
00:00:23people's place.
00:00:24I mean, because my parents were no influence on my life at all.
00:00:27I mean, they're a complete mystery to me.
00:00:28She was a cuckoo, you know, a big, fat cuckoo.
00:00:35Cut her. Cut her, unclap. Unclap, don't run.
00:00:39That is not going to happen.
00:00:41No, no, no, no, no.
00:00:43Anyway, how come she was here to be the man?
00:00:47Talking to yourself, dear, that's the first sign of madness, you know.
00:00:50Only I thought it was talking to you.
00:00:54What do you want, huh?
00:00:56I just popped by to use your oven to make the cakes for the shop.
00:01:00What, the old misery's charity shop?
00:01:02That's right, dear.
00:01:03What, that I saw with a moth-eaten felt hat, a chip cup and a couple of dead batteries passing
00:01:07as the window displayed fast?
00:01:09Well, we don't put anything that people might want to buy in the window, or we'd have to keep replacing
00:01:13it.
00:01:17You're all out of cocoa, and I promised Mr. Potter a chocolate cake this week.
00:01:21Well, this is all my stuff you use, is it, huh?
00:01:23What, dear?
00:01:24All this, all this, all this, this wheat powder, what's this?
00:01:28Flour, dear.
00:01:29Flour, yes.
00:01:31All this is mine, is it?
00:01:32I mean, I am now paying for old people to eat cake.
00:01:35Sophie said you wouldn't mind, dear.
00:01:36Where is she?
00:01:39She left home, you knew that.
00:01:40Oh, yes, of course.
00:01:42Oh.
00:01:44Oh, yes.
00:01:48Is, um, is old Patsy coming back?
00:01:52No.
00:01:53Well, there's a thing.
00:01:56You and me alone at last.
00:02:00Oh, I see, well.
00:02:02Well, when was the last time?
00:02:04Actually, dear, I think it's a first.
00:02:07Well, don't feel you have to say anything to mark the occasion, please.
00:02:10No, no.
00:02:11It's probably better if I go.
00:02:13Yeah, yeah, off you go.
00:02:13I'll come back later and finish this when, when there's somebody here.
00:02:16Yeah.
00:02:29Oh, God.
00:02:32No, no, stop it.
00:02:35Unclap, unclap.
00:02:36Don't just move one thing.
00:02:37It's just like, naturally, you know.
00:02:39But I've, you said I'm a senile, dear.
00:02:42Yeah, well, like, carry on, carry on.
00:02:46Oh.
00:02:47She's quite nice there, I think.
00:02:49Yes, I was going to say, the thing that's obvious from looking at my mother is that I
00:02:55must have been adopted.
00:02:57Which is why, no, which is why, when I had my daughter, I wanted to have her adopted.
00:03:03A sort of genetic urge, I think.
00:03:05Just one last little cough for me, mummy-to-be.
00:03:25There we are now, untouched by human hand.
00:03:31Oh, get that thing away from me.
00:03:34Oh, where am I?
00:03:35Clank, clank, clank, clank.
00:03:38Yeah.
00:03:39So is lights, sweetie.
00:03:41Oh, yeah.
00:03:41So that woman's got a lot to answer for.
00:03:43She made her razor head look like Emmerdale Bloody Farms, sweetie.
00:03:46She didn't take her rubber gloves off for the first 12 years.
00:03:49I mean, then it was just injections, injections, chemicals, chemicals, polio, vaccine, vaccine,
00:03:53bottle chemicals, bottle chemicals.
00:03:55Has my generation made ICI what it is today, darling?
00:03:57No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
00:03:59no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:04:00Don't think you're so clever.
00:04:02I've started repressed false memory therapy.
00:04:04I'll get something on you yet.
00:04:11You in a wood in a hood.
00:04:13It's all coming back to me.
00:04:16You've got your grandmother's hips.
00:04:17Well, that's thanks to you.
00:04:19I mean, thanks to all the chips and lard and potatoes and white bread and suet pudding covered in treacle
00:04:25I had to eat as a child, darling.
00:04:26You know, all the endless cups of sugary tea and...
00:04:29Mr. Whiffy.
00:04:32Biscuits and chips and meat fried in six inches of animal fat.
00:04:35Thanks to that.
00:04:36Before we had the deep freeze.
00:04:38Oh, God, even then it was the same food, only colder.
00:04:41Loves it.
00:04:42And do you know, darling, the real problem started, sweetie, because I wasn't even breastfed.
00:04:47Oh, don't be ridiculous, dear.
00:04:48It wasn't done in those days.
00:04:50Imagine me having that clamped to my breast.
00:04:57Is your mother not feeding you, dear?
00:04:59You know what she's like.
00:05:01She's not burning her brow again, is she?
00:05:02We can't have you turning into a great gangling what's-it.
00:05:07Skinny, belinky, long legs, big banana feet.
00:05:12And a roly-poly pudding that nobody wants to meet.
00:05:18Anyway, sweetie, can I just say that at least you're not fat like me.
00:05:23Hmm?
00:05:24I mean, what you two don't seem to realise is that inside of me, inside of me, there's
00:05:28a thin person just screaming to get out.
00:05:31Just the one, dear.
00:05:38Action.
00:05:40Action, action, action, action.
00:05:44Action!
00:05:45Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
00:05:48Tell me, why are we doing this again?
00:05:50Oh, Christ.
00:05:51You are very lucky there's people here, you know.
00:05:54Oh, yes, yes.
00:05:56There's hardly anybody in on a Monday, usually.
00:05:58Well, Monday isn't really a shopping day, is it?
00:06:00Coming so closely on top of the weekend, really.
00:06:03Shut up, shut up.
00:06:03I think people have other things to do on a Monday.
00:06:05Stop, stop, stop, stop.
00:06:05I'll...
00:06:06Oh.
00:06:08I mean, what is the point in having her in this,
00:06:10if she's going to end up on the floor anyway?
00:06:12On the floor, dear?
00:06:13Well, just shut up.
00:06:14We have a production meeting.
00:06:16Can we talk about this?
00:06:17Can we send someone out for things?
00:06:19You stay there.
00:06:20You stay there.
00:06:20No one thinks you're funny.
00:06:23You see, that's just manslaughter.
00:06:25That's not arse.
00:06:26That's just manslaughter.
00:06:27Just get on and do it.
00:06:28She's ready now.
00:06:29She's ready.
00:06:30Go.
00:06:31If you really want to know about her,
00:06:34you should ask her teachers.
00:06:35If they're still alive,
00:06:36they'd be able to tell you a thing or two.
00:06:38I doubt that very much.
00:06:40I mean, I spent five years
00:06:43in prison in some star-lag school
00:06:45and none of them managed
00:06:46to impart any relevant information to me.
00:06:48Perhaps they didn't know
00:06:50how to roll one of your funny cigarettes, dear.
00:06:52Oh, foof-ter.
00:06:54She killed her father, you know.
00:06:57What?
00:06:58Nothing.
00:06:59Come out, Lanch.
00:07:01Something about the smell of schools.
00:07:04You've probably forgotten
00:07:05the number of times
00:07:07I was summoned
00:07:07by your headmistress
00:07:09for your smokinginess
00:07:10or truancy.
00:07:12No truancy, of course.
00:07:14Believe me when I tell you
00:07:15I think I spent more time
00:07:17at your school
00:07:17in that last year
00:07:18than either one of you.
00:07:21How much further is it?
00:07:25Sexy smell, isn't it?
00:07:27Hans.
00:07:28Takes you back.
00:07:30Testosterone mixed
00:07:30to his cheek
00:07:31and perfume
00:07:32and sparrows
00:07:33and folders
00:07:34and your first condom
00:07:35which you hide in your desk
00:07:36with your lucky stripes
00:07:37with Dr. White.
00:07:39Fabulous days.
00:07:40Fabulous days, Eddie.
00:07:41There, Safi.
00:07:42Hello, darling.
00:07:43Look at my...
00:07:44When's the show?
00:07:45Mum, it's not a show.
00:07:46It's a presentation.
00:07:47I need a drink.
00:07:48Where's the bar?
00:07:49Dime that isn't it?
00:07:50Where's the bar?
00:07:51Is it a dime?
00:07:51No.
00:07:52What's the talk about, dear?
00:07:53DNA.
00:07:54Should that mean
00:07:55anything to me, dear?
00:07:57As long as I know.
00:07:59So, is this your mother?
00:08:00No, this is my gran.
00:08:01This is my mother.
00:08:02Oh, pleased to meet you.
00:08:04Hello.
00:08:04The headmaster's asked me
00:08:05to round up a few parents
00:08:07and take them along
00:08:07to his office to meet him.
00:08:08We've actually got a few minutes
00:08:09before the presentation starts
00:08:11if you'd like to come with me.
00:08:13Can I bring my friend?
00:08:14Yes, of course.
00:08:15Follow me.
00:08:17It's the headmaster, sweetie.
00:08:18Headmaster.
00:08:26I've told him you're here.
00:08:27You won't keep him, darling.
00:08:28Oh, thank you, Mr. Johnson.
00:08:31I've never put that fag out.
00:08:36Why?
00:08:36I don't care.
00:08:37It's only a college.
00:08:38What have you got to see us about?
00:08:40I don't know, do I?
00:08:41It's you who wants to see it.
00:08:42Me.
00:08:43Can I help you?
00:08:44What are you doing here?
00:08:45Just waiting to see Miss Donnelly.
00:08:47Take that cigarette out of your mouth,
00:08:48Patricia Stone,
00:08:49you disgusting little girl.
00:08:51You two make me sick.
00:08:53Oh, God, I hate him.
00:08:55I'm just standing quietly, Pat.
00:08:58Here.
00:08:59Go on.
00:09:00What?
00:09:03What do you think she wants to see us about?
00:09:06Don't you dare say anything about me and Tony.
00:09:08Oh, look.
00:09:10You know who you look like?
00:09:12Kathy McGahn.
00:09:14God, you look really pretty,
00:09:16just like her.
00:09:16Don't I?
00:09:18You look like Marianne Faithfull.
00:09:21Come in now!
00:09:34You dirty,
00:09:37dirty,
00:09:38dirty,
00:09:41disgusting,
00:09:43revolting,
00:09:44devil children!
00:09:46No one's having it off,
00:09:48not me!
00:09:51Oh, God, God, God, God, God.
00:09:55Oh, far out.
00:09:57Oh, that's fantastic.
00:10:06Oh, it's...
00:10:07Oh, that's cool.
00:10:11Are you going to come in?
00:10:14Oh, that's so funny.
00:10:42good concert why don't you come in and tell us all about it
00:10:46I still up your father'd love to see you here she is where was the concert this
00:11:13time dear Eel Pie Island again was it anyone we should have heard of the
00:11:21Beatles the stones the rolling home see dear are you okay is that cider I can
00:11:30smell on your mom can you come downstairs please have you seen what you're talking
00:11:37to Tutankhamun I've got some bad news I can't move for an hour I'm being shrunk
00:11:45and then I've got to go pick Patsy up from the hospital I don't tut her she wanted her
00:11:51stomach pumped again no she thought they were her antibiotics darling
00:11:57Brian is downstairs and she wants to see you oh that's never really worked as a
00:12:02threat that one she's got some very sad news oh tragic oh what what I think she
00:12:09should tell you oh god I'm doing so oh god you're blubbing for now
00:12:13mom come downstairs now
00:12:15oh god
00:12:20if I come the Dead Sea comes with me
00:12:26good morning dear oh I say is that all the rage
00:12:32it's a rap oh they've changed since my day
00:12:36is it a Vivian Westwood
00:12:39come on
00:12:40what's I want to tell mom
00:12:43do we have to
00:12:44come on gran
00:12:46no you tell her dear you're better at these things I don't know why but I
00:12:50have the feeling that I might laugh
00:12:52that would just be an hysterical reaction
00:12:54yes hilarious dear but I do think it would be rather inappropriate
00:12:59come on I mean does this look comfortable
00:13:02mom maybe you should sit down
00:13:03no darling my crust can't be broken
00:13:06look me now dear your father is dead
00:13:09well done
00:13:14well done did she finish him off or something
00:13:18that was it wasn't it dear I'm not going mad am I
00:13:21grandad has died
00:13:23is that all you can do
00:13:24all you can say
00:13:26don't you think gran needs a little bit more
00:13:28oh don't drag me into it dear
00:13:31she's doing her best I'm sure
00:13:33now don't you get yourself into a state
00:13:39your father is dead
00:13:40what does that make you feel mom
00:13:43and you can stop smirking
00:13:51upset sweet upset upset
00:13:53there I told you dear
00:13:55I'm not going to crack yet
00:13:55oh leave the mummy and come to granny
00:13:58I am upset darling
00:14:02mom
00:14:04just go back upstairs and don't come back down until you've really thought about it
00:14:09I have thought about it now darling
00:14:13come away from the old woman
00:14:16go
00:14:21I don't know how you do it dear she would never do that for me
00:14:25I expect grandad kept her in check though
00:14:27oh no he was scared stiff of her
00:14:30coffee tea tea coffee
00:14:32is this going to taste
00:14:32just dishwater look at this
00:14:34just colourless odeless dishwater
00:14:36Bovril dear
00:14:37don't you dare
00:14:38no no I'm sorry it isn't Chappaquino
00:14:41Chappaquino your favourite coffee
00:14:43oh you know you must have a death wish
00:14:45will you just hurry up
00:14:46I mean just say the things that I've written for you to say on the autocue
00:14:50then I can get out of this sad place and interview important people
00:14:53I've got friends waiting
00:14:54oh how is sad old Patsy
00:14:57she's not sad
00:14:59anyway she's just not around at the moment so you know
00:15:02still in a coma is she
00:15:04she's not in a coma she's unconscious
00:15:07you know even unconscious
00:15:09in a coma
00:15:10in a hospital with a drip in her arm
00:15:12she's more mentally with it than you are
00:15:14she's a survivor you see perhaps that's the difference
00:15:16what am I then
00:15:17here's a relic
00:15:18cut
00:15:19oh god
00:15:21how long is this going to take
00:15:23has anyone got my ciabatta
00:15:26hmm
00:15:26didn't I order a tofu ciabatta
00:15:29starving
00:15:30peeky wiki
00:15:35oh Patricia
00:15:37oh hello
00:15:37how nice
00:15:40still no ring on that finger then
00:15:42still no husband
00:15:43no one special
00:15:44Eddie
00:15:45and you were always the one with the boys
00:15:48it seems so strange to me that Ed Weiner should have been married twice
00:15:51and you still a spinster
00:15:53oh I don't know
00:16:19anyway darling
00:16:20who was it you were with last night
00:16:21oh he was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the traffic lights
00:16:24buns
00:16:25buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls
00:16:26bye Pats
00:16:27just dial in the back
00:16:28bye bye Pats
00:16:31Pats
00:16:31oh
00:16:32we're keeping these two
00:16:34no I thought we'd get a couple of different ones at the party
00:16:42say hello Georgie
00:16:43hi
00:16:44shall we have some coffee Georgie
00:16:45oh I don't know
00:16:47I uh
00:16:48no I better not
00:16:49I'm going to be at the gym in a few minutes
00:16:51thanks anyway ladies
00:16:52girls Georgie we are girls
00:16:55goodbye then
00:16:56don't pump too much iron up that gym of yours aren't sweetie
00:17:03I'll see you later
00:17:07what do you think
00:17:08well he's nice of a type isn't he Pats
00:17:10a toilet trained gorilla
00:17:14nobody asked you
00:17:15well you can't have anything in common
00:17:16you can't have anything to talk about
00:17:18she doesn't want someone to talk to darling
00:17:21I've got you to talk to
00:17:22exactly I mean no one blinks an eye
00:17:24if an older man goes out with a young girl bimbo
00:17:25do they
00:17:26but what's really sick
00:17:27listen now Pats
00:17:27what's really sick darling
00:17:29is when a non-bimbo girl
00:17:30goes out with a really old man
00:17:31that's sick isn't it
00:17:32drink just wine
00:17:33and not smoke
00:17:34that's good
00:17:35I'm not having sex
00:17:37so darling
00:17:39positive
00:17:39all right
00:17:40okay
00:17:41we're starting now
00:17:42when we land
00:17:44I think I can see if we start now
00:17:49let's say when we land
00:17:57hi I'm Daniel
00:17:59hello Daniel
00:18:04Danny hello
00:18:05we'll leave the room
00:18:08we're just friends
00:18:10bye
00:18:12bye Pats
00:18:20what do you do
00:18:22darling
00:18:24Pats is one of the top fashion editors
00:18:25and the top magazine
00:18:26director
00:18:27executive fashion director
00:18:29but she's never at work
00:18:30I am always at work
00:18:32thanks to our friend
00:18:33Mr Mobile Telephone
00:18:34anyway Pats has got that job for life
00:18:35you don't mean to say
00:18:36she's actually good at something
00:18:38darling
00:18:39she slept with the publisher
00:18:41I'm really good at it
00:18:44are these today's
00:18:45yes really
00:18:46anything in them
00:18:47not much darling
00:18:48no
00:18:48MP in drug crisis
00:18:50sex romp shock
00:18:51with fash mag slag
00:18:55damn
00:18:55oh no
00:18:57well there is that
00:18:58thank you very much sweetie
00:18:59well in fact
00:19:00your front page
00:19:01of most of them darling
00:19:02but it has only been a day
00:19:03you know
00:19:03oh
00:19:04I mean who could still possibly
00:19:06be interested in reading all this
00:19:07his wife
00:19:10less than savvy
00:19:11I am the victim in this case
00:19:12I mean he's just using me
00:19:13for publicity
00:19:14he's just riding on my back
00:19:15to get his pathetic little face
00:19:16in the papers
00:19:16exactly sweetie
00:19:17Pats has had the hassle
00:19:18and trauma
00:19:19she's been forced to leave
00:19:20her flat darling
00:19:21forced
00:19:21even the cockroaches
00:19:22left that hole of their own accord
00:19:25they are trying to make out darling
00:19:26that Patsy is some kind of
00:19:27sex crazed
00:19:28morally corrupt
00:19:29drunken
00:19:30high-class prostitute darling
00:19:33pretty accurate so far
00:19:36switch it off sweetie
00:19:38give me the stones
00:19:39any day
00:19:39yes
00:19:40hey Eddie
00:19:41Eddie
00:19:42Eddie
00:19:42remember that weekend
00:19:43with Mick and the boys
00:19:45fabulous
00:19:46fabulous
00:19:47today
00:19:48he's like
00:19:49Patsy used to go out
00:19:50with Keith Moon
00:19:50sweetie
00:19:51yeah
00:19:52well
00:19:53sort of
00:19:54sort of
00:19:55you know
00:19:55woke up underneath him
00:19:56in a hotel bedroom
00:20:00right
00:20:00this is my good side
00:20:01is it
00:20:01it's that one
00:20:02we've got that
00:20:03it's that
00:20:03it's my good side
00:20:04I've got a good side
00:20:05no this one
00:20:06yeah
00:20:07it's bad there
00:20:07it's a cut
00:20:08where's my cutoff
00:20:08about here
00:20:09because that's the best cutoff
00:20:10does this make it look thinner
00:20:11here
00:20:11because I don't want to get it
00:20:12because I have very thin ankles
00:20:13there's no point in showing the hell of me
00:20:14in this bit
00:20:16right
00:20:16okay I know what I'm going to say
00:20:17I'm going to say
00:20:17about charity
00:20:19charity
00:20:20see
00:20:21the thing I think
00:20:22is you've just got to make
00:20:23charity sexy
00:20:24and I did that really
00:20:25I mean it's how I started
00:20:26I was one of the first
00:20:29who thought
00:20:29well you know
00:20:30charity needs PR
00:20:31or it just ends up like this
00:20:33you know
00:20:33it just ends up like a sort of sad shop like this
00:20:36where the only people who come into the shop
00:20:37are the ones that need the charity anyway
00:20:38so what's the point
00:20:40you know
00:20:41but back in the 80s
00:20:42back in the 80s
00:20:43I was
00:20:44you know
00:20:45an innovator
00:20:46I had all the big campaigns
00:20:47well not always
00:20:48I mean the big ones
00:20:48well not the ones I always wanted anyway
00:20:51I mean I wanted to get AIDS
00:20:52but I got Greenpeace
00:20:53which was
00:20:55disaster really
00:20:55because they didn't like a disco
00:21:00sorry
00:21:01I'm sorry
00:21:01I got stuck there
00:21:02what was I going to talk about
00:21:06oh
00:21:07may I help you
00:21:09they are 5p per shoe
00:21:11or 5p per pair
00:21:15I don't suppose you'll be wearing them
00:21:17but they are very useful
00:21:18for banging in tent pegs
00:21:21okay
00:21:21PR
00:21:23PR
00:21:28what the hell is this place
00:21:30it's a sad old horrible place
00:21:33for old people's things
00:21:35it's made me go completely brain dead
00:21:38RP
00:21:39RP I'm saying now instead of PR
00:21:41it's gone senile
00:21:43I'm sorry mum
00:21:44but I've never really seen what it is you actually do
00:21:48PR
00:21:50yes but
00:21:51PR
00:21:51I PR things
00:21:54people
00:21:55places
00:21:56concepts
00:21:57Lulu
00:21:58Lulu
00:22:00I PR them
00:22:01I PR them
00:22:02I am and if you've heard of me
00:22:03I have PR
00:22:04I make the fabulous
00:22:06I make
00:22:06I make the crap
00:22:07into credible
00:22:08I make the dull
00:22:09into
00:22:10delicious
00:22:10delicious
00:22:12no
00:22:12no
00:22:13no I just
00:22:15I just cannot be this person
00:22:17I cannot be this person
00:22:18oh what
00:22:19oh what now
00:22:21what
00:22:21what
00:22:21what
00:22:25darling bubble it's me look
00:22:26here you know I'm getting a bit bogged down with one thing or another you have to cancel
00:22:29a couple of meetings will you
00:22:30will you do that well just
00:22:31well just wing them up no you do it
00:22:32you
00:22:33just wing them up darling and then ring me back and tell me what they
00:22:35unless you're already
00:22:36you do it
00:22:37no you do it
00:22:39all right
00:22:42you're going to the office
00:22:42yeah I've got to sort out a few things about the shop darling it's going very well by the way
00:22:46I've got gorgeous things coming in from Kashmir Afghanistan Albania I've got blankets and rugs from Ethiopia
00:22:52dirt cheap darling honestly
00:22:54and some of those lip plates from dead Amazonian Indians I thought we could sell them as ashtrays
00:23:01don't look at me like that darling we do take the lip off you know
00:23:05I'm on my way Ian
00:23:06everything's completely under control this end how is it with you
00:23:09lights
00:23:10models
00:23:11guest list
00:23:13just do your best darling
00:23:14I'm rushing
00:23:15bye
00:23:17darling it's me I'm coming into the office now
00:23:19I'm coming through the door
00:23:22now bubble
00:23:23I want a list of every PR company every record company in the country
00:23:27I want a copy of who's who and the latest edition of hello magazine
00:23:30let's get celebrated up
00:23:31come on
00:23:34no they hate me
00:23:36love love love
00:23:39I hate them now
00:23:41I hate them
00:23:45everybody is there everybody
00:23:46big names you know
00:23:48Chanel
00:23:48Dior
00:23:49Lagerfeld
00:23:50Givenchy
00:23:50Gaultier
00:23:51darling
00:23:51names names names
00:23:53Every rich bit from New York is in there. Hochwenden, Ruchenstein, Vanderbilt, Rothschild, Hucken, Hucken, Bergen, Daxman, Otter.
00:24:01A whole row of skeletons with Jackie O'Head.
00:24:04High Harpers, Tatler, English Vogue, American Vogue, French Vogue, Bloody Yabba, Bloody Sinian, Bloody Vogue, darling.
00:24:11Jeff Banks and Selina Scott couldn't even get a ticket, darling.
00:24:15I'm going down in history pads as the woman that put Princess Anne in a Vivienne Westwood Basque.
00:24:22It's a top PR company. There must be money in it, isn't there?
00:24:25Well, there will always be talented, creative people in need of publicity.
00:24:28God, if they were talented and creative, they wouldn't need me.
00:24:30We're talking planet Hollywood. Exactly.
00:24:34Unfortunately, there is not much profit showing at the moment.
00:24:36What about my shop?
00:24:38You're wondering about that in the office.
00:24:40Yes, but a stock seems to go in and then come out, but it's never paid for.
00:24:43Most of it is in our sitting room.
00:24:45Oh, darling, you didn't have to tell him that.
00:24:48I like to think of my home as a showroom. All right.
00:24:51Can you help me? You know, I've got the PRPR person's awards dinner of the month lunch, you know, tomorrow.
00:24:55And can you help me write a speech?
00:24:57No.
00:24:58I don't know why I can't do it.
00:25:00You know, there's a speech in here somewhere. I just must have a block.
00:25:02Will you book me a high colonic, darling?
00:25:04I'll get it out of me by hook or by crook.
00:25:06And then go through my dictaphone and extract anything important.
00:25:11All right, darling?
00:25:11I'm going for a slash.
00:25:14Shall I put it on my pad?
00:25:17Your pad? Where's the computer?
00:25:19Computer?
00:25:20I told you to buy a laptop.
00:25:23A lap...top?
00:25:25Top?
00:25:29Get rid of it.
00:25:31I've grown so fond. And it's so cute. And it's not just for life. It's for Christmas.
00:25:40Just do the dictaphone, darling. The dictaphone. It's very important.
00:25:44Right.
00:25:50Are you all right in there?
00:25:53You've just got to go, darling. I'm calling you on the way back to the office.
00:25:55Take your mobile. Off you go. Off you go. Go. Go. Go.
00:25:58All right?
00:26:00PHONE RINGS
00:26:02Hello?
00:26:02I'm about to speak.
00:26:03Go. Go. Go.
00:26:06Go, darling.
00:26:06What I want you to do is ring up and cancel that meeting.
00:26:09And tell them that nobody likes me. They won't like what I have to say.
00:26:11But I'll just say it anyway. They can do what they want.
00:26:12And I'm sure it'll be great.
00:26:13But if you're...
00:26:14What? Just go.
00:26:16Go. Go on.
00:26:16What?
00:26:17And if they want to speak to you...
00:26:19Oh, we're not getting feedback.
00:26:20Tell them I've got the contact.
00:26:23Oh!
00:26:29Oh, sweetie. What a day.
00:26:31What a day I've had, sweetie. Darling, darling, darling, sweetie.
00:26:35I have been at work since I left here this morning.
00:26:39Want some lunch?
00:26:40No.
00:26:41I'll sit down at the studio.
00:26:44Studio, sweetie. Studio.
00:26:47Studio, darling.
00:26:49Action. Lights. Camera.
00:26:51What have you been doing?
00:26:52Pop Specs ad.
00:26:53What?
00:26:53Well, you know I represent Pop Specs, darling.
00:26:55We're doing a new ad. We're up-marketing the image.
00:26:57What are Pop Specs?
00:26:59What are Pop Specs?
00:27:02We're all dead. I'm dead. These are them. These are them.
00:27:05Not dying. These are Pop Specs.
00:27:06Look.
00:27:09See that one?
00:27:12See that one?
00:27:14Schizophrenia.
00:27:16They're fantastic.
00:27:18How can you up-market those?
00:27:20Well, Pats is agreed to put them on a fashion shoot at her magazine.
00:27:22And there's a new ad, darling. New ad, sweetie.
00:27:24Which is mainly my idea. My original idea.
00:27:26It's very clever.
00:27:27God.
00:27:27I've got a bloody work. Otherwise, you know, my company's going to be left with one minor department store,
00:27:32two student designers, smunchy bars, and Lulu paying for your upkeep, darling.
00:27:37And Lulu's like that, sweetie.
00:27:44That was delicious, thanks.
00:27:45Oh, now she talks. Now she talks.
00:27:48I was going to say, actually, that I really enjoyed your last single.
00:27:50Yeah.
00:27:51Independence.
00:27:52Independence.
00:27:53I've had two since then.
00:27:55Have you?
00:27:56I don't know about that.
00:27:57It's ridiculous. I thought you'd just gone quiet.
00:28:00Do you know what you need?
00:28:01You need a really good publicity machine.
00:28:03Mm-hmm.
00:28:04Who does your PR?
00:28:05You do.
00:28:09See, that is the thing about fashion.
00:28:10It is kind of here today, gone tomorrow.
00:28:12Look at this. Look at this.
00:28:15Do you know, that's not so much a label as an admission of guilt.
00:28:19It's horrible stuff.
00:28:20I mean, some people think I have a very brave dress sense,
00:28:23but that I'm in a position where designer clothes just throw themselves at me for publicity purposes.
00:28:28This is, um, La Croix.
00:28:29You see. Go down.
00:28:33Don't linger.
00:28:35Somehow, you know, I could just make that work.
00:28:37I'm a, I'm a natural horse.
00:28:40Um, not horse, not horse.
00:28:42A natural something.
00:28:43Horse.
00:28:44What's it?
00:28:44Cart horse, dear?
00:28:46Not cart horse.
00:28:48She doesn't have to be here, does she?
00:28:50You can go away.
00:28:51I'd stop taking.
00:28:52Yeah, well, you're the only one who will.
00:28:53Most of the stuff is rusted to the hanger, you know.
00:28:56I know.
00:28:57I've lost my thread cut there.
00:28:59Oh, but I had a thought.
00:29:00No.
00:29:01Um, producer.
00:29:02I had a thought.
00:29:03It's not just for this.
00:29:04It's for a new television programme for me.
00:29:05It's called Changing Clothes.
00:29:07It's perfect.
00:29:08Look.
00:29:08What I do is I take clothes to some, like, sad places like this.
00:29:12Sad people's clothes.
00:29:13You think it'll never work.
00:29:14And I put them on and they'll work.
00:29:16I'll do it now.
00:29:17I'll show you.
00:29:19I'll show you.
00:29:19I'm going to put these on now.
00:29:20You don't have to follow me.
00:29:23I'm going to put these on and you'll be amazed.
00:29:26You'll be startled.
00:29:33No, no.
00:29:34This isn't working.
00:29:35I think this is too suburban.
00:29:36Can I have my own clothes back?
00:29:40Where did she go?
00:29:42Where did she go?
00:29:43Where is she?
00:29:44Where is she?
00:29:45Where is she?
00:29:45Where is she?
00:29:45There she is.
00:29:45Stop!
00:29:46You have no idea of the worth of what you're wearing.
00:29:48Come here!
00:29:50Come here!
00:29:51Come here!
00:29:53Come here!
00:29:54Come here!
00:29:58Get in there!
00:29:59Get in there!
00:30:00Get in there!
00:30:02She thinks she's paid for these.
00:30:05Saffy, darling, I'm off.
00:30:06But I won't see you later because you don't love me enough, darling.
00:30:14La Croix, sweetie.
00:30:16It's all right, isn't it?
00:30:17It's a bit tight, maybe.
00:30:18It's all right, isn't it?
00:30:20You know, people will think,
00:30:21wow, it's a La Croix.
00:30:22Okay?
00:30:23I just can't find anything to go with it, that's all.
00:30:25Maybe I could throw up on something for you.
00:30:27I'll wear this for you.
00:30:28Oh, I see someone already has.
00:30:30Genial!
00:30:31What if La Croix does kitchens?
00:30:32Look, darling.
00:30:34Look at this place.
00:30:35Look, look, this is an emergency, darling.
00:30:37Look at this, look.
00:30:38La Croix.
00:30:39Baby spew.
00:30:40La Croix.
00:30:41Baby spew, darling.
00:30:42It is an emergency.
00:30:46Mum, come on, please.
00:30:47There's a fire in the kitchen.
00:30:48I'm trying to put something on, sweetie.
00:30:51We're going to die if we don't get out now.
00:30:52It doesn't matter what you wear.
00:30:53Come on!
00:30:54Oh, God, I just hate all my clothes.
00:30:55Why have I never got anything to wear, sweetie?
00:30:57What, what, what should I put on?
00:30:59I'm just saying...
00:31:01Why won't my cells stop dividing and multiplying?
00:31:04What?
00:31:04There is a fire downstairs.
00:31:06Oh, God.
00:31:06Come on, ladies.
00:31:07We have to evacuate the building.
00:31:08We must leave now.
00:31:09Oh, that's very easy for you to say.
00:31:10You've got a bloody uniform inside!
00:31:12What's she doing?
00:31:17What's going on?
00:31:21Oh!
00:31:26Oh, dear.
00:31:28Oh, dear.
00:31:29Oh, dear.
00:31:33Yes.
00:31:33Yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:31:35Yes.
00:31:39I'll be all right with a bit of joy.
00:31:43Darling, has anyone called?
00:31:44No.
00:31:45What are you wearing?
00:31:47Oh, is it awful, darling?
00:31:48Since I've seen Jean-Pierre for lunch, I thought it was sort of him.
00:31:50Oh, it is him, darling, but it's not you.
00:31:53Sir?
00:31:54Well, I like it.
00:31:55I'll change.
00:31:57It's so sordid, isn't it, darling, to sort of have to get dressed in this room, you know,
00:32:01sleep dress, sleep dress, and it's so kind of sevenies, isn't it,
00:32:04to sort of have clothes draped all over the place?
00:32:06Look at them here, all just hanging limp in this flimsy wardrobe, darling.
00:32:11No.
00:32:12All just waiting to be worn, darling, all cramped in there and uncared for.
00:32:17Darling, battery clothes, sweetie.
00:32:22I wake at night sometimes, darling, just thinking about those clothes standing there.
00:32:26They're hassling me, darling.
00:32:27Why don't you put me on?
00:32:29Wear me, wear me.
00:32:31I mean, year in and year out, darling.
00:32:33Thinking about, there are some clothes that are so far back,
00:32:37they may never see the light of day again.
00:32:41All just hanging there like, like old skins.
00:32:45Shed and shedded.
00:32:48I am forced to sleep with these corpses.
00:32:53But no, absolutely not.
00:32:56Speak to me.
00:32:57Speak to me.
00:32:58Where are you?
00:32:59Where are you?
00:33:02Oh, no.
00:33:04Oh, no.
00:33:06Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:33:08Oh, no, no, no.
00:33:08Yes.
00:33:09Yes.
00:33:10No, I hear you.
00:33:11I hear you.
00:33:11Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:33:14Yes.
00:33:14Oh, thank God.
00:33:16Oh, next generation's silver tracksuit.
00:33:19That's it.
00:33:20I said, don't flick it up the nose.
00:33:22God, that one had dandruff, you know.
00:33:24Some of it had legs.
00:33:26You should be really more careful where you put things down, dear.
00:33:29Now, I'm going to have to lock up in a minute.
00:33:31No, you are not.
00:33:32No, you are not.
00:33:32You're doing your piece to camera.
00:33:34Go on.
00:33:34You've got to talk.
00:33:35Go on, talk, talk, talk.
00:33:36Well, I can't really believe that anyone would be interested.
00:33:40Well, not in you, but in me.
00:33:41That's what I meant.
00:33:43Of course people are interested.
00:33:45Of course people are interested.
00:33:47I mean, they're going to make a movie about my life, you know.
00:33:49Widescreen, dear.
00:33:50Marisa Berenson is going to play me.
00:33:55Helena Bonham Hunt is going to play Saffron.
00:33:58And a young DiCaprio for my son.
00:34:01And what about me?
00:34:03Well, I'm not sure the actress who's playing you is still alive.
00:34:06Oh.
00:34:07When you were three years old,
00:34:09we tied you to the central reservation of a motorway.
00:34:14Shut up!
00:34:18That sort of passes funny little jokes, darling.
00:34:23I knew you were like a homing pigeon.
00:34:24You were back within the week, sweetie, isn't it?
00:34:27What was my birth like?
00:34:29Your birth.
00:34:31Shut up, shut up.
00:34:33It was beautiful, darling.
00:34:36It was gorgeous.
00:34:37It was lovely.
00:34:38I knew it was the best moment of my life, darling.
00:34:41It was like...
00:34:42What's that...
00:34:43What's that lovely film, darling?
00:34:44Bambi.
00:34:46It was like Bambi.
00:34:47It was a lovely Forest Glade, darling.
00:34:48We were like those little...
00:34:50dogs, were they?
00:34:51What were they?
00:34:52Deer.
00:34:53Deer.
00:34:53We were like those little deer, darling.
00:34:55It was lovely.
00:34:56It was so beautiful, sweetie.
00:34:58Oh.
00:35:07But...
00:35:08Oh.
00:35:09Fucking dog.
00:35:10Oh.
00:35:11Oh.
00:35:13Yes.
00:35:13You're so brave.
00:35:14I know.
00:35:15I want this baby to be born on a carpet of roses.
00:35:18Roses.
00:35:19Roses.
00:35:20Roses.
00:35:21Roses.
00:35:21Roses.
00:35:37Roses.
00:35:38Darling, I want a walk-in wardrobe.
00:35:42There is Serge's room.
00:35:44He's not here.
00:35:45Yeah, well, what if he came back, you know?
00:35:47I thought he did come back.
00:35:48No, that wasn't him.
00:35:50But that wasn't him, darling.
00:35:52Well, then who was it?
00:35:54Well, you know those door-to-door unemployed, they said, right?
00:35:57Oh, yeah.
00:35:58Fantastic.
00:36:02Oh, gosh.
00:36:03A bit rank in it.
00:36:05It's always smelled like this.
00:36:06This is not a boys' room.
00:36:07It's quite a sexy smell, I always thought, Ed.
00:36:09The smell of a ripening tuck box.
00:36:11Yeah.
00:36:12Oh, look at this.
00:36:13My son's room.
00:36:14My son's room.
00:36:16My son.
00:36:17My lovely, lovely son.
00:36:18It's funny, isn't it?
00:36:19That mother-son thing.
00:36:21It's not like you and me, darling.
00:36:22It's a mother-son thing.
00:36:24You know, the mother and the son, the cord is never really cut, darling.
00:36:27He's not coming back, you know, Mum.
00:36:29It's maybe stretched to the limit at the moment, darling.
00:36:31But at any moment, and when he least expects it,
00:36:33it will catapult him back across the edge.
00:36:36Unbelilical whiplash.
00:36:40Oh, just son, my son, my lovely, lovely son.
00:36:45You're so beautiful, Mum.
00:36:50All the boys at school can't believe you're my mother.
00:36:57One day, when I'm older, I'd like to take you out to dinner.
00:37:00The son who runs in?
00:37:00Yes.
00:37:05Just you.
00:37:07And I, Mother.
00:37:09I'll pay.
00:37:15Well, who's that?
00:37:16That's him.
00:37:18I thought that was Jimmy Osmond.
00:37:23Deserted by son and daughter.
00:37:25Where is Serge?
00:37:28Where is Serge?
00:37:29I'm tolling with his university.
00:37:30I don't want to talk about it.
00:37:32I mean, I sometimes wonder what the point of having children is
00:37:35if they're not going to turn up to your launches.
00:37:37Could you tell them how important it was for you, darling?
00:37:40May I tell him?
00:37:41I faxed the bloody dean,
00:37:42the bollocky halls of residence,
00:37:44and the buggery mountain rescue.
00:37:45I mean, what more can I do?
00:37:47Nothing.
00:37:47I shouldn't have to.
00:37:49I mean, look at you.
00:37:50You've been a fantastic mother.
00:37:52You've let them ruin your figure.
00:37:54Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition.
00:37:56You've got tits down to your knees
00:37:57and what for, for God's sake?
00:37:58You've got a pothole
00:37:59who's worn nothing but a purple mountain of tracksuit
00:38:01and a Gazza t-shirt for the past two years.
00:38:03Cut the cord, darling.
00:38:05Left here if we're going to Harvey next.
00:38:06Left.
00:38:10How long has she been around for?
00:38:11She's been around forever.
00:38:14Sixteen, she has passed.
00:38:15Sixteen years you've had her.
00:38:17Sixteen years?
00:38:18Get rid of her.
00:38:19Oh, God.
00:38:20I've got fabulous kids to adorn.
00:38:28Oh, yes, this bloody birthday that I'm having.
00:38:31Huh?
00:38:31Well, not much of a bloody birthday so far, is it?
00:38:34God, you think being 40 you can expect a bit more?
00:38:37Huh?
00:38:38An old pair of earrings,
00:38:39some miserable old family and friends coming around,
00:38:41and my son, my one pride and joy,
00:38:43wasn't even bloody invited.
00:38:44And we're all going to be forced to eat your cooked food
00:38:46and clear up our own bloody plate.
00:38:51Oh, my God.
00:38:55Did you hit me with it, darling?
00:38:57No.
00:38:59It's illegal, isn't it?
00:39:05I'll let this eat your parents' ate.
00:39:09Ow, sweetie, ow!
00:39:10Get out of the way!
00:39:11Ow, ow, ow!
00:39:11I'm going to come and die again unless you can behave.
00:39:13I'm fed up of it, Mum!
00:39:27Look, I'm sorry.
00:39:32I know I pretend to hate you and you pretend to hate me.
00:39:35I do hate you.
00:39:37Why?
00:39:37Because you're a despicable person who's resented me since the day I was born.
00:39:41Before.
00:39:42So why should I ever do a favour for you?
00:39:45I'll pay you.
00:39:46No.
00:39:46I'm your mother's best friend.
00:39:48Best friend?
00:39:49What kind of friend are you?
00:39:50What kind of daughter are you?
00:39:51At least she has fun with me.
00:39:52I care about her.
00:39:53Care about her?
00:39:54You may dress like a Christian, but the similarity ends there.
00:39:57I think you do it on purpose.
00:39:59How long does it take you to get the crease so crisp down the front of your jeans, you torturer?
00:40:03Get out!
00:40:07For you.
00:40:10I am talking to my mother!
00:40:12Just say no, Eddie.
00:40:13Just tell her no, Ed.
00:40:14Steve!
00:40:15Well, I don't understand.
00:40:16Can't you go to Morocco?
00:40:17No!
00:40:17Well, why not?
00:40:18Let her go to Morocco.
00:40:18We're going to Marrakesh.
00:40:20This is Morocco.
00:40:23This little scanty girl is trying to slime her way onto a trip and we don't want her.
00:40:27But Mum!
00:40:27Don't you bat Mum her!
00:40:30You don't want to get her!
00:40:32I want to get her!
00:40:33I want to get her!
00:40:41Just do whatever you want.
00:40:43Eddie!
00:40:43Oh.
00:40:45But as your mother, I cannot be held responsible for your well-being, all right?
00:40:51Come with us, you're on your own.
00:40:54I hope you didn't think I was some sort of dirty old man.
00:40:59Oh, good.
00:41:00Because that would never do.
00:41:01Hmm, I say, you're like your mother.
00:41:04Hmm.
00:41:05Of Bordeaux.
00:41:07Uh, ha, tabacki, uh, machna, ha, ha.
00:41:10Thank you, Yentorp.
00:41:12Now, would you like to try a little local speciality?
00:41:17Oh, yes, I'd love to.
00:41:18Well, you take a pot of scented honey mixed with goat cheese yoghurt, sprinkled with almonds
00:41:23from the Atlas Mountains, spread it all over your naked, new-buy, young body, and allow
00:41:29a man old enough to be your father to lick it off.
00:41:34Just like her mother.
00:41:36Tease, tease, tease.
00:41:38Mum, I think I'm going to be sick.
00:41:40Help me.
00:41:45I know, but I somehow, I just, I just don't think you should have sold Saffy like that.
00:41:51I mean like that.
00:41:52It wasn't just like that.
00:41:53I had to haggle them up.
00:41:54I got a good exchange rate.
00:41:55What did you get?
00:41:56Well, one sour-faced little ditch rat for 2,000 dirham.
00:42:00And darling, she said she wanted to see how the real people lived.
00:42:03I think the white slave trade was quite what she had in mind.
00:42:09I mean, it's not as if she enjoyed a normal life anyway, is it really?
00:42:12Oh, I mean, it might bring something out in her.
00:42:13She might just live in painful servitude for the rest of her life.
00:42:17Well, I mean, nothing is certain.
00:42:19Not for anyone.
00:42:21Cheers, eh?
00:42:22Cheers.
00:42:34Mum!
00:42:51Oh, darling, please.
00:42:52Where did you go?
00:42:54Haven't you, darling?
00:42:55Hats.
00:42:56Yeah, fantastic.
00:42:59Well, I'm going to have some breakfast and then I'm going to sit by the pool or something.
00:43:04We've got to go.
00:43:05It's Friday.
00:43:06Friday?
00:43:07You've been unconscious for three days.
00:43:10Wow!
00:43:14What's the smell?
00:43:15What's the smell?
00:43:17Is that you, sweetie?
00:43:18That sort of honey, yogurty smell?
00:43:20Is that you?
00:43:21Come on!
00:43:27What's the smell?
00:43:30What's the smell?
00:43:33What is that?
00:43:35What is that?
00:43:35I mean, do you know, somehow, if this was Harvey Nichols, that would be art.
00:43:39But look, she's always done everything like this, even when I was growing up, even food, you
00:43:44know, would always just be, you know, scramble their battery bell, chicken, lettuce, cuddly
00:43:50toy battery bell.
00:43:52She never understood.
00:43:53She never had any taste, any style.
00:43:55Some things just don't work.
00:43:56Some things just don't go together.
00:43:58Like you and husbands, dear.
00:44:00Like me.
00:44:01There we are.
00:44:03Well, that's fine.
00:44:04Yeah, no, she'll bring that up.
00:44:05I mean, because I'm very proud of that.
00:44:07Because a statistic is that great people all marry more than once.
00:44:14That's a fact.
00:44:15Great people don't just stagnate.
00:44:17Great people.
00:44:18Use my little aids.
00:44:20You don't know what you're talking about.
00:44:22Oh, yes, I do, dear.
00:44:23We've got some under the counter.
00:44:28Shh, un-clapper.
00:44:29Un-clapper.
00:44:30Where?
00:44:31Where?
00:44:32Here we are.
00:44:33There.
00:44:35Honestly.
00:44:36It's for your neck.
00:44:38Not according to Marian Hunter.
00:44:40I hope you've washed it.
00:44:41What?
00:44:42Let's have a go.
00:44:43Here.
00:44:47Nothing.
00:44:48Oh, no.
00:44:49Marian Hunter's right.
00:44:52Not much of an expert on snogging, darling.
00:44:54Had two husbands.
00:44:55One was too short.
00:44:56One was gay.
00:44:57So, sweetie, if you want to know how to pick a dwarf on the cheek as he's walking out of
00:45:00the house
00:45:00to a disco wearing your dress, then I'm your girl.
00:45:05Oh, that'll be Dad and Oliver.
00:45:06Oh, God.
00:45:07Oh.
00:45:10Hello?
00:45:12Oh, Mum, it's Marshall.
00:45:13Oh, my.
00:45:13God, never rains, but it pours.
00:45:15Ex-husband, flash flood.
00:45:16Hello?
00:45:18Where is my son?
00:45:19I told him he should go to you for New Year, but you know what he's like.
00:45:23He went straight out and applied for a position in Sarajevo.
00:45:26God, how are you?
00:45:27I'm having a great time.
00:45:29Oh, he's unemployed again.
00:45:31Oh, no, no, no.
00:45:31I'm with someone else.
00:45:33Describe her to me, Marshall.
00:45:34Well, why don't I let her describe herself?
00:45:37Here you are, gorgeous.
00:45:39Hello.
00:45:41Hi.
00:45:41My name is Cherish with a Y.
00:45:46Well, I work out in West Hollywood with Lorenzo.
00:45:50I'm 117 pounds on a good day.
00:45:53Character-wise, I'm kind of borderline shy wild.
00:45:56I like to surf and turf in that order.
00:45:59Oh, that's enough, now.
00:46:00Oh, by the way, I do greetings cards and messages for all occasions.
00:46:05Births, deaths, reincarnations, coming of spirits.
00:46:10Well, that's about it, really.
00:46:11So, nice to speak with you.
00:46:13Ta-ta.
00:46:15Chim-chim-a-nee, little chap.
00:46:18Give me a little thing, now, baby.
00:46:20So, how come when she put the phone to her ear, all I could hear was the ocean?
00:46:24Huh?
00:46:26I am speaking on the telephone.
00:46:28Oh, excuse us.
00:46:30Yeah, all right.
00:46:30Happy New Year.
00:46:31Yeah, I'll see you.
00:46:32You have a really good sense of humour.
00:46:35And you have really great tits.
00:46:40Excuse me, excuse me.
00:46:41Coming through, coming through.
00:46:43How come all my ex-husbands end up with bimbos, hmm?
00:46:46Oh, God.
00:46:50I had the two biggest shits in the world, didn't I, hmm?
00:46:55Do you know, I don't know why it went wrong with Justin.
00:47:00I mean, you know, because we just adored each other, you know.
00:47:03He's gay.
00:47:05Oh, Patsy, that wasn't the reason, was it?
00:47:08You're not eating, Patsy?
00:47:09No, liquid lunch for me, Mr. Bell.
00:47:11No wonder you're still thin as a rake.
00:47:14Men like something to get hold of, you know.
00:47:17Isn't that right, Oliver?
00:47:28You know, you have a terrific figure.
00:47:31Oh, you have a terrific figure.
00:47:33She is.
00:47:34Isn't she the cutest thing?
00:47:35What a sweet thing to say.
00:47:36Mum?
00:47:37Why don't you be nice, darling?
00:47:38Where do you find a marshal floating around L.A. with the rest of the airheads, hmm?
00:47:42And you've been through a few in the past 15 years, haven't you?
00:47:45Mum, don't you promise.
00:47:46Well, darling, we've got to do something to take our minds off a vegetable bloody mousse, haven't we?
00:47:49Heimlich maneuver! Heimlich maneuver!
00:47:51Clear! I'm trained in this!
00:47:57Darling, I thought I was mad.
00:47:59No, you are mad.
00:48:01What should I do when I've cleared the plate?
00:48:02Just sit down.
00:48:03Oh, no, I want to work.
00:48:04I want to work on my birthday.
00:48:06There's something I could cut up around here, huh?
00:48:08So, you're in antiques as well?
00:48:10Yes, sir.
00:48:11Justin and I have a shop.
00:48:13A shop, that's what you're calling it.
00:48:14A few miserable bits of furniture.
00:48:15You have to ring a bell before they'll let you in.
00:48:17Unwelcoming, Vincent Price could take lessons.
00:48:20I've always wanted to know how they make furniture look so old.
00:48:22Oh, that's easy.
00:48:23Just let it live with Adina for a couple of years.
00:48:25Usually, that's the trick.
00:48:28You know, I love old things.
00:48:34I really do.
00:48:34They made me feel so centered and warm.
00:48:37It must be so satisfying handling antiques.
00:48:40Oh, Justin should know.
00:48:41You lived with one once.
00:48:42Right, right.
00:48:43That is it.
00:48:44That is it.
00:48:45Oh, yeah.
00:48:45Secondhand goods.
00:48:46Can't keep your hands off secondhand goods, can you?
00:48:50Touche, jeez.
00:48:52You know, I am sensing a lot of aggression.
00:48:55Are you just going to sit here and let me take this?
00:48:57Just leave it to me.
00:48:59Gee whiz, you are a bad woman.
00:49:01I think he is.
00:49:02I think we should leave.
00:49:03I see no point in celebrating the fact that she's lived so bloody long.
00:49:06Oliver, sit down.
00:49:07Oliver, sit down.
00:49:08Are you coming, Justin?
00:49:09No?
00:49:10Please.
00:49:10Well, if you do decide to look for me, I'll be at the YMCA.
00:49:12Oh, you're not coming, Justin.
00:49:13You're not going.
00:49:14Huh?
00:49:15No.
00:49:15I'm here for staffing.
00:49:16Oh, you're here for staffing.
00:49:17I hope you're happy.
00:49:18Yes.
00:49:19We'll bring up, darling.
00:49:20One down.
00:49:24I just want to say thank you to whatever being or entity brought us together on this special day.
00:49:30Yes, that's enough now.
00:49:30Well, we know why we're here.
00:49:32Okay.
00:49:32Duty.
00:49:33I'm here for my daughter.
00:49:34Well, it's got to be more than that.
00:49:36I mean, both you and Marshall married her.
00:49:38Obviously, it was an error on Marshall's part.
00:49:40He was weak.
00:49:41He was stoned.
00:49:44The worst trip of my life.
00:49:47Why, you ever married her, Justin, I'll never know.
00:49:49Well, she was, I mean, I had, well, seemed like a good idea at the time.
00:49:54Anyway, she was going through a bad patch.
00:49:57At least you got away without being sucked and dry.
00:49:58I'm paying child support for a child I'm supporting.
00:50:01And I'm paying for this house.
00:50:02What do you think of that?
00:50:03I'm paying for this house.
00:50:05How much?
00:50:06Let me handle this, Bo.
00:50:07We'll get to the point.
00:50:08How much?
00:50:08She said she got nothing from you.
00:50:10Nothing?
00:50:11Nothing?
00:50:12Marshall pays plenty.
00:50:14Bo, I'm handling this.
00:50:15I pay plenty.
00:50:16God damn it.
00:50:18What is it?
00:50:19I've just got to talk to your mother.
00:50:21This is it.
00:50:22See, honey?
00:50:23It's not over.
00:50:24I mean, how much money could she possibly need?
00:50:25She's got a tiny little daughter who hardly eats anything.
00:50:29Oh, Eddie, I thought a little mosey down Bond Street, a little sniff around Gucci, sidle
00:50:34up to Ralph Lauren, pass through brands, and then on to Quags for a light lunch.
00:50:37Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
00:50:38Tell her.
00:50:40Mum.
00:50:40I've just got to pop in for a bit.
00:50:41Mum.
00:50:43I've got to meet my accountant this morning.
00:50:44We won't take long, will it, sweetie?
00:50:45Why?
00:50:46Well, because her bastard father and Marshall are trying to cut off my alimony payments.
00:50:50That's why.
00:50:51She's been bleeding them dry for years.
00:50:52Whose side are you on?
00:50:53Do you want us to be poor?
00:50:55You'll be poor?
00:50:56That's not you worried.
00:50:58Eddie, we simply cannot allow them to cut us off like this.
00:51:01Now, listen, sweetie.
00:51:01It is not alimony.
00:51:02It is compensation.
00:51:04Yes.
00:51:04Yes.
00:51:05For what?
00:51:06No.
00:51:08Yes, darling.
00:51:10It's damages, sweetie.
00:51:12For those long, crippling hours of painful labour I went through on your behalf.
00:51:15You had a caesarean.
00:51:18She's like, no, I had a caesarean, darling, but how do you think it feels for me to wake up
00:51:22every morning and look down and see her stomach still smiling back up at her?
00:51:26Well, if that's it, then I'm off.
00:51:28No, no.
00:51:30No, sit.
00:51:31Sit.
00:51:31Come on, I'm going to get my money's worth.
00:51:33If you can't say anything nice about me, say something about Patsy or someone.
00:51:36Patsy?
00:51:37All right, go.
00:51:37Oh, well, poor sad old Patsy.
00:51:41Edwina always followed her like a sheep.
00:51:44Meh, meh, meh, meh.
00:51:46Oh, all right, all right, she's gone.
00:51:48All right, now go.
00:51:48I told you I needed to look up.
00:51:49Go, go.
00:51:50Right, I've gone.
00:51:52That's too good.
00:51:54Darling.
00:51:54Darling, I'm being a little bit low.
00:51:57Darling, John, have you got any snow?
00:51:58Any, you know, blow?
00:52:00Darling.
00:52:01We'll be back in a minute.
00:52:03I'll be perky-er.
00:52:10Well, that's it, then.
00:52:11Now, come along, everybody.
00:52:12We have to be out of here now.
00:52:13Follow me.
00:52:14That's it.
00:52:16Come back.
00:52:32Hello?
00:52:32Come on.
00:52:33I'm ready.
00:52:34Come on, we're going to do the stuff.
00:52:37Hello?
00:52:38Hello?
00:52:39Where's the phone gone?
00:52:40Hello?
00:52:42Hello?
00:52:45Who's gone in there?
00:52:46Hello?
00:52:46Hello?
00:52:49Where is everybody?
00:52:51I never knew my father.
00:52:53My mother only knew him fairly briefly.
00:52:57She had me when she was in her 40s.
00:52:59I nursed her through her last years.
00:53:01It sort of put a bit of a stopper on me finding someone for myself and settling down.
00:53:04But there you are.
00:53:05Anyway, it wasn't her fault.
00:53:07She didn't want a child.
00:53:08She'd have got rid of me, but she mistook being pregnant for the menopause.
00:53:12When she found out it was too late.
00:53:15Patsy, that's awful.
00:53:17It was having Eddie and your grandmother that made it okay.
00:53:20You know, it gave me somewhere to go.
00:53:22My mother didn't like me having her around the house.
00:53:24She said I cramped her style.
00:53:26Made her feel old.
00:53:28I've been ploughed.
00:53:29Let the swamp blood flow.
00:53:32Yes!
00:53:33Come now into the world!
00:53:37You tiny mediocrity.
00:53:40Pretty, pretty void, pallid horror.
00:53:44Oh!
00:53:47Oh!
00:53:49Oh!
00:53:50Oh!
00:53:50Oh!
00:53:51Come!
00:53:51Come, rip it from me!
00:53:53Let me be free!
00:53:54Oh!
00:53:55Cut the cords!
00:53:56Cut the cords!
00:53:56Cut the cords!
00:53:57You can carry my energy!
00:54:00Let it trail no longer, my ball and shame!
00:54:08What kind is it, huh?
00:54:11What's it?
00:54:11Is it doing phi?
00:54:14Phi!
00:54:18I named the child.
00:54:20Eurydice, Colette, Clytemnestra, Dido, Bathsheba, Rabelais, Patricia, Cocteau, Stum.
00:54:33Now, take it away!
00:54:36Bring me another lover.
00:54:39You!
00:54:45A sister!
00:54:47A sister!
00:54:48A sister!
00:54:49A sister!
00:54:49A sister!
00:54:49I didn't know that, Ty.
00:54:50I didn't know that, Ty.
00:54:51Oh, yes!
00:54:53There's more.
00:54:54She has a name.
00:54:56Huh?
00:54:58Her name is...
00:55:07Jacket!
00:55:08Oh, my God!
00:55:10How did you know that?
00:55:11I never told you that.
00:55:12A sister?
00:55:13Now, that I would like to see.
00:55:14How many of there are you?
00:55:16Brothers and sisters, I mean.
00:55:17Nobody knows.
00:55:18Our mother gave birth like a giant sprinkler, scattering bastard babies to the poor cars.
00:55:24Oh, nicely put.
00:55:26Do you, uh, did you have the same father?
00:55:29No one knows.
00:55:30Mother was such a slut.
00:55:31They could have been any of the men in any of the bars in France.
00:55:35You know, she was always the entertainment.
00:55:37Before slot machines.
00:55:38She was the slot machine.
00:55:42So, uh, so, uh, who's the older, I mean, I mean the big, bigger sister?
00:55:51I, uh...
00:55:53So, Ali, you both look so great.
00:55:58How old are you?
00:56:03I'm 31.
00:56:06Eddie?
00:56:07Oh, cats, darling, how does it go?
00:56:08Do these work?
00:56:10For how old, sweetie?
00:56:11Oh, 35.
00:56:13You might need a few more for 35, I think.
00:56:15Well, how much more?
00:56:17A bungee jump with the elastic tied to the back of your head.
00:56:19She'll get a...
00:56:21Can I come in?
00:56:23Don't try anything.
00:56:25Don't close the door.
00:56:27Look, um, this is quite serious.
00:56:28Um, I want you to look at something for me.
00:56:30I mean, I'd...
00:56:31I'd ask Eddie, but she's very busy, and, uh, I thought, you know, you might understand it.
00:56:35You know, doing science and all that.
00:56:37Um, it's confidential, right?
00:56:39Um, what is it?
00:56:41I just want you to tell me what it means, and how bad it is.
00:56:46Oh, well, it's from your health authority.
00:56:48And, um, what does it mean?
00:56:51Well, they need you to go for a smear test and a breast check.
00:56:55They say they have no record of you ever having either, and that's quite dangerous in a woman of...
00:57:02...your sort of age.
00:57:04And what do they think I've got?
00:57:06Well, they test for cancer.
00:57:07Where?
00:57:08Oh, look, I don't want to be here asking you this!
00:57:13It's...
00:57:13...your cervix.
00:57:18The entrance to your womb.
00:57:23Look.
00:57:26Oh, right, right.
00:57:29Yeah, right, right.
00:57:30Okay.
00:57:32Yeah, right, right.
00:57:35Yeah.
00:57:36Where's the other leg?
00:57:40It's a cross-section.
00:57:42I mean, look, it's nothing to worry about.
00:57:44Oh, right.
00:57:44Look, I'll fill in this form for you, and then all you have to do is post it.
00:57:47Right.
00:57:47And, um, and the breast thing?
00:57:51Well, do you ever check your breasts yourself?
00:57:53No, but you can't miss them.
00:57:56Never had any complaints.
00:58:02Do you feel anything?
00:58:05What's that?
00:58:07Oh, it's not...
00:58:10What do you say?
00:58:14Look, I...
00:58:19Well, I don't think there's any rain on the way.
00:58:39What's that?
00:58:42Oh, no, no, I know what that is.
00:58:44It's all right.
00:58:46Look, I think you're okay, but I think you should see a doctor anyway.
00:58:49Right.
00:58:50And, um, the other thing, the, uh, smear, is that a doctor thing, or...?
00:58:54Or, or, or...
00:58:59Let me see, the red light's on.
00:59:01Okay, hello, hello, hello.
00:59:03Um, I'm just, um, doing this, making this, just in case anyone finds this, and when they find me, when
00:59:09they find my body.
00:59:10Because I have to say what's happened, I've been left here, in this old people's clothes cemetery, by my mother,
00:59:18on purpose.
00:59:20And there's, um, I don't know if you can see it, there's no food, there's, there's, there's nothing, there's no,
00:59:25there's no water.
00:59:26I mean, there's, um, there's a toilet through there, and that's got just tap water.
00:59:32It's just got lavatory, old people's lavatory water is what I'd be, I'd be forced to drink.
00:59:37Now, I know that it's possible to go to that food for hours, but not water, and so, um, it's
00:59:43a statistic, actually, I've read it in a colour supplement, um, that your body is over 100% water.
00:59:50And in LA, I know this, too, um, you shouldn't go more than three seconds without sipping some bottled water.
00:59:57I haven't got any bottled water.
01:00:01I don't want to die.
01:00:07OK, I'm going to switch it off now, well, first I'm going to, too, I'm going to go and bang
01:00:10on the windows again.
01:00:12It's like, um, the day of the living dead out there.
01:00:17I don't want to die! I don't want to die!
01:00:20We all die.
01:00:21Yeah, but I don't want to, darling!
01:00:23Honestly, when I think how much I've invested in this body, in this life, darling, you know, I've been at
01:00:28the best of everything, I've been pampered by Chamneys, I've been fed by Fortnum's, I've been shaved.
01:00:33You've plucked and moisturised, sweetie, I mean, you know, this carcass ain't broken or I'll sue!
01:00:40Mum, look, if you really want to talk about it, perhaps now would be a good time to tell me
01:00:44what you want when you die and what sort of funeral.
01:00:47Where would you like to be buried?
01:00:52Oh, I'm not dead yet, hang on.
01:00:53I don't want to be buried!
01:00:57I don't want to be buried, darling! Have you ever been to a graveyard? Have you ever read A Tombstone,
01:01:01sweetie?
01:01:01You know, so-and-so fell asleep and was buried on date.
01:01:05Fell asleep, sweetie!
01:01:07No, no, no grave for me, darling. I'm a Buddhist, anyway.
01:01:11I don't want to be laying out on a rock in the middle of the Ganges, darling, and then just
01:01:15pecked by birds.
01:01:17LAUGHTER
01:01:30Well, three hours have been here now.
01:01:34I've managed to get together some little itsy-bitsy things to make a little altar, little shrine to try and
01:01:42help me pass the house, but it's not working because, basically, I can't really see the point in chanting when
01:01:47something's really wrong.
01:01:49I mean, it's like going at the enemy army with wind chimes when what you really need is a howitzer.
01:01:57It's made me very angry. I should be angry after chanting.
01:02:01You're not a Buddhist, darling. You wouldn't understand about that.
01:02:04Mum, you did it for a week, which admittedly for you is a record.
01:02:07It's not a fad, darling. It's not like crystals.
01:02:15LAUGHTER
01:02:21Please, stop it!
01:02:26Sweetie, you wouldn't say that if you knew how much we owed to my chanting, darling.
01:02:32A lot of things in this house would... This house wouldn't be here, darling. I chanted for this gorgeous house.
01:02:37Chanted to be successful and believe in myself.
01:02:44Please, let me make some more money so I can buy saffron and some books and a car.
01:02:47Do-do-do-do-do-do.
01:02:50Please, in Buddhist, obviously, darling, not in English when I do it properly.
01:02:53What is it? Some sort of cosmic cash machine?
01:02:55Oh, God! Oh!
01:02:57I mean, you know, I need to find myself.
01:03:01Because, sweetie, I've been a paradise, but I have never been the me.
01:03:06LAUGHTER
01:03:09I need to kind of, you know, see who's in there.
01:03:12Who me be.
01:03:14For God's sake, Mum.
01:03:16Every year, for as long as I can remember, you've gone in search of yourself.
01:03:19You've done everything from wobble naked round Standing Stoes near Bristol
01:03:22to circus fields in a tent in Clapham Common.
01:03:24LAUGHTER
01:03:26It's all part of a journey.
01:03:27You pulled tickets and got hit in the face with a plank twice a day.
01:03:31Yeah, well, my knees froze. I couldn't duck, you know.
01:03:34There isn't a course that can help you find yourself.
01:03:37There isn't a course in redemption.
01:03:39You'd be better off giving all your money to charity.
01:03:41Oh, well, I already pay for old people to eat cake.
01:03:43LAUGHTER
01:03:45Just start living your life and stop trying to find yourself fascinating.
01:03:49I am fascinating.
01:03:50You cannot become a better person through massage.
01:03:53Oh...
01:03:53You piece of filth!
01:03:56LAUGHTER
01:03:57I mean...
01:03:58Oh, well, I see you feel like that. Do you feel like that, huh?
01:04:01You feel like that? Well, maybe I should just...
01:04:04Yeah.
01:04:05Yeah.
01:04:07Maybe I should just go and, you know, like, live with people who understand me.
01:04:11What? And sell the house?
01:04:15Yeah, I'm like... Yeah, I will. Yeah.
01:04:17Well, good luck, then.
01:04:19I hope you do go away and find yourself and then do us all a favour and get lost!
01:04:22LAUGHTER
01:04:24Hi.
01:04:25I'm Ben.
01:04:27LAUGHTER
01:04:27Throughout the week, I'll be showing you courses of enlightenment
01:04:30through pebble-working, sand play,
01:04:33mask-making
01:04:35and cosmo-drama.
01:04:36LAUGHTER
01:04:37Sorry, I'm late. It's a bit of trouble with the form, you know.
01:04:40The talking stick is not with you.
01:04:44LAUGHTER
01:04:47LAUGHTER
01:04:47No, it's just like I was going to say that they try to charge me the weekly rates, you see.
01:04:50Unless I'm going to be here forever. I thought I should get a discount. That's all.
01:04:54LAUGHTER
01:04:55LAUGHTER
01:04:57LAUGHTER
01:04:59LAUGHTER
01:05:01Shall we light up?
01:05:03LAUGHTER
01:05:09Let us start the OM.
01:05:12OM.
01:05:17And so we begin our quest to find our inner selves,
01:05:21to delve into our inner consciousness.
01:05:25We must look into the inner, inner soul.
01:05:31You must not have a bad feeling for you.
01:05:36LAUGHTER
01:05:37You must eradicate all bad feelings and come together.
01:05:42LAUGHTER
01:05:43Ben...
01:05:43Is now channelling Maria Sanchez.
01:05:48LAUGHTER
01:05:49A Puerto Rican, Aztec slave girl.
01:05:53LAUGHTER
01:05:55We are on a path together.
01:06:00And we must dream together.
01:06:03LAUGHTER
01:06:04OK, if, um...
01:06:06LAUGHTER
01:06:07If you take the women over one side and the men come with me and we'll bond, OK?
01:06:13LAUGHTER
01:06:15You see, darling, I mean, I've spent a fortune in my life trying to get in touch with my sexual
01:06:19being.
01:06:20LAUGHTER
01:06:20I mean, do you remember I spent that week, darling, celebrating my private parts? Do you remember that?
01:06:24LAUGHTER
01:06:26I mean, I've workshopped them, painted them, drawn them, written poetry to them.
01:06:31LAUGHTER
01:06:32Treated them to a three-course meal at the restaurant of their choice.
01:06:35LAUGHTER
01:06:36Yeah, we are still as strangers.
01:06:39LAUGHTER
01:06:39Still, I'm not entirely unhappy about that.
01:06:41I mean, you know, I'm just not the sort of woman who wants to spend a free afternoon squatted over
01:06:44a small hand mirror, you know?
01:06:46LAUGHTER
01:06:47For God's sake, I've seen doctors go pale.
01:06:50LAUGHTER
01:06:51You, remember, cancel my aromatherapy, my psychotherapy, my reflexology, my osteopath, my homeopath, my naturopath, my crystal reed, my shiatsu,
01:06:57my organic hairdresser.
01:06:58And see if I can be rebirthed next Thursday afternoon.
01:07:00LAUGHTER
01:07:01Consider it dormant.
01:07:03LAUGHTER
01:07:03My doctor named Shikani. He was going to channel a colour for me today.
01:07:08LAUGHTER
01:07:12LAUGHTER
01:07:12Shikani, it's Adina. Green, thank you, darling.
01:07:15LAUGHTER
01:07:20Don't look at me like that. There is more to it, you know.
01:07:22Of course there is. The bill...
01:07:24Sweetie. Sweetie.
01:07:25He doesn't just choose the colour... Listen, because you might learn something now.
01:07:28He doesn't just choose the colour himself, darling.
01:07:32It is related to who I was in a previous existence.
01:07:35Mm-hm.
01:07:36And who was it you were in a previous life, then?
01:07:38I suppose you were the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming Dynasty.
01:07:41Well, close, yes.
01:07:42So how come you've ended up just a mad, fat old cow?
01:07:45BOOM!
01:07:47Oh.
01:07:48I'm still here.
01:07:52Nothing's happened. I've been to the toilet.
01:07:55Don't know how that can happen. I mean, I haven't...
01:07:57I haven't drunk anything for... I don't know how many hours.
01:07:59I don't know how many hours because I don't know what time it is
01:08:00because nothing works in this place.
01:08:03And I'm guessing it's five o'clock by the shadow on my bikini line.
01:08:07It's at five o'clock and I've missed a very important appointment.
01:08:09I've missed my appointment.
01:08:11I had an appointment with Teng Hua this afternoon.
01:08:13He was going to Feng Shui my internal organs.
01:08:16Well, see, I think I don't need my liver.
01:08:17That's the thing.
01:08:18I think it's interfering with my energy powers.
01:08:21But I don't know.
01:08:23I'm going to try and find a way out.
01:08:26I think if I run at the window, it might break.
01:08:30No, that didn't work.
01:08:37Why cake out in rain?
01:08:43Okay, I've made up my mind to do something.
01:08:44It's pretty drastic action.
01:08:45But look, there's a fire alarm.
01:08:46There's a fire alarm and I've got a hammer.
01:08:48Because, frankly, I'm not prepared to miss that thing, Shui.
01:08:50And it's not just my liver.
01:08:51I mean, I'm full of organs I don't need.
01:08:53I've got far too much intestine.
01:08:54That's why I look so fat.
01:08:56I mean, I know people in L.A.
01:08:57that have almost been hollowed out altogether.
01:08:59They're just like inflated skins, but they're happy.
01:09:02So, here goes.
01:09:10They're taking their time.
01:09:12Come on, hurry up!
01:09:14I've only got ten minutes!
01:09:38Darling, you are a fabulous, wonderful little witch.
01:09:41And remember, I've known you longer than your daughter.
01:09:44Champa's all right for you, Pat.
01:09:45Lovely, sweetie.
01:09:46Should we finish off the blue girl?
01:09:47I should be able to smoke so many nibbly things.
01:09:49Oh, whatever, sweetie.
01:09:49All right, let's finish off the blue girl.
01:09:51Don't sell us, darling.
01:09:53Beep, beep, beep, boop, boop, boop.
01:09:55Don't sell us, darling.
01:09:56Right on time, right on time.
01:09:58Techno, technos, bloody technos, darling.
01:10:00I'll start a little bit of a blue girl.
01:10:05It's fabulous, darling.
01:10:07I'll start a little bit of a blue girl.
01:10:12Let's have a look.
01:10:14Chanel, Dior, Lagerfeld, Givenchy, Gauthier, darling.
01:10:18Names, names, names.
01:10:20Harpers, Tadler, Inks folk, American folk, French folk, bloody, amber, bloody, singing, bloody folk, darling.
01:10:26La croix, sweetie, la croix.
01:10:29La croix, sweetie, la croix.
01:10:33Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie.