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BRITCOM 4
  • 2 days ago

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00:00:01Is this your mother?
00:00:02Let me handle this.
00:00:03No, I know her.
00:00:05I said, is this your mother?
00:00:07Well, let me see.
00:00:08One white paw, yes, that looks like her.
00:00:10She's been sitting in our kitchen for two days.
00:00:12Let me do this.
00:00:13You should look after her better.
00:00:15I could report you.
00:00:16Yeah, well, she always finds her own way back.
00:00:21Come on, Lee.
00:00:22Will you be all right now, love?
00:00:23Lee, we can't keep her.
00:00:26We shouldn't feed her.
00:00:30I can't believe she lives this close.
00:00:31We'll have to move.
00:00:33I found them, dear.
00:00:34Who?
00:00:35A Madonna and Guy Itchy.
00:00:38Madonna?
00:00:39Get in the house!
00:00:40Get back in the house!
00:00:41Get in the house!
00:00:44You must take your bloody fuckers and go out again,
00:00:47you stupid old woman!
00:00:48And don't come back until you find them!
00:00:52Was that Fran?
00:00:53Yeah, I'm standing around again, darling.
00:00:55Mum?
00:00:56Darling, I need Madonna and Guy Itchy.
00:00:59I mean, they might drive by sooner or later.
00:01:01I know they live in the area, sweetheart.
00:01:02What?
00:01:02And they'll see you washing the car,
00:01:04realise you share a common interest and become best friends?
00:01:06Darling, I just want to be in Madonna's inner circle, sweetheart.
00:01:10I want to huddle around her cool flame
00:01:13with all those other over-excited girlfriends of hers, darling.
00:01:16And hear her words of wisdom.
00:01:17Lo!
00:01:18She has spoken!
00:01:19Cowboy Ats is back!
00:01:22I'll tell you something, darling.
00:01:23If the car washing doesn't work, I'm putting the house on the market again.
00:01:27I know she's still looking.
00:01:29She'd love this kitchen.
00:01:31What's happened?
00:01:31My business has folded.
00:01:33What?
00:01:34Oh, darling, down the pan and flushed.
00:01:37I mean, we've severed an artery and I'm hemorrhaging clients at such a rate that death is now imminent.
00:01:43But Madonna, darling, Madonna could just be the little tourniquet, couldn't she, sweetheart?
00:01:49Can't be as bad as all that.
00:01:50Can't be as bad as all that.
00:01:51Most of them have gone to Claudia bloody Bing.
00:01:54She lapped them up like a vampire, sweetheart.
00:01:57I mean, honestly, if it goes on like this, I might be left.
00:01:59Listen to this, darling.
00:02:00I might be left with Twiggy and alco spray.
00:02:04And by the look of Twiggy's face just now, Twiggy's a bit like that.
00:02:09I mean, it's a disaster.
00:02:10Oh, come on, Mum. You always survive somehow.
00:02:13I always survive somehow.
00:02:14Not anymore, darling. Not now.
00:02:15The world has changed.
00:02:17I mean, there was a time I was out there.
00:02:19I was hip. I was dangerous.
00:02:21The zeitgeist blew from me, sweetheart.
00:02:24I mean, I could pick up the lunch buzz at Momo and fly with it, darling.
00:02:28You know, the more money you spent, the more you made.
00:02:29It was money on a loop.
00:02:31Not anymore, no.
00:02:33Not anymore, sweetheart.
00:02:35Thanks to New Labour.
00:02:37Oh, yes, darling.
00:02:41The eternally grinning, fun-less world of new ladies.
00:02:46All that hope, all that future, darling.
00:02:49But do you know something?
00:02:49Once the party's over, you look around, you're still standing in the shit.
00:02:54Nobody wants new things anymore.
00:02:55It's retro, retro, retro.
00:02:57I mean, darling, we are skidding backwards into the 2000s on a slick of apology,
00:03:01and that's not a world that thinks I'm that great.
00:03:04That is not the reason.
00:03:05It is.
00:03:08Well, that and the fact that Bubble...
00:03:09Oh, here we go.
00:03:10No, wait.
00:03:11Bubble managed to push the wrong button and emailed all my personal and my business letters to my whole address
00:03:16book.
00:03:16I mean, the whole world now knows my business.
00:03:19That might have helped Claudia being a business.
00:03:21Why does that not surprise me?
00:03:22Now, come on, Mum, put yourself together and deal with this.
00:03:24It can't be that bad.
00:03:26I've got a PR company with no clients and a TV company with no programs.
00:03:31What's the good news, Shirley Temple?
00:03:35Hello.
00:03:36Hi, hi, hi.
00:03:37Just here to say that later today, we'll be leaving.
00:03:41There is a God.
00:03:44The Kabbalah didn't quite work out for us, so we're gonna go home.
00:03:47We're gonna have a little rethink.
00:03:49There are plenty of places the stars go to find God.
00:03:53God is now a dot com and the stars are filling their baskets.
00:03:56No, no, just leave it.
00:03:57You should spend more time at home.
00:03:59I am not a Hollywood wife.
00:04:01I can't do the meet and greet with a howdy smile.
00:04:03I am not candy spelling.
00:04:05We don't have a present wrapping room.
00:04:08I, um, I hardly recognize you.
00:04:09Just normal like this.
00:04:11Hey, everybody's got a crowd of people inside of them.
00:04:14I act out each one, yet I am myself.
00:04:16I am never alone.
00:04:17I am with myself.
00:04:18Jane Fonda, Oprah, series four, show 97.
00:04:22Goodbye and good riddance.
00:04:24You're not gonna be missed.
00:04:25Oh, bless you for your honesty.
00:04:27Give me your hand, pretty lady.
00:04:30What can I say?
00:04:32What can't be said can't be said, and it can't be whistled either.
00:04:35Come on!
00:04:36Let's go see some sights.
00:04:37Okay.
00:04:38Ooh, maybe we can stop by Jerry Hall's house.
00:04:40Oh.
00:04:41Hold up, my little bonsai tree.
00:04:45Oh, I know you have dreams of running with the Redwoods, but you wouldn't last a second out there on
00:04:49your own.
00:04:50Mum, instead of hanging around here all day, I suggest you get into the office.
00:04:53Mummy, I am in the office.
00:04:55We're having a TV conference brainstorming meeting.
00:04:58I mean, I thought if I can get that side of it up and running, darling, I might be able
00:05:00to flog it to some sucker.
00:05:02Why can't they hear me?
00:05:03Hello?
00:05:04Zoe?
00:05:05Does this game show your general interest?
00:05:07I don't know.
00:05:08What's your idea?
00:05:09Did I have an idea?
00:05:11Who's pet is this?
00:05:13Who's your penis is?
00:05:14Oh, no, that's good.
00:05:14Oh, I like that.
00:05:15Keep it then.
00:05:16What's in my pocket?
00:05:18Where am I?
00:05:19Whose hands are these?
00:05:24Why can't they hear me?
00:05:25Hello?
00:05:25Hello?
00:05:26It's ridiculous.
00:05:27And where's Katie Grimm?
00:05:28She should bloody be there.
00:05:29Do you want me to sort this Bing woman for you?
00:05:31Where's the hard man?
00:05:32It's hard to go to the office now.
00:05:35Go to the office.
00:05:35Eddie, you need some fun, darling.
00:05:37Let's do something.
00:05:38Let's go to Harvey Nicks and have lunch at Noble.
00:05:40Oh, yeah.
00:05:41We haven't done that for a long.
00:05:42Alright, darling.
00:05:42I'll clear my desk.
00:05:43Mum.
00:05:44You've got a lot of life, haven't I?
00:05:46I mean, work should just be the little side salad.
00:05:49Oh, Alex.
00:05:49This is the mood board for the next edition.
00:05:51Yes, yes.
00:05:52Sex pitch.
00:05:53Aristotle.
00:05:53Sex, punk, whore, bitch.
00:05:55Prozzy.
00:05:56Prozzy, legy, punk, tar.
00:05:57Slut.
00:05:58Slut.
00:05:59Oh, but Alex.
00:06:00Alex.
00:06:00With lovely shoes.
00:06:01Oh, yes.
00:06:03There we are, darling.
00:06:04Oh, a little bit tense there already.
00:06:06Oh, yeah, darling.
00:06:08Relax, darling.
00:06:11Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:06:13Eddie.
00:06:13What did you do?
00:06:14My arm.
00:06:15What did you do?
00:06:16Oh, my God.
00:06:17You've broken it.
00:06:19Oh, no.
00:06:19It's all right.
00:06:20It's all right.
00:06:20Eddie, just get my bag.
00:06:23You know, I've got a few painkillers in there, I think, darling.
00:06:27Oh, get your arm.
00:06:30Oh, no.
00:06:30Oh, no, no.
00:06:31Yeah, it's not sweet.
00:06:32Like this, this.
00:06:33Oh, that's the one, darling.
00:06:34Oh, oh, oh.
00:06:37Oh.
00:06:37Oh, oh.
00:06:40Stop it.
00:06:41You need to go to hospital.
00:06:42No, no, it's okay.
00:06:43I think I can do it.
00:06:43I'll just go.
00:06:49Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:06:55I'll get a bandage.
00:06:56No, it's all right. It's just a little break. You know, these things happen.
00:07:00But, darling, you weren't doing anything. Just a chop, a chop, a chop, a chop.
00:07:04Last week, I cracked my ankle just putting it into a Jimmy Choo.
00:07:07Oh, rats!
00:07:09You need to see a doctor. You need to have some tests.
00:07:12No, it's all right.
00:07:13Oh, darling, maybe I should take it to the hospital.
00:07:15Oh, darling, I just need a drink.
00:07:17Mom, I will deal with this.
00:07:18I'll take it to the hospital.
00:07:19Don't, Mom, get away!
00:07:19No, no, no!
00:07:23I should have seen this coming.
00:07:26Sorry, sorry, darling.
00:07:33Come on.
00:07:35Yes, I know I'm late.
00:07:37Don't look at me like that.
00:07:39I'm up all night with a baby.
00:07:41I don't know why I cry so much.
00:07:42I've got friends who use exactly the same sperm bank, and theirs is perfect.
00:07:47Right!
00:07:48Ideas.
00:07:49Give me names, faces, formats.
00:07:51A quiz.
00:07:52With questions.
00:07:54Personalities, celebrities.
00:07:56Donorair, Cat Dealey.
00:07:58You can pick any one of the clones.
00:08:00There once was an anika who begat an eureka from whose career dip sprung a divina.
00:08:04All squirted from the same hole.
00:08:07Like herpes they spread from TV AM, only with a charm of incompetence.
00:08:12I mean, if there's any presenting to be done, I'm doing it.
00:08:15For Christ's sake!
00:08:16If there's an earpiece to be worn, I'm wearing it!
00:08:22Candy.
00:08:22Of Ed's, darling.
00:08:23Darling.
00:08:24Hi.
00:08:25Is Pat's not with you?
00:08:27No, she's got a bit of trouble.
00:08:29Damn.
00:08:29Minj and I are trying to get a group of us to go down to Annabelle's after the beat-ass
00:08:32assume gala.
00:08:33What, the hairball?
00:08:34Mmm.
00:08:35It's going to be a rather laugh, actually.
00:08:36Hugh Grant's going to be there.
00:08:38Mick Jagger.
00:08:39Mind you, I know Mick Jagger's a jumping scrotum with lips now, but I know that Patsy likes him.
00:08:43Oh, she doesn't.
00:08:43And Hugh's improved immeasurably since he lost the old flop.
00:08:46What, Liz Hurley?
00:08:47No, his hair.
00:08:48Oh, his hair.
00:08:49His hair.
00:08:49Are you going to do it, Halm?
00:08:50Yeah, we'll see you down there later.
00:08:51Oh.
00:08:51Oh, stinky.
00:08:53I think he needs a drink.
00:08:55His nose is very dry.
00:08:56Leave him alone.
00:08:59Simulator, simulator.
00:09:00You, bubble.
00:09:02Listen to him.
00:09:02What?
00:09:03Is your hair?
00:09:03Oh, my God.
00:09:04Claudia, bloody me.
00:09:06What do you want?
00:09:06Come to gawk?
00:09:07Come to squeeze the last drop of blood from the kill?
00:09:09Yeah, hold on.
00:09:10I just thought I'd see how big this office is.
00:09:12I mean, if you are going out of business, I might be interested.
00:09:16I can't stay.
00:09:17I just thought I'd pop my head in to say hi and thank you.
00:09:21What a day I've got, thanks to you.
00:09:23Let's see.
00:09:26Della Selle press junket.
00:09:27A relaunch and a relaunch.
00:09:29Versace golf tournament.
00:09:31Free Tibet, Ghana dinner.
00:09:32Yum, yum.
00:09:32First night, premier, photo call, a promotion.
00:09:36I've got Emmy and MS, which is wonderful.
00:09:38You get to go to the palace.
00:09:39Yeah, I know.
00:09:39I've sat next to Camilla twice now.
00:09:41Do you know she's almost pretty in the flesh?
00:09:43I adore Davina McCall's baby.
00:09:46But frankly, you can keep Alan Titchmosh, vagina monologues and drug abuse.
00:09:49Adina, I feel awfully bad.
00:09:51Don't.
00:09:52I've been in tighter spots.
00:09:53I shall rise like Phoenix from the ashes with Twiggy.
00:09:56Oh, dear.
00:09:57Claudia, you're here.
00:09:59Twiggy.
00:10:00Twiggy.
00:10:26Twiggy.
00:10:27Don't worry, Claudia.
00:10:27No, no, don't worry.
00:10:28All this is just touching the G-spot.
00:10:30Come on, Twiggy.
00:10:31Have you got your bikini?
00:10:32We're doing a swim-a-thon for poorly goldfish.
00:10:34Aw, the ones in the news.
00:10:36Oh, by the way, your mum's back with us now.
00:10:38And I told you he can keep her this time.
00:10:40Oh, every guy does have a silver lining.
00:10:42Again, again.
00:10:53Darling.
00:10:54How's the patient?
00:10:55Oh, Mum, can you sit down?
00:10:57Darling, oh, darling.
00:10:59Twiggy's left me.
00:11:01I saw Candy.
00:11:01Are we going to the hair ball?
00:11:03Mick's going to be there.
00:11:04It's going to be an auction.
00:11:05Oh, darling, I don't think I can, but I might find in a couple of bits.
00:11:08Mum.
00:11:08Did you go to the hospital?
00:11:09Yes, and to the gynaecologist.
00:11:12I hate gynaecologists.
00:11:13A man who can look her in the vagina, but never in the eye.
00:11:18I mean, mine, darling, he hangs around between women's legs like most men hang out in a garage.
00:11:22Just tinkering.
00:11:23Just tinkering.
00:11:24Mum.
00:11:25Yeah.
00:11:26Patsy's got osteoporosis.
00:11:30She has the lowest bone density on record.
00:11:33Oh, cheers.
00:11:33Cheers.
00:11:34Well done, darling.
00:11:35Well done.
00:11:36She is just gristle clinging on to bone powder.
00:11:40This is what happens when you have the menopause.
00:11:42No.
00:11:43No.
00:11:45Darling, no, it can't be.
00:11:46I'm 42.
00:11:47She's 42.
00:11:49Besides that, darling, she's never had all the...
00:11:52You've never had an ovary, have you?
00:11:53That's what the doctor in Algiers said.
00:11:54Yes.
00:11:54I've always had thin bones.
00:11:56I mean, it's nothing to do with anything.
00:11:56Anyway, darling, you just get a patch, don't you?
00:11:59Just get a patch.
00:12:00Mum, there are side effects.
00:12:02Oh, how many times in my life have I nearly overdosed?
00:12:04I think I can survive a patch.
00:12:07No.
00:12:08No, no, I think you should be aware of all the options, and I'm thinking of you as well,
00:12:11Mum.
00:12:11No, darling.
00:12:12It will happen, Mum.
00:12:13No.
00:12:14That's why I've organised the meeting upstairs.
00:12:15What meeting?
00:12:16The local MA.
00:12:18Mum?
00:12:19Mum?
00:12:19Mum.
00:12:21Menopausal's anonymous.
00:12:22No!
00:12:23Sweetheart!
00:12:25No!
00:12:26You will do this.
00:12:27You will learn about this, and you will take control.
00:12:30Because, frankly, if you don't...
00:12:34I mean...
00:12:35I'm not going to lie.
00:12:38I'm not going to lie.
00:12:40I'm not going to lie.
00:12:44Shh.
00:12:44Shh.
00:12:45Shh.
00:12:46Shh.
00:12:47Shh.
00:12:50And they...
00:12:51A split, darling.
00:12:53And a...
00:12:54Spliff.
00:12:55A split.
00:12:56A split.
00:12:59Sweetheart.
00:12:59Sweetheart.
00:13:00Sweetheart.
00:13:00What happened then?
00:13:01My life just flashed in front of me.
00:13:04What was it like, darling?
00:13:05Bergman film without the jokes?
00:13:10Oh, did you say there's a menopausal upstairs, darling?
00:13:13Yes.
00:13:13On my furniture?
00:13:14Are you mad?
00:13:16Where are the bin bags?
00:13:17Where are the bin bags?
00:13:18I've read about them, darling.
00:13:19One sneeze and the floodgates open.
00:13:22Bin bags!
00:13:23We'll just pack quickly and go home.
00:13:26Okay, honey.
00:13:30Leave it home.
00:13:31I smell a group.
00:13:34You go ahead and pack.
00:13:35I'll be right with you.
00:13:38I can't breathe.
00:13:40All right, bin bags.
00:13:41Everyone sit on a bin bag.
00:13:42Sit on a bin bag.
00:13:43Bloody coasters.
00:13:44Bloody coasters.
00:13:44Everyone, you off there on a bloody bin bag.
00:13:47Get on the bin bags.
00:13:49Are you not staying, darling?
00:13:51Oh, no.
00:13:51I'm all right.
00:13:52Gone through it already, I suppose?
00:13:55No.
00:13:57I think we should leave.
00:13:59I can feel the hormones being leached from me as we speak.
00:14:02If you want to watch it, you'll just leave here being worn as a patch.
00:14:04Sit down.
00:14:05I don't want to stay here with this sweaty load of funny-obsessed heifers.
00:14:10I'm sitting on my furniture.
00:14:12Come on, let's go.
00:14:14Down, down.
00:14:18Right, everyone, let's kick off.
00:14:20No, I'm taking the meat in.
00:14:24Catriona, lovey?
00:14:25Right, my name is Catriona.
00:14:28And I don't think I have actually got the menopause.
00:14:31Although I do have to do the checklist before I leave the house
00:14:35to ensure I don't go out without my trousers on.
00:14:38Again.
00:14:40I'm sensing denial.
00:14:42I'm sensing armpits.
00:14:43I'm sensing pubic sideburns and sweaty ones like that.
00:14:48Oh, hello, my name is Beth DeWody.
00:14:50I just want to share a few horrors.
00:14:51At night, I can't sleep, but at the wheel of a speeding car,
00:14:54I'm out like a light.
00:14:58Does anyone else have symptoms from these pills?
00:15:01Like, I don't know.
00:15:02Three nipples.
00:15:03Yeah.
00:15:03All right, hello, my name is Beth DeWody.
00:15:05I'm having three heart attacks a day,
00:15:07and my skin thinks it's in the Congo.
00:15:09Otherwise, I'm fine.
00:15:11My doctor says I should stop taking the pills,
00:15:13but that's what a man would say.
00:15:14I mean, what do they have to do?
00:15:15Let their belt out a couple of notches and join a golf club?
00:15:20There are alternatives.
00:15:22No, not the testosterone implant.
00:15:24For some people, they work.
00:15:26Oh, yeah.
00:15:26Tell that to Marley Quinberg.
00:15:28They turned her into an overheated sex maniac.
00:15:30Yeah, but I've got them.
00:15:32She should come and see me.
00:15:33The woman cannot walk.
00:15:35Overheated and oversexed.
00:15:36She gave herself an accidental clitorectomy with a hand fan.
00:15:43Hi, I'm Bo Chrysalis.
00:15:45Can I just ask what this meeting's for?
00:15:47Is this angry divorcees or croning?
00:15:52No, the menopause, Bo.
00:15:53Oh, well, we don't have that in America.
00:15:56We don't believe in it.
00:15:58Certainly not in L.A.
00:16:02Sisters, come on, come on.
00:16:04This meeting's going nowhere.
00:16:05My name is Jobo,
00:16:07and I'm happy to be having the menopause.
00:16:09I have hot flushes and memory loss.
00:16:12Well done.
00:16:14And sometimes, when I sneeze, I pee.
00:16:19That's a warning.
00:16:20The sands of time are trickling through my hourglass.
00:16:24Patsy Stone, I hope you're wearing thick pants.
00:16:26Yes.
00:16:29Adina Monsoon, stand on that bloody bin bag.
00:16:34God.
00:16:38Womb prayer, everybody.
00:16:40Womb prayer.
00:16:41No.
00:16:42Embrace the drive.
00:16:45Love your womb.
00:16:47Come down, Lilith,
00:16:48and suck up our juices and blow back whisters.
00:16:52Group hug, everybody.
00:16:54No, Sam, Sam.
00:16:58God, who was that?
00:17:01Bev DeWarnay.
00:17:05Marshall, Marshall, where do the stars go to have the menopause?
00:17:08Montana.
00:17:09And a small clinic in Arizona.
00:17:12Well, hitch up the horses.
00:17:12We're going west.
00:17:16Are you going into the office?
00:17:18Yeah, I suppose I'll have to
00:17:19see if I can make alco spray into...
00:17:21What is it?
00:17:22I've never heard of it.
00:17:23Oh, thank you.
00:17:24It's spray booze, darling.
00:17:26Great for kids.
00:17:28Come on, Mum.
00:17:29What is it you always say?
00:17:30Bad is the new good.
00:17:31Crap is the new fantastic.
00:17:33This is what you're good at.
00:17:34All I used to be good at, darling.
00:17:36I mean, I can't cook.
00:17:37I can't knit.
00:17:37I can't sew.
00:17:38I can't sing.
00:17:39Thank God.
00:17:41Look, is there anything I can do?
00:17:42Yeah, well, that is a $64 million question, isn't it, darling?
00:17:45We'd all like to know that.
00:17:48Actually, I think I need some brain food, darling.
00:17:50Go and get me some wheat germ and some grass juice.
00:17:52No.
00:17:53Well, what am I supposed to do, then?
00:17:54Why don't you go and suck a lawn?
00:17:57Because, darling, by the time I got there, Claudia Bing would already have it sucked, that's why.
00:18:01Good morning, Ed.
00:18:02Good morning, Pats.
00:18:03Did she stay over?
00:18:05Sweetheart, she couldn't remember where she lived, and I thought it was safely, you know.
00:18:10Also, darling, now that Bowen Marshall...
00:18:12No.
00:18:12Lovely empty spare room.
00:18:14No.
00:18:14Yeah, but...
00:18:14No.
00:18:16Damn you.
00:18:17How are you doing with the patch?
00:18:18Oh, feel a bit better, Ed.
00:18:19Yeah?
00:18:19Yes, well, you'll need a new one.
00:18:21Well, is the old one still there?
00:18:23Why don't you look?
00:18:24What's my cracking egg, darling?
00:18:27This is the last time I do this.
00:18:34Ooh, pills.
00:18:35Ooh, pills.
00:18:35Feel a pill.
00:18:36There's alternative remedies.
00:18:39FHT, DGT, NYT, Belladonna, Oga, Tamin, Black, Cohosh, and Dong.
00:18:42Ooh, Dong.
00:18:43Thank you, Melissa.
00:18:46Well, then, I think it'll bring you back from the freeze-dried granules, darling.
00:18:49What are you going to do today?
00:18:50Huh?
00:18:50Well, I thought I'd ring and find out if I got anything at the auction.
00:18:53I'll see you later.
00:18:54I've got to go in the office.
00:18:55I think I'm going to sell off the old TV thing, you know.
00:18:58It's losing me more money than Pearl Harbor.
00:19:01I'm going to tell you something.
00:19:02If I don't, darling...
00:19:05The death knell ringeth.
00:19:23Uh-oh.
00:19:23Alco spray gone bust, me tubby bye-bye.
00:19:27Oh, hello.
00:19:28Bubble's gone.
00:19:29But if there's anything you need, I'm here.
00:19:31I don't know why you employed her.
00:19:33I don't know.
00:19:34She's like a little bit of work of art, you know.
00:19:36A sort of conceptual installation.
00:19:38The concept of a PA.
00:19:39But I think, frankly, I've been better off with just a painting of a secretary.
00:19:46Very pretty cardigan.
00:19:47No.
00:19:52We've also got theoretical marketing strategies and global internet tie-ins, so all we need
00:19:58is the programmes.
00:19:59Oh, and we had one idea today, which was a quiz.
00:20:01What's the talking, boss?
00:20:02Why are you still here?
00:20:04Share me that.
00:20:04No, no, no.
00:20:06Damn you.
00:20:06Damn you.
00:20:07Is it a TV company?
00:20:09No.
00:20:09No, it's not a TV company.
00:20:11It's a multinational media cable and satellite network with Murdoch airspace and strategic
00:20:16programming WAP tie-ins.
00:20:19I own some pretty expensive air up there.
00:20:21You sneaky...
00:20:22I'm branded.
00:20:25All the meat, all the celebrity cattle.
00:20:27But frankly, you know something, I was quite glad to offload them.
00:20:30Oh.
00:20:30Yeah.
00:20:31I mean, this is the future, babe.
00:20:32This is the future.
00:20:33We're in pre-, pre-, almost pre-production for quizzes.
00:20:38We've got...
00:20:40Have I got shoes for you?
00:20:42The Donatone's on hold of that one.
00:20:44I mean, this is going to be bigger than all that dot-com's put together.
00:20:46I'm surprised you're not into this.
00:20:47Oh, my God.
00:20:49What?
00:20:49Is it?
00:20:50What?
00:20:50Is it?
00:20:51I don't believe it.
00:20:52Katie Grimm?
00:20:53Yeah, she's my TV partner.
00:20:56Well, I love her.
00:20:57I used to watch her on Blue Peter.
00:21:00Hello.
00:21:01Katie?
00:21:01Claudia Bing.
00:21:02Bing, bing, bing, bing.
00:21:03I've got a Blue Peter badge.
00:21:05Really?
00:21:06Well done.
00:21:08Go.
00:21:09Go.
00:21:09I'm sorry.
00:21:11I'm selling my half of the company.
00:21:13I've decided that Katie needs to get her face back on TV where it belongs.
00:21:17Of course she does.
00:21:19I think I could help.
00:21:20No, no, no.
00:21:21I know what you're up to.
00:21:22Sell me your half of the company.
00:21:23I'll get you back on TV.
00:21:25I've got Dale Winton in my pocket.
00:21:26Done.
00:21:27Ha-ha!
00:21:28Oh, no.
00:21:29I will not be partners with her.
00:21:32Oh, jeez.
00:21:33Tell you what.
00:21:34To get you back on your feet, why don't I buy the whole thing and throw in a couple
00:21:37of celebs?
00:21:38Kylie or two.
00:21:39I don't know.
00:21:41Um.
00:21:43Oh, I suppose I'll have to look.
00:21:44Kylie and a couple of the cancers.
00:21:46All right.
00:21:46And for old time's sake, Lulu.
00:21:47Done.
00:21:48My people will talk to you.
00:21:49To you.
00:21:52I want to show you my back.
00:21:54Oh, my.
00:21:56Yes.
00:21:57We're back in business.
00:21:58We're back in business.
00:21:59Bubble.
00:22:01Take the desk.
00:22:02Take the desk.
00:22:03All right.
00:22:05Memo to Lulu.
00:22:06The boat that you row may cross no ocean, but I'll get you a bit of Airways out.
00:22:15Hmm.
00:22:16A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
00:22:20I think I'm feeling a little fullness.
00:22:22You can't have in two days.
00:22:24Have you finished pithing that orange?
00:22:25Yes.
00:22:26There are pounds to be washed, Saffy, my darling.
00:22:29You can't hang around me all day in my languorous wake, taking in the nutmeggy fumes.
00:22:35Oh, how I'm longing to see my browning loaf.
00:22:39You're making so much mess.
00:22:41Oh, my cuticles.
00:22:43Will you look at those?
00:22:43I've so neglected them.
00:22:44They look terrible.
00:22:47Apple syrup upside down, pie.
00:22:50I, uh, I think you need to get your levels checked.
00:22:53You should go back to the gynecologist.
00:22:57There we are.
00:22:59I think your levels might be too strong.
00:23:02What are you saying?
00:23:03Martin said, I'm perfect.
00:23:04I went to see him today.
00:23:05He managed to squeeze me in between a cyst and a hysterectomy.
00:23:08Now, can I have the icing sugar, please?
00:23:10And I'll do it.
00:23:11Your sieving skills let you down before.
00:23:13Why are you doing this?
00:23:15Don't you like me as I am?
00:23:16With hormones, I hate you more.
00:23:19Hello, darling.
00:23:19Had a good day at the office?
00:23:20Yes, darling.
00:23:21Fantastic.
00:23:21Mum, do something.
00:23:23Darling, go and wash your hands.
00:23:24We're having TV dinners, entrees, in front of the telly.
00:23:31Don't go breakin' my heart.
00:23:34I couldn't if I tried.
00:23:38Oh, honey, I get restless.
00:23:41Girl, you're not that kind.
00:23:46I do like her hair.
00:23:48Do you?
00:23:49You take the weight off of me.
00:23:53Oh, honey, when you're knocked at my door.
00:23:56Oh, I gave you my key.
00:24:01Ooh, ooh.
00:24:04Nobody knows it.
00:24:07Wipe your mouth, Eddie.
00:24:09Can I go to the champagne?
00:24:17I'm so glad we didn't go out tonight.
00:24:19I've got something important to tell you.
00:24:21What?
00:24:22It is a little bit special.
00:24:25You all right, darling?
00:24:26Darling, I'm much blessed.
00:24:27Why?
00:24:28I'm going to have a baby.
00:24:30No!
00:24:34You can't!
00:24:35I can.
00:24:36They found one egg at the hospital.
00:24:39But darling, you haven't even got any ovaries.
00:24:41That's what the doctor said.
00:24:42Yes, they were just hidden.
00:24:43They found a couple lodged up under my ribs.
00:24:45That silly Arab doctor left them.
00:24:46I'm going to have a baby.
00:24:48What about all the little sperm, darling?
00:24:50I've put in a successful bid at the auction.
00:24:52I've got a little file of Mick Jaggers.
00:24:55Good old Mick.
00:24:56I thought we could put the two together tonight
00:24:57and have a replanting ceremony.
00:25:01What do you mean?
00:25:01Where are they?
00:25:03In the fridge downstairs.
00:25:09No child should suffer you.
00:25:12Yeah, but darling, think about it.
00:25:13Pat's his hair, Mick's lips.
00:25:18No!
00:25:19I want the spare room.
00:25:21No.
00:25:22No.
00:25:23No!
00:25:25No!
00:25:31Cheers, darling.
00:25:32Cheers, darling.
00:25:33I think it's a little upside-down leaf-eye burning or something.
00:25:37Edwin should never be the oldest thing in one's house.
00:25:39I'm not, darling.
00:25:40I've got staff.
00:25:41Mm-hmm.
00:25:46We're rolling down the road
00:25:51Let's not air by my next dogkin
00:25:55This wheel shall explode
00:25:58Oh!
00:26:08Naps!
00:26:09Daff!
00:26:10Nappy!
00:26:11Tautying!
00:26:12Patsy needs changing, darling!
00:26:14Darling!
00:26:15Patsy needs changing!
00:26:19Eddie, let's dance, Eddie.
00:26:20Let's dance.
00:26:21Let's dance, Eddie.
00:26:23Let's dance, Eddie.
00:26:25Don't go breaking my heart.
00:26:27Don't go breaking my heart.
00:26:29I'm calling you back.
00:26:36We'll go down out of our way for you then.
00:26:38There's some bonnie going.
00:26:42There's some bonnie bouncing mick.
00:26:44He'll be there.
00:26:48Here we are, Ed.
00:26:53What colour was it, Gran?
00:26:54What colour was what, dear?
00:26:55The mobility scooter.
00:26:58And they need to know where you left it.
00:26:59Oh, don't tell them, dear.
00:27:00They might steal it.
00:27:01Call the police.
00:27:02This is the police.
00:27:04Oh, flash, flash, smash that.
00:27:06Kiss, kiss.
00:27:07Another London fashion week ever.
00:27:09Of course, spa beckons.
00:27:11Who shows you going to Patsy Patsy Dive,
00:27:12flash, flash, flash.
00:27:13You go to New York, next week,
00:27:14Patsy Flash, flash, flash.
00:27:15Boys, boys.
00:27:16Give the models a chance.
00:27:17Point your cameras at the catwalk.
00:27:20Hello, Mrs M, we've been to the shows.
00:27:21Oh, was it winter?
00:27:22No, spring.
00:27:23Oh, have we had winter?
00:27:25Last summer.
00:27:27I think I'm out of the loop.
00:27:29I feel like I've walked the marathon.
00:27:31You haven't, though.
00:27:32No.
00:27:35Place, mom.
00:27:37No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
00:27:41no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
00:27:42no, no, no, no.
00:27:44So hard,
00:27:45actually sketching the models
00:27:46when they were moving along the runway.
00:27:50My hand kept falling off the bed.
00:27:53You got through nearly six pencils.
00:27:56Whatever.
00:27:57Now, girls, let's see what we've actually got
00:27:58before I set off for the big, uh, big apple,
00:28:00the big, the giant apple, the big fruit,
00:28:02the, um, you know,
00:28:03the city that only sleeps twice,
00:28:04New York.
00:28:08I didn't know it was her shopper upper, darling.
00:28:11Anyway, it wasn't up to much, was it?
00:28:13Might as well bloody well walk.
00:28:14I know.
00:28:14Maybe you're hampered by the lock on the back wheel.
00:28:17Oh, Eddie, darling, we need some drink here.
00:28:18Bye, darling, champagne.
00:28:20I've got one bottle left, darling.
00:28:30Don't tell me, darling.
00:28:32Fashion week was a war zone.
00:28:34Oh, life-threatening crowd situations,
00:28:36rushing from show to show,
00:28:38barely clean to the last shred
00:28:39of one's own personal glamour.
00:28:40Yes.
00:28:41Backstage parties landmined
00:28:43with bitch editors
00:28:44and Donatella bloody Versace.
00:28:45I wouldn't want to step on her.
00:28:47She'd take your leg off.
00:28:48Oh, yeah.
00:28:49God, tanned like an old kipper now,
00:28:51ain't she?
00:28:53What do you think?
00:28:55She used to, honestly, darling,
00:28:56I think even looking at her
00:28:57can seriously damage your health.
00:28:59It would be so lovely
00:29:01to have everything back to normal
00:29:02after that terrible thing last year.
00:29:04Yes, yeah, 7-11.
00:29:08What?
00:29:11Yeah, darling, 24-7.
00:29:16What's 7-11?
00:29:179-11.
00:29:189-11, I knew that.
00:29:21Well, let's drink to a world
00:29:22that's changed for the better.
00:29:24Yes.
00:29:24People like you make me realise it hasn't.
00:29:27You still think it's of global importance
00:29:28that someone has reinvented Hispanic Morocco
00:29:30and applied it to a shoe?
00:29:33Gosh, have they?
00:29:36A shoe?
00:29:38You must get one for Jones.
00:29:40I know the girls might like some nipples.
00:29:43What's Jeremy's?
00:29:44Hmm?
00:29:45New concept fashion store, darling.
00:29:47Pats isn't with the magazine anymore.
00:29:48No, she's a buyer.
00:29:49No, Eddie, Eddie.
00:29:50I'm the executive creative director,
00:29:52chief buyer,
00:29:53and lifestyle coordinator.
00:29:55Yeah, it's a huge responsibility.
00:29:56I'm very important.
00:29:58I decide the direction,
00:30:00the adjacencies,
00:30:01the brand mix,
00:30:02the now,
00:30:02the gorgeous,
00:30:03the wham,
00:30:03the bang,
00:30:04the loose,
00:30:04the new noir.
00:30:05Just decisions,
00:30:06decisions, decisions.
00:30:07I say what goes in the store.
00:30:10What will that be, darling?
00:30:11Oh, very little.
00:30:11Very little.
00:30:14No, a few items that very few can afford.
00:30:16I've done the customers shopping for them.
00:30:17Yeah.
00:30:18Who is the customer?
00:30:19Rich bitches whose faces have been pulled so tight
00:30:21they can't see what they're buying.
00:30:22Excellent.
00:30:24Fabulous, darling.
00:30:25And we're her team.
00:30:27Ah, yes.
00:30:28Go, darling.
00:30:29Go, go, go, go.
00:30:30We'll be off it.
00:30:32Oh.
00:30:32Have a lovely time in New York.
00:30:34Bubble, come down here, darling.
00:30:36Where is she?
00:30:37Where is it?
00:30:38Bubble, come down here and do your job.
00:30:40How can she still have a job when you don't?
00:30:42Of course, darling,
00:30:43I'm retraining her as my PA.
00:30:46Come on, assistant, assist.
00:30:48I don't understand.
00:30:50That's very simple.
00:30:51You are a PA.
00:30:52I tell you what I have to do
00:30:54and then you tell me what I have to do back.
00:30:56All right?
00:30:57But I'm scared.
00:30:58Oh, stop it.
00:30:59Oh, stop it.
00:30:59Get off me.
00:31:00Get off me.
00:31:01Get off me.
00:31:03Go and ask Patsy if she wants another drink.
00:31:05Eddie, I'm trying to work.
00:31:06Go on.
00:31:06Go on.
00:31:14Darling, darling, darling.
00:31:16What?
00:31:16What's she saying?
00:31:17She's going to ask you if you want another drink.
00:31:20You tell her if she'll get back to me.
00:31:21Get off me.
00:31:22Get off me.
00:31:23Get off me.
00:31:24Get off me.
00:31:26Come back.
00:31:26Come back.
00:31:27Come back.
00:31:30You can only train with pain.
00:31:31Just stay.
00:31:32Go on.
00:31:33Stay there.
00:31:34I'll have a bottle, but I'll have it in my room.
00:31:39And you're not park, Eddie, darling.
00:31:40Don't forget New York.
00:31:41I know New York.
00:31:42Have you got a bag I can borrow?
00:31:43Put it on a sticky.
00:31:45Put everything on a sticky.
00:31:46There's just...
00:31:48Cheers.
00:31:49Thanks a lot.
00:31:49What's that for?
00:31:51Toiletries.
00:31:55What is that back there, darling?
00:31:56What is Pat's room?
00:31:57It's the utility room.
00:32:00It's very now, isn't it?
00:32:02Well, I don't like having her here.
00:32:03She gives me nightmares.
00:32:04I can hear her creeping around and scratching.
00:32:07I've had to put extra locks on my door.
00:32:09Oh, have you?
00:32:10Who are you?
00:32:16What are you doing?
00:32:17Pin, pin, pin.
00:32:18What are you doing, darling?
00:32:19Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
00:32:21What is this?
00:32:24Observations dreary.
00:32:24What's that mean?
00:32:25Diary.
00:32:26Oh, darling.
00:32:29It's for my writing course.
00:32:30Oh, your writing course.
00:32:32You're still on that, darling.
00:32:33I thought they stopped you going after you were arrested for stalking.
00:32:37Darling, how many weeks were you in that poor family's cupboard?
00:32:41Observing.
00:32:42Two.
00:32:43Oh, two weeks.
00:32:43But it was worth it.
00:32:44Was it?
00:32:47Tell you something, darling.
00:32:48You'd be better off using me as your raw material.
00:32:50No.
00:32:51I had to get a glimpse into normality.
00:32:52Normality.
00:32:55Darling, normal is what you know.
00:33:09What's a new diet thing, darling?
00:33:11Let's early does it.
00:33:12Dolly cutlery.
00:33:15It pulls your brain into thinking you're eating a big meal, sweetheart.
00:33:18It's kind of freaky, though, isn't it, darling?
00:33:20Look.
00:33:20Eddie giant hands.
00:33:24Eddie giant hands, sweetheart.
00:33:25Mother's still fat.
00:33:26I'm still fat.
00:33:29I'm still fat, darling, but at least I'm not a thief.
00:33:35Yeah.
00:33:36Stealing little bits out of other people's lives.
00:33:38Stealing their wit and calling it your own.
00:33:40Little wit picker, that's all you are.
00:33:43Little regurgitator of old wit picks.
00:33:46You know what that is?
00:33:47That's just all art, fart, poop, pop, tit.
00:33:50That is.
00:33:55Talk to me.
00:33:56No, people don't have to talk endlessly.
00:34:02I'm just lonely.
00:34:06Well, I am.
00:34:09You know, Patsy's working.
00:34:11You're observing.
00:34:14I've got no job in my home anymore.
00:34:17That.
00:34:30Listen to me, darling.
00:34:34I miss my son.
00:34:36I do.
00:34:38I miss my lovely son.
00:34:40He talked to me.
00:34:41Serge had talked to me.
00:34:42Yeah, my lovely son had talked to me.
00:34:43I'm going to call Marshall and see where Serge is.
00:34:45I'm going to...
00:34:45You don't need to.
00:34:46Why?
00:34:47He's coming over later.
00:34:49Marshall?
00:34:50Oh, that's it.
00:34:55Just looking, not eating.
00:34:57Look, hands.
00:35:13So send in your check and your infirmity to Epiphany, and we will pray for you.
00:35:18Can I hear an amen?
00:35:20Amen.
00:35:20Amen all around.
00:35:22Because God don't like demands.
00:35:25No, he doesn't.
00:35:26Nope.
00:35:26And he said, lo, and bade the children crawl up and sit on his lap.
00:35:30Ephedrine's 12.
00:35:31Seven.
00:35:32Can I hear?
00:35:32Praise Jesus.
00:35:33Praise Jesus.
00:35:34All his name.
00:35:35You know, all the cults, they think they got it made.
00:35:38All the Hindus and the Buddhists and the Lutherans.
00:35:40Oh, yeah.
00:35:42Well, the Hindus, they got some kind of a wheel.
00:35:44And the Buddhists, they got a circle, and everyone's got Allah coming down.
00:35:48But friends, we have got Jesus Christ.
00:35:51Hear an amen.
00:35:52Amen.
00:35:53Pay attention up here.
00:35:55Stay with us, Lola.
00:35:57Because, you know, we just want to thank the Lord.
00:36:00We want to take his holy name on high, and we want to thank you from the bottom of our
00:36:04buttocks.
00:36:05Thank you, dear Lord Jesus.
00:36:08Now, Philomena Bill from Bunter, Ohio, bring yourself towards your screen.
00:36:12Bring yourself up.
00:36:13Hitch that chair up.
00:36:14Drag those big, fat, sluggish limbs up and look at me.
00:36:18Now, touch me, Phil.
00:36:20Touch me, because I cast out your cancer.
00:36:23I cast out your diabetes.
00:36:25I cast out your hypoglycemia.
00:36:27Your hypoglycemia.
00:36:30Well, God sees your disease.
00:36:31He don't need a heap of letters.
00:36:33And truly, in Jesus' name, be healed!
00:36:37Be healed!
00:36:38Be healed!
00:36:40Oh, be healed!
00:36:41And!
00:36:42And!
00:36:44And!
00:36:45And!
00:36:45And!
00:36:46And!
00:36:46And!
00:36:46And!
00:36:47And!
00:36:48And!
00:36:49And!
00:36:49We have a TV ministry.
00:36:51It's a real ministry.
00:36:52We've got a temple and everything.
00:36:54It's a TV studio, Bo.
00:36:56I had a calling.
00:36:58It was the network.
00:36:59But, and let me finish, Bo.
00:37:01Well, we truly have been changed.
00:37:03God sent us an angel.
00:37:06Are you talking about Lola?
00:37:09Oh, she's a wonder.
00:37:11An innocent.
00:37:12A prophetess.
00:37:13Lola can't see the future.
00:37:14She can't even see her own feet.
00:37:16What?
00:37:23Where's my son?
00:37:24Our son.
00:37:25My son.
00:37:25Where is he?
00:37:26What's he doing?
00:37:27Taking blood samples from Ascumos.
00:37:32It's lies, isn't it?
00:37:33That's all lies.
00:37:34Jesus is our savior.
00:37:36Jesus is our devil.
00:37:39I've been thinking about this for some time while I was in that fridge, darling.
00:37:43Why doesn't Surge come home?
00:37:46What can it possibly have been that drove him away all those years ago, darling?
00:37:53What can it possibly have been that you did to him, sweetheart?
00:37:56Me?
00:37:57Yes, you.
00:37:58It's an illogical explanation, isn't it?
00:37:59He left because of you.
00:38:01Because of me?
00:38:02You smothered him and tried to seduce every friend he ever brought home.
00:38:05You?
00:38:05With your overbearing corpulence, not me.
00:38:11How dare you use words like that with me, darling?
00:38:13You don't even know what it means.
00:38:16I don't know what it means, actually.
00:38:18No, but darling, I know something.
00:38:21My son loved me.
00:38:22My son always loved me.
00:38:24He always said so.
00:38:26Only because you were clutching him so tight to your breasts, he'd suffocate if he didn't.
00:38:31Sweetheart, you drove him away because you were jealous.
00:38:34I wish he was here, so I wouldn't always have to take the brunt of you.
00:38:37Well, tell me where he is, then, and you won't have to.
00:38:40The boy wants to be left alone.
00:38:42Boy?
00:38:43Praise Jesus, he has come from on high.
00:38:54Have I missed anything?
00:38:57Yeah, they were just telling me about Serge.
00:38:59See?
00:38:59Nothing.
00:39:00Serge?
00:39:00I was just thinking about him.
00:39:02I was just wondering if that sort of thing can run in the family.
00:39:06What?
00:39:07Zip it!
00:39:08Being gay, dear.
00:39:13Well, Serge is gay.
00:39:15Well, that's true, isn't it, Safie?
00:39:17Yes, it is.
00:39:18Yes, it is.
00:39:21I said he's gay.
00:39:22I said he's carrying on you.
00:39:24That's all she needs to know.
00:39:26Where does he live?
00:39:27Where does he live?
00:39:28Oh.
00:39:28Come on.
00:39:29Where does he live?
00:39:29Don't tell him.
00:39:30New York, kids.
00:39:32New York, that's it.
00:39:33Patsy new, yes.
00:39:37My son is gay and living in New York, and you knew.
00:39:40My son is gay and living in New York, darling.
00:39:43I'm going to New York tomorrow.
00:39:44I can see him.
00:39:46He won't want to see you.
00:39:47Of course he will.
00:39:48Of course he will, darling.
00:39:49Gay people love me.
00:39:51Oh, yeah.
00:39:52All my friends are gay.
00:39:53All my friends are gay.
00:39:55I mean, I laugh with them.
00:39:56I cry with them, darling.
00:39:58You know, Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.
00:40:03Oh, fantastic.
00:40:04Darling, he can fill me in on David and Eliza.
00:40:06He can scream with me when Valentino comes out with a new flip-flop.
00:40:09Oh, darling.
00:40:11Personal shopper for life.
00:40:13Oh, darling.
00:40:14Give me his address, darling.
00:40:15No.
00:40:16Give me his address, darling.
00:40:17Go on.
00:40:17Go on.
00:40:17No.
00:40:18You've got it.
00:40:18Shut up.
00:40:19I know you've got it in that little book of yours.
00:40:20Give me his address.
00:40:20No.
00:40:21No, will you shut it up?
00:40:22Get up.
00:40:23Get up.
00:40:23I know you've got it.
00:40:24Shut up.
00:40:25I'll find him.
00:40:26I'll sniff him out.
00:40:27I mean, how many gay men can there be in New York?
00:40:33Marshall, I am very disappointed in you.
00:40:35How could you stand by while your son wallows in the jaws of Sodom?
00:40:40Oh, Paul, get real here.
00:40:42We all have gay feelings.
00:40:49Don't we?
00:40:57Pats.
00:40:58Pats.
00:40:59Sweetheart.
00:41:00Dad, what did you do?
00:41:01What did you do here, darling?
00:41:03Eddie, I'm not really worried about going to York, but darling, you will come with me when
00:41:06you're going to be there, because, you know, just to help me with a little bit of, just
00:41:08to make a little bit of a choice.
00:41:09Yeah, and to just help me make, you know, just a little bit of support.
00:41:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:41:13Yeah.
00:41:13I'm going to find sentries address, and I think Savi's got up in the bedroom, so we're going
00:41:15to go up now and find her the little cupboard up there, but if she gets in, like, she wakes
00:41:18up looking at her, she's just a motherless.
00:41:19Oh, right.
00:41:19Oh, right.
00:41:20But I might have to give her a little drug or something to keep around it.
00:41:22Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:41:23Shh, shh, shh.
00:41:23Let's do the best.
00:41:23Be quiet.
00:41:23But you will come to New York with me, or do you?
00:41:25You come?
00:41:25Shh, shh.
00:41:26That's all right.
00:41:27That's okay.
00:41:28Thanks, cheers.
00:41:29I'm with you, darling.
00:41:43Just as well, Ellie, this is good stuff.
00:41:44Shamed or wasted?
00:41:46She's got black books.
00:41:47She's got everything.
00:41:48She likes her.
00:41:49She's got black books, sweetheart.
00:41:50Look at tiny things.
00:41:51I hate books, darling.
00:41:52Forgive me.
00:41:53It's your eyes.
00:41:54That's it.
00:41:55Oh, I'm there.
00:41:56That's it.
00:41:57I'll keep an eye on her.
00:41:58Ellie, Ellie.
00:41:59It's just an entrance that'll help you out.
00:42:01Oh, it's very good.
00:42:03Give it to me.
00:42:04Give me the whole book.
00:42:07Search.
00:42:08Search.
00:42:11Search.
00:42:12Go.
00:42:13Let's see if a club it works in or something.
00:42:15Just, you know.
00:42:16Come here, I'll put that back.
00:42:17Yeah, I will.
00:42:17Go.
00:42:19I didn't notice it's gone.
00:42:20Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
00:42:22Yeah.
00:42:23Head.
00:42:24Head, can you?
00:42:25Head, can you help me down from here?
00:42:27Hey.
00:42:28Hello.
00:42:31Hey.
00:42:49Hey.
00:42:54This is everything, darling.
00:42:55Ticket is my new passport.
00:42:56Come on, sweetheart.
00:42:56No, come on, we're going, we're going, we're going, we're going!
00:42:59Ooh, go down! Ooh, get up those stairs, get up those stairs, darling, darling.
00:43:04She's giving me a wedgie on my thong. Can you give me a hug?
00:43:09Just keep...
00:43:15Ooh, that's better.
00:43:16Ooh, that's a bit better. Thank you, darling.
00:43:18Can you still see it? Is it still sexy?
00:43:20Yeah, well...
00:43:21And have you seen my glasses? Have you seen my glasses?
00:43:23I just... I just don't know where they're...
00:43:26It's better to find him. And even if you do, he won't want to see you.
00:43:30He will, darling. My son is going to love me.
00:43:36Tickets, money, passports! Tickets!
00:43:38Tickles!
00:43:38No!
00:43:43Oh, yeah, check-in. Yeah, yeah.
00:43:45No, no, stay where you are, that's what we're paying for, so we can stay in the car.
00:43:47Tickets and passports, please. Is this upper class?
00:43:49This is upper class.
00:43:50My post looks a bit big, so it's too close to the camera.
00:43:52That's... that's me.
00:43:53Very much. And the ticket and passport, please.
00:43:56Did she get the bags?
00:43:57Ooh!
00:43:58All right, that's...
00:43:59Sarah, would you mind coming over?
00:44:00OK. Just want to know, when was this photo taken?
00:44:02Oh, it's very recent.
00:44:03OK.
00:44:05There's your boarding classes now. Have a good fight today.
00:44:07Cheers.
00:44:07Five, five, five, chicken!
00:44:14You're not nervous, are you?
00:44:15Yeah. It's all about confidence.
00:44:17If I believe it, they'll believe it.
00:44:19Whatever I choose is cool because I am cool.
00:44:23What's that, darling?
00:44:25Well, Chanel No. 5.
00:44:29I wonder what he looks like.
00:44:31Oh.
00:44:32Serge!
00:44:34You're not still going on about him, aren't you?
00:44:35He's my son!
00:44:36Who you haven't seen for...
00:44:38All right. 10 and 11.
00:44:40What age was he over here?
00:44:42What age was he when you noticed he'd gone?
00:44:44When did I have him?
00:44:45When did your pelvic floor collapse?
00:44:48What age was I when I had him?
00:44:49Maybe it doesn't even exist.
00:44:51Maybe, Eddie.
00:44:53Maybe that wasn't the placenta you're at.
00:44:59Anyway, we have to meet him now because he'll have to answer all these questions.
00:45:02I'd just be talking placenta.
00:45:04I'd be more interesting than that, darling.
00:45:05And I'd be in...
00:45:07What is it?
00:45:10What is it?
00:45:10Chef?
00:45:12Yes!
00:45:13My son is gay and living in New York!
00:45:16Yeah!
00:45:17Oh!
00:45:17My sunglasses!
00:45:18My sunglasses!
00:45:19Stop the car!
00:45:19Stop the car!
00:45:20My sunglasses!
00:45:22Stop the car!
00:45:23Stop the car!
00:45:24Stop the car!
00:45:24But the bitch is Jackie O!
00:45:26Stop the car!
00:45:27Stop the car!
00:45:27OK, go home!
00:45:30Woo!
00:45:48Where are we?
00:45:49Are we not staying at the Four Seasons, darling?
00:45:51No, darling.
00:45:52It's the Soho Grand.
00:45:53This is where it's at.
00:45:54It's downtown.
00:45:55The street.
00:45:56Ah, here you won't be woke about the squeak of a Gucci loafer on a cool marble horse.
00:46:00Here it'll be the thump of a Reebok crashing through the door so some kid can jack you for your
00:46:04bling.
00:46:05Happens.
00:46:07Oh, lovely hotel, hotel.
00:46:11Oh, well, I'm going to wear some of this, darling.
00:46:14It'll never fit.
00:46:15I'll drape it.
00:46:16Let's drape it.
00:46:17Darling, we'd better get a move on. We've already missed the press breakfast.
00:46:19But, darling, we can start with, uh, Timmy Holfinger.
00:46:22We can do Ellis D-D-K-M-Y.
00:46:25And, uh, then Bartley, then, uh, Luca Luca, then we can go on to...
00:46:28Oh, Luca Luca.
00:46:29Oh, Zach Pozen.
00:46:30Oh, darling, yes, yes.
00:46:30Obviously, Zach, my little, Zach, my little man with the bling.
00:46:32Yeah.
00:46:33And then, darling, uh, we could go down to Serge's club.
00:46:41Guff, darling, it's a club. It can't be that hard to find.
00:46:46Oh, I just think tomorrow, darling, I should be going to the shows with a gay man on my arm.
00:46:50Oh, you don't need a fag bangle.
00:46:54Actually, that quarter could have been him. I wouldn't have known.
00:46:56No, too tall, Eddie.
00:46:57Oh.
00:46:58So, he might have grown...
00:46:59Too thin.
00:47:02I thought about it like that, yeah.
00:47:04So, if we start...
00:47:06Champagne tent?
00:47:07Yeah, champagne tent.
00:47:08Well, let's go.
00:47:11Are you all ready, Marshal?
00:47:13Do I have to do this?
00:47:14Yes, you have to do this.
00:47:15Now, don't talk back to me, you little twink.
00:47:18I'll just stay for one drink.
00:47:19All right, stay and experiment with your gay feelings.
00:47:23But if you fall foul of sin...
00:47:24Which I won't.
00:47:25Which you might, and if you do, you come back here, we will exorcise the demon and we will laugh
00:47:30the laugh of the righteous.
00:47:32I hope you're writing this down, Safi. This could be a movie.
00:47:35Did you call Serge?
00:47:36I tried.
00:47:37I'll try later.
00:47:38Oh!
00:47:39Big Daddy Bear!
00:47:42You go.
00:47:43You go.
00:47:44Okay, God loves you.
00:47:46Just not your condition, big guy.
00:47:47Take care, baby bear.
00:47:49Here.
00:47:49Here!
00:47:53.
00:47:59I'm on it.
00:48:00I'm on it.
00:48:02I'm on it.
00:48:02I'm on it.
00:48:03I'm on it.
00:48:03Got nothing to say.
00:48:04I used to have a part of my own.
00:48:08I'm on it.
00:48:09Cheers, cheers.
00:48:10Yeah, with Jeremy's now.
00:48:12Yeah.
00:48:12Yeah, cheers.
00:48:13Thanks a lot.
00:48:14Let's clear down the bed, how do you think about yourself?
00:48:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:48:18Oh Ruth, how are you doing?
00:48:19I'm doing okay.
00:48:20I'm seeing a lot of them.
00:48:21I'm seeing all of them.
00:48:22Yeah, I'm seeing all of them.
00:48:23I'm in.
00:48:24I think we can give her our own session.
00:48:31Oh! Oh! Hi!
00:48:33How are you?
00:48:33Great.
00:48:34My son will be here tomorrow.
00:48:36He's gay.
00:48:47Precious, precious little sparrow,
00:48:49why don't you read to me from your little journal there
00:48:51and take my mind off things.
00:48:52Okay, thank you.
00:48:55Cupboard Memoirs.
00:48:56Mm-hmm.
00:48:57Day five.
00:48:58My flask is empty.
00:49:00I'm now surviving on old cornflakes
00:49:02that I found in the cupboard.
00:49:03The family have still not been alerted to my presence.
00:49:07This is fantastic.
00:49:09The observations of life through the keyhole
00:49:11have opened up a whole new world to me.
00:49:13This afternoon,
00:49:15they sat at the table and said nothing
00:49:17for almost ten minutes.
00:49:19And then the mother got up
00:49:20and made them all a cup of tea.
00:49:23The father, called Ted, turned on the TV
00:49:26and they watched Changing Rooms,
00:49:28which is a television programme.
00:49:31They watched it without comment.
00:49:33Nothing was said.
00:49:35Nothing was said.
00:49:37It's so funny.
00:49:39It's very funny.
00:49:41Where is Marshall?
00:49:44Why isn't he back yet,
00:49:45that crazy little chubby chaser?
00:49:47Oh, baby, what if he never comes back?
00:49:51I'll have to do the show myself.
00:49:53I can do that.
00:49:54Can you?
00:49:54Yes, I can.
00:49:55I've done it before.
00:49:57Well, that was sort of it.
00:50:00It's fascinating, Lola.
00:50:01Now, Lola, tell me, how did Jesus come to you?
00:50:04Did he come from the side?
00:50:05Did he come from above?
00:50:07Did he come straight at you?
00:50:08I know he didn't come from below
00:50:09because you wouldn't have been able to see him.
00:50:11He'd have been lost down there for days.
00:50:13Now, Lola, how did Jesus come to you?
00:50:15He came more on the diagonal.
00:50:18That's a big word for you, Lord, diagonal.
00:50:21And what did he look like?
00:50:23Like...
00:50:24Like Jesus.
00:50:25Like Jesus.
00:50:25And did he have a beard?
00:50:27Oh, yeah.
00:50:28Yeah.
00:50:28And was he wearing sandals or was he barefoot?
00:50:31Barefoot.
00:50:31Barefoot.
00:50:31What color was his robe?
00:50:33Blue.
00:50:34Nope, that wasn't Jesus.
00:50:35Jesus has a white robe with a brown belt.
00:50:37That was a demon, Lola.
00:50:39You had a demon come to you, Lola?
00:50:41No, I...
00:50:42Is that what happened?
00:50:43Now, get on your knees and pray for forgiveness.
00:50:45This is what he asked me to do.
00:50:47Oh, God!
00:50:48Get the demon out!
00:50:49Demon out!
00:50:50Demon out!
00:50:51Demon out!
00:50:52What am I gonna do?
00:51:00Let me see the schedule.
00:51:03So, uh...
00:51:03Oh, God.
00:51:04What's it say?
00:51:05Well, I basically missed the first six.
00:51:10I've seen something.
00:51:11Can't catch that.
00:51:12Let's start in that show.
00:51:13Catch the show after that one.
00:51:16Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:51:16Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:51:17Well, I'm not doing Lola.
00:51:19No, I'm being very selective.
00:51:21I'm not prepared to reveal my vibe.
00:51:28What is your vibe?
00:51:29Bling.
00:51:30Just a thing.
00:51:31Yeah, just, uh...
00:51:32Just simple, you know.
00:51:32Just, um...
00:51:34Just a t-shirt and a rail and a pair of...
00:51:36Again, hipsters and a bag.
00:51:37It's a bag.
00:51:37Yeah.
00:51:38No.
00:51:38No, no.
00:51:39We'll come tomorrow morning, darling.
00:51:40We'll do Jared Gold and we'll do that first.
00:51:41That's it.
00:51:42That's all you need to do, darling.
00:51:43I'll get to see you in the afternoon.
00:51:44Cheers, darling.
00:51:44Cheers, darling.
00:51:45And then we could go down, um, to Serge's club.
00:51:48Oh, no!
00:51:48Find Serge, darling.
00:51:49I have to, darling.
00:51:50You promised.
00:51:51Everyone out there thinks he's coming tomorrow.
00:51:54Please, darling.
00:51:54Well, change first, Eddie.
00:52:06It's here.
00:52:07Oh, sweetheart.
00:52:09Guff.
00:52:09Guff.
00:52:11Guff.
00:52:16Guff.
00:52:16Oh, Guff.
00:52:18Gays uniting friends and family, darling.
00:52:20Oh, so not a club.
00:52:21No, darling, it's a drop in the centre for the LGB...
00:52:24Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender.
00:52:27Oh.
00:52:29My son is gay.
00:52:30Works here.
00:52:31Serge, do you know him?
00:52:32Is he here?
00:52:33No.
00:52:35Can you give me his address and his phone number?
00:52:36No, it's in the files.
00:52:37I can't give it to you.
00:52:38I'm his mother.
00:52:39No, I can't.
00:52:41Well, who can?
00:52:42Goldie, our counsellor, but she won't.
00:52:47No, no, no.
00:52:53Get out.
00:52:54Don't get out.
00:52:55Get out.
00:52:56Get out.
00:52:57Get out.
00:52:57Get out.
00:52:57I am not talking to you people again.
00:52:59There you are in my office, crying.
00:53:01Oh, my son.
00:53:03Oh, my son is gay.
00:53:05Oh, what am I gonna do?
00:53:07You know what you're gonna do?
00:53:08You're gonna get over it.
00:53:09Don't get out.
00:53:10Hard, we'd be strange-ass white people.
00:53:24Sit.
00:53:25And you know what?
00:53:26They all have the same little idea.
00:53:29You know.
00:53:34I do weddings.
00:53:36That's how I really make my money.
00:53:37Can I show you something?
00:53:40I want to welcome you here to the L.B.G.B.
00:53:44Counseling Center.
00:53:46And I counsel out of the goodness of my heart.
00:53:48Because I like these people.
00:53:49And I want people to be married.
00:53:51Well, you think about getting married for me.
00:53:53Now, I do these same-sex marriages.
00:53:57It doesn't cost much.
00:53:59And you know what I include?
00:54:01Foot washing and hand washing.
00:54:04I have speaking in tongues just as a sideline.
00:54:08Ellie, just play alone with me.
00:54:10It doesn't cost nothing.
00:54:11And I take traveler's checks.
00:54:14I take it you're both L.
00:54:16Yes, I take it you're T.
00:54:18No, I'm just getting over the flu.
00:54:20But you know what?
00:54:21The fucking person said that to me today.
00:54:27Who's been smoking?
00:54:29I can smell it.
00:54:31Is it you?
00:54:33Come here.
00:54:34Come here, gal.
00:54:35Come here, let me smell you.
00:54:38Oh, God.
00:54:39Oh, God.
00:54:39One more time.
00:54:42Oh, God.
00:54:43Oh, God.
00:54:43Oh, God.
00:54:44Thank you, girl.
00:54:45You know, I've been sitting up here all day trying to get myself together.
00:54:49And you know what?
00:54:50You like Lady Nicotine to me.
00:54:52Lady Nicotine.
00:54:56So, what can I do for you?
00:54:58Um, we, uh, we, we want to get married.
00:55:03Yes, we do, Eddie.
00:55:05No, we do.
00:55:06We do want to get married.
00:55:07I just don't want to get married.
00:55:08We want to get married for your son's sake.
00:55:10Oh, for my son's sake.
00:55:12She's worried that the family won't accept it.
00:55:15What's wrong with?
00:55:16Of course my family will accept it, darling.
00:55:18You see, my son is gay and my first husband is gay, but my, well, my gay son is for
00:55:21my straight
00:55:22husband.
00:55:22It's very complicated.
00:55:23I've got a daughter as well, but she doesn't like Patsy.
00:55:25She doesn't like Patsy living in the house.
00:55:26Oh, she's jealous.
00:55:27Not jealous, darling.
00:55:28She's not jealous, darling.
00:55:29Do you know something?
00:55:30Yeah, oh, okay, counselling.
00:55:31Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you something, darling.
00:55:33Sometimes I don't like you living in the house.
00:55:34Oh, Eddie, don't let's rake all this off.
00:55:36Rake it all up.
00:55:37That's all counselling is for, darling, so we don't live in silence.
00:55:40We don't live through the lie, because sometimes since you've had the job, darling, and you've
00:55:43been wearing the trousers, so to speak, you're taking over.
00:55:46No, I can't get a word in edgeways.
00:55:48You're living in the house.
00:55:48You're drinking my drink.
00:55:49You're spending all my money, sweetheart.
00:55:52Come on, you come back at me now.
00:55:53That's what you do.
00:55:53You come back at me.
00:55:54You tell me something you don't like about me.
00:55:55Come on, darling.
00:55:55Oh, well, all right, then.
00:55:56Sometimes you talk with your mouth full, and it's disgusting.
00:55:59But I don't care.
00:56:00Marry me, Eddie.
00:56:02Mm, mm, mm.
00:56:05It's a sudden.
00:56:08You know what?
00:56:09I think we've gone as far as we could go with counselling.
00:56:12You come with me.
00:56:17Give me five minutes.
00:56:18I'm a genius.
00:56:20Let me turn the pier.
00:56:21Can I get another hit?
00:56:23Shut up.
00:56:25OK.
00:56:26Where's your mum?
00:56:33Cheers.
00:56:34Thanks a lot.
00:56:38What are you doing?
00:56:40Why haven't you moved?
00:56:41Why are you just sitting there?
00:56:43Is she back?
00:56:44No.
00:56:45She's not here.
00:56:46It's very late.
00:56:47Oh.
00:56:52Happy talkie talkie happy talk.
00:56:54Talk about things you like to do.
00:56:57You've got to have a dream.
00:56:59If you don't have a dream.
00:57:00How are you going to have a dream come true?
00:57:05What happened then?
00:57:06He clapped.
00:57:08This is ridiculous.
00:57:09Don't think I'm a fantasist.
00:57:10You're all freaks.
00:57:13You see, the thing is, I'm not gay.
00:57:15OK.
00:57:17OK.
00:57:18But there's a few things you're going to have to come to terms with.
00:57:23First, everybody is gay.
00:57:25Oh, yeah, I know that.
00:57:26From the mailman to the president, everybody's in denial.
00:57:30Yeah.
00:57:30You know.
00:57:31Yes.
00:57:33Don't be ashamed of who you are.
00:57:35Oh, no.
00:57:36Learn to love the V on V thing.
00:57:40It's cool.
00:57:41V on V thing.
00:57:42V on V thing.
00:57:43V on V.
00:57:45Tasty, too.
00:58:02Come on, now.
00:58:04Come here.
00:58:04Look at me.
00:58:06Love yourself.
00:58:07Yeah, no, I do.
00:58:08That's fine.
00:58:09No, no.
00:58:09You've got to say to yourself, I love you.
00:58:12I love you.
00:58:14Put your hand down here on the love box.
00:58:19I love you.
00:58:20No, no, I'm not too happy with your hand.
00:58:23All right.
00:58:24Well, you like the girl?
00:58:24Yeah.
00:58:25Grab the girl.
00:58:26OK, grab the girls.
00:58:27Pick the girls up.
00:58:28Pick the girls up.
00:58:29Rise them up.
00:58:31What do you say to them?
00:58:32I love you.
00:58:33That's right.
00:58:34I love you.
00:58:35Are you feeling good?
00:58:35Yeah.
00:58:36Stick that tongue out.
00:58:37I love.
00:58:38I love.
00:58:39I love.
00:58:40Read it through your teeth now.
00:58:41I love you.
00:58:42I love you.
00:58:43Girl, you ready?
00:58:43You're ready, girl.
00:58:45I'm ready.
00:58:45You're ready.
00:58:45Come on, girl.
00:58:46I'm ready.
00:58:46You're ready.
00:58:47I'm ready.
00:58:47You're ready.
00:58:58Here she is now.
00:58:59And remember, who'll put your babe?
00:59:01She's Mr. Right.
00:59:03We're gathered here today in wonderfulness to bring together this woman with this woman
00:59:14girl, in the sight of Bill, in the sight of Bill, to join this heart to this heart.
00:59:26Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:59:27Okay, let's go.
00:59:30Let's go.
00:59:35Is it not all of it?
00:59:42I need a little bit of information from the office.
00:59:44Because it was in the filing cabinet.
00:59:45Because I said, my son is gay.
00:59:47And it's Fashion Week.
00:59:51Bless this union.
00:59:53And you'll go through with this or the deal's off.
00:59:57Now, repeat after me.
00:59:59I, Edina.
01:00:01I, Edina, take you, Patsy.
01:00:05I, Patsy, take you, Eddie, to be my woman.
01:00:13To be my woman.
01:00:15Have you prepared vats?
01:00:17No.
01:00:18No.
01:00:19Do you want hand fast?
01:00:20No.
01:00:21No.
01:00:22Do you want a sip from the common goblet?
01:00:25Of course, that's extra.
01:00:26Well, a sip from that sip, no.
01:00:29Then, on with the exchange of rants.
01:00:41I pronounce you married.
01:00:44You may kiss the brides.
01:00:48You fuck her.
01:00:49You fuck her.
01:00:49You fuck her.
01:00:51Well, come on now.
01:00:52Somebody fuck her up.
01:00:54Woo.
01:00:55She'll be there.
01:00:56I can't, I can't do that, Eddie.
01:01:02Fuck her, don't fuck her suit yourself.
01:01:04I will require a credit card.
01:01:07Record Express.
01:01:10That better be Serge's dress.
01:01:11Give it.
01:01:15You'll be there in the morning.
01:01:18Thank you very much.
01:01:20Cheers.
01:01:21Cheers.
01:01:23I've wanted that.
01:01:24We're married.
01:01:25Are you going to carry me over the porthole?
01:01:28Sweetheart.
01:01:32Look at that, darling.
01:01:33Third time lucky for me.
01:01:34Don't be ridiculous.
01:01:36I should have had a prenup.
01:01:37You're not getting any of my money.
01:01:38Oh, stop this, Eddie.
01:01:41What's the matter with you?
01:01:42I just...
01:01:42I'm going to change it to something more comfortable.
01:01:44Yeah, it's nice because I've got the stuff like...
01:01:46What?
01:01:47It's just all over me.
01:01:48There's something down here that hurts.
01:01:49It hurts so much.
01:01:50Yes, we don't...
01:01:51Can we have a look?
01:01:51It really, really hurts.
01:01:53You're going to have to get...
01:01:54Oh, it's dropped down.
01:01:54You're going to have to take your pants off.
01:01:55Oh, fine.
01:01:58It's all right.
01:01:58We're married.
01:02:02Cheers, Eddie.
01:02:03Thanks a lot.
01:02:04Darling, listen.
01:02:05We are not married.
01:02:06It is not legal.
01:02:06We are married, darling.
01:02:08Just keep it on until tomorrow, please, darling.
01:02:10Why?
01:02:11Because then I've been married to you longer than I've ever been married to anybody.
01:02:15I'll never even come back from a honeymoon and still be married.
01:02:20So, I've got what I wanted.
01:02:22Serge is the dress.
01:02:23Serge Turtle.
01:02:24Why is it called Turtle?
01:02:25Serge Turtle.
01:02:26The Strand, darling.
01:02:27It must be a club, do you think?
01:02:28A club.
01:02:29He works at a club called Strand.
01:02:29Oh, Eddie, will you stop going on about all this?
01:02:31I've had a hell of a day.
01:02:32I've got a lot of work to do and I'm very, very tired.
01:02:36Good.
01:02:37Because, frankly, I've got a headache.
01:02:43I just spoke to Mum.
01:02:44She thinks she's found Serge.
01:02:46I don't know how.
01:02:47Oh, never mind, dear.
01:02:48No, I wanted her to find him.
01:02:50I hope he loves her.
01:02:52I hope she stays there.
01:02:53Well, of course you do, dear.
01:02:54We all want that.
01:02:56I hope he realises what he's put me through these last 12 years.
01:02:59But, Saffy, dear, what would you be without her?
01:03:05What is it?
01:03:07Oh, no.
01:03:07What is it, Eddie?
01:03:08Well, it's a bookshop.
01:03:10Well, it's not a club.
01:03:11No, no, it's a second-hand bookshop.
01:03:13Oh, no.
01:03:14Well, let's not go in, Eddie.
01:03:15You gave me half an hour.
01:03:16She gave me half an hour.
01:03:17We're going in.
01:03:17We're going in.
01:03:18I can't do this.
01:03:19I can't meet her.
01:03:21Not today.
01:03:22Look at what I'm wearing.
01:03:24I have to go shopping.
01:03:25She can't arrive until I've gone shopping.
01:03:27This is not how I want to be seen.
01:03:28Ah!
01:03:29I have to work out.
01:03:31I'm so fat.
01:03:32Fat, fat, fat, fat, fatty.
01:03:34Fatty, fatty.
01:03:34Two by four.
01:03:35Saffy, call her.
01:03:37Tell her she can't come today.
01:03:39Just stop.
01:03:40Stop.
01:03:42Run, run, run, run.
01:03:44Run, run, run, run.
01:03:49Man, you're back.
01:03:51I don't know yet.
01:03:53I need lipo and tex.
01:03:55I need tex.
01:03:58I need tex.
01:04:00My son.
01:04:02Yes.
01:04:02Something in my consciousness.
01:04:05Of course I'll recognize her.
01:04:09We can't attack.
01:04:11I'll be on the train.
01:04:16Stay awake at night and catch your arms.
01:04:22When you're talking with your super friend.
01:04:27I will get pex even if I have to rip open my own chest and push in chicken livers with
01:04:33my teeth.
01:04:34Teeth?
01:04:35I need new teeth.
01:04:36I keep finding bits of enamel on the floor.
01:04:41Eddie?
01:04:41Stay in touch with your friends in here.
01:04:44Come on.
01:04:46Get back.
01:04:47Oh, go ahead, no.
01:04:48Stop.
01:04:49I'm out of here.
01:04:50Get back.
01:04:51Here.
01:04:52Here.
01:04:57What's that?
01:04:58It's me, Mama.
01:05:01Oh, my God.
01:05:02I didn't want to meet you like this.
01:05:05Not here.
01:05:06That's a hard time.
01:05:14Oh, I don't care where we are or what you are, darling.
01:05:16You are my son.
01:05:18Uh, I'm not.
01:05:23What?
01:05:25I'm, I'm, I'm not Surge.
01:05:27Surge Turtle?
01:05:29No, I'm not your son, but, uh, I love you, and I don't even know you, so, hmm.
01:05:41I'm Surge.
01:05:43I am your son.
01:05:47It's a book.
01:06:02Surge?
01:06:04Hello?
01:06:06Darling, is that really...
01:06:08You're standing on something, sweetheart.
01:06:10Huh?
01:06:12You exist, then.
01:06:15I'm getting to think you're just talking to the centre.
01:06:19I'm sorry.
01:06:22Can we give Mama a hug, darling?
01:06:24Come on.
01:06:29Come on.
01:06:45Sweetheart.
01:06:45Oh, darling.
01:06:48Oh, darling.
01:06:50Oh, darling.
01:06:51Look at you.
01:06:52Look at this.
01:06:53Oh, Daddy's face.
01:06:54Ooh.
01:06:56Sweetheart.
01:06:56Do you know who this is, sweetheart?
01:06:58Who is this?
01:06:59This is Martin, my partner.
01:07:02Boyfriend?
01:07:02Yes.
01:07:03Yes.
01:07:04Oh, yes.
01:07:04Oh, yes.
01:07:05Super to meet you.
01:07:06I've been pressing him for this meeting.
01:07:08I just knew it would work out.
01:07:09And may I say that in the flesh, you are...
01:07:12You are bigger.
01:07:13I mean, larger.
01:07:15I mean, a light.
01:07:16Just leave it.
01:07:17A very, very big light.
01:07:18Shut up.
01:07:18I just adore what you're wearing.
01:07:21I'll shut up now.
01:07:22You two, you know.
01:07:22Carry on.
01:07:26You found me.
01:07:28Yeah, it wasn't easy, you know.
01:07:29You're using that false name and everything, darling.
01:07:31Turtle.
01:07:33That is my name.
01:07:34It's Dad's name.
01:07:36Oh.
01:07:39Safi's right.
01:07:39I have been a coward.
01:07:41Darling, I want us to forget that now.
01:07:43No.
01:07:43Why don't you want to know why I left?
01:07:45Because it's past, darling.
01:07:46It's old news.
01:07:47We can start over.
01:07:48No.
01:07:49I left so I could be the person I am.
01:07:51Not the son you want me to be.
01:07:53I wanted you to be gay, darling.
01:07:56Why else do you think I blasted my belly with Donna Summer for nine months?
01:08:00Hmm?
01:08:00I tried to mould you in the womb.
01:08:02My hairdresser laid hands on you, sweetheart.
01:08:05Honestly, you could have told me.
01:08:07Couldn't you, darling?
01:08:08Could have told Mama?
01:08:10I mean, think of all the things we've missed.
01:08:11All the times we could have had, darling.
01:08:13I mean, I'm in mourning now, honestly, darling, for the shopping trips, the sunbeds, the bitchin'.
01:08:18No, see.
01:08:18This is why I left.
01:08:19You only have one idea about what it is to be gay.
01:08:22A gay man can be...
01:08:24boring.
01:08:25Sweetheart.
01:08:26Being gay is the best excuse you'll ever have for not being boring.
01:08:32Time's up, Eddie.
01:08:35I don't know.
01:08:35Where have you been?
01:08:36I got my head wedged in the Erica Youngs.
01:08:39This is Serge.
01:08:41Not that one.
01:08:42This one, darling.
01:08:42That's Serge.
01:08:43Serge, darling, do you remember Patsy?
01:08:44Old Patsy?
01:08:46Serge?
01:08:48Pat.
01:08:54Now, we're going to take in a few fashion shows today.
01:08:56Eddie, in about half an hour.
01:08:57I know, darling, I know.
01:08:59So, darling...
01:09:00Oh, just go.
01:09:01No, but you could come with us, we thought.
01:09:03No, no, no.
01:09:04Oh, my God, it's just the same.
01:09:06You think you can just attach me like an accessory and drag me around without ever, ever listening to what
01:09:11I want to say?
01:09:12I will, darling, but it's not here.
01:09:14We only have half an hour.
01:09:16I want to go with her.
01:09:18Okay, I want you to listen.
01:09:20I will listen to you, darling, but not here, not with the books, all right?
01:09:23Not with the books.
01:09:24Don't you remember my book allergy, darling?
01:09:25Itchy eyes.
01:09:26Itchy eyes.
01:09:28Itchy eyes?
01:09:31You never could stand books.
01:09:33I like books with photos.
01:09:35You hate books.
01:09:36I hate these books, yes.
01:09:38I hate these dusty old books, these books full of dead ideas.
01:09:42A graveyard of ideas, that's what you said.
01:09:45Tiny coffins full of putrefying concepts.
01:09:48Yeah, well, I was jealous of the books, wasn't I?
01:09:50I could take you hating everything else about me.
01:09:52I could take you flaunting your breasts at my friends, seducing them, chasing them away with your overbearing corpulence.
01:10:00The way you smothered me with blubber.
01:10:03The way you clutched me to your breasts when you were lonely.
01:10:06The way you let that revel in our misery.
01:10:10But my books.
01:10:12Why did you burn on my books?
01:10:16We were cold.
01:10:17Come on, Eddie, I'm going.
01:10:18This is important to me.
01:10:19I know you've got a hell of a race in the house.
01:10:23Just come on with us for today.
01:10:25We'll just do a couple of the shows, sweetheart.
01:10:27Give me a day, darling, to prove how much I love you and how much we're going to love each
01:10:31other, sweetheart.
01:10:32Will you do that?
01:10:32Just give me a day, sweetheart.
01:10:34Say you'll do that.
01:10:36Come on, darling.
01:10:37Come on.
01:10:38Say yes.
01:10:38Say yes.
01:10:39Say yes.
01:10:40Say yes.
01:10:40I'm stronger than you, Stella Swordsworth, when he was a little boy.
01:10:43Come on, say yes, sweetheart.
01:10:44I'm not letting go.
01:10:45Say yes, say yes.
01:10:46It's only a day.
01:10:47Say yes.
01:10:47Okay.
01:10:48Let's go.
01:10:50He said yes.
01:10:51What's up, darling?
01:10:52Saffy, it's my mother in New York, darling.
01:10:55Can you hear me?
01:10:56So, yeah, guess who's next to me now, darling?
01:10:58Guess it's Serge.
01:10:59Come on, darling.
01:11:00I'm coming.
01:11:01Darling, see him.
01:11:02Hi, Saffy.
01:11:03You see, darling?
01:11:04I've got him.
01:11:05Mom?
01:11:07Serge?
01:11:07Where the hell have you been?
01:11:09On my date.
01:11:10You sent me.
01:11:11Did he touch you?
01:11:12Only on the me.
01:11:13Oh, my God.
01:11:13Did you kill him?
01:11:15We've talked about it.
01:11:16It's the same thing in God's eye.
01:11:17Oh, look at the hell, Saffy.
01:11:19See, this really is a movie.
01:11:21Well, take it out of me.
01:11:22You've got your little book, dear.
01:11:23I should write it down.
01:11:24You've got your little book, dear.
01:11:26I should write it down.
01:11:26I want to take that.
01:11:27Leave me out.
01:11:28Are you listening, dear?
01:11:29If your memory serves you well, you are going to meet again and wait.
01:11:36Darling, he's with me.
01:11:37He's with me.
01:11:37Oh, darling.
01:11:38Excuse me.
01:11:39Excuse me.
01:11:39Excuse me.
01:11:39I wish you could give my son a haircut.
01:11:41He's gay.
01:11:42He gives me a haircut.
01:11:43Can anyone tell my son?
01:11:45No, he's with me.
01:11:46He's gay.
01:11:46Come on.
01:11:47You have another tale to tell.
01:11:51And you know that we shall meet again.
01:11:55If your memory serves you well.
01:11:57Keep up, darling.
01:11:58This is my son.
01:11:59He's gay.
01:11:59No, he's with me.
01:12:00He's with me.
01:12:12I think it's water.
01:12:18Oh, no, that's Patsy's bottle.
01:12:20That's Patsy's.
01:12:20Put the lid back on before it evaporates.
01:12:22Put your hands in a cage and wrap it up in a sailor's sailor's sailor's sailor's sailor's sailor.
01:12:29Hi, sweetie.
01:12:29I really love the show.
01:12:30Hello.
01:12:31Oh, we loved it.
01:12:32We loved it.
01:12:32This is my son.
01:12:34Okay.
01:12:36Put him in leather.
01:12:37Put him in leather.
01:12:38Put him in leather.
01:12:47Libby.
01:12:48Your godson.
01:12:49Your godson.
01:13:05I thought he's gay.
01:13:07I thought he's gay.
01:13:09...
01:13:11...
01:13:17...
01:13:19...
01:13:19...
01:13:22...
01:13:22...
01:13:23...
01:13:45I'm a country girl at home.
01:13:56Champagne and lipstick at the Sunset Grill.
01:13:58Leave your frozen secret to the head.
01:14:02Those city lights are from the star you see,
01:14:05but I know the stars are shining.
01:14:07Let's put me a griddle.
01:14:08I'm a country girl at home.
01:14:14Don't need your money.
01:14:16Hold that, hold that, darling. Look, I can do that, Eddie.
01:14:20Eddie, Eddie, look at this, darling. Look, look, girl.
01:14:33Oh, oh, oh, Ed, something terrible is burning.
01:14:36Oh, my God, it's me! Eddie!
01:14:38Oh, my God.
01:14:41Oh, my God.
01:14:42Oh, my God.
01:14:42Oh, my God.
01:14:47Thank you all.
01:14:47Thank you all.
01:14:49Thank you all.
01:14:50How are you doing?
01:14:51How are you doing?
01:14:53Come on, I've been on your back.
01:14:55Turn, turn.
01:14:56Darling, the local traffic can't hear me.
01:15:01Do something!
01:15:26I don't know if you'd be on this flight or the next.
01:15:29Well, they let us out. The cops. No charge.
01:15:31That's because I made a phone call and paid the fine.
01:15:34That was a great trip.
01:15:35Yeah, wasn't it, darling? Because you've got inspiration for Jeremy's.
01:15:37I've got a fantastic new concept. Just three little airline sponge bags and a rail.
01:15:41Gifts for the customers. I must get on to the team. I'll tell them.
01:15:44Fantastic.
01:15:44I'll just tell the team.
01:15:45That's like your phone. That's your lighter.
01:15:47Oh! That's a lighter!
01:15:49You see that, darling?
01:15:50Fantastic trip, anyway. Fantastic trip, yeah.
01:15:53Oh, cheers, darling. I'll tell you something, darling.
01:15:55Patsy and I got married.
01:15:56Well, we...
01:15:57Yeah, darling, it's the time for me, isn't it, sweetheart?
01:15:59Gay man, straight man, woman.
01:16:02That's fantastic, isn't it?
01:16:05I'm sorry about Serge and everything.
01:16:06No, it's all right.
01:16:07Well, I just wanted to say...
01:16:10I still love you.
01:16:14Yeah, well, you don't need to, no, because I've got a son that loves me, haven't I?
01:16:17In fact, darling, he's coming to live here with us.
01:16:20Serge?
01:16:22No, my son.
01:16:23I now pronounce you mother and son.
01:16:27Okay.