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- 2 days ago
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00:03No, no! Snooze! Snooze!
00:08Snooze!
00:11Bubble.
00:12Yes, I am getting up! In fact, I would be up if you weren't calling me!
00:18Come on, Snooze! Snooze!
00:21Snooze!
00:22Oh, I'm awake then. What's awake then?
00:25Ah, yes, I'm awake now, I said! I'm awake now!
00:31You're late!
00:32I'm not late!
00:34Anyway, darling, you've got work to do while I'm gone, you know, you've got to update my website.
00:38My website is me, it must be fresh, it must be happening.
00:42Vitamin B.
00:44Ginkle.
00:46Black or cosh.
00:47Dong.
00:51All right, darling, now, more blog, more vlog.
00:54I want... I met Ulrika at a party, my favourite cheese, that's something. All right, do it, do it.
00:58Shall I Twitter that?
00:59Yes, Twitter it, Twitter it.
01:00And also, stay here and don't let my mother in.
01:03It's all right.
01:05I'm here already, dear.
01:07Oh.
01:09Well, howdy stranger.
01:12It looks as though your jeans have exploded.
01:15It's a skirt, it's a skirt.
01:17What are you doing here?
01:19Coffee, dear. Coffee.
01:19I haven't got time, I haven't got time.
01:20I've got to go.
01:21You stay here.
01:22Make sure she's not ever left alone and frisk her before she leaves, all right?
01:26The whole house is alarmed now.
01:28Oh, God!
01:34Where are we?
01:35Brixton, madam.
01:36Brixton, Brixton.
01:37Wind down the window, wind down the window.
01:39Play some dubstep.
01:40Diss my foot.
01:42Hey, Brixton.
01:43Brixton.
01:44Yeah.
01:46Hey, what's going on?
01:47What's going on?
01:49No, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try.
01:52Try, make the wind.
02:25Sorry.
02:31Catch up.
02:54you're late
02:56darling you've been in there for two years
02:57I don't think two hours is going to make that much difference
03:01look at you darling
03:02look at you
03:04skinny whinny, skinny whinny thin aren't you
03:07didn't you eat your slop
03:11I missed you darling
03:13don't give mum a hug
03:14give mum a hug
03:19yes I've ballooned
03:26you could have come and visited
03:27grand did
03:29look darling I've been hindered by this huge
03:31recent truncal obesity haven't I
03:33no no darling I did
03:36I did try
03:37you know they wouldn't let me in
03:38you have to come at visiting times
03:41visiting times, visiting that's very strict isn't it
03:44I was banging on the door
03:46probably too ashamed to be seen visiting
03:47your daughter in prison
03:49no no darling that's cool
03:51I don't know there are kids in priz
03:53we've got a little club, me, Brian Ferry, Dave Gilmore
03:56we've got kids in the priz club
03:58and actually darling your crime
04:00your little crime
04:01it's as bad as some of them
04:02what was yours?
04:03simple fraud was it?
04:05I didn't know
04:05no
04:06fake passports for asylum seekers
04:08I didn't know
04:10darling you are innocent until proved guilty
04:11and you've been proved guilty
04:12so I think we can stop that
04:18no no no look on my surfaces
04:20it's not hewn from ancient forests
04:21no no
04:29what are you doing here?
04:31well I can't stay long dear
04:32I've got a car boot to get to
04:34well jump in, slam it shut and throw away the keys
04:37hey hey hey
04:38this is Saffy's moment
04:40you look great
04:41you look great sweetie
04:42no no no
04:43have you managed to talk to Jane yet?
04:44who's Jane darling?
04:45who's Jane?
04:46your granddaughter
04:48she's called Lola
04:49I think we agreed on that darling
04:51anyway is she going to come back from Africa now?
04:53no
04:53she's in school
04:54I'm going to go out there
04:56Eddie
04:57Eddie where have you been?
05:04under your side
05:05come here
05:06well I must be off
05:08bye dear
05:09bye bye
05:09see you soon
05:11are you out for a long time?
05:13forever Graham
05:14oh jolly good
05:15keep in touch
05:17not so fast
05:18come here
05:18come here
05:19come here
05:19is that really necessary?
05:21yes
05:21because of the few possessions
05:22I have left in this house
05:24there isn't one that hasn't made an appearance
05:26on some antiques road show
05:28flogging up David Dickinson's arse
05:32thank you
05:32you may go
05:35nothing for the car boot then
05:36just you
05:37nothing for the car boot then?
06:05well stuffy
06:06yeah
06:06so cheers
06:07cheers
06:09cheers
06:10cheers
06:10cheers
06:11after living with you two all my life
06:13believe me prison was like a spa
06:17cheers
06:17cheers
06:18cheers
06:18cheers
06:25so what's been happening?
06:27what's been happening?
06:28I feel like I've been away ages
06:29what's new?
06:30well fashion wise
06:31the colour block is over
06:32oh is it?
06:33yeah
06:33Donatella is still with us
06:34ow
06:36and we're loving Ferragamo pumps
06:37and tassel bros
06:38yeah
06:38I love the pumps
06:39I love wearing pumps
06:40no Eddie darling
06:40no not flats on you
06:43mrs pepperpot
06:45thank you
06:46thank you for making me feel good about myself
06:47at a time in my life darling
06:49when every fat cell I've ever lost or gained
06:51has come back for the fat cell reunion of the year
06:54I don't suppose even the credit crunch can tighten your belt
06:58oh
07:00thank you flats
07:01anyway what's happening what's happening what's happening
07:03oh darling look what's happening
07:04who are all these people
07:05darling who are all these people?
07:07mum I don't know
07:08ask me darling
07:10who are all these people?
07:11I don't know
07:13they're just no names
07:14nobody's sweetheart
07:15look there's a
07:16there's a new disease called the Kardashians darling
07:19it's just sort of spread
07:21like herpes
07:21yeah
07:22each one with its own reality show
07:23they're multiplying like head lice
07:25yeah
07:26oh darling look at this fat one at the end
07:27very soon she will split like an amoeba
07:29and become two Kardashians
07:31that looks like a boob
07:33in fact it's just another Kardashian
07:34it's another Kardashian
07:35it's another Kardashian
07:36I'm not interested
07:37I meant what's been happening in the real world
07:39ooh
07:40ooh
07:41they got married
07:43the nation's sweethearts
07:45Katie and Wills
07:46oh my god the royal wedding
07:47did you record it mum?
07:49no
07:49ooh
07:50a day like no other
07:52I want to see them
07:53I want to see them
07:54I want to see them
07:55I've come to town for 12 weeks
07:57I want to see them
07:59it's my queen
08:01it's my queen
08:03oh and the archbishop of Candleford
08:06betwixt and between
08:08bo bo bo bo bo
08:10and Pippa
08:11Pippa
08:12swish swish swish
08:14swish down the aisle
08:14great big fat ass
08:17swish swish swish swish
08:20no knickers
08:21rear of the year
08:23oh
08:24that's who I am
08:25come on yes
08:27yes
08:27yes
08:29stop
08:31and then on the balcony
08:33kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy
08:35no tom
08:36stop
08:37stop
08:37stop it
08:38stop it
08:39oh dad is hansang suchi out
08:42sushi darling
08:43no
08:43that's a staple
08:44yes sweetie
08:45she's out
08:46and it landed riots
08:47yes
08:47awful
08:48oh I don't know
08:49nothing wrong with a bit of extreme shopping
08:52but it takes one person to realise
08:54that's just a pane of glass
08:56oh darling
08:57the real news is
08:58Patsy and I
08:59have been banned
09:00from Club 54
09:01in Saint-Tropez
09:03unfairly
09:03ridiculous
09:03I mean all I did was
09:05I hugged Elton John darling
09:06and didn't realise
09:07he was breastfeeding his baby
09:08that's all
09:09you ran at him Eddie
09:10yes I was running
09:11yes I was running
09:11but I slipped on the lactation
09:13I couldn't stop myself
09:14you hit him like a bowling ball
09:15like a bowling ball
09:16Elton John has a baby
09:18how
09:19we think he got a big egg
09:20from Liz Hurley
09:22cheers
09:22cheers darling
09:26nice now
09:27nice now
09:28nice now
09:28nice now
09:30that's why I make you feel
09:31a bit more at home
09:31you know sweet girl
09:33oh
09:36no
09:37oh
09:37is that how long you are
09:39those are your toes
09:40how did you get that long darling
09:42you're only that long when you left
09:43now you're that long
09:45you're going to bed early mum
09:46oh yeah I'm going to watch
09:47the killing darling
09:48I've got the box set
09:49I watch the killing of night
09:50do you know it's a foreign thing
09:51you're actually watching something
09:52with subtitles
09:53yes
09:53although actually I think
09:54Danish is pretty easy to pick up
09:56you know
09:56go on then
10:02oh
10:03still joking Danish
10:04that's why you're laughing
10:06oh proud of you
10:07top cat
10:08top dog
10:09dog
10:12so
10:13oh for god's sake
10:14just ask
10:14oh alright
10:15was there any fiddly diddling
10:16in the showers
10:17there was no fiddly diddling
10:19in the showers
10:20sounds dirty when you say it
10:21I did have lots of friends
10:24oh did you darling
10:25what
10:25prince friends
10:26captive friends
10:27if you want any of your friends
10:28to come and stay darling
10:29I would be cool
10:30you know that
10:30oh well there is someone
10:34a special friend
10:37no not in a sexual way
10:40oh darling but
10:41come on
10:41no really mum
10:42I'm not gay
10:43oh
10:43I'm sorry
10:45I'm sorry
10:47this friend
10:50I just felt very protective of her
10:52she looked up to me
10:53and I just thought it would be nice
10:54for her to come and visit
10:55when she got out
10:56yeah yeah yeah
10:58that's cool
10:58that's cool
10:59alright darling
11:00what's that
11:01oh that's just all my patches
11:02sweetheart
11:03you're not still having the menopause
11:05no sir
11:05I grieve for the menopause
11:06I haven't got any real hormones left darling
11:08I'm just held together with gels
11:10pills and suppositories
11:12it's good to be home mum
11:13oh good
11:14it's nice to have everything
11:15back to normal isn't it
11:16sweetheart
11:16yeah we should catch up
11:17we should catch up
11:18what are you doing tomorrow
11:20oh darling
11:20I've got something wonderful
11:21planned tomorrow
11:22I'm going to be celebrating
11:24your release
11:32been there done
11:33I've messed around
11:34I'm having fun
11:35don't put me down
11:36I'll never let you
11:37sweep me off my feet
11:40I won't let you in again
11:41the messages
11:42I've tried to send
11:43my information's just not going in
11:56so how have you been
11:57I didn't know you were coming out so early
11:59it's great
11:59yeah well I got the old jam roll didn't I
12:02that's cause you's kept me on the straight and narrow
12:04see so there are benefits to behaving well
12:08yeah nice
12:08this is tasteful
12:09I reckon some of this stuff must have cost a fortune
12:12do you want another cup of tea
12:14it's funny isn't it
12:15when you're inside
12:15everyone does everything for you
12:17and now
12:18of course everyone is doing everything for you
12:20oh my god
12:26I only just heard you were out
12:28why did I only just hear
12:34so how was it
12:35I was trying to come and visit you
12:37but
12:37you'd been sectioned
12:38yes
12:42how are you now
12:43are you okay
12:44really well
12:45great pills
12:47the voices have stopped
12:50so how was it
12:51was it scary
12:52did you get beaten up at all
12:54no
12:54oh
12:55was there
12:56no
12:59oh Sarah this is barren
13:01oh
13:02she was my best friend in prison
13:04oh
13:07oh
13:08no
13:10no
13:11no
13:23the voices are back
13:30that was weird
13:31I'm sorry
13:33I don't want to see
13:34I want vodka man
13:35what was Titicaco doing here
13:38sweet eyes
13:39your little prism
13:40how's your little prism
13:41yes mum
13:42this is barren
13:45nice to meet you
13:47hello
13:49hello barren
13:50yeah
13:50weapon
13:53so this is Patsy
13:57oh
13:57oh
13:58so
14:00barren
14:01I like your place
14:02yeah
14:03yeah I like
14:04I like
14:06yeah
14:07yeah my crib is nice
14:10I really like it
14:11I like it
14:12it's just like working it
14:14working it
14:15and you know barren
14:16well if you
14:17if you like my heart
14:18you can
14:19you can just like
14:21sort of like
14:21make it your home
14:23yeah yeah
14:24because you likes my little girl as well
14:26stop it
14:28yeah she's a sweetheart
14:30thank you
14:31so barren
14:32so barren
14:33what was you um
14:34busted for
14:34you know
14:35what was you untied for
14:36you know
14:38it doesn't matter
14:38it doesn't matter
14:39I'm cool
14:39I am cool
14:40it's alright
14:40you don't have to tell her
14:42no it was nothing you know
14:42I'm no fish
14:43but I was in just a bit
14:44not a jolt
14:44yeah
14:45and I just
14:46you know
14:47catch a ride
14:47and sell some papers
14:48I mean that was what
14:48they done me for
14:51put you inside us
14:52for selling papers
14:54I want you to meet Pats
14:55I'll just go and get Pats
14:56you're staying for lunch
14:57lunch
15:00Pats
15:04Pats
15:05Pats
15:06Pats
15:06Pats darling
15:07Pats
15:08come and meet barren
15:10what are you doing
15:11Eddie
15:12Eddie
15:12that one
15:13that girl
15:13yes she's lovely darling
15:14come and meet
15:15no darling
15:15she's not
15:16she's a killer
15:18no she's not
15:19darling
15:19she's just put in prison
15:20for selling papers
15:21yeah papers Eddie
15:23drugs Eddie
15:24drugs
15:25to me Eddie
15:30you didn't
15:31top her in
15:31did you
15:31no darling
15:32I'm not a grass
15:33I always hold my mug
15:34no the thing is Eddie
15:35I need your help
15:35I need your help
15:37I owe her money
15:38well how much
15:39lots
15:40and she says
15:41if she doesn't get it
15:42she'll kill me
15:43well no darling
15:43she's alright
15:44and you
15:44oh Christ
15:45oh Jesus Christ
15:46thank you
15:47well did she see you
15:48did she recognise you
15:49darling
15:49did she recognise you
15:50yeah
15:51she did
15:53hello there
15:54Aunty Patsy
15:56oh you remember
15:57Ickle Baron
15:57Aunty Patsy
15:58yeah
15:58yeah
16:00nice
16:01tailor made
16:02yeah
16:02well only the best
16:03for you Baron
16:04got any shit
16:05oh yeah
16:06yeah darling
16:07I've got a steak
16:08I've got a spliff
16:09I've got a moon
16:10I've got a
16:11I've got a
16:11I've got a
16:12I've got a
16:12I've got a
16:13I've got a
16:17I've got a
16:18she hasn't got any money
16:19she hasn't got any money
16:19Patsy
16:20shut up
16:21yeah
16:21well I want 50 buckets
16:23what
16:2450 gorillas
16:25what
16:2650 reels
16:2750 bags of sand
16:28speak English
16:2950 thousand pounds
16:31if I don't get it yet
16:32I'm gonna stay here
16:33and your daughter
16:34in the meantime
16:34has got to be sweet to me
16:35she will be
16:36she will be
16:37yeah she'll be very sweet
16:38to you Baron
16:39she'll be sweet to you
16:41she'll be very sweet
16:42she'll be bloody sweet
16:43to you
16:43cool
16:53do you like
16:55porcini
16:55I don't know
16:56what a shit that is
16:58get me another drink
16:59get it yourself
17:01don't mess me about
17:04Baron
17:04you can get yourself
17:05a drink
17:06but you
17:07is my little wifey
17:09you does it
17:11your wifey
17:12get
17:13get me
17:14another
17:14drink
17:27mom
17:27what
17:30darling what are you doing here
17:31you should be downstairs with your girlfriend
17:32she's not my girlfriend
17:34sit down
17:36I hate to break this to you darling
17:38but she may have to be
17:39why
17:41she's Patsy's old drug dealer darling
17:43hang on
17:44don't blow off immediately
17:45hold hold
17:46it's just that Patsy owes you a little bit of money
17:48oh my god
17:49I know
17:49but we're going to sort it darling
17:50you've just got to keep us sweet
17:51alright
17:52no
17:52alright then we'll all be killed in our beds
17:54is that what you want
17:55no
17:55go on
17:56do you want to hold
17:56go on
17:59sort this
18:01clear
18:03logical
18:05and Danish thinking
18:06oh my god
18:18oh my god
18:19oh my god
18:20oh my god
18:21oh my god
18:22oh my god
18:24oh my god
18:25oh my god
18:25there have been nogen
18:26here
18:28so we should have a tekniske
18:29yeah
18:30oh my god
18:32oh my god
18:33oh my god
18:54Sorry, I don't know what you're saying.
18:57I'm speaking Danish.
18:58No, you're not.
19:00Sam.
19:02No, you're not.
19:03I am.
19:05Mum.
19:07Mum.
19:07Mum!
19:08Oh, what?
19:09What, darling?
19:10Mum, I'm really scared.
19:11I've asked her to go and she won't.
19:12I don't know what to do.
19:13Oh, God.
19:15I know.
19:15I've called Patsy.
19:16Where is she?
19:17She's in the attic.
19:18Pats!
19:19Here, what's up?
19:21She wants her money.
19:22The money she says Patsy owes her and more.
19:24Oh.
19:25Oh, I don't like this, Eddie.
19:26We're going to have to kill her.
19:27Mum, firing is serious.
19:29All right, darling.
19:29Well, I haven't got that kind of money, have I?
19:31I'm not cash rich.
19:32You must have some.
19:32Darling, I invest in accessories.
19:35My shoes are my hedge fund and my foxes are going down.
19:38Well, should we call the police?
19:39No!
19:41This is your fault, you know, scamming drugs.
19:43You invited her in.
19:44Why haven't you got any money?
19:46You never stopped working at that magazine.
19:48They must pay you.
19:49Of course they don't pay me.
19:50Can't put a price on what I do.
19:51Will you stop listening, Prats, please?
19:53You must have been paid.
19:55And paid national insurance.
19:56No.
19:57What about your pension?
19:58How dare you?
20:00That's 39.
20:0139.
20:02You don't get your pension?
20:03Eddie.
20:04Oh, my God.
20:05You must be owed millions.
20:06Oh, stop it, darling.
20:07Eh!
20:08Eh!
20:09Eh!
20:21Don't!
20:22You don't tell me, don't, little wifey.
20:24Until I get my money, you my little wifey.
20:27I like this house.
20:29I like you.
20:32What was you thinking?
20:33You was just a little fish, a first-timer, and you was top dog?
20:35I don't think so.
20:39Yeah, you my pet, little girl.
20:41You my pet.
20:42And no one touches my pet.
20:48I've done some serious negotiation.
20:50And I think I'm...
20:55Oh, darling, she wants £70,000 now.
20:58It's going up.
20:59Oh, let's just leave the country, Eddie.
21:00Let's just go.
21:01How can you spend that much on drugs, darling?
21:03Darling, when was the last time you bought drugs?
21:05This isn't the 1980s.
21:07I'm not from second grade, you know.
21:08I'm talking about the Chanel's of chemical mood enhancers.
21:11I'm talking about your opium from Afghanistan.
21:13I'm talking ayahuasca that has to be blown from a shaman's pipe in the rainforest.
21:18This is the Bugatti of pharmaceuticals.
21:21This costs...
21:21Will you give them up if you can't afford them, you stupid woman?
21:24Have you seen the price of methadone?
21:25Cheaper to buy crack.
21:27Just sell something, Eddie.
21:29Yeah, well, I haven't got anything left to sell, have I?
21:31That's true, dear.
21:32Yeah.
21:32Well, you have got to do something.
21:34What shall we do, darling?
21:35Shall we bake some money?
21:36Shall we?
21:37Shall we bake some?
21:38Shall we magic it out of thin air?
21:40No, you should be downstairs, darling, keeping her sweet.
21:43No!
21:44Oh, what?
21:44You won't do a little bit of fiddly diddling.
21:46We get slipped from ear to ear.
21:48Well, thank you very much.
21:50Thank you, darling.
21:51What about her?
21:52What about her pension?
21:53Well, that's sixpence a week, isn't it?
21:55A hundred and two pounds and 15p, dear.
21:58Over how many years, Mum?
21:59That's a lot of money.
22:00Yes.
22:01You need to go to the benefits office and fill in a form.
22:07Have you got a birth certificate?
22:10Salary slips, bank slips, household bills.
22:13That's it.
22:14I've got a passport!
22:18Is that you?
22:20Well, sort of.
22:21I got it from Johnny Fingers down the Bull and Minge in the Arna Dogs.
22:25You haven't got anything?
22:26No.
22:27Credit card?
22:28No, it's used as mine.
22:29Yeah.
22:30There's no record of you anywhere.
22:33Who am I?
22:34You're Patsy, darling!
22:35You're Patsy!
22:36Yeah.
22:37You're nobody.
22:38You do have to have paperwork.
22:39Oh, you have to have paperwork to exist these days, do you?
22:41Uh-oh.
22:42Well, maybe I don't exist, Eddie.
22:43Oh, that was silly, darling.
22:44Maybe someone stole my identity.
22:46Maybe I'm just ectoplasm.
22:48What am I going to do, Mrs M?
22:49Well, dear, what exactly are we looking for?
22:52Oh, God!
22:53Something official with Patsy's name on it!
22:56Oh, why didn't you say so, dear?
22:58I think I might be able to help.
23:00Here we are.
23:01Well, here's your old post office savings book, dear.
23:05Well, I haven't taken much out.
23:07Just a little bit for buns and cakes.
23:10Wifey!
23:11Wifey!
23:15Go do that!
23:17Go take it!
23:31Hello.
23:32Yeah, hi.
23:33Just come in and just take a seat.
23:34Right.
23:37Oh, my God!
23:38Oh, God, I love what you're wearing!
23:40Is that the prairie look?
23:42It is, yes.
23:43Oh, I love!
23:44Anyway, my friend here...
23:46That's one.
23:46That's one.
23:48She's never claimed her pension.
23:50Right.
23:50Well, that's easy peasy.
23:52You just need a birth certificate, a national insurance number.
23:55Oh, let's see this too, darling.
23:57We don't have any of that.
23:58Oh.
23:59Um, okay, so what's your name?
24:01Eurydice Collette, Clytemnestra, Dido, Bathsheba, Rabelais, Patricia Cocto-Stone.
24:08Cool.
24:09So, how old do we know you are?
24:12Um, what do you last remember, darling?
24:1439.
24:1439.
24:19I don't know if this would be any help.
24:21It's a post office savings book.
24:22I don't know if that would be any help.
24:25Um, oh, okay, well, this is okay.
24:28Um, there's still no record of a birth certificate.
24:31I'm just checking through quite a few decades.
24:35But Latin insurance has been paid on everything that's gone into savings, plus interest.
24:40Um, there's still no birth certificate.
24:42Um, I'm just back, uh, sorry.
24:45Back, back, back, almost a dinosaur time, because I'm joking.
24:49Back, back, back.
24:51Oh, Bingo.
24:52Oh, blimey, here you are.
24:58Oh, Eddie.
24:59Oh, darling.
25:00Oh, I'm a person.
25:02Yeah.
25:02No, which person?
25:04A very old person.
25:10I can't believe this man, aren't you, Patsy Coom?
25:12I'm going, ah, you was all so easy.
25:15Oh, well, have some more.
25:16No, no, darling.
25:17No, no.
25:17Well, why pay less?
25:18Isn't that what they say?
25:19No, darling, that's not what they say.
25:20That's enough.
25:20That's enough.
25:21Go.
25:22Go.
25:22Go.
25:24No, no, no.
25:25Oh, her.
25:25Yes.
25:25Yes.
25:28Oh, good riddance.
25:30Oh, cheers, darling.
25:32Cheers.
25:33Yeah, thank you.
25:34I should think so.
25:35It's not exactly what you expect of your little daughter, is it, darling?
25:38Go to Prius, bring home murderous drug friend.
25:41So how much has she got?
25:42Mills, darling.
25:43Yeah.
25:44I mean, that post office book burst in at the seams of all our own magazine wages, you
25:47know.
25:48And then a pension, darling.
25:50Fouls.
25:50Fouls.
25:52What are you going to do with all that cash now, darling?
25:54No, no, sweetheart.
25:55No, no.
25:55You've got to put it somewhere, darling.
25:57Put it somewhere.
26:01Here, sweetheart.
26:02Darling, darling.
26:03Darling, here.
26:03What's that?
26:04Stella McCartney.
26:06Oh.
26:07Hi, Stella.
26:14It's a wallet.
26:16It's a wallet.
26:17A wallet.
26:19A wallet?
26:20Yes.
26:20A wallet.
26:21I've got a wallet?
26:23Whoa!
26:24Why don't you just have your meeting here today?
26:26Just call your people.
26:27Alarm, alarm, Sushi TV.
26:29And call your people and have the meeting here.
26:31What colour was that colour?
26:32Speed.
26:33Speed, Patsy.
26:34Speed today.
26:56Oh, well, look who it is.
27:02Miss Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy woman.
27:04Miss Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy woman.
27:05And ask scrawny friend.
27:08Stop it in at the spa because you think you deserve it.
27:11Just like all the other women that come in here.
27:14Lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy women needing time out for their privileged lives.
27:20Swelt, stupid, and lazy.
27:25What?
27:27Is your little daughter out of prison now?
27:29Yes, she is.
27:31Are you working today?
27:33I'm working now.
27:34I'm always working.
27:37Fat woman.
27:38Fat woman.
27:39Come in here and you stuff your rich face with naughty cupcakes and then cry.
27:43Oh, I have to go for a detox.
27:45Well, there's not enough herbs and lemon can take the poison out of you.
27:50Look at the yummy mummies come in here.
27:53Soft, skinny women come in and have their sad little bones massaged.
27:58So tired, so stressed from having two children and a big house.
28:03And then telling me how poor they are and how I've made them sane again.
28:08Do you know the Cotswolds?
28:12I want to kill them.
28:14Kill them!
28:15Give me the Harpers and Tatler.
28:21Hey.
28:24What?
28:25You've mellowed.
28:45I like these nails.
28:46Yes.
28:47Yes.
28:47Although I quite like gels.
28:48I might have mixes.
28:49I don't know what to have next time.
28:51Are you working, darling, today?
28:53Yeah, I've got my little office set up in there, darling.
28:54You're working here?
28:55Yeah.
28:56Little Chanel.
28:57There you are.
28:58Well, not all day.
28:59I'll see you for lunch.
29:00No, no, I'll see you at lunch.
29:00See you at lunch.
29:01So, January issue.
29:07Bulimic.
29:09Fetus.
29:09Yes.
29:11I can see a pube.
29:19Right, so...
29:20No, don't panic.
29:21We don't have to work yet.
29:22No, the intern's not here yet.
29:25Oh, fabulous.
29:26Oh, darling, what's happened?
29:27Little bit of a Princess Margaret?
29:30No.
29:31Well...
29:32Oh, go on.
29:32Tell her.
29:33It's hysterical.
29:35It's not hysterical.
29:36In fact, it's very painful.
29:38No, really.
29:39It's very funny.
29:42Just tell me what happened.
29:43Well, I...
29:44had a fish pedicure.
29:47Which is not what it sounds,
29:49because fish don't have feet.
29:52No, it's where they nibble off all their hard bits,
29:54and one nibbled on a soft bit,
29:55and once one had drawn blood,
29:57it was a feeding frenzy.
29:58Where is that bloody intern?
30:00I want to finish this before lunch.
30:01I thought we might run something on the credit crunch.
30:04The what?
30:06The credit crunch.
30:08The what?
30:09The credit crunch.
30:11What?
30:11The recession.
30:13Oh, don't be an idiot.
30:14Our super rich readers are untouched by the recession.
30:17This magazine is the Argos catalogue
30:20for the fabulous diamond-studded whores of the oligarchs.
30:25Darling, they know nothing of the bread line.
30:27They don't do carbs.
30:29They do caviar.
30:33Sorry.
30:34I've been waiting.
30:35Sorry.
30:36So, did you meet the advertisers?
30:38Um, yeah.
30:39Did you check out this month's productions?
30:41Um, yeah.
30:42Did you talk through the layouts?
30:43Oh, yeah.
30:43Did you do all the returns?
30:45Yes.
30:45And, um...
30:46Oh, I had lunch with Karl Lagerfeld.
30:48Why?
30:50He's this month's main feature.
30:52I love Karl.
30:54Adore.
30:55Well, what's happening with his pony toe?
30:58Oh, he's thinning.
30:59Oh, he's bald.
31:01Darling, he's got a comb over from a nose hair.
31:04Genius.
31:06I need more fags.
31:08Don't bite me, you little snot rag.
31:10Just go.
31:23Why am I doing this?
31:25It's work experience.
31:28Right, here we go.
31:29Here we go.
31:30Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
31:31Darling, I need this table.
31:33Mum, I'm having a meeting about the charity.
31:35Oh, God.
31:36Is this a new one?
31:37Who?
31:39That.
31:40Just don't speak to me, please, Mum.
31:42Leave me alone and get on with your own useless existence.
31:46Right.
31:47Agenda.
31:48Now, we need to talk about the Keisha project.
31:51And well build.
31:52And I need a field report and fundraising activities.
31:55How was it?
31:56Really hard.
31:57Oh, sorry.
32:00For heaven's sake.
32:01All right, I've got ideas.
32:02Take down my ideas.
32:03Here we go, here we go, here we go.
32:04Stop it.
32:06What?
32:06She's writing on it.
32:08On the pad.
32:09Oh, that's ridiculous.
32:11Why are you doing that?
32:13It's a pad.
32:17She's an idiot.
32:18She knows nothing.
32:20Oh, no.
32:20I know too much.
32:23That's why I'm here.
32:24Yeah.
32:25Shall I do it?
32:26No, you just do what you're paid to do.
32:28I don't get paid.
32:29All right, do what you're not paid to do.
32:30Do the mid-morning lunch one.
32:31Go on, two sushis and a bacon sandwich.
32:32Ow!
32:34Have you got a report?
32:37Day one, welcome songs and speech.
32:40Day two, driving to Kasumu City buying materials for the chicken coop.
32:45Day three, thought I had malaria, but it was just sunstroke.
32:50No!
32:53Stop it.
32:55All right, just stop it now.
32:58Just send it to me.
32:59I should have gone.
33:00I know Africa.
33:00I'm married to an African.
33:02I have a child in Africa.
33:03You have a child in Africa?
33:04Mm-mm.
33:05Just go.
33:06But what about the fundraising?
33:08The bring-em-by?
33:10The cow wash-a-thon?
33:11Just go, please.
33:15The cow wash-a-thon?
33:16Shut up.
33:19The cow wash-a-thon, darling.
33:22How much is your secondary?
33:23Sixpence, is it, sweetheart?
33:25Actually, I could get you people who could fill your coffers, darling.
33:28I could get you Liz Hurley.
33:29Get Liz Hurley.
33:30Elizabeth Hurley?
33:31Yes.
33:32Hey, come on, old girl.
33:39Someone muck her out whilst I take her down the red carpet.
33:43Clip-clop, clip-clop.
33:45It's only another charity do, Lizzy.
33:50Take her out, take her out, take her out.
33:51Come on.
33:52Let me put you out to grass.
33:55Can you manage these stairs with your Gucci hooves?
34:00Clip-clop.
34:01Clip-clop.
34:02Clip-clop.
34:02Clip-clop.
34:09Darling.
34:11Shall I rub your mama points?
34:12Mama points.
34:13Mama points.
34:14It's a Kabbalistic tool.
34:16All right, Mum.
34:17I was just thinking about Jane.
34:19Oh, Lola, darling.
34:20Lola.
34:20Yeah, is she going to come back from Africa soon, darling?
34:22Look.
34:22Why would I want Jane to have anything to do with you?
34:24A sad, fat woman who contributes nothing to this world.
34:29At work, darling?
34:29No, no, no, you don't.
34:31You have spent all morning having your nails done.
34:34You live off other people.
34:36You invent a purpose for yourself.
34:37That is not a real job.
34:39You only have two clients and they both hate you.
34:43You're a sad, useless failure that nobody wants to know.
34:46Now, why would Jane want to know you?
34:49You were a terrible mother.
34:51And you're an even worse grandmother.
34:56With very good nails.
35:02I will cheer up, Eddie.
35:04Don't let the little tick get to you.
35:06Darling, from the mouths of little ticks sometimes come little tick truths.
35:12Are you eating?
35:13No, I've got a few.
35:14Oh, I'm trying not to eat.
35:15I don't want two lunches.
35:17But I like doing things for you, Eddie.
35:19Just chew and spit.
35:20Don't waste your food.
35:22I'm sorry about it.
35:23We can't smoke again.
35:24But have you no idea that I am?
35:28Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
35:29Pass, pass, pass.
35:30Eddie, do you know who that is?
35:33No.
35:34It's Shan Duran.
35:36Shan Duran?
35:37Yeah, it's THE Shan Duran.
35:38THE Duran.
35:39I go for a cigarette.
35:41You make a decision.
35:47Imagine who she's worked with.
35:49Truffaut, Chevrolet, Polanski.
35:51Names, names, names.
35:52French names, French names, French names.
35:54Jeanne Duran.
35:56Staffie likes Jeanne Duran.
35:57She's got her poster in her room.
35:58I like Jeanne Duran.
35:59Yeah, you do.
36:00The look that speaks volumes,
36:01and the mouth that says nothing.
36:03She looks good, doesn't she?
36:04Yeah.
36:05Well, she's French.
36:06Yeah, I know, darling.
36:06But, you know, Bardo.
36:08Yeah, well, if you can't save the face,
36:10save the animals.
36:13Whose idea was this?
36:15Come on, let's get out of the pit
36:15before she comes back.
36:17Jeanne Duran.
36:18Ah.
36:19Darling, imagine how proud
36:21Safie would be, and Lola, darling,
36:22if I knew Jeanne Duran.
36:25So come out for lunch,
36:26because Jeanne Duran's going to be there, you know.
36:27Come out for dinner,
36:28meet Jeanne Duran.
36:29I would be the person who had Jeanne Duran.
36:32Darling, I could represent her.
36:34Well, steady, darling, steady.
36:35What?
36:35Well, the woman's not.
36:36What?
36:36What?
36:37She's not an idiot.
36:39So, what is the decision?
36:42I'm not happy, I can tell you.
36:44Oh, dear.
36:46Can we make you happy?
36:47You see, why can't you understand?
36:50I don't want to be heavy.
36:52I want to be light.
36:53I've always been a comic actress.
36:55Yeah, oh, yeah.
36:56I'm laughing now.
36:57But really, I want to sing.
36:59I only have ever wanted to sing.
37:02Of course, of course, like Marlena, like Pierre.
37:04Le Petit Filou.
37:06Oui.
37:07Absolument.
37:08A singer.
37:09Singing.
37:11Tell me, tell me, tell me.
37:12Can she sing, can she sing?
37:13Of course, she can sing.
37:14She was one of the singing umbrellas of Cherbourg.
37:18Yes, of course, Miss Duran.
37:20I mean, what would you like to sing?
37:21Gainsbourg, Pierre, Brel.
37:23Light, light.
37:25Go for it, Eddie.
37:26Yes, well, you know, I'd be very proud to represent you in a tour of singing.
37:33La Duran.
37:34Carnegie Hall.
37:35Yes.
37:37Perfect.
37:38And you should just be tres happy, happy, happy, happy.
37:41Heureuse.
37:42Heureuse.
37:42And just grateful, grateful.
37:43Graf.
37:44Je suis tres heureuse et très, très graf.
37:47Très.
37:47Oi, garçon.
37:48Champagne.
37:54What have you got on here at the moment?
37:56The proms.
37:57Oh, yes, I love the proms.
37:58I love the proms.
37:59So do I.
38:01It's been so popular that we've actually had to stop people clapping between movements.
38:05What the proms?
38:07Anyway, I want it for Jeanne Duran.
38:10Yeah, Jeanne Duran.
38:11The Jeanne Duran.
38:12An evening with.
38:13Singing.
38:14Eddie, I'm just going to go out here at the audience and you say something.
38:16I'll see if I can hear you.
38:17Oh, all right, darling.
38:18I absolutely adore Duran's.
38:19Well, this couldn't be a more perfect venue.
38:21Well, we'll see, frankly.
38:22Can you hear me, Ed?
38:24Yes, I can hear you, darling.
38:25Can you hear me?
38:26Yeah.
38:27Sing something.
38:28Oh, she will be using microphones.
38:30Yeah, have you got mics?
38:31Yes.
38:31Good.
38:32Sing, Ed.
38:33Just sing.
38:34Just sing.
38:35Just sing.
38:35Just sing.
38:35Hmm.
38:36Hmm.
38:38Walking down the road.
38:40Walking down the road.
38:42Walking down the road.
38:44Walking down the road.
38:46Looking at the trees.
38:50The people passing by.
38:53They say, how do you look so great for your age today.
38:59I don't know.
39:05So, when did you want to book the Hall? I have dates in 2015.
39:102015? No, soon!
39:12Don't give me 2015 or I'll have you clapping between movements the rest of your life.
39:17We only have one night in the next four years and that's this Sunday night.
39:21Someone died.
39:23Good. Book us in.
39:25Do you know who else sings?
39:29I've just been on the phone at the other hall, darling. It's all booked. I've struck a pretty good deal.
39:3370-40 split.
39:34Oh, well done, idiot. Did you check on her this morning?
39:37Yes, darling. She's alive. She's alive.
39:39Is she staying here?
39:41Yes, she says.
39:42Who is there?
39:43Jean Duran.
39:44Oh, I'm a huge fan.
39:46Which one is here, dear?
39:48What?
39:48Well, is it Simon Le Bon?
39:49No.
39:50Or is it the pretty one who still puts his face on?
39:53Oh, no.
39:54Jean Duran, Duran. Jean Duran.
39:56Lots of way.
39:57Le building me.
39:58She was Julia's knee.
40:00What do I have knee?
40:01Jean Duran?
40:02Oh, not her, Eddie. Can't we keep this just to ourselves?
40:06No, darling.
40:08Jean Duran.
40:09She's upstairs.
40:10I represent her now, darling.
40:13We're working up a little set for the Albert Hall.
40:14Duran sings.
40:17Shut you up, isn't it?
40:20Shut you up, isn't it?
40:22Bubble, have you called all the people?
40:24I want it in all the national papers, all the gay press.
40:27We'll have a listening party, a private soiree for the critics around at my house.
40:30Worldwide coverage, television interviews, stock press.
40:33Oh, shall I just Twitter?
40:36Yeah, that should do it.
40:39Oh, dear.
40:40She's here, she's here, she's here.
40:41Jean Duran.
40:42Jean Duran.
40:48Yeah, Miss Duran, Miss Duran.
40:50Miss Duran.
40:51Miss Duran.
40:52Oh, no.
40:53Stop, stop, stop, stop.
40:55Safi, this is Jean Duran.
40:57Safi, this is my daughter, Safran.
40:58Jean Duran.
40:59Madame, vous êtes magnifique.
41:02Et j'ai tout fou-fum, c'est un étgé spécial dans ma chambre.
41:06Go away, go away.
41:07This is, um, this is my mother who's just leaving.
41:11Of course, it's Nick Rhodes.
41:14It's not me.
41:17You'll be wearing that eyeshadow till the day he dies.
41:20Stop it, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
41:21Listen, get us something, get us something.
41:23It's a French breakfast.
41:24Yes.
41:25Nicotine macchiata.
41:26There we go.
41:29So, dites-moi.
41:30Yes, dites-moi.
41:31When do we work?
41:32I like to work.
41:32How long do we have?
41:33Just under a week.
41:34Nearly a week.
41:35Good, good.
41:36So, we must work hard.
41:37We must work hard.
41:38Work, work, work.
41:39Work, work, work.
41:39I love to work.
41:40I love to work, yes, we must work, work.
41:42Who's that?
41:43Oh, pianist here.
41:44Work, work.
41:45Oh, pianist is here.
41:46We could work now.
41:46Let's work, let's work.
41:47Later, later.
41:51I'm not a machine.
41:52Okay, she's not a machine.
41:54She's not a machine.
41:55Anyway, she's just me.
41:56Tres, tres, gras.
41:57Tres, tres, gras.
41:57No, Mum, don't speak French.
41:58She is French.
41:59That's why I'm speaking French.
42:00Yes, but you're telling her you're a fatty.
42:09Even in French, the truth will out.
42:11Oh, thank God.
42:15Wow.
42:17One of my favourites.
42:43No, no.
42:44I will try again.
42:45I think it was the wrong key for me.
42:52Oh, Sally, Sally, Sally.
42:55Get out, get out, get out, get out.
42:57Get out of here.
42:58What's she doing?
42:59Shan is singing.
43:00I can't hear anything.
43:03She's warming up, darling.
43:04Get out.
43:05Get out.
43:05Get out.
43:05Get out.
43:08Get out.
43:17wonderful lyrics
43:33stop, stop, stop
43:34what now?
43:36well go on, tell her, tell her
43:37she'll take it from you
43:38yeah, Jeanne, this is Baby Bunton
43:41Emma, this is Grandma Bunton
43:45Jeanne, I can't hear you
43:47I can't hear you
43:48that's because I've stopped singing
43:51no, when you were singing, we couldn't hear
43:55well, you know why, you are young
43:59you spend your life like all the young people
44:01with the headphones
44:05loud music, everyone walking down the street
44:08starring in their own movie
44:10nobody listens
44:11are you a singer?
44:13yes, she's a sort of singer
44:14aren't you, sweetheart?
44:18no, I am a singer
44:20yes, she's a singer, well sing on one of your songs
44:22go on, promise you made, promise you made
44:27that, that is girls allowed
44:29well sing on one of your spices
44:30what do you sing, go on
44:31go on
44:32go on
44:32ma, ma, ma
44:33oh, no, no, no, you're shouting at me
44:35that's not saying
44:37oh, thank God, it's Lulu
44:40thank God for Lulu
44:43thank God
44:45oh, God
44:46you said you had a job for me, right?
44:48yeah, darling, this is the job
44:49we've got to get her to sing
44:50you know
44:50yeah, but what do I make out of this?
44:53champagne, champagne for Lulu
44:55get your bag
44:58cupcakes for Lulu
45:00money for Lulu
45:02oh, no
45:04come on, come on, let's do that
45:06she needs volume
45:07oh, I can do that
45:10now, let me see
45:11you have to project
45:12you have to push your voice
45:14right into the mic
45:15I've tried that
45:15will you let me take care of this?
45:18I am a little bit more experienced
45:19and just a little bit older
45:21a lot older
45:25listen, darling, darling, darling, darling
45:26Lulu, Lulu
45:27I've just got to hold the mic
45:29closer to her mouth, alright?
45:32call yourself professionals, you two
45:33come on, come on
45:35can you not smoke?
45:36I don't want to die young
45:37why not die young?
45:39life is so overrated
45:40you see what I'm working with?
45:42Lulu, Lulu
45:43I've worked the Albert Hall
45:45oh, yes
45:46Asia
45:47Lulu is a singer
45:49yes
45:50shall I sing?
45:51yeah, go on
45:51alright, listen
45:52oh, actually, no, no, no, no, no
45:59I've tried that as well
46:00yeah, we've tried that
46:01we've tried that
46:02okay
46:02now to score
46:03look, look, look, Janet
46:04they want to hear you
46:05you know
46:06so you've got to give yourself to them
46:08no, no, no
46:09when I sing
46:10they come to me
46:11oh, God
46:12they'd have to be sitting on your dentures to hear you
46:14that's the truth
46:16look, you've got to sing up
46:18you just grab the mic
46:19you sing right into the mic
46:20you make a noise
46:21sing, woman
46:23use your voice
46:24and sing
46:25no, no, no, no, no
46:26you're killing my muse
46:28oh
46:28what do you think I am?
46:30an entertainer
46:31oh, for God's sake
46:33shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine
46:35what?
46:36you know what?
46:38she can't sing, can she?
46:40darling, this is work in progress, alright?
46:42I think she's deaf
46:43yeah, well, I think you're deaf
46:47and I think she's an idiot
46:48yeah, well, I think you're an idiot
46:52mum, what are you going to do?
46:53you can't let her do this
46:54I'm not doing this for you, aren't I?
46:56hmm, after all you said
46:57I'm doing this to make Lola proud
46:59you love Shanty Ra
47:01and if I've got Shanty Ra
47:02I can't be a failure, can I?
47:03granny must be doing something right
47:05mum, stop it
47:06now
47:06no
47:08where did she go?
47:10she's in the cupboard
47:14oh
47:14Jan?
47:15it's a cupboard
47:18oh, dear
47:19shut up
47:20anyway, darling, she'll be alright tomorrow
47:22won't she?
47:22I put her to bed now
47:23no, she won't
47:25well, then I'll change the name of the show
47:27oh, to what?
47:29Jeanne Duran
47:30talking songs
47:33you'll be a laughing stock
47:34no, I've got till tomorrow evening, sweetheart
47:36afternoon
47:37evening
47:37afternoon
47:39you've got the listening party
47:41with all the big critics tomorrow
47:42here in the afternoon
47:44oh, shit
47:45Eddie, darling
47:46what?
47:47darling, I'm your best friend
47:48and I've never let you down
47:49and I've never asked you to do this before
47:50but no, Eddie, don't do it
48:06cheers
48:07cheers
48:08cheers
48:08cheers
48:09cheers
48:09cheers
48:10cheers
48:10cheers
48:21it's amazing
48:22like Jeanne Duran
48:23I think I first fell in love with her bouche
48:30you've seen her bouche?
48:31of course
48:32I thought you were a happily married man
48:48ladies and gentlemen
48:50Edina Monsoon
48:52presents
48:54Miss Jha
48:55Duran
49:05thank you
49:08well, let me just say
49:11I'm not an actor
49:14I am
49:15I'm not a singer
49:17I am song
49:23I don't smoke
49:25I am a cigarette
49:28yeah, all right
49:29Miss Jha
49:30Miss Jha Duran
49:31I'm not a photograph
49:33I am a painting
49:35by Matisse
49:41ne m'a quitte pas
49:44il faut oublier
49:47tout pers oublier
49:50qui sont fruits d'ajard
49:53oublier le temps
49:54des malentendus
49:57et le temps perdu
49:59Ã sa voix comme on
50:01oublier ses ailes
50:04qui touait pas voix
50:06Ã coup de pourquoi
50:08le cœur de bonheur
50:11ne m'a quitté pas
50:14ne m'a quitté pas
50:16ne m'a quitté pas
50:19ne m'a quitté pas
50:33fabulous, fabulous
50:35I know
50:35next stop
50:36Carnegie Hall
50:37I'm taking new management
50:43oh, just take it
50:48I don't care
50:57oh, don't worry
50:59it's all right
50:59I'm not proud
50:59I'm not proud of myself
51:00darling, it's all right
51:01it's okay
51:01what?
51:03I know what you're gonna say
51:04darling
51:04yeah
51:04I would low let everyone
51:06know an idiot like this
51:07but I tried
51:07didn't I, sweetheart?
51:08I tried
51:09Mum, I'm
51:17I'm the one who's not good enough
51:20I just made it your fault
51:23because I couldn't cope
51:25with the guilt about Jane
51:28I'm a terrible mother
51:30I'm sorry I made it your fault
51:32darling
51:32oh, sweetheart
51:34that's all a bit psychological
51:35isn't it, sweetheart?
51:36eh?
51:37come on
51:37everything is my fault, darling
51:39everything is my fault
51:40isn't it
51:40no damage done
51:41there's a French woman
51:43about to give a mute concert
51:44at the Carnegie Hall
51:46that's all right
51:47New York gays are very forgiving
51:52oh, darling
51:54oh, sweetheart
51:55oh, hugs, hugs, hugs
51:58oh, darling
52:00oh, sweetheart
52:03come on, Ellie
52:05we're going to my hickies
52:05oh, great
52:08oh, um
52:09is it a club?
52:10yes
52:18do you want to come?
52:19no
52:19no, no
52:19no